Charles Barkley once told America
that he was not a role model. His argument was just because he is an athlete
doesn’t necessarily make him a role model. There was much public debate if all
athletes are role models. One thing that isn’t up for debate is that all
athletes should never star in a movie.
This week’s “Worst in Hollywood”
post will focus on athletes who think they can act.
Shaq: It’s understandable
why Hollywood thought it would be a good idea to put Shaq on the big screen.
He’s very charismatic in real life. He often gives funny sound bites during
interviews. He has more nicknames than me. In “Blue Chips”, he basically played
himself. Then, the writers evolved him into an acting train wreck. He was a
rapping genie in “Kazaam” and a super hero in “Steel”. “Kazaam: is regarded as
one of the worst films of all time and “Steel” made $1.7 million in the box
office (despite a $16 million budget). Shaq was nominated for two Razzie awards
in his acting career for Worst New Star (“Blue Chips”) and Worst Actor
(“Steel”). Luckily, he stopped making movies (and rapping for that matter) and
just decided to dunk on people and ask Kobe how his ass taste.
Hulk Hogan: Growing up as
a boy in the 1980’s, you were either a Hulkamaniac or a communist. Hulk Hogan
was the tits. His acting skills, however, was the gooch. Never applauded for
his wrestling technical skills, Hogan brought his stiff repertoire to “No Holds
Barred”, playing a wrestler who defeated an evil wrestling empire. He followed
this up with “Suburban Commando” and “Mr. Nanny”, where he serves as some sort
of babysitter while inspiring the father in each movie to stop being such a
pussy and nut up. Both movies bombed horrifically.
Gheorghe Muresan and Michael
Jordan: Both starred in one film and both sucked in it. Muresan played the
giant in “My Giant” (he’s 7’7”) and then disappeared from the face of the
Earth. Michael Jordan defeated aliens (who stole the skills of several NBA
players) in “Space Jam” by extending his arm from the half court line and dunking
in the final seconds. “Space Jam” took in over $90 million worldwide, or what
MJ calls six hands of blackjack.
Dennis Rodman: He starred
in two movies and his co-stars were Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dane Cook, need I
say more. “Double Team” got Rodman three Razzie wins: Worst New Star, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst
Screen Couple (with JCVD). “Simon Sez” made less than $300,000.
The Rock: He starred as a
quarterback in “The Game Plan” who gives up on football to raise his bastard
daughter. He also starred in “The Tooth Fairy”. I never saw either but based on
the Wikipedia descriptions, both sound excruciatingly bad.
We have yet to see a professional
athlete headline in a good movie. However, many of them have made great cameos
to critical acclaim. OJ Simpson killed it in the “Naked Gun” trilogy (pun
intended). Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stole the scene as a pilot in “Airplane”. The
Farrelly brothers used Cam Neely (Sea Bass in “Dumb and Dumber”) and Roger
Clemens (Skidmark in “Kingpin”) flawlessly. Alex Karras received great reviews
in “Blazing Saddles”. In moderation, athletes can add to a film. If overused,
we’re subjected to Shaq Fu rapping out of a genie bottle.
This week’s “Props to a Black
Dude” goes to Carl Weathers. He had a brief professional football career before
turning to acting. He played Apollo Creed in the first four “Rocky” movies.
Unfortunately, Sly Stallone never threw in the damn towel and Creed was killed
by the fists of Ivan Drago. Luckily, Stallone avenged Creed’s death by beating
Drago in Russia on Christmas and ended the Cold War. Weathers went on to play
the black dude in “Predator”. Continuing his typecast as the guy who eventually
dies, Weathers played Chubbs Peterson in “Happy Gilmore”. Weathers was last
seen giving Tobias Funke his stew recipe in “Arrested Development” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq310KKObeM).
Carl Weathers, you showed us that it is possible to be good at sports and
acting. God bless you.
-Written by Marcus Boyd 
No comments:
Post a Comment