With February coming to a close,
this is the last post for the “Worst in Hollywood”/”Props to a Black Dude”
series. If you liked it, great. If not, eat a dick. Today, we talk about the
worst movie of all-time, “Freddy Got Fingered”.
First off, I hope Stains isn’t
reading this, because this will break his heart. There are a few things about
Stains you need to know. He is a successful accountant, he is surprisingly
athletic, and he is the biggest Tom Green fan ever. He loved his show and was
beyond excited when he heard Green was going to a star in a movie.
The Friday the movie debuted,
Stains bought 12 tickets early for it for him and his friends. He didn’t want
to chance that the movie will sell out and he’d be left in the cold. Remember,
this was 2001, we were all in high school, and alcohol, drugs, and pussy had
yet to consume our free time. Unfortunately, he forgot to grab tickets for me
and another friend. I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to get in as movies on
the weekends typically sold out. Upon arriving minutes before the start time
and waiting in a long line, we were able to get the tickets. Once we walked in,
there were only 16 people in attendance, 14 of them being our crew. This was
the first sign that this movie might not be worth our time and money.
90 minutes later, it was
confirmed: the movie was crap. Sure, I laughed at some of it, but the movie was
god awful. If you never saw the movie, you can Wikipedia it, but Green plays a
failed cartoonist who moves in with his parents after he is fired from the
cheese sandwich factory. Like his MTV show, the movie is scattered with shock
and gross-out humor. The original cut of this movie was rated NC-17, but it was
toned down to receive an R rating. It also co-stars Don Geiss from “30 Rock”,
the chick from “Airplane”, the dude who bangs Stifler’s mom in the “American
Pie” movies, and the female cop in “Super Troopers”.
The critics didn’t sugarcoat
their thoughts on the movie. Several prominent movie critics gave the movie
zero stars out of four, while the Toronto Sun thought it was so bad, it created
a new scale and gave it negative one stars. The movie won five Razzie awards
out of eight nominations, highlighted by Green accepting the awards in person.
I don’t want to contribute Tom Green’s demise to this movie, but this was
probably the start of his decline.
On a positive note, it has
achieved a cult like following and did not win the “Worst Picture of the
Decade” Razzie (“Battlefield Earth” took that honor.) Plus, Stains is only one
of two people I know to have owned this DVD. If he ever gets married, I am
bringing up this fact during the best man speech, whether I am the best man or
some blacked out guest.
This week’s “Props to a Black
Dude” goes to Greg Oden, who probably needs some cheering up after his latest
knee surgery. He hasn’t had any good news since becoming a pro since some naked
pictures were leaked on the Internet, showing off his monster dong. He was one
of the top high school basketball players in the country before committing to
Ohio State. He would have been the top pick in the NBA draft, but had to go to
college for at least one year. In that one year, he was an All-American and led
the Buckeyes to the championship game.
He came out for the 2007 NBA
draft, being viewed as the top pick. However, Kevin Durant was also vying for
the top spot. The Portland Trailblazers had the top pick and took Oden first,
adhering to the “You can’t teach size” rule. They adhered to that rule in 1984
when they drafted Sam Bowie over some guy named Michael Jordan. Just like in
1984, this pick bit Portland in the ass.
Greg Oden has had four knee
surgeries (three of them micro-fracture) in his brief pro career. He has only
played in 82 games in his five years with Portland, which is the length of one
normal NBA season. He hasn’t played since December 2009. In the same time,
Durant has become one of the best players in the league. Props to Greg Oden,
who needs something good in his life.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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