You Can't Avoid Boyd - When You Gotta Go

When You Gotta Go

Gerard Depardieu and Robert Vietze have probably never met, but they share a lot in common. They are both famous for their respective crafts, they are both capable of boarding an airplane while intoxicated, and both are obnoxious assholes who have no problem treating a plane like a urinal.

Gerard Depardieu is regarded as the greatest French actor of all-time, which is like being anointed the coolest kid with Down syndrome. His American claim to fame is he played Cyrano de Bergerac and starred in a few romantic comedies in the early 1990s. Otherwise, he’s been in a bunch of movies you have never heard of. Last week, while awaiting his delayed flight to Dublin to take off, he told a flight attendant he needed to use the bathroom. She informed him he had to wait 15 minutes as the plane was about to take off and the bathrooms were locked. The French star said he couldn’t wait and proceeded to unzip his pants and urinate on the carpet. This prompted the flight to be delayed an additional two hours as the plane returned to the gate to be cleaned up. A passenger told a local radio station that Depardieu had been drinking. The airline acknowledged Depardieu had urinated on the aircraft but did not mention if he was drunk or if they would press charges. While the French are stereotyped as pussies, this shows balls.

18-year-old Robert Vietze was an up-and-coming skier with dreams of representing the U.S. Ski Team in the 2014 Winter Games. Key word being was as Vietze decided he wanted to represent America as a drunken slap dick, not as a skier. On August 12^th, Vietze stood up during his cross continental flight, stumbled a few rows towards an 11-year-old girl, and treated this girl like a toilet seat. The girl was by herself as her father and her sister were in the restrooms. Upon the father seeing the skier pissing on his daughter, he did what any normal dad would have done: he lost his shit and wanted to beat the fuck out of Vietze. Flight attendants separated the men while Vietze slurred that he had an accident. I should point out this is not the worst thing to happen to this family recently. The father was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. On the cancer scale, stage 4 is the most severe stage. It doesn’t mean death automatically, but it does involve fighting for your life to survive. Vietze admitted to police he had consumed eight alcoholic beverages before boarding the plane. He was going to be charged with indecent exposure, but federal prosecutors dropped the case. It appears the underage drunk has been unofficially kicked off the team.

Despite my blackout ways, I have always controlled where I urinated. I know I am in the minority as many of my friends have pissed themselves or pissed in ridiculous places while drunk. I don’t know why I can hold it in while Double Down treats an air mattress like a trough. I realize Depardieu and Vietze would probably never have done these acts if not for the influence of alcohol. It still doesn’t excuse them for what they did. These sacks of shit deserve worse than not be able to ski or act in the next French movie. Maybe a tit for tat punishment and let someone whiz on them. Maybe something more severe like earning ham sandwiches for the day to feed the homeless. While people pee on them.

-Written by Marcus Boyd