Hanging Out With Some Goodfellas
On Tuesday, Henry Hill passed away. The actual Henry Hill,
not Ray Liotta. Henry Hill was a former mobster turned FBI informant. Most of
you know him from the movie based on his life, the critically-acclaimed
Goodfellas. Joe Pesci won the Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in
this movie, and it was well-deserving. He was a comedic genius
(unintentionally) who was also a borderline psycho (intentionally). Since this
is one of the greatest movies of our generation and the movie is in constant
play at the New Speasy, let’s honor the man by linking some Goodfellas quotes
to some current events. Please note, if you’ve never seen the movie or hate the
word “fuck”, just give up on this post and come back next week.
“Cornuto
contento… It means he's content to be a jerk.”: The most greaseball line in
this post goes to a pretty greaseball celebrity; Snooki from “Jersey Shore”.
The talk of social media on Tuesday was the naked pictures of Snooki that were
“leaked”. I’ll believe these pictures were leaked when I believe the NBA
lottery isn’t rigged. Fading celebrities have used nude pictures and sex tapes
in the past to get back into the spotlight. I’m sure this knocked-up Guidette
decided to re-start her 15 minutes of fame with this stunt.
“I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life
like a schnook.”: Hill’s last words in the movie seem fitting for Steve
Bernier, the New Jersey Devil forward/media assigned goat for Game 6. Bernier
was called for a major penalty and kicked out of Game 6 early after his vicious
hit from behind on a LA Kings defenseman. On the five minute power play, the
Kings scored three times and eventually won the game and the series. If the
Devils penalty kill stepped up, Bernier’s loss wouldn’t have been noticed.
Instead, they let a tight game turn into a blowout in a matter of minutes and
Bernier has to take on the wrath of an entire pissed off fan base. The real
reason they lost is because…..
“One day some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my
mother's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was outta respect.”: The
Devils respected LA Kings goalie Jonathan Quick way too much. They looked for
the perfect shot throughout the series, which resulted in very few scoring
attempts. While Quick had a great season, you can’t let a goalie’s play ruin
your offensive flow. The Devils did several things right to get to the
championship round, only to look scared facing Quick. It appeared at times the
Devils were looking for deflections to beat the goalie, rather than testing him
directly with shots. Yet, Steve Bernier, career journeyman and fourth liner,
gets the blame.
“Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Henry? Or ya
still go for the old hearts and lungs?”: The most vomit-inducing scene in the
movie goes to the most vomit-inducing news story lately; pictures of the Miami
zombie Apocalypse victim, before and after surgery. Good Lord that is some
graphic stuff. On the bright side, I now have a new favorite idea for a
Halloween costume this year.
“When they found Carbone in the meat truck, he was frozen so
stiff it took them three days to thaw him out for the autopsy.”: Adding insult
to injury, it was revealed that the Miami zombie victim was accidentally shot
twice by the police while his face was being bitten off. He also said “Go Heat”
for his first public comments after the attack. The first game the team played
after those remarks, the Heat promptly blew a fourth quarter lead in Game 1 of
the finals. I thought Henny had the worst luck this year, but this guy takes
the cake.
“He said, ‘No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough
guy.’ I said, ‘All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother.’”: To
the two judges who said Timothy Bradley beat Manny Pacquiao, for refusing to go
into detail on their scoring. Personally, I have not watched the fight, but
everyone (and I mean everyone) is saying Manny was robbed. The judges have been
relatively quiet in defending themselves, claiming they scored the fight fairly
and correctly. The World Boxing Organization announced on Wednesday they will
probe the outcome of this match.
“Why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy?”: Spider’s last
words are bestowed upon last week’s subject, Lil’ Wayne. After the drama that
played out during the Western Conference finals, Weezy still asked for
courtside seats to Game 1 and the Thunder obliged. That fake confidence was
shattered when Tommy shot him repeatedly, I mean, when fans and team officials (supposedly)
gave him shit throughout the whole game. Lil’ Wayne has claimed Oklahoma City
is still racist and vowed to cheer for the Heat. Stand up guy, that Lil’ Wayne.
“You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's
me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a
clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do
you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?”: To inadvertent funny man, Bryce
Harper. When asked by a reporter Tuesday if Harper would celebrate a mammoth
homerun against the Toronto Blue Jays with a beer (in Canada, the legal
drinking age is 19, not 21), the 19 year-old Mormon responded “That’s a clown
question, bro”. By Wednesday, this line has caught like wildfire all throughout
Twitter. T-shirts are being made as we speak, featuring Harper’s quote. I
expect an Internet meme featuring this line by the time you read this post. And
for the record, Harper shoulda celebrated with a nice Molson afterwards.
“Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.”: To Tom
Coughlin, courtesy of Bill Belichick. Coughlin cut starting tight end Jake
Ballard on Monday, hoping the injured player would pass through waivers in an
attempt to re-sign him on Tuesday and place him on the Physically Unable to Perform
(PUP) list/injured reserve. He gambled that no one would use a waiver claim on
a player who is expected to miss the year with a torn ACL. He gambled wrong as
the Patriots claimed him. Despite having two gifted tight ends on the team
already (Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez), Belichick decided you can never
have enough talent and took a chance on the productive player. Coughlin has
expressed disappointment in losing Ballard, but realized the risk existed when
they cut him.
“Oh no.”: Tommy’s last words are for sexual deviant/scumbag
Jerry Sandusky. Tommy was killed for his previous actions (killing Billy Batts,
a made man, for no valid reason), just like Sandusky should. I know every
person in America is entitled to a fair trial, but the testimony during first
few days of the Sandusky trial has confirmed what we already knew; Jerry
Sandusky is the biggest piece of shit in the world. Life in prison isn’t even a
fair punishment for this BCP (Boydism for big cunt pussy), but it is the
maximum sentence possible. I wish he met the fate of Tommy DeVito, a bullet in
the back of the head, with everyone acknowledging it was the right thing to do.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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