You Can't Avoid Boyd - The All-Cunts Edition

The All-Cunts Edition

I wanted to write about the Pittsburgh Pirates today, but didn’t for two reasons. 1) Everyone and their moms is writing about them and their unexpected first half, where they are leading their division at the All-Star break for the first time since 1997. I didn’t want to hop on the bandwagon. 2) I see this as a mirage. They may end their 19-year streak of losing records, but I don’t see them making the playoffs. This looks like "Mikey I" in AC all over again. Instead of making the playoffs or getting with the girl, they won’t make the postseason/cockblocked by her imaginary parents. Warning: This post will be raunchy. I’m talking Andrew Dice Clay nursery rhymes raunchy. If you don’t want to go to Raunchyville this week, come back next week when I return to Silly Town.

Instead, I am going to focus on your main complaint about me, not enough use of the word “cunt”. At least two readers want me to drop the c-word more. You have a fever, HJFHS faithful, and the only prescription is more cunt. Allow me to vent about the following cunts and how they grind my gears.

To everyone trying to prevent me from attending/watching the Notre Dame vs. Navy game in Ireland on September 1^st. I could blame all the international airlines for making their ticket prices so high, but I will not. It’s capitalism at its finest. I can blame the friend who had his bachelor party in Ireland this past spring, rendering a second trip to the Emerald Isle impossible. Who has a bachelor party overseas?!? Do what everyone else does and go to Vegas. Gamble, booze, and kill some hookers with your best buds in America, like everyone else. Adding to this shitstorm is another friend who is moving up her wedding six weeks because she couldn’t keep the dick out of her and got knocked up. I am now subjected to a Labor Day shotgun wedding. It might be pretty selfish of me calling these people cunts as they enter into marriage, but as a Notre Dame fan, the first game of the season will be the best I feel all season. It’s the only time where they have a legitimate chance for the championship.

To all of the Kansas City Royals fans who booed Robinson Cano at the Home Run Derby. Shut the fuck up, you whiny cunts. Boohoo, Cano didn’t pick your hometown boy, Billy Butler, to participate. Who should he have left off the roster? The other three of his selections all advanced into the second round and Cano had to participate as the captain. His most controversial selection, Prince Fielder, ended up winning the whole thing. It was real classy to heckle Cano’s mother at the event. Real classy. Also, Billy Butler sucks. Every year, we are awaiting his ascent into greatness and every year, we are disappointed when he stalls. He is a worthy All-Star under the current format, but he shouldn’t have been swinging a bat on Monday night. Why didn’t you boo KC management when former Royal Melky Cabrera took home the All-Star MVP on Tuesday? That’s right, because you support a team who blows dogs for quarters and a general manager who would rather have Jonathan Sanchez and his 6.75 ERA than Cabrera. Keep cheering cunts.

To the customer who wasted my entire day on Tuesday. I won’t waste your time with elaborate details, because I know none of you give a shit about the pipe business. Long story short, a random customer from Texas, who was doing a project in Washington DC for some reason, was using my company in order to get better pricing and availability from his main supplier, a competitor of ours. When the competition couldn’t improve their quote, he begrudgingly went with us. He claimed he needed the $10,000 worth of material the next day, no matter what the cost. He also claimed his account in Texas could handle it as he was a top customer. He was wrong in both instances. His account was shit and he freaked out about the freight bill to expedite material (Shipping 300 pounds of material over 1,000 miles in less than 24 hours in not a cheap expense.) I spent eight hours of my work day on essentially nothing. On the bright side, I did get to talk to a lot of people with funny Texas accents. On the bad side, this customer was a huge cunt.

To the guy at the gym using three leg machines Tuesday night. After dealing with the Texas cunts, I just wanted to go hard on my legs at the gym. I use the gym as a stress release because I am a meathead and don’t feel like developing a White Powersesque drinking problem. Instead, this dude and his mom (if it was his girlfriend or wife, I weep for him) hogged three of the leg machines. If you want to hog three machines and do circuit training, go to the gym at 9 am when it is full of geriatrics, moms, and the unemployed. Don’t go at peak times, like 5 pm when everyone is leaving work. Since all the other leg equipment was being utilized, I was getting mad. He did allow me to work in, which was nice. The redemption was short when he stepped on my workout towel, out of pure cunty spite. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks cunts.

To Tony La Russa. In the off-season, R.A. Dickey wrote a book about his life and his battles with sexual abuse as a child and suicidal thoughts. He is a 37-year old journeyman who became a knuckleballer to prolong his career. His story alone makes him the fans’ choice to start the All-Star Game. And oh yea, he has been the best pitcher in baseball all season. On merit, he deserves the start as well. Instead, La Russa and his alcoholic tendencies decides to start Matt Cain because he doesn’t want to subject starting catcher Buster Posey to the knuckleball. Matt Cain was worthy, but he is also regarded as one of the best pitchers in the game at age 27. He will have plenty of opportunities in his career to start the All-Star Game. R.A. Dickey may never get that shot, based on the unpredictable nature of the knuckleball. In hindsight, it’s all moot as the National League still won the game. In Boydsight, La Russa is a La Cunt.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Politics - What Is It Good For?

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

            Ain't that the truth! You might remember that line from the movie Men in Black. Tommy Lee Jones couldn't have said it better. A person is smart, can make rational decisions, evaluates a situation and is generally responsible. People are very dumb; they overreact, don't evaluate situations, and allow themselves to have the wool pulled over their eyes with ease. I don't want make this a political blog but this is getting out of control. Don't worry, I'm not going to break down the health care bill or the ruling that was made. I'll leave that for another time after the election when it actually matters. I want to discuss the current attack ads and the general mood of the (dumb, panicky, dangerous animals) people.

           The most recent political news covered President Barack Obama doing the working-class thing. He was at a bar, his shirt was unbuttoned, he was drinking a Miller Lite and acting like a regular Joe. It went on to say how "in touch" President Obama was with the working-class. He understands what we are going through because he can unbutton his shirt and drink a beer. What? Let's not forget how much money this guy has. Let's not forget he's the President of the United States of America. He is not "in-touch" with the working class. He knows as much about what the working-class is going through as I do about quantum physics. By the way, I know exactly nothing about quantum physics. What I'm saying is, all this bullshit that the President is doing is political. His advisers tell him what to say and what will work. He's just trying to win an election. I'm not mad at him for it. I'm mad at the American people who are buying into all of it. You have to be kidding me if you think he's more "in-touch" with the working class because he can unbutton his shirt and drink a beer. Don't be an idiot!

         The second part of that news coverage pointed out that Mitt Romney was vacationing in the Hamptons and throwing a fund-raiser. He is so out of touch with the working-class because he sails on his yacht and raises millions of dollars for his campaign. What an asshole. What? I'm going to be honest when I say that I don't know that much about the guy. All I know is that he is very successful in all his business ventures and made millions of dollars. I would also say that he is just as "in-touch" with the working-class as President Obama. They are both rich politicians. Don't make the mistake of believing the hype. Neither one of these guys has any idea what we are going through right now. They aren't looking for jobs, struggling to pay bills, stressing over debt or paying for sex. They have no idea what we're going through, so again, don't believe the hype.

         I have a question for you. If you had a business and wanted someone to run it; who would you pick? The guy that unbuttons his shirt and drinks beer, or the guy that makes millions of dollars because he's business savvy? I know, it's a no-brainer. The point I'm making is this. Why does it matter if the President of the United States is "in-touch" with the working-class? It's not his job to know how we feel. He is the CEO of a giant company called the United States of America. All he needs to know is how to keep the employees happy, working, and prosperous. He has to know how to make money for the company and how to compete in the global economy. The CEO doesn't have to know how his employees spend their weekends. He has to keep money in their pockets and love in their hearts. Cute right? Thanks. Anyway, the company mood needs to be a happy one. From the top down, everyone needs to play by the rules and support each other. Wouldn't that be great?

         Unfortunately we don't live in a Utopia. We live in a greedy, dirty, corrupted society. You can't trust a word politicians say because most of them are lying, and they are the ones that represent us. We have Democrats and Republicans who are in a pissing contest that will never end. They have lost sight of what this Country is about and are so consumed with self interest they can't get anything done. If the Democrats come up with a good idea that would be a positive step for the country, the Republicans will shoot it down because it wasn't their idea. And vice-versa.

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          On a side note, this whole Democrat and Republican thing really bothers me. Why can't you be both? Why can't you just be an American who has his (or her) own opinions? Because you are a Democrat, you HAVE to be Pro-choice? If you are a Republican, you HAVE to be against gay marriage? I'm an American. I support gay rights because everyone should have the opportunity to be happy. I also support defense spending and the right to bear arms. So what am I? I'm an American. Don't be so strictly aligned with a certain party. Make your own decisions. That is all.

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          It makes me sick how Congress operates. Congressmen and women are about as useful as tits on a bull. I took that line from a movie but I can't remember which one. Anyway, it's horseshit how inefficient our Government is. My only hope is that we can get someone in the White House that can actually accomplish something. I'll hope in one hand and give myself a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich with the other. I have a good feeling which one will fill up first.

     

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Boring Ass Baseball

Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Boring Ass Baseball

On Tuesday, Major League Baseball will be hosting its 83^rd All-Star Game in Kansas City. This Midsummer Classic is a welcomed break from the regular season as it allows players and fantasy owners a few days to relax from the 162-game season. Fans love all the hoopla, including the ever popular Home Run Derby held Monday. It allows general managers to review their teams and evaluate them going into the unofficial second half of the season. It even allows ESPN to host something called “The ESPYS” the day after the game. The game is also a huge crock of shit.

My biggest pet peeve of the MLB All-Star game is the winning team determines home field advantage for the World Series. An exhibition game in July featuring many players who won’t be playing in October will play an integral part for the championship. This made no sense in 2003 when this rule was created and it doesn’t make sense now. The rule came as a result of the 2002 All-Star Game, which resulted in a tie. Both managers ran out of players after 11 innings and asked Commissioner Bud Selig, who was in attendance, how to proceed. Selig agreed with both managers that playing further would be an enormous injury risk and declared the game a tie. All the fans at Miller Park in Milwaukee booed the decision and ruined Bud Selig’s homecoming. Selig was the former owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and this was supposed to a defining highlight of his tenure, bringing this game back to his city. Instead, the media ripped him a new one and he looked like a douche. Rather than accept the 2002 game as an aberration and leave it as is, Selig tweaked some rules about expanded rosters, re-entry into the game, and the home field rule.

The funny thing about all the rule changes is it does nothing to ensure there won’t be another tie in the All-Star Game. It has some measures in place to go beyond 11 innings, but not too much longer. Selig basically took this 1987 Toyota Tercel of a game and gave it a new paint job. It might look nicer, but it is still the same shitty car. If Selig wanted to implement the “This One Counts” message with more validity, he’d address my second beef with the All-Star Game.

Since 1970, the starters for both teams have been chosen by the fans. This was baseball’s way of thanking their fans for their loyalty and their ability to put up with $5 hot dogs and $9 beers. Unfortunately, the fans are fucking idiots. The fans vote for players like they would their 6^th grade president; they vote for their friend. This year is a prime example. The San Francisco Giants encouraged their fans to vote for only Giants in the final week of voting and those homos listened. They got three players into the starting lineup (Buster Posey, Pablo Sandoval, and Melky Cabrera) that had no busy starting. At least Posey and Cabrera had the numbers to make the All-Star team. Sandoval shouldn’t be invited to any all-star event this year unless it featured competitive eating. If you don’t believe Giants fans stuffed the ballots, Freddy Sanchez finished fourth among second basemen. Sanchez has played in as many games as you have this year. The fans were able to vote for the starters prior to 1970, but the commissioner at the time stripped the fans that right after they abused it and stuffed the ballots with undeserving players. Maybe it is time for Selig to sack up and do the same.

The rest of the team is selected by players’ vote and the choice of the All-Star Game’s manager (always the previous World Series’ managers). The manager’s role is critical as he needs to adhere to another rule: each team needs a representative. This creates some notable omissions each year as deserving players are left off the roster because a San Diego Padre needs to make the team. Discussing the snubs is part of the yearly tradition with this game. This year had an interesting wrinkle. Dusty Baker of the Cincinnati Reds indicated that National League manager, the alcoholic Tony La Russa, snubbed some Reds players due to a grudge from a 2010 brawl. During the brawl, Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto went all Cobra Kai on La Russa’s Cardinals and kicked catcher Jason LaRue in the head, giving him a career-ending concussion. Cueto was among the snubs. La Russa offered a half-assed explanation on why Cueto didn’t make the team, but most agreed the snub wasn’t as bad as Baker made it out to be.

Bud Selig is trying to have his cake and eat it too. On one end, the team is comprised of players as voted by biased fans and coaches. The players are not exactly giving 100% effort in this glorified exhibition game (it’s still better than that game of grab ass they call the NFL Pro Bowl). Yet, the game does matter for the few teams fighting for a ring. The way I see it, you can have it one way or the other, not both. This isn’t Burger King. Either keep the rules as is and have the result mean nothing except pride. Or, make the game for home field advantage but let the manager pick his team. Get rid of fan voting and the rule where each team needs a rep. Let the manager field the most competitive team to try and win it for his league. We should not be subjected to the Jose Altuves of the world. Addressing this would eliminate most of the flaws associated with this game. Unfortunately, we’d still have to listen to Tim McCarver call it.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Tails Sometimes Fails

Tails Sometimes Fails

On Saturday, the women’s 100 meter U.S. Olympic time trials were held. The race was supposed to be simple; the top three finishers in the race would represent the United States in the event for the 2012 Summer Games. Naturally, the outcome resulted in a clusterfuck. Two runners, Allyson Felix and Jemeba Tarmoh, finished in a dead heat for third place (At first, it was determined Tarmoh bested Felix by 0.001 seconds, but CSI: Miami concluded after video replay that they finished at exactly the same time). USA Track & Field (USATF) officials referenced their rule book to see what is to be done in a situation like this and discovered the rulebook never accounted for a situation like this. After spending the rest of the day throwing shit against the wall, the USATF determined the tie-breaker would either be a coin toss or a runoff, based on what was agreed upon from both runners. The winner would grab the final spot, while the loser would be an alternate.

To reiterate, there is a possibility that the dreams of Allyson Felix and Jemeba Tarmoh winning their first individual Olympic gold for will be determined by a coin toss. It probably won’t come to that, but that idea is insane. Track and field athletes train their whole life for the Olympics, and you’d possibly want to crush their dreams based on how a quarter lands. A lifetime of hard work and dedication for one flip of the coin doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. One can argue that both runners will have other opportunities to win a medal, whether in other 2012 events or future Games, but we are talking about a sport where a tenth of a second can be the difference between a world record and fourth place. You can’t waste any one opportunity. It may never come again.

This isn’t the first controversy involving a coin flip in sports and it won’t be last. On Thanksgiving 2008, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Detroit Lions were tied and headed into overtime. As the road team, the Steelers got to make the call for the OT coin flip. All of America heard Steelers RB Jerome Bettis call tails as the coin was flipped. When it landed on tails, referee Phil Luckett awarded the coin toss to the Lions and all hell broke loose. The Steelers argued unsuccessfully and lost on the first possession of overtime. Luckett said he heard Bettis call heads first, then immediately call tails. Per league rules, the first call is final. When the replays were enhanced afterwards, it confirmed Luckett’s assessment. Per this outcome, the NFL immediately created a rule where the coin toss was to be called and confirmed prior to the actual flip. This NFL did a good job correcting an issue where errors were possible.

When most people recall the 2009 NFC championship game between the New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings today, they associate that game with Bountygate and the beating Brett Farve took. What people forget is how it inspired a rule change. Since football fans were deprived of seeing Brett Farve take the field in OT (little did we know he’d unretire for another season and be accused of sending dick shots to sideline reporters), the NFL changed playoff OT rules the following season. Instead of the previous first-score-wins format, they added a caveat. If a team kicks a field goal in the first possession of OT, the other team gets a possession. They determined that sudden death format didn’t mesh well with the newer game (more accurate field goal kicking, improved kickoff returns, better passing leading to more spot-of-the-foul pass interference calls). The NFL decided to adopt these OT rules for all NFL games earlier this spring.

I think the NFL screwed the pooch on this one. The biggest argument was it wasn’t fair for a team to be beaten by a field goal when their offense never stepped on the field. Hahahahahahah, bullshit. You don’t want to lose the game on a field goal in the first few minutes of overtime? Tell your defense to step the fuck up and keep them off the board. The NFL rejected college’s version of overtime where both teams get an equal amount of possessions from their opponent’s 25-yard line until the tie is broken. The NFL felt it negated special teams and defense too much and had the potential to turn final scores into something out of a video game. The college version seems a lot fairer to me.

We have yet to see this rule in play as we only had two playoff games go into overtime since the rule was created. In the first game, Tim Jesus threw a touchdown on the first play of the game. In the second game, both the Giants and the 49ers had several possessions before the Giants won on a field goal. Was it fair the Steelers lost in Denver because Tim Tebow’s pass beat Pittsburgh’s shorthanded secondary, who was without their starting strong safety (who didn’t make the trip due to a sickle cell trait that can life-threatening in high altitudes)? Uh-uh. Was it fair that the Giants won the game based on the turnover of a backup returner in bad weather conditions? No, but nobody cares. Life is pretty hard. Shouldn’t our football/gum be harder? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn8irnsmu9w)

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Germans Are At It Again - Sorry Jews

               Germany really hates the Jews. Okay, let me explain. A German court recently ruled that religious circumcision of young boys was an assault. Yes, an assault. Making it illegal. A regional court in western Germany stated, "the fundamental rights of the child to bodily integrity outweighed the fundamental rights of the parents." It went on to say that circumcision leads to grievous bodily harm. The court continued to give it to the Hebrews declaring that the parents' religious beliefs and right to educate their children would not be compromised if they were forced to wait until the child was old enough to decide for himself on the procedure. Oh, I should state that this only applies to circumcisions for religious reasons. The court specified the circumcision is not illegal if performed for medical purposes. So if you read between the lines like I do, you'll come to the same conclusion. Germany really hates the Jews.

               Let's just pretend the Holocaust didn't happen. This would still be a pretty anti-Semitic move by the Germans. If the court would have ruled it was illegal no matter what, that'd be one thing. But to outlaw the procedure only if it's done for religious reasons is downright mean. I'm not a Jew sympathiser or anything; but I don't have anything against them or their religious beliefs. I don't have anything against anyone for that matter. Except illegal immigrants, but that's a blog for another time. Back to the story.

               I was circumcised and I'm damn glad I wasn't old enough to remember. Allow me to run through a scenario of a young Jewish child who didn't have this done as an infant. I don't know what it's like growing up in a Jewish family so I won't speculate how bad it sucks not celebrating Christmas. I'll just focus on the story at hand. Or should I say, in hand. BOOM! Anyway, imagine growing up and realizing that you have a penis. You think it looks kind of weird but you don't know any better. You finally reach the age where you discover porn; I'll say it's 11. It was for me anyway. So you browse the magical land of nudity and start to realize that your junk is a little different than others. There are a few that look the same, but it's just creepy. As a young Jewish boy, you do your due diligence and investigate the issue. You find that women prefer a circumcised penis and research suggests it's healthier for a man when it comes to STDs. (I'm assuming the little haggler is good with the internet.) You're not entirely sure what STDs are but now you're curious. You ask your father what the deal is and the conversation starts.

              He tells you all about the religious background of the "snip" and why you didn't get it done as a child in the Jew hating country of Germany. Now the decision is yours. Wait, what? "I caught my dick in my zipper and cried for three hours, now you want me to willingly cut the tip off?" Let the rebellion begin. As weird as it looks, and yes I've seen an uncircumcised penis before, I don't know if I'd be able to go to the doctor to have it cut off. Not as an adolescent who is very fond of the ole' hammer right about now. It wouldn't get any easier as I got older either. The best time to have this procedure done is clearly when you are an infant and will never remember. Plus, you're crying about everything, you probably don't even feel it.

              It's not assault. If you are allowing it for medical purposes, it can't be assault. You are only outlawing it for religious reasons because you hate the Jews. Am I right Germany? Yes, of course I am. Let me revisit the big issues here while I conclude.

             Germany has lost its mind. You can't say something is assault if it's done for one reason and not assault if it's done for another reason. That's crazy. Circumcision needs to be done as an infant. I think it should be done to everyone because it's healthier. I know this is still up for debate but all the research I've read points to "healthier." So if you think it's not, you are certainly entitled to your own opinion. It's wrong, but you're entitled to it. To make my stand against Germany and their Jew hating ways; I'll travel to Cafe Berlin in Capitol Hill. I'll take out "the Captain" and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of the native cooks in the kitchen. Yes, I call him "the Captain." If you ever had the pleasure of dealing with him, you'd understand.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Lebron Redemption

The LeBron Redemption

Later on tonight, we might see a new NBA champion crowned. The Miami Heat are one game away from besting the Oklahoma City Thunder. Even if they don’t win tonight, they should win in the next few days. According to Stuart Scott and his lazy eye, no NBA team has ever blown a 3-1 series lead in Finals history. In fact, none of the 30 teams who trailed 3-1 had even forced a Game 7. History is on Miami’s side. We are also hours/days away from LeBron James holding the Larry O’Brien trophy while thinking “Everyone can get off my balls now.”

No one can argue Lebron’s basketball skills. You can nitpick about certain parts of his game if you’d like, but no one can fully deny his game. As a high school player, he was perhaps the most hyped teenager of all-time not named Bieber. Yet, everyone knew the hype was warranted. James has not disappointed in his NBA career. He was selected by his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers and led the team to prominence. Once his rookie contract ran out, everyone knew LeBron would be the most sought after free agent in the history of professional sports. What people did not know was his signing would lead the general public to turn on King James.

On July 8^th, 2010, ESPN aired “The Decision”, an hour-long special where James would announce which team he signed with. This 60 minute circle jerk could be best summed up by these nine words, “I'm going to take my talents to South Beach”. Many people thought this was a very pompous move by James, especially when it came out that the Cavs learned of his departure from the ESPN show. Sure, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert didn’t do himself any favors by going on an insane rant afterwards shitting on LeBron, but the tide was beginning to turn on James’ popularity. Many among the sports media thought he pussed out for joining a team with Dwyane Wade and the newly-signed Chris Bosh, rather than go to a team as the alpha dog. They argued Michael Jordan or Larry Bird would have never done a move like that.

Shortly after his signing was announced, James, Wade, and Bosh appeared at their new home arena and had a little pep rally. Pep rallys are fun when you are in high school. When you’re dealing with athletes in their late-20s, pep rally are gayer than fuck. Among this scene of douchebaggery, James proclaimed he wasn’t in Miami just to win one championship. "Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven", said LeBron, to the cheers of Heat fans. By the start of the 2010 season, LeBron James was quickly becoming public enemy #1.

LeBron’s first year in South Beach was deemed a failure by some because the Heat lost the championship to the Dallas Mavericks in six games. That is how insanely high the expectations were for James last year. Hoping to take his team to the next level, he spent his summer working on improving his post game. No one can argue with the results so far, as he captured his third MVP this season, as well as saving the Heat’s season with a ridiculous game against the Boston Celtics with his team facing elimination. His efforts in Game 2 and 4 in the Finals has him one game away from reaching his dream of being a champ.

I am not a fan of LeBron James. Some of it has to do with “The Decision”/pep rally I mentioned earlier. Even James has admitted he would probably do “The Decision” differently if he had to do it all over again (except he doesn’t regret the millions it raised for charity). Most of my hate though is from pure frustration as a Knicks fan. Perhaps part of me wished James announced he was taking his talents to Gotham City. Perhaps part of me can’t stomach another Knicks game where LeBron James goes batshit crazy in decimating my team. Perhaps my thoughts of LeBron teaming up with his Big 3 makes me sad that the Knicks version of the Big 3 includes a superstar ball hog, the tallest, blackest Jew in the NBA who beats up fire extinguishers, and the novelty that was Linsanity.

Despite my hate, I realized LeBron James is the most scrutinized athlete around today. Sometimes it’s justified, but a lot of it has to do with filling time in today’s 24 hours news cycle. James made himself available as a punching bag to the critics with his previous cockiness, but the critics have taken it to an extreme. People were trashing him when he looked to pass the ball in this year’s All-Star Game. The game is a joke, yet it provided people with another chance to trash the King. Is it frustrating that James doesn’t have the same drive as Jordan or Kobe Bryant? Yea, but that’s not how LeBron James is. He has always been this way. He came to Miami to model himself like Magic Johnson, a distributor first and a scorer second. Just because he doesn’t have that drive doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. You can see he cares in Game 4 where he played with cramps that he wanted to do everything he can to get that win.

Sure, another Heat win and the critics will begin to question if LeBron can win multiple championships, like he promised two years ago. But in order to win multiple, you need to win one first. LeBron James has done everything he could this season to earn that ring. He has put this team on his back and has brought them oh-so-close to the trophy. It is well deserved and everyone needs to chill out about LeBron. Unless the Heat lose three straight, then we can wonder why God hates him while we call him a choke artist and a big cunt pussy.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hanging Out With Some Goodfellas

Hanging Out With Some Goodfellas

On Tuesday, Henry Hill passed away. The actual Henry Hill, not Ray Liotta. Henry Hill was a former mobster turned FBI informant. Most of you know him from the movie based on his life, the critically-acclaimed Goodfellas. Joe Pesci won the Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in this movie, and it was well-deserving. He was a comedic genius (unintentionally) who was also a borderline psycho (intentionally). Since this is one of the greatest movies of our generation and the movie is in constant play at the New Speasy, let’s honor the man by linking some Goodfellas quotes to some current events. Please note, if you’ve never seen the movie or hate the word “fuck”, just give up on this post and come back next week.

“Cornuto contento… It means he's content to be a jerk.”: The most greaseball line in this post goes to a pretty greaseball celebrity; Snooki from “Jersey Shore”. The talk of social media on Tuesday was the naked pictures of Snooki that were “leaked”. I’ll believe these pictures were leaked when I believe the NBA lottery isn’t rigged. Fading celebrities have used nude pictures and sex tapes in the past to get back into the spotlight. I’m sure this knocked-up Guidette decided to re-start her 15 minutes of fame with this stunt.

“I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.”: Hill’s last words in the movie seem fitting for Steve Bernier, the New Jersey Devil forward/media assigned goat for Game 6. Bernier was called for a major penalty and kicked out of Game 6 early after his vicious hit from behind on a LA Kings defenseman. On the five minute power play, the Kings scored three times and eventually won the game and the series. If the Devils penalty kill stepped up, Bernier’s loss wouldn’t have been noticed. Instead, they let a tight game turn into a blowout in a matter of minutes and Bernier has to take on the wrath of an entire pissed off fan base. The real reason they lost is because…..

“One day some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my mother's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was outta respect.”: The Devils respected LA Kings goalie Jonathan Quick way too much. They looked for the perfect shot throughout the series, which resulted in very few scoring attempts. While Quick had a great season, you can’t let a goalie’s play ruin your offensive flow. The Devils did several things right to get to the championship round, only to look scared facing Quick. It appeared at times the Devils were looking for deflections to beat the goalie, rather than testing him directly with shots. Yet, Steve Bernier, career journeyman and fourth liner, gets the blame.

“Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Henry? Or ya still go for the old hearts and lungs?”: The most vomit-inducing scene in the movie goes to the most vomit-inducing news story lately; pictures of the Miami zombie Apocalypse victim, before and after surgery. Good Lord that is some graphic stuff. On the bright side, I now have a new favorite idea for a Halloween costume this year.

“When they found Carbone in the meat truck, he was frozen so stiff it took them three days to thaw him out for the autopsy.”: Adding insult to injury, it was revealed that the Miami zombie victim was accidentally shot twice by the police while his face was being bitten off. He also said “Go Heat” for his first public comments after the attack. The first game the team played after those remarks, the Heat promptly blew a fourth quarter lead in Game 1 of the finals. I thought Henny had the worst luck this year, but this guy takes the cake.

“He said, ‘No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough guy.’ I said, ‘All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother.’”: To the two judges who said Timothy Bradley beat Manny Pacquiao, for refusing to go into detail on their scoring. Personally, I have not watched the fight, but everyone (and I mean everyone) is saying Manny was robbed. The judges have been relatively quiet in defending themselves, claiming they scored the fight fairly and correctly. The World Boxing Organization announced on Wednesday they will probe the outcome of this match.

“Why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy?”: Spider’s last words are bestowed upon last week’s subject, Lil’ Wayne. After the drama that played out during the Western Conference finals, Weezy still asked for courtside seats to Game 1 and the Thunder obliged. That fake confidence was shattered when Tommy shot him repeatedly, I mean, when fans and team officials (supposedly) gave him shit throughout the whole game. Lil’ Wayne has claimed Oklahoma City is still racist and vowed to cheer for the Heat. Stand up guy, that Lil’ Wayne.

“You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?”: To inadvertent funny man, Bryce Harper. When asked by a reporter Tuesday if Harper would celebrate a mammoth homerun against the Toronto Blue Jays with a beer (in Canada, the legal drinking age is 19, not 21), the 19 year-old Mormon responded “That’s a clown question, bro”. By Wednesday, this line has caught like wildfire all throughout Twitter. T-shirts are being made as we speak, featuring Harper’s quote. I expect an Internet meme featuring this line by the time you read this post. And for the record, Harper shoulda celebrated with a nice Molson afterwards.

“Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.”: To Tom Coughlin, courtesy of Bill Belichick. Coughlin cut starting tight end Jake Ballard on Monday, hoping the injured player would pass through waivers in an attempt to re-sign him on Tuesday and place him on the Physically Unable to Perform (PUP) list/injured reserve. He gambled that no one would use a waiver claim on a player who is expected to miss the year with a torn ACL. He gambled wrong as the Patriots claimed him. Despite having two gifted tight ends on the team already (Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez), Belichick decided you can never have enough talent and took a chance on the productive player. Coughlin has expressed disappointment in losing Ballard, but realized the risk existed when they cut him.

“Oh no.”: Tommy’s last words are for sexual deviant/scumbag Jerry Sandusky. Tommy was killed for his previous actions (killing Billy Batts, a made man, for no valid reason), just like Sandusky should. I know every person in America is entitled to a fair trial, but the testimony during first few days of the Sandusky trial has confirmed what we already knew; Jerry Sandusky is the biggest piece of shit in the world. Life in prison isn’t even a fair punishment for this BCP (Boydism for big cunt pussy), but it is the maximum sentence possible. I wish he met the fate of Tommy DeVito, a bullet in the back of the head, with everyone acknowledging it was the right thing to do.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd