Hello
fellow ham sandwich lovers! Guess what is on the menu tonight? YOU! If you have
not heard about the recent events in Miami, Florida, Maryland, and New Jersey
then you really need to. In Miami a 31 year old man attacked and chewed the
face off of a homeless man. 65 year old Ronald Poppo was brutally attacked by
Rudy Eugene on a Miami causeway in broad daylight. Police shot Eugene to try to
get him off of Poppo. He growled and kept right on eating his face. A few
bullets later the attack was over and Poppo was still alive but only had one
eye remaining, no nose and 75% of his face was gone. A bloody mess to say the
least. The attacker was reported to be on a new form of bath salts. Whatever it
was it sounds like zombie behavior to me.
In Maryland a man stabbed and killed his
roommate with a knife. All the fast food joints in town were closed and after
working up an appetite killing his roommate the killer decided the next best
thing to a whopper was his roommate’s heart and brain. Maybe he thought he
would have more brainpower on that diet but this also sounds to me like, you
guessed it, zombie behavior. However this killer was not killed by police like
the one in Miami. I would love to see the police interrogate him. COP: “why did
you devour his heart and brain?” KILLER:” I had the munchies. Oh shit! Am I
gonna get a drug charge too?” There was no reported reason for this attack.
Since the Miami attack was blamed on drugs I will stick with the trend and
blame drugs for this one as well. The culprit had to be marijuana and the worst
case of the munchies in history. The man was merely trying to replace the brain
cells he burned smoking pot and had the munchies so he tried to kill two birds
with one stone. They say you get creative on weed so here’s your proof.
The case in New Jersey had a man
cutting himself open, tearing out his intestines, and throwing them at the
cops. What the hell are you supposed to say to that if you are the responding
officer? Drop your guts? Being able to rip out your own guts and throw them at
people qualifies as borderline zombie behavior. I’m also pretty sure that guy
died. Just an educated guess. This one was also blamed on bath salts.
So do I think a zombie apocalypse is
really gonna happen? No not really. I think it has about as good a chance as
Henny getting a BJ from Jennifer Lopez in return for a ham sandwich. Is it
possible? Maybe. If some asswipe decided to put bath salts in a city water
supply who knows what might happen. Some scary shit could break out. All I can
suggest is shoot em in the head. Aim carefully. Ammo is more expensive than gas.
And get as far away from populated areas as possible. China for instance would
be the worst place to go. You don’t need 3 billion Chinese zombies mistaking
you for a large stalk of brockery (broccoli). Go to Alaska. Not too many people
there.
So even though I don’t think it will
happen, the signs are there. It’s a possibility. Be ready for anything. If some
weirdo tries to bite you kick him in the nuts. If that does not work it is
probably a zombie. Just remember, ONE SHOT ONE KILL! Ammo
is expensive. And if Jessica Simpson becomes a zombie leave her alone, she’s
mine. And Henny, just a suggestion, stay away from the bums that are already
eating other bums. Apparently ham sandwiches don’t quite cut it for a zombie.
-Written by Will
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