You Can't Avoid Boyd - My Night in Washington DC, Sponsored by Prozac

My Night in Washington DC, Sponsored by Prozac

This past week, our friend Josh, an erratic blogger for HJFHS, came into town for “work” and to destroy everyone’s liver in a three-mile radius. I can see how he is too busy to write for this site based on a past four days that would make Tucker Max blush. He also alluded to eventually writing the post he’s been talking about for the past year. This post should be quite anti-Semitic, but it’s OK because Josh is a Jewish-American/Uncle Tobias. Also, this post should be as magical as the illustrious fourth hole only rich white guys can afford. His last day of his visit culminated with his first Wizards game against the Indiana Pacers. It also led me to bout of severe depression based on two separate incidents.

Washington DC has always been known as a basketball city. The local high schools produce many talents of the collegiate/professional level, while the city has always supported Georgetown and Bullets (their true fans fail to recognize their new moniker) hoops. When I first moved down here, that fact was evident. Wizards tickets were hard to come by as the team was always competitive, while the Capitals were struggling and the Nationals were basically non-existent. Then, a funny thing happened. The Wizards started down a very slippery slope of suck while the other DC sports teams started to become relevant. Their best player, Gilbert Arenas, is better known for being injury-prone and threatening a teammate with a gun after a gambling dispute (something he mocked during the introduction in his next game). Their roster became a mix of aging veterans, high-paid guys who never played up to their contract, or younger players looking to become established. Despite the fans’ love of their team, the losses eventually took its toll with declining attendance. Once the hottest ticket in town, tickets can now be found at the box office the day of the game or cheaper on any secondary market. Their bigger draws come when certain opponents (Knicks, Celtics, Heat, and Lakers) come into town.

Josh was interested in seeing them though on Wednesday night and Stains, Henny, and I joined him. After finding four lower level seats for well below face value, we decided to pre-game at a bar a block away from the Verizon Center. We stayed there for a beer or two after the game started. It was a little disconcerting when none of the several TVs at the bar put on the game. The bar chose to air the baseball game, Sportscenter, and Cartoon Network over the basketball game going on down the street. No one at the bar requested it either.

I knew the team was bad, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. I realize the Wizards traded some promising players to rebuild for the future and some players did not play Wednesday due to injury, but their rotation was dreadful. Their best players were one-dimensional player Jordan Crawford, overachiever Kevin Seraphin, and journeyman Brian Cook. John Wall, their top pick a year ago, jacked up a bunch of missed shots as usual and looked as if he wished he stayed in school and been drafted elsewhere. Henny and I were actually interviewed by a Wizards PR associate what we were looking forward to in the 4^th quarter. We both answered the Wizards scoring over 100 points (to get a BOGO beer special at a local bar) and a Pacer to miss two straight free throws (to get a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich). We weren’t kidding. That was the only reason to stay for the 4^th quarter. Naturally, the Wizards fucked that up by going cold down the stretch and only scored 96 points and the Pacers hit their shots at the charity stripe. Plus, I doubt our answers made the Wizards Twitter feed.

On the way home, we ran into a group of five high school girls on the metro. They were coming back from a concert at the 9:30 Club, drunk off their faces. Two of the girls had noticeable hickeys, mostly on their necks, but one girl had one on her cheek. We talked to them as we had no choice as they were screaming at us the entire ride (which lasted longer due to a malfunctioning train door). We discovered these girls were wasted from alcohol they snuck into the club (9:30 Club is open to all ages, but only sells alcohol to people of the legal age), all but one of the girls were on spring break this week, one girl got her hickeys from some dude, and the other girl got her hickeys on her neck/cheek from one of the girls in the group. At some point, the ring leader took off her shirt while talking to some female 21-year old twins. Luckily, her friends got her to stop the striptease and put her shirt back on before we were all subjected to kiddie porn. The girls seemed to take a liking to Stains, despite calling him a lesbian for wearing a salmon colored plaid shirt. Before I call out these girls, his shirt did seem to indicate he enjoyed scissoring.

Onto the rage. Based on this display, I considered weeping for the future of America. Then, I wondered who the fuckheads were in all of this: the kids, the parents, or both. The 9:30 Club is right by U Street and not in the best neighborhood. I find it hard to believe the parents knew what their daughters were doing the whole time. There is no way they endorsed the hour long metro ride into NW DC to get drunk and mack on dick. However, I’ve written about some of the quality parents out there, who let their elementary aged kids drive while Dad sleeps one off. Nothing would really surprise me at this point. I’m just glad I got off the train before these girls got behind the wheel and DUI’ed their way home. I also researched on how to make myself sterile before I produce similar offspring.

In conclusion, I just want to thank Josh for indirectly bumming me the fuck out last night. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

      -Written by Marcus Boyd

I Don't Own a Sweatshirt Without a Hood

                If I had to estimate, I would say I own around 8 hooded sweatshirts. In the past couple weeks my desire to wear those hoodies has gone down. Mostly because of the Spring weather. Partly because, unlike the rest of the world, I don't know the facts about the Trayvon Martin case. Not because I condone vigilantes running around shooting kids. It also has nothing to do with race. It's simply because I don't know the facts. And I don't jump to conclusions and make everything racial. So I'll sit back and let the system, as flawed as it may be at times, do what it does. However, it does raise some interesting questions.

             What if the kid was white? Would this have been a national news event? I'm pretty sure it would have made the news in Florida and been chalked up to another senseless death. Because this was a young black teenager, the black community jumped on it like Apache. This story became national outrage overnight. And then every prominent black person in the country came forward to demand the arrest of George Zimmerman. The hoody movement followed. All as if any of it mattered. George Zimmerman is still not under arrest. All the protests, all the online petitions, for what? It's all for show. Anybody that knows me knows that I'm not racist in the least bit. I am, however, a realist. If this was a white kid named Travis Martin, we never would have heard about it. That brings me to another point.

            Do you really think online petitions work? When this happened, I started seeing all kinds of online petitions. Mostly on Facebook. "Like this to get George Zimmerman arrested" And of course there were hundreds of "likes" on it as if the police were watching it and waiting for it to hit a certain number so they could go arrest him. That wasn't the only one. "Sign this online petition if you want George Zimmerman arrested." Oh well that changes it. You have to (digitally) sign this one. The police must be watching right? Ridiculous. They don't work. You can throw them in the same boat as chain-letters warning you to repost or you'll have bad luck. Or the other ones that tell you to repost if you believe in something and if you don't you're a bad person. It's all bullshit. Don't get me wrong, you should believe in stuff and you make it known to the world. That's what social media is for. Just don't try to make me feel guilty because I don't want a sad picture and story on my wall.

         Let me conclude by saying that everyone needs to just relax and let the system do its job. Getting all worked up and changing your wardrobe won't do anything to speed up the process. Trust me. It was impressive to see how quickly the black community rallies together. It was less impressive to see how much impact they really had. I also hate how everything is turned into a racial battle. Why couldn't it just be a young kid got shot by an older man? An equally sad and tragic story. Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. My buddy Josh is in town so I'll be venturing into DC. For shits and giggles, I'll find a bum wearing a hoody and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Shouldn't be too hard, it gets pretty chilly at night.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - A Cripple, a Fire Crotch, a Tuna and Jesus Walk Into a Bar ...

A Cripple, a Fire Crotch, a Tuna and Jesus Walk Into a Bar…

Rather than dedicate an entire month of posts on some of the hotter stories in the NFL, I am going to touch on all of them today.

For two weeks, Peyton Manning travelled throughout the U.S., looking for his newest team. With the media hounding him with reporters and helicopters, Manning was able to meet and work out with four different teams before settling with the Denver Broncos. The man is entitled to his choice, as he was looking for to play for a contender. It is shocking he didn’t choose San Francisco. They were a solid QB and few receivers away from being a legit contender. Despite Denver making the playoffs last year, they also had more holes as a team. They are hoping Peyton can fix those holes. That is a lot to ask a 36-year-old who sat out a year with major neck surgery. John Elway, Broncos VP of football operations/QB great, is making a big gamble, but one that can pay off big time if Manning can return to form.

Roger Goodell is in his sixth year as NFL commissioner. While the man has been praised by most for his service thus far, there is one issue that seems to bother a lot of people, including myself. Goodell seems to have no problem making up impromptu punishments. In 2010 while he was crusading on behalf of players’ safety (despite his insistence of an 18-game schedule), Goodell fined three players in one week for controversial hits. This was done despite these players violating no league rules and no precedent. This year, Goddell stripped the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins of some cap space due to their abuse of the 2010 salary cap. In 2010, the NFL did not have a salary cap due to the impending lockout. Teams were warned not abuse this perk, according to league sources. The Cowboys and Redskins both deny this. As much as I hate both teams, they both have a legitimate gripe as their salary cap was docked the day before free agency. It would be one thing to punish both teams early, so they can appeal and plan accordingly, not during it. Both teams are in the middle of appealing, but free agency is pretty much over, restricting both teams of signing free agents.

As crazy as the ginger commish has been with suspending and fining people, he got it right with Bountygate. If the punishment was just for the bounty system the Saints implemented for three years, Goddell was out of his mind. However, the penalties were fit as head coach Sean Payton, assistant Gregg Williams, assistant Joe Vitt, and general manger Mickey Loomis were caught covering up the scandal. After they all denied it initially, it was discovered that all were aware of it and had been caught in a lie. Now that the Saints have no one to lead their team, word on the street is Payton is going to ask his mentor, Bill Parcells, to step in for him. At first, I thought this was insane. Then I remembered Bill Parcells does not think like a rational man. This guy has come out of retirement three times already to return to coaching. Who says a fourth would be out of the question? Considering the Saints are already a contender, this could be Parcells’ final hurrah. He can get paid pretty well for a year, then ride off into the sunset or pull a power move and force Payton out of a job.

With Peyton taking over in Denver, that allowed John Elway to do something he’s wanted to do for two years: tell Tim Tebow to hit the bricks. He traded the QB to the New York Jets. It seems NYC is ready for Tebowmania, but is the Jets’ locker room? Rex Ryan stated Mark Sanchez is the starter and Tebow will be the Wildcat option, but that’s a crock of shit. New York Jets fans have probably soured on Sanchez after his third straight inconsistent season. Throw in the fact that the team fell apart down the stretch last year and their locker room resembled a Greek tragedy and this situation seems volatile. Wait until the first time Sanchez goes six and out, and Jet fans will be screaming for Tebow, despite the fact he has the same throwing motion as Corky from “Life Goes On”. I know the Jets wanted to get a backup to motivate Sanchez, but they could have found someone better than the rock star that is Tim Tebow. As a Giants fan, this inevitable shit storm is like an early Christmas present for me.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Street Fighting Man! G-Sevvvvvvvvon!

Street Fighting Man!!! G-Sevvvvvvvvvvvon!!!

On Monday night, something happened that captivated both Henny and I. At the start of the Rangers-Devils game, six guys starting fighting as soon as the puck dropped. You knew it was coming as the Devils started a line of enforcers (The Devils as the road team had to put their lineup out first) instead of their top line. The Rangers countered by having a defenseman known for fighting take the faceoff with two other tough guys as his wingers. It was riveting television as three pairs of guys tried to beat the crap out of one another. You didn’t know which fight to watch until one duo were both bleeding. After the skirmishes ended, both coaches were cursing at one another, forty penalty minutes were doled out in the first three seconds of the game, and the crowd was amped up, including myself. Unfortunately, the media did not see it that way and portrayed it as another black eye for the sport.

For the last few years, many sports personalities have stated how hockey needs to abolish fighting. They claim it is barbaric and has no place in the game. Three enforcers (Derek Boogaard, Rick Rypien, and Wade Belak) committed suicide over the summer. Many contributed their suicides due to the direct/indirect impact of fighting (the top three themes were brain injuries from fighting, substance abuse to erase the emotional and physical pain, and clinical depression.) Most critics will argue that hockey is the only sport to allow fighting without an automatic ejection. I am not one of those critics and believe fighting does serve a role in hockey.

Perhaps it’s the culture of the game, but fighting has always been a part of the NHL. Whether it’s to defend a cheap shot on a star player or to whip the crowd/team into a frenzy, people have thrown down the gloves and made it rain with punches. There has been a lot of bad blood between the Rangers and Devils throughout the years. This year has been no exception as we have seen many fights and questionable hits. They had fought each other 16 times in five games before Monday’s affair. Monday wasn’t the culmination of their hatred of one another, just another chapter in a long saga.

The NHL has addressed fighting over the years, creating rules to prevent fighting during time stoppages, prevent fighting in the end of blowouts, and prevent a third guy from entering a fight. They are looking into the long-term health issues plaguing former enforcers. Despite my joy in Monday’s fight, many NHL officials and commentators agree there is no place in the sport for the premeditated fight. They mentioned that was a little excessive. However, they have yet to stop fighting from taking place altogether.

There are quite a few people who would not have played professional hockey if fighting was not allowed. Tie Domi played 16 years in the league. His career totals include 104 goals and over 3500 penalty minutes. Teams didn’t acquire him hoping for a sudden burst of offense. They signed him so he could beat up nerds. The NHL players’ union realizes this, and will strive to keep fighting in the league. Plus, the enforcers are doing this voluntarily. No one is putting a gun to their heads and making them fight.

Lastly, the fans love it. The casual fan wants to see awesome goals, big hits, and fights. Just like the casual fan watches NASCAR for the accidents. Hockey is a blue collar sport, watched by blue collar fans. The NHL realizes how loyal their fans are. After the lockout, the fans felt disrespected and took it out on their teams. The league had to win the fans back with lowered ticket prices and rules to make the game more exciting. Why would the sport take away one of the main attraction for fans, who pay top dollar for seats and merchandise?

As much as I love Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon on “Pardon the Interruption”, they need to shut their mouths on this issue. Fighting in hockey is just as natural as curveballs in baseball or players having kids out of wedlock in basketball. It’s not the main part of the game, but it serves it purpose. No one fights against their will. They fight to stick up for their teammates, just like a pitcher will retaliate with a beanball when one of his hitters gets plunked. For my money, the best thing in sports is the rare occurrence when two goalies duke it out. I’d take a goalie fight over a hand job any day of the week, twice on Sundays.

             -Written by Marcus Boyd

Options Tonight? . . . Dwarf Tossing!

            Wow, I hope this catches on soon. "What are you talking about Pat?" you ask? Well, let me ask you something first. How would you like to go to a bar, have a few drinks, then pay a couple bucks to see how far you can throw a midget? Yes, toss a midget, as in pick him up and throw him. Or her I guess, I just assume it would be a male willing to strap on a helmet and let drunks throw him across the room. Doesn't that sound like fun? Who would try to stifle such a great idea?

            Midgets. Or dwarfs I suppose since the name of this sport is called dwarf tossing. Anyway, there is a little couple that stars on a TLC reality show called, you guessed it, "the little couple." They appeared on Anderson Cooper's show talking about how unsafe it is and how demeaning it is to little people. Blah blah blah. Listen, the little person that AGREES to do this knows what he's getting himself into. He puts on a helmet and some padding. And how far do you think these drunks are really tossing him? Couple feet maybe. Not far enough to get hurt. Where does this couple get off saying how wrong it is? That's bullshit!

           You know what's wrong? How hypocritical these little bastards are. Here are a couple midgets who found a way to make some extra cash by exploiting the fact that they are small enough to get picked up and thrown. And they cry about how wrong it is. Well how the fuck did they end up with a reality show? Because they are interesting entrepreneurs? Because they have great personalities? NO, it's because they are fucking midgets. I saw their interview, they're boring little pricks. They are a couple, they are midgets, and they pitched this bullshit reality show to make money. So where do they get off crying foul about some of their own kind trying to exploit themselves for money. It's exactly what they're doing. I'm sick of these people that think they are better than everyone else. They are all low and mighty in their miniature ivory tower. Fuck that. You're just like every other person that uses their abnormalities to make money. Just because you get to sit on TV doesn't make you any better. Get over yourself. It shouldn't be too hard, you're a fucking midget.

           Anyway, the State Representative in Florida is trying to repeal the law that made this illegal. Stating it's a way to boost the economy. Every little bit counts. (pun intended) I applaud this man for standing up for what he believes in and not being afraid to make the unpopular decision. Hey, if a little guy wants to make some money at a bar by getting thrown around, who are we to stop him? Shit, we should be lining up to hurl this guy for distance. So listen here midgets. Don't think you are better than anyone else because you pick a more dignified way to make money on your shortcomings. BOOM roasted!

           If you didn't see this coming, you don't read my blog enough. I'm on my way to the city to get a little Hand-job for half a Ham Sandwich from midget that knows her place.
          

You Can't Avoid Boyd - March Motherfuckin' Madness

March Motherfuckin’ Madness

After the end of the Super Bowl, a typical non-biased sports fan goes through the same cycle of indigestion, drunkenness, and sadness. The indigestion and drunkenness are a result in overindulgence of bar foods and alcohol. The sadness comes from the lull in the upcoming sports viewing cycle. Sure, there are NBA games, but no one gives a shit about basketball until the playoffs or random Asians dominating from nowhere. Only six people care about the NHL, which is double the viewers of NASCAR. Golf has been boring since Tiger Woods stopped putting his dick into anything with a heartbeat. That’s why we should be glad that March Madness comes around and saves the day.

Most people associate March Madness with the NCAA tournament. It actually starts with the end of the regular season and conference tournaments, which determines top seeds and entry into the tournament. Sure, no one got excited when Louisville and Cincinnati set back offense several decades in their Big East final matchup on Saturday, but when St. Bonaventure won their conference on Sunday and stole an at-large bid away from a bubble team, that affected so many fan bases. Completing the pre-game of the tourney was the Sunday selection show, where the committee picks the 68 teams that are going dancing. All 31 conference champions make it, while the rest of the field is made up of at-large teams. Some teams were locks for the tourney (Kansas, for example) while some teams squeaked in (Iona). The bubble burst for several schools, who watched with the show with the rest of America (Drexel, Seton Hall).

The field use to be 64 teams, but in 2001, the NCAA made it 65. The worst two conference winners played on Tuesday for the right to get dumped on by the top seed in the country. No one liked this concept. The NCAA corrected this abortion in 2011 by adding three more teams, and having the four worst conference champs and the four worst at-large teams play to get the field to 64 by Thursday. This can be important as VCU; a team many didn’t feel deserved to be in the tournament in the first place, won their 2011 play-in game and advanced all the way to the Final Four.

Once the field is set, that’s when all of America gets the fever. Whether it’s sports-obsessed fan or the person who hates sports, March Madness takes over everyone. People mysteriously are too sick to work on Thursday and Friday, yet recover in time to head to the bar and watch the tourney for ten hours. Production for the people who actually go to work goes down as people try to stream games online or refresh ESPN constantly. People claim to be experts in college basketball, yet rip up their brackets after they lose a Final Four team before the weekend is out. People who have no idea about sports do surprisingly well in their pools. In college, my tournament pool was once won by a girl who picked teams because their names sounded funny or knew people who attended that school.

What people love about the tournaments are the upsets. We live in a society where we cheer for the underdog. We loved it when Roy Hobbs smashed a home run into the lights. We loved it when Rudy made it onto the field and sacked the quarterback. You don’t see upsets too much in real sports, except for the tournament. Anything can happen when it comes down to one game. The top teams should prevail, but every year in the opening weekend, we see a double digit seed advance to the Sweet 16 every year. Who can forget such Cinderella teams like George Mason or Butler advance all the way to the Final Four? We loved seeing a Northern Iowa take out the tourney favorite Kansas in the 2010 2nd round, unless you picked Kansas in your bracket.

Can this be the year of the upset? There have been three instances in the last 25 years where no #1 seeds advanced to the Final Four, including last year. Or perhaps this is the year of the chalk (where the favorites prevail). In 2008, the Final Four was all #1 seeds. Who knows what 2012 will bring. We do know a few things though. We know that people everywhere will be watching, ready to cheer on their favorite teams and/or their brackets picks. We know the streets will be filled with ripped brackets. We know bar owners and bookies will be loving life and their increased business. We know managers and teachers will be dealing with a group of less-interested people. We know people will complain that Gus Johnson isn’t calling games. We know people will wonder where the hell the TruTV channel is on their cable box. And we know everyone will be a sports fan for just a brief time. Thank you, March Motherfuckin’ Madness.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

Hey Kids . . . NO Soup For You!

            All of my dreams have finally come true. The hard work, the preparation, the long hours and sleepless nights. I can now have what I've always wanted. Dinner and a movie and maybe even a plane ride, WITHOUT kids! What? Yes, a kid free movie followed by a relaxing dinner void of screaming brats and the parents that can't control them. Finally.

           Okay, so maybe I didn't have anything to do with it but sit there and try to tell me it's not awesome. There are actually places out there that have banned kids from their establishments. This makes enjoying your night so much easier. You know what I'm talking about.

           You have a romantic night planned with the lady friend. It starts with a nice dinner, maybe a Groupon meal for two. The hostess seats you in a booth and reads over the specials before asking what you'd like to drink. You order a beer in the biggest glass they offer and the lady gets a martini to set the mood. The two of you decide to split the spinach dip for an appetizer as you gaze over the steak selection. The porterhouse seems like the best choice for tonight. I wonder what the lady will get? The top sirloin, cooked medium, good choice. I knew there was a reason we were out together. Then it happens.

           WAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAA! "Calm down hunny, you can't get the ice cream yet." "But mommy, I'm a brat that can't behave myself in public! I want everything NOW!!"

           Are you kidding me? Did they really have to bring their kids to the restaurant? We were having such a great evening until that little bastard started crying. Now we have to listen to this kid's mouth while his parents, who apparently read a "this is NOT how to parent" book, struggle to gain control. What a great way to enjoy my porterhouse. If only a restaurant would open up where you wouldn't have to worry about that. Oh thank heaven for . . . well it's not called 7-11 but you get the point.

           I don't have anything against kids in general. I just don't appreciate when I'm trying to enjoy my night and their screaming heads ruin it. There are some movie theaters that have caught on to the trend and offer kid-free movies. Won't it be great not to have to worry about missing a good part because some couple thought it was a good idea to bring their kids, who obviously can't behave, to a dark room where silence is golden? I hope the movement really picks up. Kid-free zones everywhere would make me a happy consumer.

          Up until now the only place I knew there wouldn't be kids to ruin my night was by the dumpsters behind the Git & Go where I get Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches every other week. Here's to hoping my options open up.