They’re
Coming to Get You Barbara
There is
very little inevitability in this world. It’s my humble opinion that life is
worth living because we don’t know
what is going to happen to us. And while that worth varies from person to
person, the majority of us go about our business because life’s uncertainties
outweigh the inevitable. In other words, more specifically Bob Dylan’s words,
we “keep on keepin’ on”.
Even still,
there are things that are certain to happen. We’re all going to die. A hot girl
who’s only desire in life is to be famous but can’t attain it on skill or merit
will fuck some dude on tape; most likely with weird lighting, on a boat, an out
of focus camera or with awkward TV newscast in the background. The Cubs are not
going to win the pennant. You’re never going to finish that screenplay, no
matter how many hours you log on your MacBook at the local coffee shop. The
answer to life isn’t going to be found at the bottom of that next $2 Yuengling,
but I’ll be dammed if I stop looking. The Zombie invasion is going to happen. In
fact, it already started.
On Saturday
afternoon, Rudy Eugene chewed 75 to 80 percent of another man’s face off in
what doctors and police are theorizing was a drug-induced psychosis, most
likely from a new strain of LSD called “bath salts”. Mr. Eugene decided to
strip naked and started gnawing at this guys face. He was even swallowing parts
of his flesh. When cops approached him he just started growling and continuing
his epidermis surf and turf. Oh, he was also naked. Eventually the cops shot
him multiple times. There are other accounts in the area of people acting in a
psychotic state. There was one instance where another naked man injured 13
people trying to subdue him and others where the jaw was used as a weapon.
Apparently many of these cases the person is naked because the drug is so
intense they have to find a way to cool their body down. The drug makes them in
a state of complete delirium.
First of
all, let’s just say that this drug must be awesome. Even the Merry Pranksters
couldn’t have imagined a trip that ended this way. But does this story end with
just a poor chemical reaction? Add to this the case of a Maryland man who cut
up a friend of the family and ate his brain and the Hackensack man who cut out
his own intestines and threw them at the cops. Now, I admit that the latter
isn’t exactly peculiar behavior for Hackensack but nevertheless, these are
clearly indicative of something greater.
The only
thing scarier of the zombie invasion is how grossly unprepared we are. For
decades we’ve been privy to zombie carnage on the silver screen yet have done
very little, if anything, to thwart the oncoming invasion. We need to start
paying attention and developing a strategy. I personally think this is a
perfect time for Mr. Schwarzkopf to make his triumphant return. On a side note,
there’s this. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=schwarzkopf+snl&mid=82E5897C92CD81E5FC6B82E5897C92CD81E5FC6B&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1
There are
several keys to successfully navigating a war with the dead. We need access to
lots of supplies such firearms, walkie talkies, ballistics, well fueled
vehicles, food, water and the like. However, the most important thing is due
diligence. We need to know the enemy. This is where paying close attention to
these stories over the next several days will be critical. It’s hard to see
what type of zombies these are. One thing for sure is that they are super
aggressive and non-responsive to law enforcement. Still, we need more
information. For instance, if these are Night of the Living Dead zombies, a
steady supply of ammunition would likely suffice and we’ll most likely be safe
around water. If it’s Shaun of the Dead zombies we’ll need plenty of terrible
British 45’s. If they’re 28 Days Later zombies, we’re fucked. So do yourself a
favor, start hoarding guns (I suggest like Reba McIntyre’s basement in Tremors
style) and pay close attention to the characteristics of these attacks. That,
and make lots of ham sandwiches, because you never know when a handjob might save
your life.
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