You Can't Avoid Boyd - 2011-The Good, The Bad, The Winehouse

2011-The Good, the Bad, the Winehouse

The world will end in December 2012, according to John Cusack and those zany Mayans. With the Earth’s demise approaching, this could be my last time I can do a year in review on this blog. Let’s get to it.

The Good- I know a lot of people find baseball boring as shit, but this year was pretty exciting. The last day of the regular season saw two teams, who were left for dead in early September, clinch playoff spots. One of those teams, the St. Louis Cardinals, won the World Series, despite being down to their final strike twice in Game 6. While many predicted a boring World Series, it was anything but.

The Bad- I covered the NFL lockout extensively on this blog, but they got their shit together and didn’t miss any regular season games. We are approaching the final week of the season and no one can complain about the quality of play (unless you cheer for the Redskins.) However, the NBA was in the same boat and handled it ten times worse. The players and owners both knew there was going to be a lockout, but decided they wanted to get in a pissing contest over several months. By the end of it, both sides agreed to a deal that neither is really happy with. An 82-game season turned into a 66-game season in order to start on Christmas and not push the playoffs into July, with a shortened training camp and off days sacrificed. Already, we are seeing teams with new players struggling as they have no chemistry and it should get interesting when older/injury-prone players attempt to play their third game in as many nights.

The Winehouse- Can old white guys stop diddling kids? Seriously. Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Fine, Bill Conlin, insert the name of the next geriatric fuckhead to be named later. This is a disturbing trend and needs to be stopped immediately. If these guys are frisky, get with someone your own age consensually. Feel free to eat canned tuna off the bottom shelf. That’s what my friends do and they seem happy.

The Good- In the world of television, “Boardwalk Empire” might have taken a step back from a great first season, but still delivered a solid encore. “Parks and Recreation” has received critical acclaim by relevant publications (Entertainment Weekly, Time) and irrelevant sacks of shit (Hennessy) over the past year. “24/7 Road to the Winter Classic” has continued its awesome in-depth coverage of two NHL teams preparing for their New Year’s Day game outdoors and “30 Rock” was finally syndicated, allowing us to see the earlier episodes most people missed before the show became known.

The Bad- “Friday Night Lights”. By no means am I going to trash this show as I thought it was great from beginning to end. However, it’s crazy in this day and age for a show to leave on a successful run. It appeared to have a great formula as it replaced cast members regularly to keep the show fresh. Yet, great shows end prematurely while the networks shove other garbage down our throats. I feel like Red in “Shawshank Redemption” once Andy escapes. I’m happy for the show to go out on its own terms but I’m just sad I lost my friend. “The Office” has declined tremendously. It lost its main star, but it still had time to replace him. Instead, they half-assed it with the completely bizarre Robert California character, who has his moments but gets dull quickly. Last, shame on you FOX for pulling the plug on “Chicago Code”. It had potential, but you bailed on it immediately. You should have given it a full season before cancelling it.

The Winehouse- Reality shows. The Kardashians and the “Jersey Shore” crew keep getting more famous despite their antics dumbing down America. As someone who ashamedly watches “Jersey Shore”, the thought of Snooki being a multi-millionaire while I struggle to find a decent job often provides the fuel I need to cry myself to sleep.

The Good- All throughout Christmas, there were stories of real life Santas saving Christmas for several families. All throughout the U.S., anonymous donors were donating money to pay off layaway bills. For those of you unfamiliar, buying on layaway means retail stores will reserve your item until you pay the item off. There are usually terms for how much time you have for this and if you can pay off the item in the appropriate time, the item goes back on the sale shelf while the partial payment is returned. During this tough economy, many were buying their presents on layaway, hoping to pay it off by Christmas. While they were struggling to pay off their bills, many received surprising phone calls from the stores on how their bill was settled.

2011 has come and gone. Hopefully, I’ll be around this blog at this time next year, reviewing 2012 and calling the Mayans a bunch of lying cunts

                       -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Bowling for Dollars

Bowling for Dollars

It’s easy to tell when it’s the holiday season. It gets colder, the New York Giants are in the midst of their annual 2^nd half collapse, you hear such classics as “Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer” and “The Hanukah Song” on the radio, and we get inundated by college football bowl games. You don’t believe me. When I was born, there were 15 bowl games all around January 1st. Now, there are 35 bowls, taking place over three weeks. Let’s get into what grinds my gears about the bowl system.

Back in the day, college teams went to bowl games based on their conference affiliation. If you won the Pac-10 or Big Ten, you went to the Rose Bowl while the SEC champs went to the Sugar Bowl, regardless of your rankings. The champion was determined after all the bowls by the AP and Coaches Polls. People questioned the system altogether, wondering how a champion can be named when the #1 team in the country played an inferior opponent in their bowl game. In 1984, #1 BYU beat a 6-5 Michigan team to secure the national title. In 1995, NCAA created the Bowl Coalition that tried to match up the top two ranked teams among the top bowls (Orange, Sugar, Fiesta) in the country. However, the Rose Bowl did not join as they chose to keep their tradition intact. In 1997, it resulted in a split championship when #1 Michigan won their Rose Bowl game while #2 Nebraska beat #3 Tennessee in the Orange Bowl. Due to this, the Bowl Championship Series was created and included all the major conferences. It also created a system that has been shredded by all sports fans in America.

There have been years when the top two teams in the country are easy to determine. However, most of the time there has been debates. The easiest example of this is this year. LSU is undefeated and earned a spot in the championship game. But what about the #2 spot. Alabama’s only loss is to LSU in a close game. However, that loss prevented ‘Bama from playing in their conference championship game. Oklahoma State won their conference, but lost to a shitty Iowa State team (the day after two OSU basketball coaches were killed in a plane crash) during the season. The disagreement ensued the last few weeks. Should a team play in the BCS title game if it didn’t win their conference? Alabama prevailed as the #2 by the slimmest of margins in the rankings. I agree with that, but I know about 40% of America would tell me to go fuck myself as OSU deserves the spot. Another 20% would say Stanford (or another team) should be in the mix.

College football fans say they need a playoff system. 16 teams play until one team can be crowned the champs. For us, it makes sense. To the NCAA, that would be a nightmare scenario. They say playing the additional games will hurt the academics of these athletes during their finals schedule in December. That’s a bunch of bullshit. The NCAA are pimps to the players’ role as prostitutes. The players do not earn any money (they do get scholarships and many benefits that regular students don’t get) in this billion dollar industry. The schools, the conferences, and the NCAA all profit directly. The one thing it would create is a logistical nightmare for the fans. It would be a lot to expect fans to travel to four various locations if they followed their team on their championship run.

My other serious gripe about the bowl system is the bowls don’t care about the matchups, they care about turnout. This year, Virginia Tech received an at-large bid to the Sugar Bowl over Arkansas, Kansas State, and Boise State. Virginia Tech should have been in the discussion, but should have never gotten this bid. All the other teams deserved to go (I understand passing over Arkansas since they went to the Sugar Bowl last year) over VT. The bowl committee said past success and reputation played a factor in their invite. What they should have said is they will sell their tickets. Each team is responsible for selling their allotment of tickets to the game. The Sugar Bowl was hoping that VT would sell their 17,500 ticket allotment, figuring the local economy will get a boost. Right now, VT is about 10,000 tickets short of selling out. More people on buying tickets on secondary markets, like Stubhub, since these tickets are cheaper. While those Hokie fans will pack the Superdome, that doesn’t count towards the allotment. Luckily, Virginia Tech’s conference, the ACC, has a bylaw that will buy all unsold tickets. So, the school won’t take the loss by itself, it will be shared with all the ACC schools. While I know my friends will have a great time in New Orleans, I hope they realize their trip is undeserved.

Profits are always a big issue with the bowl games. By making a bowl game, the school gets money to attend (the bigger the game, the bigger the payout.) This is usually shared among all the schools in its conference. However, the school must pick up all of the expenses. It’s not uncommon for a school to lose money for attending a bowl game. Connecticut lost about $1.8 million for attending the 2010 Fiesta Bowl, most of the loss from the 15,000 tickets they couldn’t sell. Nevada has currently sold ten tickets for their Hawaii Bowl game on Saturday.

Despite its flaws, I still like the bowl system. There will always be a controversy in NCAA football, even if there is a 16-team playoff. I am sure people will be arguing just like when they announce the NCAA basketball tournament bracket, about certain teams not making it. It’s part of the fun/frustration. As for the games themselves, the coaching staff loves the extra practice time they wouldn’t get otherwise. And it seems the players love it as well. You look at the reaction the players and fans had when LA Lafayette beat San Diego State with a 50-yard field goal at the end of regulation. Sure, most people could care less about lesser games like the Potato Bowl, but some still do. And for that, the haters can eat a dick. Merry Christmas!!

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Chuck Norris Wears Tim Tebow Pajamas

Chuck Norris Wears Tim Tebow Pajamas

I realize ESPN and the NFL Network talk about him 24/7, and everyone’s mom even knows about him, but I need to speak my piece on Jesus Christ Superstar, Tim Tebow.

I know he is an easy target because he might be the most religious person of all time and his passing awkwardness as a professional quarterback, but this man should be Time’s Man of the Year. He’s 8-3 as a starter in the NFL after a successful high school and college career. All of his pro wins have involved some sort of comeback, most occurring in the 4^th quarter. Some people are questioning if the Detroit Lions’ recent losing streak is a result of mocking Tebow during their blowout victory over Denver six weeks ago. Tebowing became a fad, then an official word via the Global Language Monitor, whatever the hell that is. He has become a cultural icon despite the haters.

The haters have been there since Tebow hit the national scene. His religious beliefs were the subject of ridicule (Tebow did missionary work in the Philippines for three summers, wore Bible verses on his eye black until it was banned, and stated he was a virgin due to his religion.) While his style of running and throwing dominated the college scene, people questioned how he’d transition to the pro game. Experts claimed he couldn’t make the throws a NFL QB needed to make, his throwing style would never work on Sundays, and that his running style would get him killed against bigger, faster defensive players. Some even questioned if he would be drafted as a quarterback or if he would have to change positions like many option-style QBs before him. When the Broncos traded up for him in the 1^st round of the 2010 draft, people thought it was a huge reach and was going to be a bust.

Going into this season, the people in Denver wanted Tebow to start from the get-go. However, there were two exceptions: Head coach John Fox, and VP of Football Operations/NFL legend John Elway. Both men were new to the 2011 staff and were not with the team when they drafted Tebow, thus owing no loyalty to him. Tim didn’t help his case by having a horrific training camp (Local reporters said he looked like the 4^th or 5^th best QB on the Broncos during the summer.) Despite fans purchasing a billboard to show support for their favorite young player, Tebow remained on the bench until replacing Kyle Orton at halftime in Week 5. This is where the legend begins. He nearly overcame a 16 point deficit in a game Denver still lost. After this game, he was named the starter against the Dolphins. His starting days looked to be over as he played as well as I would have had for 57 minutes. Fortunately for Tebow and Denver, there are 60 minutes in a football game and Tebow managed to lead his team to 18 unanswered points in an overtime win. After the Detroit loss, Tebow has managed to win his last six games despite very ugly stats. The Denver Broncos were left for dead after the first month of the season. Now, they are leading the AFC West.

Former players maintain that Tebow, despite his initial success, is ultimately doomed to fail unless he changes his playing style. Steve Young believes Denver is doing Tebow a disservice by encouraging his style of play, which he claims has no chance of succeeding long-term. I think Young should shut the fuck up. I am no expert in the matter, but Tebow has been successful thus far. Right now, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt since he has won over 70% of his NFL starts, beating some strong defenses along the way. He always puts the team above himself, acknowledging “Bronco Way” over “Tebow Way”. It’s a rare thing these days for an athlete to value his team’s success over personal accomplishment. He’ll be the first to admit he’s not the reason his team has rebounded. His defense and rushing offense have picked it up since their slow start. Some breaks have fallen their way during the winning streak, like Marion Barber’s brainfart/fumble. However, Tebow is leading the ship and his players and coaches have nothing but good things to say about him.

I don’t believe Tebow can have a successful NFL career without improving his passing game. However, nothing this man has done his entire life suggest he is not prepared to do so. This was a man who should have never been born. When he was a fetus, his mother contracted a serious illness that should have rendered him a stillbirth. An abortion was recommended, but the parents refused. Instead, he has become a positive inspiration for many. While his play can be dissected, his results cannot. Who cares if he threw the ball underhand? He’s still winning games. He’s been a winner his whole life. People need to relax and enjoy the ride, since no one knows when it will end, including the so-called experts. Until then, I will continue to cheer for him except if he plays the Giants or his inevitable Monday Night Football debut. Jon Gruden gets excited for Tyler Palko. I can only imagine the on-air orgasm he’ll have over Tim Tebow.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays

              Merry Christmas! Yes, I said Merry Christmas. Not happy holidays or enjoy the holidays or any of that other crap. To me, it's Merry Christmas. And you know what? It's not all about Jesus and Christianity. It's about a holiday that celebrates family and love and presents. Yes, it's also Jesus' birthday and I don't want to downplay that. I'm just saying, there are a lot of other things associated with Christmas. What's the big deal?

              I was at a bar crawl this past weekend in Georgetown called the Santa Stumble. Everyone in attendance was dressed up in some kind of festive outfit trying to out-do everyone else. Everybody there was drinking, dancing, drinking and having a great time.  The entire neighborhood was decorated and you could just feel the "Christmas spirit." And you know what? It had nothing to do with religion. It had everything to do with getting together with friends and family and having a good time. Why can't it be that way for the rest of the world?

              Some people believe strongly that December 25th is all about the birth of Christ. It should be used to gather with family and rejoice in the salvation he brought us.

              Some people believe that December 25th is about Santa bringing presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world.

              Some people believe that December 25th is a holiday created by corporations to sell products.

              I believe that Christmas is a great holiday to decorate whatever you want, dress in ugly sweaters, put up a tree, wrap gifts, enjoy family and friends, drink (ir)responsibly and get a couple days off work.

             I have a question.

            What's the difference? Whether you're celebrating the birth of Christ or some fat dude breaking and entering, just enjoy it and keep your mouth shut. And if you are one of those people that doesn't believe in God or Santa, you can still believe in family and friends. You can still enjoy the decorations and music and the general atmosphere of the season. Right? It doesn't have to be a religious event for everyone.

            You can celebrate it however you'd like. The bottom line is, it's Christmas either way. If you want to do it by putting up a baby Jesus nativity scene, go for it! If you want to celebrate it by putting up a giant Santa in your yard, go for it. If you want to put up a Wacky Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man, by all means, go for it. As long as you let everyone else celebrate it the way they want to.

           Freedom of religion is real and should be respected. What I'm trying to do is bring everyone together for the sake of celebration. Forget the details about why, just do it. And have fun with it. Let everyone else have fun with it and we'll all feel better. The bickering about the true meaning of Christmas and whether to say happy holidays or not is all bullshit. The holiday is Christmas, no matter what it means to you. If you say Happy Chanukah to me, you'll get the same in response. Out of respect. So if I say Merry Christmas to you, just say it right back and move on with your day. Don't make a big deal out of it. If you say happy holidays to me, I'm going to kick you in the pills. If you're a lady, I'll give you the stink-eye. And I don't mean I'll look at your weird. I mean I'll bend over, drop my pants and show you my balloon knot. The point is, respect everyone else's freedoms and enjoy yours. If we all did that, we'd be some happy mother fuckers.

            So I'll put my Santa hat on, head over to the GoodWill, and get someone to play with my candy cane and jingle bells. For a Ham Sandwich of course. Merry Christmas!

You Can't Avoid Boyd - You Play to Win the Game

You Play to Win the Game

Before I delve into my weekly post, I’d like to congratulate Pat Hennessy for the creation of this blog. We recently read the 100^th HJFHS post (I knew there was no chance he’d let me write it since Pat is a glory hog) and he made sure this blog kept running along despite this idea starting out as a joke. Sure, he might not post as frequently, and his content might be watered down, and his hair might be significantly grayer, but damn it, he runs a good blog overall. I’m glad I can help with my weekly contribution (This is my 37^th post). I’d also like to thank our non-gentile contributor, Josh, for taking time out of his busy schedule of shotgunning Iron City Light and fingering married chicks to write that one post back in the day. Anyway, back to my regular scheduled post….

Sportsmanship has been a hot topic in the world of sports lately. Whether it is DeSean Jackson costing his team 50 yards by taunting the Giants about a month ago or the Detroit Lions losing their composure in New Orleans last week, athletes are showing a lack of sportsmanship. My favorite showing thus far is when Brandon Jacobs of the NY Giants celebrated a touchdown run by dancing for about 90 seconds before the ref told him to stop. I should point out the Giants were down 21-3 before his score and were completely outplayed at that point. I am glad Jacobs felt the need to celebrate excessively. I have no issue with a guy celebrating a big play as long as it is appropriate. A big touchdown in a close game; dance it up. A touchdown while you’re getting blown out; hand the ball to the ref and go to the sideline unnoticed. I am going to tackle two stories that were in the news recently.

In early November during a junior high preseason basketball tournament in Kentucky, Pikeville MS beat Kimper MS 100-2. Pikeville is in a pretty big school district and features kids that play on the AAU circuit while Kimper only has 180 students from kindergarten through eighth grade. This game was quickly forgotten until some media outlets were reporting the Pikeville school district was looking into forfeiting the rest of the junior high season over this lack of sportsmanship. There were accusations of running up the score despite Pikeville’s coach removing his starters after the first two minutes and encouraging his team to play a softer defense for the entire 2^nd half as they were leading 70-0. Unfortunately, Kimper could not score until a last second lay-in prevented them from being shutout. When I first heard this story, I was shocked. Despite the one-sided score, it seems Pikeville played with great sportsmanship. They called off the dogs early, softened their defense, and did not run up the score. I was glad to hear that the superintendent said rumors of forfeiting the season were completely false. While they did investigate if the score was run up, they found nothing to indicate it. I’ll keep you posted when these two schools meet again in the regular season

LSU finished the regular season 12-0 but dealt with sportsmanship issues along the finish. While beating Ole Miss 52-3, LSU’s coach Les Miles decided to have his offense take a knee midway through the 4^th quarter, running out some of the clock. While some people saw this as a way to finish the game without running up the score, others viewed it as a slap in the face. You kneel at the very end of the game, not with six minutes left. They thought Miles showed poor sportsmanship. Fast forward a week later when LSU took on Arkansas. With LSU up 38-17, they took possession with good field position and ran their normal offense before settling for a field goal. However, Arkansas’ coach Bobby Petrino viewed it as running up the score and was caught cursing out Miles from his sideline. Afterwards, Petrino pulled away quickly after the post-game handshake. I feel LSU did the right thing in both instances, especially after hearing complaints about the Ole Miss game. If anyone showed poor sportsmanship, it was Petrino. If you don’t want LSU kicking field goals on you late in the game, have your defense nut up and stop them. They ran basic pass and run plays. They didn’t run any trick plays. They could have been stopped. They weren’t.

I think there is a lot of good sportsmanship in sports, but I know there are too many poor examples as well. I know I will continue to see players flip the ball to the ref before crossing the goal line. I know certain teams will continue to run up the score (I’m looking at you Bill Belichick) when possible. I know this will continue and any pleas I make will fall upon deaf ears. However, we don’t need to see the media make examples out of nothing, like Pikeville and LSU. There is enough out there to report about without making mountains out of molehills.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Big 100

           Well Ham Sandwich lovers, we made it! This is the 100th post on Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. It's been a wild ride so far. We started out in a blaze and have tailed off a little bit in the last couple months. I'd like to thank Marcus Boyd for continuing to provide "You Can't Avoid Boyd" posts every Thursday. I would also like to extend an invitation to everyone reading, if you'd like to write a post, or have a weekly thing like Boyd does, please contact me and let's make it happen.

            This blog has been a great way for me to get some things off my chest and voice my opinion to the handful of people that actually read it. There have been funny posts, serious posts, hot-topic posts and some general rambling. But they've all been Ham Sandwiches and I thank you for eating them!

            HJFHS hasn't reached the level I want it to, so we need to amp this up a bit. I'll continue to post when I feel moved and Boyd will continue to provide Thursday reading. What I need from you readers out there is this; please read and comment because it really helps us as writers to get some feedback no matter how small or off topic it may be. Also, please tell your friends to read it and let's get this thing all over the web. I'll be working on making it look nicer and getting it more hits on the web.

           In conclusion, thank you for reading and I'll try my best to keep you entertained. If you have anything you'd like to write about, I'll post it on here whenever you want. So get off your ass and write something. It's a lot of fun. I'm going into my kitchen to make a Ham Sandwich so I can take it downtown and get a Hand-job. Thanks again for making 100 posts possible!

Brotherly Love?

          This blog has been up and running for months now and we're approaching 100 posts. Normally I leave the sports talk to Boyd because he knows more about sports than I do. Not this time.

          The Philadelphia Eagles are my favorite team. I was born in Philadelphia before moving to the Poconos when I was 7. I love our fans and I love how other people hate us for being passionate about football. I love cheese steaks and beer and of course brotherly love. I love the Liberty Bell and that sexy crack she's always showing off. I love water (wooder) and bagels (begels). If you still don't get it, I love Philly.

           There is one thing I can't stand though. Little punks who think they deserve millions of dollars because they can run fast. I'm talking about DeSean Jackson. This guy's contract is up at the end of this season. I would think he would be trying to prove himself so he can get the money he deserves. That's what I would do. I would play as hard as I can and catch as many touchdowns as possible. That way, either the Eagles will pay me big to stay, or another team will pay me big to leave. That's just me though, I don't have a false sense of entitlement. This mother fucker thinks he should just be given the money because of who he is. That my friends, is bullshit!

           He oversleeps and misses a special teams meeting, he's the punt returner, and gets benched for a critical game against Arizona. We lost. He dropped two touchdown passes against the Patriots because he was afraid of getting hit. We lost. He acted like a little baby and wouldn't talk to his teammates against Seattle. We lost. I know there are other factors that go into our losing record. Maybe an offensive line coach trying to coach a defense isn't a great idea. We're tackling like bunch of Bernie Fine's ball boys if you ask me. But what do I know, I'm not a professional. The point is DeSean Jackson is a pussy and I hope he gets cut at the end of the year.

           Why do we always have to have problem receivers? T.O., as great as he was, really stirred shit up when he was in Philly. Now we have to deal with DeSean's oversized ego. I know he's fast and can make things happen on special teams. But why can't he just play with passion and try to earn his money instead of expecting it? I hate these athletes that turn into little bitches when they don't get what they want. It's so frustrating. If I went into work, sat there and demanded more money before I started giving a fuck again, I would get FIRED! On the spot, no questions asked. Why is this any different?

            All professional sports contracts should have a cry-baby clause. It would state: If you start acting like a little school girl instead of the grown ass man that we signed, you will be fired on the spot. BOOM, problem solved. You're welcome. Unfortunately that will never happen because this whole country is turning into a bunch of pussies that expect to be given everything. I'll save that for another post. Let me sum this up.

             I love Philly and always will. I love every team Philly has and will always root for them. I hate, and I use the word hate with every amount of hatred that can go along with it, professional athletes that feel entitled to millions of dollars for doing what they are supposed to do. Then they act like a 6 year old who can't have money for the ice cream truck when they don't get ridiculous contracts. Shut up and PLAY! You know who doesn't feel entitled to anything? The homeless lady behind the Shop-N-Go I'm going to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from tonight. That's something I can appreciate.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Thanksgiving Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: Thanksgiving Edition

In my last installment of this disaster of a theme, I’m on the road to the Poconos to celebrate Thanksgiving with family and friends. A road trip to the Poconos is worthy of a write-up since I only go home three times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, & some point in the spring/summer). In comparison, I have been to Taco Bell three times in the past five weeks.

Thanksgiving Eve: This unofficial holiday is the biggest bar night of the year, according to the experts. I guess people view this as a day to get blackout drunk with old friends (or what I call “any weekend”) and try to hook up with the girl that got a lot hotter since you graduated high school years ago. Since I am a conformist, I joined my friends for an expected night of debauchery. Since our hometown is boring as shit, we head out to a bar scene by a local college. It’s not too bad, but the best part of it is the hotel room we crash in. It is right above a bar, and pretty cheap. It also allows you to go to two of the three main bars in the area without stepping outside. After an aggressive pre-game (our friends debated what our fantasy team names would have been if we were in a league on September 12^th, 2001), we just slowly killed our livers. The only worthwhile story is how my new catchphrase started a chick fight. An inebriated lady came up as my friends were ordering bear fights and asked me if I could help her send a text message from her phone. Showing the idiot how to do so from her phone, she then demanded I text her friend how to get to the bar. Since I am not a fan of being told what to do, I decided to text the following directions: Fuck your dick. I realize my catchphrase is offensive, but it conveys the necessary sentiment when used appropriately. Upon my FYD message, I got out before the drunkard noticed. As she was holding up her phone and stumbling, my friend noticed the message and realized she got Boyded. As he was laughing at her, I guess she saw another white trash girl and decided to take her frustrations out on this girl’s face. Several slaps later, she got the boot and I laughed for 27 straight minutes.

Thanksgiving: What a great day for gluttony. All you do is hang out with family, eat throughout the day, and watch football. Since most of my family stayed in New York/New Jersey, my parents and I had a quiet day together. For the first time in a decade, the Lions were going to play a meaningful early game. The Lions and Cowboys play every year on Thanksgiving as part of their tradition (both owners at the time realized it was an easy way to make money) and recently, the NFL added a random night game. The Lions have been dreadful for years, but finally built a contender. With a matchup against the undefeated Packers scheduled, people were awaiting this game for weeks. It was competitive until Ndamukong Suh decided to use someone’s arm as a floor mat and then Green Bay shit all over Detroit. Luckily, the Cowboys/Dolphins game was more competitive. The good thing about the Thanksgiving games is the retarded trophy they hand out after each game. FOX has been handing out the Galloping Gobbler for years. I can’t imagine Emmitt Smith’s mantle featuring the Gobbler among his many legitimate awards. CBS’ Phil Simms hands out the All-Iron Award, complete with a skillet of blackberry cobbler made by Simms’ mom. I miss the days when John Madden handed out turkey legs to his MVPs from his mutant eight-legged turkey. Apparently the night game hands out some sort of pie to the player of the game, but I didn’t know that since I pass out by halftime of the night game. Since the Ravens suffocated the 49ers this year, it helped me ease into the food-induced coma.

 

Speaking of food, a person doesn’t typically eat turkey, stuffing, cranberries, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, or pumpkin pie, much less gorge on these items, expect for Thanksgiving. Two quick notes about the food: First, since deep frying a turkey is becoming more common, I love that more media outlets teach you the do’s and don’ts of deep frying the turkey. Mainly the “Don’t deep fry the turkey indoors” note. Seriously, if you can’t figure out that you should deep fry many gallons of grease at 325 degrees Fahrenheit outdoors, please let me know so I can hit you in the head with a tack hammer. Second, green bean casserole fools me every year. I think of the green bean as I think of an ugly bang sack from back in the day. I only wanted to be around either if times were desperate. Then, I see the green bean/bang sack all dressed up (cream of mushroom soup & fried onions/make-up & jacked up cleavage) after a long hiatus and think its all good. WRONG! It still sucks and you have nothing but regret the next day.

Black Friday: I will never get this day. Great sales starting at the butt crack of dawn and people instinctively flock to the stores like the salmon of Capistrano. I don’t see the deals as being that special, but I am not shopping savvy. In the Poconos, I was reading about a guy who was camping at a store Tuesday afternoon to shop at Thursday midnight. He was camping over 60 hours to save. That is insane. I hope he got what he wanted, but if not, whatever, fuck him. Otherwise, there are usually some decent sports on. College football usually has some good rivalry games. This year featured LSU take on Arkansas in a game with championship implications. It was a good game until LSU remembered it was good and destroyed the Razorbacks. Also, the NHL is trying to start a new tradition by playing a game on network TV. This year featured the Red Wings beating the Bruins in a shootout. I hope this tradition sticks.

Thanksgiving Weekend: Leftovers and two nights of blacking out. I may have slept in a trunk on Friday night. Enough said.

That brings you to end of my traveling adventure. There was laughter, there was tears, that was even some vomit. I hope you all enjoyed it. If not, fuck your dick

                -Written by Marcus Boyd