You Can't Avoid Boyd - Tails Sometimes Fails

Tails Sometimes Fails

On Saturday, the women’s 100 meter U.S. Olympic time trials were held. The race was supposed to be simple; the top three finishers in the race would represent the United States in the event for the 2012 Summer Games. Naturally, the outcome resulted in a clusterfuck. Two runners, Allyson Felix and Jemeba Tarmoh, finished in a dead heat for third place (At first, it was determined Tarmoh bested Felix by 0.001 seconds, but CSI: Miami concluded after video replay that they finished at exactly the same time). USA Track & Field (USATF) officials referenced their rule book to see what is to be done in a situation like this and discovered the rulebook never accounted for a situation like this. After spending the rest of the day throwing shit against the wall, the USATF determined the tie-breaker would either be a coin toss or a runoff, based on what was agreed upon from both runners. The winner would grab the final spot, while the loser would be an alternate.

To reiterate, there is a possibility that the dreams of Allyson Felix and Jemeba Tarmoh winning their first individual Olympic gold for will be determined by a coin toss. It probably won’t come to that, but that idea is insane. Track and field athletes train their whole life for the Olympics, and you’d possibly want to crush their dreams based on how a quarter lands. A lifetime of hard work and dedication for one flip of the coin doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. One can argue that both runners will have other opportunities to win a medal, whether in other 2012 events or future Games, but we are talking about a sport where a tenth of a second can be the difference between a world record and fourth place. You can’t waste any one opportunity. It may never come again.

This isn’t the first controversy involving a coin flip in sports and it won’t be last. On Thanksgiving 2008, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Detroit Lions were tied and headed into overtime. As the road team, the Steelers got to make the call for the OT coin flip. All of America heard Steelers RB Jerome Bettis call tails as the coin was flipped. When it landed on tails, referee Phil Luckett awarded the coin toss to the Lions and all hell broke loose. The Steelers argued unsuccessfully and lost on the first possession of overtime. Luckett said he heard Bettis call heads first, then immediately call tails. Per league rules, the first call is final. When the replays were enhanced afterwards, it confirmed Luckett’s assessment. Per this outcome, the NFL immediately created a rule where the coin toss was to be called and confirmed prior to the actual flip. This NFL did a good job correcting an issue where errors were possible.

When most people recall the 2009 NFC championship game between the New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings today, they associate that game with Bountygate and the beating Brett Farve took. What people forget is how it inspired a rule change. Since football fans were deprived of seeing Brett Farve take the field in OT (little did we know he’d unretire for another season and be accused of sending dick shots to sideline reporters), the NFL changed playoff OT rules the following season. Instead of the previous first-score-wins format, they added a caveat. If a team kicks a field goal in the first possession of OT, the other team gets a possession. They determined that sudden death format didn’t mesh well with the newer game (more accurate field goal kicking, improved kickoff returns, better passing leading to more spot-of-the-foul pass interference calls). The NFL decided to adopt these OT rules for all NFL games earlier this spring.

I think the NFL screwed the pooch on this one. The biggest argument was it wasn’t fair for a team to be beaten by a field goal when their offense never stepped on the field. Hahahahahahah, bullshit. You don’t want to lose the game on a field goal in the first few minutes of overtime? Tell your defense to step the fuck up and keep them off the board. The NFL rejected college’s version of overtime where both teams get an equal amount of possessions from their opponent’s 25-yard line until the tie is broken. The NFL felt it negated special teams and defense too much and had the potential to turn final scores into something out of a video game. The college version seems a lot fairer to me.

We have yet to see this rule in play as we only had two playoff games go into overtime since the rule was created. In the first game, Tim Jesus threw a touchdown on the first play of the game. In the second game, both the Giants and the 49ers had several possessions before the Giants won on a field goal. Was it fair the Steelers lost in Denver because Tim Tebow’s pass beat Pittsburgh’s shorthanded secondary, who was without their starting strong safety (who didn’t make the trip due to a sickle cell trait that can life-threatening in high altitudes)? Uh-uh. Was it fair that the Giants won the game based on the turnover of a backup returner in bad weather conditions? No, but nobody cares. Life is pretty hard. Shouldn’t our football/gum be harder? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn8irnsmu9w)

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Germans Are At It Again - Sorry Jews

               Germany really hates the Jews. Okay, let me explain. A German court recently ruled that religious circumcision of young boys was an assault. Yes, an assault. Making it illegal. A regional court in western Germany stated, "the fundamental rights of the child to bodily integrity outweighed the fundamental rights of the parents." It went on to say that circumcision leads to grievous bodily harm. The court continued to give it to the Hebrews declaring that the parents' religious beliefs and right to educate their children would not be compromised if they were forced to wait until the child was old enough to decide for himself on the procedure. Oh, I should state that this only applies to circumcisions for religious reasons. The court specified the circumcision is not illegal if performed for medical purposes. So if you read between the lines like I do, you'll come to the same conclusion. Germany really hates the Jews.

               Let's just pretend the Holocaust didn't happen. This would still be a pretty anti-Semitic move by the Germans. If the court would have ruled it was illegal no matter what, that'd be one thing. But to outlaw the procedure only if it's done for religious reasons is downright mean. I'm not a Jew sympathiser or anything; but I don't have anything against them or their religious beliefs. I don't have anything against anyone for that matter. Except illegal immigrants, but that's a blog for another time. Back to the story.

               I was circumcised and I'm damn glad I wasn't old enough to remember. Allow me to run through a scenario of a young Jewish child who didn't have this done as an infant. I don't know what it's like growing up in a Jewish family so I won't speculate how bad it sucks not celebrating Christmas. I'll just focus on the story at hand. Or should I say, in hand. BOOM! Anyway, imagine growing up and realizing that you have a penis. You think it looks kind of weird but you don't know any better. You finally reach the age where you discover porn; I'll say it's 11. It was for me anyway. So you browse the magical land of nudity and start to realize that your junk is a little different than others. There are a few that look the same, but it's just creepy. As a young Jewish boy, you do your due diligence and investigate the issue. You find that women prefer a circumcised penis and research suggests it's healthier for a man when it comes to STDs. (I'm assuming the little haggler is good with the internet.) You're not entirely sure what STDs are but now you're curious. You ask your father what the deal is and the conversation starts.

              He tells you all about the religious background of the "snip" and why you didn't get it done as a child in the Jew hating country of Germany. Now the decision is yours. Wait, what? "I caught my dick in my zipper and cried for three hours, now you want me to willingly cut the tip off?" Let the rebellion begin. As weird as it looks, and yes I've seen an uncircumcised penis before, I don't know if I'd be able to go to the doctor to have it cut off. Not as an adolescent who is very fond of the ole' hammer right about now. It wouldn't get any easier as I got older either. The best time to have this procedure done is clearly when you are an infant and will never remember. Plus, you're crying about everything, you probably don't even feel it.

              It's not assault. If you are allowing it for medical purposes, it can't be assault. You are only outlawing it for religious reasons because you hate the Jews. Am I right Germany? Yes, of course I am. Let me revisit the big issues here while I conclude.

             Germany has lost its mind. You can't say something is assault if it's done for one reason and not assault if it's done for another reason. That's crazy. Circumcision needs to be done as an infant. I think it should be done to everyone because it's healthier. I know this is still up for debate but all the research I've read points to "healthier." So if you think it's not, you are certainly entitled to your own opinion. It's wrong, but you're entitled to it. To make my stand against Germany and their Jew hating ways; I'll travel to Cafe Berlin in Capitol Hill. I'll take out "the Captain" and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of the native cooks in the kitchen. Yes, I call him "the Captain." If you ever had the pleasure of dealing with him, you'd understand.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Lebron Redemption

The LeBron Redemption

Later on tonight, we might see a new NBA champion crowned. The Miami Heat are one game away from besting the Oklahoma City Thunder. Even if they don’t win tonight, they should win in the next few days. According to Stuart Scott and his lazy eye, no NBA team has ever blown a 3-1 series lead in Finals history. In fact, none of the 30 teams who trailed 3-1 had even forced a Game 7. History is on Miami’s side. We are also hours/days away from LeBron James holding the Larry O’Brien trophy while thinking “Everyone can get off my balls now.”

No one can argue Lebron’s basketball skills. You can nitpick about certain parts of his game if you’d like, but no one can fully deny his game. As a high school player, he was perhaps the most hyped teenager of all-time not named Bieber. Yet, everyone knew the hype was warranted. James has not disappointed in his NBA career. He was selected by his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers and led the team to prominence. Once his rookie contract ran out, everyone knew LeBron would be the most sought after free agent in the history of professional sports. What people did not know was his signing would lead the general public to turn on King James.

On July 8^th, 2010, ESPN aired “The Decision”, an hour-long special where James would announce which team he signed with. This 60 minute circle jerk could be best summed up by these nine words, “I'm going to take my talents to South Beach”. Many people thought this was a very pompous move by James, especially when it came out that the Cavs learned of his departure from the ESPN show. Sure, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert didn’t do himself any favors by going on an insane rant afterwards shitting on LeBron, but the tide was beginning to turn on James’ popularity. Many among the sports media thought he pussed out for joining a team with Dwyane Wade and the newly-signed Chris Bosh, rather than go to a team as the alpha dog. They argued Michael Jordan or Larry Bird would have never done a move like that.

Shortly after his signing was announced, James, Wade, and Bosh appeared at their new home arena and had a little pep rally. Pep rallys are fun when you are in high school. When you’re dealing with athletes in their late-20s, pep rally are gayer than fuck. Among this scene of douchebaggery, James proclaimed he wasn’t in Miami just to win one championship. "Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven", said LeBron, to the cheers of Heat fans. By the start of the 2010 season, LeBron James was quickly becoming public enemy #1.

LeBron’s first year in South Beach was deemed a failure by some because the Heat lost the championship to the Dallas Mavericks in six games. That is how insanely high the expectations were for James last year. Hoping to take his team to the next level, he spent his summer working on improving his post game. No one can argue with the results so far, as he captured his third MVP this season, as well as saving the Heat’s season with a ridiculous game against the Boston Celtics with his team facing elimination. His efforts in Game 2 and 4 in the Finals has him one game away from reaching his dream of being a champ.

I am not a fan of LeBron James. Some of it has to do with “The Decision”/pep rally I mentioned earlier. Even James has admitted he would probably do “The Decision” differently if he had to do it all over again (except he doesn’t regret the millions it raised for charity). Most of my hate though is from pure frustration as a Knicks fan. Perhaps part of me wished James announced he was taking his talents to Gotham City. Perhaps part of me can’t stomach another Knicks game where LeBron James goes batshit crazy in decimating my team. Perhaps my thoughts of LeBron teaming up with his Big 3 makes me sad that the Knicks version of the Big 3 includes a superstar ball hog, the tallest, blackest Jew in the NBA who beats up fire extinguishers, and the novelty that was Linsanity.

Despite my hate, I realized LeBron James is the most scrutinized athlete around today. Sometimes it’s justified, but a lot of it has to do with filling time in today’s 24 hours news cycle. James made himself available as a punching bag to the critics with his previous cockiness, but the critics have taken it to an extreme. People were trashing him when he looked to pass the ball in this year’s All-Star Game. The game is a joke, yet it provided people with another chance to trash the King. Is it frustrating that James doesn’t have the same drive as Jordan or Kobe Bryant? Yea, but that’s not how LeBron James is. He has always been this way. He came to Miami to model himself like Magic Johnson, a distributor first and a scorer second. Just because he doesn’t have that drive doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. You can see he cares in Game 4 where he played with cramps that he wanted to do everything he can to get that win.

Sure, another Heat win and the critics will begin to question if LeBron can win multiple championships, like he promised two years ago. But in order to win multiple, you need to win one first. LeBron James has done everything he could this season to earn that ring. He has put this team on his back and has brought them oh-so-close to the trophy. It is well deserved and everyone needs to chill out about LeBron. Unless the Heat lose three straight, then we can wonder why God hates him while we call him a choke artist and a big cunt pussy.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hanging Out With Some Goodfellas

Hanging Out With Some Goodfellas

On Tuesday, Henry Hill passed away. The actual Henry Hill, not Ray Liotta. Henry Hill was a former mobster turned FBI informant. Most of you know him from the movie based on his life, the critically-acclaimed Goodfellas. Joe Pesci won the Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in this movie, and it was well-deserving. He was a comedic genius (unintentionally) who was also a borderline psycho (intentionally). Since this is one of the greatest movies of our generation and the movie is in constant play at the New Speasy, let’s honor the man by linking some Goodfellas quotes to some current events. Please note, if you’ve never seen the movie or hate the word “fuck”, just give up on this post and come back next week.

“Cornuto contento… It means he's content to be a jerk.”: The most greaseball line in this post goes to a pretty greaseball celebrity; Snooki from “Jersey Shore”. The talk of social media on Tuesday was the naked pictures of Snooki that were “leaked”. I’ll believe these pictures were leaked when I believe the NBA lottery isn’t rigged. Fading celebrities have used nude pictures and sex tapes in the past to get back into the spotlight. I’m sure this knocked-up Guidette decided to re-start her 15 minutes of fame with this stunt.

“I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.”: Hill’s last words in the movie seem fitting for Steve Bernier, the New Jersey Devil forward/media assigned goat for Game 6. Bernier was called for a major penalty and kicked out of Game 6 early after his vicious hit from behind on a LA Kings defenseman. On the five minute power play, the Kings scored three times and eventually won the game and the series. If the Devils penalty kill stepped up, Bernier’s loss wouldn’t have been noticed. Instead, they let a tight game turn into a blowout in a matter of minutes and Bernier has to take on the wrath of an entire pissed off fan base. The real reason they lost is because…..

“One day some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my mother's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was outta respect.”: The Devils respected LA Kings goalie Jonathan Quick way too much. They looked for the perfect shot throughout the series, which resulted in very few scoring attempts. While Quick had a great season, you can’t let a goalie’s play ruin your offensive flow. The Devils did several things right to get to the championship round, only to look scared facing Quick. It appeared at times the Devils were looking for deflections to beat the goalie, rather than testing him directly with shots. Yet, Steve Bernier, career journeyman and fourth liner, gets the blame.

“Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Henry? Or ya still go for the old hearts and lungs?”: The most vomit-inducing scene in the movie goes to the most vomit-inducing news story lately; pictures of the Miami zombie Apocalypse victim, before and after surgery. Good Lord that is some graphic stuff. On the bright side, I now have a new favorite idea for a Halloween costume this year.

“When they found Carbone in the meat truck, he was frozen so stiff it took them three days to thaw him out for the autopsy.”: Adding insult to injury, it was revealed that the Miami zombie victim was accidentally shot twice by the police while his face was being bitten off. He also said “Go Heat” for his first public comments after the attack. The first game the team played after those remarks, the Heat promptly blew a fourth quarter lead in Game 1 of the finals. I thought Henny had the worst luck this year, but this guy takes the cake.

“He said, ‘No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough guy.’ I said, ‘All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother.’”: To the two judges who said Timothy Bradley beat Manny Pacquiao, for refusing to go into detail on their scoring. Personally, I have not watched the fight, but everyone (and I mean everyone) is saying Manny was robbed. The judges have been relatively quiet in defending themselves, claiming they scored the fight fairly and correctly. The World Boxing Organization announced on Wednesday they will probe the outcome of this match.

“Why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy?”: Spider’s last words are bestowed upon last week’s subject, Lil’ Wayne. After the drama that played out during the Western Conference finals, Weezy still asked for courtside seats to Game 1 and the Thunder obliged. That fake confidence was shattered when Tommy shot him repeatedly, I mean, when fans and team officials (supposedly) gave him shit throughout the whole game. Lil’ Wayne has claimed Oklahoma City is still racist and vowed to cheer for the Heat. Stand up guy, that Lil’ Wayne.

“You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?”: To inadvertent funny man, Bryce Harper. When asked by a reporter Tuesday if Harper would celebrate a mammoth homerun against the Toronto Blue Jays with a beer (in Canada, the legal drinking age is 19, not 21), the 19 year-old Mormon responded “That’s a clown question, bro”. By Wednesday, this line has caught like wildfire all throughout Twitter. T-shirts are being made as we speak, featuring Harper’s quote. I expect an Internet meme featuring this line by the time you read this post. And for the record, Harper shoulda celebrated with a nice Molson afterwards.

“Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.”: To Tom Coughlin, courtesy of Bill Belichick. Coughlin cut starting tight end Jake Ballard on Monday, hoping the injured player would pass through waivers in an attempt to re-sign him on Tuesday and place him on the Physically Unable to Perform (PUP) list/injured reserve. He gambled that no one would use a waiver claim on a player who is expected to miss the year with a torn ACL. He gambled wrong as the Patriots claimed him. Despite having two gifted tight ends on the team already (Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez), Belichick decided you can never have enough talent and took a chance on the productive player. Coughlin has expressed disappointment in losing Ballard, but realized the risk existed when they cut him.

“Oh no.”: Tommy’s last words are for sexual deviant/scumbag Jerry Sandusky. Tommy was killed for his previous actions (killing Billy Batts, a made man, for no valid reason), just like Sandusky should. I know every person in America is entitled to a fair trial, but the testimony during first few days of the Sandusky trial has confirmed what we already knew; Jerry Sandusky is the biggest piece of shit in the world. Life in prison isn’t even a fair punishment for this BCP (Boydism for big cunt pussy), but it is the maximum sentence possible. I wish he met the fate of Tommy DeVito, a bullet in the back of the head, with everyone acknowledging it was the right thing to do.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

Strong Willed - Can You Tell Me How To Get To Sesame Street?

CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO SESAME STREET?

            Seriously I want to know how to get to Sesame Street. They ask that question over and over in their theme song but nobody really knows how to get there. I got a bone to pick with some of the people over there. I heard that they changed the name of the cookie monster to Veggie monster. Damn politically correct asswipes changing the name of the cookie monster. I researched it and I found out that while it was considered it was in fact not done. But even the thought of that pissed me off enough to want to fry big bird. 

           Some people at Sesame Street decided that the cookie monster is a bad influence on children. Why?  They say that a monster shoving cookies in his face teaches our youth to eat junk food. So they were going to change the name to Veggie monster to promote healthy eating but people were not happy about that so they found a happy medium and kept the name and added veggies to his diet. Good move. But why even consider changing the name of an American icon like the cookie monster. That’s as un-American as not liking Chinese food. The cookie monster does not teach kids to eat junk food. Parents teach their children. Parents are the ones stuffing their faces with garbage or being too lazy to cook healthy and teach healthy habits. I’m guilty of it myself.

         The basic point I am trying to make is that I am sick of all the PC bullshit and people trying to tell other people how to raise their kids. I think it is time to let people do things themselves. Stop blaming childhood obesity and other health problems on TV shows. The fact that kids sit in front of the TV at all is the start of the problem. When I was a kid I used to run full court games of basketball every day. Ask Henny, he was there. I fished, I played football, I rode bikes, and went sled riding. I think you get my point. Now I’m older and I work for a living. I play video games and don’t have the time to eat healthy so guess what, I’m overweight. That’s my fault. I can change that. The cookie monster cant.

        Changing the cookie monster’s name because they think it promotes unhealthy eating habits is ridiculous. They would also have to change his color as well and Elmo’s color to make sure they are not teaching kids to join the bloods or the crips.  They would have to cook big bird and make sure to grill his ass and not fry him because fried chicken is unhealthy. And there would be no more snuffaluffagus (I know damn well I spelled that wrong) because he is big birds imaginary friend and some of the politically correct people may see that as the result of drug use. Burt and Ernie would have to be known as a domestic partnership so that we don’t offend the gay community. Oscar the grouch would have to become a friendly Walmart greeter because god forbid you let your kids see something with a bad attitude. I would be pissed if I spent my time in a nasty ass garbage can too. 

          All I am trying to say is that the government and all the politically correct shmucks need to back off. Leave Sesame Street alone. It’s better for kids to watch that than half of the other shit they put on primetime. If you want to teach your kids how to get fat just have them watch Jessica Simpson for a while. She perfected getting fat. Change the name of the cookie monster and I will have to take a trip to Sesame Street and kick some teeth in. I will see if Henny wants to come and get a handjob for a ham sandwich from the bum in the trash can known as Oscar the grouch. I think Oscar will tell him to fuck off. Or maybe he will up the ante and tell him to throw in some grilled big bird and get Burt and Ernie to do it for him while the Veggie monster is flaggin blue doing a drive-by on Elmo’s house. God I hope he has good aim. I hate Elmo.

            -Written by Will

A Piece by Maurice - The New Breadwinner in the Family

I don't care if you are a Democrat, Independent, or Republican. We are going downhill fast!

The new breadwinner in the family... 

An emergency room physician told me that a woman in her late 20's came to the ER today with her 8^th pregnancy. She told the first doctor she saw: "My Mama told me that I am the breadwinner for the family." He asked her to explain. She said that she can make babies, and babies get money from the State for the family. It goes like this:

The Grandma calls the Department of Child & Family Services, and states that the unemployed daughter is not capable of caring for all of her kids. DCFS agrees, and tells her the children will need to go into foster care.

The Grandma then volunteers to be the foster parent, and receives a check for $1500 per child each month in Illinois. Total yearly income: $144,000 tax-free and nobody has to go to work! In fact, they get more if there is no husband/father/man in the home! Not to mention free healthcare (Medicaid), plus a monthly card entitling them to free groceries and a voucher for 250 free Obamaphone minutes each month. This does not include WIC and other welfare benefits that they are "entitled" to.

Indeed, Grandma was correct; her fertile daughter is the "breadwinner" for the family. This is how the liberal politicians spend our tax dollars. When this generous program was invented in the '60s, the Great Society architects forgot to craft an end date. Now we are hopelessly overrun with people who vote only for those who will continue to keep them on the dole. No wonder our country is broke!

Worse, the Muslims have been paying attention, and by mandating that each Muslim family have eleven children, they will soon replace the voting bloc above and can be running this country within 25 years. Read the above again, until it sinks in, and then ask yourself if your Children, Grandchildren, and Great Grandchildren will survive these severe changes to America!!!

Are you alarmed yet? Is anybody listening? Is this a GREAT COUNTRY or what? Don't forget to pay your taxes! There are a lot of "breadwinners" depending on you!

         -Written by Maurice

GET THE U.S. OUT
OF THE U.N.

GET THE U.N. OUT
OF THE U.S.


"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves."
---French philosopher Bertrand de Jouvenel
(1903 - 1987)

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil
is for good men to do nothing."
- Edmund Burke (1728-1797)

God Bless America

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Mo Money, Mo Problems

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Sports and hip hop; two very different aspects of life that blend very well together. Each is involved with the other. Rap music plays a role in today’s modern athlete. Most artists are fascinated by the sports scene, whether it is supporting one’s team (everyone but Jay-Z) or being an owner (Hova). This past week, we had two stories where both worlds collided and ignorance was involved in each case.

Last Thursday night, most of the sports world was buzzing on how the San Antonio Spurs had their 20 game winning streak snapped by the Oklahoma City Thunder. Another story that picked up steam was how the Oklahoma City Thunder denied rapper Lil Wayne seats to the game. The rapper has asked for four front row seats just prior to the game and team officials informed him none were available. Instead of just letting it be, Lil Wayne took to Twitter to complain about this snub. When Thunder players Kevin Durant and James Harden offered to hook him up with seats to another game, Wayne played the race card and insisted white management refused to accommodate a black artist. The team stood by its claim that no front row seats were available, and other seating options were refused. Lil Wayne has insinuated that he may avoid the area altogether as a result of this snub.

I really don’t know how to say this more diplomatically: shut the fuck up Lil Wayne. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. The team couldn’t hook you up with your last minute request for free front row tickets and you flip out. I’m not sure if you have noticed, but the Thunder has sold out every playoff game thus far. These are legitimate sellouts where every seat is full, not some bullshit Fenway Park sellout where the tickets might be sold but there are plenty of seats are empty. By the simplest concept of economics, this is a supply and demand issue. There are not enough tickets to satisfy Thunder fans who are willing to pay, much less free loading rappers who are trying to get premium seats comped to him.

Last I checked, Lil Wayne has no connection to the OKC Thunder. We are not talking about a superfan, like Spike Lee for the Knicks or Jack Nicholson for the Lakers. This is just a guy who was looking to attend a playoff game. Lil Wayne has attended several games, most notably Heat games. The team owed him nothing in trying to hook up the music star. Wayne also suggested that his presence typically inspires the home team to perform better. This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, post Zombie Apocalypse. The Thunder haven’t lost since this incident. Also, if Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden need a rapper in the stands to play motivated in the playoffs, then my respect for those three just hit the shits. Last, please don’t tell me you are going to deprive your fans of ever performing in the Oklahoma area because the Thunder couldn’t handle your ticket request. Lil Wayne, you are a talented musician, but you need to get off your high horse.

Last week, Justin Combs, son of rap mogul, Sean “Diddy”Combs, was awarded a full football scholarship from UCLA. Several in the media thought the younger Combs should give back the $54,000 scholarship because of his family’s wealth and the current financial issues facing schools in California. Diddy is valued at over $500 million and people argued that Combs was improperly using state funds and preventing someone more deserving from getting that scholarship. Both the student athlete and the school stood by their decisions.

First off, athletic scholarships do not use state funds. It is comprised of money earned through the sport. Also, they are awarded based on merit, not financial need. Combs was recruited by several D-1 schools last year and had a 3.75 GPA. He is entitled to this scholarship.

Second, why is Diddy getting scrutinized over this? Diddy is not the first rich person to see his child get a scholarship. Michael Jordan’s kid is getting a free ride and he isn’t exactly slumming it. No one was upset that Andrew Luck received a scholarship at Stanford, despite his family’s finances. His father, Oliver, played in the NFL and is currently the athletic director at West Virginia. I can understand if Justin was not a talented football player. However, he was rated a three-star recruit by most. Three-star recruits get scholarships, regardless of their last name. Diddy is being scapegoated unfairly.

We are dealing with two situations where one rapper trying to use his stature for his own selfishness while another rapper is being punished for his successes. I am sure Lil Wayne can afford tickets to a basketball game, yet no one is trashing him. Why doesn’t the media shift their attention from an 18-year-old and start asking questions about Lil Wayne and his spoiled brat antics? Since the scholarship was awarded, Diddy has only made one statement, stating how proud he is of his son. I feel like if Lil Wayne and Justin Combs were in Henny’s usual predicament, Lil Wayne would be complaining the bum didn’t blow him for just showing up behind the alley, while Combs would have worked hard to obtain the ham and the bread, earning his justified handjob.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

Don't Get Your Panties in a Bunch, It's Just a Tweet.

             I've written a lot of posts on here since the creation of Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches back in March of 2011. So please excuse me if this is a repeat topic. As I was perusing the yahoo.com top stories for post ideas, a couple different stories peaked my interest. I'll give you a glimpse of some of the better ones before I get into the meat and potatoes of this post.
 
            There is a labor dispute that might cancel the Belmont Stakes this Saturday, which would ruin our chances to see the first Triple Crown winner in 34 years. The NYRA (New York Racing Association) and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers Local 3 have been arguing over scheduling and wage changes. The Local 3 workers have been authorized to strike at any time when a resolution was not reached earlier in the week. This is a story for another post. I need to do a little more research before I start blogging about the impact of unions in today's workplace.

          "Vampire" bones have been discovered in Bulgaria. Well, skeletons impaled on iron rods before they were buried. This was supposed to keep them from rising from the dead. Mission accomplished I guess. Whether they were vampires or not is irrelevant. It was just an interesting story.

            There is a Dutch company selling one-way tickets to Mars in an effort to fund their plan to inhabit the Red Planet by 2023. Anyone see Total Recall? If this story means were closer to chicks with three boobs, I'm on board!

            There was also a story of a high school track star, that already one a state title, helping a fellow distance runner cross the finish line after she collapsed from muscle failure 20 feet before completing the 3,200 meter race. This is a great story of athletes showing extreme sportsmanship and the bond that distance runners have with each other. Selfless behavior like this should be made more public. It'd be good for younger kids to see a performance like this so they know that there are more important things in the world than their own spoiled little lives.

          Anyway, what I'd really like to say here is, LIGHTEN UP! I came across another story after doing some more extensive research. An Electronics company called Asus was unveiling some of it's new computer equipment at a tech convention, Computex 2012. Anyone that has half a brain knows that sex sells. Even the nerds that make some of the most complex gadgets we use today. During these tech exhibits, "booth babes" are used to draw attention to a company's newest creations. These scantily clad women are used strictly for eye candy. For example, would you stop at a table to check out computer equipment if there was a young man with pimples and a tucked-in shirt in front of it? Or would you stop at the table with the smoking hot broad, ripe with cleavage? Exactly, so we all know what these women are there to do.

          The company, using the amazing world of social media, tweeted a picture of their "booth babe" demonstrating their Transformer AIO (All-in-One). The caption of the picture is where the problem started.

          As you can see, the picture shows the back side of this "booth babe" showing off the goods. It's fair to say she has a pretty nice dumpster. Asus tweets a little joke about how nice it looks next to their new AIO. Seems harmless. It should be harmless, it's just a joke. Everyone has made that joke before in some way or another. This tweet was taken down almost immediately because of the backlash it received from the twitterverse. Cries of sexism flooded the web and forced the company to offer an apology and a promise that steps are being taken to ensure something like this won't happen again. In other words, someone is getting fired over this pretty funny tweet. Really? Lighten up!

         It's no secret that the tech industry is largely dominated by men. Or maybe it is to you if you don't pay attention. Anyway, now you know. This tweet started a wave of comments trashing Asus for it's use of "booth babes" and accused them of alienating female customers with sexist comments. I'm 94% sure the company does not wish to limit it's consumer base to just men. That would be stupid, and you can't be stupid and make some of the equipment this company makes. It was simply a light-hearted joke. And to be quite honest, I would take it as a compliment if it was me in the photo. It's a nice way of saying she has a sweet can. Maybe a thank you is in order. Probably not, but let's get serious. Everyone needs to relax a little bit. The important thing is the amazing features of the Transformer AIO. Let's focus on that and all the people in the background checking out the impressive computer. There is no need to get all hot and bothered over a harmless tweet. Again, lighten up!

        This country has lined the floor with egg shells and it's getting ridiculous. You can't say anything anymore without someone getting offended and making it a national news story. Relax. Trust me, it's not a big deal. If that tweet wasn't removed, you'd still go on living. You'd probably realize it was just a joke and stop being such a pussy about it. How many of you get offended when I mention going down to the homeless shelter with a sack of Ham Sandwiches and getting Hand-jobs till I pass out? What? That's what I thought. Just relax and continue to pursue happiness. 

Strong Willed - Here Comes the Zombie Apocalypse!

Here Comes the Zombie Apocalypse!

      Hello fellow ham sandwich lovers! Guess what is on the menu tonight? YOU! If you have not heard about the recent events in Miami, Florida, Maryland, and New Jersey then you really need to. In Miami a 31 year old man attacked and chewed the face off of a homeless man. 65 year old Ronald Poppo was brutally attacked by Rudy Eugene on a Miami causeway in broad daylight. Police shot Eugene to try to get him off of Poppo. He growled and kept right on eating his face. A few bullets later the attack was over and Poppo was still alive but only had one eye remaining, no nose and 75% of his face was gone. A bloody mess to say the least. The attacker was reported to be on a new form of bath salts. Whatever it was it sounds like zombie behavior to me. 

      In Maryland a man stabbed and killed his roommate with a knife. All the fast food joints in town were closed and after working up an appetite killing his roommate the killer decided the next best thing to a whopper was his roommate’s heart and brain. Maybe he thought he would have more brainpower on that diet but this also sounds to me like, you guessed it, zombie behavior. However this killer was not killed by police like the one in Miami. I would love to see the police interrogate him. COP: “why did you devour his heart and brain?” KILLER:” I had the munchies. Oh shit! Am I gonna get a drug charge too?” There was no reported reason for this attack. Since the Miami attack was blamed on drugs I will stick with the trend and blame drugs for this one as well. The culprit had to be marijuana and the worst case of the munchies in history. The man was merely trying to replace the brain cells he burned smoking pot and had the munchies so he tried to kill two birds with one stone. They say you get creative on weed so here’s your proof.

         The case in New Jersey had a man cutting himself open, tearing out his intestines, and throwing them at the cops. What the hell are you supposed to say to that if you are the responding officer? Drop your guts? Being able to rip out your own guts and throw them at people qualifies as borderline zombie behavior. I’m also pretty sure that guy died. Just an educated guess. This one was also blamed on bath salts.

       So do I think a zombie apocalypse is really gonna happen? No not really. I think it has about as good a chance as Henny getting a BJ from Jennifer Lopez in return for a ham sandwich. Is it possible? Maybe. If some asswipe decided to put bath salts in a city water supply who knows what might happen. Some scary shit could break out. All I can suggest is shoot em in the head. Aim carefully. Ammo is more expensive than gas. And get as far away from populated areas as possible. China for instance would be the worst place to go. You don’t need 3 billion Chinese zombies mistaking you for a large stalk of brockery (broccoli). Go to Alaska. Not too many people there. 

       So even though I don’t think it will happen, the signs are there. It’s a possibility. Be ready for anything. If some weirdo tries to bite you kick him in the nuts. If that does not work it is probably a zombie. Just remember, ONE SHOT ONE KILL! Ammo is expensive. And if Jessica Simpson becomes a zombie leave her alone, she’s mine. And Henny, just a suggestion, stay away from the bums that are already eating other bums. Apparently ham sandwiches don’t quite cut it for a zombie.

              -Written by Will

From Josh With Love - They're Coming to Get You Barbara

They’re Coming to Get You Barbara

There is very little inevitability in this world. It’s my humble opinion that life is worth living because we don’t know what is going to happen to us. And while that worth varies from person to person, the majority of us go about our business because life’s uncertainties outweigh the inevitable. In other words, more specifically Bob Dylan’s words, we “keep on keepin’ on”. 

Even still, there are things that are certain to happen. We’re all going to die. A hot girl who’s only desire in life is to be famous but can’t attain it on skill or merit will fuck some dude on tape; most likely with weird lighting, on a boat, an out of focus camera or with awkward TV newscast in the background. The Cubs are not going to win the pennant. You’re never going to finish that screenplay, no matter how many hours you log on your MacBook at the local coffee shop. The answer to life isn’t going to be found at the bottom of that next $2 Yuengling, but I’ll be dammed if I stop looking. The Zombie invasion is going to happen. In fact, it already started. 

On Saturday afternoon, Rudy Eugene chewed 75 to 80 percent of another man’s face off in what doctors and police are theorizing was a drug-induced psychosis, most likely from a new strain of LSD called “bath salts”. Mr. Eugene decided to strip naked and started gnawing at this guys face. He was even swallowing parts of his flesh. When cops approached him he just started growling and continuing his epidermis surf and turf. Oh, he was also naked. Eventually the cops shot him multiple times. There are other accounts in the area of people acting in a psychotic state. There was one instance where another naked man injured 13 people trying to subdue him and others where the jaw was used as a weapon. Apparently many of these cases the person is naked because the drug is so intense they have to find a way to cool their body down. The drug makes them in a state of complete delirium. 

First of all, let’s just say that this drug must be awesome. Even the Merry Pranksters couldn’t have imagined a trip that ended this way. But does this story end with just a poor chemical reaction? Add to this the case of a Maryland man who cut up a friend of the family and ate his brain and the Hackensack man who cut out his own intestines and threw them at the cops. Now, I admit that the latter isn’t exactly peculiar behavior for Hackensack but nevertheless, these are clearly indicative of something greater. 

The only thing scarier of the zombie invasion is how grossly unprepared we are. For decades we’ve been privy to zombie carnage on the silver screen yet have done very little, if anything, to thwart the oncoming invasion. We need to start paying attention and developing a strategy. I personally think this is a perfect time for Mr. Schwarzkopf to make his triumphant return. On a side note, there’s this. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=schwarzkopf+snl&mid=82E5897C92CD81E5FC6B82E5897C92CD81E5FC6B&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1

There are several keys to successfully navigating a war with the dead. We need access to lots of supplies such firearms, walkie talkies, ballistics, well fueled vehicles, food, water and the like. However, the most important thing is due diligence. We need to know the enemy. This is where paying close attention to these stories over the next several days will be critical. It’s hard to see what type of zombies these are. One thing for sure is that they are super aggressive and non-responsive to law enforcement. Still, we need more information. For instance, if these are Night of the Living Dead zombies, a steady supply of ammunition would likely suffice and we’ll most likely be safe around water. If it’s Shaun of the Dead zombies we’ll need plenty of terrible British 45’s. If they’re 28 Days Later zombies, we’re fucked. So do yourself a favor, start hoarding guns (I suggest like Reba McIntyre’s basement in Tremors style) and pay close attention to the characteristics of these attacks. That, and make lots of ham sandwiches, because you never know when a handjob might save your life.   

           -Written by Josh

FREEZE! You Have The Right To Remain Fat.

            Without going into too much detail, I've had the opportunity to observe a large number of police officers around my community the last few days. During my observation, I put them all into three categories.

Category I: Standard, In Shape - These officers were what you'd think a police officer should look like. They were in good shape and well groomed. Their uniform was squared away. Neatly tucked in, pouches and badges in the right places. Overall they were good looking individuals. You would assume they could run down an assailant and bring them to justice. They were the kind of authority figure you would respect and have no problem listening to. Both men and women had representatives in this category. Now, let's take a look at the numbers. To make it easy, I'll say I rated 100 officers. Six of them would fit into this category. For the mathematically impaired, that's 6% of the officers I observed. Not a very good percentage if you ask me. Even if you don't ask me, it's still awfully shitty.

Category II: Average, Not Terribly Fat - These officers were not in great shape but, like the title suggests, not terribly fat. They had a little extra baggage above the belt. These officers looked like they didn't work out regularly, if at all. Walking from one place to another was about the extent of their exercise. Their uniforms were still in order, just tucked in tightly over the belly. You would assume they could run down a larger criminal or at least keep them in sight until back-up arrived. They would get a little respect. Maybe they put in long hours at the desk and didn't have time to work out. Or some other bullshit excuse. Numbers wise, let's take a look. Again out of 100 police officers, 40 of them fit into Category II. If you still haven't figured out percentages, that's 40%. That's a lot of fairly large cops out there.

Category III: Ridiculous, Crazy Fat - This is where it gets out of hand. These officers were well over weight. The only thing I could assume with confidence is that they had a sugary snack on their person. If they had 8 cargo pockets, 6 of them were filled with Little Debbie's. Their uniforms were struggling to keep it together. Their hair was all out of place. They looked more and more out of breath with every step. It was embarrasing to watch. If someone in a wheel chair robbed a bank, got knocked out of their chair, had their hands broken and had to crawl away; they would still be able to out-run these monsters. The only exercise they get is trying to swing their arms around to wipe their ass. Since they probably shit 5 or 6 times a day, they figure it's good enough. It's not! I don't respect anything they have to say. Someone that large doesn't deserve any respect from me, or you for that matter. The fact that they are in a position of authority makes me sick to my stomach. If you skipped ahead and figured out the percentage of law enforcement officials that fit into this category, you were right. It's 54%. That means a majority of the police officers in the Falls Church area of Virginia are extrememly overweight. Disgustingly overweight even. What's the solution?

              How about a standard of some sort? If you are "this" tall, you should weigh "this" much. Seems pretty easy to me. If you don't meet the requirements, you get put on a program. A diet and exercise plan set up by a professional. You need to abide by it or face disciplinary action. Police officers are supposed to be people you can look up to. Someone you can go to for advice. Someone you can go to for help. I wouldn't go to the fatties in Category III unless I needed help eating EVERYTHING in sight.

             I know I said it before but it really makes me sick that these people walk around trying to enforce the law. Why should I listen to anything they have to say? They can't even see their own dick and they are supposed to tell me how to live my life. I don't think so. Get your shit together so you have some sort of respectable appearance to the public. I'm not saying everyone needs to have a six-pack or bench-press 300 lbs. But at least be in good enough shape to walk up the steps without sweating. It's a disgrace. I could take a bum to the police station and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich right on the front steps. What are they going to do? Odds are one of the big bastards from category III will try to stop me and I'll have time to finish and make another sandwich for myself to enjoy. If you've ever received a hand-job from a bum before, you know what kind of time I'm talking about here. If you haven't, it's about 20 minutes. I also want to point out that not every police officer is a fat mess. Just a majority. There are plenty of officers out there that have themselves together and deserve the badge and gun they carry. Unfortunately, most of them are out of shape and quite frankly, disgusting. If it seems like I rambled on a bit here it's because I did. I don't apologize for anything.