My Night in Washington DC, Sponsored by Prozac
This past week, our friend Josh, an erratic blogger for
HJFHS, came into town for “work” and to destroy everyone’s liver in a
three-mile radius. I can see how he is too busy to write for this site based on
a past four days that would make Tucker Max blush. He also alluded to
eventually writing the post he’s been talking about for the past year. This
post should be quite anti-Semitic, but it’s OK because Josh is a
Jewish-American/Uncle Tobias. Also, this post should be as magical as the
illustrious fourth hole only rich white guys can afford. His last day of his
visit culminated with his first Wizards game against the Indiana Pacers. It
also led me to bout of severe depression based on two separate incidents.
Washington DC has always been known as a basketball city.
The local high schools produce many talents of the collegiate/professional
level, while the city has always supported Georgetown and Bullets (their true
fans fail to recognize their new moniker) hoops. When I first moved down here,
that fact was evident. Wizards tickets were hard to come by as the team was
always competitive, while the Capitals were struggling and the Nationals were
basically non-existent. Then, a funny thing happened. The Wizards started down
a very slippery slope of suck while the other DC sports teams started to become
relevant. Their best player, Gilbert Arenas, is better known for being
injury-prone and threatening a teammate with a gun after a gambling dispute
(something he mocked during the introduction in his next game). Their roster
became a mix of aging veterans, high-paid guys who never played up to their
contract, or younger players looking to become established. Despite the fans’
love of their team, the losses eventually took its toll with declining
attendance. Once the hottest ticket in town, tickets can now be found at the
box office the day of the game or cheaper on any secondary market. Their bigger
draws come when certain opponents (Knicks, Celtics, Heat, and Lakers) come into
town.
Josh was interested in seeing them though on Wednesday night
and Stains, Henny, and I joined him. After finding four lower level seats for
well below face value, we decided to pre-game at a bar a block away from the
Verizon Center. We stayed there for a beer or two after the game started. It
was a little disconcerting when none of the several TVs at the bar put on the
game. The bar chose to air the baseball game, Sportscenter, and Cartoon Network
over the basketball game going on down the street. No one at the bar requested
it either.
I knew the team was bad, but I didn’t realize it was this
bad. I realize the Wizards traded some promising players to rebuild for the
future and some players did not play Wednesday due to injury, but their
rotation was dreadful. Their best players were one-dimensional player Jordan
Crawford, overachiever Kevin Seraphin, and journeyman Brian Cook. John Wall,
their top pick a year ago, jacked up a bunch of missed shots as usual and
looked as if he wished he stayed in school and been drafted elsewhere. Henny
and I were actually interviewed by a Wizards PR associate what we were looking
forward to in the 4th quarter. We both answered the Wizards scoring
over 100 points (to get a BOGO beer special at a local bar) and a Pacer to miss
two straight free throws (to get a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich). We weren’t
kidding. That was the only reason to stay for the 4th quarter.
Naturally, the Wizards fucked that up by going cold down the stretch and only
scored 96 points and the Pacers hit their shots at the charity stripe. Plus, I
doubt our answers made the Wizards Twitter feed.
On the way home, we ran into a group of five high school
girls on the metro. They were coming back from a concert at the 9:30 Club,
drunk off their faces. Two of the girls had noticeable hickeys, mostly on their
necks, but one girl had one on her cheek. We talked to them as we had no choice
as they were screaming at us the entire ride (which lasted longer due to a
malfunctioning train door). We discovered these girls were wasted from alcohol
they snuck into the club (9:30 Club is open to all ages, but only sells alcohol
to people of the legal age), all but one of the girls were on spring break this
week, one girl got her hickeys from some dude, and the other girl got her
hickeys on her neck/cheek from one of the girls in the group. At some point,
the ring leader took off her shirt while talking to some female 21-year old
twins. Luckily, her friends got her to stop the striptease and put her shirt
back on before we were all subjected to kiddie porn. The girls seemed to take a
liking to Stains, despite calling him a lesbian for wearing a salmon colored
plaid shirt. Before I call out these girls, his shirt did seem to indicate he
enjoyed scissoring.
Onto the rage. Based on this display, I considered weeping
for the future of America. Then, I wondered who the fuckheads were in all of
this: the kids, the parents, or both. The 9:30 Club is right by U Street and
not in the best neighborhood. I find it hard to believe the parents knew what their
daughters were doing the whole time. There is no way they endorsed the hour
long metro ride into NW DC to get drunk and mack on dick. However, I’ve written
about some of the quality parents out there, who let their elementary aged kids
drive while Dad sleeps one off. Nothing would really surprise me at this point.
I’m just glad I got off the train before these girls got behind the wheel and
DUI’ed their way home. I also researched on how to make myself sterile before I
produce similar offspring.
In conclusion, I just want to thank Josh for indirectly
bumming me the fuck out last night. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
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