You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Washington Nationals Can Suck My Dick

You Can’t Avoid Boyd

The Washington Nationals Can Suck My Dick

This year, the two beltway baseball teams, the Washington Nationals and the Baltimore Orioles, were two of the biggest surprises and made the playoffs. Washington DC hadn’t hosted a playoff game since 1933 (granted, they didn’t have team for 34 of those years) while Baltimore hadn’t hosted a game since 1997. Even though both teams were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, it was good to see both cities get swept up in the postseason. The joy was short term as corporate greed reared its ugly head.

As both teams played in the first round, they sold tickets for their next potential series, the League Championships. This is customary for all sports teams. If that team was eliminated in their current round, you would either get a full refund or your money goes towards your season ticket plan. However, the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles decided to charge a $6 non-refundable service charge on all of their playoff games, regardless if the game was played or not. The teams claim the fee helps offset the cost of printing and mailing these tickets.

The Nationals and the Orioles are not the only teams to adhere to this bullshit policy. There were five other contending teams who reserved the right of keeping these service charges as well. Most teams backed off this practice after 2002, when New York State Attorney General Eliot “I Heart the Whores” Spitzer fought the New York Yankees. The Yankees earned approximately $1.5 million in non-refundable service charges that year for games that were never played. Spitzer was able to get the team to give back 90% of those fees, allowing the team to keep the other 10%.

The reason why the Nationals specifically, and not the other six teams, can fellate me is three fold.

One, I purchased two tickets for Game 2 of the NLCS. The cheapest pair of tickets I could find came to about $160. I had no problem with that. The fact I am not getting back that $6 really chaps my ass. Who the hell are you, Washington Nationals, to deem yourself worthy of this fee? The capacity of Nationals Park for a playoff game (more standing room only tickets are sold than normal) is about 45,000. The Nationals were going to host four possible games in the series. If the stadium sold out each game and everyone bought two tickets (the maximum), the Nationals would make about $540,000 off of fee alone. That’s a pretty high amount considering the Nationals did nothing for this. There is no way printing and mailing tickets cost this much.

Second, I am still waiting for my refund. I bought my tickets two weeks ago. The Nationals were eliminated on October 12^th. Game 2 of the World Series is going to be played tonight and I don’t even have my refund from game 2 of the NLCS. According to the message boards, the Nationals are the only playoff team that hasn’t issued refunds yet. This includes the New York Yankees and the St. Louis Cardinals, teams that advanced to their respective LCS and were eliminated within the last week. One media outlet is reporting it may take up to six weeks to issue all the refunds. There is a lot more money at play with this than the $540,000 we talked about last paragraph. While they will refund this huge surplus, they’ll get be able to pocket the interest. We are talking about a six-figure interest dividend. Considering the extra money they made for hosting three playoff games and the extra fees/interest they “earned”, the Nationals can’t complain financially of their short trip to the postseason. I know they weren’t willing to shell out the extra money needed to keep the Metro open late, those cheap bastards. Living Social was willing to foot that bill, despite it never coming down to it. Such a grand gesture considering a majority of its fans takes the Metro to and from games.

Third, eight hours after their heartbreaking Game 5 loss to the Cardinals, a few National insiders got an email regarding the team’s pre-sale of World Series tickets. What an incredibly thoughtless kick to the balls for this tortured fan base. The Nationals were nine outs away from advancing, only to watch their bullpen choke away a three run lead over the final three innings. They were up two in the top of the 9^th, with their stud closer on the mound. One of baseball’s truly devastating collapses and the Nationals’ box office can’t even think to cancel the automatic emails set up to deliver to the fans the next day. I wonder what those fans felt like after seeing that email on Saturday morning. I sure they felt like they had woken up on Christmas morning, only to realize they were Jewish.

I wish the Nationals would nut up and do the right thing, but I know they won’t. If fans bail on them over this issue, they won’t care. Too many people are on the bandwagon right now that will replace them and they are blinded by foolish pride. We’ve seen this happen with the Washington Capitals before, back when there was a hockey league. The thoughts of Steven Strasburg pitching with a longer leash and Bryce Harper having a full season under his belt will excite Nats fans in 2013. However, all is not golden in DC. Their revered starting rotation shit the bed against the Cards (Supposed Cy Young Winner Gio Gonzalez struggled through ten innings in two starts). Their 2013 rotation will probably be without Edwin Jackson and they will have to depend on surprise playoff stud Ross Detwiler. In 2012, the Nationals were saved by their bullpen. Bullpens are always hit or miss, with no exact science to it. Who knows if they can pitch as well, if not better, next season. And while their lineup will have some money to spend, they might have some holes to deal with. If Adam LaRoche leaves, the team will need a first basemen or an outfielder (if Michael Morse replaces him).I wish the Nationals well going forward. I’d even wish them good luck if they gave me back my six fucking dollars some time before Halloween. If my Natitude offends any of you, you can fuck your dick.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Good, The Bad, and The Winehouse:2012 Baseball Edition

The Good, The Bad, and The Winehouse: 2012 Baseball Edition

I am back with the longest running theme in the history of HJ4HS. Let’s look at the 2012 MLB season as it wraps up tonight (possibly).

The Good: Last season brought us the drama of 162^nd game, where the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals stole wild card spots from the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves. In an attempt to keep the end of the season competitive, Commissioner Bud Selig added a second wild card spot this year to the playoff format. Both wild card teams will play in a do-or-die game, with the winner taking on the top seed. Selig wanted to emphasize the importance of winning your division instead of settling for the wild card. Selig couldn’t have imagined a scenario like this. Entering Wednesday, the only thing we know in the American League is the Detroit Tigers are the Central Division winners and we know the four other playoff teams (The Oakland A’s, the Texas Rangers, the New York Yankees, and the Baltimore Orioles). What we don’t know is the AL West and East champs, who has home field advantage, and who will be hosting the wild card game. The National League still needs to figure out the top seed. Wednesday night won’t be as exciting as last year, but it should still be entertaining.

The Bad: Selig’s idea was good, but his planning and execution was piss poor. He was able to squeeze in the second wild card just prior to the season, but had to change the venue format for the first round. The higher seed use to host the first, second, and fifth games of the series (2-2-1 format), but for this year only, Selig changed it to 2-3 format where the top seed host the last three games. This was needed in order to keep the Championship Series and the World Series on schedule and avoid nightmarish travelling scenarios. Now, there is a chance the Washington Nationals only host one playoff game if they get swept. Not a fair deal for a city who hasn’t hosted a playoff game since 1933. The format will revert back in 2013, but 2012 is a fucked up blip in the radar.

The Winehouse: The Boston Red Sox. They went 7-20 down the stretch last year, including a walk-off loss in Baltimore that cemented their place in the record book for biggest baseball collapse. They cleaned house, hiring a new General Manager (Ben Cherington) and a new manager (Bobby Valentine) with the hopes of a strong 2012. They were dead fucking wrong. The hope was Valentine, the talented but controversial manager, would be able to divert bad media attention away from the players, yet he instigated it by feuding with longtime Sox player Kevin Youkilis. From there, injuries and subpar pitching decimated this team. In August, upper managements decided to hit the reset button and dump their best offensive player, Adrian Gonzalez, in order to dump some horrendous contracts. Officially waving the white flag, the team went 7-19 in September and will finish at the bottom of AL East (They are guaranteed to finish ahead of only four teams in all of baseball, possibly six if things go their way tonight.) Valentine is rumored to be hitting the bricks once this trainwreck of a season ends.

The Good: The Atlanta Braves. They had the biggest September collapse for about an hour until the Red Sox finished their choke job. This year, they enjoyed Chipper Jones’ swan song by making the post season and erasing all the bad memories from 2011. They carefully managed their best pitching prospect, Kris Medlen, to start the year in the bullpen after coming off of Tommy John surgery and he has emerged as the ace of the team. The Braves have won the last 23 starts by Medlen and will be a dangerous team if they advance past the wild card round.

The Bad: While Kris Medlen had his workload carefully structured, Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg did not. He started the season with a 160-inning plan. While it appeared the Nats would be a contender and Strasburg would hit his number in September, there was no contingency plan. The team didn’t want to shut him down for a long period of time & mess with his preparation and they were pretty firm on his innings. Sure enough, Strasburg made his last start on September 7^th and has been riding the pine ever since. Many people are speculating the Nats were ahead of schedule in terms of their development. They figured 2013 would be their year, not 2012. Well, GM Mike Rizzo has balls shutting down his top pitcher. If they don’t win the World Series, I am sure the off-season will be spent questioning Rizzo’s decision.

The Good: Miguel Cabrera. He is one game away from winning the Triple Crown (leading your league in batting average, home runs, and runs batted in.) As of Wednesday, he was leading all three categories. There hasn’t been a Triple Crown winner since Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. It is quite the honor. Having said that, I still think Mike Trout is the MVP of the league. The numbers he put up as a 21-year-old are mindboggling. I realize Cabrera is going to the postseason and Trout is not argument can be made, but Trout played for a contender and his defense was redonkulous. Also, this is the lowest batting average, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage in three years. If this was like the NFL, I would give Cabrera the offensive player of the year award to reward his season.

The Winehouse: The Pittsburgh Pirates. They were the darlings of the summer, contending in August. And then their dream turned into a nightmare. Rather than get excited about a playoff spot in September, the battle cry became “.500 or better”. Instead, the Pirates played atrocious baseball down the stretch and wound up with their 20^th consecutive losing season. There’s always next year I guess.

The Good: R.A. Dickey and Adam Greenberg. Dickey came out of nowhere to be one of the best pitchers in baseball. His knuckleball allowed him to win 20 games (2^nd best in the NL), strike out 230 batters (best in the NL), and have a 2.73 ERA (2^nd best in the NL). He is a contender for the Cy Young award and just revealed he pitched most of the season with a torn abdominal muscle. As for Greenberg, he was hit in the head on the first pitch he ever saw in the majors in 2005. He suffered a concussion due to the beaning and sat out two years with related health issues. Since then, he’s been in and out of organized baseball, never making it to the big leagues. Film maker Matt Liston heard Greenberg’s story and started an online campaign called “One At-Bat”, trying to him another at-bat in the major leagues (Getting hit by a pitch doesn’t count as an official at-bat). The story received national attention and the Miami Marlins were happy to oblige. On Tuesday, Greenberg suited up with the team on a one-day contract (MLB approved this, per the situation) and got to pinch hit against R.A. Dickey. He struck out on three pitches, but he is now among the 17,000 people to get an at-bat in MLB history.

The Winehouse: The U.S. performance on Sunday in the Ryder Cup. God awful.

The Good: Baseball in the Beltway. The Nats and the Orioles are both going to play October baseball. The Nats were a preseason dark horse, but the O’s came out of left field (horrible pun intended). It is great news for a Baltimore fan base whose been waiting for a playoff team since 1997. Also, give it up to Teddy Roosevelt, who won his first President’s Race on Wednesday, after 534 consecutive losses.

The Bad: The potentially small window of opportunity for the Orioles. They were incredibly lucky this year (14 straight win in extra innings and a .763 winning percentage in one-run games, which hasn’t happened since 1890). They are bound for regression and play an incredibly competitive division. I don’t think the O’s fall off altogether, but a lot of things happened for them this year to get to where they are. We’ll see if luck stays in Charm City for another year.

The Winehouse: When the Washington Capitals made the playoffs after a long stretch of sucking, the fans showed their ignorance of the sport and became cocky assholes. I’ve seen it happen already this year with the Nats and think it will only get worse the further they advance. Bryce Harper is good but he isn’t a god. The starting pitching is good, but loses a huge advantage with Strasburg being an overpriced cheerleader. The bullpen is looking a little sloppy down the stretch and some of the bats have cooled off with the weather. I’m not trying to rain on Washington’s parade, but I am trying to preemptively put an end to Natitude douchebaggery.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

 

From Josh with Love - One of Those Days

From Josh with Love

We live in a world of “processing”. On any given day, I process thousands of pieces of information, respond to it (both consciously and subconsciously) and move on to the next moment of stimulation. I would estimate that 95% of these instances pass without one extra second of thought, a fleeting moment in the 18 hours or so that I am awake each day. I watch the news in the morning, the radio is on in the car, I read the newspaper, I have a smart phone and yet somehow most of this information fails to make any lasting impact on my day, let alone my life. However, there are times, when for some reason I actually think about what I just heard or saw and what it means. Sometimes, it changes my day. I hold out hope that one of these moments changes my life.

Today was one of those days. I read an article this morning regarding Army suicide rates ( www.npr.org/2012/09/27/161853675/army-seeks-to-curb-rising-tide-of-suicides). Now, any other day I’d say “well yeah, these people are at war, tormented, kill people and try to return home and live a normal life. No wonder they kill themselves at a faster rate than ‘normal’ people”. Not today.

Suicide is a curious thing. If you’ve ever dealt with it you know what I’m talking about. I believe it’s that way because it can’t be understood, even if you’ve ever thought about it yourself. It’s hard to imagine that there’s a point when a rationale being can decide that death is a better option than life. Think about that person, making that decision; that a viable solution to a problem would be to simply no longer live. I’ve dealt with suicide before. I didn’t understand why my friend couldn’t come and play when I was 9 because he hung himself in a closet. I saw my Dad, hospitalized in a burn unit at the time; discover his best friend had shot himself in the face over a messy divorce. These things stick with you. So, what’s my point?

My point is that while news outlets, facebook, happy hour discussions and water cooler banter is focused on NFL referees, who got kicked off dancing with the stars, whether Obama is a Muslim, bacon shortages and any other frivolous topic; there are young men and women sacrificing their lives to allow us to live our life. We know that, it’s not a secret. When I read this article, it made me realize they are sacrificing so much more; their sense of self. They are protecting our rights to live the life we want, with the freedoms we have, so we can play words with friends while taking a shit and some return home to that very same life and decide that they would rather be dead. That, I can’t understand. We owe so much more than we can imagine to our troops. I try to appreciate our servicemen and women but the phone calls to my veteran friends (including the owner of this blog) once a year isn’t enough. So stop today and think about what these men and women are doing for you and the sacrifice they make. Think about the ones that will get that phone call from a friend on Veterans day and then 6 months later be remembered on Memorial Day. I did that today and I think maybe this day means a little more than the others.

              -Written by Josh

 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hit the Bricks Sports, It's Time for Rock and Roll

Hit the Bricks Sports, It’s Time for Rock and Roll

I am not going to subject you to another post about the replacement refs. Since last week’s post, we’ve seen Bill Belichick try to grab a ref, Kyle Shanahan run down a ref, and the Green Bay Packers lose a game after a controversial ruling. On the bright side, there are rumblings this lockout may end as early as this week and Golden Tate has finally done something newsworthy since his collegiate days at Notre Dame. I know I can use a break from sports this week, so let’s talk about the cult classic “Airheads”.

“Airheads” is a 1994 comedy about a struggling rock band called “The Lone Rangers”, hoping to catch their big break by playing a song on the radio. When the opportunity to play their demo tape is denied, they hold the studio hostage with water guns (which looked like real guns). Hijinx ensues throughout this 90 minute film, ending with “The Lone Rangers” becoming loved, incarcerated, and famous all at the same time. “Airheads” is even dumber than my brief description. I am not going to say how awesome this movie is because, despite its rewatchability, it’s a piece of crap. However, this movie might have the best inadvertent ensemble cast of our generation.

I say inadvertent because none of the actors and actresses from “Airheads” was real famous beforehand. Let’s look at the cast:

-Brendan Fraser played Chazz, lead singer of “The Lone Rangers”. Before this movie, he played the frozen caveman in “Encino Man”. Since “Airheads”, he’s done a dickload of movies and is considered a movie star despite the fact I don’t own any of his movies on DVD, and I own a ridiculous amount of DVDs.

-Steve Buscemi played Rex, the guitarist. He was in “Reservoir Dogs” prior, but blew up after this movie. He has never been a leading man, but he’s a solid supporting actor. His true calling has been HBO television, where he received great reviews for his guest work on “The Sopranos” and has portrayed Nucky Thompson the last few years in “Boardwalk Empire”. He’s the acting equivalent of Scottie Pippen; you don’t want him running the show, but can take over at points when he isn’t being a great wing man.

-Adam Sandler played Pip, the drummer. This was Adam Sandler’s first major role in a movie. Prior to this, he was the silly guy on “Saturday Night Live” who sang about shoving shampoo bottles up your ass. Since then, he has made funny movies (“Billy Madison”, “Happy Gilmore” “The Waterboy”), serious movies (“Reign Over Me”, “Punch-Drunk Love”), and cinematic abortions (everything since 2010). Even his shitty movies do well at the box office. He is probably worth $1 billion dollars. God damn it. He does deliver the funniest line in the movie when he threatens to stab someone in the eye with his dick.

-Joe Mantegna played the DJ Ian the Shark. He was probably the most famous guy at the time this movie was made. Our generation knows him for his work on “Criminal Minds” and the actor whose name sounds like Joe Montana.

-Michael McKean played Milo, the uptight station manager, while Ernie Hudson played Sgt. O’Malley, the main cop. I lump them both together because they both were known for prior roles (McKean was in “Spinal Tap” and “Laverne & Shirley”, while Hudson was the black Ghostbuster), and both have been “That Guy” in several of your favorite movies or television shows. They will never play a major role, but they are tremendous in a smaller role. They’re like Steve Kerr; in the right group, they can perform beyond their abilities and accentuate the rest of the group.

-Chris Farley played Officer Wilson, O’Malley’s right hand man. He was early into his movie career and when he was in “Airheads”. Based on his SNL success, he hit it big with “Tommy Boy” in 1995 and became a top comedic movie star. He celebrated this by doing all the drugs in the world until his heart said no mas. Chris Farley was too beautiful for this world.

-Amy Locane played Chazz’s girlfriend. She never hit it big. In fact, the only thing she hit was some vehicle with her SUV in a 2010 accident. She was drunk (BAC of 0.268) when she crashed into another car, killing that driver and critically injuring the passenger. She will stand trial sometime this year for vehicular manslaughter. Hopefully, she has retained the new Speasy attorney.

-Michael Richards played Doug, a rigid station employee. He was a huge star at the time this movie was made, known for his role on “Seinfeld” as Kramer. Despite receiving critical acclaim for Kramer, he never did too much after the show and he never made it in movies. Any chance for a comeback ended in 2006 when he called some black hecklers the n-word and made some racially insensitive comments.

-David Arquette played Carter, a surfer station employee. He was part of the “Scream” movies. His role as a dumbass cop didn’t garner any Oscar consideration, but it led to him consensually fucking Courtney Cox to the point they were married for several years. You lucky bastard.

-Reg E. Cathey played Marcus, a black activist station employee. His racially motivated one-liners provided entertainment throughout the movie. He played Tommy Carcetti’s campaign manager in “The Wire”. This is my opportunity to state how “The Wire” was the greatest television drama of our time.

There you have it. A star studded cast. I didn’t even mention some of the other actors in this movie. Harold Ramis, Judd Nelson, Allen “Grandma’s Boy” Covert, Rob Zombie, Mike Judge (creator and voice of “Beavis and Butthead”) and “Stuttering” John Melendez all had small roles/cameos . No one is going to confuse “Airheads” with “Citizen Kane”, but it’s no “Freddy Got Fingered” either. Next time it is on and you have nothing else to do, take a seat and enjoy this 1-1/2 hour masterpiece.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Not Your Typical Boyd Football Post

Not Your Typical Boyd Football Post

On September 3^rd, 18-year old Jamie Kuntz, a freshman linebacker for the junior college North Dakota State College of Sciences, was kicked off the football team for conduct detrimental to the team. Coach Chuck Parsons said Kuntz had lied to him. Kuntz admitted to lying to Parsons, but says the real reason he was kicked off the team was for being gay.

Kuntz missed the first game of the season against Snow College due to a concussion. The team had him videotape the game in the press box. Kuntz decided to invite his 65-year old boyfriend, who lived near Snow College, to the box as well. That is not a typo, 65 years old. Towards the end of the 63-17 defeat, Kuntz and his boyfriend embraced in a kiss, a kiss that was more than a peck but less than a makeout. The kiss was caught by some of his teammates on the field and surprised many. Kuntz had kept his homosexuality a secret from mostly everyone, including his family. The coaching staff had heard what happened and Parsons asked Kuntz on the bus ride back home what had happened in the press box. Kuntz had told Parsons the person next to him was his grandfather. After the ride, Kuntz grabbed Parsons and admitted to the lie. Two days later, Kuntz was dismissed from the football team and he eventually withdrew from the school.

Coach Chuck Parsons was completely within his right to kick Kuntz off the team. In my many years of athletic experience, there is one universal rule I’ve observed: don’t lie to the coach. If you lie to your coach, you are basically signing your own death warrant if you get caught. Take it from someone who has lied to his football coach before and gotten caught. I knew my punishment could have ranged from verbal (“Don’t ever fucking do it again”) to the extreme (kicked off the team, while my teammates removed my clothing and tar and feathered me). Luckily, I was giving a verbal reprimand and that was that. Despite Kuntz’s claims that players have done far worse (underage drinking, fighting, etc.) and not been dismissed, Parsons acted within his rights.

Having said that, I think Parsons completely overreacted. Parsons could have disciplined Kuntz in a manner of ways, such as suspending him or having him perform extra conditioning. Kuntz had asked if there was any way he could receive an alternative punishment, Parsons responded he could not as it had become too big of a distraction. And this is where the controversy comes in.

We live in a society where we have yet to see a notable athlete come out of the closet while playing. Perhaps everyone in the NBA, NFL, NHL, or MLB is straight, but that is highly unlikely. Is America ready for gay athletes? I’d like to say we are, but it appears we are not. Case in point, the view of gay marriage in this country. It is still a hot button issue in this country. 44 states do not allow it. We can’t even agree as a country about two people of the same sex, who we wouldn’t know otherwise, getting married but we’d be ready for a NFL player to come out as the closet?

Jamie Kuntz said he kept his sexuality his secret because he didn’t think his teammates could handle it. Based on the jokes and comments they made regularly about gay people, he didn’t think they’d pull a 180 and fully accept his lifestyle. Once again, I’d like to think our society would be able to look past this, there has been no precedent ever set before. We have yet to see how people would deal with an outed teammate. I don’t blame Kuntz for his decision to lie to the coach in this particular instance. It’s just unfortunate that in 2012, people still need to lie about their sexuality. Until someone comes out publicly, we’ll continue to see people be secretive about their alternative lifestyles.

Unfortunately, that lie is what is going to keep this topic in the news for awhile. If Kuntz had been forthcoming from the beginning, I don’t see how he could have been dismissed from the team without there being a clear case of discrimination. Instead, the lie allows there to be enough reasonable doubt that this dismissal was warranted, regardless of the implied bigotry. The only person who will ever know if Jamie Kuntz was kicked off the NDSCS football team for being gay is Coach Chuck Parsons and I’ll doubt he’d ever admit it if that was the case.

Before you wonder when I became the voice of reason and a hypocrite, I realize that among my group of friends, we say some pretty offensive things. However, our over-the-top comments do not reflect our views on race and sexuality. Is it OK if we call someone in our group a faggot for no apparent reason? Absolutely not, but it does not indicate we are intolerant of gay people. I can safely say that among the people I call my good friends; there is not one person who would treat anyone differently due to their race, creed, gender, color, or sexual orientation.

Despite writing nearly 900 words on this serious matter, I can’t end without two observations. First, if Kuntz is pronounced like cunts, I laugh at the irony. That would be like a virgin being named Cindy Loosevag or a black guy being named Tyrone Whitecracker. Second, what the hell is an 18-year old doing with a 65-year old? Regardless of the gender, that’s disgusting. I don’t see how a teenager can be physically attracted to a senior citizen, without finances being involved. I know love doesn’t know an age, but with a 47 year difference, it can figure it out real quick. Absolutely sickening. Kuntz, do yourself a favor and find someone who was at least born after the Vietnam War.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Thoughts of an Idiot

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Thoughts of an Idiot

Rather than write a 1,000 words on one particular topic that none of you will read, I am going to write briefly about many topics today. Don’t worry, I have faith you won’t read this either.

God damn New York football Giants. First game of the season, coming out on primetime to defend your championship and you come out a little flat. You guys didn’t play bad, but you didn’t play well either. Victor Cruz had as many drops last night then he did all last season. On the bright side, the secondary, which was already shorthanded, suffered another injury when CB Michael Coe hurt his hammy late in the game. F word.

I guess the Dallas Cowboys weren’t joking around about beating the Giants’ ass. I know it’s one game, but Dallas looked good. Tony Romo was able to move around in the pocket and just avoid the Giants’ pass rush (reminding me of when Donovan McNabb use to do that shit all the time against the G-Men) and DeMarco Murray ran hard all game. Something named Kevin Ogletree caught two touchdowns and sent millions of fantasy players to their computers to frantically add him to their team.

How the hell does Dalton not rip out Brad Wesley’s throat at the end of Road House?!?!? Wesley is a ruthless piece of shit that had gone to great lengths to control the town. Oh yea, he also had your boy, Wade Garret, killed in some fucked-up game of “Heads or Tails”. As much as you want that sweet, sweet Dr. Elizabeth Clay ass, you got to finish the job sonnnnnnn. Luckily, the rest of the town showed up and used Wesley as a shooting target.

The NFL replacement refs did not do a bad job last night. Besides one miscall (calling clipping instead of block in the back) and a three-minute conference to discuss a no-call, I thought they called a good game. We’ll see on Sunday if this can work in the short term or if they’ll be as incompetent as they were in the pre-season. I still don’t understand how they could call a touchback when the Bills downed the Redskins at the 4-yard line.

Bud Selig must be feeling pretty good about himself. After witnessing last year’s last day of the regular season where the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals snuck into the playoffs, Selig added a second wild card team. As of this morning, 15 of the 30 teams are within five games of a playoff spot. Six of the eight divisions have at least two teams within five games of the top spot, including the AL East, where three teams (Yankees, Orioles, and Rays) are all amongst each other.

I wonder where Bobby Valentine is going to work next year. It definitely won’t be in Boston. He was supposed to right the ship. Instead, he accelerated the ship right into the iceberg. With the salary dump of Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, and Josh Beckett, it makes sense blow up the team and start from scratch. That includes the 62-year old ornery Valentine.

I can’t care how juvenile it is, there is nothing funnier than a hi-lo. You might call it table-topping, but it’s when someone kneels behind a person and someone else pushes that person over him. My friends call it the hi-lo and we can’t enough of it. We’ve done it in parking lots, we’ve done it in bars, and we’ve even did it at a wedding. It works best when you can get a lady to push, since no one ever expects them be that childish. A hi-lo has twice resulted in a sucker punch being thrown. I received both of those sucker punches.

The only reason people enjoy college football so much is that it’s a legitimate reason to black out during the day. Outside of St. Patrick’s Day and Fourth of July, you can’t do it unless you’re a full blown alcoholic (or my roommate White Powers). Luckily, there is a loophole that allows fans of college football to drink bourbon before noon and allows them as many trips to the ice luge that they can handle.

Speaking of abusive alcoholism, we are six months and ten days away from my favorite holiday of the year, Scranton Parade Day. Scranton opens their bars at 9 am on the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day for a boozefest of a day. They even have a parade, but they won’t just let anyone participate in it. Trust me, I’ve tried. It’s the only day of the year I can wear my kilt with pride. Next year will be special as this will be Henny’s unofficial 30^th birthday celebration. If you’ve never been, do yourself a favor and hit it up. Take it from a man heading up there for an eighth straight year, good times sonnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Why the hell is there a book about the raid to kill Osama Bin Laden? I could easily write an entire post about this but I’ll sum it as briefly as possible. You don’t join the Navy SEAL’s to brag about your exploits. You do it to serve your country and be an anonymous as possible. I’m a guy who likes to know everything behind the scenes, but this is a little much.

Remember when Josh wrote on here? That was fun.

Jessica Simpson keeps getting fatter and Will Van Housen is nowhere around to write about it.

Seriously, did Pat have these guys whacked before he launches the website upon us?

Andy Roddick played his last tennis match of his career yesterday. I’d feel bad for him that his career never reached his potential, but he gets to go home and fuck Brooklyn Decker. I now hate him.

Former Baltimore Ravens owner Art Modell died this morning. I won’t say anything bad about him. I’ll let all the Cleveland Brown fans do that for me.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - 2012 NFC Preview

You Can't Avoid Boyd

2012 NFC Preview

Last week, I gave you my picks for the AFC. This week, I hit up the NFC and make my Super Bowl prediction. Let’s get right into it.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles. Last year, they were the favorites and even called themselves “The Dream Team”. Well, that dream turned into a nightmare. QB Michael Vick couldn’t stay healthy, WR Desean Jackson let a holdout affect his play (he even admitted he didn’t give it his all in 2011…..what a stand up guy), and CB Nnamdi Asomugha struggled in a new defensive system. The biggest chink in Philly’s armor last season was letting former OL coach, Juan Castillo, coach the defense. The defense struggled early and Castillo dealt with rumors that he’d be canned. Head coach Andy Reid stuck with him and it paid off nicely as the defense rebounded towards the end of the season. The 2012 defense should be better early on, already familiar with Castillo’s system, and the addition of LB Demeco Ryans shouldn’t hurt. I believe last year’s disappointment will fuel this year’s squad.

*New York Giants. My prediction looked stupid when they won Super Bowl XLVI and I celebrated when I showed up to a job interview Monday morning smelling of success and whiskey. However, if not for WR Victor Cruz turning a 10-yard reception into a 99-yard touchdown in a key Week 16 victory over the Jets, I may have been spot on. The Giants became the typical “hot team” that rides their streak to a championship. Can they do it again? Absolutely. Will they? We shall see. They will only go as far as their defensive line and QB Eli Manning will take them.

Dallas Cowboys. As last season’s collapse down the stretch, the Cowboys addressed their biggest weakness by signing CB Brandon Carr and drafting CB Morris Claiborne. They are hoping WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten can recover from preseason injuries and WR Dez Bryant’s babysitters do their job. If those three can play up to expectations, this team is completely in the hands of QB Tony Romo and head coach Jason Garrett. I think those hands are as dependable as Romo holding onto a 2007 field goal snap in Seattle (www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVuQ5aw0HAQ).

Washington Redskins. I’d like to point out I believe this division is the only one where each team can win it. Not that I give the Skins much of a chance, but I can’t give say that about any other division. This team gave up a lot of draft picks to get Robert Griffin III, but it was a move they had to make. You need a top QB to win in this league unless you are completely dominant in another facet (rushing or defense) of the game. The Redskins don’t dominate in either and were hoping guys like Rex Grossman or John Beck can get it done. They couldn’t and that’s why DC’s future is tied to RGIII. He should excite in his rookie year, but I wouldn’t expect a Cam Newton-type of season. On the bright side, they can still have a winning record in the division because this team has a knack for showing up in divisional games, only to lose to non-divisional slapdick teams.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers. This team relied on its track-like offense and sieve of a defense all of last year. It might explain why they lost their only playoff game to the Giants, a team who could play defense, in frigid conditions. While Green Bay attempts to fix their defense, their offense should be as powerful as ever. While this gets fantasy football owners wet in their panties, it should also allow the Pack to top the division once again.

Chicago Bears. QB Jay Cutler gets his favorite target back, WR Brandon Marshall, back. If Marshall doesn’t go crazy this year, this could be a pretty sweet combo. If Marshall does go crazy, we might see the sourest of sourpuss faces on Cutler. This team finally canned OC Mike Martz and replaced him with Mike Tice. That is like replacing herpes with dumber herpes. This team needs its defense to step up in order to make the playoffs, and LB Brian Urlacher is already hurt and still has the stink of Jenny McCarthy on him. Not a good sign for their indispensable leader.

Detroit Lions. The Lions made the playoffs last year due to QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson tearing shit up. It also got 16 starts out of Stafford, which seemed to be impossible based on his career thus far. If it can get another 16 starts from Stafford in 2012, they may make the playoffs. I don’t think he’ll start every game. Despite Megatron’s ridiculousness, it’ll be hard for the Lions to make the playoffs again with no running game and a roster full of Correctional Facility All-Stars and cheap shot punks.

Minnesota Vikings. Their quarterback, Christian Ponder, blows. Their stud running back, Adrian Peterson, is attempting to play this year after tearing his ACL/MCL on a vicious hit 9 months ago. Their stud wide receiver, Percy Harvin, has more headaches than a middle-aged housewife just before her husband tries to plow her. Their defense is mehhhh. Other than that, they are a great team. On the bright side, Prince is from Minnesota.

AFC South

Atlanta Falcons. Conventional wisdom says it won’t be the Saints as no team has repeated as champs since its inception in 2002. Superstition aside, I think the Falcons will win it. Matt Ryan has an aerial attack that would make most quarterbacks jealous (WRs Roddy White and Julio Jones, TE Tony Gonzalez) and a good, young defense. It remains to been seen if Ryan can make the jump from good to great, but with a steady rushing attack behind him, he should have what it takes to top the South.

*New Orleans Saints. They seemed to have a very quiet offseason. Between Bountygate and QB Drew Brees’ contract negotiations, I am sure the Saints are glad football has started back up again. Sean Peyton is not allowed any near the team this year, but the offense should not suffer. They have had the same system in place for years and most of the personnel returns. If there is one player that stands out on this eventual playoff team, it’s OG Jahri Evans. He should win MVP. If you think that’s the Bloomsburg bias talking, then write your own god damn football preview. Please note: This prediction is null and void if God takes out NOLA with Hurricane Isaac.

Carolina Panthers. This team will be fun to watch, thanks to QB Cam Newton. It’ll be competitive, but it’s hard to imagine a finish higher than third in this tough division. They seem to have 93 running backs on their roster, but their offensive line is below average. Their defense, once a strength, is now a weakness. Newton was a revelation last year, but he needs to improve on his second half numbers in order for this team to overachieve.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Many expected this team to breakout last year. Unfortunately, QB Josh Freeman, RB LeGarrette Blount, and WR Mike Williams all regressed in their second year and everybody’s favorite sleeper pooped the bed. They replaced head coach Raheem Morris with disciplinarian Greg Schiano. It speaks volumes that the team had to settle on Schiano, coach of the powerhouse known as Rutgers University, after Oregon’s Chip Kelly turned down the job so he could coach the Ducks and their 9,238 uniform combinations. On the bright side, they had the feel good story of the off-season when they signed Eric LeGrand, a former Rutgers player who was paralyzed in 2010, to their 90-man roster.

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers. I don’t think there is any way this team wins 13 games again. However, they should still win the West as the rest of the teams aren’t exactly Super Bowl contenders. The 49ers brought in WRs Randy Moss and Mario Manningham to open up the passing. Manningham should help, but take it as a Giants fan who saw him play for a few years, he will make some plays that are ridiculous, but he will also run bad routes and drop some passes. Moss is a wild card. We haven’t seen him since 2010, when he played for three different teams. We’ll see if QB Alex Smith can bring out the best in him and vice versa, but if not, they can still run the ball and D it up.

Seattle Seahawks. I applaud Pete Carroll. Even though his team dropped some good cash on QB Matt Flynn, they went with rookie QB Russell Wilson as the Week 1 starter. The best man should play, regardless of financial obligations. With Marshawn Lynch going all Beast Mode (if he avoids a suspension for a DUI) and a solid defense, this team could make a run at the 49ers if anything goes right. I see a QB controversy in Seattle’s future, which leads me to believe second place is their ceiling.

Arizona Cardinals. WR Larry Fitzgerald is a stud. However, QBs John Skelton and Kevin Kolb are muff cabbage. I don’t even think they’d start in the Sunday backyard football game I play in. Their running game is sporadic and their offense line suffered a huge blow when OT Levi Brown tore his tricep. I want Notre Dame WR Michael Floyd to step in and be a difference maker, but all indications out of training camp is he looks horrific. Until the figure out the QB position though, this team blows dogs for quarters.

St. Louis Rams. You didn’t deserve this Steven Jackson. The Cowboys could have drafted you in 2004 and you would have been the running back for America’s Team. Instead, they trade down, you play for the Rams and you dominate on a shitty team. New head coach Jeff Fischer should inject some new life into this team and hopefully resurrect QB Sam Bradford, but this team shouldn’t do much. The fact that it can finish second in this division indicates how bad the West is. On the bright side, they have no defensive coordinator after Gregg Williams was suspended indefinitely for Bountygate.

Coaches That’ll Hit the Bricks

Jason Garrett- I can’t see Jerry Jones sticking with him if they don’t make the playoffs. Especially with big name coaches like Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher available.

Ken Whisenhunt- It seems like decades ago when the Cardinals were two minutes away from winning the Super Bowl

Boyd’s Super Awesome Super Bowl Prediction

New England Patriots over Green Bay Packers

-Written by Marcus Boyd