Did you wake up this morning? Did you go online or turn on your TV? Then you saw some kind of story about the Royal Wedding. Yahoo.com is littered with stories about it from their first kiss, to some little frowning girl in a photo. I have one question for you about the Royal Wedding. WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?
Since when do we care so much about a couple of limey Brits? It's not just today either. There were stories leading up to the wedding and I'm sure there will be more for weeks to come. I just don't understand why we are giving it so much coverage. News stations sent reporters to the U.K. to cover it live for crying out loud. WHY? Who really cares who the next Queen of England is going to be? She doesn't do anything anyway. She just waves her old ass hand and walks around. So is anyone really interested who the next useless Queen is? Not me.
I'm sure it was an amazing ceremony. I'm sure everyone had a wonderful time. I'm just not sure it should have been given this much attention. And I realize that it's a Royal wedding and they are our allies and all that jazz. I just don't care that much about British people or weddings. Unless I'm in the wedding or it's someone I know. The Royal wedding might have been intriguing to you and that's your prerogative. You're probably the kind of person that asks to see the dessert menu, if you know what I mean.
This was a short one, because it's Friday and I'm hungover. I saw all the stories about wedding and felt compelled to share my opinion on the matter. Feel free to leave yours in a comment. A better news story would have been the homeless guy giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches after the ceremony!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
You Can't Avoid Boyd
Barack’s an American Citizen…Whoopee-dee-doo
The big news on Wednesday was how Barack Obama provided a copy of his birth certificate to put an end to the ongoing rumors of Obama not being a natural born citizen of the US . A recent poll found that 25% of Americans did not believe our President was born in the US (40% of Republicans believed that as well.) All I have to say is we need to calm the fuck down America .
First off for full disclosure, I am a registered Republican and do not believe Barack Obama has not done a great job as our leader. However, this post will have nothing to do with my opinion of this man. It has to do with how insane this debate has been.
This debate has been going on as soon as Obama won the Democratic Primary in 2008. While it has never been completely forgotten, it had cooled off until Donald Trump, potential GOP presidential candidate, brought it back into the limelight. Despite providing legally binding documentation in 2008 of his birth in Hawaii , followers of the "birther" movement still demanded his birth certificate. On Wednesday, it was provided and should have ended this controversy once and for all. WRONG!
Many of the FOX News all-stars are already claiming the birth certificate is a fake. They had experts on their programs last night talk about how the birth certificate was ripped out of a book and photo shopped to make it look authentic. Also, some people have flipped it on the “birthers”, claiming this is an issue of race, not residency. We went from having one disagreement to having two.
This shouldn’t even be an issue. Since I was a youngster learning about the government in grade school, you knew the president had to be born in America and at least 35 years old. I am hoping someone in the government checks on this before we elect a president. I always assumed our president met the necessary requirements of becoming president. I don’t even care if they use Wikipedia. Just research it somehow.
There will still be critics of this issue. The only way they will believe Barack Obama was born in Hawaii is if Rush Limbaugh tells them to. So, it’ll never happen. As for the race card, I don’t believe this applies. I believe this is an issue of Republicans vs. Democrats. If Obama was white and had the last name of Laperriere, I am sure we would be having the same debate as critics would believe Barack Laperriere is from Canada or France .
Speaking of the French, lets mention another douchefag: Donald Trump. First, he demanded Barack show us his papers. Then, he accused the media of blowing it out of proportion. Then, he claimed he should be congratulated for having Barack provide the certificate. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the man who ruined the USFL and hosts “Celebrity Apprentice”.
Now that Birthgate has been cleared, maybe Obama can focus his attention on some other areas, like deadly tornadoes, our rising gas prices, our economy, or the Libyan war just to name a few.
-Written By Marcus Boyd
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday's Words of Wisdom
Today's Words of Wisdom are about not being a lazy douche bag. In other words, Elevator Ediquette. I understand you might not be affected by people that don't follow these guidelines. However, I'm positive that you are affected by lazy douche bags, that if they had the chance would abuse the unwritten rules of the elevator.
Why Elevator Etiquette? Why not? The kind of violations that I'm about to speak of were brought to my attention by a frequent elevator user and loyal follower of my blog. You might be thinking, "well Pat just because they break a couple rules that doesn't make them lazy douche bags." Think again!
First things first, if you are only going to the 2nd or 3rd floor, take the stairs you lazy bastard! Let's just say you are walking up to a crowded elevator and ask them to hold the door for you. They do of course and you hop on. Now there is an elevator full of people that might be running a little late and counting on the efficiency of the elevator to get them to the 15 floor in a jiffy. The doors close, then everyone sees your sausage like finger reaching towards the '2' and they all think the same thing. "This lazy douchebag made us hold the elevator instead of walking up ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS!" Seriously, just walk up the steps for christ sake. If you get on the elevator and hit the 2 or 3 you're probably the kind of person that doesn't rinse and repeat in the shower, if you know what I mean.
The second guideline I'd like to discuss has a little bit to do with the first. You know how buildings work, and you know how to count. I'm assuming those two things and I hope I'm not wrong. Having said that, if you know you are going to be one of the first people off the elevator, don't rush in and stand in the back! Let everyone else get on so you can be right by the door when it opens up. If you've been in the elevator with someone that has done this I know it irritated you. If it didn't irritate you, you're probably one of those people that asks for extra ketchup at the drive-thru, if you know what I mean. So the elevator stops and you hear this, "Excuse me, excuse me this is my floor." Really? Did you really have to stand all the way in the back when you knew you were getting off so soon? Why didn't you stand toward the front so you don't have to nudge your way out and inconveniece everyone? And God help you if you are only going to the 2nd or 3rd floor and you stood in the back. That's the kind of lazy ignorance makes me want to punch babies with another baby's fist.
To sum it all up. Don't take the elevator if you're only going up one or two floors. You can use the exercise trust me. Also if you plan on getting off on one of the lower floors, don't stand in the back and be a douche bag about it. Let everyone else on first so you can be by the door. If you do either of the two things mentioned here you are probably one of those people that give Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. And you know what I mean!
Why Elevator Etiquette? Why not? The kind of violations that I'm about to speak of were brought to my attention by a frequent elevator user and loyal follower of my blog. You might be thinking, "well Pat just because they break a couple rules that doesn't make them lazy douche bags." Think again!
First things first, if you are only going to the 2nd or 3rd floor, take the stairs you lazy bastard! Let's just say you are walking up to a crowded elevator and ask them to hold the door for you. They do of course and you hop on. Now there is an elevator full of people that might be running a little late and counting on the efficiency of the elevator to get them to the 15 floor in a jiffy. The doors close, then everyone sees your sausage like finger reaching towards the '2' and they all think the same thing. "This lazy douchebag made us hold the elevator instead of walking up ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS!" Seriously, just walk up the steps for christ sake. If you get on the elevator and hit the 2 or 3 you're probably the kind of person that doesn't rinse and repeat in the shower, if you know what I mean.
The second guideline I'd like to discuss has a little bit to do with the first. You know how buildings work, and you know how to count. I'm assuming those two things and I hope I'm not wrong. Having said that, if you know you are going to be one of the first people off the elevator, don't rush in and stand in the back! Let everyone else get on so you can be right by the door when it opens up. If you've been in the elevator with someone that has done this I know it irritated you. If it didn't irritate you, you're probably one of those people that asks for extra ketchup at the drive-thru, if you know what I mean. So the elevator stops and you hear this, "Excuse me, excuse me this is my floor." Really? Did you really have to stand all the way in the back when you knew you were getting off so soon? Why didn't you stand toward the front so you don't have to nudge your way out and inconveniece everyone? And God help you if you are only going to the 2nd or 3rd floor and you stood in the back. That's the kind of lazy ignorance makes me want to punch babies with another baby's fist.
To sum it all up. Don't take the elevator if you're only going up one or two floors. You can use the exercise trust me. Also if you plan on getting off on one of the lower floors, don't stand in the back and be a douche bag about it. Let everyone else on first so you can be by the door. If you do either of the two things mentioned here you are probably one of those people that give Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. And you know what I mean!
Do as I say, not as I do
How many of you have ever heard the phrase, "Do as I say, not as I do"? Really? I thought more of you would have heard that before. Anyway, it's basically a teaching philosophy used by certain people that know what's best but don't necessarily do it themselves. For instance, let's say you know someone that teaches a safe sex class for teenagers but on the weekends they like to bare back hookers in a cheap motel. They use the philosophy do as I say, not as I do. It's sort of hypocritical. Well it's actually very hypocritical. However, it can be a very affective method of teaching. It works best on younger adults and teenagers. Let me give you a more personal example.
I am an uncle and a godfather to my wonderful niece Amber. She is currently preparing for her Confirmation next year. I have been asked to be her Mentor and Sponsor for this monumental event in her young Catholic life. Now I know what you're thinking. "Pat, do you think you are the best sponsor or mentor for a young teenager about to embark on this sacred journey?" The answer my friends, is yes! The reason I will be such a fantastic sponsor and mentor is because I understand the philosophy. Do as I say, not as I do. I have the unique ability to realize what's right and wrong for someone else and guide them down the path of enlightenment. I understand that if I wanted to go to confession beforehand I'd have to call ahead so Padre could clear his schedule. That's not important. Don't focus on the negative things I've done according to the Catholic church and 46 of the 48 continental United States. What we need to focus on here is that I'm an exceptional teacher and this philosophy will allow me to do the right thing.
Another reason I'm allowed to use this philosophy and use it so well is because I have the advantage of being older and wiser then my mentee. This only works if the experience and education level of the teacher is much, much higher. I can say with a fair amount of certainty whether something would be a good idea or not because I've been there. I've probably done it and dealt with the unfavorable consequences. I will always tell my nieces and nephews not to drink in excess even though I still do it myself. It's good advice and I'm in the position to express how bad it is. Do as I say, not as I do.
This incredible philosophy will work very well in my case as a Catholic Mentor. I may not follow the good book, or do the "Catholic" thing all the time, but I know what is expected of young adult getting ready for such an occasion. I've been there. I've seen many others go through it. With my vast knowledge of this milestone and what is or isn't frowned upon, I might be the best mentor. This does not work with everyone in every situation. Not too many people have the amazing ability to see someone else's rights and wrongs like I do. So if you are new to this philosophy, I warn you to tread softly. Check the temperature of the water before you jump in if you know what I mean. However, if you've been down the wrong path before and are either fighting your way back, or just going with the flow and hoping for another fork in the road, use this philosophy to your advantage. Experience is a powerful tool. Who would you listen to about the dangers of drugs and alcohol? A Mormon who has most likely never experienced either? Or a recovering addict who has been in the back alley in the past giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches? I'd be listening to the addict. That guy knows the ins and outs and the real life consequences. Do as I say, not as I do.
I am an uncle and a godfather to my wonderful niece Amber. She is currently preparing for her Confirmation next year. I have been asked to be her Mentor and Sponsor for this monumental event in her young Catholic life. Now I know what you're thinking. "Pat, do you think you are the best sponsor or mentor for a young teenager about to embark on this sacred journey?" The answer my friends, is yes! The reason I will be such a fantastic sponsor and mentor is because I understand the philosophy. Do as I say, not as I do. I have the unique ability to realize what's right and wrong for someone else and guide them down the path of enlightenment. I understand that if I wanted to go to confession beforehand I'd have to call ahead so Padre could clear his schedule. That's not important. Don't focus on the negative things I've done according to the Catholic church and 46 of the 48 continental United States. What we need to focus on here is that I'm an exceptional teacher and this philosophy will allow me to do the right thing.
Another reason I'm allowed to use this philosophy and use it so well is because I have the advantage of being older and wiser then my mentee. This only works if the experience and education level of the teacher is much, much higher. I can say with a fair amount of certainty whether something would be a good idea or not because I've been there. I've probably done it and dealt with the unfavorable consequences. I will always tell my nieces and nephews not to drink in excess even though I still do it myself. It's good advice and I'm in the position to express how bad it is. Do as I say, not as I do.
This incredible philosophy will work very well in my case as a Catholic Mentor. I may not follow the good book, or do the "Catholic" thing all the time, but I know what is expected of young adult getting ready for such an occasion. I've been there. I've seen many others go through it. With my vast knowledge of this milestone and what is or isn't frowned upon, I might be the best mentor. This does not work with everyone in every situation. Not too many people have the amazing ability to see someone else's rights and wrongs like I do. So if you are new to this philosophy, I warn you to tread softly. Check the temperature of the water before you jump in if you know what I mean. However, if you've been down the wrong path before and are either fighting your way back, or just going with the flow and hoping for another fork in the road, use this philosophy to your advantage. Experience is a powerful tool. Who would you listen to about the dangers of drugs and alcohol? A Mormon who has most likely never experienced either? Or a recovering addict who has been in the back alley in the past giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches? I'd be listening to the addict. That guy knows the ins and outs and the real life consequences. Do as I say, not as I do.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
You Can't Avoid Boyd
Despite All My Rage, Fuck Nicolas Cage
Over the weekend, Nicolas Cage was arrested for domestic abuse, disturbing the peace, and public drunkenness while filming his newest movie in New Orleans . This incident brings into question a disturbing trend in today’s America : How the hell does Nicolas Cage keep getting $20+ million to star in films?!?!
I am not a film critic. I also have not seen all of Cage’s films. However, I have seen enough to know this guy is a no-talent ass clown. I have no issue with an actor making more than $20 million per film. However, I have a problem when the actor isn’t any good.
Nic Cage won an Oscar for his role in “Leaving Las Vegas” as a suicidal alcoholic who has a complex relationship with a prostitute. It must have been a real stretch for him to play a degenerate whore-loving boozer (Based on this weekend, I assume he knows how to enjoy a cocktail. As for the whores, he seems like the kind of guy with extra ham sandwiches in his pocket. Also, I believe anyone that has ever played Xbox in Shawn’s basement could have replaced Cage and won the award as well.) I realize this award allows him to command a higher salary. Let’s examine some of his other noteworthy movies:
The Rock: I’ve seen this movie approximately 6,000 times (5,996 of them due to this being Pat’s go-to DirectTV movie in the past year.) The movie is saved by Sean Connery, Ed Harris, and the rest of the cast. Cage as a doctor wasn’t believable in the first place. Cage as a doctor who kicks the asses of hardcore renegade Marines is an acting abortion. I’m willing to give him a mulligan since this is his first film after “Leaving Las Vegas”.
Con Air: This might be the greatest “bad” movie of our generation. However, Cage ruins this movie for me. His portrayal as Cameron Poe is lacking to say the least. His Southern accent was as if he decided to make one up five minutes before filming. I still maintain if Keanu Reeves would have starred in this movie, he’d be known as “Academy Award winning actor Keanu Reeves.” I’m noticing a trend.
Face-Off: As a guy who loves unrealistic movies, even I couldn’t get past the fact Cage and John Travolta switching faces/voices despite the noticeable height and weight differences between the two. I don’t think Pacino and DeNiro could have saved this piece of crap much less Cage and Vincent Vega.
After these movies, Cage became an actor demanding eight figures and routinely getting paid. Some of movies did well, most did not. However, the fact remains Nicolas Cage is an overpriced, overrated actor. We need to stop him America . He’ll keep buying castles and vintage comic books and evading the IRS if Hollywood keeps cutting the check. Hollywood won’t stop paying this man unless we stop shelling out $12 a ticket to see him in movie theaters. It’s up to you people. I am begging you.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday's Words of Wisdom
Well it's Wednesday and that can only mean another installment of Wednesday's Words of Wisdom. I know you're excited to learn what you can be doing better as a contributing member of society. Well today it's not going to be a long one, but this one is basic and important. Some of you might have some kind of objection for religious reasons, or some other kind of bullshit, but relax and just hear me out.
When someone around you sneezes, say "God bless you" or "bless you" or even the playful "Gesundheit" for crying out loud. It's not about believing in the superstition that your heart stops, or your soul is thrust from your body, or any other possible explanation for why we say it. It's about acknowledging that it happened. It's about being a courteous human being and saying, "hey, I noticed you just sneezed. God bless you." It's the same as when you pass someone in a hallway, or an aisle somewhere, and give a nice friendly greeting. What does that pompous asshole do? Just keeps walking like you don't exist and didn't say hello. What the hell is wrong with people today?
If I hear someone sneeze, even from a room away, I will say bless you loud enough for them to hear. It's comforting for them to know that someone recognized they exist and just sneezed. If someone in your office or workplace yelled out "Hey does anyone realize I'm alive?" Wouldn't you at least acknowledge them? Even if you just yelled back, "Hey douche bag, get a life!" At least they would know someone heard them. A sneeze is the same thing.
I sneeze at work sometimes and nobody says a word. So I sit there and think; there is no way they didn't hear that, why didn't anyone say God bless you? Who the fuck do they think they are to just sit there and ignore me like the bum at 7-11 giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches? I bet he at least gets a follow up, "what kind of spread you got on that bread?" Maybe you think I'm the crazy one that just needs to be validated or something. Well all I know is, I feel a lot better when someone says bless you after I sneeze. And like the kid in class that isn't afraid to ask the question everyone else is thinking, I'm putting it out there. If everyone would acknowledge a sneeze with some kind of response, the world would be a happier place. You know it, and I know it.
When someone around you sneezes, say "God bless you" or "bless you" or even the playful "Gesundheit" for crying out loud. It's not about believing in the superstition that your heart stops, or your soul is thrust from your body, or any other possible explanation for why we say it. It's about acknowledging that it happened. It's about being a courteous human being and saying, "hey, I noticed you just sneezed. God bless you." It's the same as when you pass someone in a hallway, or an aisle somewhere, and give a nice friendly greeting. What does that pompous asshole do? Just keeps walking like you don't exist and didn't say hello. What the hell is wrong with people today?
If I hear someone sneeze, even from a room away, I will say bless you loud enough for them to hear. It's comforting for them to know that someone recognized they exist and just sneezed. If someone in your office or workplace yelled out "Hey does anyone realize I'm alive?" Wouldn't you at least acknowledge them? Even if you just yelled back, "Hey douche bag, get a life!" At least they would know someone heard them. A sneeze is the same thing.
I sneeze at work sometimes and nobody says a word. So I sit there and think; there is no way they didn't hear that, why didn't anyone say God bless you? Who the fuck do they think they are to just sit there and ignore me like the bum at 7-11 giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches? I bet he at least gets a follow up, "what kind of spread you got on that bread?" Maybe you think I'm the crazy one that just needs to be validated or something. Well all I know is, I feel a lot better when someone says bless you after I sneeze. And like the kid in class that isn't afraid to ask the question everyone else is thinking, I'm putting it out there. If everyone would acknowledge a sneeze with some kind of response, the world would be a happier place. You know it, and I know it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Gun Control vs Parent Control
HOUSTON — Houston school district officials say a kindergartner who brought a loaded gun to a school, injuring himself and two others when it fired after falling from his pocket, could face disciplinary action including being sent to an alternative school for up to 180 days.
District spokesman Norm Uhl says no punishment has been decided.
Houston Independent School District Assistant Police Chief Robert Mock says one bullet was fired about 11 a.m. Tuesday in the Ross Elementary School cafeteria, spraying the fragments at the students.
Houston police spokesman Victor Senties says it is too early in the investigation to tell if any charges will be filed. Police aren't discussing their probe.
District spokesman Jason Spencer says the three children suffered foot injuries
We need Parent Control. You should have to take a series of tests before you can reproduce. If you fail, you are sterilized. Yea, it seems extreme. You know what else would be extreme? If the responsible Americans carrying firearms had to give them up. You know why that would be a terrible idea? If having a gun breaks the law; ethical, well behaved people won't have the ability to protect themselves. Criminals are going to break the law, that's why they are called criminals. So they will always have guns. The only thing a more strict Gun Control law would do is take the ability to protect yourself away from honest, responsible, red-blooded Americans.
Its stories like the one above that gets the argument started and the wrong points of this article are focused on. Why was this kid able to get his hands on a gun? Why was the gun loaded when he found it? I doubt a little boy in kindergarten is going to be able to load up a firearm. Why wasn't the gun in a safe? Where were his parents when he was getting ready for school? How do you not notice your son is carrying a loaded gun in his pants!? Those questions won't be answered, or even asked. The focus will be that he had a gun and could have killed someone. A stricter gun control law would have prevented this. WRONG! I'm going to guess that the level of irresponsibility associated with this kid's parents is off the charts. This child was going to bring something into school that could kill someone no matter what gun laws were being enforced.
It's the parents that need to be controlled. There are countless things that happen in this country that could have been prevented if the parents of the offenders did their job. Rap music and violent video games are being blamed for what some of these kids do these days. Really? How about bad parenting? Why is that no one wants to look at the real problem here?
How do we fix the problem Pat? I'll give you my solutions. Be prepared, they won't be covered in sugar. First, mandatory gun safety classes for every American! Yes, I said EVERY American. Second, mandatory parenting classes for EVERY PARENT! And I know what you're thinking. How are you going to get every parent to take a class? You file your taxes every year? Well you have to have to take this class every year too! I'm not naive either, so I understand that we will never get every single parent to take this class, and that there will be loopholes that will be taken advantage of. However, it will significantly increase the amount of better parents and safer kids. That's just the facts!
So how about we stop blaming guns for stupid behavior and step up and take some responsibility! If you don't think that's a good idea, you are entitled to your opinion no matter how wrong it is. I'll be sure to look for you in the back alley somewhere stuffing your face with Ham Sandwiches!
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