You Can't Avoid Boyd - The NFL's Double-Edged Sword

The NFL’s Double-Edged Sword

The NFL is the most popular sport in America. Sundays in the fall are dominated by people watching their team and/or any team that is on television. People need football. There was no fallout from the fans after last season’s lockout. Some people may have given up their season tickets, but there were more than enough people willing to grab them. Why is the sport so popular? I don’t think there is one definitive answer, but I would say the physicalness of the sport plays a part. That’s why it’ll be interesting to see if Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crusade on safety might impact the league going forward.

Goodell has taken several measures in trying to make the game safer. First, he has handed down fines and suspensions for vicious hits. James Harrison of the Steelers is the most notable offender as he is the only player to be suspended for a tackle under Goodell. Many others have been fined for their hits. Second, he has sanctioned all those in Bountygate to the fullest extent of the law. Sean Peyton, Gregg Williams, and Jonathan Vilma are out for the year (Vilma will appeal his penalty), while five others will miss some time in 2012 for their involvement with bounties. Third, Goodell is looking into the long-term health effects of playing football, such as concussions. Former Bears safety Dave Duerson committed suicide last year by shooting himself in the chest. He didn’t shoot himself in the head because he wanted doctors to study his brain. Scientists determined that Duerson's brain tissue showed evidence of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a dementia-like brain disease afflicting athletes exposed to repeated brain trauma. It is pretty early, but people are wondering if Junior Seau, the former Chargers linebacker who killed himself on Wednesday, was suffering from the same thing.

Player safety in the NFL was something that needed to be addressed. Players are now bigger, heavier, faster, and stronger. It’s a simple issue of physics, factoring the speed and mass of these players. Also, players’ tackling skills have been getting worse for some time. Either players have gotten sloppy or lazy about practicing the basic fundamentals of tackling. It’s somewhat remarkable that no one was paralyzed or killed with a ferocious hit. However, I believe Roger Goodell has overstepped his bounds in making the game safer.

Goodell seems to have no issue setting the bar for reprimands towards player safety. Three players were fined a total of $175,000 in October 2010 after one week where we saw three players carted off. It became newsworthy since the fines were unprecedented for on-field action. Never had a personal foul been fined that much. Also, Goodell is hovering around a litigious situation for suspending Vilma for a full season. The coaches and general manger of the Saints received their punishment after it was discovered they lied to the commish about their knowledge of the bounty system during the NFL’s investigation. Early reports indicated the players were never part of the investigation. Yet, Vilma, a player who only has so many years of playing professionally, must sit out due to the implied thought that he should have been a whistleblower. I can’t see how Vilma does not sue the league for jeopardizing his career, a career that already has a very short shelf life to begin with.

Bountygate blew up after Brett Farve took a beating in the 2009 NFC championship game. He took a few cheap shots in the game. Otherwise, there is no solid evidence the Saints were a dirty football team. They paid out on hits. They were penalized at the time for any late hits or personal fouls. Bounties in the NFL are not unheard of. It’s usually kept inside the locker room. This scandal became public and allowed Goodell to get on his soap box and swing his dick around.

Let’s admit it, Goodell only cares about safety so he can save his ass. Former players have started a lawsuit about their deteriorating health from playing in the NFL. They claim the league knew how harmful concussions were in the long term and concealed these details from the team, players, and doctors. Goodell is using his tenure to eradicate the blindness of the league for the past century.

Do the fans or players care about safety? It appears to be of little concern to them. Fans want to see big hits. People used to watch Monday Night Countdown for “Jacked Up”, a segment showing the five best legal hits from Sunday. Now, people tune in to stare at Stuart Scott’s lazy eye or hear the incoherent bullshit rambling of Chris Berman. Players have admitted lying to team doctors when suffering from concussion-like symptoms, so they can keep playing. It is a shame that many NFL retirees are suffering, but these players can’t be totally surprised. The human body is not supposed to take that type of beating. Yet, no one forced these guys to play football. It was a voluntary decision with very evident risks. Are people really surprised when a chain smoker for over 15 years suffers from emphysema? So why should we be shocked when football players suffer from head injuries?

Roger Goodell is a good commissioner. He has helped improve a game that didn’t need improvement. However, this ginger needs to step off a bit on player safety. Not ignore it, but he can afford to tone it down a notch or two. It’s bad enough you could tackle a quarterback in the torso without the risk of a flag, suspension, or castration. If he wants to be a great commissioner, he can bring back America’s favorite segment and let fans rejoice in nerds getting JACKKKKED UPPPPPP!!!!!!

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

Why Is This Stuff a Story??

             I've been watching Sports Center all day today. I got a half hour of it this morning, some more of it during my lunch break, and even more when I got home from the gym. After seeing what makes the top stories I got frustrated. I was venting to my roommate and decided to air it out to everyone. Everyone that reads my blog anyway.

            Amare Stoudemire, you're an idiot! You are a professional basketball player, a very well paid professional, and you need to conduct yourself accordingly. If I was a Knicks fan I'd be very upset with this. I can understand if a player injures himself on the court. Injuries happen. But if a player that my team spent over a hundred million dollars to get decides to throw a temper tantrum and cut his hand being a retard, I'm upset. He should be fined or at least not paid for the games his misses because of his stupidity. Good thing I hate the Knicks, so fuck him!

            John Harbaugh said on a radio show that the controversy surrounding the Patriots and Saints with SpyGate and BountyGate will leave asterisks next to their championship seasons. He then released a statement saying that he could have been more clear about it and that he was referring to the public perception and not his own feelings. The big story is whether he should have said those things and if Bill Belichick will accept his apology. What? Who cares? He should have said those things. The Patriots spied on other teams and cheated, so there is an asterisk. The Saints put bounty's on other players which is illegal, so there is an asterisk. Mr. Harbaugh spoke the truth but since the media jumped in and ripped it apart he had to apologize immediately. And who cares if Belichick accepts his apology? They are opposing coaches now and if Bill didn't like what he said, then he shouldn't have cheated in the first place. I don't care that Belichick vouched for Harbaugh when he got the job with the Ravens. That has nothing to do with it. It shouldn't be a story and Harbaugh shouldn't have to apologize for anything! Everyone is always so worried about hurting people's feelings and it makes me sick. Don't cheat, plain and simple.

             I'd also like to point out that I love how bad Albert Puhols is doing so far this year. He's hitting .217 with 0 home runs and only 4 RBI's. Everyone is wondering why he's starting the season so poorly. I have an idea. It's Karma! This guy wins a World Series with the Cardinals, his second with the team. A team he was with for 11 years. Then decides to chase the money and sign with the Los Angeles Angels. Now, he's sucking it up. And I love all of it. That's what happens when there is no loyalty. The right thing to do would have been to stay with the Cardinals and try to win another one. He chose the money and now he's paying for it. Good for him.

             I'm sure there was more I was upset about but I can't think of it right now. The Flyers game just started so I'm focused on that. I'll watch this game then hopefully a Flyers win will send me to the 7-11 with a smile to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Morale of the story, it probably shouldn't even be a story.
           

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Greek Tragedy Known as Metta World Peace

The Greek Tragedy Known as Metta World Peace

On Sunday, Metta World Peace (the man formerly known as Ron Artest and the man responsible for this rant http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-should-i-change-my-name-to.html) celebrated his dunk by treating James Harden’s head like a body bag, knocking him down with a vicious elbow. Artest was immediately kicked out of the game as Harden was diagnosed with a concussion. On Monday, he took to Twitter to issue Harden a half-assed apology, mentioning he never saw Harden when he swung his elbow maliciously. I guess that’s how he celebrates. Normally, I high-five my teammate when I score a basket. World Peace goes for a Mortal Kombat fatality. By Tuesday, he was suspended for seven games. Most of the basketball world was outraged Artest only got seven games. They shouldn’t be outraged. There is nothing in this world that should surprise you regarding Ron Artest. He is officially batshit crazy.

Let’s set the record straight. In terms of craziest motherfuckers in the sports world, Mike Tyson is the king. No one can take his crown. His antics are for a different blog post for a different day. Artest/World Peace would be the prince in this messed-up monarchy. Artest grew up in the Queensbridge projects in NYC. His neighborhood was so tough, he once saw a guy get impaled by a broken chair leg during a pickup basketball game. He went to school at St. John’s University, being an integral part of the 1999 team that reached the Elite Eight.

If there was one moment that may have put Artest on the path of crazy, it was the 1999 NBA draft. Artest declared for the draft as a sophomore and was projected to be a first round pick. He was available when the New York Knicks’ turn at 15 came up. Everyone assumed it was a match made in heaven, the local kid playing for his hometown team. However, the Knicks did not feel the same as everyone else, selecting French center Frederic Weis instead. Knicks fans hated the pick immediately, booing as soon as the pick was announced. The Chicago Bulls took Artest with the next pick. Artest had tears in his eyes when giving an interview at the draft. You can tell how devastated he was to be spurned by the Knicks. I remember flipping out that the Knicks picked Frenchy over Artest (Weis never played in the NBA and is known for being dunked over by Vince Carter in the 2000 Summer Olympics.) Maybe the snub is what made Artest bipolar. In a somewhat telling sign, a 2001 book about the Knicks revealed they weren’t high on Artest because they were not sure he can handle himself well, especially playing in his hometown.

Early in his career, Artest was productive, but always did quirky things. During his rookie year, Artest applied for a part-time job at Circuit City, so he can get the employee discount. He admitted to drinking Hennessy during halftime. He once showed up to practice in a robe. In the beginning of the 2004 season, he was suspended for two games when he asked for a month off to recover from the exhaustion of promoting his upcoming rap album. Throughout his early career, he received multiple fines and suspensions for various fouls or outbursts. He was kind of a loose cannon, but officially went off the deep end on November 19^th, 2004.

The Malice in the Palace. If you are unfamiliar, here is the long story short: the Pacers-Pistons game got very chippy near the end of a Pacers blowout. Artest fouled Pistons Ben Wallace hard, so Wallace shoved Artest and started a little altercation. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, Artest lays down on the scorer’s table. A fan from the crowd threw a cup of soda and hit Artest. Artest runs in the stands to beat down a fan (it should be pointed out he attacked the wrong fan) and start World War III. Multiple Pacers are involved in fighting some of the fans and people in the arena are legitimately scared for their lives. Artest was suspended the rest of the season (86 games overall). It was probably the most surreal moment I have ever witnessed on live television (I was in class during 9/11).

You would think this would change Artest. You would think wrong. Granted, Artest stopped attacking the fans, but his random craziness never stopped. His mouth remained unfiltered and he kept getting suspended for various reasons (flagrant fouls, domestic abuse charges, etc.) His three-year tenure with the Lakers can be summed up in five events:

1. Decided to wear 37 in LA to honor Michael Jackson’s 37 consecutive weeks with the #1 album, Thriller.

2. Sealed the 2010 NBA Finals by nailing a three pointer in the clinching game.

3. He auctioned off his championship ring for charity.

4. Changed his name.

5. The elbow to Harden

No one will dispute World Peace’s on-the-court talents. He has been a solid player throughout his career. However, being solid doesn’t lead off Sportscenter. Elbowing dudes and punching fans does. Is he some sort of PR genius? Probably not. I shouldn’t necessarily call him crazy since he’s made millions in the NBA. Eccentric would be the better word. If Metta World Peace decided to quit basketball and join the Girl Scouts, I wouldn’t be surprised. This man’s sanity knows no bounds. Since I will never get 100 feet from this man, I will continue to be amazed by this man from a distance. I will wait as he tries to usurp the throne from Mike Tyson and be crowned the new king. King Crazy Motherfucker. He might as well pull off another name change to add to his distinguished resume.

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Might Be Pregnant Already!

                  "This is getting a little ridiculous." That's the first thing that came to mind when I read about the new Abortion Law passed in Arizona. The new law states that pregnancy can begin two weeks before conception. The new law states that pregnancy can begin two weeks before conception. It's not a mistake, I wrote it twice. I wanted to make sure you read it carefully.

                   Arizona law makers are taking a strong stand against abortion with this one. This is how the two week thing will affect expecting abortionees. Arizona bans all abortions after 20 weeks. Normally it's 20 weeks after conception. That date will now be calculated from the last day of the woman's period instead. What does that really mean? Let's say you found out you were pregnant in March. They can calculate the date of conception. So we'll put that date at March 10th. For whatever reason, you want an abortion. I'll get into the right and wrong of it later. Before this law passed, you had until July 28th to raise the money and get it done. With this law, which doesn't make sense by the way, you will be forced to have the procedure done by the 14th of July. Or possibly sooner, depending on the date of your last menstrual cycle.

                 Now that we have a grasp on the specifics of the law, let's talk about it on street level. First, I'd like to say that I'm Pro-Choice. There is nothing political about it for me. I feel it's up to the woman to decide. The Government shouldn't have anything to say about it. That's just how I feel. If I'm ever put in the situation where an abortion is one of the options I'm facing. I'll leave the decision up to the hooker I banged, I mean lovely significant other I was having unprotected post-marital sex with. Anyway, I'm trying to say that this is a very serious situation. There are a lot of factors in the decision making process for a young woman when it comes to abortions. I don't think they should be pressured by anyone. They need to sit there with a counselor or very close friend and figure it out. I don't agree with abortion when it's used as a contraceptive. If you are willingly sleeping around unprotected, STOP! There are, however, some serious cases where it might be warranted. In summation, it's up to the woman to decide what happens to her body. If she can have the procedure and sleep at night then it doesn't seem to be affecting my life at all. Abortion isn't even the main focus here.

                 I'd like to talk about what makes this law so stupid in the first place. "Pregnancy can begin two weeks before conception." Really? Just reading that makes me think the law makers in Arizona are retarded. They could all go to Texas and be executed with laws like that. If you are not currently menstruating, you're pregnant. That's what they are saying. I'm not even sure what else I can say about it. It sucks because I agree with Arizona's Immigration laws. Now I have to question that. And while I reevaluate my stance on immigration; I'll head over to the La Quinta Inn and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of the, most likely illegal, cleaning ladies. I'll consider it a bonus if she's pregnant.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - NHL Playoffs: The Good, The Bad and The Winehouse

The NHL Playoffs: The Good, The Bad, and The Winehouse

The NHL playoffs are a week long, and we have seen quite the show thus far. Let’s look into what’s good, what’s bad, and what has the attractiveness of a dead, ugly singer.

The Good: Playoff hockey is very consistent. Players do what it takes to win the game. Scorers aren’t afraid to block a shot or deliver a big hit. Fourth line players score big goals. The NHL is the only sport where having the home advantage means nothing. Heading into tonight’s games, the home team has only won 32% of their games. We also know teams can go as far as their hot goalie let them. Jonathan Quick of the LA Kings, Henrik Lundqvist of the NY Rangers, and Pekka Rinne of the Nashville Predators are three of the hotter goalies right now. Two of these teams are one win away from each moving onto the 2^nd round. The Washington Capitals are still in their series due to the play of third-string goalie Braden Holtby.

The Bad: Playoff hockey is very consistent. This duplicated line was done on purpose. Every year, there seems to be a missed call that affects the game. This year, Game 1 of the Penguins-Flyers series was won by the Flyers in overtime. The game shouldn’t have been in overtime as Danny Briere scored a goal after being a mile offside. Everyone in the arena saw it, but none of the refs or linesmen did. As hot goaltending can carry a team, bad goaltending can destroy it. Marc-Andre Fluery has been allowing too many easy rebounds. I haven’t seen someone score so easily on rebounds since Henny in 2010. Roberto Luongo of the Vancouver Canucks has lived up to his billing as one of the most erratic goalies by being benched after Game 2 of his series. The Florida Panthers and NJ Devils pulled their starting goalies early in the second period on Tuesday night.

The Winehouse: I need someone to explain to me how suspensions are handed down. After Shea Weber treated Henrik Zetterberg like a Grand Theft Auto prostitute last week and went unpunished, the head of discipline, Brendan Shanahan, has been handing out suspensions like Halloween candy. Many people associated with the league are questioning how Shanahan determines the length of these penalties. Carl Hagelin of the NY Rangers received three games after his elbow to the head of Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson. While a suspension was warranted, three games seem a tad harsh for a young player with no history of dirty hits.

The Good: Sudden death overtime. The league scraps its regular season overtime system (4 on 4 for 5 minutes, then a shootout) for sudden death. Regular twenty minute periods until someone scores. We have already seen nine games this postseason, with two reaching a double overtime period. Nothing beats the experience of watching overtime playoff hockey. Everyone focuses on defense, so the scoring chances are limited. One bad play can cost you the game. I love it, despite the fact the Rangers are now in a dogfight with Ottawa since they lost twice in OT.

The Bad: As much as Brendan Shanahan is mindfucking everyone in the league with his suspensions, no one is arguing that these guys shouldn’t miss time. Some of these plays being penalized are beyond reckless. Marian Hossa of the Chicago Blackhawks was carted off on Tuesday after Raffi Torres of the Phoenix Coyotes left his feet to deliver a bone-crushing hit. Matt Carkner of Ottawa got a game for pummeling a defenseless player. Andrew Shaw of Chicago hit a goalie near the head. Arron Asham of Pittsburgh jumped a player after his teammate was hit hard, but legally. Eight players suspended so far, and we haven’t even played a fifth game in any series.

The Winehouse: Game 3 of the Flyers-Penguins series. The game was basically a real-life version of the movie “Slap Shot”. There were 158 penalty minutes in the game featuring three game misconducts and one match penalty (automatic ejection for deliberately trying to injure). I’m not opposed to violence in hockey, (http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2012/03/you-cant-avoid-boyd-street-fighting-man.html) but that game was ridiculous. Everyone was trying to fight, including Sidney Crosby, who pulled on the back of someone’s hair in a scrum and knocked away an opponent’s glove as it was on the ice. I’m shocked someone from the Flyers didn’t punch a hole in Crosby’s face. Even the play was undisciplined as there were a total of 12 goals in the game. Game 4 continued down this path as there a total of 100 penalty minutes (64 by the Flyers) and 13 goals.

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The All-Balls Edition

The All-Balls Edition

“I like you. You have balls. I like balls.”

-Terrorist in “Team America: World Police”

Over the past week, three men in the world of sports showed off their cajones. Let’s examine these men, in order of ballsiness.

Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, finally had enough of Lamar Odom’s malaise and worked out a deal for him to stop showing up for work after he and Odom had a heated exchange on Easter. Odom, who demanded a trade from the LA Lakers after he was involved in a previously rejected trade, looked to be the missing piece of the Mavericks’ title defense before the season started. Instead, they got a shell of a player who averaged career lows in most offensive categories.

Granted, Odom had a tumultuous offseason. A close cousin passed away, he was a passenger in a SUV that hit and killed a teenage cyclist, and he is still married to Jumbo Elliot, I mean Khloe Kardashian. However, Odom is a professional and should have been able to perform better. Now, he’ll stay home and get paid a lot of money to do nothing. Cuban determined Odom was a lost cause and decided to remove him from the locker room before he could infect the rest of the players with his lack of effort. This move took some balls as Odom is better than any other guy that would replace him at this point in the season as the Mavs are fighting for their playoff lives.

Ozzie Guillen, manager of the Miami Marlins, caused quite a commotion when he said in a Time magazine interview last week that he loved Fidel Castro, the former Communist leader of Cuba, and respected him for his long tenure of power. Surprising comments, especially when you consider the Marlins play in a predominantly Cuban community. Cubans like Castro as much as Jews like Adolph Hitler or Americans love Osama Bin Laden.

While Guillen apologized for his remarks, the team suspended him for five games. Guillen has a history of controversy throughout his managing career. He refused to attend the White House in 2006, implied Asian players receive better treatment in baseball than Spanish players, defended illegal immigrants, and underwent counseling after calling sportswriter Jay Mariotti a fag (If he called Mariotti a douchebag, everyone would have nodded approvingly.) Yet, Guillen still says what’s on his mind. Pretty ballsy move considering the Marlins could have cut ties with him immediately and distanced themselves from this issue. The Marlins said they never considered firing their firecracker manager, but you have to imagine the leash just got a little shorter in South Beach.

Jeff Long, athletic director at Arkansas, decided to part ways with head coach Bobby Petrino on Tuesday after his infamous motorcycle accident. The fact that Petrino was riding with his 25 year old mistress was bad, but the fact he covered it up led to his termination. On April 1^st, Petrino crashed his motorcycle after being blinded by the sun and suffered multiple injuries. Petrino claimed he was by himself to Long and to the media during a press conference, but admitted to an affair with the young lady. Long put the coach on paid leave while they investigated the matter. Last Thursday, Petrino admitted to Long that 25 year old Jessica Dorrell was a passenger on the bike, minutes before the police report went public and would disclose that information. It was discovered that Petrino had tried to prevent Dorrell’s name from making it on the police report, Petrino had given Dorrell a job with the team recently amidst shady circumstances (her relationship with her boss, she beat out 158 other applicants, and the process was a lot quicker than usual), and Petrino had given Dorrell a $20,000 gift. Long fired Petrino with cause based on a clause in the coach’s contract that allowed the AD to do so if Petrino’s conduct put the school in a negative light.

While the firing was deserved, the fact that Long fired the coach was 100% balls. Petrino had returned the football team to prominence by going 34-17 over his four year Arkansas career (which started when he fled the Atlanta Falcons after 13 games in dubious fashion), going 21-5 the last two seasons. He had built up the program and made the school a contender. In SEC country, football reigns supreme and Arkansas was among the top teams. Frankly, I’m a little shocked that Long fired Petrino. This move will set back Arkansas, whether it’s temporary or for the long haul. Quality coaches just don’t grow on trees (otherwise, Jerry Jones would have purchased a tree farm by now.) However, Long felt he couldn’t encourage this type of behavior just because Petrino made the football team better. Huuuuuge balls.

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Most Beautiful "Woman" in the Universe

               Now wait just a minute! Are you telling me that the next Miss Universe could be a man? Listen, if were born a man you have no right to be crowned the most beautiful woman in the Universe. Just because you get an operation and take hormone pills doesn't make you a woman! I don't care where you stand on this subject, it really gets under my skin. We are talking about the Miss Universe Pageant here. They are now allowing transgender models to enter the contest. Are you kidding me? These drag queens have their own damn clubs. Don't turn Miss Universe into a freak show.

              I agree with tolerance and accepting people for who they are but we have to draw a line somewhere. Letting a man that turned himself into a woman into the Miss Universe Pageant is way over the line. This whole country is getting a little carried away. Someone that kept their balls has to step and say "NO, this is too much." Not everyone belongs everywhere. That's just how it is. Having transgender participants makes me sick. Maybe I'm the asshole here.

              What's next? How far are we going to go as a country? Will we ever say "NO" to anything? I've made comments before about how this country is turning to a bunch of pussies. This just proves my point. Some transgender group somewhere (GLAAD) probably threatened a lawsuit. And since everyone is so worried about being labeled intolerant, this crazy idea is going to be allowed to happen. I never watched the pageant anyway, but it has now been completely ruined. They have to let real women into drag queen contests now. Or does it not go both ways? Yea I get the joke. But seriously. There is such a double standard when it comes to stuff like this.

             If a woman tried to enter a drag queen contest, what would they say? "You can't enter because you're a woman." Well guess what? Transgender means you had an operation. It doesn't make you a woman. Woman have two X chromosomes. That means, someone with an X and Y chromosome shouldn't be allowed to enter a most beautiful WOMAN contest. Let them have equal rights like everyone else, I'm not against that. I am against them ruining the Miss Universe Pageant. It's your choice as a person to live your life how you please. If that means getting a sex change, so be it. I'm all for it. The pursuit of happiness. It doesn't mean you can just cry your way into anything you want. Give me a break.

             We've gotten to the point where, if you want something, all you have to do is cry about it. If you cry loud enough, you'll get it. Just like a baby. Threaten a lawsuit, get a bunch of hippies to protest with you, you'll have whatever you want in no time. No matter how stupid the idea is. It's a damn shame. My blood pressure went sky high when I read the article about this. So to bring it back to normal, I'm going to find a homeless chick with an Adam's apple and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. She/he can cry all he/she wants but I'm making her/him work for it.