Mother Nature - Swing and a Miss!

          This past week was one for the record books. The east coast of the United States had some serious action to deal with. For starters, the strongest earthquake to hit the east coast since WWII, started in Virginia and rattled the entire D.C. Metro area. The quake was felt as far north as Portland, Maine and as far south as South Carolina. There were reports from Ohio saying they felt the movement as well. That was just to get people warmed up for the weekend when one of the biggest hurricanes to make landfall in the northeast came flooding through. An earthquake and a hurricane in the same week. Damn Mother Nature, you scary! Or are you?

          Does anyone know the reason we have natural disasters? Please don't break out the encyclopedia and start to explain plate tectonics. I'm looking for the real, meat and potatoes explanation. The explanation that you don't want to believe but need to hear. And after you do hear it, you'll understand why this past week was a real missed opportunity for the old bitch we call Mother Nature.

          I want to list the last couple natural disasters and their impact on the global population. I'm not going back 100 years, just the last couple. If you want a full list you can easily find it on Google.

   -2003 European Heat Wave. Death toll over 40,000.

   -2004 Indian Ocean Earthquake and Tsunami. Death toll over 230,000.

   -2005 Hurricane Katrina. Death toll over 1,850.

   -2005 Kashmir Earthquake. Death toll over 76,000.    

   -2008 Sichuan Earthquake. Death toll over 68,000. 

   -2010 Haiti Earthquake. Death toll 315,000

   -2011 Japan Earthquake and Tsunami. Death toll over 15,800.

   -2011 Earthquake and Hurricane Irene. Death toll approximately 40?

  

    *These figures were taken from the first or second site after a google search, they are estimates.*

         If the numbers didn't give away the reason for natural disasters I'll explain further. We have over 6 billion people living on this planet. The number continues to rise because condoms are so uncomfortable and other forms of birth control have their own issues. Since Mother Nature can't count on humans to control the population, even though they've tried (Hitler), she has to take matters into her own hands. I understand that accidents and alcohol and other forms of self inflicted killing sprees claim lives every year in large numbers. However, those numbers don't fluctuate that much from one year to the next. Those kind of variables are factored in by Momma Nature when she's setting up these "crowd control" disasters. If you look over the figures above it's clear to see with every natural disaster worth talking about she loosens the belt on the world's population pants. If you will.

        On paper, an earthquake in the D.C. Metro area has some serious potential when it comes to wiping out thousands of people. Add that with a strong hurricane sweeping from the Outer Banks of North Carolina, up past D.C. and Baltimore,  all through New York City and going up to New England and we're really on to something here. There are literally millions of people in that affected area. The death toll after this weekend could have been well over 100,000 people without blinking an eye.

        That's why I say, Swing and a Miss. Mother Nature stepped up to the opportunity of a lifetime, at least our lifetime, and took a half-assed check swing for a called strike three. People talk about wasted opportunities all the time and I think it's irresponsible to leave this one out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of massive death tolls and people suffering. I'm just shining a light on the side of this whole ordeal you weren't looking at. If we never had natural disasters there would be 23 billion people on this planet. (that figure was grabbed out of thin air) That amount of hungry mouths would never get fed and we'd be facing problems a lot more serious than the Jersey Shore. Even though that is probably the worst show on T.V. and the fact that those morons get any kind of publicity makes me want to smack orphans.

         As the great Jack Nicholson once said, "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth." Well I ask you now. Can you handle the truth about natural disasters? I would also like to reiterate that I do not support natural disasters or large death tolls. I'm just saying that if the over/under on number of deaths after two natural disasters hit the east coast in one week was set at 1,000, I would have taken the over. Just let all this sink in and maybe you'll have a different perspective next time you talk about when the "big one" is going to hit. On a side note, while Mother Nature was Swinging and Missing Saturday night in my part of town, I was enjoying a rain soaked Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich behind Mario's. (A popular late night cheesesteak joint)

Random Acts of Racism

           Do you appreciate your local supermarket? I mean really appreciate everything it offers you. I made my weekly visit to Giant this afternoon and witnessed a natural phenomenon worth writing about. I'm talking, of course, about Random Acts of Racism. I'd really like to thank my local Giant for giving me this opportunity.

           A Random Act of Racism is a situation that, when looking from a distance, could be viewed as absolutely racist. The people partaking in this awesome scene aren't doing it on purpose. It's completely random. Some people might call it a coincidence but I think it's more than that. I think there are more powerful forces at work to create such a genuinely funny and harmlessly racist act. It's just one of those things you really need to sit back and appreciate when you are lucky enough to be in attendance for it. Today was one of those days for me.


            If I asked you to tell me the most used and joked about racial stereotype, what would you say? Black people liking fried chicken? Good guess. Irish people being small dick drunks? Wrong again. Asians being good at math and terrible drivers? That's actually true but not what I'm thinking of. Black people liking watermelon? Now we're talking. Unfortunately most of the racial stereotypes we all joke about involve black people. Sorry but that's just the facts. I don't even know where the watermelon thing came from nor do I care. And everybody that knows me knows I'm not racist at all, I just appreciate racial humor.

          Well a Random Act of Racism is when you witness one of the many stereotypes being put into practice. Again, it's not on purpose and the poor saps involved probably don't even realize what's happening. But as an onlooker you can't help but acknowledge when a naturally hilarious event presents itself. They say laughter is the best medicine and what gets you laughing more than spontaneously funny situations? I'm not talking about stand-up or inprov here. These are not staged at all and that's what makes them so great. It's what keeps me young. I wish it would keep my hair black but that's another story. I'd like to share the Random Act of Racism I was graced with today and I want you to think about some that you may have seen or been a part of without realizing.


            I was strolling through the supermarket checking out the talent and grabbing a salad when it happened. A standard white guy, looked like he might have been in a fraternity in college. One of those guys that always gets cash back, if you know what I mean? Well he was standing at the watermelon bin with his lady friend trying to pick out a good one. He had no idea what he was looking for so he decided to ask for assistance. Enter the Giant worker that appears to have just come to this country from Africa. He had a very thick accent and was eager to help. It was an innocent situation and I'm sure the fraternity alum didn't seek this guy out on purpose. But take a step back and look at this again. A very white, white guy asks a very black, black man to help him pick out a watermelon. Now if you can't laugh at how randomly racist that looks then you have no sense of humor and should be shot on sight.


              We all need to just lighten up sometimes. You might have witnessed RARs (Random Acts of Racism) before and not even noticed. You know why you didn't notice? Because you were too worried that pointing out how racist it looks, even to yourself, would make you racist. That's not true, it just means that you understand how the world works and can enjoy the little things it gives you to get you through the week. You'd be surprised how much more entertaining your days could be if you allow yourself to laugh at what's funny without worrying about how it makes you look. If someone thinks I'm racist because I crack up when I see a Jewish person pick up change off the ground then fuck them, fuck them right where they stand. I fancy the little things in life and I suggest you do too! Speaking of floating my own boat, I'm on my way to the newly opened Silver Diner. I figure I'll grab some breakfast, get a Ham Sandwich to-go, then head out back and exchange it for a shame free Hand-job from some hungry bum.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - When You Gotta Go

When You Gotta Go

Gerard Depardieu and Robert Vietze have probably never met, but they share a lot in common. They are both famous for their respective crafts, they are both capable of boarding an airplane while intoxicated, and both are obnoxious assholes who have no problem treating a plane like a urinal.

Gerard Depardieu is regarded as the greatest French actor of all-time, which is like being anointed the coolest kid with Down syndrome. His American claim to fame is he played Cyrano de Bergerac and starred in a few romantic comedies in the early 1990s. Otherwise, he’s been in a bunch of movies you have never heard of. Last week, while awaiting his delayed flight to Dublin to take off, he told a flight attendant he needed to use the bathroom. She informed him he had to wait 15 minutes as the plane was about to take off and the bathrooms were locked. The French star said he couldn’t wait and proceeded to unzip his pants and urinate on the carpet. This prompted the flight to be delayed an additional two hours as the plane returned to the gate to be cleaned up. A passenger told a local radio station that Depardieu had been drinking. The airline acknowledged Depardieu had urinated on the aircraft but did not mention if he was drunk or if they would press charges. While the French are stereotyped as pussies, this shows balls.

18-year-old Robert Vietze was an up-and-coming skier with dreams of representing the U.S. Ski Team in the 2014 Winter Games. Key word being was as Vietze decided he wanted to represent America as a drunken slap dick, not as a skier. On August 12^th, Vietze stood up during his cross continental flight, stumbled a few rows towards an 11-year-old girl, and treated this girl like a toilet seat. The girl was by herself as her father and her sister were in the restrooms. Upon the father seeing the skier pissing on his daughter, he did what any normal dad would have done: he lost his shit and wanted to beat the fuck out of Vietze. Flight attendants separated the men while Vietze slurred that he had an accident. I should point out this is not the worst thing to happen to this family recently. The father was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. On the cancer scale, stage 4 is the most severe stage. It doesn’t mean death automatically, but it does involve fighting for your life to survive. Vietze admitted to police he had consumed eight alcoholic beverages before boarding the plane. He was going to be charged with indecent exposure, but federal prosecutors dropped the case. It appears the underage drunk has been unofficially kicked off the team.

Despite my blackout ways, I have always controlled where I urinated. I know I am in the minority as many of my friends have pissed themselves or pissed in ridiculous places while drunk. I don’t know why I can hold it in while Double Down treats an air mattress like a trough. I realize Depardieu and Vietze would probably never have done these acts if not for the influence of alcohol. It still doesn’t excuse them for what they did. These sacks of shit deserve worse than not be able to ski or act in the next French movie. Maybe a tit for tat punishment and let someone whiz on them. Maybe something more severe like earning ham sandwiches for the day to feed the homeless. While people pee on them.

-Written by Marcus Boyd

Co-ed Sports

                Hey there Ham Sandwich lovers, sorry for the long layoff. I took last week off to regroup and get a few ideas together. I'm back now and I plan on putting up two posts a week. Marcus Boyd will continue to post on Thursdays and I have another up and coming writer that is thinking about getting in on the action. So stay tuned.

                When I moved down to the DC Metro area I started getting involved in different sports leagues around the city. I was in a kickball league, an indoor volleyball league and now I'm part of a beach volleyball league. All the games are played in similar locations so even though I've only played on 3 teams, I've been able to check out all the other sports this area has to offer. This brought me to the conclusion that beach volleyball is the best co-ed sport. Here's why.

                There are a number of reasons that make beach volleyball better than other sports when it comes to co-ed play. I'm going to talk about the two most important ones. First, the difference between men and women when it comes to skill level is very small. Of course men, in general, can jump higher and hit the ball harder. However, in volleyball that isn't as important as you'd think. Good ball contact and placement are just as crucial. It's not as easy to get by just being an athletic male. That's what makes it such a great co-ed sport. Volleyball isn't like the rest when it comes to co-ed play. If you were playing co-ed basketball for instance, the girls on either team would be more of a liability. Sorry ladies, that's just how it is. In volleyball, you can have a team of 3 guys and 3 girls and everyone can be playing at the same level. In fact, some of the girls are probably better than the guys in terms of fundamentals. So if you're looking for a competitive sport to play with the ladies, volleyball is the way to go. Some people might say softball is in the same boat. I disagree, the size of the field and hitting power will separate the men from the women. That isn't the case in volleyball. The playing field is small enough that sheer athletic ability won't give you that much of an edge. It's what I'm going to talk about next that really catapults volleyball to the top.

                Has anyone ever noticed what girls wear when they play volleyball? Very small spandex shorts. If the game is indoor the shorts will be accompanied by a shirt or maybe a sports bra. In beach volleyball it'll most likely be a sports bra or bikini top. I was playing the other day and one of the girls was playing in just a bikini. What other sport, excluding swimming, can you go and see smoking hot girls wearing as little as possible? The answer none, it's only beach volleyball. It's hard to find something sexier than a hot chick in spandex shorts, a bikini top, covered in sand and sweaty. Every time I go to play in our league I have to have my head on a swivel so I don't miss anything. You don't have that in other sports. You just don't.

                I know I said I would only talk about two reasons. But I just thought of this one and need to get it out there. I like watching Men's Basketball and I hate watching Women's Basketball. The reason you ask? It's boring as shit. It's slow and boring and I can't stand it. Again, sorry ladies. However, I can watch Women's Volleyball anytime. Not just because they are wearing sexy outfits and sweating. But because the games are very competitive and entertaining to watch. If there are two games on, one men's beach volleyball and one women's beach volleyball. I would rather watch the women's game. I would do that because both games will be equally entertaining sports wise. But, the women's game comes with the added bonus of skimpy shorts and nice asses. So next time you're in the mood for a competitive co-ed sporting event. I would strongly suggest volleyball. Beach volleyball more specifically because you can dive in the sand and it won't hurt. The opportunity for "Top Plays" is greater in the sand.

               I play every Wednesday in a league down by the Lincoln Memorial and it's one of the best moves I've made since I moved down here. I get to check out the scenery, play an extremely fun sport and to top it off. DC has some of the best places to exchange Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches on the entire East Coast.

              

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Bad Rap for the King of Media

Last week, E-Source Celebrity posted the results of its “Top 10 Most Hated American” poll. Nine of the choices did not surprise me. There were made up of people who got away with murder (HJ4HS’s favorite Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson), reality star douchebags (Spencer Pratt, Jon Gosselin, Paris Hilton), and other infamous personalities (Levi Johnston, Jesse James, Heidi Fleiss, Nadya 'Octomom' Suleman). Placing tenth was a person who doesn’t deserve to affiliate with any of these shit bums: Howard Stern.

I am biased as I am a huge Howard Stern fan. I’ve been listening/watching for as long as I can remember and he is the reason I am a Sirius subscriber to this day. I appreciate his humor, he seems to utilize all of his staff’s strengths to produce an entertaining show, and I believe he is the best interviewer in the media today. He isn’t afraid to ask the questions Jay Leno or David Letterman would never ask in a million years. Many celebrities have confided over the years that they have revealed secrets to Stern on the air that they never intended to share publicly.

At the same time, I can understand why Howard Stern is not appreciated by all. His humor can be described as classless, juvenile, crude, or all of the above. He has crossed a line from time to time. I get that he may not be everyone’s cup of tea. However, to put him in the same of light of murderers and media whores is preposterous. On his show, Stern has a regular segment where some of his staffers hit the streets to ask ordinary people questions. In the past month, Howard Stern has been viewed as a worse person than Casey Anthony and Anders Behring Breivik by some of the people questioned. It appears Anthony killed her daughter. Breivik is the guy who opened fire at a youth camp in Norway. To repeat, two people who were responsible for the loss of lives were found to be better people than a man who tells dick jokes on the radio.

If it were up to me, I would replace Stern with some of the following people:

· Bernie Madoff-Thanks to his Ponzi scheme, he defrauded investors of approximately $65 billion. Many lost their life savings and retirement funds due to Madoff, including Mets owner Fred Wilpon. Wilpon lost millions of dollars and was almost forced to sell his team.

· Kim Kardashian-She is famous because she is rich, has a boring sex tape, and dates athletes. Her only job is to be hot and show off her redonkadonk. She contributes nothing else to society.

· Barry Bonds/Roger Clemens-Both are some of the best baseball players of our generation. Bonds has the most home runs of all time. Clemens is viewed as the greatest pitcher in the last 25 years. Both have severe allegations of steroid use during their playing careers, viewing many fans to look down at their numbers and try to block out all of their memories from the Steroids Era of baseball.

· Insert “Jersey Shore” character-Some of my friends do drugs. My one roommate is a full-blown alcoholic. I watch the Jersey Shore. We all have our vices. However, they are all famous and making millions for acting like spoiled meatheads on TV. If you think any of them have any other redeemable qualities, please Google “The Situation” at Donald Trump’s roast.

Howard Stern will continue entertaining millions of fans with his satellite radio show. He will continue watching his bank account grow. He will continue loving his beautiful wife. He will continue telling racist jokes and making fun of other people. It’s just a shame he had to waste his time on Monday’s show discussing his place on this list.

      -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - 99 Problems

I Got 99 Problems, but Reality Ain’t One

This past weekend, I couldn’t attend a friend’s bachelor party in Virginia because I was in Boston, going to baseball games and drinking my face off. While it might appear that I missed one good time for another good time, I was suffering from an affliction that many of us suffer from today: white people problems.

White people problems are basically problems that really aren’t serious problems. Not having enough money to feed your kid is a real legitimate problem. Only having enough money for a grande caramel macchiato from Starbucks when you really wanted a venti is a white people problem. Real problem: My mom was telling me how an unruly patient kicked her in the head and drew blood during her shift in the hospital. White people problem: I complained that $8 beers were cut off after the 6^th inning at Fenway Park. If you don’t think white people problems are real, feel free to Google it and be prepared to be mindfucked by all the sites and videos dedicated to it. Other examples of white people problems that have occurred to friends this summer:

· One friend couldn’t go golfing because his meeting about staining his cabinets ran long

· Some friends complained about their lack of sexual adventures on their month long trip to Europe

· One friend complained about the boots she ordered online no longer being made on her expensive shopping spree

· One friend complained about the grass on the field being too long as he was trying to play ball

Just because all of these problems happened to Caucasians doesn’t mean it can only happen to white people. All races can suffer from white people problems. I think it’s time we open up the problems to more ethnic/social groups, so no one is left out. If you are upset your child only got into Harvard, but not M.I.T.: Asian people problems. If you are bummed you can’t keep drinking because the bars close at 3 am: Irish people problems. If you are angry you can’t say the word “about” properly: Canadian people problems. If you are annoyed your plan to take over the world on a mode of transportation was ruined by a chef: Casey Ryback problems. If you are mad you can’t hit up the club tonight after spending the last three years bored out of your mind: Casey Anthony problems. And so on and so on.

I know there are a bunch of HJ4HS readers who have real problems and I feel for you. I really do. Unfortunately, real problems aren’t funny and blog-worthy. I’m just burdened with a bunch of white people problems at the moment. Now, if you can excuse me, I need to decide what type of steak I’m gonna grill and which 57” TV I am gonna watch “Wilfred” on tonight.

                        -Written by Marcus Boyd

Drinks After Work??

Every now and then I get to write about a topic that is loosely related to my degree in Economics. What's even more exciting about today's topic is that it also relates to drinking alcohol. Economics and alcohol, what can be better? Well actually I can think of a few things better but let's keep it legal. I'd like to talk a little bit about opportunity cost when it comes to drinking on a weeknight. Or any night where you have to work the next morning.

Opportunity cost can be defined by the benefits you forgo by taking an alternative action. For example, if you decide to go out to dinner with you're friends instead of having a family meal at home; the opportunity cost of going out to dinner would be the money you spent on dinner and the family time you could have had at home. Let me put that another way. If you go out for drinks on a Tuesday night, the opportunity cost would be the money you spend plus the rest and relaxation you passed up by going out. If you didn't go out, you could have read a book and got plenty of rest for work the next morning. You can also think of it as the opportunity cost of staying in would be the fun you could have had if you went out for drinks. It all depends on which one would be your first choice.

So here is the question. What should you do if someone invites you out for drinks on a weeknight? We have to weigh the pros and cons of each option and make an educated decision. Whichever one you decide has the lower opportunity cost is the correct choice. For this example there are only two options. Either you go out, or you stay home and rest. I don't want to 'what if' this to death. "Well what if instead of going out, I take night classes and learn a new language?" NO, there are only two options. Go out, or stay in. What's the best choice?

Let's start with the staying in option. If we stay in we can just lounge around the house. Watch some TV and just relax. We'll go to bed early and be nice and rested for work in the morning. It feels pretty good when you wake up refreshed and ready to start your day. I'm a bit of a morning person, so I'm sure you don't all share my enthusiasm about the AM. You have to admit if you rated your weekdays on a scale of 1-10 (1 being a really really shitty Monday morning, 10 being a half-day Friday before a 3-day weekend) the days you got a full nights rest would score significantly higher, ceteris paribus. (which is a Latin term used in Economics and Finance that means "holding all other things equal") Certainly the argument can be made that it is more beneficial to stay in and rest on the weeknights. However, we didn't even hear the other side yet.

* * * *

Now I said earlier to make a pros and cons list. This is how it's going to work. All the pros of staying in are listed above. All the pros of going out will be listed below. The cons of staying in are that you can't go out. The cons of going out are that you can't stay in. If you'd like to go over the cons again please refer to the appropriate paragraph.

* * * *

If we decide to go out for drinks on a Tuesday night there are a number of crazy things that could happen. I don't want to 'what if' this one to death either so this is what we'll do. It will be a standard Tuesday night on the town. Out with friends and having a great time. The possibility of meeting a nice lady (guy) is always there. I have a hard time finding things I like to do more than going out and getting beers with my friends. Being out, telling jokes, getting a nice healthy buzz going and maybe chatting it up with a few randoms. That makes for a great Tuesday night. The chance you'll get a little too buzzed and feel like a pile of shit the next morning is over 50% but if you want to play the game you've got to pay the fee.

After weighing the options what would your choice be? Which one of the options has the lower opportunity cost to you? Sunday funday and a lousy Monday morning? Or a night on the couch and an early bird gets the worm type of morning? I've had my fair share of experience with both and I have to say I'm leaning towards the night out on the town. I wouldn't be able to do it every night but one or two nights a week will do the trick. I value sleep as much as the next guy but if I stay in every night I feel like I'm missing out on life. So the opportunity cost of staying in is much too high for me. So make your own pros and cons list and you decide. For now, I'm going to grab a couple beers after work, get nice and sauced up, head over to the IHOP and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Enjoy the week! 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Doucher of the Year

Doucher of the Year

I thought we had Doucher of The Year in 2011 wrapped up In March when 27 year-old Karin Mackaliunas of Scranton, PA decided to use her vagina as a carry-on bag. After she was detained as a suspect of an inn robbery and found with three bags of heroin on her, police noticed Mackaliunas acting suspiciously. When asked why was acting that way, she admitted she was concealing some things in her woman region: 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills, $51.22, and a Dominican midget named Chico. I’m kidding about Chico, but the rest is true. There was a bunch of questions I wanted to ask about this situation: Why hide the money? How was the $51.22 broken down? Why did you store ½ a prescription pill? Why keep the empty bags in you? Did you become a drug mule because of the fucked up way you spell “Karin”? How many t-shirts will I see at 2012 Parade Day mocking this? Where can I buy one of these shirts? What do you think of my kilt? However, Karin might have been out-douched by this loving and caring father.

28 year-old Billy Joe Madden of Hattiesburg, MS was charged with two counts of child desertion, parent allowing a minor to drive, open container and two counts of no child restraint and no seatbelt after Billy Joe was found to be riding shotgun, intoxicated, while his 8 year-old son was driving the pick-up truck and his 4 year-old daughter was in the backseat. The truck was stopped in Holden, LA, en route to Dallas, TX. Bail was set at $1,474 and his children were turned over to child welfare until a family member could take custody of them.

Let’s break down this sack of shit. If this guy had just had a few beers and let his son drive the truck a few miles down the road, he’d be among the worse human being of all time. I’d still keep Hitler on the hook for trying to erase the Jewish population. However, there is so much more to this story. First, the dad was charged with open container, meaning he was currently drinking in the truck while his son drove. Second, neither child had on their seatbelt (both kids) or was in a child seat (the 4 year-old). Third, the trip from Holden to Dallas is about 500 miles, and who knows how long this kid was driving before he got pulled over (hopefully not too long). All I can say is it is a miracle that someone on the highway saw the pickup truck driving erratically in the first place or else this story might be dealing with injuries and deaths.

We need a license to drive. We need to provide proof of age to buy alcohol and tobacco. We need to be registered to vote. Yet, we need nothing to procreate except a consenting male and female. Billy Joe Madden might make us re-evaluate that. This scumbag has two children (at least) that he values so much, he lets his daughter roam freely in the backseat while her older brother is chauffeuring them on the family trip. This kid should be playing with Legos, not driving for several hours. I’m surprised this guy was even allowed bail while showing this much negligence. He belongs in prison for life, casted down with the sodomites. He also is the proud recipient of the 2011 Doucher of the Year award. Congratulations slap dick!

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

Where The Ladies At??

           You never know where your inspiration is going to come from. I was shopping at Giant, our local supermarket, today and suddenly realized something that I need to share with everyone. As a man, more importantly a single man, I'm always on the prowl. It doesn't matter where I happen to be, I will constantly scan my surrounding for potential mates. Or "rolls in the hay" if you will. It wasn't until I was shopping for cold cuts that I figured out we, as men, are set up for success. We have all the information we need. It doesn't matter what demographic you're after either. There are places to go where your lady of preference will be in abundance. You just need to figure those spots out and frequent them until you build up the testicular fortitude (balls) to make a move. As for the northern Virginia and D.C. Metro area, I think I have the spots figured out.

           Let's start at the just legal to drink age. If you're looking for someone younger than 21 then good for you, but you have to figure that one out on your own. In Arlington, Virginia the spot to go for fresh drinking ladies would be the Clarendon Ballroom, especially the rooftop. It's chock full of young ladies that don't know their limits yet. I'm not saying you can go there and take advantage of these girls but they won't be standoffish like normal. They go there to have a great time and get wasted. Since they'll be tuned up they'll talk to almost anyone. Just say you're in college or you just turned 21 and their eyes will light up. There is a good chance that they'll do something crazy too just for the story so keep your head on a swivel and remain open minded.

           If you're looking for a slightly older bunch there are many more options. The 24-28 year old crowd hits up happy hours all over the Arlington area. You want to get there right after the happy hour starts for two reasons. One, the drinks are cheap so you can get your buzz on without breaking the bank. Two, this group demands a little more attention. You might have to build up a quick relationship before you think about stepping on the gas pedal. There are exceptions of course, meaning girls in this age group that just go home with any swinging dick that says hello. But, for the most part you'll have to put in a little time, so get there early. As for the D.C. area you can basically take your pick where to go. Stay away from the expensive martini bars and pretentious looking joints. You'll find an older woman there anyway. The story is the same though, get there early and get some conversation in. These type of women need a reason to wake up with shame in the morning. You'll have to woo them, you know tell some jokes, keep it light and friendly. You want to let her know that you're happy to be talking to her but you could be talking to another girl just as easily.

           This next age group is a lot of fun. The 29-35 year olds know what they want. You'll be able to find these girls in the same places as the last group but they might be alone or with one of their girlfriends. They are confident enough with themselves not to have to travel in large groups. So look out for that. You'll have to put in a little bit of work here too but not as much as you'd think. Like I said, they know what they want and that's why they're at the bar. It's not free but as little as a good opener could seal the deal on this one. You need to be clever maybe even a little cheesy if you play if off that way. These girls are impressed with the guy that will just walk right up to them, so don't go in there with a bunch of dudes and try to talk to just her. You need to send in an opener and if the girl is with her friend, then one other guy comes into the mix. Don't overpower them with a group. Also remember that these ladies know what they want so don't be shy about sexual humor or innuendos. They'll be easy to talk to once it's gets going because they have a career and tons of shit to talk about. So keep the questions coming but make sure you seem interested. This isn't their first rodeo and even though they want what you do, they have the self respect to hold out for someone that's at least interested.

             I put the rest in the large group of 36 and older or more commonly known as Cougars. Most of them have children, probably divorced or in a terrible marriage. When you talk about women that know what they want, these are at the top of the list. You don't even have to be clever for this to work out. As long as you talk to her and say how young she looks, it'll be like taking candy from a baby. (maybe even her baby) These ladies hang out at the expensive martini bars. Another great place to find them is the supermarket. That's where I had this revelation. I noticed all the hot mammas pushing carts around and was pleasantly surprised. The approach in a supermarket is a little different but you do what you have to do. Maybe a joke about the size of the melons in her cart would work. No, I'm kidding don't say that. You just have to open it up, she'll do most of the talking. Just stay away from the douchebag antics. If you don't know what I'm talking about you probably do them all the time. How's that cold bed treating you? Stop being a douchebag!

        As I've stated above, we are set up for success and have all the information we need. For what you ask? I'm not going to spell it out but it rhymes with "putt decks." No I'm kidding, just regular sex. I mean if the opportunity presents itself don't look a gift horse in the mouth. That would be rude. I'm not claiming to be some kind of Casanova but I've talked to a few girls before and these are my findings. So if you ever get tired of going behind run down gas stations and getting Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches you have everything you need here. Good Luck!