What Makes a Man a Man

          It's Father's Day today and that got me thinking. What is it that makes a man a man? Not necessarily a father, but a man. We all know what makes a father a father. Providing for your child, being a part of their life, teaching them the important skills they need to survive and make something of themselves. You know, not being a deadbeat piece of shit who doesn't take responsibility. But, what I'm talking about is what makes a man a man.

          I was BBQing yesterday with a couple friends in my back yard. As the Rolling Rock flowed an amazing rush came over me. Grilling meat while drinking beer is one of those things you can do that makes you feel like a man. I'm talking about getting ground beef from the store, adding your favorite ingredients, pounding burgers into a nice round shape and throwing them on the grill. Yea, maybe the grill needs to be cleaned and there are still remnants from weeks past, but so what? It's my grill. While the burgers cook just the way you like them, you crack open a brew. Now if that doesn't make you feel like a man, I don't know what will.

         That really got me thinking again. What else can you do that will make you feel like a man? Most of the scenarios I thought about had beer in the equation. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I certainly feel part of being a man is drinking beer. Not that super low calorie shit either. I had a sample of MGD 64 today and was surprised I found anything that tastes worse than Coors Light. If you're going to drink that garbage, just get a wine cooler and a rainbow shirt because that beer is about as gay as four dudes blowing five dudes. Let's get back to man talk.

         What's another thing I can do to make me feel like a man, you ask? Chopping wood with an axe is a great way to make you feel manly. Take a nice big axe and a pile of un-chopped wood and just go to town for a while. Take your shirt off, spit in your hands, grunt and curse. I would suggest waiting till you were done to start drinking beer but it's absolutely part of the plan. The word lumberjack and man go hand in hand. So anything you can do to imitate a lumberjack is a good start. When you're all done I want you to sit there and look at the pieces of wood, the calluses on your hands and the used axe head and tell me you don't feel like a man.

          "There have be other things I can do, Pat. I don't like chopping wood." Well, pussy, you're in luck. There are a couple other things you can do if the thought of chopping wood doesn't give you one. Pull your car into the garage, pop the hood, take out your tool box and start turning some wrenches. Whether it's changing the oil, or replacing your brakes, even just checking the fluid levels is pretty manly. If you want to make it official you have to get dirty though. Put the car up on some jack stands and take the tire off. You don't have to do anything to it, but every man should know how to change a tire, so get some practice. I changed my brake pads a couple months ago and as I sat there afterwards with bottle of Lager I had that overwhelming feeling of "man" rush over me. So next time you feel like a little bitch, go out and put in some work on your car and you'll start to feel better.

           "I don't know anything about cars and I don't like chopping wood, what can I do?" Well it's pretty obvious that you are, in fact, a woman and don't need to feel like a man. So don't worry about it. However, I'll throw a couple more things at you just in case. Another part about being a man, as far as I'm concerned, is being chivalrous. Opening doors for women, pulling the car around when it's raining, carrying the heavy stuff and giving orgasms are some of the little things that a man should do. No questions asked. I don't want to hear anything from women about equality and how independent you are either. If I hold a door for you, or offer to carry something, I'm doing it because I'm a man and that's what I'm supposed to do. Not because I'm trying to keep you down or whatever so just say thank you and like it! Around the house handy work is pretty manly. Anything you can do yourself without having to pay someone else is, in most cases, is pretty manly. So I want you to go out there and see what makes you feel like a man. I'm sure I didn't mention everything.

           Even as I sit here and write this blog, with a beer open and hot sauce on my pizza, I feel like a man. And in an hour or so when I hop in my car with a Ham Sandwich and park behind the liquor store, I'm still going to feel like man. So, next time you're in the dumps about how big of a pussy you are, get an axe or a tool box and get your "man" on.