This past weekend, I couldn’t attend a friend’s bachelor party in Virginia because I was in Boston, going to baseball games and drinking my face off. While it might appear that I missed one good time for another good time, I was suffering from an affliction that many of us suffer from today: white people problems.
White people problems are basically problems that really aren’t serious problems. Not having enough money to feed your kid is a real legitimate problem. Only having enough money for a grande caramel macchiato from Starbucks when you really wanted a venti is a white people problem. Real problem: My mom was telling me how an unruly patient kicked her in the head and drew blood during her shift in the hospital. White people problem: I complained that $8 beers were cut off after the 6th inning at Fenway Park. If you don’t think white people problems are real, feel free to Google it and be prepared to be mindfucked by all the sites and videos dedicated to it. Other examples of white people problems that have occurred to friends this summer:
· One friend couldn’t go golfing because his meeting about staining his cabinets ran long
· Some friends complained about their lack of sexual adventures on their month long trip to Europe
· One friend complained about the boots she ordered online no longer being made on her expensive shopping spree
· One friend complained about the grass on the field being too long as he was trying to play ball
Just because all of these problems happened to Caucasians doesn’t mean it can only happen to white people. All races can suffer from white people problems. I think it’s time we open up the problems to more ethnic/social groups, so no one is left out. If you are upset your child only got into Harvard, but not M.I.T.: Asian people problems. If you are bummed you can’t keep drinking because the bars close at 3 am: Irish people problems. If you are angry you can’t say the word “about” properly: Canadian people problems. If you are annoyed your plan to take over the world on a mode of transportation was ruined by a chef: Casey Ryback problems. If you are mad you can’t hit up the club tonight after spending the last three years bored out of your mind: Casey Anthony problems. And so on and so on.
I know there are a bunch of HJ4HS readers who have real problems and I feel for you. I really do. Unfortunately, real problems aren’t funny and blog-worthy. I’m just burdened with a bunch of white people problems at the moment. Now, if you can excuse me, I need to decide what type of steak I’m gonna grill and which 57” TV I am gonna watch “Wilfred” on tonight.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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