Johnny on the Spot

           Where is the best place to get some serious thinking done? Where did some of the greatest inventors of our time come up with their ideas? Where did I come up with the topic of this blog? All these questions have the same answer. It's the only place you can sit back and have a thought to yourself. I'm talking, of course, about the bathroom. The shitter. The office. The throne. Whatever you call it, the toilet has literally saved lives.
           Legend has it Thomas Edison came up with the idea for electricity while he was pinching one off. A draft came in and blew out his candle so he thought to himself, "It sure would be convenient if I had a light source that wouldn't go out when the wind blew." BOOM, electricity. If you think Alexander Graham Bell came up with the telephone somewhere other than the toilet, you my friend, are dead wrong. The automobile you ask? Yes, that's right. The toilet was the catalyst for that great invention. Henry Ford had a bad case of the runs and couldn't make it to the can quick enough to avoid an embarrassing, that's why I had to throw out my pants, story. Henry thought, "If only I had a way to get around quicker. The wheel was a pretty good idea, maybe I should build on that." Now we're paying over $4 a gallon, but that's not Henry's fault. The bathroom is, in one way or another, responsible for everything we have today. Yes, everything!
           I can sit here and write how the toilet has influenced every invention in the past 150 years, but I won't. Because I'm at work and don't have that kind of time. I'm already getting weird looks for being on a webpage called Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches.
          I do have one question about the bathroom and the advancements we've made over the years. Why can't we make a urinal that doesn't splash piss back on my legs when I use it? I mean seriously, there are a hundred different kinds of urinals out there and everyone I use splashes my own pee back on my legs. I highly doubt I'm alone on this one. Can you please tell me what's going on here? We can put a man on the moon but we can't engineer a toilet without a splashback? I don't think I have an usually strong pee flow so I need to know what I'm doing wrong. I've aimed up. I've aimed down. I've aimed to either side. One time I even aimed in the opposite direction and boy was that guy pissed on. Get it? No, but seriously he was mad! The story doesn't change though. There is always a very good chance that some of my own piss will end up back on my legs. Ridiculous.
          They have changed the urinal a lot in the past 50 years and nobody thought of this dilemma? Am I really the only one that experiences this? I will give a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich to the guy that invents the "No Splashback Urinal." You know what, you don't even need to give me the Ham Sandwich. Just let me piss in the urinal with bare legs exposed and stay dry!