Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: Thanksgiving Edition
In my last installment of this disaster of a theme, I’m on the road to the Poconos to celebrate Thanksgiving with family and friends. A road trip to the Poconos is worthy of a write-up since I only go home three times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, & some point in the spring/summer). In comparison, I have been to Taco Bell three times in the past five weeks.
Thanksgiving Eve: This unofficial holiday is the biggest bar night of the year, according to the experts. I guess people view this as a day to get blackout drunk with old friends (or what I call “any weekend”) and try to hook up with the girl that got a lot hotter since you graduated high school years ago. Since I am a conformist, I joined my friends for an expected night of debauchery. Since our hometown is boring as shit, we head out to a bar scene by a local college. It’s not too bad, but the best part of it is the hotel room we crash in. It is right above a bar, and pretty cheap. It also allows you to go to two of the three main bars in the area without stepping outside. After an aggressive pre-game (our friends debated what our fantasy team names would have been if we were in a league on September 12th, 2001), we just slowly killed our livers. The only worthwhile story is how my new catchphrase started a chick fight. An inebriated lady came up as my friends were ordering bear fights and asked me if I could help her send a text message from her phone. Showing the idiot how to do so from her phone, she then demanded I text her friend how to get to the bar. Since I am not a fan of being told what to do, I decided to text the following directions: Fuck your dick. I realize my catchphrase is offensive, but it conveys the necessary sentiment when used appropriately. Upon my FYD message, I got out before the drunkard noticed. As she was holding up her phone and stumbling, my friend noticed the message and realized she got Boyded. As he was laughing at her, I guess she saw another white trash girl and decided to take her frustrations out on this girl’s face. Several slaps later, she got the boot and I laughed for 27 straight minutes.
Thanksgiving: What a great day for gluttony. All you do is hang out with family, eat throughout the day, and watch football. Since most of my family stayed in New York/New Jersey, my parents and I had a quiet day together. For the first time in a decade, the Lions were going to play a meaningful early game. The Lions and Cowboys play every year on Thanksgiving as part of their tradition (both owners at the time realized it was an easy way to make money) and recently, the NFL added a random night game. The Lions have been dreadful for years, but finally built a contender. With a matchup against the undefeated Packers scheduled, people were awaiting this game for weeks. It was competitive until Ndamukong Suh decided to use someone’s arm as a floor mat and then Green Bay shit all over Detroit. Luckily, the Cowboys/Dolphins game was more competitive. The good thing about the Thanksgiving games is the retarded trophy they hand out after each game. FOX has been handing out the Galloping Gobbler for years. I can’t imagine Emmitt Smith’s mantle featuring the Gobbler among his many legitimate awards. CBS’ Phil Simms hands out the All-Iron Award, complete with a skillet of blackberry cobbler made by Simms’ mom. I miss the days when John Madden handed out turkey legs to his MVPs from his mutant eight-legged turkey. Apparently the night game hands out some sort of pie to the player of the game, but I didn’t know that since I pass out by halftime of the night game. Since the Ravens suffocated the 49ers this year, it helped me ease into the food-induced coma.
Speaking of food, a person doesn’t typically eat turkey, stuffing, cranberries, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, or pumpkin pie, much less gorge on these items, expect for Thanksgiving. Two quick notes about the food: First, since deep frying a turkey is becoming more common, I love that more media outlets teach you the do’s and don’ts of deep frying the turkey. Mainly the “Don’t deep fry the turkey indoors” note. Seriously, if you can’t figure out that you should deep fry many gallons of grease at 325 degrees Fahrenheit outdoors, please let me know so I can hit you in the head with a tack hammer. Second, green bean casserole fools me every year. I think of the green bean as I think of an ugly bang sack from back in the day. I only wanted to be around either if times were desperate. Then, I see the green bean/bang sack all dressed up (cream of mushroom soup & fried onions/make-up & jacked up cleavage) after a long hiatus and think its all good. WRONG! It still sucks and you have nothing but regret the next day.
Black Friday: I will never get this day. Great sales starting at the butt crack of dawn and people instinctively flock to the stores like the salmon of Capistrano. I don’t see the deals as being that special, but I am not shopping savvy. In the Poconos, I was reading about a guy who was camping at a store Tuesday afternoon to shop at Thursday midnight. He was camping over 60 hours to save. That is insane. I hope he got what he wanted, but if not, whatever, fuck him. Otherwise, there are usually some decent sports on. College football usually has some good rivalry games. This year featured LSU take on Arkansas in a game with championship implications. It was a good game until LSU remembered it was good and destroyed the Razorbacks. Also, the NHL is trying to start a new tradition by playing a game on network TV. This year featured the Red Wings beating the Bruins in a shootout. I hope this tradition sticks.
Thanksgiving Weekend: Leftovers and two nights of blacking out. I may have slept in a trunk on Friday night. Enough said.
That brings you to end of my traveling adventure. There was laughter, there was tears, that was even some vomit. I hope you all enjoyed it. If not, fuck your dick
-Written by Marcus Boyd
No comments:
Post a Comment