All this month, my posts will be focused on discussing some
of the worst in Hollywood. I’ll also be respecting Black History Month with my
“Props to a Black Dude” feature at the end of each post.
Pauly Shore is without a doubt the worst comedic actor of
our generation. He got his big break working on MTV back in the early 1990s.
This was back when MTV was focused on music and spring breaks instead of
Italian slapdicks and teenage moms. Pauly performed under his alter ego, “The
Weasel”, for much of his entertainment career. The Weasel didn’t notice girls’
racks, he noticed their melons. Instead of grabbing a snack, the Weasel was
munching on some grindddddddddddage. The Weasel specialized in elongating the
pronunciation of words. After some success on MTV, he co-starred in the 1992
film “Encino Man”. The movie was about Shore and Rudy Ruettiger discovering a
frozen cave man in their back yard, which helped transform them from nerds to
the cool kids. This was believable in 1992 because we were all idiots. This was
around the time where Jessie Spano had a ridiculous No Doz addiction and
America collectively wept.
After the success of “Encino Man”, Hollywood thought the
world was ready for Shore to wheeze
a little more juuuuuuuuuuuuice out of the box office. He signed on to star in
the following movies: “Son in Law”, “In the Army Now”, “Jury Duty”, and “Bio-Dome”.
Al-Qaeda couldn’t build four bigger bombs if they tried. One flop after
another. Shore tried to break away from the Weasel in “In the Army Now” and
“Jury Duty”. It was like watching the stripper who is a little too old to still
be working at a strip club: completely embarrassing for everyone involved. The
Weasel returned for “Bio-Dome” with Alec Baldwin’s dipshit faggot of a brother,
but by then, America had enough. The Weasel was dead.
I can’t recall an
actor having that many starring roles in horrible movies. Usually by the second
bomb, Hollywood smartens up and stops producing feature films for that actor.
It took four to finally kill Pauly Shore’s acting career. Shore wrote and
starred in a 2003 mockumentary, “Pauly Shore is Dead”, acknowledging his fading
career by faking his own suicide to boost popularity of his films. I never saw
it, but I imagine it sucked like everything else he’s ever done.
I can say that
Pauly Shore did bring me joy one time. Two months ago, my friend’s bang sack
brought her friend out to a bar. She looked exactly like Pauly Shore, which
could never be taken as a compliment. After boozing all day, it allowed my
friends and I to break out the Weasel talk and mock her all night. It was a
glorious night. So I did have one positive Shore experience. Otherwise, Pauly
Shore is a sack of shit, budddddddddddddddy.
This week’s
“Props to a Black Dude” is for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. This
guy went from undrafted free agent to second-team All-Pro in two years. Last
year, he had a ridiculous preseason (including three TD’s in one half against
the Jets) and earned an unexpected roster spot. Unfortunately, he dressed for
three games before landing on the injured reserve list. This year, he struggled
as the Giants’ fourth receiver, but became a starter after two WRs were hurt
early in the season. He took the opportunity and ran with it, setting a team
record in receiving yards in a season. He also scored nine times and featured
his celebratory salsa dance. Three things I like about him: One, when he scored
against the Saints in a blowout loss, he never danced. I admired he recognized
the situation and didn’t act like a jackass. Two, he’s not letting his sudden
fame get to him. He already turned down “Dancing with the Stars” this year to
focus on his off-season workouts. Three, he saved the Giants’ season. In a must
win against the Jets, the Giants looked flat until Cruz caught a pass at the
Giants’ 10-yard line and ran 89 yards for the go-ahead score. Since that play,
the Giants haven’t lost. They would not be in the Super Bowl without Victor
Cruz. I’m also glad New England never looked at him, despite the fact that Cruz
went to a local college (UMass). If he scores on Sunday, you are god damned
right I’ll be doing my best drunken salsa dancing.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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