Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds
This month, all the television networks are gearing up to
release their new programming for the winter schedule. Some shows returned from
their hiatus’ (“30 Rock” for example), but mostly brand new shows will debut.
Two that caught my eye were “The Firm” and “Napoleon Dynamite”. The reason they
caught my eye is it continues a growing trend that Hollywood is out of ideas
and keeps recycling the same shit over and over again.
In 1991, John Grisham’s novel “The Firm” debuted to critical
acclaim. Two years later, Tom Cruise played the lead role in the movie version.
Hollywood writers decided to dust off this script and pick up the storyline
from where the 1993 movie ended. Tom Cruise was not available for the role since
he’s Tom fucking Cruise. There is a better chance Suri Cruise goes to public
school than Tom being on a network show. Also, no one would believe he was a
straight man in his early 30s. As these writers were going through the pile of
old scripts, they also landed on the 2004 cult classic “Napoleon Dynamite” and
decided to turn it into a cartoon. Oddly enough, all the actors were available
to reprise their roles. I guess there wasn’t high demand for Uncle Rico, Pedro,
and the black tranny Kip married.
Really Hollywood? There isn’t enough creativity left to
write a new TV show. Instead, scripts from 20 years ago are the new muses for
recent programs. Was American clamoring to see Napoleon Dynamite and his
updated views on tetherball and tater tots? John Grisham’s book was already
butchered by the movie, now they need to finish it off completely with the
television series. How hard is it to write a TV show? Group some hot chicks
with a few dudes, write some jokes, and have the story line make sense after each
episode. We’re not talking about curing cancer; we’re talking about a half-hour
sitcom.
It’s not just television that is ripping off older projects.
“The Karate Kid” and “Footloose” are two 80s classics that were remade
recently. I boycotted watching either, but I’d imagine it’s the same storyline
with minimal changes to make it more modern. The original movies might have
been dated, but they were perfect just the way they are. I am not even going to
waste the two hours to see Will Smith’s kid exact revenge on bullies since I’ve
already seen Daniel LaRusso do it a hundred times. Plus, you get the weird
sexual tension between him and Mr. Miyagi. I know the current version wouldn’t
touch that subject with a ten foot pole.
While researching this article, I saw a website where there
are currently 50 remakes in discussion. 50?!?! One of them being “Point Break”.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Unless they can resurrect Patrick Swayze
from the grave, this movie has no chance of succeeding. And I don’t think I’ll
be seeing Swayz-dog riding waves anytime soon. So Hollywood, for the love of
God, just write some new shit. It doesn’t even have to be good. Just something
new. You got a responsibility, writers of Hollywood. Instead of remaking an
older project like some goon on the porch, you should get off your asses and
think of a new fucking idea.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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