Thoughts of an Idiot
Rather than write a 1,000 words on one particular topic that
none of you will read, I am going to write briefly about many topics today.
Don’t worry, I have faith you won’t read this either.
God damn New York football Giants. First game of the season,
coming out on primetime to defend your championship and you come out a little
flat. You guys didn’t play bad, but you didn’t play well either. Victor Cruz
had as many drops last night then he did all last season. On the bright side,
the secondary, which was already shorthanded, suffered another injury when CB
Michael Coe hurt his hammy late in the game. F word.
I guess the Dallas Cowboys weren’t joking around about
beating the Giants’ ass. I know it’s one game, but Dallas looked good. Tony
Romo was able to move around in the pocket and just avoid the Giants’ pass rush
(reminding me of when Donovan McNabb use to do that shit all the time against
the G-Men) and DeMarco Murray ran hard all game. Something named Kevin Ogletree
caught two touchdowns and sent millions of fantasy players to their computers
to frantically add him to their team.
How the hell does Dalton not rip out Brad Wesley’s throat at
the end of Road House?!?!? Wesley is a ruthless piece of shit that had gone to
great lengths to control the town. Oh yea, he also had your boy, Wade Garret,
killed in some fucked-up game of “Heads or Tails”. As much as you want that
sweet, sweet Dr. Elizabeth Clay ass, you got to finish the job sonnnnnnn.
Luckily, the rest of the town showed up and used Wesley as a shooting target.
The NFL replacement refs did not do a bad job last night.
Besides one miscall (calling clipping instead of block in the back) and a
three-minute conference to discuss a no-call, I thought they called a good game.
We’ll see on Sunday if this can work in the short term or if they’ll be as
incompetent as they were in the pre-season. I still don’t understand how they
could call a touchback when the Bills downed the Redskins at the 4-yard line.
Bud Selig must be feeling pretty good about himself. After
witnessing last year’s last day of the regular season where the Tampa Bay Rays
and St. Louis Cardinals snuck into the playoffs, Selig added a second wild card
team. As of this morning, 15 of the 30 teams are within five games of a playoff
spot. Six of the eight divisions have at least two teams within five games of
the top spot, including the AL East, where three teams (Yankees, Orioles, and
Rays) are all amongst each other.
I wonder where Bobby Valentine is going to work next year.
It definitely won’t be in Boston. He was supposed to right the ship. Instead,
he accelerated the ship right into the iceberg. With the salary dump of Adrian
Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, and Josh Beckett, it makes sense blow up the team and
start from scratch. That includes the 62-year old ornery Valentine.
I can’t care how juvenile it is, there is nothing funnier
than a hi-lo. You might call it table-topping, but it’s when someone kneels
behind a person and someone else pushes that person over him. My friends call
it the hi-lo and we can’t enough of it. We’ve done it in parking lots, we’ve
done it in bars, and we’ve even did it at a wedding. It works best when you can
get a lady to push, since no one ever expects them be that childish. A hi-lo has
twice resulted in a sucker punch being thrown. I received both of those sucker
punches.
The only reason people enjoy college football so much is
that it’s a legitimate reason to black out during the day. Outside of St.
Patrick’s Day and Fourth of July, you can’t do it unless you’re a full blown
alcoholic (or my roommate White Powers). Luckily, there is a loophole that
allows fans of college football to drink bourbon before noon and allows them as
many trips to the ice luge that they can handle.
Speaking of abusive alcoholism, we are six months and ten
days away from my favorite holiday of the year, Scranton Parade Day. Scranton
opens their bars at 9 am on the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day for a
boozefest of a day. They even have a parade, but they won’t just let anyone
participate in it. Trust me, I’ve tried. It’s the only day of the year I can
wear my kilt with pride. Next year will be special as this will be Henny’s
unofficial 30th birthday celebration. If you’ve never been, do
yourself a favor and hit it up. Take it from a man heading up there for an
eighth straight year, good times sonnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Why the hell is there a book about the raid to kill Osama
Bin Laden? I could easily write an entire post about this but I’ll sum it as
briefly as possible. You don’t join the Navy SEAL’s to brag about your
exploits. You do it to serve your country and be an anonymous as possible. I’m
a guy who likes to know everything behind the scenes, but this is a little
much.
Remember when Josh wrote on here? That was fun.
Jessica Simpson keeps getting fatter and Will Van Housen is
nowhere around to write about it.
Seriously, did Pat have these guys whacked before he
launches the website upon us?
Andy Roddick played his last tennis match of his career
yesterday. I’d feel bad for him that his career never reached his potential,
but he gets to go home and fuck Brooklyn Decker. I now hate him.
Former Baltimore Ravens owner Art Modell died this morning.
I won’t say anything bad about him. I’ll let all the Cleveland Brown fans do
that for me.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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