Hey there ham sandwich lovers. I am honored to have been
invited to write a hammy blog. It’s nice to be a part of the entertainment. If
you don’t know me my name is Will and I have known Henny since middle school.
He was always a smartass yet very intelligent, we spent a great deal of time
getting in trouble on the bus together on the way to school. What can I say;
throwing acorns and paper balls at the bus driver was fun when we were kids.
Anyway, enough about us, let’s get down to business. Since I am a pizza maker
at a local pizzeria I am going to talk about the “do’s” and “don’ts” of
ordering your food.
Any person who knows me knows that I am a nice guy and
pretty friendly, but they also know that I am pretty easily irritated by the
stupidity of the human race, that I unfortunately happen to be a part of. Every
day as many people do I have to deal with people. It’s not too bad of a gig
most of the time but there are days when it seems like I meet up with every
idiot in the area. It comes with the territory but it’s ridiculous how some people
can’t even seem to order food properly.
First off I would like to start off with saying that people
should know what they want before they pick up the phone and call. We don’t
have the time to sit on the phone while people yell out to other people asking
them what they want. It’s a waste of our time and it’s just plain rude. We have
a job to do. Real simple, make a list then call. It’s not rocket science. It’s
a food order. Forrest Gump could handle it without too much effort. So could
Jessica Simpson, even though she would have a little trouble if she was in the
mood for a tuna sub. We might end up making her a chicken cheesesteak with
anchovies and it would still be our fault even though she can’t tell the
difference between chicken and fish. That’s what happens; we catch the blame
when the customer is an idiot.
Secondly, I would like to point out that it is not polite to
try to rush us. We try to get our orders done as fast as possible. Keep in mind
that there are other hungry people that called before you and it is on a first
come first serve basis. It’s like that anywhere you go. People come in and
order a pie at the counter and before I am even finished making it they will
ask if it’s done. I can make a pie in less than a minute in a rush so I think
you get my drift. My response to those people is usually “I’m sorry but our
pizza microwave is broken so we have to cook it the old fashioned way; with a
pizza oven”. For the Jessica Simpson that is reading this there is no such
thing as a pizza microwave. I had an older gentleman recently that came up to
the counter, butted in front of the other person, and started yelling his order
at me while I was busy working the oven because he apparently could not wait
for the counter person to take his order. Rudely yelling your order to the
busiest person in the place is not the best way to speed things along. You
would think that an old person who is retired and has nothing better to do than
go to the casino and spend their social security checks would be a little more
patient. It’s not like it’s a life or death situation. But then again this guy
was so old he may have only had minutes to live so maybe it was. I guess he
really needed that meatball parm sub before he croaks. Sorry buddy but a sub
before you die won’t help you get into heaven. Being patient and courteous to
other people might though.
I would also like to say that telling someone “don’t fuck up
my order” is probably not a good thing to say when making an order. We are a
little too mature to mess with people’s food where I work but in other places
that is like saying “Spit in my food” or “I would like to have my food burned”.
Seriously, do people think that being rude and nasty is going to help them get
a better meal? We will still make them good quality food because we care about
the survival of our business and the bottom line is that the customer is the
person that ultimately pays us but I highly doubt that we will take the same
care that we would when a person is polite and nice when they order. I admit
the fact that when a person orders from us and it is a person who is always
nice and respectful; I try a little harder to make them the best quality food I
can. We always do our best to make sure that we give the customer what they
want. So if they are rude and obnoxious when they tell us to make their wings
as hot and spicy as possible we are more than willing to oblige. Later when
they are sitting on the toilet with their asshole on fire wishing they did not
ask for their wings so spicy they won’t think of the fact that I am laughing at
them for their stupidity.
One more thing I would like to say is to make sure you go to
the right place. Read the name on the front of the shop. You look absolutely
retarded when you come into a place and ask for your order only to find that
you ordered from the competition down the road. Yes, that actually happens
quite frequently. For some reason people don’t see the 20 foot long sign over
the door when they walk in that says the name of our establishment. They don’t
see the name of the place over our counter or anywhere else either. Only proves
their inability to read and gives us a sigh of relief that the other guy gets
to deal with that fucktard.
In closing I would just like to say that we appreciate all
the customers that walk through our doors. Their patronage is what guarantees
that I have a job and I’m able to pay my bills and support my children. It
ensures that my boss’s dream of owning his own business stays a reality. My
boss is also one of my best friends so it’s nice to be a part of it. So next
time you get a hankering for some great Italian food give us a call. Be nice.
Be courteous. Have a little patience. I’m sure that next time Henny is in PA
and needs a ham sandwich to negotiate a handjob we can help him out. If he is a
dick when he orders we will still make him a sandwich worthy of a handjob from
the bum behind the dumpster out behind the shop. But if he is really nice about
it we will make him a sandwich that will get him laid rather just a handjob.
Hope I was able to educate and entertain my fellow ham sandwich fans.
-Written by Will
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