You Can't Avoid Boyd

Sweet Old Lady or The “Diaper Bomber”?

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has received plenty of scrutiny this past week over a June 18^th incident. According to reports, TSA officials forced a 95-year-old woman, stricken with leukemia & bound to a wheelchair, to remove her adult diapers when questions arose during her pat down at a Florida airport. The woman’s daughter, Jean Weber, filed a complaint against TSA, telling the press “It’s something I couldn’t imagine happening on American soil.” As an opinionated blogger, this stuff better happen on American soil.

On Sunday, TSA reviewed the incident and said everything was done by the book. Per protocol, they patted down the 95-year-old as all people in wheelchairs are subjected to the pat down. After determining something suspicious on her leg, they assisted the woman into a private secluded room to further continue the inspection. It said it never forced the woman (who has not had her name released) to remove her adult diaper. Weber confirmed this, saying it was her idea to remove the diaper once officials informed the pair they wouldn’t be allowed to board their flight until they can inspect her diaper. TSA allowed Weber to get her checked-in luggage as she did not bring an extra diaper with her, but she declined as she was not sure how long that would take and did not want to miss her flight. The suspicious feeling ended up being a soiled diaper. The 95-year-old was cleared by TSA officials but had to fly back to Michigan commando unfortunately.

First off, I would have viewed this ordeal as God’s way of saying “Don’t go to Michigan, ever.” Second, I have never had to be the responsible caretaker for someone who wore diapers (babies, incontinent, or elderly) before, but if I were, I’d probably keep an extra diaper or two in my carry-on bag if we were flying. Last, a lot of people are viewing this episode as abuse of power. They are questioning how a government agency can take the last of an elderly woman’s dignity by subjecting her to this. What were the chances this woman had a bomb in her diaper? Extremely low, but there was still a chance. We live in a world where people have successfully boarded a plane with a bomb in their shoes & underwear, and where people were able to take control of four planes while wielding box cutters. We have developed a system where the government is trying to stop this. They can’t just randomly select Muslims at an airport security checkpoint for additional searches. That’s called racial profiling. Everyone has to be treated the same. Suspicions arose during her pat down. A pat down anyone in a wheelchair would have gotten. She wasn’t selected because of her age or gender or arbitrarily.

It’s unfortunate this innocent woman had to go through this, but TSA did its job. Whether it’s a child or the elderly, this agency needs to make sure it does everything in its legal capacity to make sure each airline passenger is not a threat to national security. Since 9/11, the rules have changed. We have to remove our shoes now before going through the metal detector. We have full body scan machines. We can’t masturbate on airplanes anymore (Thanks a lot Bin Laden.) Sure, its inconvenience, but without it, we could possibly have 9/11 times 2,356. And nobody knows what that is.

          -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom - Steak Edition

          It's Wednesday and I've got some serious Words of Wisdom for you. I grilled one of my best steaks last night and it made me think. Why do people continually ruin steak? I'm talking putting A.1. or a house steak sauce on it. I know they are called steak sauces but they have no business on a correctly cooked piece of meat. So my Words of Wisdom for today are this; learn how to properly season and grill a steak and leave the steak sauce on the shelf.
     
          When it comes to steak you really need to take pride in it. Don't just buy it at the supermarket, open it up and throw it on the grill. Take care of it a little. Get a dry rub or a marinade together and let it sit for a day. Whatever you like, don't be afraid to experiment. I'll tell you what I used last night. Salt, fresh ground pepper, a little paprika, some garlic powder and a pinch of chili powder. I put what I figured would be a good amount of each and let it sit in the fridge overnight. You can use a liquid marinade if you'd like, but I would poke a couple holes in the meat to help the juices get in there. Either way you do it, you have to treat your meat with some respect and spice it up.  

          Another big part of grilling a great steak is knowing your limits. Don't be shy about going online and getting some grilling tips from the pros. You'd listen to Ray Allen if you wanted advice on shooting a three pointer right? Well there are some serious professionals out there when it comes to grilling meats. So put your pride on hold for a second and get some advice. I listen to Bobby Flay when it comes to anything on the grill but there are others out there, you just have to get your search on. One of the tips I'd like to pass on is to take the meat out of the fridge about an hour before you cook it to let it get down to room temperature. It'll make for better grilling and ensure the inside is just the way you like it.
           The time and temperature you use depends on the cut of meat and the thickness. So you'll have to do some experimenting to figure it out. When you're not quite sure, cut into the thickest part and see what it looks like in there. You only want to do this once or twice, don't check it every minute and have slices all over your steak. I've been cooking steaks about an inch thick on medium high heat. Maybe seven or eight minutes on one side and five or six on the other. This will all vary depending on the grill you have and the amount of propane or coals you're using. The important thing is to grill it 60% on one side and 40% on the other. Only flip ONCE! Every time you flip it over all that flavorful juice gets wasted on the burners below. So make sure you only turn it over once.

           Finally, sit back and enjoy it. Get a nice big steak knife, cut off a generous chunk and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Don't you dare get steak sauce and drown out all that natural steak flavor. A.1. is good, don't get me wrong. Maybe use some of it in a marinade or put it on another part of the dinner you fucked up. Just don't put it on the steak! If you go to a real steak house, they don't even have steak sauce there. If you try and ask for some, the chef will get pretty offended. Why? Because he made a great steak and you'd be an asshole if you ruined it with that shit. Again, learn how to season and grill a steak and leave the sauce on the shelf.

           Now, I'm not a professional by any means. But I'm not afraid to toot my horn on this one. I'm pretty damn good at grilling meat. So let these Words sink in and next time you're going to eat a steak, you'll thank me. I once knew a guy that used steak sauce all the time. I actually saw him last week behind the mini-mart. And wouldn't you know it, he put A.1. sauce on the Ham Sandwich I gave him. It was a damn shame.

     

What should I change my name to?

          In case you haven't heard, Ron Artest, of the Los Angeles Lakers is petitioning to legally change his name. He wouldn't be the first professional athlete to do this. Chad "Johnson" Ochocinco changed his name to match his number in Spanish a few years ago. Why? Who knows, the guy isn't even Spanish. But it was funny and he ended paying over a million bucks to buy up all the old "Johnson" jerseys before they would start making "Ochocinco" ones. So where will Artest go with his name change? Given his past history of weird shit, there isn't much that will surprise me.

          Wait, what? (thanks for everything Norm, sorry to hear about the cancellation) He's going to change his name to Metta World Peace?? Metta, for those wondering, is the philosophy and practice of universal love. It's okay, I had to read it a couple times to take it all in. That will make his first name Metta, his middle name World and his last name Peace. How do you feel about that?

          Is there anyone out there thinking he might have taken a page out of World B. Free's book? At least he only changed his first name. He was born Lloyd Bernard Free, so it was a simple change. His father could still be proud that he carried on the family name.

          I don't know how to feel about Ron's choice here. And yes I'll refer to him as Ron because I don't respect him enough to continually write his last name. Even though writing that last sentence and this one are much much longer than writing Artest. You get my point. I'm a little over this whole name change thing. I was over it as soon as Chad Johnson did it simply for publicity. I didn't think anyone else would try this stunt. What was I thinking?

          I am just old fashioned? I feel it's a man's duty to carry on the family name. It's important to me as a man. Maybe it's because I have such an awesome last name, but still. How would you feel as a father if your son just up and changed his name to get publicity? These aren't bench players that nobody knows about either. They are already in the spotlight and making headlines every other week. So why throw away your family name just to make more heads turn? It's ridiculous.

          Not only is he changing his name, but to Metta World Peace? Come on dude. That's one of the dumbest names I've ever heard. Where are his friends? Where is his agent? Where is his publicist? Out of all the name he could have picked, he goes with Metta World Peace. I don't mind the whole world peace thing, well yes I do, but I can kind of understand his motive. There has to be a better choice out there. Something a little more fitting. How about Ima Fuckin Moron? No? Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with world peace but it beats Metta.

          Luckily I have a soapbox I can hop up on and get this off my chest. I'm just sick of celebrities and pro athletes doing retarded shit just to make headlines. Especially the athletes. Just go out there and play the game. You're already getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a game you love. Don't ruin it by being a jack-ass! I heard this news while making a Ham Sandwich and forgot the mustard, so hopefully I can still get a decent Hand-job. Those bums behind the Stop-N-Shop are pretty picky when it comes to HJfHS.
      
       

You Can't Avoid Boyd

The Only Gambling Problem I Have is When the Blackjack Dealer Hits a Six-Card 21

Some may say I have a gambling problem. I don’t think that’s true, but I consider it one of my two vices (booze would be the first.) Sure, I might have known what a trifecta was before I knew girls didn’t have coodies, and I might have bet on the national anthem or a coin flip before, and I might have gone on multiple 24-hour gambling runs, but I consider gambling a hobby I control. I’ve had good days and I’ve had bad days. I have ten years experience in casinos all over North America (Thanks Mom for sneaking me into the Atlantic City Bally’s as an underage kid) and there are two things that really chap my ass about them.

First, gamblers like to smoke. I don’t know why it goes hand and hand, but it apparently does. While most social settings have banned smoking in our health conscious society, casinos are behind the times. Atlantic City tried to ban smoking from its casinos, but it only lasted for about 45 minutes after smokers caused an uproar. Some casinos have separate smoking gaming areas and non-smoking gaming areas. I am fine with that, except not all casinos do that. I do not know why I have to be subjected to cigarette smoke if I want to play blackjack. I don’t get why someone can blow smoke in my face at a gaming table, yet I can’t fart in their faces. If I did that, I would be removed from the casino due to my faux pas. Yet, some doucher can blow secondhand smoke at me and think nothing of it.

Second, not all casinos serve free alcoholic drinks or serve drinks all day. Seriously, what the fuck?!? These casinos are making billions, yet they can’t serve me a 7 & 7 on the house. In Atlantic City, Las Vegas, and New Orleans, the drinks are free 24/7. However, many states (Pennsylvania, Delaware, and West Virginia for example) have recently opened casinos as a way of generating income. Yet, some charge for their drinks and/or only serve them during certain hours. I am prepared to lose my paycheck at craps, but I draw the line at having to pay for a gin and tonic. You have to be 21 years old to be in a casino. It shouldn’t be a problem giving these legal age gamblers a free drink at 4 am as long as these people aren‘t too intoxicated.

Finally, the following people at the casino deserve the following type of STD:

People who play slots: As Kevin Spacey in “21” said, “Slots are for losers.” I don’t get how people voluntarily go to a casino to play the slot machines. How is pushing a button while seeing flashy lights repeatedly while winning nickels fun? The only people who should be allowed to play slots are significant others who are only at the casino to support their serious gambling partner. Basically, it should be like a day care center. Chlamydia.

Unfriendly dealers: Come on dealers. You get paid the same whether we win or lose. However, if you seem interested in our well-being, we will tip you when we do well. Don’t be afraid to offer us house advice when we have doubts. Herpes.

The person who only plays one hand of a game: Thanks for donating $10 to the casino to play one losing hand while fucking up the rhythm of the table just because you rock at free online blackjack and had a feeling you'd break the bank. Whatever Dan has.

People who don’t know the rules of blackjack: If you don’t know the rules of blackjack, become friends with the person who rocks at free online blackjack and have that person explain it to you. It’s not OK to hit when you have a 12 if the dealer is showing a 6. You should hit on 14 with the dealer showing a 9. Never spilt kings. One mistake can screw over everyone at the table for many rounds. AIDS

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

(Editor’s Note: Boyd wrote this post at 5am on Sunday after he donated some money to a Northeast PA casino as he was high off of the high oxygen the casinos pump and sober as shit.)

How Fat Can America Get?

          It's no secret that America has an obesity problem. You can see it every time you walk into Wal-Mart or McDonald's. There are people out there trying to battle the issue of obesity, especially childhood obesity. There are a number of fitness magazines and fitness blogs out there leading the charge for an active, healthy lifestyle. On the other hand, of course, are the people that would like to cash in on the overwhelming desire people have to eat anything and everything they can. However, the regular favorites just aren't cutting it anymore. Fat people are looking for the newest craze to sink their teeth into (pun intended). I wonder what they'll come up with next.
       
"Fried Kool-Aid a fair hit."

         Yes, deep fried Kool-Aid. Apparently it's a mixture of flour, water and Kool-Aid powder. It takes the shape of a doughnut hole and is deep fried. Oh YEA! Really?

          Is that where this obesity problem is headed? Deep frying Kool-Aid? The guy that created this culinary delight already had deep fried Klondike Bars and deep fried Pop Tarts. Since when are we deep frying Pop Tarts? The thought never crossed my mind to deep fry a Pop Tart. I know we have deep fried Oreos already but where does it end. What can't you deep fry? The answer appears to be nothing. I challenge you to find something that can't be deep fried. My first guess would have been a sugary drink. But as you can tell, I was wrong. A friend and I used to make fun of our own Marcus Boyd for wanting deep fried butter sandwiches. After reading about the Kool-Aid I'm pretty sure Marcus will be making his appetizer order very soon.
    
           What can we do to help? Unfortunately the answer is nothing. The deep frying trend will continue until everyone who eats deep fried food is dead. I'm not saying I don't eat food that was deep fried, but I stick to the originals. Chicken strips, mozzarella, jalapenos stuffed with cheese. When we start deep frying food (or drink powder) that has no business being deep fried, we're in big trouble. So be aware of what's happening out there. Our kids and their kids are headed down a very greasy and calorie packed road. If we don't do something about it, it will get out of control. Deep fried Kool-Aid is just the start. Next thing I know I'll have to deep fry my Ham Sandwiches to get a decent Hand-job. And that, my friends, is wrong!

         

What Makes a Man a Man

          It's Father's Day today and that got me thinking. What is it that makes a man a man? Not necessarily a father, but a man. We all know what makes a father a father. Providing for your child, being a part of their life, teaching them the important skills they need to survive and make something of themselves. You know, not being a deadbeat piece of shit who doesn't take responsibility. But, what I'm talking about is what makes a man a man.

          I was BBQing yesterday with a couple friends in my back yard. As the Rolling Rock flowed an amazing rush came over me. Grilling meat while drinking beer is one of those things you can do that makes you feel like a man. I'm talking about getting ground beef from the store, adding your favorite ingredients, pounding burgers into a nice round shape and throwing them on the grill. Yea, maybe the grill needs to be cleaned and there are still remnants from weeks past, but so what? It's my grill. While the burgers cook just the way you like them, you crack open a brew. Now if that doesn't make you feel like a man, I don't know what will.

         That really got me thinking again. What else can you do that will make you feel like a man? Most of the scenarios I thought about had beer in the equation. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I certainly feel part of being a man is drinking beer. Not that super low calorie shit either. I had a sample of MGD 64 today and was surprised I found anything that tastes worse than Coors Light. If you're going to drink that garbage, just get a wine cooler and a rainbow shirt because that beer is about as gay as four dudes blowing five dudes. Let's get back to man talk.

         What's another thing I can do to make me feel like a man, you ask? Chopping wood with an axe is a great way to make you feel manly. Take a nice big axe and a pile of un-chopped wood and just go to town for a while. Take your shirt off, spit in your hands, grunt and curse. I would suggest waiting till you were done to start drinking beer but it's absolutely part of the plan. The word lumberjack and man go hand in hand. So anything you can do to imitate a lumberjack is a good start. When you're all done I want you to sit there and look at the pieces of wood, the calluses on your hands and the used axe head and tell me you don't feel like a man.

          "There have be other things I can do, Pat. I don't like chopping wood." Well, pussy, you're in luck. There are a couple other things you can do if the thought of chopping wood doesn't give you one. Pull your car into the garage, pop the hood, take out your tool box and start turning some wrenches. Whether it's changing the oil, or replacing your brakes, even just checking the fluid levels is pretty manly. If you want to make it official you have to get dirty though. Put the car up on some jack stands and take the tire off. You don't have to do anything to it, but every man should know how to change a tire, so get some practice. I changed my brake pads a couple months ago and as I sat there afterwards with bottle of Lager I had that overwhelming feeling of "man" rush over me. So next time you feel like a little bitch, go out and put in some work on your car and you'll start to feel better.

           "I don't know anything about cars and I don't like chopping wood, what can I do?" Well it's pretty obvious that you are, in fact, a woman and don't need to feel like a man. So don't worry about it. However, I'll throw a couple more things at you just in case. Another part about being a man, as far as I'm concerned, is being chivalrous. Opening doors for women, pulling the car around when it's raining, carrying the heavy stuff and giving orgasms are some of the little things that a man should do. No questions asked. I don't want to hear anything from women about equality and how independent you are either. If I hold a door for you, or offer to carry something, I'm doing it because I'm a man and that's what I'm supposed to do. Not because I'm trying to keep you down or whatever so just say thank you and like it! Around the house handy work is pretty manly. Anything you can do yourself without having to pay someone else is, in most cases, is pretty manly. So I want you to go out there and see what makes you feel like a man. I'm sure I didn't mention everything.

           Even as I sit here and write this blog, with a beer open and hot sauce on my pizza, I feel like a man. And in an hour or so when I hop in my car with a Ham Sandwich and park behind the liquor store, I'm still going to feel like man. So, next time you're in the dumps about how big of a pussy you are, get an axe or a tool box and get your "man" on.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Boston: Not Just a Town for the Drunken Irish


Green Bay is known as Title Town USA for all the NFL championships it has won (13 overall). It appears that nickname might have to travel east as Boston has won every major sports championship over the last six years. While that might be wicked awesome for Sully and Murph and the rest of the southies, I am wicked depressed. As a true New York sports fan, I have embraced the Boston teams as a natural rival. While I realize how fortunate I am to have witnessed many championships among my favorite teams (unlike my DC friends), we live in a “What have you done for me lately” society and Boston is on top of the sports world right now.


The Celtics won the NBA title in 2008. I was happy for Boston as they mortgaged their future to build an immediate contender with several big trades (Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen) in the off-season. They were rewarded by beating the Lakers to win their 17th championship. I would be more upset if the Knicks had managed to be competitive over the last ten years. When the Knicks won their last playoff game, I had never gotten drunk before and the Twin Towers were still erect.


The Bruins won the Stanley Cup last night over the Vancouver Canucks. I was actually rooting for the Bruins as they had suffered many bad breaks early in the series: they lost Game 1 in the last 20 seconds of regulation as it appeared a Canuck bit a Boston player’s finger earlier in the game, they lost Game 2 11 seconds into overtime as the biter scored (he was not disciplined), and they lost one of their best players five minutes into Game 3 to a vicious cheap shot. After several Canucks were taunting the finger biting incident and Canucks goalie, Roberto Luongo, took a cheap shot at Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas in the media, I was hoping Boston would win. After the Bruins won Game 7, Vancouver fans did what they normally do, starting fires and rioting. It reminded me of 1994 when the Rangers beat the Canucks and Vancouver fans decided to mourn the series loss by burning shit and rioting.


The New England Patriots have been one of the more successful NFL teams in the 2000’s, winning three Super Bowls. They are currently experiencing the longest drought of Boston championships, winning their last title in 2004. The drought would have been shorter if a) the NFL hadn’t caught them for “Spygate” and b) they managed to beat the Giants in Super Bowl 42. A truly great moment in my life as many of my friends were New York Giants fans just for that day to cheer for the Patriots to lose their first game of the year. Afterwards, they congratulated me. The next day, they told me the Giants blow. Good times.


The Red Sox won two championships in the last decade, 2004 and 2007, their first since 1918. To talk about the 2004 playoffs is as painful as it would be for Marcellus Wallace to talk about what happened in the basement of the pawn shop. If you don’t know what happened, Google it. I have two quick notes about that series. One, after the Yankees destroyed the Red Sox in Game 3, I commented to Asian Sensation John Holody how the Red Sox showed no heart with their season on the line. In hindsight, I was dead wrong. Two, I saw Dave Roberts on a plane several years later. Most people would have said hello to him. I’m not most people. It took all the will I had not to confront him and tell him how he ruined baseball for me. Until 2004, the Yankees never lost to the Red Sox in the playoffs. Yogi Berra told a nervous Bernie Williams before the 1999 ALCS, "We have been playing these guys for 80 years and they never win". Well, they finally won.

I will be traveling to Boston in early August to catch a Yankees-Red Sox game. I knew I was going to the thunder dome beforehand. I was going to be among many of the enemy fans infiltrating Fenway Park that night. Now, I will have to deal with the championship aura these massholes will have after their recent run. God damn it.


          -Written by Marcus Boyd