You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Greek Tragedy Known as Metta World Peace

The Greek Tragedy Known as Metta World Peace

On Sunday, Metta World Peace (the man formerly known as Ron Artest and the man responsible for this rant http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-should-i-change-my-name-to.html) celebrated his dunk by treating James Harden’s head like a body bag, knocking him down with a vicious elbow. Artest was immediately kicked out of the game as Harden was diagnosed with a concussion. On Monday, he took to Twitter to issue Harden a half-assed apology, mentioning he never saw Harden when he swung his elbow maliciously. I guess that’s how he celebrates. Normally, I high-five my teammate when I score a basket. World Peace goes for a Mortal Kombat fatality. By Tuesday, he was suspended for seven games. Most of the basketball world was outraged Artest only got seven games. They shouldn’t be outraged. There is nothing in this world that should surprise you regarding Ron Artest. He is officially batshit crazy.

Let’s set the record straight. In terms of craziest motherfuckers in the sports world, Mike Tyson is the king. No one can take his crown. His antics are for a different blog post for a different day. Artest/World Peace would be the prince in this messed-up monarchy. Artest grew up in the Queensbridge projects in NYC. His neighborhood was so tough, he once saw a guy get impaled by a broken chair leg during a pickup basketball game. He went to school at St. John’s University, being an integral part of the 1999 team that reached the Elite Eight.

If there was one moment that may have put Artest on the path of crazy, it was the 1999 NBA draft. Artest declared for the draft as a sophomore and was projected to be a first round pick. He was available when the New York Knicks’ turn at 15 came up. Everyone assumed it was a match made in heaven, the local kid playing for his hometown team. However, the Knicks did not feel the same as everyone else, selecting French center Frederic Weis instead. Knicks fans hated the pick immediately, booing as soon as the pick was announced. The Chicago Bulls took Artest with the next pick. Artest had tears in his eyes when giving an interview at the draft. You can tell how devastated he was to be spurned by the Knicks. I remember flipping out that the Knicks picked Frenchy over Artest (Weis never played in the NBA and is known for being dunked over by Vince Carter in the 2000 Summer Olympics.) Maybe the snub is what made Artest bipolar. In a somewhat telling sign, a 2001 book about the Knicks revealed they weren’t high on Artest because they were not sure he can handle himself well, especially playing in his hometown.

Early in his career, Artest was productive, but always did quirky things. During his rookie year, Artest applied for a part-time job at Circuit City, so he can get the employee discount. He admitted to drinking Hennessy during halftime. He once showed up to practice in a robe. In the beginning of the 2004 season, he was suspended for two games when he asked for a month off to recover from the exhaustion of promoting his upcoming rap album. Throughout his early career, he received multiple fines and suspensions for various fouls or outbursts. He was kind of a loose cannon, but officially went off the deep end on November 19^th, 2004.

The Malice in the Palace. If you are unfamiliar, here is the long story short: the Pacers-Pistons game got very chippy near the end of a Pacers blowout. Artest fouled Pistons Ben Wallace hard, so Wallace shoved Artest and started a little altercation. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, Artest lays down on the scorer’s table. A fan from the crowd threw a cup of soda and hit Artest. Artest runs in the stands to beat down a fan (it should be pointed out he attacked the wrong fan) and start World War III. Multiple Pacers are involved in fighting some of the fans and people in the arena are legitimately scared for their lives. Artest was suspended the rest of the season (86 games overall). It was probably the most surreal moment I have ever witnessed on live television (I was in class during 9/11).

You would think this would change Artest. You would think wrong. Granted, Artest stopped attacking the fans, but his random craziness never stopped. His mouth remained unfiltered and he kept getting suspended for various reasons (flagrant fouls, domestic abuse charges, etc.) His three-year tenure with the Lakers can be summed up in five events:

1. Decided to wear 37 in LA to honor Michael Jackson’s 37 consecutive weeks with the #1 album, Thriller.

2. Sealed the 2010 NBA Finals by nailing a three pointer in the clinching game.

3. He auctioned off his championship ring for charity.

4. Changed his name.

5. The elbow to Harden

No one will dispute World Peace’s on-the-court talents. He has been a solid player throughout his career. However, being solid doesn’t lead off Sportscenter. Elbowing dudes and punching fans does. Is he some sort of PR genius? Probably not. I shouldn’t necessarily call him crazy since he’s made millions in the NBA. Eccentric would be the better word. If Metta World Peace decided to quit basketball and join the Girl Scouts, I wouldn’t be surprised. This man’s sanity knows no bounds. Since I will never get 100 feet from this man, I will continue to be amazed by this man from a distance. I will wait as he tries to usurp the throne from Mike Tyson and be crowned the new king. King Crazy Motherfucker. He might as well pull off another name change to add to his distinguished resume.

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Might Be Pregnant Already!

                  "This is getting a little ridiculous." That's the first thing that came to mind when I read about the new Abortion Law passed in Arizona. The new law states that pregnancy can begin two weeks before conception. The new law states that pregnancy can begin two weeks before conception. It's not a mistake, I wrote it twice. I wanted to make sure you read it carefully.

                   Arizona law makers are taking a strong stand against abortion with this one. This is how the two week thing will affect expecting abortionees. Arizona bans all abortions after 20 weeks. Normally it's 20 weeks after conception. That date will now be calculated from the last day of the woman's period instead. What does that really mean? Let's say you found out you were pregnant in March. They can calculate the date of conception. So we'll put that date at March 10th. For whatever reason, you want an abortion. I'll get into the right and wrong of it later. Before this law passed, you had until July 28th to raise the money and get it done. With this law, which doesn't make sense by the way, you will be forced to have the procedure done by the 14th of July. Or possibly sooner, depending on the date of your last menstrual cycle.

                 Now that we have a grasp on the specifics of the law, let's talk about it on street level. First, I'd like to say that I'm Pro-Choice. There is nothing political about it for me. I feel it's up to the woman to decide. The Government shouldn't have anything to say about it. That's just how I feel. If I'm ever put in the situation where an abortion is one of the options I'm facing. I'll leave the decision up to the hooker I banged, I mean lovely significant other I was having unprotected post-marital sex with. Anyway, I'm trying to say that this is a very serious situation. There are a lot of factors in the decision making process for a young woman when it comes to abortions. I don't think they should be pressured by anyone. They need to sit there with a counselor or very close friend and figure it out. I don't agree with abortion when it's used as a contraceptive. If you are willingly sleeping around unprotected, STOP! There are, however, some serious cases where it might be warranted. In summation, it's up to the woman to decide what happens to her body. If she can have the procedure and sleep at night then it doesn't seem to be affecting my life at all. Abortion isn't even the main focus here.

                 I'd like to talk about what makes this law so stupid in the first place. "Pregnancy can begin two weeks before conception." Really? Just reading that makes me think the law makers in Arizona are retarded. They could all go to Texas and be executed with laws like that. If you are not currently menstruating, you're pregnant. That's what they are saying. I'm not even sure what else I can say about it. It sucks because I agree with Arizona's Immigration laws. Now I have to question that. And while I reevaluate my stance on immigration; I'll head over to the La Quinta Inn and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of the, most likely illegal, cleaning ladies. I'll consider it a bonus if she's pregnant.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - NHL Playoffs: The Good, The Bad and The Winehouse

The NHL Playoffs: The Good, The Bad, and The Winehouse

The NHL playoffs are a week long, and we have seen quite the show thus far. Let’s look into what’s good, what’s bad, and what has the attractiveness of a dead, ugly singer.

The Good: Playoff hockey is very consistent. Players do what it takes to win the game. Scorers aren’t afraid to block a shot or deliver a big hit. Fourth line players score big goals. The NHL is the only sport where having the home advantage means nothing. Heading into tonight’s games, the home team has only won 32% of their games. We also know teams can go as far as their hot goalie let them. Jonathan Quick of the LA Kings, Henrik Lundqvist of the NY Rangers, and Pekka Rinne of the Nashville Predators are three of the hotter goalies right now. Two of these teams are one win away from each moving onto the 2^nd round. The Washington Capitals are still in their series due to the play of third-string goalie Braden Holtby.

The Bad: Playoff hockey is very consistent. This duplicated line was done on purpose. Every year, there seems to be a missed call that affects the game. This year, Game 1 of the Penguins-Flyers series was won by the Flyers in overtime. The game shouldn’t have been in overtime as Danny Briere scored a goal after being a mile offside. Everyone in the arena saw it, but none of the refs or linesmen did. As hot goaltending can carry a team, bad goaltending can destroy it. Marc-Andre Fluery has been allowing too many easy rebounds. I haven’t seen someone score so easily on rebounds since Henny in 2010. Roberto Luongo of the Vancouver Canucks has lived up to his billing as one of the most erratic goalies by being benched after Game 2 of his series. The Florida Panthers and NJ Devils pulled their starting goalies early in the second period on Tuesday night.

The Winehouse: I need someone to explain to me how suspensions are handed down. After Shea Weber treated Henrik Zetterberg like a Grand Theft Auto prostitute last week and went unpunished, the head of discipline, Brendan Shanahan, has been handing out suspensions like Halloween candy. Many people associated with the league are questioning how Shanahan determines the length of these penalties. Carl Hagelin of the NY Rangers received three games after his elbow to the head of Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson. While a suspension was warranted, three games seem a tad harsh for a young player with no history of dirty hits.

The Good: Sudden death overtime. The league scraps its regular season overtime system (4 on 4 for 5 minutes, then a shootout) for sudden death. Regular twenty minute periods until someone scores. We have already seen nine games this postseason, with two reaching a double overtime period. Nothing beats the experience of watching overtime playoff hockey. Everyone focuses on defense, so the scoring chances are limited. One bad play can cost you the game. I love it, despite the fact the Rangers are now in a dogfight with Ottawa since they lost twice in OT.

The Bad: As much as Brendan Shanahan is mindfucking everyone in the league with his suspensions, no one is arguing that these guys shouldn’t miss time. Some of these plays being penalized are beyond reckless. Marian Hossa of the Chicago Blackhawks was carted off on Tuesday after Raffi Torres of the Phoenix Coyotes left his feet to deliver a bone-crushing hit. Matt Carkner of Ottawa got a game for pummeling a defenseless player. Andrew Shaw of Chicago hit a goalie near the head. Arron Asham of Pittsburgh jumped a player after his teammate was hit hard, but legally. Eight players suspended so far, and we haven’t even played a fifth game in any series.

The Winehouse: Game 3 of the Flyers-Penguins series. The game was basically a real-life version of the movie “Slap Shot”. There were 158 penalty minutes in the game featuring three game misconducts and one match penalty (automatic ejection for deliberately trying to injure). I’m not opposed to violence in hockey, (http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2012/03/you-cant-avoid-boyd-street-fighting-man.html) but that game was ridiculous. Everyone was trying to fight, including Sidney Crosby, who pulled on the back of someone’s hair in a scrum and knocked away an opponent’s glove as it was on the ice. I’m shocked someone from the Flyers didn’t punch a hole in Crosby’s face. Even the play was undisciplined as there were a total of 12 goals in the game. Game 4 continued down this path as there a total of 100 penalty minutes (64 by the Flyers) and 13 goals.

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The All-Balls Edition

The All-Balls Edition

“I like you. You have balls. I like balls.”

-Terrorist in “Team America: World Police”

Over the past week, three men in the world of sports showed off their cajones. Let’s examine these men, in order of ballsiness.

Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, finally had enough of Lamar Odom’s malaise and worked out a deal for him to stop showing up for work after he and Odom had a heated exchange on Easter. Odom, who demanded a trade from the LA Lakers after he was involved in a previously rejected trade, looked to be the missing piece of the Mavericks’ title defense before the season started. Instead, they got a shell of a player who averaged career lows in most offensive categories.

Granted, Odom had a tumultuous offseason. A close cousin passed away, he was a passenger in a SUV that hit and killed a teenage cyclist, and he is still married to Jumbo Elliot, I mean Khloe Kardashian. However, Odom is a professional and should have been able to perform better. Now, he’ll stay home and get paid a lot of money to do nothing. Cuban determined Odom was a lost cause and decided to remove him from the locker room before he could infect the rest of the players with his lack of effort. This move took some balls as Odom is better than any other guy that would replace him at this point in the season as the Mavs are fighting for their playoff lives.

Ozzie Guillen, manager of the Miami Marlins, caused quite a commotion when he said in a Time magazine interview last week that he loved Fidel Castro, the former Communist leader of Cuba, and respected him for his long tenure of power. Surprising comments, especially when you consider the Marlins play in a predominantly Cuban community. Cubans like Castro as much as Jews like Adolph Hitler or Americans love Osama Bin Laden.

While Guillen apologized for his remarks, the team suspended him for five games. Guillen has a history of controversy throughout his managing career. He refused to attend the White House in 2006, implied Asian players receive better treatment in baseball than Spanish players, defended illegal immigrants, and underwent counseling after calling sportswriter Jay Mariotti a fag (If he called Mariotti a douchebag, everyone would have nodded approvingly.) Yet, Guillen still says what’s on his mind. Pretty ballsy move considering the Marlins could have cut ties with him immediately and distanced themselves from this issue. The Marlins said they never considered firing their firecracker manager, but you have to imagine the leash just got a little shorter in South Beach.

Jeff Long, athletic director at Arkansas, decided to part ways with head coach Bobby Petrino on Tuesday after his infamous motorcycle accident. The fact that Petrino was riding with his 25 year old mistress was bad, but the fact he covered it up led to his termination. On April 1^st, Petrino crashed his motorcycle after being blinded by the sun and suffered multiple injuries. Petrino claimed he was by himself to Long and to the media during a press conference, but admitted to an affair with the young lady. Long put the coach on paid leave while they investigated the matter. Last Thursday, Petrino admitted to Long that 25 year old Jessica Dorrell was a passenger on the bike, minutes before the police report went public and would disclose that information. It was discovered that Petrino had tried to prevent Dorrell’s name from making it on the police report, Petrino had given Dorrell a job with the team recently amidst shady circumstances (her relationship with her boss, she beat out 158 other applicants, and the process was a lot quicker than usual), and Petrino had given Dorrell a $20,000 gift. Long fired Petrino with cause based on a clause in the coach’s contract that allowed the AD to do so if Petrino’s conduct put the school in a negative light.

While the firing was deserved, the fact that Long fired the coach was 100% balls. Petrino had returned the football team to prominence by going 34-17 over his four year Arkansas career (which started when he fled the Atlanta Falcons after 13 games in dubious fashion), going 21-5 the last two seasons. He had built up the program and made the school a contender. In SEC country, football reigns supreme and Arkansas was among the top teams. Frankly, I’m a little shocked that Long fired Petrino. This move will set back Arkansas, whether it’s temporary or for the long haul. Quality coaches just don’t grow on trees (otherwise, Jerry Jones would have purchased a tree farm by now.) However, Long felt he couldn’t encourage this type of behavior just because Petrino made the football team better. Huuuuuge balls.

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Most Beautiful "Woman" in the Universe

               Now wait just a minute! Are you telling me that the next Miss Universe could be a man? Listen, if were born a man you have no right to be crowned the most beautiful woman in the Universe. Just because you get an operation and take hormone pills doesn't make you a woman! I don't care where you stand on this subject, it really gets under my skin. We are talking about the Miss Universe Pageant here. They are now allowing transgender models to enter the contest. Are you kidding me? These drag queens have their own damn clubs. Don't turn Miss Universe into a freak show.

              I agree with tolerance and accepting people for who they are but we have to draw a line somewhere. Letting a man that turned himself into a woman into the Miss Universe Pageant is way over the line. This whole country is getting a little carried away. Someone that kept their balls has to step and say "NO, this is too much." Not everyone belongs everywhere. That's just how it is. Having transgender participants makes me sick. Maybe I'm the asshole here.

              What's next? How far are we going to go as a country? Will we ever say "NO" to anything? I've made comments before about how this country is turning to a bunch of pussies. This just proves my point. Some transgender group somewhere (GLAAD) probably threatened a lawsuit. And since everyone is so worried about being labeled intolerant, this crazy idea is going to be allowed to happen. I never watched the pageant anyway, but it has now been completely ruined. They have to let real women into drag queen contests now. Or does it not go both ways? Yea I get the joke. But seriously. There is such a double standard when it comes to stuff like this.

             If a woman tried to enter a drag queen contest, what would they say? "You can't enter because you're a woman." Well guess what? Transgender means you had an operation. It doesn't make you a woman. Woman have two X chromosomes. That means, someone with an X and Y chromosome shouldn't be allowed to enter a most beautiful WOMAN contest. Let them have equal rights like everyone else, I'm not against that. I am against them ruining the Miss Universe Pageant. It's your choice as a person to live your life how you please. If that means getting a sex change, so be it. I'm all for it. The pursuit of happiness. It doesn't mean you can just cry your way into anything you want. Give me a break.

             We've gotten to the point where, if you want something, all you have to do is cry about it. If you cry loud enough, you'll get it. Just like a baby. Threaten a lawsuit, get a bunch of hippies to protest with you, you'll have whatever you want in no time. No matter how stupid the idea is. It's a damn shame. My blood pressure went sky high when I read the article about this. So to bring it back to normal, I'm going to find a homeless chick with an Adam's apple and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. She/he can cry all he/she wants but I'm making her/him work for it.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - My Night in Washington DC, Sponsored by Prozac

My Night in Washington DC, Sponsored by Prozac

This past week, our friend Josh, an erratic blogger for HJFHS, came into town for “work” and to destroy everyone’s liver in a three-mile radius. I can see how he is too busy to write for this site based on a past four days that would make Tucker Max blush. He also alluded to eventually writing the post he’s been talking about for the past year. This post should be quite anti-Semitic, but it’s OK because Josh is a Jewish-American/Uncle Tobias. Also, this post should be as magical as the illustrious fourth hole only rich white guys can afford. His last day of his visit culminated with his first Wizards game against the Indiana Pacers. It also led me to bout of severe depression based on two separate incidents.

Washington DC has always been known as a basketball city. The local high schools produce many talents of the collegiate/professional level, while the city has always supported Georgetown and Bullets (their true fans fail to recognize their new moniker) hoops. When I first moved down here, that fact was evident. Wizards tickets were hard to come by as the team was always competitive, while the Capitals were struggling and the Nationals were basically non-existent. Then, a funny thing happened. The Wizards started down a very slippery slope of suck while the other DC sports teams started to become relevant. Their best player, Gilbert Arenas, is better known for being injury-prone and threatening a teammate with a gun after a gambling dispute (something he mocked during the introduction in his next game). Their roster became a mix of aging veterans, high-paid guys who never played up to their contract, or younger players looking to become established. Despite the fans’ love of their team, the losses eventually took its toll with declining attendance. Once the hottest ticket in town, tickets can now be found at the box office the day of the game or cheaper on any secondary market. Their bigger draws come when certain opponents (Knicks, Celtics, Heat, and Lakers) come into town.

Josh was interested in seeing them though on Wednesday night and Stains, Henny, and I joined him. After finding four lower level seats for well below face value, we decided to pre-game at a bar a block away from the Verizon Center. We stayed there for a beer or two after the game started. It was a little disconcerting when none of the several TVs at the bar put on the game. The bar chose to air the baseball game, Sportscenter, and Cartoon Network over the basketball game going on down the street. No one at the bar requested it either.

I knew the team was bad, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. I realize the Wizards traded some promising players to rebuild for the future and some players did not play Wednesday due to injury, but their rotation was dreadful. Their best players were one-dimensional player Jordan Crawford, overachiever Kevin Seraphin, and journeyman Brian Cook. John Wall, their top pick a year ago, jacked up a bunch of missed shots as usual and looked as if he wished he stayed in school and been drafted elsewhere. Henny and I were actually interviewed by a Wizards PR associate what we were looking forward to in the 4^th quarter. We both answered the Wizards scoring over 100 points (to get a BOGO beer special at a local bar) and a Pacer to miss two straight free throws (to get a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich). We weren’t kidding. That was the only reason to stay for the 4^th quarter. Naturally, the Wizards fucked that up by going cold down the stretch and only scored 96 points and the Pacers hit their shots at the charity stripe. Plus, I doubt our answers made the Wizards Twitter feed.

On the way home, we ran into a group of five high school girls on the metro. They were coming back from a concert at the 9:30 Club, drunk off their faces. Two of the girls had noticeable hickeys, mostly on their necks, but one girl had one on her cheek. We talked to them as we had no choice as they were screaming at us the entire ride (which lasted longer due to a malfunctioning train door). We discovered these girls were wasted from alcohol they snuck into the club (9:30 Club is open to all ages, but only sells alcohol to people of the legal age), all but one of the girls were on spring break this week, one girl got her hickeys from some dude, and the other girl got her hickeys on her neck/cheek from one of the girls in the group. At some point, the ring leader took off her shirt while talking to some female 21-year old twins. Luckily, her friends got her to stop the striptease and put her shirt back on before we were all subjected to kiddie porn. The girls seemed to take a liking to Stains, despite calling him a lesbian for wearing a salmon colored plaid shirt. Before I call out these girls, his shirt did seem to indicate he enjoyed scissoring.

Onto the rage. Based on this display, I considered weeping for the future of America. Then, I wondered who the fuckheads were in all of this: the kids, the parents, or both. The 9:30 Club is right by U Street and not in the best neighborhood. I find it hard to believe the parents knew what their daughters were doing the whole time. There is no way they endorsed the hour long metro ride into NW DC to get drunk and mack on dick. However, I’ve written about some of the quality parents out there, who let their elementary aged kids drive while Dad sleeps one off. Nothing would really surprise me at this point. I’m just glad I got off the train before these girls got behind the wheel and DUI’ed their way home. I also researched on how to make myself sterile before I produce similar offspring.

In conclusion, I just want to thank Josh for indirectly bumming me the fuck out last night. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

      -Written by Marcus Boyd

I Don't Own a Sweatshirt Without a Hood

                If I had to estimate, I would say I own around 8 hooded sweatshirts. In the past couple weeks my desire to wear those hoodies has gone down. Mostly because of the Spring weather. Partly because, unlike the rest of the world, I don't know the facts about the Trayvon Martin case. Not because I condone vigilantes running around shooting kids. It also has nothing to do with race. It's simply because I don't know the facts. And I don't jump to conclusions and make everything racial. So I'll sit back and let the system, as flawed as it may be at times, do what it does. However, it does raise some interesting questions.

             What if the kid was white? Would this have been a national news event? I'm pretty sure it would have made the news in Florida and been chalked up to another senseless death. Because this was a young black teenager, the black community jumped on it like Apache. This story became national outrage overnight. And then every prominent black person in the country came forward to demand the arrest of George Zimmerman. The hoody movement followed. All as if any of it mattered. George Zimmerman is still not under arrest. All the protests, all the online petitions, for what? It's all for show. Anybody that knows me knows that I'm not racist in the least bit. I am, however, a realist. If this was a white kid named Travis Martin, we never would have heard about it. That brings me to another point.

            Do you really think online petitions work? When this happened, I started seeing all kinds of online petitions. Mostly on Facebook. "Like this to get George Zimmerman arrested" And of course there were hundreds of "likes" on it as if the police were watching it and waiting for it to hit a certain number so they could go arrest him. That wasn't the only one. "Sign this online petition if you want George Zimmerman arrested." Oh well that changes it. You have to (digitally) sign this one. The police must be watching right? Ridiculous. They don't work. You can throw them in the same boat as chain-letters warning you to repost or you'll have bad luck. Or the other ones that tell you to repost if you believe in something and if you don't you're a bad person. It's all bullshit. Don't get me wrong, you should believe in stuff and you make it known to the world. That's what social media is for. Just don't try to make me feel guilty because I don't want a sad picture and story on my wall.

         Let me conclude by saying that everyone needs to just relax and let the system do its job. Getting all worked up and changing your wardrobe won't do anything to speed up the process. Trust me. It was impressive to see how quickly the black community rallies together. It was less impressive to see how much impact they really had. I also hate how everything is turned into a racial battle. Why couldn't it just be a young kid got shot by an older man? An equally sad and tragic story. Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. My buddy Josh is in town so I'll be venturing into DC. For shits and giggles, I'll find a bum wearing a hoody and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Shouldn't be too hard, it gets pretty chilly at night.