Boyd’s 2012 AFC Preview
Over the next two weeks, I will be giving my NFL preview
with my Super Bowl prediction. I am capable of doing this because I can throw
shit against the wall and have some of it stick (Last year, I successfully
predicted 7 of the 12 playoff teams.) On the other hand, I am also a complete
fucking idiot (I predicted the Giants to miss the playoffs and fire Tom
Coughlin. They won the Super Bowl.) This week, I’ll preview the AFC with little
snippets about each team. Bold teams win the division, and teams with asterisks
are wild cards bitches. If you want me to predict each team’s record, you can
fuck your dick.
AFC East
New England Patriots. They are the top team in the
conference. They have the best coach in the game today, one of the best QB’s of
all-time, and a receiving core headlined by their shirtless, Zubaz-wearing frat
bro tight end. I can’t see how this team doesn’t win the division. If Rob
Gronkowski was healthy for last year’s Super Bowl or Wes Welker catches a pass
in the 4th quarter, this team would be the defending champions.
Instead, they enter the year as the favorites and hungry.
Buffalo Bills. This team spent a lot of money to become
relevant again. They signed the best free agent on the market, DE Mario
Williams, hoping for Reggie White 2.0. In the early 1990’s, the Green Bay
Packers, who were struggs for over a decade, surprised many by signing the
elite DE free agent. As a result, they became an annual contender and even won
a Super Bowl. Unfortunately for the Bills, Brett Farve is not walking through
that door. Harvard alum Ryan Fitzpatrick showed he is capable of greatness (his
first few starts last season), but he is also capable of sucking balls (the
rest of his career.) I’m banking on the ball sucking.
New York Jets. This team is a train wreck waiting to happen.
After last year’s debacle (lost their last three games, fighting amongst one
another, and missing the playoffs), Rex Ryan decided to back off his traditional
Super Bowl guarantee and be more hands-on. His attempt to avoid controversy
went out the window when the Jets acquired Tim Tebow. Incumbent starting QB
Mark Sanchez needed competition, but not against the most popular player in the
league. You’ll know the Jets fans will be cheering for Tebow the first time
Sanchez throws a pick or goes three and out. Once Tebow throws his first
two-hopper to a receiver, they’ll want Sanchize back in their lives. This is
the Sophie’s Choice of crappy quarterbacks. One spark and this team is going to
blow up big time.
Miami Dolphins. Ryan Tannehill’s wife is hot and Jake Long’s
wife is pretty cute. That is all the positives about this year’s team. They
hired Joe Philbin to boringly build this team from scratch. Based on the two
“Hard Knocks” episodes I’ve seen, he doesn’t get jokes and this team should be
drafting pretty high in 2013. On the bright side, the state of Florida doesn’t
have a state tax.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens. This team is going to miss Terrell
Suggs, but Joe Flacco and Ray Rice should still take the division. If not for
the last minute meltdown last year in Foxboro, they’d have won the AFC
championship. Instead, Billy Cundiff was real sad and Lee Evans is never
allowed in the state of Maryland. Looks like he’s not eating crab cakes anytime
soon sonnnnnnnn. Also, Ray Lewis just celebrated his 12th
anniversary for legally getting away with murder.
*Pittsburgh Steelers. NFL defenses and Georgia law
enforcement couldn’t stop Ben Roethlisberger, but his offensive line might.
Once a dominant line, the group’s play has declined over the years.
Roethlisberger seems to take a beating every year and seems to be one big hit
away from becoming Terri Schiavo. Having said that, the team is still talented,
Ben (everyone in the media just calls him Ben) isn’t dead yet, and they should
take one of the wild care spots. Plus, Ben and new offensive coordinator, Todd
Haley, look like the type of dudes who finger blast, don’t wash their hands,
and then run it under the noses of their friends the next day.
Cincinnati Bengals. This young team came together last year
and took the last AFC playoff spot. While I don’t expect them to fall apart
completely, some regression is likely. You can call it a sophomore jinx, but I
call it the schedule. The division is pretty tough and this is a team who has
struggled against the Cleveland Browns over the years. Andy Dalton may be the
greatest ginger football player of our generation, beating out no one.
Cleveland Browns. They had two first round picks this year.
RB Trent Richardson has had two knee surgeries in 2012 and QB Brandon Weeden is
six months younger than me. Also, God hates the city of Cleveland. On the
bright side, the Browns’ new owner was a minority owner of their hated rival
Steelers.
AFC South
Houston Texans. The Texans were stuck in mediocrity
until last year when they won their division and a playoff game. This team
could be a Super Bowl contender, but two of their offensive weapons, QB Matt
Schaub and WR Andre Johnson, are brittle as fuck. The team played without
Schaub down the stretch, but relied on its running game and defense to win
games. Asking TJ Yates to do anything beyond hold a clipboard is idiotic. Their
offensive line was gutted by free agency and cuts, but they will look to be one
of the top rushing teams again.
Tennessee Titans. I wanted to give this team a wild card
spot, but I couldn’t. They are hoping that young QB Jake Locker can lead this
team, that Chris Johnson shows off his skills that made him “CJ2K” in 2009, and
Kenny Britt can stop being a fuck up. That’s a lot of question marks. Still,
this is a team on the rise, especially playing in this division. Personal note,
Stains wanted the Giants to draft Britt over Hakeem Nicks. What an idiot.
Indianapolis Colts. Forget everything you remember about the
Colts. The Colts we remember were expected to win 12 games a year. This team
might not get to 12 wins until Week 10 in 2013. They hit the restart button
after their disastrous 2011 season, but they lucked out (no pun intended) by
getting can’t-miss QB Andrew Luck. They will struggle this year, but they won’t
be a pushover. Colt fans should rejoice that they’ll cheer for only two
starting QB’s over a 25-year span (barring any injuries).
Jacksonville Jaguars. This team blows. Tim Tebow would
rather be the backup of the Jets than the starter of this team. Their first
round pick this year, WR Justin Blackmon, hates driving sober. On the bright
side, Blaine Gabbert can’t be any worse than he was last year. The bar has been
set that low.
AFC West
Denver Broncos. In case you don’t ever watch ESPN,
Peyton Manning is on the Broncos. This team snuck into the playoffs last year
and won a playoff game. This was despite running an offense that set back the
forward pass 50 years. Manning inherits a team with a good running game, solid
young receivers, a good offensive line, and a great defense. If Manning is 75%
of his normal self, this team should easily hit 10 wins. One may wonder though
how Manning will play after missing all of 2011 and playing all his games but
one outside.
*San Diego Chargers. Betting on Norv Turner to do well is
like splitting kings in blackjack; you can win but you will most likely lose
and people will laugh at you. However, Phillip Rivers is capable of being a top
5 QB, his best receiver, TE Antonio Gates, is healthy again, and they are lousy
with tall, fast wide receivers. They need to avoid their annual multi-game
losing streak, but if they do, this team can shock the league. Please note I
already feel queasy with the pick and it is mid-August.
Kansas City Chiefs. A lot of people think the Chiefs are a
sleeper this year. I’m not a lot of people. Their running game has some
questions, but if Jamaal Charles is healthy and if the 2010 Peyton Hillis shows
up, watch out. However, when your QB is Matt Cassel, it means your running game
better be good because your passing game is garbage. I know people are excited
Romeo Crennel was named the head coach in the offseason, but this may be false
optimism. Sure, Crennel looks better than Todd Haley, but so would Corky from
“Like Goes On”. We’ll see if Crennel learned anything from his first head
coaching stint in Cleveland, where he looked very confused and diabetic, on
this second go-around.
Oakland Raiders. After Al Davis passed away at the age of
300, the Raiders decided to change their approach. Instead of relying on their
outdated swagger and passing games of big arm throwers & insanely fast
receivers who couldn’t catch the clap, new management is attempting to rebuild
the whole team. Sure, their team looks the same as last year, but Rome wasn’t
built in a day. The team will slowly build the roster and organization the way
they want to, but it’ll take years to accomplish. As for this year, they’ll be
a pain in the ass for everyone else in the division. On the bright side, Darren
McFadden should put up awesome fantasy numbers in the seven games he’s healthy
for.
Coaches That’ll Hit the Bricks
Rex Ryan-This is how bad I think the Jets are going to
implode this year. I am sure him and his sensei won’t have problem finding work
though.
Marvin Lewis- He’s been on the firing block for the last few
years. Even the Great Red Head and AJ Green can’t help him keep his job.
Pat Shurmur- This isn’t even a prediction, it’s going to
happen. New ownership + bad coach = beat it nerd.
Chan Gailey and Norv Turner will be saved based on my
predictions. If I’m wrong, sayonara
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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