You Can't Avoid Boyd

The Only Gambling Problem I Have is When the Blackjack Dealer Hits a Six-Card 21

Some may say I have a gambling problem. I don’t think that’s true, but I consider it one of my two vices (booze would be the first.) Sure, I might have known what a trifecta was before I knew girls didn’t have coodies, and I might have bet on the national anthem or a coin flip before, and I might have gone on multiple 24-hour gambling runs, but I consider gambling a hobby I control. I’ve had good days and I’ve had bad days. I have ten years experience in casinos all over North America (Thanks Mom for sneaking me into the Atlantic City Bally’s as an underage kid) and there are two things that really chap my ass about them.

First, gamblers like to smoke. I don’t know why it goes hand and hand, but it apparently does. While most social settings have banned smoking in our health conscious society, casinos are behind the times. Atlantic City tried to ban smoking from its casinos, but it only lasted for about 45 minutes after smokers caused an uproar. Some casinos have separate smoking gaming areas and non-smoking gaming areas. I am fine with that, except not all casinos do that. I do not know why I have to be subjected to cigarette smoke if I want to play blackjack. I don’t get why someone can blow smoke in my face at a gaming table, yet I can’t fart in their faces. If I did that, I would be removed from the casino due to my faux pas. Yet, some doucher can blow secondhand smoke at me and think nothing of it.

Second, not all casinos serve free alcoholic drinks or serve drinks all day. Seriously, what the fuck?!? These casinos are making billions, yet they can’t serve me a 7 & 7 on the house. In Atlantic City, Las Vegas, and New Orleans, the drinks are free 24/7. However, many states (Pennsylvania, Delaware, and West Virginia for example) have recently opened casinos as a way of generating income. Yet, some charge for their drinks and/or only serve them during certain hours. I am prepared to lose my paycheck at craps, but I draw the line at having to pay for a gin and tonic. You have to be 21 years old to be in a casino. It shouldn’t be a problem giving these legal age gamblers a free drink at 4 am as long as these people aren‘t too intoxicated.

Finally, the following people at the casino deserve the following type of STD:

People who play slots: As Kevin Spacey in “21” said, “Slots are for losers.” I don’t get how people voluntarily go to a casino to play the slot machines. How is pushing a button while seeing flashy lights repeatedly while winning nickels fun? The only people who should be allowed to play slots are significant others who are only at the casino to support their serious gambling partner. Basically, it should be like a day care center. Chlamydia.

Unfriendly dealers: Come on dealers. You get paid the same whether we win or lose. However, if you seem interested in our well-being, we will tip you when we do well. Don’t be afraid to offer us house advice when we have doubts. Herpes.

The person who only plays one hand of a game: Thanks for donating $10 to the casino to play one losing hand while fucking up the rhythm of the table just because you rock at free online blackjack and had a feeling you'd break the bank. Whatever Dan has.

People who don’t know the rules of blackjack: If you don’t know the rules of blackjack, become friends with the person who rocks at free online blackjack and have that person explain it to you. It’s not OK to hit when you have a 12 if the dealer is showing a 6. You should hit on 14 with the dealer showing a 9. Never spilt kings. One mistake can screw over everyone at the table for many rounds. AIDS

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

(Editor’s Note: Boyd wrote this post at 5am on Sunday after he donated some money to a Northeast PA casino as he was high off of the high oxygen the casinos pump and sober as shit.)