You Can't Avoid Boyd - My Team Won the Super Bowl

My Team Won the Super Bowl

On Sundays, my friends and I play in a weekly flag football game. As the Arlington team was winning 6-5, my friend Evan picked off a pass and had nothing but green grass in front of him for the game-winning pick six. Unfortunately, he fell. The Falls Church squad shut down Arlington and we eventually won 7-6. I was wondering if this could be a sign for the Giants. I would find out it was.

Before the game, I figured this would be a close game and could be won by either side. I was worried about New England’s tight ends even though Rob Gronkowski was banged up. They were a mismatch against our linebackers. For the Giants to win, they would need to control the ball and take advantage of their wide receiver matchups. Also, their defensive line needs to pressure Tom Brady like they did in Super Bowl 42.

Here is my running diary for Super Bowl 46 (All times are approximate):

4 pm Stains and I decide to watch the game at 51^st State Tavern. It’s a Giants bar and we knew we needed to be around Giants fans to celebrate or drown our sorrows with. We got a seat by the main bar and establish rapport with both bartenders so we can get fubar tonight. I’m decked out in my Justin Tuck jersey and Giants hat while Stains wears something out of his metrosexual closet.

4:30 pm David Tyree talks about his helmet catch with Bob Costas and Rodney Harrison. Harrison was the safety who couldn’t knock the ball loose in that game. He also has a “You stole my fucking ring, Tyree” glare about him during the interview. Tyree shows off his bling while wearing either the worst tie or the worst scarf in the history of mankind. This thing is so gay, even Mike Cleary called David Tyree a fag.

5 pm Stains decides to bet on the Giants at +3. I take the Giants at +9/under 59 points. I figure it’s only money and it should make the game more enjoyable. If I lose, I can always get more money. I’m a white male with hair. The sky’s the limit for Boyd.

5:30 pm The bartender changes the channel inadvertently. My biggest pet peeve is bartenders at sports bars that work the remote like a woman. Is that a sexist statement? Show me a woman who can work the remote control and I’ll retract this comment. Otherwise, shut up.

6:19 pm Kelly Clarkson and her hideous bangs sign the National Anthem. I thought she did a good job. I’m also glad she finished her eight-piece bucket of fried chicken before taking the stage.

6:37 pm The Giants drive down the field but stall after the Pats sack Eli Manning twice. Luckily, Steve Weatherford pins the Pats at the 5 with a great punt.

6:39 pm They show Gisele Bundchen in her suite. I’m not sure where Bridget Moynahan and her bastard son are watching the game.

6:40 pm The first ever safety in Super Bowl history. Tom Brady is called for intentional grounding after he threw the ball to no one downfield. My boy, Justin Tuck, put on the pressure. The bar loses its shit. I joked to Stains that whoever bet the first score would be a safety must be loving life right now. I find out on Monday someone put a $1000 on that, in Vegas at 50 to 1 odds. Lucky bastard.

6:41 pm I’m pissed I didn’t bet on the prop bet the final score would be 4-0. The odds were 5,000 to 1.

6:42 pm Elton John whores himself out for Pepsi Max with Flavor Flav. A proud moment for one and the complete opposite for the other.

6:45 pm Stains and I determine that Henry Hynoski is the 2^nd greatest thing to come out of Pittsburgh. The first was the dude who put french fries and cole slaw into a sandwich.

6:49 pm Victor Cruz fumbled at the Pats’ 8 yard line, but luckily, it didn’t count as the defense had 12 guys on the field. Big break for the G-men.

6:51 pm Cruz salsas his way into the end zone. Great throw by Eli as the linebacker was in good position to break it up. He completed his first nine passes, a Super Bowl record to start a game. I drunkenly salsa dance at the bar. Giants are up 9-0 as they have controlled the ball for most of the first 12 minutes of this game.

6:55 pm Coca Cola has an ad with polar bears. It did a good job as I now want a polar bear.

7:05 pm The Pats finally get on the board to make the score 9-3. Jason Pierre-Paul batted down a pass on a pivotal 3^rd down pass. NBC decides to show his dad, who has a retarded look on his face. I later find out he is blind.

7:12 pm Cris Collinsworth is amazed on how big Brandon Jacobs is. I’m amazed Collinsworth spells his first name like a douchebag.

7:13 pm Travis Beckham, the Giants’ backup tight end, tears his ACL. This becomes noteworthy later on in the game.

7:14 pm Volkswagon has a commercial where a dog loses weight by working out relentlessly. On a related note, Stains jams a bunch of chips into his mouth.

7:19 pm David Beckham shows off in his underwear. Millions of dudes around the world question their sexuality.

7:20 pm Coca Cola has their 2^nd ad featuring polar bears. I now want another polar bear so my other polar bear has a playmate.

7:27 pm NBC shows off the Giants’ offensive linemen. They should have called the photo shoot “Brokeback Blocking”.

7:28 pm The Giants great drive is derailed by a questionable holding call. Rather than run more time off the clock and possibly score, they are force to give the ball back to the Pats with four minutes remaining in the half. Weatherford pins them at the four with another great punt.

7:37 pm Sketchers show off their running shoes on a dog. I now want a pair for my polar bears.

7:47 pm Tom Brady make the Giants look silly as he leads the longest touchdown drive in SB history. The touchdown pass was made an easy when JPP stops rushing and drops into coverage. The Pats head into the locker room with a 10-9 lead.

8:00 pm The halftime show with Madonna. It features a bunch of dudes break dancing on steps, a guy in a toga bouncing off a tight rope with his genitals, LMFAO using more of their 15 minutes of fame, New England’s DT Vince Wilfork joining Madonna for “Like a Prayer” (Stains told me it was actually Cee Lo Green) and someone called M.I.A. flipping off America. After Nipplegate in 2004, networks have gone the safe route with halftime entertainment, playing older and safer acts. M.I.A. threw all that goodwill out the window with a middle finger. At least throw a beaver shot if you are going to piss off everyone.

8:15 pm The couple next to Stains spends the entire 2^nd half hugging. It’s quite ridiculous. Who hugs for that long?!?!

8:16 pm We manage to find the only three non-Giants fans in the bar as they tried to take Stains’ seat when he went to the bathroom. These three fugly girls were Redskins fans. Stains shows his cordial side by talking to them. I show my cordial side by not telling these cunts to shut the hell up.

8:17 pm Clint Eastwood revives his “Gran Torino” character to speak on behalf of Chrysler, minus his hatred of Asians. I guess you can’t say gook on NBC, but you can flip them off.

8:23 pm Chad Ocho Cinco catches the first pass of the half. I’m surprised because I thought Ocho Cinco was dead. I even sent flowers to what I thought was his funeral.

8:25 pm NBC shows pictures of Tom Brady acting like a complete tool.

8:30 pm Tom Brady is perfect again as he hooks up with Aaron Hernandez for a TD. Brady breaks another SB record with 16 straight completions. Hernandez celebrates by opening the vault and making it rain. I woulda thought it was a good celebration if the Giants weren’t down 17-9. Now, I’m just angry at that beaner.

8:32 pm They play up the Myra Craft angle on NBC. Myra, the wife of Pats owner Bob Kraft, passed away this summer from cancer. I refuse to make a joke about this despite my anger. I do not want to piss off the Karma God.

8:36 pm Hakeem Nicks is drilled by the sideline and is shaken up. The bar is silent as a Nicks injury would be catastrophic.

8:38 pm Nicks is fine as Lawrence Tynes kicks a field goal, making the score 17-12.

8:40 pm They show Eli’s mom and wife in a suite. The biggest surprise of the night is Peyton Manning is not shown at all, despite his attendance.

8:47 pm Pats drive stalls as Tuck gets his first sack of the night. Tuck has a chance to win Super Bowl MVP if the Giants win. Brady seems to be favoring his left shoulder while leaving the field.

8:51 pm After getting great field position, Nicks fumbles after a catch, but luckily, the ball is recovered by Hynoski.

8:55 pm The Giants get to the red zone, but a sack forces Tynes to kick another field goal. It’s now 17-15 Pats. The mood in the bar is somber. Too many times the Giants left points on the board. Plus, everyone knows the Pats are capable of scoring at any time. Thank God for our defense.

9:03 pm After Brady showed great awareness by escaping two potential, he throws a deep ball that is picked off by Giants LB Chase Blackburn. Blackburn was teaching high school two months ago, now he’s making an interception in the Super Bowl. First turnover in the game.

9:04 pm Stains and I start doing shots. In Super Bowl 42, I didn’t drinking liquor until the 4^th quarter and the Giants ended up winning. I figure this might be the good luck charm the team needs. It’s not about me and my liver, it’s about the Giants.

9:05 pm For the second time this game, the Giants fumble the ball but it is recovered again by the Giants. If the Giants win, fans can point out how lucky they were that the ball bounced just right. Pats fans will probably get drunk and beat their wives.

9:06 pm After all the hype, they finally show the Ferris Bueller commercial. God awful.

9:11 pm Starting Giants TE Jack Ballard hurts his knee and his night is done. The Giants are now out of pass catching tight ends and are forced to use three and four wide receivers the rest of the night. On the bright side, Victor Cruz has started getting open and catching some balls.

9:15 pm Mario Manningham catches a 30 yard pass, but can’t get both feet inbounds. Collinsworth notes Manningham has had trouble with his foot work on deep balls all season. Manningham is incredibly frustrating because he is very talented but drops a lot of catchable balls.

9:18 pm The 3^rd down pass falls incomplete to Manningham, but it appeared the refs blew a pass interference call. Tom Coughlin loses his shit as does the entire bar. Also hurting on this drive was the team using two timeouts on a drive resulting in no points. Weatherford steps up again, pinning the Pats at their nine yard line. It is still 17-15, with nine minutes remaining in the game.

9:19 pm Barring anything crazy, I won my bet. I don't care about my bet. I care about the ring.

9:20 pm Second shots sonnnnnnnnnnn.

9:29 pm The Pats are trying to run off as much time as possible and it’s working. Brady is dinking and dunking the ball all over the place. Currently down to four minutes with the ball at midfield.

9:30 pm Biggest break in the game as Wes Welker drops a 25 yard pass as the Giants were confused in coverage. The throw wasn’t the best but a NFL receiver needs to make that catch, especially someone as gifted as Welker. This could be the Evan moment the Giants needed.

9:31 pm Deion Branch can’t hold onto the 3^rd down pass. Good breakup by Giants CB Corey Webster on a ball that was thrown behind the receiver. Giants get the ball at their 12 yard line.

9:32 pm Mario Manningham makes the greatest catch of his life, catching a 38 yard grab on the sideline. Even better than the catch was the throw. Eli threaded this pass between two defenders and Mario did a great job sticking both feet inbounds. It’s not quite the Tyree catch, but it is the definitive moment of the game thus far. Pats coach Bill Belichick challenges the call to no avail. The lost timeout comes back to haunt New England.

9:37 pm The Giants are moving the ball slowly but surely. They are currently at the Pats 35 with three minutes remaining.

9:38 pm Nicks catches a slant to get into the red zone at the two minute warning. The Giants are in field goal range, but now must be aware of taking time off the clock. You don’t want to give the ball back to Brady with time to spare.

9:41 pm Collinsworth mentions how it might be smart to take a knee at the one yard line rather than score. Nicks catches another first down but goes out of bounds at the eight yard line.

9:42 pm Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw gets stuffed at the line of scrimmage, forcing the Pats to burn their second timeout.

9:43 pm MOTHERFUCKIN’ TOUCHDOWN. Bradshaw went in untouched, but he appeared to try and knee it at the one. However, his momentum brought him into the end zone. Either way, the Giants take their first lead since the first quarter. The bar has lost their minds right now.

9:45 pm Giants do not get the two-point conversion as they decide to run the ball with their third running back and their best blocking tight end out. I guess Tom Coughlin was drunk. 21-17 G-Men with 57 seconds remaining.

9:48 pm Branch and Hernandez both drop passes before Tuck gets his second sack of the game. It is now 4^th and long as the Pats burn their last timeout. Everyone is screaming at 51^st State.

9:50 pm Fuckin’ Brady escapes the rush again and completes a first down pass. 32 seconds remaining.

9:51 pm Hernandez catches a ball but gets tackled at their 40, inbounds. 17 seconds after the spike.

9:52 pm Deep bomb to Hernandez is incomplete, but the Giants had 12 men on the field. Ball is at the 45. Brady throws an incomplete pass to Branch with five seconds to go.

9:52 pm Last play of the game. We all know the Hail Mary is coming. The ball is thrown into the end zone and………VICTORY!!!!! I didn’t realize how close Gronkowski was to catching the tip until Monday morning. I spend the next ten minutes hugging anyone in sight and singing along to the music they played. Good times.

Seven weeks ago, I was prepared to help Tom Coughlin move out of New York after he got fired. Now, he got his second ring with the team, will most likely coach the Giants until he retires, and probably earned a spot in the Hall of Fame. He’ll probably be joined in Canton with Eli Manning one day. Anytime you can watch your team win the championship, it’s one of the greatest feelings ever. As for the Patriots, Tom Brady will have to answer his critics about his Super Bowl slumps and his inability to beat the Giants. His wife is already throwing his receivers under the bus and Belichick’s genius will be in question as he has not won a championship since 2004. Thank God Evan fell down and Welker dropped the ball.

The Giants deserve to celebrate. They were 7-7 two months ago. Then, they ran the table. Mario Manningham probably earned himself a rich contract elsewhere. Osi Umenyiora had to deal with injuries and contract issues all year, but came on late. They should all celebrate. The title defense starts in a few months

           -Written by Marcus Boyd