You Can't Avoid Boyd - White Halloween Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: White Halloween Edition

I’m writing this post earlier this week as I’ll be in Las Vegas/San Diego for most of this week. The second installment of this series will feature the “Nightmare on M Street” bar crawl in DC and Halloween. I know what you are thinking; “Boyd, you are writing about traveling, and one of your spots is Washington DC, a place ten minutes away from your house?” My response: whatever….fuck you. Let’s get to it:

Thumbs up for Halloween in general. There are few holidays we get to enjoy throughout our whole life. Halloween cracks this list. As a baby, your mom dresses you as something adorable and everyone loves it. As a kid, you get to go door-to-door, Willy Loman style, in your costume and strangers just give you candy (The only time it is acceptable to take a stranger’s candy.) As a young adult, you get fubar in a costume and interact with other drunk individuals. The sillier the costume, the better the results. Good times all around.

Thumbs down to this year’s weather. The early forecast for this past weekend’s festivities called for mid-40s and a chance of rain. I would have taken that in a heartbeat if I knew what was to come. Instead, it was flurrying most of the night. Snow flurries could have put a damper on the annual slutty costumefest. Factor in the snow that douched my hometown and it was as if God was trying to cock block all my friends.

Thumbs up to the slutty warriors. Neither rain, nor hail, nor snow, nor frigid conditions would stop these girls from getting their whore on. Sure, they may have covered themselves with jackets and hats on the streets, but once inside, their inhibitions went out the window. I don’t know what possesses a girl to be a nurse or cop with exposed jacked up cleavage, but who am I to solve this awesome mystery.

Thumbs down to this year’s costumes. I was expecting to see a lot of Lady Gaga and Charlie Sheen costumes. The Lady Gaga’s were pretty creative, but the Charlie Sheen’s were lacking. Most had a generic Indians jersey and hat, with an ironed on “Wild Thing” on the back. No tiger blood, no blow, no insane sayings, nothing creative. Come on people. I did not see one Casey Anthony outfit. Halloween isn’t just throwing on a wig. You are better than that. I went as a Smurf for God’s sakes (Papa Smurf to be exact, with the girlfriend as Smurfette.)

Thumbs up to the bar crawl. Lindy Promotions for the 12^th straight year has run this bar crawl in the midtown area. Despite the weather, it was a pretty good turnout. It started out slow, but the bars were packed by the end of the night. Some bars were more popular than others, so being a veteran of these bar crawls helps. For instance, you want to start out at the empty bars and begin to tie one on, and head to a popular bar in the middle of the night before it gets too crowded. If you wait too long, you’ll be standing in line forever. Kudos for “Bread & Brew” for once again making their infamous green jello shots with tequila. It tastes like pure liquor, but it gets you where you need to be for $1. $5 later, Papa Surf was where he needed to be.

Thumbs down to the bar crawl. There were some negatives to the bar crawl as well. Obviously, they couldn’t control the weather, but they can control the crowd. If I would have attended the event for the first time, I’d be angry that I couldn’t get into any good bar after 9:30 pm. Either limit the wristbands you sell or provide better detail. Also, the bar crawl included $2 Coors Lite. Really, you couldn’t get a different sponsor than Coors Lite?!? I’ll drink it if I had to, but very few people I know drink it voluntarily. If I am trying to get my crawl on, at least give me a Bud Light or a Miller Lite. Coors Lite and having sex on the beach have the same thing in common: it’s both fucking close to water. For $3, I could have had a Blue Moon, but that’s not a consumption beer. That’s a sipping beer. Also, “Recessions” could have done a better job not serving us skunked beer. All eight of the beers they served us were skunked to a degree. Granted, we drank them, but that’s because we are scumbags.

When it was all said and done, I survived my first White Halloween. The girlfriend and I had the best Smurfs costume on M Street as many people asked to take pictures with us. Even more impressive, I managed to wash off the blue face paint before passing out face first, per my usual Saturday night ritual. Face down, smurf up, that’s the way Boyd passes out on the weekend sonnnnnn.

-Written by Marcus Boyd

Next week: An extremely edited post about Las Vegas for a bachelor party and San Diego for a wedding.