You Can't Avoid Boyd - Mo Money, Mo Problems

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Sports and hip hop; two very different aspects of life that blend very well together. Each is involved with the other. Rap music plays a role in today’s modern athlete. Most artists are fascinated by the sports scene, whether it is supporting one’s team (everyone but Jay-Z) or being an owner (Hova). This past week, we had two stories where both worlds collided and ignorance was involved in each case.

Last Thursday night, most of the sports world was buzzing on how the San Antonio Spurs had their 20 game winning streak snapped by the Oklahoma City Thunder. Another story that picked up steam was how the Oklahoma City Thunder denied rapper Lil Wayne seats to the game. The rapper has asked for four front row seats just prior to the game and team officials informed him none were available. Instead of just letting it be, Lil Wayne took to Twitter to complain about this snub. When Thunder players Kevin Durant and James Harden offered to hook him up with seats to another game, Wayne played the race card and insisted white management refused to accommodate a black artist. The team stood by its claim that no front row seats were available, and other seating options were refused. Lil Wayne has insinuated that he may avoid the area altogether as a result of this snub.

I really don’t know how to say this more diplomatically: shut the fuck up Lil Wayne. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. The team couldn’t hook you up with your last minute request for free front row tickets and you flip out. I’m not sure if you have noticed, but the Thunder has sold out every playoff game thus far. These are legitimate sellouts where every seat is full, not some bullshit Fenway Park sellout where the tickets might be sold but there are plenty of seats are empty. By the simplest concept of economics, this is a supply and demand issue. There are not enough tickets to satisfy Thunder fans who are willing to pay, much less free loading rappers who are trying to get premium seats comped to him.

Last I checked, Lil Wayne has no connection to the OKC Thunder. We are not talking about a superfan, like Spike Lee for the Knicks or Jack Nicholson for the Lakers. This is just a guy who was looking to attend a playoff game. Lil Wayne has attended several games, most notably Heat games. The team owed him nothing in trying to hook up the music star. Wayne also suggested that his presence typically inspires the home team to perform better. This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, post Zombie Apocalypse. The Thunder haven’t lost since this incident. Also, if Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden need a rapper in the stands to play motivated in the playoffs, then my respect for those three just hit the shits. Last, please don’t tell me you are going to deprive your fans of ever performing in the Oklahoma area because the Thunder couldn’t handle your ticket request. Lil Wayne, you are a talented musician, but you need to get off your high horse.

Last week, Justin Combs, son of rap mogul, Sean “Diddy”Combs, was awarded a full football scholarship from UCLA. Several in the media thought the younger Combs should give back the $54,000 scholarship because of his family’s wealth and the current financial issues facing schools in California. Diddy is valued at over $500 million and people argued that Combs was improperly using state funds and preventing someone more deserving from getting that scholarship. Both the student athlete and the school stood by their decisions.

First off, athletic scholarships do not use state funds. It is comprised of money earned through the sport. Also, they are awarded based on merit, not financial need. Combs was recruited by several D-1 schools last year and had a 3.75 GPA. He is entitled to this scholarship.

Second, why is Diddy getting scrutinized over this? Diddy is not the first rich person to see his child get a scholarship. Michael Jordan’s kid is getting a free ride and he isn’t exactly slumming it. No one was upset that Andrew Luck received a scholarship at Stanford, despite his family’s finances. His father, Oliver, played in the NFL and is currently the athletic director at West Virginia. I can understand if Justin was not a talented football player. However, he was rated a three-star recruit by most. Three-star recruits get scholarships, regardless of their last name. Diddy is being scapegoated unfairly.

We are dealing with two situations where one rapper trying to use his stature for his own selfishness while another rapper is being punished for his successes. I am sure Lil Wayne can afford tickets to a basketball game, yet no one is trashing him. Why doesn’t the media shift their attention from an 18-year-old and start asking questions about Lil Wayne and his spoiled brat antics? Since the scholarship was awarded, Diddy has only made one statement, stating how proud he is of his son. I feel like if Lil Wayne and Justin Combs were in Henny’s usual predicament, Lil Wayne would be complaining the bum didn’t blow him for just showing up behind the alley, while Combs would have worked hard to obtain the ham and the bread, earning his justified handjob.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

Don't Get Your Panties in a Bunch, It's Just a Tweet.

             I've written a lot of posts on here since the creation of Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches back in March of 2011. So please excuse me if this is a repeat topic. As I was perusing the yahoo.com top stories for post ideas, a couple different stories peaked my interest. I'll give you a glimpse of some of the better ones before I get into the meat and potatoes of this post.
 
            There is a labor dispute that might cancel the Belmont Stakes this Saturday, which would ruin our chances to see the first Triple Crown winner in 34 years. The NYRA (New York Racing Association) and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers Local 3 have been arguing over scheduling and wage changes. The Local 3 workers have been authorized to strike at any time when a resolution was not reached earlier in the week. This is a story for another post. I need to do a little more research before I start blogging about the impact of unions in today's workplace.

          "Vampire" bones have been discovered in Bulgaria. Well, skeletons impaled on iron rods before they were buried. This was supposed to keep them from rising from the dead. Mission accomplished I guess. Whether they were vampires or not is irrelevant. It was just an interesting story.

            There is a Dutch company selling one-way tickets to Mars in an effort to fund their plan to inhabit the Red Planet by 2023. Anyone see Total Recall? If this story means were closer to chicks with three boobs, I'm on board!

            There was also a story of a high school track star, that already one a state title, helping a fellow distance runner cross the finish line after she collapsed from muscle failure 20 feet before completing the 3,200 meter race. This is a great story of athletes showing extreme sportsmanship and the bond that distance runners have with each other. Selfless behavior like this should be made more public. It'd be good for younger kids to see a performance like this so they know that there are more important things in the world than their own spoiled little lives.

          Anyway, what I'd really like to say here is, LIGHTEN UP! I came across another story after doing some more extensive research. An Electronics company called Asus was unveiling some of it's new computer equipment at a tech convention, Computex 2012. Anyone that has half a brain knows that sex sells. Even the nerds that make some of the most complex gadgets we use today. During these tech exhibits, "booth babes" are used to draw attention to a company's newest creations. These scantily clad women are used strictly for eye candy. For example, would you stop at a table to check out computer equipment if there was a young man with pimples and a tucked-in shirt in front of it? Or would you stop at the table with the smoking hot broad, ripe with cleavage? Exactly, so we all know what these women are there to do.

          The company, using the amazing world of social media, tweeted a picture of their "booth babe" demonstrating their Transformer AIO (All-in-One). The caption of the picture is where the problem started.

          As you can see, the picture shows the back side of this "booth babe" showing off the goods. It's fair to say she has a pretty nice dumpster. Asus tweets a little joke about how nice it looks next to their new AIO. Seems harmless. It should be harmless, it's just a joke. Everyone has made that joke before in some way or another. This tweet was taken down almost immediately because of the backlash it received from the twitterverse. Cries of sexism flooded the web and forced the company to offer an apology and a promise that steps are being taken to ensure something like this won't happen again. In other words, someone is getting fired over this pretty funny tweet. Really? Lighten up!

         It's no secret that the tech industry is largely dominated by men. Or maybe it is to you if you don't pay attention. Anyway, now you know. This tweet started a wave of comments trashing Asus for it's use of "booth babes" and accused them of alienating female customers with sexist comments. I'm 94% sure the company does not wish to limit it's consumer base to just men. That would be stupid, and you can't be stupid and make some of the equipment this company makes. It was simply a light-hearted joke. And to be quite honest, I would take it as a compliment if it was me in the photo. It's a nice way of saying she has a sweet can. Maybe a thank you is in order. Probably not, but let's get serious. Everyone needs to relax a little bit. The important thing is the amazing features of the Transformer AIO. Let's focus on that and all the people in the background checking out the impressive computer. There is no need to get all hot and bothered over a harmless tweet. Again, lighten up!

        This country has lined the floor with egg shells and it's getting ridiculous. You can't say anything anymore without someone getting offended and making it a national news story. Relax. Trust me, it's not a big deal. If that tweet wasn't removed, you'd still go on living. You'd probably realize it was just a joke and stop being such a pussy about it. How many of you get offended when I mention going down to the homeless shelter with a sack of Ham Sandwiches and getting Hand-jobs till I pass out? What? That's what I thought. Just relax and continue to pursue happiness. 

Strong Willed - Here Comes the Zombie Apocalypse!

Here Comes the Zombie Apocalypse!

      Hello fellow ham sandwich lovers! Guess what is on the menu tonight? YOU! If you have not heard about the recent events in Miami, Florida, Maryland, and New Jersey then you really need to. In Miami a 31 year old man attacked and chewed the face off of a homeless man. 65 year old Ronald Poppo was brutally attacked by Rudy Eugene on a Miami causeway in broad daylight. Police shot Eugene to try to get him off of Poppo. He growled and kept right on eating his face. A few bullets later the attack was over and Poppo was still alive but only had one eye remaining, no nose and 75% of his face was gone. A bloody mess to say the least. The attacker was reported to be on a new form of bath salts. Whatever it was it sounds like zombie behavior to me. 

      In Maryland a man stabbed and killed his roommate with a knife. All the fast food joints in town were closed and after working up an appetite killing his roommate the killer decided the next best thing to a whopper was his roommate’s heart and brain. Maybe he thought he would have more brainpower on that diet but this also sounds to me like, you guessed it, zombie behavior. However this killer was not killed by police like the one in Miami. I would love to see the police interrogate him. COP: “why did you devour his heart and brain?” KILLER:” I had the munchies. Oh shit! Am I gonna get a drug charge too?” There was no reported reason for this attack. Since the Miami attack was blamed on drugs I will stick with the trend and blame drugs for this one as well. The culprit had to be marijuana and the worst case of the munchies in history. The man was merely trying to replace the brain cells he burned smoking pot and had the munchies so he tried to kill two birds with one stone. They say you get creative on weed so here’s your proof.

         The case in New Jersey had a man cutting himself open, tearing out his intestines, and throwing them at the cops. What the hell are you supposed to say to that if you are the responding officer? Drop your guts? Being able to rip out your own guts and throw them at people qualifies as borderline zombie behavior. I’m also pretty sure that guy died. Just an educated guess. This one was also blamed on bath salts.

       So do I think a zombie apocalypse is really gonna happen? No not really. I think it has about as good a chance as Henny getting a BJ from Jennifer Lopez in return for a ham sandwich. Is it possible? Maybe. If some asswipe decided to put bath salts in a city water supply who knows what might happen. Some scary shit could break out. All I can suggest is shoot em in the head. Aim carefully. Ammo is more expensive than gas. And get as far away from populated areas as possible. China for instance would be the worst place to go. You don’t need 3 billion Chinese zombies mistaking you for a large stalk of brockery (broccoli). Go to Alaska. Not too many people there. 

       So even though I don’t think it will happen, the signs are there. It’s a possibility. Be ready for anything. If some weirdo tries to bite you kick him in the nuts. If that does not work it is probably a zombie. Just remember, ONE SHOT ONE KILL! Ammo is expensive. And if Jessica Simpson becomes a zombie leave her alone, she’s mine. And Henny, just a suggestion, stay away from the bums that are already eating other bums. Apparently ham sandwiches don’t quite cut it for a zombie.

              -Written by Will

From Josh With Love - They're Coming to Get You Barbara

They’re Coming to Get You Barbara

There is very little inevitability in this world. It’s my humble opinion that life is worth living because we don’t know what is going to happen to us. And while that worth varies from person to person, the majority of us go about our business because life’s uncertainties outweigh the inevitable. In other words, more specifically Bob Dylan’s words, we “keep on keepin’ on”. 

Even still, there are things that are certain to happen. We’re all going to die. A hot girl who’s only desire in life is to be famous but can’t attain it on skill or merit will fuck some dude on tape; most likely with weird lighting, on a boat, an out of focus camera or with awkward TV newscast in the background. The Cubs are not going to win the pennant. You’re never going to finish that screenplay, no matter how many hours you log on your MacBook at the local coffee shop. The answer to life isn’t going to be found at the bottom of that next $2 Yuengling, but I’ll be dammed if I stop looking. The Zombie invasion is going to happen. In fact, it already started. 

On Saturday afternoon, Rudy Eugene chewed 75 to 80 percent of another man’s face off in what doctors and police are theorizing was a drug-induced psychosis, most likely from a new strain of LSD called “bath salts”. Mr. Eugene decided to strip naked and started gnawing at this guys face. He was even swallowing parts of his flesh. When cops approached him he just started growling and continuing his epidermis surf and turf. Oh, he was also naked. Eventually the cops shot him multiple times. There are other accounts in the area of people acting in a psychotic state. There was one instance where another naked man injured 13 people trying to subdue him and others where the jaw was used as a weapon. Apparently many of these cases the person is naked because the drug is so intense they have to find a way to cool their body down. The drug makes them in a state of complete delirium. 

First of all, let’s just say that this drug must be awesome. Even the Merry Pranksters couldn’t have imagined a trip that ended this way. But does this story end with just a poor chemical reaction? Add to this the case of a Maryland man who cut up a friend of the family and ate his brain and the Hackensack man who cut out his own intestines and threw them at the cops. Now, I admit that the latter isn’t exactly peculiar behavior for Hackensack but nevertheless, these are clearly indicative of something greater. 

The only thing scarier of the zombie invasion is how grossly unprepared we are. For decades we’ve been privy to zombie carnage on the silver screen yet have done very little, if anything, to thwart the oncoming invasion. We need to start paying attention and developing a strategy. I personally think this is a perfect time for Mr. Schwarzkopf to make his triumphant return. On a side note, there’s this. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=schwarzkopf+snl&mid=82E5897C92CD81E5FC6B82E5897C92CD81E5FC6B&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1

There are several keys to successfully navigating a war with the dead. We need access to lots of supplies such firearms, walkie talkies, ballistics, well fueled vehicles, food, water and the like. However, the most important thing is due diligence. We need to know the enemy. This is where paying close attention to these stories over the next several days will be critical. It’s hard to see what type of zombies these are. One thing for sure is that they are super aggressive and non-responsive to law enforcement. Still, we need more information. For instance, if these are Night of the Living Dead zombies, a steady supply of ammunition would likely suffice and we’ll most likely be safe around water. If it’s Shaun of the Dead zombies we’ll need plenty of terrible British 45’s. If they’re 28 Days Later zombies, we’re fucked. So do yourself a favor, start hoarding guns (I suggest like Reba McIntyre’s basement in Tremors style) and pay close attention to the characteristics of these attacks. That, and make lots of ham sandwiches, because you never know when a handjob might save your life.   

           -Written by Josh

FREEZE! You Have The Right To Remain Fat.

            Without going into too much detail, I've had the opportunity to observe a large number of police officers around my community the last few days. During my observation, I put them all into three categories.

Category I: Standard, In Shape - These officers were what you'd think a police officer should look like. They were in good shape and well groomed. Their uniform was squared away. Neatly tucked in, pouches and badges in the right places. Overall they were good looking individuals. You would assume they could run down an assailant and bring them to justice. They were the kind of authority figure you would respect and have no problem listening to. Both men and women had representatives in this category. Now, let's take a look at the numbers. To make it easy, I'll say I rated 100 officers. Six of them would fit into this category. For the mathematically impaired, that's 6% of the officers I observed. Not a very good percentage if you ask me. Even if you don't ask me, it's still awfully shitty.

Category II: Average, Not Terribly Fat - These officers were not in great shape but, like the title suggests, not terribly fat. They had a little extra baggage above the belt. These officers looked like they didn't work out regularly, if at all. Walking from one place to another was about the extent of their exercise. Their uniforms were still in order, just tucked in tightly over the belly. You would assume they could run down a larger criminal or at least keep them in sight until back-up arrived. They would get a little respect. Maybe they put in long hours at the desk and didn't have time to work out. Or some other bullshit excuse. Numbers wise, let's take a look. Again out of 100 police officers, 40 of them fit into Category II. If you still haven't figured out percentages, that's 40%. That's a lot of fairly large cops out there.

Category III: Ridiculous, Crazy Fat - This is where it gets out of hand. These officers were well over weight. The only thing I could assume with confidence is that they had a sugary snack on their person. If they had 8 cargo pockets, 6 of them were filled with Little Debbie's. Their uniforms were struggling to keep it together. Their hair was all out of place. They looked more and more out of breath with every step. It was embarrasing to watch. If someone in a wheel chair robbed a bank, got knocked out of their chair, had their hands broken and had to crawl away; they would still be able to out-run these monsters. The only exercise they get is trying to swing their arms around to wipe their ass. Since they probably shit 5 or 6 times a day, they figure it's good enough. It's not! I don't respect anything they have to say. Someone that large doesn't deserve any respect from me, or you for that matter. The fact that they are in a position of authority makes me sick to my stomach. If you skipped ahead and figured out the percentage of law enforcement officials that fit into this category, you were right. It's 54%. That means a majority of the police officers in the Falls Church area of Virginia are extrememly overweight. Disgustingly overweight even. What's the solution?

              How about a standard of some sort? If you are "this" tall, you should weigh "this" much. Seems pretty easy to me. If you don't meet the requirements, you get put on a program. A diet and exercise plan set up by a professional. You need to abide by it or face disciplinary action. Police officers are supposed to be people you can look up to. Someone you can go to for advice. Someone you can go to for help. I wouldn't go to the fatties in Category III unless I needed help eating EVERYTHING in sight.

             I know I said it before but it really makes me sick that these people walk around trying to enforce the law. Why should I listen to anything they have to say? They can't even see their own dick and they are supposed to tell me how to live my life. I don't think so. Get your shit together so you have some sort of respectable appearance to the public. I'm not saying everyone needs to have a six-pack or bench-press 300 lbs. But at least be in good enough shape to walk up the steps without sweating. It's a disgrace. I could take a bum to the police station and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich right on the front steps. What are they going to do? Odds are one of the big bastards from category III will try to stop me and I'll have time to finish and make another sandwich for myself to enjoy. If you've ever received a hand-job from a bum before, you know what kind of time I'm talking about here. If you haven't, it's about 20 minutes. I also want to point out that not every police officer is a fat mess. Just a majority. There are plenty of officers out there that have themselves together and deserve the badge and gun they carry. Unfortunately, most of them are out of shape and quite frankly, disgusting. If it seems like I rambled on a bit here it's because I did. I don't apologize for anything.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - No Woman, No Cry

No Woman, No Cry

Serena Williams is one of the best women’s tennis players in the world. That is not up for debate. In her distinguished career, she had never lost in the first round of a Grand Slam event (Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon, and the US Open) until Tuesday. On Tuesday, she lost to some slapdick (Virginie Razzano if you must know) in the opening round in Paris. Despite being one of the favorites to win the tournament and being one point away from winning the match in straight sets, she lost to the underdog. I’m not going to get too bent out of shape on this loss. She’s pretty old for a tennis player, her 31^st birthday is in September, and she has dealt with some serious injuries in her career. The thing that really chaps my ass was when Serena Williams was caught crying DURING the match.

Serena Williams, you are a professional athlete, act like it. You blew a very winnable set, but you are still very much in the match. Tied 1-1, with one set to go for the win. You have won 41 singles titles in your career, 13 of them Grand Slams. I am sure you have faced some adversity within the game before. Stop sobbing like a little school girl who just found out some boy thinks she’s got coodies. You should have clammed up (I’m guessing that’s female equivalent to nutting up) and destroyed this French chick in the final set. Instead, you had a little pity party and let the game slip away. By the time you decided to control yourself, it was too late. The train derailed and now you are heading back to the States much sooner than anticipated.

Can you cry in sports? Absolutely. You can cry after you win a championship or your last appearance before retirement. Perhaps an emotional moment, such as the first baseball game in New York City after 9/11. However, there is no excuse to cry in the middle of the game. None whatsoever. That’s bush league Serena. Now you know why people don’t respect women sports.

I’m kidding. People don’t respect women sports for different reasons. First, the actual performance of the athletes is noticeable between men and women. Have you ever watched a WNBA game? I watched the first half of the first ever game between LA and NY. It was a glorified high school game. Set shots and lay-ups featuring something called Rebecca Lobo is not my idea of fun. The NBA might be lacking fundamentals, but it doesn’t lack entertainment or watch-ability. The WNBA has had next since 1997 and hasn’t done a god damn thing with it. A few years ago, I tried to buy playoffs tickets to a Washington Capitals playoff game. The ticket agent told me before I can purchase tickets to the hockey game; I also had to buy season tickets to their WNBA team, the Washington Mystics. Before I could tell the guy to fuck his dick, he immediately told me the season tickets could be donated to charity and used as a tax write-off. Even the ticket agent knew no one wanted these tickets. Golf is in the same boat. Women golfers are skilled, but without the consistent ability to hit long drives, no one cares who wins the Jamie Farr Classic.

Second, outside of tennis and the abortion known as the WNBA, no other sport has any significant staying power. Soccer only grabs America’s attention for the World Cup, where people come out of nowhere to go overboard with their love of soccer. Once it’s over, Americans forget about soccer for the next four years and focus on more important things, like the Kardashians. Ditto for any Olympic sports. More people are more interested on Lolo Jones’ v-card than about any event in the 2012 Summer Olympics. I apologize if my views come off as chauvinistic. I have nothing against women playing sports. I think everyone should be active in athletics and support Title IX. However, most of women’s sports are not universally marketable. That’s not opinion, that’s fact.

Women’s tennis is the only sport that can compete with the men’s version. In fact, many prefer the play of the ladies over their male counterparts. The sport will not fold because one of its stars got emotional, nor should it. It’s just another example of Serena not controlling herself (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serena_Williams#Controversies). I realize she is not a robot and has human emotions, but she is a professional athlete. Michael Jordan would have never cried if he missed free throws and lost the game for his team. She has experienced everything in tennis, from championships to frustrating losses. I am sure her years in the sport have taught her how to turn hardship into a positive. There was no excuse for the tears we saw. Maybe Tom Hanks should have said “There’s no crying! There’s no crying during the game!”

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Strong Willed - Learn How to Order

Hey there ham sandwich lovers. I am honored to have been invited to write a hammy blog. It’s nice to be a part of the entertainment. If you don’t know me my name is Will and I have known Henny since middle school. He was always a smartass yet very intelligent, we spent a great deal of time getting in trouble on the bus together on the way to school. What can I say; throwing acorns and paper balls at the bus driver was fun when we were kids. Anyway, enough about us, let’s get down to business. Since I am a pizza maker at a local pizzeria I am going to talk about the “do’s” and “don’ts” of ordering your food.

Any person who knows me knows that I am a nice guy and pretty friendly, but they also know that I am pretty easily irritated by the stupidity of the human race, that I unfortunately happen to be a part of. Every day as many people do I have to deal with people. It’s not too bad of a gig most of the time but there are days when it seems like I meet up with every idiot in the area. It comes with the territory but it’s ridiculous how some people can’t even seem to order food properly.

First off I would like to start off with saying that people should know what they want before they pick up the phone and call. We don’t have the time to sit on the phone while people yell out to other people asking them what they want. It’s a waste of our time and it’s just plain rude. We have a job to do. Real simple, make a list then call. It’s not rocket science. It’s a food order. Forrest Gump could handle it without too much effort. So could Jessica Simpson, even though she would have a little trouble if she was in the mood for a tuna sub. We might end up making her a chicken cheesesteak with anchovies and it would still be our fault even though she can’t tell the difference between chicken and fish. That’s what happens; we catch the blame when the customer is an idiot.

Secondly, I would like to point out that it is not polite to try to rush us. We try to get our orders done as fast as possible. Keep in mind that there are other hungry people that called before you and it is on a first come first serve basis. It’s like that anywhere you go. People come in and order a pie at the counter and before I am even finished making it they will ask if it’s done. I can make a pie in less than a minute in a rush so I think you get my drift. My response to those people is usually “I’m sorry but our pizza microwave is broken so we have to cook it the old fashioned way; with a pizza oven”. For the Jessica Simpson that is reading this there is no such thing as a pizza microwave. I had an older gentleman recently that came up to the counter, butted in front of the other person, and started yelling his order at me while I was busy working the oven because he apparently could not wait for the counter person to take his order. Rudely yelling your order to the busiest person in the place is not the best way to speed things along. You would think that an old person who is retired and has nothing better to do than go to the casino and spend their social security checks would be a little more patient. It’s not like it’s a life or death situation. But then again this guy was so old he may have only had minutes to live so maybe it was. I guess he really needed that meatball parm sub before he croaks. Sorry buddy but a sub before you die won’t help you get into heaven. Being patient and courteous to other people might though.

I would also like to say that telling someone “don’t fuck up my order” is probably not a good thing to say when making an order. We are a little too mature to mess with people’s food where I work but in other places that is like saying “Spit in my food” or “I would like to have my food burned”. Seriously, do people think that being rude and nasty is going to help them get a better meal? We will still make them good quality food because we care about the survival of our business and the bottom line is that the customer is the person that ultimately pays us but I highly doubt that we will take the same care that we would when a person is polite and nice when they order. I admit the fact that when a person orders from us and it is a person who is always nice and respectful; I try a little harder to make them the best quality food I can. We always do our best to make sure that we give the customer what they want. So if they are rude and obnoxious when they tell us to make their wings as hot and spicy as possible we are more than willing to oblige. Later when they are sitting on the toilet with their asshole on fire wishing they did not ask for their wings so spicy they won’t think of the fact that I am laughing at them for their stupidity.

One more thing I would like to say is to make sure you go to the right place. Read the name on the front of the shop. You look absolutely retarded when you come into a place and ask for your order only to find that you ordered from the competition down the road. Yes, that actually happens quite frequently. For some reason people don’t see the 20 foot long sign over the door when they walk in that says the name of our establishment. They don’t see the name of the place over our counter or anywhere else either. Only proves their inability to read and gives us a sigh of relief that the other guy gets to deal with that fucktard.

In closing I would just like to say that we appreciate all the customers that walk through our doors. Their patronage is what guarantees that I have a job and I’m able to pay my bills and support my children. It ensures that my boss’s dream of owning his own business stays a reality. My boss is also one of my best friends so it’s nice to be a part of it. So next time you get a hankering for some great Italian food give us a call. Be nice. Be courteous. Have a little patience. I’m sure that next time Henny is in PA and needs a ham sandwich to negotiate a handjob we can help him out. If he is a dick when he orders we will still make him a sandwich worthy of a handjob from the bum behind the dumpster out behind the shop. But if he is really nice about it we will make him a sandwich that will get him laid rather just a handjob. Hope I was able to educate and entertain my fellow ham sandwich fans.

         -Written by Will