You Can't Avoid Boyd - No Woman, No Cry

No Woman, No Cry

Serena Williams is one of the best women’s tennis players in the world. That is not up for debate. In her distinguished career, she had never lost in the first round of a Grand Slam event (Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon, and the US Open) until Tuesday. On Tuesday, she lost to some slapdick (Virginie Razzano if you must know) in the opening round in Paris. Despite being one of the favorites to win the tournament and being one point away from winning the match in straight sets, she lost to the underdog. I’m not going to get too bent out of shape on this loss. She’s pretty old for a tennis player, her 31^st birthday is in September, and she has dealt with some serious injuries in her career. The thing that really chaps my ass was when Serena Williams was caught crying DURING the match.

Serena Williams, you are a professional athlete, act like it. You blew a very winnable set, but you are still very much in the match. Tied 1-1, with one set to go for the win. You have won 41 singles titles in your career, 13 of them Grand Slams. I am sure you have faced some adversity within the game before. Stop sobbing like a little school girl who just found out some boy thinks she’s got coodies. You should have clammed up (I’m guessing that’s female equivalent to nutting up) and destroyed this French chick in the final set. Instead, you had a little pity party and let the game slip away. By the time you decided to control yourself, it was too late. The train derailed and now you are heading back to the States much sooner than anticipated.

Can you cry in sports? Absolutely. You can cry after you win a championship or your last appearance before retirement. Perhaps an emotional moment, such as the first baseball game in New York City after 9/11. However, there is no excuse to cry in the middle of the game. None whatsoever. That’s bush league Serena. Now you know why people don’t respect women sports.

I’m kidding. People don’t respect women sports for different reasons. First, the actual performance of the athletes is noticeable between men and women. Have you ever watched a WNBA game? I watched the first half of the first ever game between LA and NY. It was a glorified high school game. Set shots and lay-ups featuring something called Rebecca Lobo is not my idea of fun. The NBA might be lacking fundamentals, but it doesn’t lack entertainment or watch-ability. The WNBA has had next since 1997 and hasn’t done a god damn thing with it. A few years ago, I tried to buy playoffs tickets to a Washington Capitals playoff game. The ticket agent told me before I can purchase tickets to the hockey game; I also had to buy season tickets to their WNBA team, the Washington Mystics. Before I could tell the guy to fuck his dick, he immediately told me the season tickets could be donated to charity and used as a tax write-off. Even the ticket agent knew no one wanted these tickets. Golf is in the same boat. Women golfers are skilled, but without the consistent ability to hit long drives, no one cares who wins the Jamie Farr Classic.

Second, outside of tennis and the abortion known as the WNBA, no other sport has any significant staying power. Soccer only grabs America’s attention for the World Cup, where people come out of nowhere to go overboard with their love of soccer. Once it’s over, Americans forget about soccer for the next four years and focus on more important things, like the Kardashians. Ditto for any Olympic sports. More people are more interested on Lolo Jones’ v-card than about any event in the 2012 Summer Olympics. I apologize if my views come off as chauvinistic. I have nothing against women playing sports. I think everyone should be active in athletics and support Title IX. However, most of women’s sports are not universally marketable. That’s not opinion, that’s fact.

Women’s tennis is the only sport that can compete with the men’s version. In fact, many prefer the play of the ladies over their male counterparts. The sport will not fold because one of its stars got emotional, nor should it. It’s just another example of Serena not controlling herself (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serena_Williams#Controversies). I realize she is not a robot and has human emotions, but she is a professional athlete. Michael Jordan would have never cried if he missed free throws and lost the game for his team. She has experienced everything in tennis, from championships to frustrating losses. I am sure her years in the sport have taught her how to turn hardship into a positive. There was no excuse for the tears we saw. Maybe Tom Hanks should have said “There’s no crying! There’s no crying during the game!”

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Strong Willed - Learn How to Order

Hey there ham sandwich lovers. I am honored to have been invited to write a hammy blog. It’s nice to be a part of the entertainment. If you don’t know me my name is Will and I have known Henny since middle school. He was always a smartass yet very intelligent, we spent a great deal of time getting in trouble on the bus together on the way to school. What can I say; throwing acorns and paper balls at the bus driver was fun when we were kids. Anyway, enough about us, let’s get down to business. Since I am a pizza maker at a local pizzeria I am going to talk about the “do’s” and “don’ts” of ordering your food.

Any person who knows me knows that I am a nice guy and pretty friendly, but they also know that I am pretty easily irritated by the stupidity of the human race, that I unfortunately happen to be a part of. Every day as many people do I have to deal with people. It’s not too bad of a gig most of the time but there are days when it seems like I meet up with every idiot in the area. It comes with the territory but it’s ridiculous how some people can’t even seem to order food properly.

First off I would like to start off with saying that people should know what they want before they pick up the phone and call. We don’t have the time to sit on the phone while people yell out to other people asking them what they want. It’s a waste of our time and it’s just plain rude. We have a job to do. Real simple, make a list then call. It’s not rocket science. It’s a food order. Forrest Gump could handle it without too much effort. So could Jessica Simpson, even though she would have a little trouble if she was in the mood for a tuna sub. We might end up making her a chicken cheesesteak with anchovies and it would still be our fault even though she can’t tell the difference between chicken and fish. That’s what happens; we catch the blame when the customer is an idiot.

Secondly, I would like to point out that it is not polite to try to rush us. We try to get our orders done as fast as possible. Keep in mind that there are other hungry people that called before you and it is on a first come first serve basis. It’s like that anywhere you go. People come in and order a pie at the counter and before I am even finished making it they will ask if it’s done. I can make a pie in less than a minute in a rush so I think you get my drift. My response to those people is usually “I’m sorry but our pizza microwave is broken so we have to cook it the old fashioned way; with a pizza oven”. For the Jessica Simpson that is reading this there is no such thing as a pizza microwave. I had an older gentleman recently that came up to the counter, butted in front of the other person, and started yelling his order at me while I was busy working the oven because he apparently could not wait for the counter person to take his order. Rudely yelling your order to the busiest person in the place is not the best way to speed things along. You would think that an old person who is retired and has nothing better to do than go to the casino and spend their social security checks would be a little more patient. It’s not like it’s a life or death situation. But then again this guy was so old he may have only had minutes to live so maybe it was. I guess he really needed that meatball parm sub before he croaks. Sorry buddy but a sub before you die won’t help you get into heaven. Being patient and courteous to other people might though.

I would also like to say that telling someone “don’t fuck up my order” is probably not a good thing to say when making an order. We are a little too mature to mess with people’s food where I work but in other places that is like saying “Spit in my food” or “I would like to have my food burned”. Seriously, do people think that being rude and nasty is going to help them get a better meal? We will still make them good quality food because we care about the survival of our business and the bottom line is that the customer is the person that ultimately pays us but I highly doubt that we will take the same care that we would when a person is polite and nice when they order. I admit the fact that when a person orders from us and it is a person who is always nice and respectful; I try a little harder to make them the best quality food I can. We always do our best to make sure that we give the customer what they want. So if they are rude and obnoxious when they tell us to make their wings as hot and spicy as possible we are more than willing to oblige. Later when they are sitting on the toilet with their asshole on fire wishing they did not ask for their wings so spicy they won’t think of the fact that I am laughing at them for their stupidity.

One more thing I would like to say is to make sure you go to the right place. Read the name on the front of the shop. You look absolutely retarded when you come into a place and ask for your order only to find that you ordered from the competition down the road. Yes, that actually happens quite frequently. For some reason people don’t see the 20 foot long sign over the door when they walk in that says the name of our establishment. They don’t see the name of the place over our counter or anywhere else either. Only proves their inability to read and gives us a sigh of relief that the other guy gets to deal with that fucktard.

In closing I would just like to say that we appreciate all the customers that walk through our doors. Their patronage is what guarantees that I have a job and I’m able to pay my bills and support my children. It ensures that my boss’s dream of owning his own business stays a reality. My boss is also one of my best friends so it’s nice to be a part of it. So next time you get a hankering for some great Italian food give us a call. Be nice. Be courteous. Have a little patience. I’m sure that next time Henny is in PA and needs a ham sandwich to negotiate a handjob we can help him out. If he is a dick when he orders we will still make him a sandwich worthy of a handjob from the bum behind the dumpster out behind the shop. But if he is really nice about it we will make him a sandwich that will get him laid rather just a handjob. Hope I was able to educate and entertain my fellow ham sandwich fans.

         -Written by Will

Happy Memorial Day

           Happy Memorial Day Ham Sandwich lovers. We should take this weekend to remember why we have the last Monday in May off every year. Why we have the freedoms we have and remember those who died fighting for them. Although it has been celebrated since 1868, Memorial Day was recognized as a national holiday in 1971. I'll summarize a speech given by Ronald Regan at the Arlington National Cemetery in 1986. Memorial Day is a time of remembrance. It's a time to be with the family and give thanks to those who served this country both past and present. A time to sit back and really think about what this country would be if it weren't for the brave men and women who chose to defend it. If that means you have a day at the beach or a BBQ in the back yard, the important thing is to be with the ones you love and remember how we all got here.

           Living in the DC metro area allows me the opportunity to be more involved in the celebration of this holiday. I can park my car Rosslyn, VA and take a jog through Arlington National Cemetery, over the bridge and into the Nation's Capital. I can visit all the amazing war memorials and watch as Americans come together as a family. As a Veteran I like to sit back sometimes and watch how everyone celebrates Memorial Day. I enjoy seeing families having picnics, bikers riding around 20 or 30 deep with American flags waving behind them. Grandchildren holding their grandfather's hand as they walk around the Mall. It's a wonderful thing to be an American, so take this time to enjoy it. And if you see a Veteran, stop and say thank you. That's all. You don't need to buy them anything or carry their bags. Just stop and say, "thank you."

            Don't worry about the people that don't know what this holiday is about. Don't let it bother you that some people just enjoy the day off and use this long weekend to get drunk and party. It's their weekend and they have the freedom to spend it however they wish. If we attempt to take away those freedoms we forget what we've been fighting for. That's one of the problems with society today. Everyone is always worried about everyone else. There are a thousand facebook posts trying to guilt everyone into remembering why we celebrate Memorial Day. You know what I say? Of course you don't, why would you? But I'll tell you. I say, who cares. I don't use a question mark because I'm not really asking anything. It's rhetorical. The only thing I worry about is how I celebrate this holiday. I know what it's about and I always remember those who've fought and died for this Country. And I certainly appreciate the living Veterans that served or are still serving today. Instead of wasting your energy trying to convince someone else to give thanks, concentrate on your own family and pay respects your own way. And if you didn't know what this holiday was about, I hope this post shed some light on it for you. But you can celebrate it however you want, because if you were reading above, I don't care.

             I'm going to enjoy my day off by cleaning my gutters, then taking my new running shoes for that jog I mentioned in the second paragraph. Like I've been saying, don't get worked up by the fact that I'll also be negotiating a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich in our Nation's Capital. Out of respect I'll do it as far away from the memorials as possible. I'm not a monster!

           

          

You Can't Avoid Boyd - I'm Addicted to Girly Pop Rock

I’m Marcus Boyd and I’m Addicted to Girly Pop Rock

Recently, my friend Peppers was in the midst of a sexual dry spell. He had been involuntarily celibate for about six weeks, a long time for this sexual predator whose standards are two holes and a heartbeat. He was in the middle of the slump, just like a baseball player would endure throughout a typical season. In both slumps, you don’t notice anything different at all until you view the results and notice your lack of production. As you slump, you try harder, which only compounds to your predicament. Eventually, all slumps end, whether it’s a majestic home run or a seeing-eye single. Whatever it is, it all looks the same in the box score; you are off the snide and back to normal. I wish I could tell you Peppers’ slump ended in style and he banged a girl out of his league twice at night and once in the morning. Unfortunately, Peppers hit a seeing-eye single; he infiltrated a bachelorette party by singing “Call Me Maybe” and settled for a fiveish.

This post isn’t about what it takes to hook up these days. If it were, it would be 700 words easily summed up as “Girls have all the power, but guys should do whatever it takes legally to trick them into bed. If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.” This post is about pop rock being dominated by women. Some may hear what happened to Peppers and think he’s a tool for singing the Carly Rae Jepsen hit at a bar. I would not call him a tool, because those who live in glasshouses should not throw rocks. I’m Marcus Boyd, and I’m addicted to girly pop rock.

They say the first step to fixing a problem is admitting it. Well, I’m admitting it. Most who know me would call me a man’s man. I’m into sports and drink with the best of them. I’m not into romantic comedies, unlike several of my male friends. However, girly pop rock is my kryptonite. I would like to point out the following songs for my current affliction:

Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone”. This song came out when I was in college. It was played all the time at house parties and bars. It also didn’t help that my one rugby teammate used to scream along to it in a high-pitched comical way. I know all the words to this song and was viewed like a leper when I sang along to it at a DC bar months ago. I hate Kelly Clarkson for introducing me to girly pop rock. Luckily, God has stricken her with the appetite and body type of Jumbo Elliott as punishment for her shitty music.

Gwen Stefani’s “It’s My Life”. I had another rugby teammate who was known for two things: his impressive strength and his love for this song. Considering I was their unofficial roommate, I heard this song approximately 93 million times my senior year. Fist yourself Gwen. Please note I still don’t consider rugby a gay sport despite the appreciation of these songs from my college teammates and the sports’ admiration of male nudity in public settings.

Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie”. Her song is my creed. And anyone who has ever accused my hips of lying is either a liar themselves, jealous of my hips, or a Communist.

Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA”. Fuck you Hannah Montana. Just when I thought I was over my addiction, you pull me back in with this song. If I hear the line “And the Britney song was on….”, I lose my shit. It’s embarrassing for a man of my stature to be fist-pumping to a song from Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter. I can only hope your dad’s mullet is passed down from generation to generation.

Any song by Katy Perry. I’m on to you Katy Perry. You got me on board with your “I Kissed a Girl” song. You knew lesbianism would nab me hook, line, and sinker. Throw in the fact my gym subliminally plays your songs and the radio can’t get enough of you, and I know more of your songs than I should. My only saving grace is you voluntarily hung out with certified nutjob Russell Brand.

I have gotten better throughout the years. I’m not on the “Call Me Maybe” bandwagon and avoided the temptation of Kesha and other such succubuses. I listen to satellite radio to curtail my listening to only rock and alternative music. However, I know I am one hit song away from relapsing. Who knows what music is capable in this American Idol/Glee world we now live in. Am I scared? A little bit. But I am confident I can overcome this addiction. It’s pop music, it’s not coke. I have never blown a dude to hear a Mandy Moore song. I will beat this, faithful readers of HJFHS. As God as my witness, I shall overcome.

          -Written by Marcus Boyd

From Josh With Love - Say Hello To My Little Friend

Say Hello To My Little Friend

My morning began today as it typically does; violently engaging the snooze button with a semi-clenched fist, followed by the typical thought of “fuck me” and the subsequent realization that another day in my otherwise trivial existence is beginning. As I lurch out of bed and stagger to the bathroom, I’m not immediately aware that my typical unforgettable Tuesday is about to get shittier. I step over the period blood that my roommate left on the floor in front of the toilet, get the shower running, disrobe and look in the mirror just long enough to confirm my own disgust at my physical appearance. I make it through hair washing before I reach for my generic branded face wash (I shower from top down). After applying a small dab of face cream it is mere seconds later that I realize my lip feels funny to the touch. Then I notice the tingling sensation as the water flows down my face. That feeling is unmistakable. There’s something brewing, not quite visible yet, like an active volcano just starting to stir but I know what’s coming. I’m getting a cold sore. For the second time in 5 minutes I have a clear and distinct thought; fuck me.

The race to subdue a potential run-away cold sore is like the nuclear arms race. The end goal is to overcome your adversary and hopefully avoid a Bay of Pigs strength blistery crater on your mouth. I immediately apply my Abreva when I get out of the shower. I’m not sure what is in Abreva but I’m pretty sure it’s a made up medicine which makes me think charging $20 for a tiny tube of lip cream is a business I need to pursue. I just don’t know if my current financial situation can get me through the 7 year drug trial period. The last 7 year drug period I went through certainly didn’t end in economic windfall.  

My relationship with cold sores is long. I can’t even tell you how long I’ve been getting them. The reason they are so annoying is the social implications of having them. I’m an expert at reserving judgment against myself. However, I generally like to try to maintain an outward appearance of a reasonable person. That is to say, when I walk down the street, I’d like to think people don’t immediate finger me for who I am. The cold sore changes that. All of a sudden, my face is the lighthouse and the lunar mountain on my face is the beacon, signaling to others what I already know; I’m a piece of shit. Instantly, it’s like they know that I’ve spent too little time with wholesome women and too much time arguing whether anal was implied in the initial negotiation.  

I don’t understand why this is. Well, actually I do. It’s because a cold sore is an infection by the herpes simplex virus and you can’t say herpes without thinking two things; 1. The person who has it is gross and 2. How great the MTV Valtrex commercials from the 90s were. Every time my little friend pops up on my upper lip (why it’s always the upper lip is another question all to itself) I immediately walk around with the expression a dog has after an accident on the living room floor. I feel like an outcast. The judgment from others radiates through me, I keep my head down to disguise my disease and I retreat into anti-social behavior until it’s over. I suppose having a cold sore is sort of like being emo.  

I hope one day I’ll be able to look past my insecurity when my friend shows up. I hope that I won’t assume that I’m being called “herpes face” around the water cooler. I hope that people will know the real truth about cold sores; 80% of people have the virus. To put it in perspective only 30% of people in the US have college degrees. However, I’m positive 100% of college graduates have the virus. Of course, this is wishful thinking because I know as soon as that first tingling appears; I’m in for a week or two of agonizing embarrassment and insecurity. Maybe one day there will be a medicine that works in a few hours. But for now, we’ll have to rely on preventative care. So remember, before you eat that ham sandwich, make sure to wash your hands.

              -Written by Josh

You Can't Avoid Boyd - We Must Protect This House

We Must Protect This House

Earlier this week, the New Jersey Devils, fearful their first two home games in the Eastern Conference finals would be overrun by New York Rangers fans, announced their No Blue campaign. The campaign gave tips to ticketholders on how to sell their tickets to other Devils fans, utilizing Devils’ blogs and the team’s customer service department, and advising Devils fans to buy any available tickets. Considering the two teams are separated by a river, it wasn’t inconceivable for Rangers fans to make the short trip (Delta even had a promotion for a free 17-minute flight from NYC to Newark) for the games. The campaign lasted a day before the team took down the campaign from their website. It is also the latest installment of the dumbest fucking thing in sports right now, outside of rubbing Icy Hot on your balls.

The first installment of this was born in Washington DC, where the Washington Nationals invented their “Take Back the Park” campaign for their first home series against the Philadelphia Phillies this year. After years of watching Phillies fans down to the Nationals Park and treat the stadium like Citizens Bank Park South, Nats officials decided to flex their “Natitude” (they created the word, not me.) In the off-season, they announced only people with a DC metro drivers license can purchase tickets from the team. Sure, Phillies fans who lived in the area can still buy, but it was designed to put a stop to Philadelphians coming down by the bus load.

Where do you get the balls Nationals officials to do something like this? Prior to this year, your baseball team was a joke. It was never competitive. You should be grateful anyone came to your games. Attendance spikes only came under two conditions: Stephen Strasburg starts and when certain road teams came to town. Fans from these road teams instinctively flocked to Nats Park like the salmon of Capistrano. Fans cheered as the home team was losing. The Nationals never had an issue with Philly fans coming down before. In fact, Nats ticket sales reps use to call people in Philly for these games. Now that the Nationals are competitive, they are going to shun a previous fan base that use to buy tickets, food, and beer at the stadium on a regular basis. You think your shit don’t stink Nats? I got news for you, your shit does stink. It stinks like shit.

Phillies fans took the news they couldn’t go to the park like a four-year old would when told they can’t do something: they did it anyway. They found ways to get tickets. They still took buses down here and made their presence felts with cheers, fights, and blackouts. While the ratio may have shifted from previous years, there were plenty of Phillies fans in attendance for the three game series. In fact, many believe the campaign was not effective; it was just the timing of the Nationals impressive start to the season while the Phillies are struggling out of the gate. It is safe to say “Take Back the Park” was a Natbortion.

Now, the Devils got on board the lame train until they realized themselves how lame it was. Perhaps they figured they had no right telling their fans, who spend thousands of dollars in season tickets per year, how they should use their tickets. While attending Game 3 might be awesome, they also can sell their tickets for a huge profit. While true fans will call this person a sellout, our current economy dictates otherwise. Would you rather spend hundreds of dollars attending a hockey game, spending even more on food, drink, and transportation, or watch the game on a 57” HDTV, with money in your pocket? It’s not all about dollars and cents, but the financial implications do come into play.

Whether it a PR move or actual attempt to keep opposing fans out of the stadiums, it was flawed from the beginning. People will find ways to circumvent the rules. A Philly sports radio host brought a bus full of 40 passionate Philles fans to Occupy Nationals Park. Early reports show New Yorkers are buying the most tickets for the first two Devils home games, over any other state (including New Jersey). I don’t know why teams don’t do what the Baltimore Orioles do and embrace it. The Orioles know Yankees and Red Sox games always boost attendance. With that knowledge, they charge higher prices for those games. They realize more people will come to see the Yankees on a Saturday than the Royals on a Tuesday. The Orioles aren’t the only team to do it. Others do the same thing. There’s no reason not to capitalize on opportunities. I just wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way to piss off potential customers.

                 -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The New York Rangers are Trying to Kill Me

The New York Rangers are Trying to Kill Me

On Wednesday night, I had the opportunity to go to Game 6 of the Rangers-Capitals series. The Rangers had a chance to clinch the series with a win and knock over the Caps bandwagon all at the same time. Instead, the Rangers decided to pull their collective pants down and deuce on the ice for 60 minutes. They gave up a goal 90 seconds into the game and showed no enthusiasm throughout the night. I’m glad I spent $100 to watch this turd in the punch bowl performance. The only fight I saw among the blue shirts is when three Ranger fans were asked to leave late in the first period and they responded by throwing drunken haymakers at the security guards.

I knew the Capitals would not go gently into that good night. They have played 13 games this postseason and 12 of them have been decided by a goal (the Rangers have played 10 one goal games in the same span.) They have bought into Coach Dale Hunter’s system and have been relying on the ridiculous hotness of third-string goalie Braden Holtby. They also have Alex Ovechkin , the Caps superstar who tows the line between elite goal scorer and dirty player. They also have Jason Chimera, who absolutely kills the Rangers. He only has seven career playoff goals, but five of them have come against New York. Now, both of these teams’ seasons are on the line Saturday night at Madison Square Garden. Both have Game 7 wins under their belts this year.

They say there is nothing better in sports than a Game 7. Two teams fighting to advance, even throughout the first six games. Well, nothing is better if your team wins. Complete euphoria. If they lose, it feels like getting kicked in the nuts by Sebastian Janikowski while simultaneously getting dumped by your wife/girlfriend/favorite prostitute. I have experienced both throughout my life. The excitement of the highs and absolute depression of the lows. I have even witnessed a Game 7 between these two teams in the past and it was one of the more crushing losses of my lifetime.

In 2009, these two teams met in the first round. The Rangers won the first two games in DC and three of the first four overall. However, the Caps came roaring back to force a Game 7. There was no way I was missing this game in person. I figured I would be their good luck charm as I was in attendance for Games 1 and 2. I was dead fucking wrong. With about six minutes remaining in the game, Tom Green came on the Jumbotron to “Unleash the Fury” (the Caps play a montage centered on motivating sports movie scenes and Tom Green’s Unleash the Fury rant from “Road Trip” to amp up the home crowd when tied or trailing.) Soon after, 84-year old Sergei Federov broke a tie with the game-winning goal and actually walked up to my seat to boot me in the scrotum. Last year, these two teams met again in the first round and the Caps ousted the Rangers in five games. Recent history is not on my side. Strike 1.

Speaking of luck, I believe I impact the series with where I watch the game. It’s not because I’m a narcissistic asshole or suffer from OCD. It can be best summed up by ESPN’s current ad campaign “It’s Not Crazy, It’s Just Sports”. In the first round, the Rangers only beat Ottawa when I watched it at my place. Against the Caps, the Rangers have only won when I watched it elsewhere in Virginia with my girlfriend. Since my girlfriend has selfishly decided to travel to Atlanta to spend time with her nieces and nephews this weekend (I’m kidding….kinda), I am going against history and luck. Strike 2.

To the layman, this series shouldn’t have been close. The Rangers were the top seed in the Eastern Conference while the Caps backdoored their way into the seventh seed. However, the layman is the layman because he doesn’t know shit about anything. Seeding and home ice means nothing in the NHL playoffs. To make it this far, you need to be playing top level hockey and both teams are streaking (sans the Rangers’ effort last night) in the right direction. Playoff hockey is just like blackjack: momentum is everything, but even momentum can be crushed by the right person. In hockey, it’s the goalie. In blackjack, it’s the Asian dealer that continually pulls nine cards to get 21.

Continuing with my gambling theme, the Rangers are playing with house money right now. They won a 3 OT game in this series which was lousy with Caps shots hitting the post. They also won a game where they turned a 2-1 deficit into a 3-2 OT victory, courtesy of a game-tying goal with 6.6 seconds left in regulation and a game-winner just into overtime (Thaaaaaaaaaaaaanks Joel Ward.) They were both inches and seconds away from losing this series. Is it fate? Is it destiny? Is it a coincidence? I don’t know, but I’ll take it.

I know I’m fortunate to still have a team in the playoffs. If Henny sees IIya Bryzgalov this summer, he might do a murder-death-kill on him. Will the Rangers advance or will they bow out? That is the question that will be answered Saturday night. I know one thing about this game. I will definitely be drunk, because I don’t want sobriety clouding my judgment. I want my emotion to be raw and unfiltered. Hopefully, there will be no strike 3.

          -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The NFL's Double-Edged Sword

The NFL’s Double-Edged Sword

The NFL is the most popular sport in America. Sundays in the fall are dominated by people watching their team and/or any team that is on television. People need football. There was no fallout from the fans after last season’s lockout. Some people may have given up their season tickets, but there were more than enough people willing to grab them. Why is the sport so popular? I don’t think there is one definitive answer, but I would say the physicalness of the sport plays a part. That’s why it’ll be interesting to see if Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crusade on safety might impact the league going forward.

Goodell has taken several measures in trying to make the game safer. First, he has handed down fines and suspensions for vicious hits. James Harrison of the Steelers is the most notable offender as he is the only player to be suspended for a tackle under Goodell. Many others have been fined for their hits. Second, he has sanctioned all those in Bountygate to the fullest extent of the law. Sean Peyton, Gregg Williams, and Jonathan Vilma are out for the year (Vilma will appeal his penalty), while five others will miss some time in 2012 for their involvement with bounties. Third, Goodell is looking into the long-term health effects of playing football, such as concussions. Former Bears safety Dave Duerson committed suicide last year by shooting himself in the chest. He didn’t shoot himself in the head because he wanted doctors to study his brain. Scientists determined that Duerson's brain tissue showed evidence of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a dementia-like brain disease afflicting athletes exposed to repeated brain trauma. It is pretty early, but people are wondering if Junior Seau, the former Chargers linebacker who killed himself on Wednesday, was suffering from the same thing.

Player safety in the NFL was something that needed to be addressed. Players are now bigger, heavier, faster, and stronger. It’s a simple issue of physics, factoring the speed and mass of these players. Also, players’ tackling skills have been getting worse for some time. Either players have gotten sloppy or lazy about practicing the basic fundamentals of tackling. It’s somewhat remarkable that no one was paralyzed or killed with a ferocious hit. However, I believe Roger Goodell has overstepped his bounds in making the game safer.

Goodell seems to have no issue setting the bar for reprimands towards player safety. Three players were fined a total of $175,000 in October 2010 after one week where we saw three players carted off. It became newsworthy since the fines were unprecedented for on-field action. Never had a personal foul been fined that much. Also, Goodell is hovering around a litigious situation for suspending Vilma for a full season. The coaches and general manger of the Saints received their punishment after it was discovered they lied to the commish about their knowledge of the bounty system during the NFL’s investigation. Early reports indicated the players were never part of the investigation. Yet, Vilma, a player who only has so many years of playing professionally, must sit out due to the implied thought that he should have been a whistleblower. I can’t see how Vilma does not sue the league for jeopardizing his career, a career that already has a very short shelf life to begin with.

Bountygate blew up after Brett Farve took a beating in the 2009 NFC championship game. He took a few cheap shots in the game. Otherwise, there is no solid evidence the Saints were a dirty football team. They paid out on hits. They were penalized at the time for any late hits or personal fouls. Bounties in the NFL are not unheard of. It’s usually kept inside the locker room. This scandal became public and allowed Goodell to get on his soap box and swing his dick around.

Let’s admit it, Goodell only cares about safety so he can save his ass. Former players have started a lawsuit about their deteriorating health from playing in the NFL. They claim the league knew how harmful concussions were in the long term and concealed these details from the team, players, and doctors. Goodell is using his tenure to eradicate the blindness of the league for the past century.

Do the fans or players care about safety? It appears to be of little concern to them. Fans want to see big hits. People used to watch Monday Night Countdown for “Jacked Up”, a segment showing the five best legal hits from Sunday. Now, people tune in to stare at Stuart Scott’s lazy eye or hear the incoherent bullshit rambling of Chris Berman. Players have admitted lying to team doctors when suffering from concussion-like symptoms, so they can keep playing. It is a shame that many NFL retirees are suffering, but these players can’t be totally surprised. The human body is not supposed to take that type of beating. Yet, no one forced these guys to play football. It was a voluntary decision with very evident risks. Are people really surprised when a chain smoker for over 15 years suffers from emphysema? So why should we be shocked when football players suffer from head injuries?

Roger Goodell is a good commissioner. He has helped improve a game that didn’t need improvement. However, this ginger needs to step off a bit on player safety. Not ignore it, but he can afford to tone it down a notch or two. It’s bad enough you could tackle a quarterback in the torso without the risk of a flag, suspension, or castration. If he wants to be a great commissioner, he can bring back America’s favorite segment and let fans rejoice in nerds getting JACKKKKED UPPPPPP!!!!!!

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

Why Is This Stuff a Story??

             I've been watching Sports Center all day today. I got a half hour of it this morning, some more of it during my lunch break, and even more when I got home from the gym. After seeing what makes the top stories I got frustrated. I was venting to my roommate and decided to air it out to everyone. Everyone that reads my blog anyway.

            Amare Stoudemire, you're an idiot! You are a professional basketball player, a very well paid professional, and you need to conduct yourself accordingly. If I was a Knicks fan I'd be very upset with this. I can understand if a player injures himself on the court. Injuries happen. But if a player that my team spent over a hundred million dollars to get decides to throw a temper tantrum and cut his hand being a retard, I'm upset. He should be fined or at least not paid for the games his misses because of his stupidity. Good thing I hate the Knicks, so fuck him!

            John Harbaugh said on a radio show that the controversy surrounding the Patriots and Saints with SpyGate and BountyGate will leave asterisks next to their championship seasons. He then released a statement saying that he could have been more clear about it and that he was referring to the public perception and not his own feelings. The big story is whether he should have said those things and if Bill Belichick will accept his apology. What? Who cares? He should have said those things. The Patriots spied on other teams and cheated, so there is an asterisk. The Saints put bounty's on other players which is illegal, so there is an asterisk. Mr. Harbaugh spoke the truth but since the media jumped in and ripped it apart he had to apologize immediately. And who cares if Belichick accepts his apology? They are opposing coaches now and if Bill didn't like what he said, then he shouldn't have cheated in the first place. I don't care that Belichick vouched for Harbaugh when he got the job with the Ravens. That has nothing to do with it. It shouldn't be a story and Harbaugh shouldn't have to apologize for anything! Everyone is always so worried about hurting people's feelings and it makes me sick. Don't cheat, plain and simple.

             I'd also like to point out that I love how bad Albert Puhols is doing so far this year. He's hitting .217 with 0 home runs and only 4 RBI's. Everyone is wondering why he's starting the season so poorly. I have an idea. It's Karma! This guy wins a World Series with the Cardinals, his second with the team. A team he was with for 11 years. Then decides to chase the money and sign with the Los Angeles Angels. Now, he's sucking it up. And I love all of it. That's what happens when there is no loyalty. The right thing to do would have been to stay with the Cardinals and try to win another one. He chose the money and now he's paying for it. Good for him.

             I'm sure there was more I was upset about but I can't think of it right now. The Flyers game just started so I'm focused on that. I'll watch this game then hopefully a Flyers win will send me to the 7-11 with a smile to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Morale of the story, it probably shouldn't even be a story.