You Can't Avoid Boyd - No Smiles in Happy Valley

No Smiles in Happy Valley

On Monday, the NCAA dropped the hammer on Penn State University for their cover-up of the Jerry Sandusky scandal. The punishment: a $60 million fine (the average annual income the football team brings in), no postseason play for four years, a reduction of scholarships, four years of probation, and all of Penn State’s football wins from 1998 to 2012 were vacated. The Big Ten decided to join the party by denying Penn State from their conference championship for four years and also denying the school any bowl money for that period. The estimated $13 million will be given to charities fighting and preventing the sexual abuse of children. The punishment was unprecedented, severe, and justified.

I know Henny read that last line and wondered “What the fuck Boyd”. Pat and I were going back and forth, arguing if the present team should be punished for the actions of an older administration. He was all for it, and I was against it. However, the more I thought about, the more I agreed; the cover-up is what really fucked Penn State by the NCAA. The cover-up is usually more damning than the crime in most instances. Not in this case, but both were pretty horrific. It showed an overall lack of institutional control. Let’s address some questions regarding the fallout of this.

Why didn’t the NCAA punish PSU with the death penalty? The NCAA death penalty is the temporary suspension of a sport for up to two years. Apparently, it was considered, but NCAA president Mark Emmert said it would punish many innocent people who had nothing to do with this scandal. Many businesses in Happy Valley thrive due to the football team. Without football, these businesses would go under.

Why did Penn State sign off on such penalties? Penn State had the option to appeal their punishment. They held off for two reasons. First, Emmert was rumored to have told PSU president Rodney Erickson the death penalty was still in the mix. Second, Emmert based his decision on the Freeh report, an investigation conducted by former FBI director Louis Freeh. Since the Freeh report was sanctioned by Penn State, it allowed the NCAA to use that information rather than conduct its own investigation. It also allowed the NCAA to speed up the process, which is usually excruciating long. It would be tough for the school to appeal its own findings.

Is this punishment the equivalent of the September 11^th attacks? Absolutely not, but it is according to PSU alum Tom Price (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/tom-price-penn-state-sanctions-september-11_n_1699775.html). While I can understand that some PSU fans are not taking the recent news well, the fact this fucktard would compare it to the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil just boggles my mind.

Why did Joe Paterno lose all of his wins from the last 15 years? The short answer is because he’s a piece of shit. Paterno and the school were disciplined that far back because that was the first documented year that the team’s top officials were in the loop about Sandusky. Many people may argue the team didn’t gain a competitive advantage, as was the case when Reggie Bush of USC was getting paid to play on Saturdays, and that PSU still won those games. However, they did have a competitive advantage, Joe Paterno. All early indications seem to point that Joe Paterno knew more than he was letting on about the investigations. He was obstructing justice. He shouldn’t have been on the sidelines all those years; he should have been subject to criminal punishment. Thus, that old guy with the thick glasses who probably reeked of Werthers Originals was a diabolical piece of shit.

Can you recover any lost bets from 1998-2012 on Penn State football games? I sure hope so.

What about the players? The players will be fine. They can still play football, but their season will end after 12 regular season games. The only way they’ll go to Pasadena on January 1^st is if they buy a plane ticket. If they wanted to compete for a national championship, they probably should not have committed to PSU in the first place. However, they are allowed to transfer this year to any Division I school and be eligible to play immediately. In the past, you would have had to sit out a year.

Is Joe Paterno lucky that he died late in 2011? In a sense, yes. Not that anyone wished him dead, but he was already under heavy scrutiny after he was fired in November 2011. What would have happened when the Freeh report came out and acknowledged that Joe Paterno ran not just his football team, but the whole school? Or when the school finally decided to take down his statue outside the stadium on Sunday? It appeared his legacy of success with honor was something he bestowed on his players, but never bestowed upon himself. History tends to be kinder on the deceased. Boyd does not. He’s still a piece of shit.

Fans and people in the sports media can complain all they want on how crippling these penalties are for football program, but let’s not forget the victims in this ordeal. They had to live their whole lives with this and it’s not as if they are released of this anguish just because Jerry Sandusky was found guilty at trial. The fact that the Nittany Lions won’t compete for the Big Ten championship is no consolation at all. What this punishment does is show the NCAA is dead serious on not letting universities turn a blind eye to such heinous crimes. Penn State kept this quiet in order to save their reputation. It’s pretty ironic that their reputation would suffer tenfold due to their silence in this case.

Penn State needs to focus on its future. The actions of the guilty few shouldn’t discredit everything the school has done. You can’t sweep the scandal under the rug and hope everyone forgets about it. What they can do is take the necessary steps to build a better tomorrow. It’s a tragedy this occurred in the first place. It would be an even bigger tragedy if we, as a people, ever allow this to happen again

             -Written by Marcus Boyd

Land of the Free?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

     Recognize that quote? If you don't, someone in your life has failed you. That quote begins the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence. The document that laid the foundation our Country was built on. If you haven't read it before, please do yourself a favor and check it out. That quote up there is very powerful. I'd like to break it down a bit so you completely understand the weight it holds.

    "We hold these truths to be self-evident." Self-evident is defined as something known to be true without proof or reasoning. Meaning, the truths they speak of cannot be questioned. They are known to be true and disputing them is not an option. In other words, make sure you read the next couple lines carefully because they are undeniable.

    "All men are created equal." I'm not sure I have to define this one. Everyone is created equal, nobody is above anybody else. We are all entitled to the same rights and privileges.

   "That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights." Endowed by their Creator. Because this country was founded on FREEDOM, it was not written endowed by God. They had the foresight to word it in a way that would allow religious freedom to prevail. Whoever your Creator may be, you were endowed with these unalienable Rights. Unalienable or inalienable, they are interchangeable, means incapable of being surrendered or transferred. The Rights you were endowed with cannot, in any sense, be taken away from you. They are iron-clad Rights and will be defended by the Country in which you live.

   "That among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Among these Rights you have been endowed are Life, which is pretty obvious. Liberty, the quality or state of being FREE. The pursuit of Happiness, grants you the Right to employ measures to obtain Happiness. Whatever that happiness may be.

        This is only the first line of the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence. I want you to go back and read it again. Now that it has been broken down I hope it sinks in more. Everyone has the same rights as Americans and nobody can take them away. There are a few organizations out there that don't think so. They presume the Rights of Americans are not as important as their own beliefs.

        The organizations I'm talking about include; Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrel and BSA (Boy Scouts of America) among others I'm sure. These organizations have taken a public stand against gay Rights. Chick-Fil-A's president stated that they are a family business, they believe in the biblical definition of marriage and are married to their first wives. They don't support gay Rights and have taken a stand. Cracker Barrel has made a similar stand by not employing anyone suspected of being gay because they too are a family run business. The BSA have made public statements against gay Rights and ousted gay den leaders from their organization.

        Gay Rights is one of the hottest topics today and for good reason. I completely support gay Rights and I'll tell you why. I'm an American and I believe what was written in the Declaration of Independence to be true. Every one of us is entitled to the pursuit of Happiness. If that means you want to be with someone of the same sex then so be it. Whatever makes you happy. It's your Right as an American and I'll defend that till the day I die.

       I'm not gay myself, but I have some people close to me that are gay. I love them the same way I do anybody else. They aren't different or weird or dangerous. They're human beings for Christ's sake. I've served in the military with some of the best gay soldiers there are. I knew they had my back and I had theirs without question. It didn't matter that they were gay. They were soldiers. Your sexual orientation is not what makes you who you are. Some of the greatest people in history were gay. Some of the worst people in history were straight. It's because their sexual orientation had nothing to do with it. Who you choose to sleep with is not who you are!

      History repeats itself right? Remember when black people didn't have Rights? Remember when women didn't have Rights? We finally realized how ignorant it was for a Country built on Freedom to deny it's own people of the Rights we fought so hard for. History is repeating itself. I wish we could learn from our mistakes.

      I could go on for hours about how mad this whole situation makes me but I won't do that to you. I'm pretty sure you get my point. However, let me explain why these three organizations really got under my skin.

     As an Economist (well I have an Economics degree anyway) I can't understand what they were thinking. Chick-Fil-A and Cracker Barrel are consumer driven businesses. They can be family run all they want but they can't deny the fact that they are consumer driven. They sell food to the public. It only makes sense that you'd want to sell as much food as you can to as many people as possible. When you come out and make a completely ignorant comment against gay Rights you successfully alienate a group of would-be consumers. It's not just gay people that will turn away from these food establishments. Anyone that supports gay Rights, if they truly support them, will go somewhere else for their chicken and biscuits. These two companies have done the exact opposite of what they pay their marketing departments to do. And they did it by being ignorant, bigoted, self-righteous hillbillies.

    The BSA comprised a secret committee that ruled to uphold their ban on gays in the organization. They are supposed to be shaping the youth of America and teaching values we can be proud of. Intolerance? Is that something you want your kid to be force fed? That's what this whole debate is about. People's inability to tolerate a gay individual. I can guarantee the top leaders of this organization have gay family members. Maybe they aren't open about it but they're there. If you want to teach the kids of America life lessons and values, how about acceptance? How about treating others as you wish to be treated? Isn't that the Golden Rule? I'm pretty sure nobody wants to be treated the way gay people in this country are treated. As outcasts with some kind of contagious disease that makes you want to dance and have water fights. Or whatever they think. I don't know for sure. Maybe it's because I'm down to Earth and sensible.

     The main point is this; the United States of America as a whole is losing grasp on our roots. We're losing sight of what made us who we are. Freedom. Each and every one of us is entitled to it. No one organization can take that away or deny it. Intolerance is what made us stand up and fight over 200 years ago. Now we've become the intolerant ones. What happened? These are Americans I'm talking about here. I don't want to get into a discussion about illegal immigrants but they have more rights than gay Americans. How much sense does that make? NONE! Again, I could go on for pages about this. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. We're losing our way and need to get back on the track laid down for us by the great men that started this Country! Until then, to show my support of gay Rights, I'll go behind the nearest Chick-Fil-A and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of their gay employees. I know they're in there.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Rest in Peace Linsanity

Rest in Peace Linsanity

On Tuesday night, the New York Knicks decided not to match the Houston Rockets’ 3-year, $25 million contract offer to Jeremy Lin, allowing the restricted free agent to head deep into the heart of Texas. Was it sound business strategy? Was it another fuckup from Knicks owner James Dolan? Is Houston going to regret this contract? Are Rockets fans ready for yet another Asian basketball player? Will Boyd stop asking questions? As the sports contributor to HJFHS and a Knicks fan, I believe the team made the right move.

I was a huge fan of the Jeremy Lin era in NYC, all 25 games of it. I even wrote about it (http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2012/02/you-cant-avoid-boyd-insert-generic.html) during its apex. He rejuvenated a franchise that needed excitement. It was the best I felt as a Knicks fan in years. An injury derailed the rest of his season and we never knew how far Lin could have carried the Knicks. Well, I knew. We might have taken the Heat to six or seven games before bowing out to them in the first round. No one can deny what he did last season when he played, but let’s explore why the Knicks made the right move in letting Lin go.

The contract was insane for New York to match. Lin is making $5 million this year, $5 million next year, and $15 million in the last year of the deal. Due to the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) and the Gilbert Arenas provision, the Rockets’ salary cap will be hit with the average of the deal over the next three seasons (approximately $8.3 million). If the Knicks had matched the offer, the Knicks’ salary cap would be hit with the actual amount of each year, and Lin would cost the Knicks $15 million in 2014, plus luxury taxes the team would be hit with. This is what people in the industry would call a poison pill.

The Rockets weren’t stupid when they made their offer. They didn’t inadvertently stumble on these figures. They knew the Knicks would be paying the luxury tax in 2014 since they have Carmelo Anthony, Amare Stoudemire, and Tyson Chandler all under contract for big money. They knew Lin would actually cost the Knicks around $30 million in 2014 after luxury taxes. $30 million is a lot of invest for the enigma that is Jeremy Lin. Will Lin continue his torrid pace and become an elite NBA player? Is Lin a flash in the pan and justify why he wasn’t drafted and bounced around the league for a few years? Time will tell, but the Knicks didn’t think it was worth the gamble.

The Knicks are Carmelo Anthony’s team. You can’t argue that. You may disagree that Anthony and his ball chucking skills shouldn’t be the face of the Knicks, but it was built that way. Every team has an alpha dog and Carmelo is the Knicks. We saw what happened in Miami when LeBron James and Dwyane Wade tried to share the spot. The team struggled in big moments until Wade deferred to the King and Miami won it all this year. You can only have one alpha dog and the rest of the team needs to compliment him. Lin and Anthony never had good chemistry. Sure, Lin made everyone else better, but Carmelo Anthony is the sword the Knicks are going to live and die by.

Intangibles. While mulling whether to retain Jeremy Lin, the Knicks reacquired Raymond Felton. He was a much cheaper option, but one can argue how much of a drop off there is between the two. Some say Felton is better than Lin, while others say Felton is eating himself out of the league. Felton played great in his first stint with the Knicks. Who knows if Felton can play as well the second time around, but the Knicks are paying less to a more consistent player who will not turn the ball over as much as Lin. Second, word on the street is many on the team were put off when Lin didn’t dress for Game 5 of the 2012 playoffs. He claimed he was only “85 percent” at the time. Many in the media argued 85 percent was healthier than some of the guys who actually played in that game (including Amare “TKO” Stoudemire) and began to question Lin’s heart.

The Knicks didn’t need Linsanity as much as people made it out to be. When Jeremy was Linning in Gotham, his jersey sales went through the roof, the team saw more national exposure, and Knicks tickets exploded on the secondary market. Jersey sales are shared among all the NBA teams, so the sale of any future Lin jerseys will still be distributed round the league. The Knicks are already exposed nationally. They get more than their fair share of televised games on ABC, ESPN, and TNT. Also, the Knicks always sell out their games. The secondary market doesn’t affect them; it affects the original ticket owners who profited off of the hype. While Dolan and the rest of the Madison Square Garden stockholders saw Jeremy Lin affect stock prices accordingly, Dolan knows how to get the stock on the rise.

The Knicks need to start winning more games. Nothing else matters in New York than winning. Dolan needs to continue tinkering with the team until it becomes a steady contender. Lin could have been a part of the solution, but Dolan and associates believed the cost was too much. They couldn’t justify spending approximately $40 million based on a career of 25 starts, no matter how much exhilaration it brought to the Garden. Lin could have opened other revenue options with his popularity, but the team determined it was worth letting Lin walk.

I don’t blame Lin for taking the money. He is going to make He certainly didn’t owe the Knicks anything and vice versa. The team couldn’t have offered him much due to the CBA. As a fan, I didn’t want to see Lin leave, but I realize there is a business side to the sports world. I understand that money talks and bullshit walks and most athletes will never turn down a bigger paycheck. I am not the biggest James Dolan fan, but I think he made the right move here. He’s not pinching pennies as he’ll still be still paying a hefty luxury tax in 2014, but he figured he’ll spend it the way he wants to spend it.

             -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The All-Cunts Edition

The All-Cunts Edition

I wanted to write about the Pittsburgh Pirates today, but didn’t for two reasons. 1) Everyone and their moms is writing about them and their unexpected first half, where they are leading their division at the All-Star break for the first time since 1997. I didn’t want to hop on the bandwagon. 2) I see this as a mirage. They may end their 19-year streak of losing records, but I don’t see them making the playoffs. This looks like "Mikey I" in AC all over again. Instead of making the playoffs or getting with the girl, they won’t make the postseason/cockblocked by her imaginary parents. Warning: This post will be raunchy. I’m talking Andrew Dice Clay nursery rhymes raunchy. If you don’t want to go to Raunchyville this week, come back next week when I return to Silly Town.

Instead, I am going to focus on your main complaint about me, not enough use of the word “cunt”. At least two readers want me to drop the c-word more. You have a fever, HJFHS faithful, and the only prescription is more cunt. Allow me to vent about the following cunts and how they grind my gears.

To everyone trying to prevent me from attending/watching the Notre Dame vs. Navy game in Ireland on September 1^st. I could blame all the international airlines for making their ticket prices so high, but I will not. It’s capitalism at its finest. I can blame the friend who had his bachelor party in Ireland this past spring, rendering a second trip to the Emerald Isle impossible. Who has a bachelor party overseas?!? Do what everyone else does and go to Vegas. Gamble, booze, and kill some hookers with your best buds in America, like everyone else. Adding to this shitstorm is another friend who is moving up her wedding six weeks because she couldn’t keep the dick out of her and got knocked up. I am now subjected to a Labor Day shotgun wedding. It might be pretty selfish of me calling these people cunts as they enter into marriage, but as a Notre Dame fan, the first game of the season will be the best I feel all season. It’s the only time where they have a legitimate chance for the championship.

To all of the Kansas City Royals fans who booed Robinson Cano at the Home Run Derby. Shut the fuck up, you whiny cunts. Boohoo, Cano didn’t pick your hometown boy, Billy Butler, to participate. Who should he have left off the roster? The other three of his selections all advanced into the second round and Cano had to participate as the captain. His most controversial selection, Prince Fielder, ended up winning the whole thing. It was real classy to heckle Cano’s mother at the event. Real classy. Also, Billy Butler sucks. Every year, we are awaiting his ascent into greatness and every year, we are disappointed when he stalls. He is a worthy All-Star under the current format, but he shouldn’t have been swinging a bat on Monday night. Why didn’t you boo KC management when former Royal Melky Cabrera took home the All-Star MVP on Tuesday? That’s right, because you support a team who blows dogs for quarters and a general manager who would rather have Jonathan Sanchez and his 6.75 ERA than Cabrera. Keep cheering cunts.

To the customer who wasted my entire day on Tuesday. I won’t waste your time with elaborate details, because I know none of you give a shit about the pipe business. Long story short, a random customer from Texas, who was doing a project in Washington DC for some reason, was using my company in order to get better pricing and availability from his main supplier, a competitor of ours. When the competition couldn’t improve their quote, he begrudgingly went with us. He claimed he needed the $10,000 worth of material the next day, no matter what the cost. He also claimed his account in Texas could handle it as he was a top customer. He was wrong in both instances. His account was shit and he freaked out about the freight bill to expedite material (Shipping 300 pounds of material over 1,000 miles in less than 24 hours in not a cheap expense.) I spent eight hours of my work day on essentially nothing. On the bright side, I did get to talk to a lot of people with funny Texas accents. On the bad side, this customer was a huge cunt.

To the guy at the gym using three leg machines Tuesday night. After dealing with the Texas cunts, I just wanted to go hard on my legs at the gym. I use the gym as a stress release because I am a meathead and don’t feel like developing a White Powersesque drinking problem. Instead, this dude and his mom (if it was his girlfriend or wife, I weep for him) hogged three of the leg machines. If you want to hog three machines and do circuit training, go to the gym at 9 am when it is full of geriatrics, moms, and the unemployed. Don’t go at peak times, like 5 pm when everyone is leaving work. Since all the other leg equipment was being utilized, I was getting mad. He did allow me to work in, which was nice. The redemption was short when he stepped on my workout towel, out of pure cunty spite. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks cunts.

To Tony La Russa. In the off-season, R.A. Dickey wrote a book about his life and his battles with sexual abuse as a child and suicidal thoughts. He is a 37-year old journeyman who became a knuckleballer to prolong his career. His story alone makes him the fans’ choice to start the All-Star Game. And oh yea, he has been the best pitcher in baseball all season. On merit, he deserves the start as well. Instead, La Russa and his alcoholic tendencies decides to start Matt Cain because he doesn’t want to subject starting catcher Buster Posey to the knuckleball. Matt Cain was worthy, but he is also regarded as one of the best pitchers in the game at age 27. He will have plenty of opportunities in his career to start the All-Star Game. R.A. Dickey may never get that shot, based on the unpredictable nature of the knuckleball. In hindsight, it’s all moot as the National League still won the game. In Boydsight, La Russa is a La Cunt.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Politics - What Is It Good For?

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

            Ain't that the truth! You might remember that line from the movie Men in Black. Tommy Lee Jones couldn't have said it better. A person is smart, can make rational decisions, evaluates a situation and is generally responsible. People are very dumb; they overreact, don't evaluate situations, and allow themselves to have the wool pulled over their eyes with ease. I don't want make this a political blog but this is getting out of control. Don't worry, I'm not going to break down the health care bill or the ruling that was made. I'll leave that for another time after the election when it actually matters. I want to discuss the current attack ads and the general mood of the (dumb, panicky, dangerous animals) people.

           The most recent political news covered President Barack Obama doing the working-class thing. He was at a bar, his shirt was unbuttoned, he was drinking a Miller Lite and acting like a regular Joe. It went on to say how "in touch" President Obama was with the working-class. He understands what we are going through because he can unbutton his shirt and drink a beer. What? Let's not forget how much money this guy has. Let's not forget he's the President of the United States of America. He is not "in-touch" with the working class. He knows as much about what the working-class is going through as I do about quantum physics. By the way, I know exactly nothing about quantum physics. What I'm saying is, all this bullshit that the President is doing is political. His advisers tell him what to say and what will work. He's just trying to win an election. I'm not mad at him for it. I'm mad at the American people who are buying into all of it. You have to be kidding me if you think he's more "in-touch" with the working class because he can unbutton his shirt and drink a beer. Don't be an idiot!

         The second part of that news coverage pointed out that Mitt Romney was vacationing in the Hamptons and throwing a fund-raiser. He is so out of touch with the working-class because he sails on his yacht and raises millions of dollars for his campaign. What an asshole. What? I'm going to be honest when I say that I don't know that much about the guy. All I know is that he is very successful in all his business ventures and made millions of dollars. I would also say that he is just as "in-touch" with the working-class as President Obama. They are both rich politicians. Don't make the mistake of believing the hype. Neither one of these guys has any idea what we are going through right now. They aren't looking for jobs, struggling to pay bills, stressing over debt or paying for sex. They have no idea what we're going through, so again, don't believe the hype.

         I have a question for you. If you had a business and wanted someone to run it; who would you pick? The guy that unbuttons his shirt and drinks beer, or the guy that makes millions of dollars because he's business savvy? I know, it's a no-brainer. The point I'm making is this. Why does it matter if the President of the United States is "in-touch" with the working-class? It's not his job to know how we feel. He is the CEO of a giant company called the United States of America. All he needs to know is how to keep the employees happy, working, and prosperous. He has to know how to make money for the company and how to compete in the global economy. The CEO doesn't have to know how his employees spend their weekends. He has to keep money in their pockets and love in their hearts. Cute right? Thanks. Anyway, the company mood needs to be a happy one. From the top down, everyone needs to play by the rules and support each other. Wouldn't that be great?

         Unfortunately we don't live in a Utopia. We live in a greedy, dirty, corrupted society. You can't trust a word politicians say because most of them are lying, and they are the ones that represent us. We have Democrats and Republicans who are in a pissing contest that will never end. They have lost sight of what this Country is about and are so consumed with self interest they can't get anything done. If the Democrats come up with a good idea that would be a positive step for the country, the Republicans will shoot it down because it wasn't their idea. And vice-versa.

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          On a side note, this whole Democrat and Republican thing really bothers me. Why can't you be both? Why can't you just be an American who has his (or her) own opinions? Because you are a Democrat, you HAVE to be Pro-choice? If you are a Republican, you HAVE to be against gay marriage? I'm an American. I support gay rights because everyone should have the opportunity to be happy. I also support defense spending and the right to bear arms. So what am I? I'm an American. Don't be so strictly aligned with a certain party. Make your own decisions. That is all.

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          It makes me sick how Congress operates. Congressmen and women are about as useful as tits on a bull. I took that line from a movie but I can't remember which one. Anyway, it's horseshit how inefficient our Government is. My only hope is that we can get someone in the White House that can actually accomplish something. I'll hope in one hand and give myself a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich with the other. I have a good feeling which one will fill up first.

     

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Boring Ass Baseball

Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Boring Ass Baseball

On Tuesday, Major League Baseball will be hosting its 83^rd All-Star Game in Kansas City. This Midsummer Classic is a welcomed break from the regular season as it allows players and fantasy owners a few days to relax from the 162-game season. Fans love all the hoopla, including the ever popular Home Run Derby held Monday. It allows general managers to review their teams and evaluate them going into the unofficial second half of the season. It even allows ESPN to host something called “The ESPYS” the day after the game. The game is also a huge crock of shit.

My biggest pet peeve of the MLB All-Star game is the winning team determines home field advantage for the World Series. An exhibition game in July featuring many players who won’t be playing in October will play an integral part for the championship. This made no sense in 2003 when this rule was created and it doesn’t make sense now. The rule came as a result of the 2002 All-Star Game, which resulted in a tie. Both managers ran out of players after 11 innings and asked Commissioner Bud Selig, who was in attendance, how to proceed. Selig agreed with both managers that playing further would be an enormous injury risk and declared the game a tie. All the fans at Miller Park in Milwaukee booed the decision and ruined Bud Selig’s homecoming. Selig was the former owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and this was supposed to a defining highlight of his tenure, bringing this game back to his city. Instead, the media ripped him a new one and he looked like a douche. Rather than accept the 2002 game as an aberration and leave it as is, Selig tweaked some rules about expanded rosters, re-entry into the game, and the home field rule.

The funny thing about all the rule changes is it does nothing to ensure there won’t be another tie in the All-Star Game. It has some measures in place to go beyond 11 innings, but not too much longer. Selig basically took this 1987 Toyota Tercel of a game and gave it a new paint job. It might look nicer, but it is still the same shitty car. If Selig wanted to implement the “This One Counts” message with more validity, he’d address my second beef with the All-Star Game.

Since 1970, the starters for both teams have been chosen by the fans. This was baseball’s way of thanking their fans for their loyalty and their ability to put up with $5 hot dogs and $9 beers. Unfortunately, the fans are fucking idiots. The fans vote for players like they would their 6^th grade president; they vote for their friend. This year is a prime example. The San Francisco Giants encouraged their fans to vote for only Giants in the final week of voting and those homos listened. They got three players into the starting lineup (Buster Posey, Pablo Sandoval, and Melky Cabrera) that had no busy starting. At least Posey and Cabrera had the numbers to make the All-Star team. Sandoval shouldn’t be invited to any all-star event this year unless it featured competitive eating. If you don’t believe Giants fans stuffed the ballots, Freddy Sanchez finished fourth among second basemen. Sanchez has played in as many games as you have this year. The fans were able to vote for the starters prior to 1970, but the commissioner at the time stripped the fans that right after they abused it and stuffed the ballots with undeserving players. Maybe it is time for Selig to sack up and do the same.

The rest of the team is selected by players’ vote and the choice of the All-Star Game’s manager (always the previous World Series’ managers). The manager’s role is critical as he needs to adhere to another rule: each team needs a representative. This creates some notable omissions each year as deserving players are left off the roster because a San Diego Padre needs to make the team. Discussing the snubs is part of the yearly tradition with this game. This year had an interesting wrinkle. Dusty Baker of the Cincinnati Reds indicated that National League manager, the alcoholic Tony La Russa, snubbed some Reds players due to a grudge from a 2010 brawl. During the brawl, Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto went all Cobra Kai on La Russa’s Cardinals and kicked catcher Jason LaRue in the head, giving him a career-ending concussion. Cueto was among the snubs. La Russa offered a half-assed explanation on why Cueto didn’t make the team, but most agreed the snub wasn’t as bad as Baker made it out to be.

Bud Selig is trying to have his cake and eat it too. On one end, the team is comprised of players as voted by biased fans and coaches. The players are not exactly giving 100% effort in this glorified exhibition game (it’s still better than that game of grab ass they call the NFL Pro Bowl). Yet, the game does matter for the few teams fighting for a ring. The way I see it, you can have it one way or the other, not both. This isn’t Burger King. Either keep the rules as is and have the result mean nothing except pride. Or, make the game for home field advantage but let the manager pick his team. Get rid of fan voting and the rule where each team needs a rep. Let the manager field the most competitive team to try and win it for his league. We should not be subjected to the Jose Altuves of the world. Addressing this would eliminate most of the flaws associated with this game. Unfortunately, we’d still have to listen to Tim McCarver call it.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd