You Can't Avoid Boyd

Sweet Old Lady or The “Diaper Bomber”?

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has received plenty of scrutiny this past week over a June 18^th incident. According to reports, TSA officials forced a 95-year-old woman, stricken with leukemia & bound to a wheelchair, to remove her adult diapers when questions arose during her pat down at a Florida airport. The woman’s daughter, Jean Weber, filed a complaint against TSA, telling the press “It’s something I couldn’t imagine happening on American soil.” As an opinionated blogger, this stuff better happen on American soil.

On Sunday, TSA reviewed the incident and said everything was done by the book. Per protocol, they patted down the 95-year-old as all people in wheelchairs are subjected to the pat down. After determining something suspicious on her leg, they assisted the woman into a private secluded room to further continue the inspection. It said it never forced the woman (who has not had her name released) to remove her adult diaper. Weber confirmed this, saying it was her idea to remove the diaper once officials informed the pair they wouldn’t be allowed to board their flight until they can inspect her diaper. TSA allowed Weber to get her checked-in luggage as she did not bring an extra diaper with her, but she declined as she was not sure how long that would take and did not want to miss her flight. The suspicious feeling ended up being a soiled diaper. The 95-year-old was cleared by TSA officials but had to fly back to Michigan commando unfortunately.

First off, I would have viewed this ordeal as God’s way of saying “Don’t go to Michigan, ever.” Second, I have never had to be the responsible caretaker for someone who wore diapers (babies, incontinent, or elderly) before, but if I were, I’d probably keep an extra diaper or two in my carry-on bag if we were flying. Last, a lot of people are viewing this episode as abuse of power. They are questioning how a government agency can take the last of an elderly woman’s dignity by subjecting her to this. What were the chances this woman had a bomb in her diaper? Extremely low, but there was still a chance. We live in a world where people have successfully boarded a plane with a bomb in their shoes & underwear, and where people were able to take control of four planes while wielding box cutters. We have developed a system where the government is trying to stop this. They can’t just randomly select Muslims at an airport security checkpoint for additional searches. That’s called racial profiling. Everyone has to be treated the same. Suspicions arose during her pat down. A pat down anyone in a wheelchair would have gotten. She wasn’t selected because of her age or gender or arbitrarily.

It’s unfortunate this innocent woman had to go through this, but TSA did its job. Whether it’s a child or the elderly, this agency needs to make sure it does everything in its legal capacity to make sure each airline passenger is not a threat to national security. Since 9/11, the rules have changed. We have to remove our shoes now before going through the metal detector. We have full body scan machines. We can’t masturbate on airplanes anymore (Thanks a lot Bin Laden.) Sure, its inconvenience, but without it, we could possibly have 9/11 times 2,356. And nobody knows what that is.

          -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom - Steak Edition

          It's Wednesday and I've got some serious Words of Wisdom for you. I grilled one of my best steaks last night and it made me think. Why do people continually ruin steak? I'm talking putting A.1. or a house steak sauce on it. I know they are called steak sauces but they have no business on a correctly cooked piece of meat. So my Words of Wisdom for today are this; learn how to properly season and grill a steak and leave the steak sauce on the shelf.
     
          When it comes to steak you really need to take pride in it. Don't just buy it at the supermarket, open it up and throw it on the grill. Take care of it a little. Get a dry rub or a marinade together and let it sit for a day. Whatever you like, don't be afraid to experiment. I'll tell you what I used last night. Salt, fresh ground pepper, a little paprika, some garlic powder and a pinch of chili powder. I put what I figured would be a good amount of each and let it sit in the fridge overnight. You can use a liquid marinade if you'd like, but I would poke a couple holes in the meat to help the juices get in there. Either way you do it, you have to treat your meat with some respect and spice it up.  

          Another big part of grilling a great steak is knowing your limits. Don't be shy about going online and getting some grilling tips from the pros. You'd listen to Ray Allen if you wanted advice on shooting a three pointer right? Well there are some serious professionals out there when it comes to grilling meats. So put your pride on hold for a second and get some advice. I listen to Bobby Flay when it comes to anything on the grill but there are others out there, you just have to get your search on. One of the tips I'd like to pass on is to take the meat out of the fridge about an hour before you cook it to let it get down to room temperature. It'll make for better grilling and ensure the inside is just the way you like it.
           The time and temperature you use depends on the cut of meat and the thickness. So you'll have to do some experimenting to figure it out. When you're not quite sure, cut into the thickest part and see what it looks like in there. You only want to do this once or twice, don't check it every minute and have slices all over your steak. I've been cooking steaks about an inch thick on medium high heat. Maybe seven or eight minutes on one side and five or six on the other. This will all vary depending on the grill you have and the amount of propane or coals you're using. The important thing is to grill it 60% on one side and 40% on the other. Only flip ONCE! Every time you flip it over all that flavorful juice gets wasted on the burners below. So make sure you only turn it over once.

           Finally, sit back and enjoy it. Get a nice big steak knife, cut off a generous chunk and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Don't you dare get steak sauce and drown out all that natural steak flavor. A.1. is good, don't get me wrong. Maybe use some of it in a marinade or put it on another part of the dinner you fucked up. Just don't put it on the steak! If you go to a real steak house, they don't even have steak sauce there. If you try and ask for some, the chef will get pretty offended. Why? Because he made a great steak and you'd be an asshole if you ruined it with that shit. Again, learn how to season and grill a steak and leave the sauce on the shelf.

           Now, I'm not a professional by any means. But I'm not afraid to toot my horn on this one. I'm pretty damn good at grilling meat. So let these Words sink in and next time you're going to eat a steak, you'll thank me. I once knew a guy that used steak sauce all the time. I actually saw him last week behind the mini-mart. And wouldn't you know it, he put A.1. sauce on the Ham Sandwich I gave him. It was a damn shame.

     

What should I change my name to?

          In case you haven't heard, Ron Artest, of the Los Angeles Lakers is petitioning to legally change his name. He wouldn't be the first professional athlete to do this. Chad "Johnson" Ochocinco changed his name to match his number in Spanish a few years ago. Why? Who knows, the guy isn't even Spanish. But it was funny and he ended paying over a million bucks to buy up all the old "Johnson" jerseys before they would start making "Ochocinco" ones. So where will Artest go with his name change? Given his past history of weird shit, there isn't much that will surprise me.

          Wait, what? (thanks for everything Norm, sorry to hear about the cancellation) He's going to change his name to Metta World Peace?? Metta, for those wondering, is the philosophy and practice of universal love. It's okay, I had to read it a couple times to take it all in. That will make his first name Metta, his middle name World and his last name Peace. How do you feel about that?

          Is there anyone out there thinking he might have taken a page out of World B. Free's book? At least he only changed his first name. He was born Lloyd Bernard Free, so it was a simple change. His father could still be proud that he carried on the family name.

          I don't know how to feel about Ron's choice here. And yes I'll refer to him as Ron because I don't respect him enough to continually write his last name. Even though writing that last sentence and this one are much much longer than writing Artest. You get my point. I'm a little over this whole name change thing. I was over it as soon as Chad Johnson did it simply for publicity. I didn't think anyone else would try this stunt. What was I thinking?

          I am just old fashioned? I feel it's a man's duty to carry on the family name. It's important to me as a man. Maybe it's because I have such an awesome last name, but still. How would you feel as a father if your son just up and changed his name to get publicity? These aren't bench players that nobody knows about either. They are already in the spotlight and making headlines every other week. So why throw away your family name just to make more heads turn? It's ridiculous.

          Not only is he changing his name, but to Metta World Peace? Come on dude. That's one of the dumbest names I've ever heard. Where are his friends? Where is his agent? Where is his publicist? Out of all the name he could have picked, he goes with Metta World Peace. I don't mind the whole world peace thing, well yes I do, but I can kind of understand his motive. There has to be a better choice out there. Something a little more fitting. How about Ima Fuckin Moron? No? Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with world peace but it beats Metta.

          Luckily I have a soapbox I can hop up on and get this off my chest. I'm just sick of celebrities and pro athletes doing retarded shit just to make headlines. Especially the athletes. Just go out there and play the game. You're already getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a game you love. Don't ruin it by being a jack-ass! I heard this news while making a Ham Sandwich and forgot the mustard, so hopefully I can still get a decent Hand-job. Those bums behind the Stop-N-Shop are pretty picky when it comes to HJfHS.
      
       

You Can't Avoid Boyd

The Only Gambling Problem I Have is When the Blackjack Dealer Hits a Six-Card 21

Some may say I have a gambling problem. I don’t think that’s true, but I consider it one of my two vices (booze would be the first.) Sure, I might have known what a trifecta was before I knew girls didn’t have coodies, and I might have bet on the national anthem or a coin flip before, and I might have gone on multiple 24-hour gambling runs, but I consider gambling a hobby I control. I’ve had good days and I’ve had bad days. I have ten years experience in casinos all over North America (Thanks Mom for sneaking me into the Atlantic City Bally’s as an underage kid) and there are two things that really chap my ass about them.

First, gamblers like to smoke. I don’t know why it goes hand and hand, but it apparently does. While most social settings have banned smoking in our health conscious society, casinos are behind the times. Atlantic City tried to ban smoking from its casinos, but it only lasted for about 45 minutes after smokers caused an uproar. Some casinos have separate smoking gaming areas and non-smoking gaming areas. I am fine with that, except not all casinos do that. I do not know why I have to be subjected to cigarette smoke if I want to play blackjack. I don’t get why someone can blow smoke in my face at a gaming table, yet I can’t fart in their faces. If I did that, I would be removed from the casino due to my faux pas. Yet, some doucher can blow secondhand smoke at me and think nothing of it.

Second, not all casinos serve free alcoholic drinks or serve drinks all day. Seriously, what the fuck?!? These casinos are making billions, yet they can’t serve me a 7 & 7 on the house. In Atlantic City, Las Vegas, and New Orleans, the drinks are free 24/7. However, many states (Pennsylvania, Delaware, and West Virginia for example) have recently opened casinos as a way of generating income. Yet, some charge for their drinks and/or only serve them during certain hours. I am prepared to lose my paycheck at craps, but I draw the line at having to pay for a gin and tonic. You have to be 21 years old to be in a casino. It shouldn’t be a problem giving these legal age gamblers a free drink at 4 am as long as these people aren‘t too intoxicated.

Finally, the following people at the casino deserve the following type of STD:

People who play slots: As Kevin Spacey in “21” said, “Slots are for losers.” I don’t get how people voluntarily go to a casino to play the slot machines. How is pushing a button while seeing flashy lights repeatedly while winning nickels fun? The only people who should be allowed to play slots are significant others who are only at the casino to support their serious gambling partner. Basically, it should be like a day care center. Chlamydia.

Unfriendly dealers: Come on dealers. You get paid the same whether we win or lose. However, if you seem interested in our well-being, we will tip you when we do well. Don’t be afraid to offer us house advice when we have doubts. Herpes.

The person who only plays one hand of a game: Thanks for donating $10 to the casino to play one losing hand while fucking up the rhythm of the table just because you rock at free online blackjack and had a feeling you'd break the bank. Whatever Dan has.

People who don’t know the rules of blackjack: If you don’t know the rules of blackjack, become friends with the person who rocks at free online blackjack and have that person explain it to you. It’s not OK to hit when you have a 12 if the dealer is showing a 6. You should hit on 14 with the dealer showing a 9. Never spilt kings. One mistake can screw over everyone at the table for many rounds. AIDS

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

(Editor’s Note: Boyd wrote this post at 5am on Sunday after he donated some money to a Northeast PA casino as he was high off of the high oxygen the casinos pump and sober as shit.)

How Fat Can America Get?

          It's no secret that America has an obesity problem. You can see it every time you walk into Wal-Mart or McDonald's. There are people out there trying to battle the issue of obesity, especially childhood obesity. There are a number of fitness magazines and fitness blogs out there leading the charge for an active, healthy lifestyle. On the other hand, of course, are the people that would like to cash in on the overwhelming desire people have to eat anything and everything they can. However, the regular favorites just aren't cutting it anymore. Fat people are looking for the newest craze to sink their teeth into (pun intended). I wonder what they'll come up with next.
       
"Fried Kool-Aid a fair hit."

         Yes, deep fried Kool-Aid. Apparently it's a mixture of flour, water and Kool-Aid powder. It takes the shape of a doughnut hole and is deep fried. Oh YEA! Really?

          Is that where this obesity problem is headed? Deep frying Kool-Aid? The guy that created this culinary delight already had deep fried Klondike Bars and deep fried Pop Tarts. Since when are we deep frying Pop Tarts? The thought never crossed my mind to deep fry a Pop Tart. I know we have deep fried Oreos already but where does it end. What can't you deep fry? The answer appears to be nothing. I challenge you to find something that can't be deep fried. My first guess would have been a sugary drink. But as you can tell, I was wrong. A friend and I used to make fun of our own Marcus Boyd for wanting deep fried butter sandwiches. After reading about the Kool-Aid I'm pretty sure Marcus will be making his appetizer order very soon.
    
           What can we do to help? Unfortunately the answer is nothing. The deep frying trend will continue until everyone who eats deep fried food is dead. I'm not saying I don't eat food that was deep fried, but I stick to the originals. Chicken strips, mozzarella, jalapenos stuffed with cheese. When we start deep frying food (or drink powder) that has no business being deep fried, we're in big trouble. So be aware of what's happening out there. Our kids and their kids are headed down a very greasy and calorie packed road. If we don't do something about it, it will get out of control. Deep fried Kool-Aid is just the start. Next thing I know I'll have to deep fry my Ham Sandwiches to get a decent Hand-job. And that, my friends, is wrong!

         

What Makes a Man a Man

          It's Father's Day today and that got me thinking. What is it that makes a man a man? Not necessarily a father, but a man. We all know what makes a father a father. Providing for your child, being a part of their life, teaching them the important skills they need to survive and make something of themselves. You know, not being a deadbeat piece of shit who doesn't take responsibility. But, what I'm talking about is what makes a man a man.

          I was BBQing yesterday with a couple friends in my back yard. As the Rolling Rock flowed an amazing rush came over me. Grilling meat while drinking beer is one of those things you can do that makes you feel like a man. I'm talking about getting ground beef from the store, adding your favorite ingredients, pounding burgers into a nice round shape and throwing them on the grill. Yea, maybe the grill needs to be cleaned and there are still remnants from weeks past, but so what? It's my grill. While the burgers cook just the way you like them, you crack open a brew. Now if that doesn't make you feel like a man, I don't know what will.

         That really got me thinking again. What else can you do that will make you feel like a man? Most of the scenarios I thought about had beer in the equation. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I certainly feel part of being a man is drinking beer. Not that super low calorie shit either. I had a sample of MGD 64 today and was surprised I found anything that tastes worse than Coors Light. If you're going to drink that garbage, just get a wine cooler and a rainbow shirt because that beer is about as gay as four dudes blowing five dudes. Let's get back to man talk.

         What's another thing I can do to make me feel like a man, you ask? Chopping wood with an axe is a great way to make you feel manly. Take a nice big axe and a pile of un-chopped wood and just go to town for a while. Take your shirt off, spit in your hands, grunt and curse. I would suggest waiting till you were done to start drinking beer but it's absolutely part of the plan. The word lumberjack and man go hand in hand. So anything you can do to imitate a lumberjack is a good start. When you're all done I want you to sit there and look at the pieces of wood, the calluses on your hands and the used axe head and tell me you don't feel like a man.

          "There have be other things I can do, Pat. I don't like chopping wood." Well, pussy, you're in luck. There are a couple other things you can do if the thought of chopping wood doesn't give you one. Pull your car into the garage, pop the hood, take out your tool box and start turning some wrenches. Whether it's changing the oil, or replacing your brakes, even just checking the fluid levels is pretty manly. If you want to make it official you have to get dirty though. Put the car up on some jack stands and take the tire off. You don't have to do anything to it, but every man should know how to change a tire, so get some practice. I changed my brake pads a couple months ago and as I sat there afterwards with bottle of Lager I had that overwhelming feeling of "man" rush over me. So next time you feel like a little bitch, go out and put in some work on your car and you'll start to feel better.

           "I don't know anything about cars and I don't like chopping wood, what can I do?" Well it's pretty obvious that you are, in fact, a woman and don't need to feel like a man. So don't worry about it. However, I'll throw a couple more things at you just in case. Another part about being a man, as far as I'm concerned, is being chivalrous. Opening doors for women, pulling the car around when it's raining, carrying the heavy stuff and giving orgasms are some of the little things that a man should do. No questions asked. I don't want to hear anything from women about equality and how independent you are either. If I hold a door for you, or offer to carry something, I'm doing it because I'm a man and that's what I'm supposed to do. Not because I'm trying to keep you down or whatever so just say thank you and like it! Around the house handy work is pretty manly. Anything you can do yourself without having to pay someone else is, in most cases, is pretty manly. So I want you to go out there and see what makes you feel like a man. I'm sure I didn't mention everything.

           Even as I sit here and write this blog, with a beer open and hot sauce on my pizza, I feel like a man. And in an hour or so when I hop in my car with a Ham Sandwich and park behind the liquor store, I'm still going to feel like man. So, next time you're in the dumps about how big of a pussy you are, get an axe or a tool box and get your "man" on.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Boston: Not Just a Town for the Drunken Irish


Green Bay is known as Title Town USA for all the NFL championships it has won (13 overall). It appears that nickname might have to travel east as Boston has won every major sports championship over the last six years. While that might be wicked awesome for Sully and Murph and the rest of the southies, I am wicked depressed. As a true New York sports fan, I have embraced the Boston teams as a natural rival. While I realize how fortunate I am to have witnessed many championships among my favorite teams (unlike my DC friends), we live in a “What have you done for me lately” society and Boston is on top of the sports world right now.


The Celtics won the NBA title in 2008. I was happy for Boston as they mortgaged their future to build an immediate contender with several big trades (Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen) in the off-season. They were rewarded by beating the Lakers to win their 17th championship. I would be more upset if the Knicks had managed to be competitive over the last ten years. When the Knicks won their last playoff game, I had never gotten drunk before and the Twin Towers were still erect.


The Bruins won the Stanley Cup last night over the Vancouver Canucks. I was actually rooting for the Bruins as they had suffered many bad breaks early in the series: they lost Game 1 in the last 20 seconds of regulation as it appeared a Canuck bit a Boston player’s finger earlier in the game, they lost Game 2 11 seconds into overtime as the biter scored (he was not disciplined), and they lost one of their best players five minutes into Game 3 to a vicious cheap shot. After several Canucks were taunting the finger biting incident and Canucks goalie, Roberto Luongo, took a cheap shot at Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas in the media, I was hoping Boston would win. After the Bruins won Game 7, Vancouver fans did what they normally do, starting fires and rioting. It reminded me of 1994 when the Rangers beat the Canucks and Vancouver fans decided to mourn the series loss by burning shit and rioting.


The New England Patriots have been one of the more successful NFL teams in the 2000’s, winning three Super Bowls. They are currently experiencing the longest drought of Boston championships, winning their last title in 2004. The drought would have been shorter if a) the NFL hadn’t caught them for “Spygate” and b) they managed to beat the Giants in Super Bowl 42. A truly great moment in my life as many of my friends were New York Giants fans just for that day to cheer for the Patriots to lose their first game of the year. Afterwards, they congratulated me. The next day, they told me the Giants blow. Good times.


The Red Sox won two championships in the last decade, 2004 and 2007, their first since 1918. To talk about the 2004 playoffs is as painful as it would be for Marcellus Wallace to talk about what happened in the basement of the pawn shop. If you don’t know what happened, Google it. I have two quick notes about that series. One, after the Yankees destroyed the Red Sox in Game 3, I commented to Asian Sensation John Holody how the Red Sox showed no heart with their season on the line. In hindsight, I was dead wrong. Two, I saw Dave Roberts on a plane several years later. Most people would have said hello to him. I’m not most people. It took all the will I had not to confront him and tell him how he ruined baseball for me. Until 2004, the Yankees never lost to the Red Sox in the playoffs. Yogi Berra told a nervous Bernie Williams before the 1999 ALCS, "We have been playing these guys for 80 years and they never win". Well, they finally won.

I will be traveling to Boston in early August to catch a Yankees-Red Sox game. I knew I was going to the thunder dome beforehand. I was going to be among many of the enemy fans infiltrating Fenway Park that night. Now, I will have to deal with the championship aura these massholes will have after their recent run. God damn it.


          -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom . . . THE BIG 5-0!

         This Wednesday is special for a few reasons. One, it's the 50th post on Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. We've reached the half century mark and it's been a fun ride. It will continue to be a fun ride as long as there are Ham Sandwich eaters out there. Two, it's Wednesday and I have some Words of Wisdom for you. This weeks Words are more focused towards a certain group of individuals. This group includes anyone who pees standing up. I'd like to say it's aimed at just men, but I've seen some crazy shit in my day. Anyone who is unsure allow me to clear it up for you. Yes, women can pee standing up. And their aim is no better than ours.
         So today's Words of Wisdom are, LIFT UP THE FUCKING SEAT! I don't mean to yell but there are few things that gross me out more than walking into a bathroom and seeing a toilet seat covered in piss. If it weren't such an easy thing to do I wouldn't get worked up about it. But let's be honest here, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to lift up the seat before you let it flow. Also, since I have to tell you to lift the seat up I'm sure I need to tell you to put it down when you're done. Have you ever seen the underside of a toilet seat and thought, "oh yea, that's clean." Of course not. It's disgusting.
         Maybe it's just me, but I lift the seat up every time I'm not pooping and put it down when I'm done. I've heard the argument about how females should have to put the seat up when they're done or some other version of that to make the bathroom more equal. It's all bullshit. If you want to make it more equal, put the lid down when you're done. That way, whoever comes in next has to at least lift that up. And if they lift the lid up and not the entire seat, they're an asshole.
        Does anyone like looking into an open toilet when they walk into a bathroom? I didn't think so. That's why I always close the lid and suggest that you do the same. It's really easy and makes the bathroom look better. And yes, I'm talking about public toilets as well as home commodes. Hopefully you're going to wash your hands anyway so the little bit you have to touch the seat to lift it won't matter. Just lift it up.
        Also, as much as you'd like to think so, you are not that great at aiming your stream. So if you don't lift the seat up (because you're an asshole) and happen to piss on it, which you will. WIPE IT OFF! If you lifted the seat up in the first place you wouldn't have to worry about it. But if you are too lazy to do that, at least wipe the seat off after you hose everything down. Why should someone else have to come in and, not only see your piss on the seat, but wipe it off so they don't sit in it? That's just ignorant.
         The part that really bothers me is that you know you pissed on the seat. Unless you are going to the bathroom with your eyes closed, you know where everything went. You see your urine on the seat and just walk away. "Let someone else take care of it, I'm obviously more important than them." Guess what? No, you're not. Don't be an asshole.
         In summation, this is the 50th post on HJfHS and it's been fun. The invitation is still out there to anyone who would like to post something. Just send me an email and let your voice be heard. Also, if you are going into a bathroom to let the hammer hang and relieve yourself, lift up the fucking seat. I can't even count how many times I walked into a truck stop bathroom to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich and saw seats just dripping with some scumbag's piss. It really ruins the mood.
       

If It's Not That Easy . . . Just Change the Rules!

           Let's say you're trying to accomplish a task for work. Unfortunately there are rules and regulations that make that a bit difficult. What can you do? You can sit and brainstorm ways to get around those rules and regulations. Maybe ask someone you work with if they dealt with this before and how they handled it? Or, you can do what the FBI did. Just change the rules.
           The FBI recently updated the 2008 Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide. This was the guide they had to reference when investigating domestic matters of National Security. It governed the paperwork they needed to fill out and in what order they had to proceed with everything. Well, apparently the FBI thought the current rules in place were making things a little too difficult. So, they changed them.
           In the past the FBI needed to have probable cause to pursue a subject in question. They needed evidence of wrong doing that would link a person or organization to a crime. You know, pretty standard stuff. With the updated Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide, they don't need any of that anymore. An FBI agent can do what you see them do in the movies, and just go with his gut.
           Yes, you heard that right. They are now allowed to search commercial and law enforcement databases for anyone they want. That includes any organizations they feel might be doing something wrong. In the past they had to open official assessment inquiries. Now they don't need to document anything. They can walk right in, search for whomever they wish, and walk back out. Without telling anyone what or who they were looking for. Crazy huh?
            This also extends to lie detector tests. They are now allowed to administer lie detector tests without having anything more than a hunch. Meaning if I were an FBI agent and had a dream about Jim from down the block, I could bring him in for a lie detector test. No questions asked. They are also allowed to, without any evidence of wrong doing, search the garbage or anyone they please. They sited a bunch of stuff about making it easier to know if someone is a threat to them or to put pressure on someone to further their investigations. I have to say it all sounds pretty cool to me.
             Just to fill you in on everything. There are also new rules about an informants rights to attend up to five meetings of an organization they are gathering information on without any kind of documentation. The rules regarding an informants rights to attend religious events has changed. Also the special provisions that were in place with respect to the investigation of public officials has be altered. Mainly in cases where the public official is a victim or a witness. If they are the target of an investigation, there is still a special provision that must be followed.
             So how do you feel knowing that the FBI can just change their rules to make it easier on them? I'm sure their guideline book is a little longer than my blog, but you get the idea. I for one think it's awesome. The FBI is tired of jumping through hoops and filling out useless paperwork to investigate people they think might be doing something wrong. Yea, it might make it easier for some agents to unjustly "investigate" their ex-wives or their daughter's new boyfriend. But when you look at the big picture, if these new provisions allow them to arrest one or two more bad guys that would have previously slipped through the cracks, than I think it's worth it. I mean they should be allowed to investigate however they want. They are the FBI for crying out loud. Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATION. If they came to my work and made me take a lie detector test because they were digging through my garbage, I wouldn't have a problem with it. The crazy part is, I didn't even mention the most important rule change. And it involves all of us.

            "Investigations into members of the press and academic scholars are also considered sensitive, and call for extra supervisions. The new rules make a distinction between bloggers as members of the press: "Prominent bloggers would count, but not people who have low-profile blogs," but the details of that distinction are unclear. The new rules also "limit academic protections only to scholars who work for institutions based in the United States.""

             If you read that correctly that means we need to take "Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches" to the prominent blog level status. Why you ask? Because I want to be considered a member of the press. I know what you're thinking. And yes, that is completely selfish. However, it's not everyday the FBI changes rules that make it possible for me to be considered a member of the press. Why do I want to be a member of the press? Why not? It would be one more thing I can put on my resume that won't help me get a job. So I want to take this opportunity to get everyone on board and take HJfHS to the next level. Tell your friends, tell them to tell their friends. Let's make all the Hand-jobs I've gotten for Ham Sandwiches worth something more than a funny story to tell my kids.

            

From Josh, With Love

I told my friend that I would contribute to his blog months ago. However, since I am a busy man (getting drunk/masturbating), I have been unable to find time. But a deal is a deal so here I am. I was going to write about Congressman Weiner’s controversial cock shot but Boyd already stole my thunder. I still have a few questions, like, how is it possible that guy’s name is Weiner, why don’t women ever get in trouble in the same manner and what was the IT Department’s reaction at Boyd’s job when they saw he googled “gay sex/dick scandals”? However, I won’t shoot a dead horse.

What I want to talk about is freedom of expression. I believe in it, that’s why I support anything my friend(s) post on this website. So you could understand my confusion when I heard that the UK is banning “Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence”. For those of you who don’t know (or who aren’t excited by ass to mouth mutilation), Human Centipede was a 2010 horror film where the protagonist sews people together anus to mouth to create one digestive system. The second installment is poised to be even more offensive, prompting the UK Film Board to say this:

"It is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.”

My first reaction is, this movie is going to be the tits. My second is, Bullshit. This movie may not be everyone’s cup of tea but “harm viewers”. Is anyone going to see this movie and start sewing people together? Does the UK think there is going to be mass suicide as a result of how troubled people become when they view this movie? No. The same way society isn’t worse off because of Huck Finn, Tropic of Cancer, Catcher in the Rye, and other works that were once banned.

I exercise my right to free speech but it doesn’t mean I’m deeply troubled because of the offensive things I say (although in this case I am). Most of the time I’m just joking. Because I say “Rihanna probably deserved it” doesn’t mean I condone domestic violence, no matter how hysterical. Just because I name my fantasy team “Morgan’s Rape Stand” doesn’t mean I support dog fighting (except if it makes my trifecta at the Greyhound track) or sexual assault (unless done to “afternoon delight” by Boyd’s Uncle). Incidentally I also have nothing against Morgan. In fact, I like her more than half the people she lives with (sorry Anna). My point is saying something or viewing something or filming something offensive doesn’t mean you are destroying people. I thought the UK would know this.

In an experiment that is completely false and which the results are entirely made up, people who watch Human Centipede II are 50% less likely to commit a violent crime, drop out of school, or take drugs than those that watched the entire royal wedding. Maybe you should think about what you are banning, UK. At least the movie is fiction, unlike where the inspiration came from, which was Nazi human experiments. So next time the Brits want to ban something, maybe they should go to the theatre, bring a ham sandwich, sit in the last row and relax.
             -Written By Josh

You Can't Avoid Boyd

When Capitol Hill’s a Rockin’, Don’t Come a Knockin’

Within the last week, Anthony Weiner, a congressman from New York, made headlines when he posted a dick shot (not the Brett Farve type, but a classier underwear one) on his Twitter account. The picture was intended to be a direct message, but was posted to all. After claiming his account had been hacked and that it might not be his junk, he admitted on Monday that he sent it, the junk belonged to him, and he had been in inappropriate electronic relationships with six women over three years. None of these women were his wife, Huma Abedin Weiner. I feel bad for Huma because that might be the worst name of all time. I should feel bad for the congressmen/congresswomen who are not allowed to behave in their private lives as we can, but I don’t. When they were elected to their positions, they gave up that right.

Weiner joins an esteemed list of politicians who have been subject to controversial sex scandals:

· Christopher Lee, a married New York Congressman, resigned after he was caught sending a shirtless pic to a female via Craigslist. Rumors began circulating this wasn’t his first experience trying to seek out ladies/transgenders via Craigslist.

· Mark Sanford, former South Carolina governor. His extramarital affair became a national story when he went missing for a week in June 2009. It was discovered he was in Argentina during that week, visiting his mistress. He finished his term under constant pressure to resign.

· Elliot Spitzer was the governor of New York until it was discovered that Spitzer loved the whores. He resigned.

· Mark Foley was a Florida congressman until it was discovered he wrote sexually suggestive e-mails to a teenage male page. He resigned.

· Larry Craig, former Idaho senator. In August 2007, he was arrested after trying to give away a ham sandwich via a foot tap (code for naughty time) in the men’s bathroom at a Minnesota airport. Due to constant pressure from the GOP, he was going to resign but decided against it. He finished his term despite constant pressure and many rumors of previous ham sandwich exchanges.

· Bill Clinton, former President. There were numerous ladies who claimed they were diddled by Clinton during his two terms. The most famous, Monica Lewinsky, led Clinton to become only the 2^nd President ever to be impeached (on obstruction of justice and perjury charges, not for just getting a blowjob.)

Weiner did nothing illegal. In fact, people could make the argument that he did nothing immoral as he claimed he has never had sex with any of these women. Yet, many people are calling for him to resign. And it’s not just the Republicans. House Majority leader Nancy Pelosi is requesting an ethics probe on this matter while Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has gone on record saying he can not defend the actions of Weiner, based on his online relationships and lying to the public. These are the top two Democrats in Congress and neither one of them have Weiner’s back. We live in a society where there are different rules for certain people. Is it fair? No. But it is what it is. With great privilege comes great responsibility. Politicians (along with athletes and celebrities) are held to different, higher standards than others. None of my friends would be told to quit their jobs if they sent a dick shot to a random girl on Twitter. Anthony Weiner could never write for a blog called “Handjobs for Ham Sandwiches”.

It’s amazing how Anthony Weiner potentially ruined his political career over this picture. Many thought he’d be the favorite for mayor of NYC later this year, but that dream is definitely over. We will see if he decides to continue his term as congressman despite the current backlash against him. All this so he could flirt with girls over social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter. Professionally, I don’t think he should have to resign. There have been other politicians who finished their term who have done worse (see Larry “Tap Dancing” Craig above). Personally, I think he should resign. It will be hard to represent the state of New York while trying to repair his marriage and being ridiculed by the media. The heat from this will eventually die down and he can rebuild his reputation later on, but he needs to focus on his priorities right now. He needs to decide if he wants to be with Huma or if he wants to be the Casanova of Facebook. Either way, I just want to live in a world where I can go on Twitter without dick shots and just focus on the important stuff, like what Kim Kardashian is up to.

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Good Morning Ham Sandwich lovers. Today is Wednesday and sure enough I have some Words of Wisdom. This morning, while running 4 miles, it hit me. I don't always need to yell at someone, or make fun of people on Wednesday. I can give you Words of Wisdom that will actually help you in your day-to-day life. Plenty of ideas were dancing in my head to the beat of my running playlist. I needed a solid idea that could make an immediate impact. So I thought about what separated Monday morning, Tuesday morning and Wednesday morning. 
          For me it was waking up a little early and doing something I wanted to do. Monday's are always tough because it's the first day of the week. I decided to try something out. I got up and went for a run. As weird as it sounds to some of you, I like running. To get up and start the day off with something I enjoy before diving right into something I don't made a huge difference. I know this because, for me, Tuesday was much worse. I got up Tuesday, got in the shower, had breakfast, made my lunch and went right to work. With the exception of the shower, I don't really like doing any of those things. To go from sleeping, which I love, right into my work routine was horrible. There was no "me time."
          I wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke, so I did some research. I woke up this morning, again a little early, and went for another run. My stomach decided to add a morning dump to the mix but I'm not complaining. During my run I could already tell it was going to be a better day. The Sun was shining and the birds were chirping. I could see the look on the faces of people in traffic and I knew they didn't do anything they wanted to this morning. That made my morning run that much more enjoyable. To go from a bed, to a car, to work is a terrible way to start a day. Make sure you leave some "me time" every morning. Trust me, it'll pay off.
         So my Words of Wisdom are to get up a little early and do something you like to do. Whether it's a crossword puzzle, or watching Sportscenter. Maybe it's a computer game or Internet porn. Whatever it is, get up early and do it. You're going to feel much better throughout the day when you can start it off with a smile. To further my research; tomorrow I'm going wake up a little early, head over to the Waffle House, walk around to the dumpster out back and get me a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Because that's what I like to do and it'll make for a great Thursday.
        

Trapping Something in (NOT) a Bottle

         Did you ever read something that just blew your mind? I'm talking you read it, re-read it, and read it once more. When you were finished you sat back and said "wow, that just blew my fucking mind." Excuse the foul language but that's exactly what I said after reading this article and I don't want you to miss out on the true emotions. I'm a fairly smart individual. Hey, shut up, I'm serious. I know I'm not a scientist or anything but I figured I would be able to grasp any non-fiction article I happened upon. Boy, was I mistaken.
       

The whole process occurred within a magnetic "bottle" that takes advantage of the magnetic properties of the antiatoms to keep them contained. An actual bottle, made of ordinary matter, would not be able to hold antimatter because when the two types of matter meet they annihilate.

           Yea, that's what I said. To give you a short background on the article, scientists have contained antimatter for 16 minutes and 40 seconds. This is a huge breakthrough because the theory is that for every atom in the Universe there is an antiatom. For example, for every hydrogen atom there is an antihydrogen atom. These antiatoms are called antimatter. Scientists say that during the Big Bang, which created the Universe 13.6 billion years ago, there was an equal amount of matter and antimatter thrown into space. Since they have not be able to find galaxies made up of antimatter it's very confusing as to where it all went.

            Another big part of this article is the fact that antimatter and regular matter can't come in contact because they will annihilate each other. Yes, that's their word. Annihilation occurs in the form of a very bright light. For you movie watchers out there, Hollywood showed their interpretation of this bright light at the end of "The Saint" when they released this antimatter. (Even as I'm writing this I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. It all sounds so science fiction.)

            The fact that they were able to contain this antimatter is a huge breakthrough. The scientists will now be able to start testing this material, or antimaterial, which has the potential to really shake things up as far as the creation of the Universe goes.

            So back to the point I was trying to make. Doesn't that blow your mind? This was a Yahoo.com article, feel free to look it up if you'd like. I'm telling you, I read it at least 3 times and still can't get over how awesome it sounds. Just the words "when the two types of matter meet they annihilate." What a sentence.

            I can't help but think of the movie "Time Cop" starring one of the greatest actors of our time, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Okay, he's a terrible actor but he could kick some serious ass on camera, you can't deny that. The line I'm thinking of is, "The same matter can't occupy the same space at the same time." Now for you nerds out there, I understand that matter and antimatter are not the same and they are in fact exact opposites. It just reminds me of that part in the movie, so relax. I'm talking about the scene in the mansion when the bad guy gets pushed into himself and dissolves. That whole sequence of outdated computer animation was pretty cool back in 1994. Maybe that's what annihilation really looks like. 

          

          By the way, if you never saw the movie "Time Cop", that's just irresponsible.

          So to wrap this up, there are people out there trapping antimatter in magnetic field "bottles" to help solve mysteries about the creation of the Universe. I want you to read that again and realize that there are bigger things going on out there. Next time I'm behind the old Sunoco station getting a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich I'll have a better perspective on things. 

The Glamorous Life of a Hollywood Extra

          How many times have you sat down and watched a movie? Whether it was in a theater or simply curled up on the couch, would you be able to accurately estimate that number? I know I wouldn't. I take movies for granted and just try to sit back and enjoy them. I think of how much money the stars get for each role and how awesome it would be to be a movie star.  Until yesterday I was just like everyone else that appreciates a good flick.

          Until yesterday I didn't think about the guys behind the scenes, and all the work that goes into making these movies. I didn't give two shits about about the people in the background, or the random crowds. I didn't give one shit! Who really thinks about the extras? I sure didn't. Until yesterday that is. 

          When I think about a Hollywood actor all that comes to mind are the sweet trailers, buffets of food, assistants and hookers. That couldn't be further from the truth. For the extras anyway. The headliners get all the special treatment. I saw Ed Harris and Julianne Moore standing at a podium on set with a nice little Asian guy holding an umbrella to block the Sun. And he held that umbrella right up until the director said, "ACTION!"  Meanwhile, the 300 plus extras stand baking in the heat with one guy walking around with a bottle of sunscreen. 

* * * * 

Like I really needed another reason to love The Rock but watching Ed Harris do his thing on set was something else. General Francis X. Hummel might be the closest representation of how this guy really is. The director changed two of the scenes I was involved in because Mr. Harris said so. "Why don't they just keep clapping, I'll talk through it, and then it'll just get fucking louder? Pardon my french." Said the man all with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. The director agreed as if he didn't have any other choice, and that's what we did. He had a bad-ass aura about him, like one of those bikers you see that aren't that big but you're pretty sure you'd rather not take a chance. And he really knew how to play the crowd and keep everything fun for the poor saps working for chump change. A great experience to say the least and I have even more respect for him as an actor being able to see how he is as The Man! 

* * * *

          At least the extras will be able to stay in lavish trailers while they wait to go on set right? NOPE, they stay in whatever the surrounding buildings have to offer which they so rightly called 'holding'. Yesterday it was an old auditorium. How did I know it was old you ask? Because the seats felt like concrete even though they had padding on them, that's how. They would pick a big enough auditorium for everyone to be able to sit and have some elbow room of course, right? NOPE, we were packed in from right to left with no open seats and people grabbing floor space wherever they could. We'd sit there until they made their announcements and we'd finally be allowed to find some space. They had snacks and water so we weren't being treated like total prisoners. We were allowed to walk around outside and stretch our legs. As long as we stayed in the area though, because when they came calling for you, they were pretty serious about it.

          They shuffled everyone out in groups and showed them were to stand. I don't mean, "hey go stand over there somewhere." I'm talking about putting people in exact spots down to the very last person. With this many actors all trying to get on camera you can imagine how much of a project that turned into. After the first take the real shuffling would begin. The director and assistant director would send out their minions to swap the guy in the green shirt for the lady in the red shirt. This kind of 'this guy for that guy' went on until they were absolutely happy. Then the props people would come around and hand out more signs and flags. "Hold up the signs." "Move that sign here, give that guy a flag, take off that lady's hat." This continued take after take. Finally they would have everything in place and we'd nail it! We must have stood out there for an hour and a half for each scene. The total run time for the scene, if they even use it, you ask? Maybe 30 seconds or a minute max. Then it was back into 'holding' until they were ready for the next scene. This back and forth went on all day. From 9:00am till 10:30pm over 300 people would go from 'holding' to 'on set' time and time again. We shot maybe 6 scenes that day. When you throw in lunch break, and the time it took to set up each scene, the hours really piled up. 

          I got there, along with 50 other people, at 5:45 in the morning. They would trickle in every hour or so. We'd be rushed over to wardrobe to get all dressed up. Then we'd get rushed to props to get our little add ons. Then it was off to 'holding' to wait for more direction. While waiting for that direction, props and wardrobe would be all over the place making sure everything was right. It was pretty impressive how they knew exactly what to give each character and how efficient they were at what they did. The costume designer and the wardrobe people were right on top things. Fixing collars and changing shirts. The props people were always on the set swapping out and straightening everything up. The amount of work that went into the one day I was there was unbelievable. I'll be getting paid for 17 hours. Yes, there was significant down time and a pretty nice spread for lunch. But 17 hours is 17 hours. 

         I'll have to say that from now on when I watch a movie, I'll have a greater appreciation for what goes into the production of it. Hopefully, you will too. On a side note, the actors that are in the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) Union are a bunch of wining bitches! I understand they are entitled to certain privileges being part of a union, but do they have to complain about it so much? I could write on and on about the kind of people I met that do this every day. I'll let your imagination run free with that and I bet you'll be right on the money. The one thing I was disappointed about was that I didn't get to see Woody Harrelson in action. From what I was told he was in his trailer getting Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches while smoking weed and drinking Scotch. That's the life of a Hollywood actor we all dream of. 

         

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Lost on the Information Super-Highway

On Tuesday, my work building lost all Internet access. Since our Internet affects our DOS-based system, Intranet, and printers, it is a huge inconvenience. Typically, these disconnections last for a few minutes before being fixed. We were without Internet access for approximately six hours on Tuesday. By Wednesday, we were back online and all was well. Until noon that is, when once again, we lost Internet access for the remainder of the day. Since I’m a pretty major player in my company, I was told by the higher-ups what is causing these problems. Apparently, Verizon is replacing our Internet lines with T1 cables next week. Until then, our current copper lines are subject to losing service when the temperatures are high. This makes me ponder two questions: are you fucking kidding me and how the hell did people work in the 1980’s?

I find it comical that a multi-million dollar company in 2011 doesn’t have working Internet due the latest “heat wave” to hit Northern Virginia. This heat wave includes temperatures a few degrees higher than the average for this time. It’s not as if this area is new to a high in the upper 90s. Luckily, my branch is not completely lost during this inconvenient truth. A few associates have remote access laptops, which I have been blessed to use during this time. It allows me to utilize two functions: writing orders/bids to customers, where the computer moves at the same speed as two old people fornicating and checking my email, which is working at a good half hour delay. A simple five minute customer transaction in the past now takes about 20 minutes. I am surprised we even have cable lines at this point and not dial-up. Not good times.

My work characteristics can be described as strong work ethic, dependable, and accountable. I can also be described as a time thief. The Internet was my place to escape from the harsh realities of big pipe and enter a world of limitless possibilities. My computer has been known to frequent ESPN.com and deadspin.com, as well as my fantasy teams. Now, I’m stuck to drawing obscene pictures on Microsoft Paint. How did people work in the 1980’s where the Internet was still being worked on by Al Gore? Where did they slack off during the work day? No wonder so many people were addicted to Nintendo and blow during the Reagan years. I know this is a great opportunity for my elder associates to tell us how it was in the old days, but guess what? The old days sucked and that’s why we have the technology we currently enjoy today.

This week’s post is just a friendly reminder not to take the Internet for granted. It’s not just for pornographic material and online betting. Twenty years ago, the only way Pat could have conveyed his daily thoughts would have been to pass out a pamphlet every day, hoping people would read it. He’d look like someone who needed a ham sandwich. Instead, he gets to type out his musings instantly without having to succumb to having to wear pants and looks like a guy who gives away ham sandwiches at his discretion.

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Good morning Ham Sandwich lovers. Today's Words of Wisdom h h old a special place in my heart because of this past weekend in Dewey Beach, Delaware. Some friends and I went in search of a Memorial Celebration and found an all weekend affair, it would start on Friday and end on what is called "Suicide Sunday."

           So here are my Words of Wisdom. If you are going to drink all day, DO NOT d  ouble fist with liquor and beer! Dewey Beach has a couple of signature drinks that are loaded with liquor and taste like virgin daiquiris. Prepare to be in bad shape fast when you pair that with a cold Miller Lite. Try to know your limits before you become the wasted guy stumbling down the street, blacked out, before the Sun goes down.

           I arrived late on Friday night and met everyone else at the bar. During the walk I noticed all of the people stumbling around and slurring their words. It was quite a spectacle. Fast forward to Saturday morning and there I was with a "Dewey Devil" and a bottle of beer on the fast track to blackout town. I went there with a vengeance, trying to drink as fast as possible until my ability to communicate was severely hindered. I then would stumble back to the hotel room, hoping someone had done the same, stopping at random food joints for mozzarella sticks. And I don't even like mozzarella sticks. I'd love to tell you why that’s what I ordered, but if you've read this far, you know my brain was fast asleep long before I wandered into that pizza place.

          The next day came as sure as my headache did, but I was in Dewey Beach and had to roll with it. We headed to the bar for breakfast and a medicinal Bloody Mary. I was scarred from a bad experience with a Bloody Mary in NYC one afternoon so I thought about going with a Mimosa. Normally I don't give any weight to what bartenders tell me about their drinks, but when it comes to Bloody Marys, I will always trust an older lady that looks like she's had a few in her day. (And maybe a few already that day.)

           After breakfast we all headed to the bar to continue our weekend of festivities. I didn't learn anything from the night before and went right back to double fisting like a damn rookie.

          SoS again, DO NOT double fist when you're going to be drinking all day. Sunday didn't last nearly as long as Saturday did. I was passed out in the hotel room before 6pm. From what I was told I had quite a lean going on and looked like I had been awake for 72 straight hours. The next day was rough to say the least.

                Since I can’t learn from my mistakes, I hope that you can heed my warning. If you are going to drink all day, DO NOT double fist liquor and beer! Because let's be honest, the mozzarella sticks I was eating could have been a Ham Sandwich, if you know what I mean.