Hey Punxsutawney Phil, go fuck yourself!
February is here. For a small town in western Pennsylvania that means a big day is right around the corner. By right around the corner I mean February 2nd. By big day I mean Groundhog day. For those of you who haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day, wait what? How have you not seen that movie? Anyway, it's classic Bill Murray and it's fantastic. I'm not really worried too much about the movie for this post, I'd like to focus on the actual event and what it's about. However, my only reference for the actual holiday is the movie.
On February 2nd in a small town called Punxsutawney an extraordinary event takes place. According to legend, a magical groundhog named Phil can predict the coming of an early Spring. So every year, hundreds maybe even thousands of hicks gather in this little shit-hole town to watch this spectacle. The only thing I really know about the holiday came from watching the movie approximately 1,679 times. I told you, it's classic Bill Murray and I'll watch it whenever it's on. So in the movie, they gather around the part of town called Gobbler's Knob. (insert blow job joke here) They party all night, singing and dancing around burning barrels. They listen to Polka music and really hick it up. It's quite a show. Then, very early on February 2nd, the magic happens.
Again, pulling all this from the movie, a couple guys in tuxedos make a couple announcements. Then they wrap on Phil's door, reach in and pull the little bastard out. After they "talk" to the groundhog, they read from a scroll that tells us if Phil saw his shadow.
Here's the rundown: If he sees his shadow, it's 6 more weeks of Winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, it's an early Spring. Common sense would tell you if it's sunny that day, he would see his shadow. If it's cloudy, he probably won't. Well if you know anything about hicks, they don't have much common sense. So the actual weather that day has nothing to do with it. If you saw earlier that they read from a scroll, that would also tell you that this whole thing is predetermined anyway. All these people get amped up to see if it's going to be warm soon, or continue to be cold until actual Spring. Wow.
They managed to get a holiday, a movie, and everyone's attention to watch a groundhog look for his shadow to tell you if Spring weather will come on March 20th (the vernal equinox) or somehow earlier. What a country.
Well Phil, I got news for you. Spring weather is already here and has been for months now. So take your stupid holiday and all the hicks (yea I used that word a lot but I like it and it works) that pay attention to it and stick it up your little groundhog ass. The seasons are determined by the tilt of the Earth's axis and it's orbit around the Sun. Not by some overgrown rat with a hick following in Pennsylvania. The actual weather, judging by this year, doesn't care about the seasons anyway. So for Groundhog day this year, I'll take out my Gobblers Knob, see it's shadow and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from a bum in southern PA. Yea I'll take the ride up there to prove a point.
a real hick would shoot punxatawny phil and eat him if they saw him anyway. and why a groundhog? im sure ther are much better animals to predict the weather than a giant rat. makes absolutely no sense. i would rather believe a goose or a duck. if you see them its a pretty good sign that spring is here. fucking groundhogs dont know shit. probably better than tom clark and the idiots on the weather channel though. those retards get paid for making guesses and being wrong 99 percent of the time. kinda funny if you ask me. they get paid good too and call themselves weather experts. they may be experts at gettin a handjob for a weather prediction but thats about it. oh well, i dont think the weather is gonna matter this year anyway. some retarded mayan predicted that the world is gonna end this year anyway. i wonder if the groundhog is gonna see his shadow before that happens. or maybe we can ask a squirrel.
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