You Can't Avoid Boyd

Give It Up Camping

Saturday was a real lovely day for me. I grabbed lunch with the creator of this blog in Falls Church. After a nice lunch, we hung out at the New Speasy until we hit a rooftop bar in Arlington. After a few Coronas, we hit up Adams Morgan for a kickball party (free beer). After abusing this party for hours, I met up with my girlfriend in Midtown before going back to her place to pass out. All and all, a real lovely day. Oh yeah, there was no fucking Rapture!

Harold Camping, Christian radio broadcaster/old coot, had proclaimed that May 21^st was supposed to be the Rapture and the world was supposed to end later this year on October 21st. He figured out these dates based on calculations from his interpretations of the Bible. The Rapture, for those who don’t know, is Jesus selecting to save the chosen few believers (according to Grandpa Harold, 200 million people or 3% of the world’s population) as the Apocalypse begins. So Saturday came and passed by, and everyone is still here.

We can say Camping is 0 for 1 predicting the Rapture, but that would be a lie. He actually is 0 for 3 as he has predicted May 21, 1988, and September 7, 1994 previously. So far, we know his interpretations of the Bible are way off. Perhaps he forgot to carry the one when doing his Bible math and was off a year. Maybe the Bible isn’t meant to be interpreted in this manner. Have you ever read a passage from the Bible? It’s not exactly the easiest read out there, but it also isn’t a Tolstoy novel by any means. Maybe God decided that the Macho Man Randy Savage was enough for him and spared the rest of us from Apocalyptic earthquakes, floodings, and wildfires.

You would figure Harold Camping would admit he was wrong after this weekend when God let things be status quo for the time being. It would be refreshing if he came out and said the following, “Ladies and gentlemen, the Rapture didn’t happen on Saturday. I was wrong. I just made up that date because I was trying to get Gertrude and Beatrice (or insert any other old lady names) to have a threesome with me before Saturday and thought this was my only chance. Once again, I’m sorry. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” However, Papa Camping was not willing to accept this. He claims last Saturday was a spiritual day of judgment, and that the physical Rapture will now occur simultaneously with the destruction of the universe by God, October 21st. He just bought himself a few more months before going 0 for 4, or what we would call in baseball, the Golden Sombrero.

Harold Camping, just give it up. You have had a respectable career following and researching the Lord’s work, but you are now coming off like someone on crazy pills. You are picking arbitrary dates based on your “interpretations”. You are giving Christians and elderly people a bad name. You also roped many innocent people and businesses into spending over $100 million dollars into this campaign of informing the world of the May 21^st Rapture. You have also refused to refund any of the donations you received, claiming the world has not ended yet. This is sad Harold. Just give it up man. It’s not happening.

What happens though if Gramps gets it right in October though? What if he does get off the snide and is accurate when calling for an October 21^st Rapture? Would God really be willing to end the world one day before the Notre Dame/USC game? If Pop Pop is right, I’ll be the first guy to apologize to him in Heaven and offer him a bearfight. That is, of course, after I tell the lord and his disciples the jelly and jam joke.

                    -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Hey folks, it's Wednesday again, so here are some words of wisdom. I was thinking about this for a while. I didn't know if I wanted to go back to something about driving, which I could do every week. I feel like there are some seriously bad drivers out there that need help. I thought about personally attacking someone for being stupid. Then, I thought I should do something that could help out more people.
         If you plan on being in a public place, or you know that you'll be around a lot of people and you're not going to a rodeo. TAKE A SHOWER! Jesus Christ, for Pete's sake, for crying out loud, for the love of God, even for shits and giggles, just take a shower! Even a "hot spot" shower, which is when you wash your naughty parts, armpits and face. At least that way you take care of the nasty areas and won't smell like pile of shit being fucked by a hobo. Even if you don't have the money to buy the nicest body wash out there, you can get a 20 pack of bar soap for around $5. Let's get it done and stop living your life in filth.
          And don't try and tell me you didn't know you were going to be out and didn't have time to shower. You know when you are going to be out, and even if you didn't. Why would you smell in the first place? Doesn't it bother you when you can smell yourself? I can't stand being able to smell my own stench after a workout or a healthy shit. I shower or flush immediately. It's just plain gross. It bothers me that I even have to say this. This is one of those things that should be involuntary like breathing or blinking. A switch should go off when your nose hairs recoil at the hint of your own body odor. "Hey I need to take a shower," should be echoing in your brain as the neurons are firing on all cylinders. I mean think about it, you go to a store or a library and casually walk past another patron and an awful smell just wafts in your face. WHY? Why did that person go out in public smelling like a dirty gym sock inside a dirtier jockstrap inside a sweaty shoe? It's GROSS! Take a shower!
          This certainly won't be one of my longer posts, but it needed to be said. There are some people out there that you expect to smell bad. Like homeless people, or the French. I don't get upset with the way bum behind the Getty station smells as I'm getting a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. He's supposed to smell that way. The only showers he gets are probably golden. So unless you're homeless giving hand-jobs you need to take a shower!

Writer's block?

          There comes a point in every young writers life where they just can't think of anything to write about. They reach a wall similar to what runners encounter in a long race. When that happens there are only two options to choose from. One, you can just accept the wall's massive size and give up. Pack it in and call it a day, or week, or month. Option two, look for some cracks or weak points in the walls great surface and pick at it until it opens up wide enough to wiggle through. Much like the runner who has to dig deep and bust through the exhaustion and pain to finish the race, you as a writer must find a way to "finish" as well.
          I'm not an accomplished writer by any means, but I've run into this problem multiple times trying to put up 3 to 4 blogs a week. The way I pick at the weak points might be the same way you can. Interestingly enough I use some of the same methods for writing that I do when I hit that runner's wall. I've never run a marathon, but I've done some long runs in my day. I did a half marathon while overseas, and a few 10K races and 6Ks. In all lengths of a run you will hit something that tries to take away your will to finish and make you stop. Whether it's just a short distance hurdle or a long distance brick wall, there will be a point in the run where the thought crosses your mind to start walking and justify it later. It's the same thing with writing. Maybe it's a book you're trying to finish or a blog you want to keep current. There comes a time when the thought crosses your mind to chalk it up as a loss and just stop.
          I don't know about you, but for me, there is no worse feeling than quitting on something before it's finished. When I was just starting out as a runner I did that once during a 5 miler. I'll never do that again because of the overwhelming feeling of failure that washed over me. It was something that was in my head for a few weeks after the race. I didn't quit and just walk away, I walked for a mile or so before trotting across the finish line. That time I reached the wall, pulled up a chair, sat and marveled at it's power to remove all my will-power. It wasn't until I ran my next 5 miler that I realized how much influence our minds had over our bodies. I came to that same wall and literally talked myself over it and to the finish line. It was after that race I knew that I would never quit a race, or anything else for that matter, again. You might be thinking, "this doesn't have anything to do with writer's block." I disagree.
          Writer's block, in theory, is just a wall that needs to be overcome. From my experience, that can be done simply by talking your way through it. It might not seem as extreme as running a long distance or doing anything physical for that matter. But it is, and it needs to be approached in the same fashion. You gather up your will-power, dig deep inside you, take a couple whacks at that wall and wait for it to come down. When writing, that can be done in very different ways. It's might not be as easy as just telling yourself to keep running and not to give up. You have to brainstorm, get some things down on paper, do some research and figure it out. Research can be watching the news, or browsing the Internet. NOT for porn! Unless you're writing about porn I guess. How about just taking a piece of paper and writing down the first couple things that pop into your head. You'll end up with a paper of mostly garbage, but something on that sheet might jump out at you and stir the pot of creativity. Sometimes you have to engage people in conversation and see where it goes. It might go nowhere, but what does that hurt? There's a chance, you need to be willing to take, that it leads you to an idea you didn't think about. The point is, writer's block isn't something to be taken lightly and needs to be handled with the same mental toughness that can power you through mile 9 of a half-marathon.

On a side note, that's where I estimated hitting a wall when I ran my half-marathon. I'd like to point out two things about that race. The longest I ran leading up to that race was 6 miles. I didn't get to properly train because I was traveling a lot through IRAQ. Also, I finished just a shade over 2 hours!

           So getting back to the overall premise for this blog. Whether it's a long race, a tough week at work, a strenuous workout or writer's block. It can all be overcome by will-power and a strong understanding of how much influence your mind has over everything you're doing. If you don't believe that, you'll end up quitting later in life and giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches behind a Waffle House. I had a case of writer's block the past couple days. Then it occurred to me, "you can write about anything you want, why not write about not being able to write?" BOOM blog post!
       
     

Johnny on the Spot

           Where is the best place to get some serious thinking done? Where did some of the greatest inventors of our time come up with their ideas? Where did I come up with the topic of this blog? All these questions have the same answer. It's the only place you can sit back and have a thought to yourself. I'm talking, of course, about the bathroom. The shitter. The office. The throne. Whatever you call it, the toilet has literally saved lives.
           Legend has it Thomas Edison came up with the idea for electricity while he was pinching one off. A draft came in and blew out his candle so he thought to himself, "It sure would be convenient if I had a light source that wouldn't go out when the wind blew." BOOM, electricity. If you think Alexander Graham Bell came up with the telephone somewhere other than the toilet, you my friend, are dead wrong. The automobile you ask? Yes, that's right. The toilet was the catalyst for that great invention. Henry Ford had a bad case of the runs and couldn't make it to the can quick enough to avoid an embarrassing, that's why I had to throw out my pants, story. Henry thought, "If only I had a way to get around quicker. The wheel was a pretty good idea, maybe I should build on that." Now we're paying over $4 a gallon, but that's not Henry's fault. The bathroom is, in one way or another, responsible for everything we have today. Yes, everything!
           I can sit here and write how the toilet has influenced every invention in the past 150 years, but I won't. Because I'm at work and don't have that kind of time. I'm already getting weird looks for being on a webpage called Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches.
          I do have one question about the bathroom and the advancements we've made over the years. Why can't we make a urinal that doesn't splash piss back on my legs when I use it? I mean seriously, there are a hundred different kinds of urinals out there and everyone I use splashes my own pee back on my legs. I highly doubt I'm alone on this one. Can you please tell me what's going on here? We can put a man on the moon but we can't engineer a toilet without a splashback? I don't think I have an usually strong pee flow so I need to know what I'm doing wrong. I've aimed up. I've aimed down. I've aimed to either side. One time I even aimed in the opposite direction and boy was that guy pissed on. Get it? No, but seriously he was mad! The story doesn't change though. There is always a very good chance that some of my own piss will end up back on my legs. Ridiculous.
          They have changed the urinal a lot in the past 50 years and nobody thought of this dilemma? Am I really the only one that experiences this? I will give a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich to the guy that invents the "No Splashback Urinal." You know what, you don't even need to give me the Ham Sandwich. Just let me piss in the urinal with bare legs exposed and stay dry!
       

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Coming Out Party…..Kinda Sorta

The NBA should be in the sports headlines this week with its intriguing conference finals match-ups and its annual NBA Draft Lottery. However, the main headline on Sunday was Phoenix Suns CEO/President Rick Welts coming out of the closet and announcing he was gay. While most people associated with the team knew of his sexual orientation, the announcement was still somewhat of a surprise. He acknowledged that it was easier to come out as a 58-year-old executive as opposed to a current player, saying "at least in male team sports," the attitude toward gays is "definitely not in step today with where society's thinking is on the whole topic. You know, it's going to take some time." The big issue I have with this is why haven’t we seen an openly gay male superstar?

Billie Jean King, Martina Navratilova, and Sheryl Swoopes are among some of the prominent female athletes who announced they were gay during their playing careers. Among the notable males who announced their homosexuality:

• Glenn Burke, marginal MLB outfielder for three years in the 1970’s. He is the only athlete among the four major sports to come out during his playing time. He believed his short sports career was caused to the prejudice against gays in professional sports. I also believe no one reading this post has ever heard of this guy (me included until I did the research).
• Billy Bean, marginal MLB outfielder for eight years. He came out of the closet four years after his retirement. Known more as the other Billy Bean, as Oakland A’s GM/creator of “Moneyball” Billy Beane is the more famous of the similar names.
• John Amechi, journeyman professional basketball for eight years. He came out two years after his retirement.
• Akil Patterson, NFL prospect was outed when NFL scouts questioned the rumors of his sexuality during the combine. Since then, he has switched to Greco-Roman wrestling and is a hopeful for the U.S. team for the 2012 Summer Olympics.
• Gareth Thomas, Welch rugby player. He came out after he retired from international play, but continues to play locally.
• Greg Louganis, famous U.S. Olympic diver. He was openly gay while competing in the 1980s.     

There were a few names left off this list from the NFL and college basketball, but all of these athletes came out after their playing careers were over.

I have a few gay friends. I also feel I have even more gay friends than I know about, but they remain in the closet. I am not naïve. Despite the fact our society is more open to the gay lifestyle than in previous decades, it is still a taboo issue in some areas. I cannot say I know what it is like for these people to have to live their life in secret, but it is an absolute shame that these people believe they have to. All of the above athletes, unless noted, all mentioned they were afraid their careers would have ended prematurely if their orientation was made public. Even the athletes who were open about their lifestyle felt they had to live more privately to avoid public ridicule.

Unfortunately, it will take a current successful athlete to come out to break down this barrier. This person would need to be extremely strong emotionally as this would be a major news story. This person would receive a lot of media attention, but it would be subject to harassment from people who oppose homosexuality. And there are a lot of people out there who don’t embrace this type of open lifestyle. Some may think why a person would subject themselves to all this media scrutiny when they can continue their job while being a homosexual in private, but I do feel I will see an athlete reveal he is gay during his playing career one day. It will be a truly groundbreaking day for the sports community as hopefully it will make it acceptable for gays to play professional sports without having to keep their orientation a secret. Just like Jackie Robinson in the 1940s, there will be controversy, but it will be better for sports in the long run.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

New York City

          There are certain cities in the United States that have something they are known for. Chicago is windy and has great deep dish pizza. New Orleans has Bourbon Street, beer, boobs and awesome Cajun food. Philadelphia is known for cheese steaks and passionate sports fans. It’s always raining in Seattle. San Fran has the gays. But New York City is on a different level. There are things that you will see in NYC that you just won’t see anywhere else in the country. Even if you go to New York frequently and you know what to expect, something will happen that will blow your mind. 

           I’ve been to NYC a handful of times and I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what the city was all about. I went up there this past weekend and boy was I wrong. I saw some shit this weekend that will stay with me the rest of my life. I’m not talking about 3 headed, fire breathing midgets. I’m talking about real things people do or say that make for great stories with while you're crushing suds with your buddies at happy hour.

          I realize some of these stories are “had to be there” type tales and won’t be funny to you. I’m not worried about that, I’m only going to share one story anyway. I want you to understand this is the tip of the iceberg. To fully appreciate what this blog is about, you need to get yourself up to NYC and stroll around for a couple hours. Keep your head on a swivel and your ears open. Soak it all in, then step back and try and wrap your head around some of the crazy shit you saw/heard. 

It may or may not be important to set this story up a bit, so here it goes. 

          Saturday morning has come and gone. It’s afternoon now and I’m starting to get hungry. There are a couple ways to get your day started off on the right foot. Breakfast is usually at the top of the list. However, when it’s on or around 12, nothing beats a nooner! That doesn’t stop my hunger pains for long though and I can really go for some brunch. My good friend Margo and I head downtown on foot to find a restaurant with a first-class menu. We end up on 23^rd street and 6^th ave. At a very nice place with a decent spread. The food was very good and the mimosa that came with it really hit the spot. Not far away is a coffee shop that is heavily spoke of in the coffee drinker circuit, so we head over to check it out. One of those “had to be there” stories happened here but without being able to act it out it won’t have the same affect. Anyway, it was on the walk back uptown when I saw one of the funniest, ugliest, craziest things I’ve ever seen. 

           While walking up the street, I think it was 8^th ave., everything was normal until we were about 25 yards away from a bar that I couldn’t tell you the name of to save my life. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon, birds were chirping and the breeze was moderate. All of the sudden, bursting out of the front door of this bar like the SWAT team on a bust, was a giant transvestite with a microphone. This wasn’t a dainty little guy that could pull off the woman look either. This was a 6’ 3” dude with shoulders that would make Coach Ditka shed a tear. He was wearing stilettos that put him at about 6”7” and a zebra print skin tight dress. He had the attention of everyone on that block and started shouting into his microphone “Two dollar mother fucking shots . . at the bar . . at the bar!” He had surprisingly good rhythm but a voice that solidified his manhood more than the penis bulging out of his dress. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing. Not only was this giant penis wielding woman screaming at everyone. It was only 3:30 in the afternoon and this bar was giving away $2 shots. So a couple Jameson shots later we were back on our way. I mean for $2 how can you say no?          

          I hope I did this story the justice it deserved. Keep in mind this was one thing on a very long list of things that happened this weekend that made me question the decisions people make. The point of the blog is that New York City is strange animal and unlike any other city in the U.S. I live right outside of D.C. and I have to walk around for blocks with my Ham Sandwich before I get what I’m owed. NYC has the exchange of Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches happening on almost every street corner without batting an eye. Only in America!

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Happy 25^th Birthday Danger Zone!

 First off, I apologize to my loyal followers for the lateness of this post. I know most of you wake up on Thursday with a cereal bowl in hand, expecting your weekly Boyd fill. Please be patient with me as I will still try to post something once a week. It may post on Thursdays, it may post later in the week, it may not post at all. I promise I’ll be back on my normal schedule sometime in the near future.

I admit it, I am not good with remembering birthdays. I know about 12 people’s birthdays, and only because half of them have the same birthday as me. Facebook does a good job reminding me as well (as well as letting me know of all the mundane details of some of my “friends”.) However, I was pleasantly surprised this morning when CNN.com informed me a very special birthday. Let’s all take a moment to wish a happy 25th birthday to the movie “Top Gun”.

Before “Top Gun” came out, Tom Cruise was a young actor on the rise. After it, he was a star who became one of the top paid actors for nearly two decades (before he went crazy with Scientology and constant rumors of homosexuality.) Thanks to “Top Gun”, bomber jackets and Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses sales increased 40%. Multiple songs became popular by being on the soundtrack, including “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins and “Take My Breath Away” from Berlin . The “AFI's 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes” list had the line "I feel the need...the need for speed!" at number 94 on their list. Plus, any guy in his 20s-40s can ramble off some of the more memorable lines/scenes from this movie at any time. The movie is a favorite of all, despite the gay overtones Quentin Tarantino pointed out about this movie in 2007.

Personally, the movie stands out for me for two reasons. One, this is one of Those Movies for me. People who know me know I always show up late to social outings. Many theories have arisen as to why I do this, the most popular being the amount of time I spend getting ready. Based on the perfection of my hair, I can understand the reasoning behind this. However, the actual reason why is Those Movies. Those Movies are the ones I have seen hundreds of times, yet always grabs my attention no matter what, regardless of the type of rush I am. You can blame Maverick, Cameron Poe, Casey Rybeck, Johnny Utah, William Wallace, Andy Dufresne, Rudy, and many other others for being late. Two, the scene where Tom Cruise sings “You Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” to try and woo a girl at the bar. Courtesy of this, I have sang this song approximately 1.6 million times in my life within a chorus of BU ruggers, friends, or by myself. Usually, it receives compliments. Sometimes, I’m told to shut the hell up. Either way, good times by all.

While I realize it is a birthday weekend, just remember to pour some out for Goose. I like to think he is probably enjoying a piece of birthday cake in movie Heaven however, while looking down from the clouds at his movie wife, cute Meg Ryan, not the currently hideous Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan’s face has been in the DANGER ZONE for years.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid . . . ME!

Stereotypes, right or wrong?? 

           I'm going to talk about stereotypes and why they make life a heck of a lot easier. First of all, let me straighten out what exactly a stereotype is. A stereotype is a generalization we place on a certain race, or religion, or ethnic background. They do NOT apply to all members of that particular race or religion. However, they do apply to most of them. That's why it's called a generalization. There are obviously exceptions to the rules. Like an Irish guy who doesn't drink, a Jewish guy who's terrible with money, a Black guy that sucks at sports, or an Asian who can drive. Those are the exceptions and are few and far between. 

          Not all stereotypes are bad either so don't worry. I'll touch base on the good and bad ones and how they affect our every day life. 

          For instance, when you walk into an H&R Block or another establishment to get your taxes done, and you see the Asian guy working with someone. In your head you're hoping that they get finished with their customer so you can be next. Am I right? Yes, I know I am. Nobody wants their taxes done by the white guy who's tie is a little too short, or the black lady with the giant rings on her fingers. You want the Asian guy because, odds are, he's a better accountant. That's not a bad thing. On the other hand, when you get into a cab and see the driver is Asian. In your head you're thinking, "Shit, I may or may not make it."  Why? Because the majority of Asians are terrible drivers. Good with numbers, terrible with vehicles. 

          Give this scenario a once over. You're playing pick-up basketball at a gym you are unfamiliar with. "Let's shoot for captains." the guy running the show yells out. You hang back because you don't know anyone and don't want to get stuck having to pick teams. Well, everyone else misses and you have to step up. The ego takes over and you drain the shot. Now you have to pick your team. Who are you looking for to be your first pick? No no no, you're looking for a black guy. Why? Because, odds are, he's better at basketball. It's no big deal. It just so happens that a majority of black guys are pretty athletic and good at sports. So if you end up being captain I would suggest getting one on your team. That doesn't necessarily mean he'll be the better player, but the odds are in your favor. On the flip side, you're walking down the street late at night and you see a black guy walking toward you. Secretly you're thinking, "Shit, I may or may not make it." This guy could be a doctor or lawyer, but in your head he's a thug who is going to rob you. It's just the way the world works. 

          I'll give you one more scenario to think about. This stereotype is a very interesting one depending on how you look at it. You friend tells you they have someone they want you to meet. A buddy of theirs or a friend from school. Whatever the case may be. You meet this person and after talking for a while you find out that person is Irish. In your head you're thinking, "this guy must drink and beat his wife." Or "man, I bet this guy can hold his shit together at the bar." Just because he's Irish you automatically assume they drink, and drink heavily. I'm in no position to dispute this but I'm sure there are Irish people out there not drinking. 

         The point is, you have already made up your mind when you heard Irish. The same way you make up your mind about Jewish people and money. The same way you make up your mind about white people and dancing. It's just a way to speed things up a bit. Odds are you're right! And in the event that the person in question is the exception to rule, who cares? Everyone knows about stereotypes and uses them. If you show me a person who says they don't use stereotypes, I'll show you a god damned liar! I understand I left a lot of stereotypes out. I didn't want this to be a 23 page blog. I also understand that I made them all males. It's just easier that way. So please relax ladies. I didn't do it because I'm sexist, I did it because females have a whole other set of stereotypes. The concept is still the same though. 

          I used a stereotype the other day when I filled up my gas tank. And you know what? I was right and it sped up visit. A Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich later I was in my car with a full tank and empty balls. Why? Because the odds were in my favor!  

Just How Awesome is Steven Seagal?

          If you are anything like me, you've asked yourself this question many times. How awesome is Steven Seagal? You've seen at least one of his movies before. Or if you're like me, you've seen all of them! I even bought Under Siege on Blu-Ray because I can't get enough of Casey Ryback. Also, the opening scene to Above the Law where he's in his dojo beating up all his students at once might be one of the most bad ass openings ever. What you might not know about that scene is that it's actual footage of him in his dojo. He is a 6th degree Black-belt in Akido, a pretty serious martial arts technique focused on punches and throws. That whole opening scene was someone taping his class. If you've seen it, that's why the quality isn't exactly movie quality. I feel like I'm wasting my time telling you how awesome Steven Seagal is because it's obvious you already know.
          It's not just his movies that make him such a man's man. I'm sure you've heard of the UFC fighter Anderson "the Spider" Silva. Mr. Silva has been training with Steven Seagal and used one of his techniques in his last win. It's a similar technique that I talked about in my "how would you dodge a front kick" blog. Lyoto Machida is a training partner of Silva's and undoubtedly got the same front kick from Steve. Yes, I've watched his movies enough I can call him Steve! Not only does he dominate the action/fight scene movie genre, he also trains real fighters that win fights with his techniques. How awesome is that?
          He might not be the best actor in Hollywood. I'll admit that. But this next story just made me appreciate the man even more. A central Pennsylvania  pastor has been telling his followers for the past 5 years that he was a Navy SEAL in Vietnam. He even had the audacity to wear the SEAL's gold trident medal around his hometown. When his story was looked at more closely. There were some serious similarities to the cinema classic I mentioned above. Oh yea, I'm talking about Under Siege. This pastor has been telling his congregation and others in his hometown that he was a Navy SEAL in Vietnam and his stories were closely related the exploits of one Casey Ryback. A Navy SEAL cook with a bad attitude and a general dislike for authority figures. The pastor's story has been brought to light and set straight by some actual Navy SEALs that say they deal with people like this all the time. More surprisingly is how many of those frauds are members of the clergy. Ridiculous.
          I can't blame the guy for copying Casey Ryback though. As far as Navy SEAL stories go, he has a pretty awesome one. I could go on and on about how awesome Steven Seagal is. However, other than the reasons above I can't think of anything. That sheriff show he did, or is still doing, is lame. But, all the movies he's done and lives he's affected make him one of my favorite action stars. He should be one of yours too. So I ask the question again. Just how awesome is Steven Seagal? I went to 7-11 on my lunch break and asked the nice guy in the alley how awesome he was. As I zipped up my pants and he took the first bite of his Ham Sandwich, you know what he told me? "Pretty awesome dude." I couldn't have said it better myself.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

The Bases Aren’t The Only Things That Are Loaded In Baseball

 Shin-Shoo Choo, Cleveland Indians OF, has been in the news twice this year for matters outside of Major League Baseball (MLB).  First, he received an exemption from serving in the South Korean army by being a member of the 2011 Asian Games championship team.  All South Korean males have to serve two years in the military by the age of 30.  With Choo’s 30^th birthday in 2012, the Asian Games was his last shot to receive the special exemption granted to gold medal winning athletes.  It was an uplifting story of a man being able to pursue his chosen career, rather than being forced into military duty.  The second story isn’t quite as uplifting.  On Monday, he was arrested for driving under the influence.  After failing many sobriety tests, he was taken into police custody, where he failed the breathalyzer test as well by blowing a .201 (Ohio’s legal limit is .08.)  Choo is part of a disturbing trend in MLB and society.   

Choo became the sixth major league baseball player since January 1^st to be arrested with a DUI, joining Cleveland’s Austin Kearns, Seattle's Adam Kennedy, Detroit's Miguel Cabrera, Oakland's Coco Crisp and Atlanta's Derek Lowe.  Among these arrests, two stick out for me.  On the night Coco Crisp was pulled over and arrested, the police officer noticed a 2^nd vehicle had pulled over as well.  When the officer asked Crisp if he knew about the 2^nd vehicle, Crisp acknowledged the two men in the vehicle were his personal security team.  To review, Crisp decided to drive home from a bar, drunk, while his two sober security guards followed behind.  Also, Miguel Cabrera was arrested in February of DUI.  It was reported that Cabrera was drinking scotch in front of the arresting officer and put up a fight during the encounter.  This came about 16 months after Cabrera’s infamous 2009 domestic altercation.  During the MLB stretch run (where his team was fighting for a playoff spot), Cabrera was involved in a physical encounter with his wife early Saturday morning.  While charges were never filed, he was taken into police custody, where his BAC was .26.  It was during this embarrassing time in his life where Cabrera admitted he had a problem and began seeking treatment to stop drinking.  It seems the treatment did not work.

This is another black eye for baseball.  In 2007, drinking among ballplayers was put into the national spotlight when Josh Hancock, a pitcher with the St. Louis Cardinals, was killed in a car accident.  It was determined that he was legally drunk when his SUV hit the back of a tow truck, killing him instantly.  After the incident, some MLB teams banned alcohol in their clubhouses and some teams set up car services for their players, at the expense of the team.  Other teams did not change policy at all, pointing out a person should be able to enjoy alcohol in moderation.

I am not going to go on a rant that you shouldn’t drink and drive.  You should know not to do this.  You have been hearing it since grade school.  However, most people do it.  Whether it’s a buzzed five minute drive from the metro to your house or a commute where you do not recall it the next day, it’s wrong on so many levels.  I am not above this, as I have been guilty of doing this on more than one occasion.  It usually takes a drastic measure, arrest or car accident, to stop some people.  I am completely flabbergasted that baseball players continue to do this on a regular basis.

 You would figure the Josh Hancock incident would have scared baseball players straight.  Wrong.  Six DUIs this year (and counting with about eight months to go) and many more since the tragic car accident.  Why do ballplayers insist on driving while drunk?  It can’t be because they can’t afford a cab or car service.  The average baseball salary this year is $3.3 million, with the minimum salary at $414,000.  I have friends who have spent $150 on a cab ride before despite making a lot less than $414,000.  Once again, some baseball teams even pay for a car service throughout the season to make sure their players get home safely.  Despite the fact they are role models (regardless of what Charles Barkley and others think, they are), baseball players have no issue sullying their reputation with a DUI arrest.

While I am not aware of any current MLB players who read this blog, I am hoping that baseball players (and you for that matter) stop driving under the influence.  You might be saying to yourself this won’t happen.  All I know is my blog last week asked President Obama to focus his attention to important issues now that he ended Birthgate and by Sunday night, Osama Bin Laden was dead.  You Can’t Avoid Boyd has mythical powers.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Today's Words of Wisdom are geared toward my younger readers. I should probably say listeners, and you'll understand that when you read further. Either way, it's important that this is said because I know we're all thinking it.
          Allow me to set the scene for you. You are walking around a store or some other kind of public place and see a mother or father with their young offspring following close behind. So far there is nothing wrong with this situation. I don't expect them to be holding hands or wearing a harness or anything. My problem comes in a bit later and that's where my words of wisdom will be implemented. The young child reaches for a piece of candy, or a toy, or whatever they can get their crusty little fingers on. "No, you can't have that hun. We're leaving now." says Mother very nicely. Then it happens. That little bastard/bitch thinks they're the only ones in the world and are entitled to whatever they want. Well here are my words of wisdom. SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!
          Yes, I'm talking to the little brats out there that think they can have anything they want if they cry about it. Well guess what little ones, you're wrong! You are not the only ones in the store, and you don't need whatever you wanted. If it's a toy you'll end up breaking it in a week, if it's candy it'll rot your teeth. So just shut up and be glad your parents aren't allowed to smack you in public anymore.
          I mean seriously, what is up with kids today? They just cry and get whatever they want. Parents are handcuffed by society and aren't allowed to discipline them. Back in the day if there was a kid acting up in public like I see today, they would get slapped or punched, maybe even kicked right in the ass. Then they would shut up because that made them realize they were wrong. But no, not today. You aren't allowed to hit these little fuckers anymore. They are allowed to cry their bobbling heads off, and what can you do? Put them in time out? It just shows where this country is headed. A bunch of out of control kids who think they can have whatever they want if they complain enough. We need to bring back strict punishment and public discipline. Start molding these kids into good, down to earth human beings, instead of the pussies they are all turning out to be.
         To summarize my Wednesday's Words of Wisdom. Hey kids, SHUT UP! Stop being such a little brat and be glad you're not working in a sweat shop somewhere making sneakers. The way these kids are being brought up today, they'll be the ones that complaining there is no mustard on their Ham Sandwich after a tear soaked Hand-job. Ridiculous.

Osama bin Laden = 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

          You know what the best part of getting Osama Bin Laden is? It totally took the news feed away from that stupid Royal Wedding. No, but seriously. I want to congratulate all the soldiers out there doing their jobs and making something like this possible. We've been tracking this guy for a decade now and we finally got him. There are a few things about this whole ordeal that bother me though. None of which have anything to do with the soldiers that got him, the raid, where he was hiding, the President making a speech, the thousands of people that rallied in D.C. and NYC after the news was dropped or anything else related to those topics. My issues have to do with the Facebook philosophers and conspiracy theorists that come out of the woodwork when something like this happens. Also, how I'm sure the news is going to try and spin this in a negative way coming up to the election. 

          Why can't we just enjoy this moment and take it for what it is. We got the Ace of Spades! The Top Dog! The most influential terrorist of our generation is now dead! That's all it has to be. But that's not all it will be. It will turn into a political stunt by the Democrats to boost their popularity for re-election. The Republicans will turn this into anything possible to help their chances in the election. Before you start thinking anything, I'm a Republican. However, I don't think for one second that this was some kind of stunt by Barack Obama. Like he knew where he was for a few years but wanted to wait until the election was closer to go and get him. Come on, don't be ridiculous. I also have no problem with the speech he gave afterward. A lot of people have an issue with the way it sounded like he was taking credit for it. The bottom line is this; he is the Commander in Chief, he authorized the operations leading up to the raid and he authorized them to move it and attack. He gave credit to the soldiers that carried out his orders, but the fact remains he was the one that had the final say. So I have no problem with the way he delivered the news.

          And you know what? Who cares? It wouldn't matter if he stood up there and said, "Yea, I had a vision while I was dropping a presidential deuce that he was in that compound. So I packed up my stuff and went over there and killed him myself" The whole point is, this guy is dead now. The soldiers that were there know what they did, and the people that really matter to them will give them the credit and love they deserve. Maybe it's just me, and I can't speak for all the soldiers out there because I know they all don't feel the way I do. But, I never asked for thanks or special treatment or wanted any kind of credit for doing my job. And those Special Forces guys don't need it either. I don't want you to think I'm comparing what I did with anything the Special Forces do. I'm just saying as a man and a soldier it doesn't matter who takes credit. The people that matter know the truth and that's enough. 

          I say we just sit back for a while and enjoy the moment. And NO, we can't pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan now. We are fighting a war on TERROR not just Osama bin Laden. He has a second in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, that will step right in and take over. Osama bin Laden was more of a symbolic leader rather than an operational one anyway, so the impact his death will have is hard to say. This is a great victory for us and will have tremendous influence over all the Islamic extremists practicing terrorism around the world. They will, however, continue to plot against those who enjoy a life of freedom and that's just the way of the world. So continue to support the troops no matter what and let's come together as a country and see the big picture. It's not about Democrats or Republicans, it's about Americans! From the richest of the rich living in the mansions of Beverly Hills; to the poorest of the poor giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches in gas station bathrooms. Embrace this victory and just live in the moment. Don't try to make it anything else than what it is. That fucker is DEAD! PERIOD!

How would you block a front kick?

          Any UFC fans out there? Whether you're a fan or not I'm sure you've seen the UFC before or at least know what it is. It's where two guys in the same weight class get in the "Octagon" and fight. You can win either by knocking the other guy out, getting him to submit, or letting it go to the decision at the end. Mixed martial arts has become one of the most popular sports today because of how just plain awesome it is. I mean who doesn't like watching two people fight? I would watch two completely hammered dudes fight in a bar, now I can watch two extremely well trained dudes fight on TV. Only in America.
          If you watch TV late at night or early in the morning you probably saw the commercial for the Tower 200 workout system. The main spokesperson for the Tower 200 is UFC Hall of Famer Randy "The Natural" Couture. Randy Couture is a legend. He has held the UFC Championship five different times. Two times as a Light Heavyweight, and three times as a Heavyweight. He is regarded as one of the greatest fighters in UFC history. That brings me to the question of this blog. How would you block a front kick?
          I don't know if you saw the fight this Saturday, or the highlights on SportCenter, but Mr. Couture tried an unorthodox way of blocking the front kick from Lyoto Machida. He used his chin. I'm not a mixed martial artist or seasoned fighter but I certainly disagreed with his strategy. Machida did a Karate Kid inspired crane kick and Randy took it right on the chin like a well paid Vegas hooker. Needless to say he went down like a sack of potatoes and covered up. The ref quickly stopped the fight before anymore damage could be done. Unfortunately that was Randy's last fight as a mixed martial artist and it ended in embarrassing fashion. If you saw this kick, the only thing missing was Mr. Miyagi in the background beating the double sided drum. I'm pretty sure Randy Couture should have tried to wax on, or wax off or MOVE HIS FACE! Of course I would never say any of this to his recently kicked face, but I'm guessing he doesn't read my blog . . . yet.
          So how would you block a front kick? Let's just say, hypothetically, you were in a fight with a highly skilled Karate style fighter in front of 55,000 screaming Canadians. Wait, scratch that, fuck Canada. We'll say it was in the good ole U.S. of A. How's Chicago sound? I just got done watching an episode of "The Chicago Code" on my DVR. Great show by the way. Anywho, back to the story. How would you go about blocking a crane style kick aimed right at your two front teeth? I'm not completely sure how I'd do it, but I do know I wouldn't try whispering to it like Randy did. Maybe a side-step or some kind of blocking technique. I know Randy has been fighting for a really long time and has seen everything. I just can't imagine his thought process was, "well I've blocked kicks in the past, let's see if I can take this on the beard and hurt one of his toes."
          I have to give credit to Lyoto Machida for being one of the more entertaining fighters to watch and taking a page out of Anderson "The Spider" Silva's book with that front kick. It was just crazy to see such a legend of the game go out like that. I also realize that if it were actually me in there fighting either of those guys, the fight would be over very shortly and I'd be spending my share of the purse in some kind of cast. Regardless, it was an awesome way to see a fight end. I just didn't think it would have been the way Randy Couture went out. After the fight I hope he went to the back alleys of Canada and got a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich eh.