It's Groundhog Day - It's Groundhog Day - It's Groundhog Day - Get It?

Hey Punxsutawney Phil, go fuck yourself!

                 February is here. For a small town in western Pennsylvania that means a big day is right around the corner. By right around the corner I mean February 2nd. By big day I mean Groundhog day. For those of you who haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day, wait what? How have you not seen that movie? Anyway, it's classic Bill Murray and it's fantastic. I'm not really worried too much about the movie for this post, I'd like to focus on the actual event and what it's about. However, my only reference for the actual holiday is the movie.

                 On February 2nd in a small town called Punxsutawney an extraordinary event takes place. According to legend, a magical groundhog named Phil can predict the coming of an early Spring. So every year, hundreds maybe even thousands of hicks gather in this little shit-hole town to watch this spectacle. The only thing I really know about the holiday came from watching the movie approximately 1,679 times. I told you, it's classic Bill Murray and I'll watch it whenever it's on. So in the movie, they gather around the part of town called Gobbler's Knob. (insert blow job joke here) They party all night, singing and dancing around burning barrels. They listen to Polka music and really hick it up. It's quite a show. Then, very early on February 2nd, the magic happens.

                Again, pulling all this from the movie, a couple guys in tuxedos make a couple announcements. Then they wrap on Phil's door, reach in and pull the little bastard out. After they "talk" to the groundhog, they read from a scroll that tells us if Phil saw his shadow. 

                Here's the rundown: If he sees his shadow, it's 6 more weeks of Winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, it's an early Spring. Common sense would tell you if it's sunny that day, he would see his shadow. If it's cloudy, he probably won't. Well if you know anything about hicks, they don't have much common sense. So the actual weather that day has nothing to do with it. If you saw earlier that they read from a scroll, that would also tell you that this whole thing is predetermined anyway. All these people get amped up to see if it's going to be warm soon, or continue to be cold until actual Spring. Wow.

               They managed to get a holiday, a movie, and everyone's attention to watch a groundhog look for his shadow to tell you if Spring weather will come on March 20th (the vernal equinox) or somehow earlier. What a country.

               Well Phil, I got news for you. Spring weather is already here and has been for months now. So take your stupid holiday and all the hicks (yea I used that word a lot but I like it and it works) that pay attention to it and stick it up your little groundhog ass. The seasons are determined by the tilt of the Earth's axis and it's orbit around the Sun. Not by some overgrown rat with a hick following in Pennsylvania. The actual weather, judging by this year, doesn't care about the seasons anyway. So for Groundhog day this year, I'll take out my Gobblers Knob, see it's shadow and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from a bum in southern PA. Yea I'll take the ride up there to prove a point.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Rabble Rabble Rabble: Snippets from the Weekend

Rabble Rabble Rabble: Snippets from the Weekend

Instead of focusing 800 words on one topic, I’m gonna post random thoughts on an array of things from the past weekend. You might be thinking “What a cop-out. Write a full post, douchebag”. Eh, whatever, fuck you. Billy Cundiff, stop reading immediately.

-I hope you don’t own your place in Maryland, Billy Cundiff, I hope that you rent.

-The following people will always drink for free if they are in my presence: Natalie Portman, the guy that invented blowjobs, and Kyle Williams.

-While Billy Cundiff will catch all the heat (deservingly so) for the loss, Lee Evans deserves his fair share of the blame. How the hell do you not secure the game winner?!?

-I don’t watch a lot of commercials due to DVRing and my ability to change the channel, but there are some awful ones out there. You’re the Egg McMuffin of my fill in the blank. God awful. The only thing worse than that one is the Budweiser commercial where some slap dick is blurting out things that suck while the crowd counters with more positive things. Finally, Mr. Glass is Half Empty mentions his cute neighbor Sarah and joins the happy crowd with some playful high-fives. We all know this guy will either rape Sarah, kill Sarah, or both after his night of drinking Bud Heavies with his new friends.

-I think Ed Hochuli should spend more time explaining his calls. Jesus Christ, does he get paid by the word? I could have watched a movie in the time he explained the non-reversal of Vernon Davis’ first TD. I think if you asked Hochuli what time it was, he’d explain to you how a watch worked. Keep it simple, Gun Show.

-The Republican Party has a nice little problem on their hands. Three men going for one spot. I don’t know how they believe they can take over the presidency when their party is that divided. Don’t forget the turd in the punch bowl, Ron Paul.

-After Joe Flacco was dissed by his teammate, Ed Reed, every ESPN analyst said this matter should have been in-house. While that all sounds good, it’s impossible. Between social media & everyone’s access to post online immediately, and overall media coverage, nothing can be private. Don’t believe me. Ten years ago, Brian Downing would be a free man, bragging to his frat brahs about teabagging some LSU turd. Now, he’s in prison, charged with sexual battery.

-There’s the Alex Smith we all know and love.

-I wished I could have stormed the court/field once in my life. Unfortunately, Bloomsburg never pulled off any great upsets during my distinguished four year academic career.

-There’s nothing better than your team being in the Super Bowl and being old enough to celebrate properly. After Super Bowl XLII, I trashed my living room, threw a keg across the street, threw up in four different spots, fell asleep outside, and was found rummaging through the basement at 2:30 am, looking for a fondue set. Good times.

-Before I told my girlfriend that previous story, she was an 8 on the worried scale from 1 to 10 for this year’s Super Bowl. Now, she is a 214 and the number is rising.

-I am glad Domino’s addressed the serious issue of not enough cheese on their cheesy bread. Now, we can have our top scientists focus all of their attention on curing cancer.

-My predictions for the NFL season were mixed. I successfully picked seven out of 12 playoff teams with Arizona being the only team I was way off on. I butchered all the Peyton/Colts predictions and was spotty on my coach firings. My 7-9 prediction for the Giants was off due to the late winning streak, which saved Tom Coughlin’s job. I still don’t understand how Mike Shanahan, his fake tan, and his cunty son are still in DC.

-Ryan Braun accepting his MVP trophy this weekend without explaining his failed drug test = Pure balls

-If I was given the choice of seeing a double feature of the new Reese Witherspoon and Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson movies or getting kicked in the nuts by Billy Cundiff, I’m gambling on another wide left.

-Who knew Steven Tyler hated America? Honestly, how can you be a professional singer and fuck up the National Anthem? I realize there is pressure, but you are used to it. I realize there have been worst renditions (Roseanne Barr and Carl Lewis come to mind), but this American Idol judge joins the ranks of music stars who dishonored the red, white, and blue.

-Joe Paterno’s passing. When I asked the biggest Penn St. fan I know on his thoughts, he said he had wished it happened four months ago. His views weren’t bitter, but rather a sense of the coach not having to deal with the fallout. That is completely understandable considering the recent events. Not that his death would have exonerated him, but it would have led to a more peaceful end for JoePa and history tends to go easier on the non-living. The coach shouldn’t be forgotten for his role in this ordeal, but he shouldn’t be defined entirely by it either.

-I think Josh loves footnotes more than Pat loves giving up ham sandwiches.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

White House RSVP: Not Attending

                I know not everyone out there is a sports fan. I also know not everyone out there cares about politics. This little diddy has both. So enjoy it or continue to exercise your right as a free citizen to do something else.

                Tim Thomas is a goalie in the NHL and plays for the Boston Bruins. If you didn't know, they won the Stanley Cup last year. As tradition will have it, Barack Obama invited the team to the White House for a celebration. It's the same old thing for every sport. The President talks about the team and how great they played. The team thanks him and talks about how great they played. They give the President a team jersey and enjoy the Nation's Capital. This year was a bit different.

                Tim Thomas who was the MVP (Most Valuable Player) of the Stanley Cup Playoffs didn't attend this celebration. His so called "snub" of Obama caused quite a ruckus. In his own words Thomas defended himself by posting this on his official Facebook page:

"I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.

This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.

Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.

This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT"

            I'm going to give you a chance to re-read all that. . . . . So, what do you think? I had to put aside all my hatred of the Boston Bruins, and the rest of New England for that matter, and say that reading what TT wrote gave me goosebumps. There are a number of other reasons I had goosebumps but I'm giving all the credit to Thomas on this one. The Federal Government is growing out of control and it doesn't seem there is anything we are going to do about it. On a small level, Tim Thomas is trying to do something. With this little act he completely overshadowed the team's visit to the White House. He also made it possible for everyone to read his opinion and think about why he did what he did. It goes to show that not all athletes are meat-head morons with tiny steroid ball sacks.

            That's not saying all athletes are involved and intelligent. (T.O. = DUH) But it's very refreshing to see a player stand up for what he believes in. Especially the MVP of the Championship winning team. It really said something to do that and I know Obama heard it. I just hope everyone else hears it and we can actually change where this country is headed. Otherwise we're on the fast track to a country filled with out of work pussies looking for a hand-out. What I mean there is, this country is filled with a lot of pussies (not the good kind) that want things handed to them (Occupy *.*) instead of working to change their own lives.

           Tim Thomas is living the dream. He gets paid tons of money to play the game he loves. But he stays involved and isn't afraid to stand-up for his beliefs. He made a bold move and I commend him for it. In his honor and I guess to honor all of the NHL, I'm going to work a little harder to find a bum with missing teeth to exchange a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich with.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds

Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds

This month, all the television networks are gearing up to release their new programming for the winter schedule. Some shows returned from their hiatus’ (“30 Rock” for example), but mostly brand new shows will debut. Two that caught my eye were “The Firm” and “Napoleon Dynamite”. The reason they caught my eye is it continues a growing trend that Hollywood is out of ideas and keeps recycling the same shit over and over again.

In 1991, John Grisham’s novel “The Firm” debuted to critical acclaim. Two years later, Tom Cruise played the lead role in the movie version. Hollywood writers decided to dust off this script and pick up the storyline from where the 1993 movie ended. Tom Cruise was not available for the role since he’s Tom fucking Cruise. There is a better chance Suri Cruise goes to public school than Tom being on a network show. Also, no one would believe he was a straight man in his early 30s. As these writers were going through the pile of old scripts, they also landed on the 2004 cult classic “Napoleon Dynamite” and decided to turn it into a cartoon. Oddly enough, all the actors were available to reprise their roles. I guess there wasn’t high demand for Uncle Rico, Pedro, and the black tranny Kip married.

Really Hollywood? There isn’t enough creativity left to write a new TV show. Instead, scripts from 20 years ago are the new muses for recent programs. Was American clamoring to see Napoleon Dynamite and his updated views on tetherball and tater tots? John Grisham’s book was already butchered by the movie, now they need to finish it off completely with the television series. How hard is it to write a TV show? Group some hot chicks with a few dudes, write some jokes, and have the story line make sense after each episode. We’re not talking about curing cancer; we’re talking about a half-hour sitcom.

It’s not just television that is ripping off older projects. “The Karate Kid” and “Footloose” are two 80s classics that were remade recently. I boycotted watching either, but I’d imagine it’s the same storyline with minimal changes to make it more modern. The original movies might have been dated, but they were perfect just the way they are. I am not even going to waste the two hours to see Will Smith’s kid exact revenge on bullies since I’ve already seen Daniel LaRusso do it a hundred times. Plus, you get the weird sexual tension between him and Mr. Miyagi. I know the current version wouldn’t touch that subject with a ten foot pole.

While researching this article, I saw a website where there are currently 50 remakes in discussion. 50?!?! One of them being “Point Break”. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Unless they can resurrect Patrick Swayze from the grave, this movie has no chance of succeeding. And I don’t think I’ll be seeing Swayz-dog riding waves anytime soon. So Hollywood, for the love of God, just write some new shit. It doesn’t even have to be good. Just something new. You got a responsibility, writers of Hollywood. Instead of remaking an older project like some goon on the porch, you should get off your asses and think of a new fucking idea. 

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

From Josh with Love - In the Beginning, There Were Jobs

In the Beginning, There Were Jobs

If you have been following politics for, I don’t know, the last four years or so then you will know that unemployment and the economy is the primary issue among both voters and politicians. It has also spurred a lot of discussion, debate and stinging rhetoric across party lines. All you have to do is listen to one of Obama’s dog and pony shows or one Republican debate[1]. I have done both. I try to keep up on what the President says because I think it’s important. I watch the Republican debates primarily for the drinking game. Here are the rules. Take a drink every time one of the following happens:

- A candidate breaches their time limit

- Another candidate calls someone out for breaching time limit

- Mitt Romney sounds like a cartoon character

- Newt Gingrich says something crass

- Rick Perry’s point makes you want to piss on your TV

- You think to yourself “I wish Ron Paul was drunk at my family reunion”

- The moderator ignores John Huntsman (I wrote this before he dropped out)

- Rick Santorum gives Jerry Sandusky-esque crooked pedophile smile

Oh, did I mention you will get shit blasted drunk while playing this game. Nevertheless, getting Americans back to work is the paramount issue and will continue to be leading up to and through the election this fall. I think the two primary contributors to this blog would agree. They are smart, talented, educated and under-employed. Oh, they’re also raging drunks and dickheads, which is the other shared similarity between them and most Americans under 30 years old. So, each party and every politician promises to do one simple thing: create jobs.

To these people I have a simple question; have you ever seen a job created? I have. I had the pleasure to tour a job factory in suburban St. Louis recently. It really is quite a sight. The first thing that I noticed was how clean and industrial the plant was. Foremen roam the factory floor inspecting machines with unsurpassed technology. Just the robotics involved would make your head spin. Machines move swiftly and precisely. This factory creates jobs at a rate of about 300 per hour, one of the most efficient in the US. The output is sublime; perfect, symmetrical, strong and identical jobs, one by one rolling off the assembly line. Although, you can’t help but notice that most of the machines are assembled from imported parts.

Ok, so you get the point. You can’t create a job. It’s not a product, fuckers. So, is there a recipe for jobs?

Corn on the Job

- 1 cup infrastructure spending
- 2 cups de-regulation
- ¼ cup tax cuts
- ¾ cup education reform
- ¼ cup housing assistance
- Tbsp of kill everyone on wall street
- Tsp nutmeg[2]

Mix thoroughly and bake at hotly contested debates in house and senate for 8 years. Let rest for an entire election year. Serves 230-240 million people.

I think I’ve made my point on that. My larger point is this; this recession sucks, and it’s going to continue to suck and it would be nice for one of these spineless cocksuckers to just stand up and say that instead of trying to sell Americans on this creationist theory of jobs.

Warning: this is where I get serious

Consider that between 2007 and the third quarter of 2011 GDP went from $13.2 trillion[3] to $15.2 trillion[4]. So, GDP has rebounded and actually increased from highs at the start of the recession. Meanwhile, unemployment went from 5% to 8.5%[5] (and a high of nearly 10% in 2009). The current unemployment rate doesn’t even consider those who have stopped looking for jobs. What does this mean? It means that our output has increased while more people are out of work (as a percentage of the work force). Simply, we are more efficient. Ok, so GDP includes government spending. Even net of government spending GDP has essentially been flat. So basically, with that many more people out of work we produce the same amount of goods and services. The reason is pretty simple; less people working harder, technology and the collapse of housing and the industries that support it.

As typical Americans we think we can just rebound immediately. After all, we need everything to happen so quickly. We need our food prepared in 60 seconds and thrown at us through our car windows while we speed down the highway. We (men) continually get pissed when some chick doesn’t want to touch our genitals the first night we meet them. The DMV has been ridiculed for years because of wait times. Ever been in line at the grocery store and someone goes to pay with a check? I’ve seen less fury in a Rage Against the Machine mosh pit[6]. So, our culture is that we want instant gratification. But it won’t happen. Harvard economists Reinhart and Rogoff wrote a great book called “This Time is Different”. It scrubbed 800 years of data and came to a simple conclusion: deep recessions caused by a financial crisis are protracted. While you can’t read the whole book you can read their research abstract here http://www.economics.harvard.edu/files/faculty/51_This_Time_Is_Different.pdf

As far as jobs goes, look at this chart

You can see that it takes a long time for jobs to recover. Just the last downturn (2001-2005) it took nearly 48 months to return to pre-recession levels. And that wasn’t nearly as deep or severe as this downturn. While this chart is a little dated you can see that in 2010 we weren’t even close to our way back. Even if it only took 48 months like the last time we would still be talking 2012. So, what’s the message. We still have years to go until we return to where we were. Lest we forget how dire the economic and financial calamity we were in (are in) was (is).

So, how do you create a job? The answer is simple but making it happen is hard. Supply and demand is the backbone of economics. So, to create jobs you need a product that is in demand. Suggesting that this is easy or that you can just “create” them is ridiculous. That’s like saying “to get rich all I need to do is think of the next facebook”. Well, that’s going to take a great idea, skills, a lot of hard work and some luck. So how will the politicians make what America is selling attractive? The government already pushed housing as the “American product” and look where that got us. What we need is someone to want our goods, whether it is manufactured products, education, technology or our intellectual capital. So instead of just saying “I can create a job”, let’s start talking about how we can utilize our strengths to advance our economy forward. In the age of globalization, which isn’t going away, this has to include the rest of the world. Other capitalist societies are not our economic enemies; they are our key to advancement. Too bad we can’t export arrogance and egotism. Then maybe 13 million people could get a ham sandwich without giving a hand job.

                   -Written by Josh

[1] It should be easy, there’s one every 16 minutes

[2] Every fucking time I want to make something it has nutmeg in it. Who the fuck has nutmeg laying around? Screw you Rachel Ray

[3] Moody’s Analytics- National economic statistics report

[4] 3Q11 revised GDP report: http://www.bea.gov/newsreleases/national/gdp/gdpnewsrelease.htm

[5] Bureau of Labor: http://data.bls.gov/timeseries/LNS14000000

[6] HFSTival 2000 was craaaaaazy

MLK Day - A day off, really?

            Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. A civil rights leader, a pioneer, a man with a dream. One of the most influential black men in U.S. history. How should a man of this caliber be honored? What can we do to ensure that the generations to follow will know who this man was? What he did? The struggles he endured and the cowardly way his life was taken?

           A Memorial in Washington D.C. sounds like the proper way to immortalize him and everything he stood for. Done! The monument they have in the Nation's Capital is a gorgeous one. It's 30 feet tall and depicts Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. "emerging as a stone of hope from a mountain of despair" (taken from an associated press article.) It really is an impressive sight. If you haven't been there or at least checked it out online then you better not be quoting him on facebook! He really was a great man and deserves to have his legacy literally etched in stone.

          That's enough though right? Let me run down the federal holidays that come up every year;
                           

• New Year's Day - self explanatory. It's the new year, start it with a day off.
• Martin Luther King Jr. Day - Celebrating his birthday.
• Presidents Day - Celebrating the birthday of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Our Nation's first president and decorated Army General. Lincoln was one of the greatest presidents to ever serve in office. If you don't know about him then you're an asshole.
• Memorial Day - In honor of all the fallen soldiers that gave their life in pursuit of freedom and the American way of life.
• Independence Day - Celebrates our independence from British rule and the start of the United States Of America.
• Labor Day - "Celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers." (Wikipedia)
• Columbus Day - Honors Christopher Columbus who accidentally discovered America.
• Veterans Day - Honors all our Nation's Veterans both past and present.
• Thanksgiving - It's all about the Pilgrims and Indians and a day to give thanks for what you have in your life.
• Christmas - Jesus' birthday which also happens to be the same day Santa brings presents to all the nice little boys and girls around the world. (if they believe in him)

         Now, you tell me. Does he really deserve a federal holiday? Or was the Government looking for another day off and this is the best they could come up with? I'm not taking anything away from him, so please don't start freaking out. All I'm saying is, he has his own day off and we have to combine two of the greatest presidents' birthdays into just one day. Sounds a little fishy. I don't think his dream of equality had anything to do with an entire day off. That seems awfully selfish.

        The only other day that is honoring just one man is Columbus day. I know he made it to the U.S. by accident but he was still the first one here. I'm not getting into the whole "Indians were here first" argument. In 1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean blue and that's the end of it. He discovered America and should probably have a day to himself.

       I'm not saying the civil rights movement doesn't deserve a day off. I think maybe it should incorporate more of the people that were involved. Maybe have a "Civil Rights Day" or something to that affect. If you compare it to the other federal holidays, does it really sit in the same basket? What basket? Anyway, Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I had to work today anyway. So to honor the man and everything he did for civil rights, I'll be heading to 1964 Independence Avenue, SW Washington, DC 20024 to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich.

                

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Luckiest Man in Sports

The Luckiest Man in Sports

"We've become so desensitized to violence that we see all the time, that we're actually blaming the victims now. I'm watching the news the other night, and some guy gets killed by a stray bullet while he was pumping gas at a gas station. And they interviewed an eyewitness, and the eyewitness said, `He was at the wrong place at the wrong time.' And I'm like, `Wrong place at the wrong time?' Where the fuck do you go when your tank is on `E,' Chuck-E-Cheese?"

-Comedian Nick DiPaolo

Three weeks ago, Bill O’Brien was known as the coach who yelled at Tom Brady during one of the Patriots games. Now, this Irish drunk (stereotyping saves time people) is the head coach at Penn State and is the luckiest man in sports. He was at the right place at the right time.

Many believed that Joe Paterno would die before stepping down as head coach. Paterno was untouchable. Students would riot if the winningest college football coach of all time was fired for his team’s performance. Florida State faced heavy media scrutiny when they forced Bobby Bowden into early retirement, and Bowden didn’t have the tenure in Tallahassee than JoePa did in Happy Valley. No one at the school would have the balls to dismiss the PSU coaching legend. In 2004, PSU officials suggested Paterno step down after a dismal five-year stretch. Paterno told them to hit the bricks and ended up winning the Orange Bowl the next year. He’s Joe Paterno. He’s old, he’s loyal, he is Penn State football.

That all changed once the Jerry Sandusky scandal came full circle. Once it hit, Paterno’s coaching career was over. Paterno offered to step down at the end of the year. School officials didn’t want to wait that long and fired him immediately. Replacing a legend would have been tough enough. Replacing a legend at a tarnished program makes it nearly impossible. Despite the football team being clean, the shadows of Sandusky loom large. Recruits started backing out of their PSU commitments. Penn State wasn’t exactly a hot spot for the top college coaches to begin with. The team was always a contender in the Big Ten, but hasn’t been a national title contender for years. While Pennsylvania and its surrounding areas offer lots of football talent, five-star recruits from Texas and Florida preferred to go to school in the south rather than freeze in central PA. It wasn’t as if Nick Saban would have taken the job if available a year ago.

Penn State knew it had to be creative with its coaching search. They looked at several current PSU assistants, some established coaches with experience, and some current head coaches over their two month search. Getting Mike Munchak to leave the Tennessee Titans was far-fetched despite his ties to the school. In his first year, Munchak almost led his team to the playoffs. Not many NFL head coaches quit to coach in college. Also, Chris Petersen has turned down better opportunities to stay at Boise State, so it was somewhat unrealistic to think he’d come to Happy Valley. At the end of the search, Bill O’Brien was the man chosen to lead the Nittany Lions in the future.

Why do I think he is the luckiest man in sports? First off, if Joe Paterno would have retired scandal-free this year (completely possible as he was diagnosed with lung cancer shortly after his firing), Bill O’Brien would not have been the head coach. While I stressed it wasn’t the perfect job earlier, it wasn’t the worst job in the world either. The scandal did scare some candidates away. I don’t believe O’Brien would have ever gotten to the point where he won over the decision makers if Penn State wasn’t in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. Now, O’Brien, with no head coaching experience, is coaching a Big Ten program and received quite a nice pay raise to do so. Also, there will no immediate pressure for O’Brien to win. Penn State needs to rebuild its image more than anything right now. It needs to wash the stink off of this scandal as soon as possible. O’Brien just needs to run a clean program, free of diddling kids in the shower. It won’t be the end of the world if Penn State wins four games next season. It’s more important for the program and the school to get back on track. I’m not saying the pressure won’t eventually be there. 3-9 won’t cut it in 2017, but right now, the key is to get everything back to normal. Plus, I am sure PSU did a very thorough background check on O’Brien. I am sure they knew how fast he was going when he got a speeding ticket in 1987. Even if he fails as a head coach, he can always be an assistant somewhere. Assistant coaches of Bill Belichick are always in demand. If he succeeds, we already know Penn State has no issue keeping a coach around for a long, long time.

Bill O’Brien went from a no name assistant to head coach of a storied college program in less than a year. Even though LaVar Arrington and Brandon Short do not approve (by the way, both these guys should shut the fuck up), the PSU school board is happy and O’Brien really can’t fail. Right place, right time.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

From Josh with Love - You're Attitude TeBlows

You’re Attitude TeBlows

Even though this is only my second guest blog I feel like I need to make a commitment. Given Boyd’s propensity to blog about sports I will not have another sports related guest blog. Actually, if my existing track record provides any insight into the timing of my additions to this website, you won’t see anything from me for the next 11 months. I want to talk about Tim Tebow. Actually, I don’t. I want to talk about people’s reactions to Tim Tebow and what I think it says about us. Here’s my general hypothesis: people hate themselves.

As someone who lives in Pittsburgh and likes to drink alcohol[1] I had the pleasure of experiencing the reaction to the Steelers’ overtime loss to Tebow on Sunday. My immediate reaction was “it is going to be amazing hearing what these yinzers have to say about this”. Being a sports town, every radio station on my Monday morning drive was discussing the debacle in Denver. Facebook was loaded, and I mean loaded with posts about the game[2] and they all weren’t limited to Steeler fans. There seemed to be an overwhelming sentiment that Tebow can go fuck himself.

I get that he may not have the most talent or that it was really surprising how well he played. But if you are actually angry at Tim Tebow, feel the need to criticize him, make jokes at his expense and don’t feel happy that he has defied the odds this season than you are a scumbag. By all accounts this dude is an amazing human being. However, I get that feeling. I feel the same way about most people who have a seemingly perfect life[3]. The reason for that is simple; I’m a jerk who hates himself and others.

So instead, we look up to and praise assholes. These same Steeler fans that talk shit on Tebow will admire Ben Roethlisberger. So people will choose to have a more positive reaction to someone who tries to finger blast 20 year olds in a bathroom against their will while Tebow is hand feeding African babies on his latest missionary trip. Ohhhh Tom Brady is so good, greatest ever, such a champion, etc. You know what else he’s good at? Dumping his third trimester preggo girlfriend for a supermodel and then leaving her to raise the kid without his influence. The inside scoop is he doesn’t even send birthday cards. Who else; Jordan[4], Tiger[5], Danica Patrick[6], Federer[7], JoePa[8]?

Now a Gallup poll recently did cite him as the 11^th most admired person. However, let’s take a quick look at those ahead of him: Obama (cop out answer), George Bush (no comment), Bill Clinton (if it was a “most creative use of cigar” poll maybe), Reverend Billy Graham (go fuck yourself), Warren Buffet (way to go out on a limb with richest, oldest, white guy), Newt Gingrich (e-mail divorces his cancer stricken wife), Donald Trump (dickheadishly telling people their fired on national television was his best business decision), Pope Benedict (legit), Bill Gates (middle aged rich white guy who ripped off now dead guys ideas), and Thomas Monson (thinks the Garden of Eden is in Jackson County Missouri). I’d say you can’t trust that poll.

So my point is this; let’s stop the hating and just feel good for a good person. The only way you can do that is stop hating ourselves or people we can’t relate to. There’s been a lot of discussion about resolutions. Mine is to stop being so negative. I guess it starts with liking Tebow. Anyone else care to join me? If not, I heard Tebow is giving out ham sandwiches. After all, God never said anything about hand jobs.[9]

           -Written by Josh

[1] If you live in Pittsburgh and are sober, I’d like to know when your last phlebotomy was.

[2] Incidentally, this makes me realize that I have very few friends who live outside of Pittsburgh, which in turn makes me incredibly sad.

[3] Or just those who wake up with 1. Clothes on 2. Knowing where they are and 3. Without a dick drawn in sharpie on their forehead

[4] Probably got his dad killed over gambling debt

[5] How did that work out?

[6] She should be Eight Belles euthanized every time she finishes 32^nd and then strips down to promote a domain name website. I mean seriously, godaddy? Cunt

[7] Hasn’t secret bank accounts taught us not to trust the Swiss?

[8] Gonna die soon

[9] Ok, I needed to take one cheap shot

Construction Ahead - But For How Long?

                  They say, "nothing is certain but death and taxes." Whoever they are, should add construction to that little quip. There is always construction. They're improving the roads, building new offices, fixing this and that. It never ends. I've been looking at the same construction signs, same construction trucks and the same construction traffic since I moved down to Virginia a year and a half ago. What's the deal?

                  Has anyone seen the time-lapse video from China? As if we shouldn't fear them already; there is a video of a Chinese firm called the Broad Group building an entire hotel in 15 days. That's right, 30 stories, 183,000 square feet. All built in 360 hours. They worked in shifts and never stopped until the job was done. Are you kidding me? I've seen PENN DOT take more than 15 days to fix a STOP sign. OK, that's an exaggeration. But an entire hotel building in half a month? That's crazy, and we should wake up and smell the won ton soup.

                  You saw the opening ceremonies of the Olympics right? That kind of control over a massive amount of people (troops) is hard to ignore. Not only can they put on a great show, they have groups that organize waves of construction workers to work non-stop for 15 days. Let me ask you this; do you think we could pull off something like that here in America? Do you think we could organize 3 shifts of hundreds of workers to complete a project in 15 days without stopping? No sick days, no vacation time, no weekends, no crying, no laziness, no bullshit. What do you think?

                I'd love to sit here and write to you that I do believe we could handle that. However, I'd be lying and you deserve better. I'll blog another time about how we have a false sense of entitlement and how this country is headed straight into the shitter. For now, let's sit back and enjoy this video. It shows you what's possible when we, as Humans, are all focused on one goal. The possibilities are endless when we put aside our petty differences and get to work, together!

               Can you imagine where our country could be if we focused our efforts and worked together? It's pretty crazy if you really think about it. It's a damn shame that politics and greed won't allow that to happen. So fuck it. I'll head down to Chinatown and erect my own building, if you know what I mean. Then I'll get some homeless bum to give me a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. And a bag of chips!

 Here is the video, check it out.    http://youtu.be/Hdpf-MQM9vY

                 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - It's Time to Step Up or Shut Up & Dip

It’s Time to Step Up or Shut Up & Dip

For my first post of 2012, I am going to talk about my New Year’s resolutions. I’ve already seen my friends get into the spirit. Stains has decided to call everyone “asshole” and avoid the gym in 2012. Henny has decided to call everyone “fuckos” and might even decide to grace us with his literary presence a little more often on his own blog. It seems every slap dick by my work has decided to join my gym, which is amusing since they will quit in two weeks and also frustrating since they are hogging up all the equipment I use. Anyway, as for me, I am either getting a new job or joining a rugby club, both if possible.

As for the new job, I am not gonna bore you with all the details as 94% of Americans hate their job (I am assuming pimps, cameramen in porn, and backup catchers make up the other 6%). I realize hearing people complain about their jobs is just like hearing people complain about their fantasy football teams: nobody besides you fucking cares. Long story short, I’m sick of everything associated with my job, and the only way I could be happier within my company is to transfer away from the region. I don’t want to do that; I finally memorized all the bar specials in the DC area. Faithful readers of HJFHS, if you know of anyone looking for someone with a management/marketing degree with sales and management experience, holla at your Boyd. You’re damn right I’m pimping myself out.

As for the rugby club, it’s been too long. Since I graduated college, I’ve played in two alumni rugby games and played one B side half, drunk (B side is the equivalent to a JV game). Other than that, I’ve competed in the following sports in a rec league or weekly among friends: kickball, dodgeball, volleyball, pickup basketball, flag football, and softball. While I’ve had fun with those sports, it’s not real serious. I miss the hard work and the effort needed to win your week’s game. I miss hitting someone. I miss the rugby chants and songs. I miss getting trucked by a runner and getting my bell rung (as weird as that seems.) Any nagging injuries I had in the past seem to have gone away. Plus, I live an area where there are about four men’s clubs within a 20 minute radius. It’s as if I am going out of my way not to play.

Would I be able to play today? No fucking way. I am in decent cardiovascular shape, but not where I would need to be for an 80 minute rugby game. I could improve my lifting schedule. The good thing is I am not completely out of shape and I have the time to get there. Competitive rugby starts in September. That’s almost nine months to get into playing shape. I’ve been there before. I can be there again. As much as I enjoy abusing all-you-can-drink ND football specials while seeing my friends mack bitches and tell me drunken stories of girls who squirt, I’m ready to give that all up to get back on the pitch and scrum down. If I come back, I’m prepared to give it 100%.

If I can do both, I’ll do both. Otherwise, I’ll take the new job and pursue my other bullshit sports. Or, I’ll play rugby and take the hatred of my job on the opposing team. Either way, it’s to change it up in 2012.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

New Year's Resolution - Is It Our Last?

               Happy New Year! It's 2012 now and from what people are saying, this will be our last year on Earth. If ever there was a year to really make your resolution count, this is it. Or is it? If we're all going to die in December, what's the point of doing anything? Or should we take this opportunity to do all the things we really wanted to do before we die? That decision is up to you. I put this Mayan calendar bullshit in the same boat as Y2K and the Rapture. You know what I do with that boat? Nothing. I don't care about anything in it so why bother? The point I want to make is; whether you believe the hype or not, use this New Year to make a positive change in your life.

                I hear a lot of people saying that if you want to make a change in your life you shouldn't have to use the New Year to spark your motivation. You should just do it, no matter what the date is. Well, you know what I have to say about that?

               Get off your high horse and join the rest of the world down here on the ground. We've been using the New Year to make resolutions since I can remember remembering things. And sometimes people just need that event to light a fire under their ass and make a change. So don't act like you're better than everyone else. A resolution worth making should take some serious consideration. It should be something that really changes your life for the better. And if it's that serious it needs a starting point. Why not use the New Year?

                The only problem you need to worry about is your New Year's Resolution turning into the new treadmill you bought last year. You know what I mean. It's nice and shiny when you first get it, it works out great for a couple weeks, then it gets covered with laundry and never used again. So I'll revisit this in February to keep you on track. Here is a little saying I use when it's appropriate and that time is now.

              "Anything worth doing is worth doing right." I can't remember where I first heard that. Maybe I came up with it? Either way, it makes sense. Take the resolution you made a couple days ago, write it down, post it up somewhere and make it happen. Whether it's as small as working out once a week, or as big as changing your career to something you love. If you want to do it, do it right! And make sure you see it all the way through. You're going to hate the feeling you have if you waste another year NOT doing what you said you were going to. Trust me. Especially if it's going to be your last. One of my smaller resolutions for 2012 is to show a little compassion when I get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from the bums behind the Taco Bell. I'll start by throwing in a bag of chips. Happy New Year!