Options Tonight? . . . Dwarf Tossing!

            Wow, I hope this catches on soon. "What are you talking about Pat?" you ask? Well, let me ask you something first. How would you like to go to a bar, have a few drinks, then pay a couple bucks to see how far you can throw a midget? Yes, toss a midget, as in pick him up and throw him. Or her I guess, I just assume it would be a male willing to strap on a helmet and let drunks throw him across the room. Doesn't that sound like fun? Who would try to stifle such a great idea?

            Midgets. Or dwarfs I suppose since the name of this sport is called dwarf tossing. Anyway, there is a little couple that stars on a TLC reality show called, you guessed it, "the little couple." They appeared on Anderson Cooper's show talking about how unsafe it is and how demeaning it is to little people. Blah blah blah. Listen, the little person that AGREES to do this knows what he's getting himself into. He puts on a helmet and some padding. And how far do you think these drunks are really tossing him? Couple feet maybe. Not far enough to get hurt. Where does this couple get off saying how wrong it is? That's bullshit!

           You know what's wrong? How hypocritical these little bastards are. Here are a couple midgets who found a way to make some extra cash by exploiting the fact that they are small enough to get picked up and thrown. And they cry about how wrong it is. Well how the fuck did they end up with a reality show? Because they are interesting entrepreneurs? Because they have great personalities? NO, it's because they are fucking midgets. I saw their interview, they're boring little pricks. They are a couple, they are midgets, and they pitched this bullshit reality show to make money. So where do they get off crying foul about some of their own kind trying to exploit themselves for money. It's exactly what they're doing. I'm sick of these people that think they are better than everyone else. They are all low and mighty in their miniature ivory tower. Fuck that. You're just like every other person that uses their abnormalities to make money. Just because you get to sit on TV doesn't make you any better. Get over yourself. It shouldn't be too hard, you're a fucking midget.

           Anyway, the State Representative in Florida is trying to repeal the law that made this illegal. Stating it's a way to boost the economy. Every little bit counts. (pun intended) I applaud this man for standing up for what he believes in and not being afraid to make the unpopular decision. Hey, if a little guy wants to make some money at a bar by getting thrown around, who are we to stop him? Shit, we should be lining up to hurl this guy for distance. So listen here midgets. Don't think you are better than anyone else because you pick a more dignified way to make money on your shortcomings. BOOM roasted!

           If you didn't see this coming, you don't read my blog enough. I'm on my way to the city to get a little Hand-job for half a Ham Sandwich from midget that knows her place.
          

You Can't Avoid Boyd - March Motherfuckin' Madness

March Motherfuckin’ Madness

After the end of the Super Bowl, a typical non-biased sports fan goes through the same cycle of indigestion, drunkenness, and sadness. The indigestion and drunkenness are a result in overindulgence of bar foods and alcohol. The sadness comes from the lull in the upcoming sports viewing cycle. Sure, there are NBA games, but no one gives a shit about basketball until the playoffs or random Asians dominating from nowhere. Only six people care about the NHL, which is double the viewers of NASCAR. Golf has been boring since Tiger Woods stopped putting his dick into anything with a heartbeat. That’s why we should be glad that March Madness comes around and saves the day.

Most people associate March Madness with the NCAA tournament. It actually starts with the end of the regular season and conference tournaments, which determines top seeds and entry into the tournament. Sure, no one got excited when Louisville and Cincinnati set back offense several decades in their Big East final matchup on Saturday, but when St. Bonaventure won their conference on Sunday and stole an at-large bid away from a bubble team, that affected so many fan bases. Completing the pre-game of the tourney was the Sunday selection show, where the committee picks the 68 teams that are going dancing. All 31 conference champions make it, while the rest of the field is made up of at-large teams. Some teams were locks for the tourney (Kansas, for example) while some teams squeaked in (Iona). The bubble burst for several schools, who watched with the show with the rest of America (Drexel, Seton Hall).

The field use to be 64 teams, but in 2001, the NCAA made it 65. The worst two conference winners played on Tuesday for the right to get dumped on by the top seed in the country. No one liked this concept. The NCAA corrected this abortion in 2011 by adding three more teams, and having the four worst conference champs and the four worst at-large teams play to get the field to 64 by Thursday. This can be important as VCU; a team many didn’t feel deserved to be in the tournament in the first place, won their 2011 play-in game and advanced all the way to the Final Four.

Once the field is set, that’s when all of America gets the fever. Whether it’s sports-obsessed fan or the person who hates sports, March Madness takes over everyone. People mysteriously are too sick to work on Thursday and Friday, yet recover in time to head to the bar and watch the tourney for ten hours. Production for the people who actually go to work goes down as people try to stream games online or refresh ESPN constantly. People claim to be experts in college basketball, yet rip up their brackets after they lose a Final Four team before the weekend is out. People who have no idea about sports do surprisingly well in their pools. In college, my tournament pool was once won by a girl who picked teams because their names sounded funny or knew people who attended that school.

What people love about the tournaments are the upsets. We live in a society where we cheer for the underdog. We loved it when Roy Hobbs smashed a home run into the lights. We loved it when Rudy made it onto the field and sacked the quarterback. You don’t see upsets too much in real sports, except for the tournament. Anything can happen when it comes down to one game. The top teams should prevail, but every year in the opening weekend, we see a double digit seed advance to the Sweet 16 every year. Who can forget such Cinderella teams like George Mason or Butler advance all the way to the Final Four? We loved seeing a Northern Iowa take out the tourney favorite Kansas in the 2010 2nd round, unless you picked Kansas in your bracket.

Can this be the year of the upset? There have been three instances in the last 25 years where no #1 seeds advanced to the Final Four, including last year. Or perhaps this is the year of the chalk (where the favorites prevail). In 2008, the Final Four was all #1 seeds. Who knows what 2012 will bring. We do know a few things though. We know that people everywhere will be watching, ready to cheer on their favorite teams and/or their brackets picks. We know the streets will be filled with ripped brackets. We know bar owners and bookies will be loving life and their increased business. We know managers and teachers will be dealing with a group of less-interested people. We know people will complain that Gus Johnson isn’t calling games. We know people will wonder where the hell the TruTV channel is on their cable box. And we know everyone will be a sports fan for just a brief time. Thank you, March Motherfuckin’ Madness.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

Hey Kids . . . NO Soup For You!

            All of my dreams have finally come true. The hard work, the preparation, the long hours and sleepless nights. I can now have what I've always wanted. Dinner and a movie and maybe even a plane ride, WITHOUT kids! What? Yes, a kid free movie followed by a relaxing dinner void of screaming brats and the parents that can't control them. Finally.

           Okay, so maybe I didn't have anything to do with it but sit there and try to tell me it's not awesome. There are actually places out there that have banned kids from their establishments. This makes enjoying your night so much easier. You know what I'm talking about.

           You have a romantic night planned with the lady friend. It starts with a nice dinner, maybe a Groupon meal for two. The hostess seats you in a booth and reads over the specials before asking what you'd like to drink. You order a beer in the biggest glass they offer and the lady gets a martini to set the mood. The two of you decide to split the spinach dip for an appetizer as you gaze over the steak selection. The porterhouse seems like the best choice for tonight. I wonder what the lady will get? The top sirloin, cooked medium, good choice. I knew there was a reason we were out together. Then it happens.

           WAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAA! "Calm down hunny, you can't get the ice cream yet." "But mommy, I'm a brat that can't behave myself in public! I want everything NOW!!"

           Are you kidding me? Did they really have to bring their kids to the restaurant? We were having such a great evening until that little bastard started crying. Now we have to listen to this kid's mouth while his parents, who apparently read a "this is NOT how to parent" book, struggle to gain control. What a great way to enjoy my porterhouse. If only a restaurant would open up where you wouldn't have to worry about that. Oh thank heaven for . . . well it's not called 7-11 but you get the point.

           I don't have anything against kids in general. I just don't appreciate when I'm trying to enjoy my night and their screaming heads ruin it. There are some movie theaters that have caught on to the trend and offer kid-free movies. Won't it be great not to have to worry about missing a good part because some couple thought it was a good idea to bring their kids, who obviously can't behave, to a dark room where silence is golden? I hope the movement really picks up. Kid-free zones everywhere would make me a happy consumer.

          Up until now the only place I knew there wouldn't be kids to ruin my night was by the dumpsters behind the Git & Go where I get Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches every other week. Here's to hoping my options open up.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - It's Not Personal, It's Just Business

It’s Not Personal, It’s Just Business

On Wednesday, the Indianapolis Colts ended months of speculation by cutting Peyton Manning. It was highly anticipated, but it is still shocking. Peyton has been the face of the Colts franchise since 1998, his rookie season. Manning had turned a laughingstock into a dominant franchise, earning one championship along the way. While it’s sad it came to this, it just confirms that sports is just a business.

Last year, Colts owner Jim Irsay thought he locked up Manning for the rest of his playing days. Peyton signed a five year, $90 million deal that should have guaranteed his career ended in Indy. Unfortunately, there was a setback in Manning’s off-season neck surgery, which required more surgery. Peyton never stepped foot onto a field in 2011. The Colts did not do well without #18, finishing as the worst team in the NFL. People began to wonder if Peyton Manning, the greatest quarterback in Colts history, would be cut. He was due a $28 million roster bonus if he remained on the team on March 11^th. Irsay had cleaned house after last year’s dismal season, firing the general manager and all the coaches. They also had the top pick in the draft, where two QB prospects, Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III, await. He also had to wonder if Peyton was physically ready to resume his career. Despite assurances from doctors that Peyton was ready, Irsay had to decide if the risk was worth it. Yesterday, Irsay decided it was too risky and cut the man who made the Colts a winner.

It’s a shame that Manning will have to wear another uniform to continue his career, but it isn’t unprecedented. Johnny Unitas, Joe Namath, Joe Montana are three examples of Hall of Fame quarterbacks who did not finish their careers for the team that drafted them. Ask any diehard Dallas Cowboys fan about Emmett Smith’s tenure as an Arizona Cardinal and I am sure you will hear obscenities. It’s just the nature of the game.

A football team is a business, simply put. It is up to an owner to run all aspects as efficiently as possible. Managing a salary cap is one of those aspects. I’m not gonna nerd it up with facts and figures, but you only have so much to spend on 53 players. Some players are worth more than others. Owners have to figure out a way to field the most competitive team and still be within the cap. If there was no cap, Peyton Manning would still be a Colt. However, $28 million is a lot to guarantee someone who a) might not be the same player prior to the surgeries, b) might be rusty after a year long layoff, and c) will be 36 years old before training camp.

By all indications, Peyton Manning’s career did not end with the Colts cutting him. He is free to sign with another team and will probably take his time to research the best fit. Finding NFL suitors won’t be an issue as few teams do not have a need for a QB of this caliber (Giants, Eagles, Packers, Lions, Bears, Saints, Falcons, Panthers, Patriots, Ravens, Steelers, Bengals, and Chargers should not be in the market. Everyone else should have some interest.) At this point in his career, Peyton doesn’t need the money. He just wants that second ring. He can’t like the fact that Eli has one more than he does.

It is a sad day for Colts fans. For the last 14 years, they knew Peyton Manning as their quarterback. Before last season, he never missed a start. The 2011 season was supposed to be an aberration, not the beginning of the end. Now, a new man will take over as the face of the franchise. If I was a Colts fan, I’d definitely be down in the dumps. I’m just wouldn’t be surprised. At all. Sports is all about making money. If someone gets in the way of making money, they are expendable. And Peyton became expendable. There is no emotion when it comes to business. It’s black and white with no gray areas. While I understand it, I wish I didn’t. It was better when I was younger and more optimistic. Instead, I know what the bottom line is. Money talks, and Peyton walks.

                  -Written by Marcus Boyd

Birth Control? . . . You Slut!

           There are a number of controversies clogging up the news feeds the past few days. One has to do with the NFL players being paid extra to knock other players out of the game. The one I'd like to talk about has to do with Rush Limbaugh and some comments he made on his radio show. Since these comments were made, at least 24 sponsors have pulled out (pun intended) of the Rush Limbaugh business. Two of the 600 stations that broadcast his show also got out of dodge. Let me give you some background into the situation in case you haven't been listening.

           The whole story revolves around the Health Care problem facing most Americans. One of the big arguments surrounding the health care problem has to do with companies paying for birth control. It becomes an issue with religious companies that don't believe in contraception. Therefore, their health benefits don't include birth control coverage for their employees. So, women need to pay for it themselves and it's very expensive depending on what kind you use. This seems a bit unfair to a lot of the women out there and it has become a huge political concern. Last week a law student from Georgetown University testified at a congressional hearing on the subject. She argued her point that in the past three years as a law student, birth control would have cost $3,000. Beside the obvious use for birth control (condom-less sex), there are other medical reasons for women to be on the "pill." I'm not a doctor so I won't get into all the medical benefits because, quite frankly, I don't know. That was part of the law students argument. Her name is Sandra Fluke. The main point of her testimony was that it's not a religious thing at all, or an attack on the values of religious companies. It has to do with the fact that sometimes women need this medication and it should be covered under their health benefits.

           Well, anyone that has ever listened to Rush Limbaugh before knows that he is a very opinionated and on some occasions very ignorant man.

"What does it say about the college co-ed Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says she must be paid to have sex?" What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She's having so much sex, she can't afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex."

           That is the quote from his radio show about Sandra Fluke's testimony. Ignorant right? It's pretty obvious that he doesn't know how birth control works. It seems he thinks the more sex you have the more birth control you need. That is the case for us guys but women can take just one pill a day and it covers them whether they have sex or not. Even if they have sex 7 times that day, which would be awesome. The "pill" has it covered.

            Since we can safely say Rush doesn't know much about sex and contraceptives, why do we really care what he has to say?  Yea, I get that he has a huge radio broadcast and millions of people listen to what he has to say. But why do we get bent out of shape when he says something stupid? Who cares? It's his show and he can say whatever he wants. It's obvious he doesn't know what he's talking about in regards to this topic. So why can't we chalk this up to him being a moron and move on? This whole episode has been all over the news. CNN, MSNBC, Comedy Central. Now, I understand why Comedy Central picked up on this. Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert did a great job poking fun at this whole thing. That's as far as it should have gone. All the other coverage is unnecessary.

             And to be honest with you, I think the companies pulling their advertisements off his show are making a mistake. Radio advertisement and advertising in general is a business. It's about the amount of consumers that will hear your ad. If you know anything about anything, you know that his ratings are going to go up after this. Yes, up. It's the same reason Howard Stern had such great ratings. People want to hear what he has to say now, even if they hate him. So having an ad running during his show would be more beneficial now then they would before he stuck his foot in his mouth. Do you think consumers won't buy your product because your ad was playing during his show? Or that you have an advertisement on his program? I don't. Why would that have anything to do with the products I buy?

             It all comes back to how sensitive everyone is in this country. Take a breather. I'm not defending his comments, they were stupid and unintelligent. What I'm saying is, who cares? He is trying to fill hours of a talk radio show and has to say whatever is on his mind. If he calls someone a slut and a prostitute, big deal. Is she a slut or a prostitute? No, she's a law student at Georgetown University. She shouldn't worry about it. I'm sure there are people out there that have called her far worse. The only difference is that Rush has a microphone and an audience. It shouldn't affect any of the advertising done on his show, or get this much news coverage. He said it and it's over. Stop being such a slutty bitch about it.

            I'll say it again, the majority of Americans are huge pussies. Don't take things so personally. Don't take things so serious. Just concentrate on what you need to get done in your life and stop worrying about what other people have to say about it. Especially when they are big ignorant fucks who have to fill up air time and say whatever they want. Rush has since apologized twice. Mostly because he had to, to try and save some of the advertising money the show is losing now. Sandra has since been on the View and probably some other news/talk show. So she should probably thank him for this. Otherwise nobody, except the stuffy suits that were at the hearing, would know who she is or what she was talking about.

            Speaking of slutty prostitutes. I'm on my way to Chinatown to find one that takes Ham Sandwiches for a Hand-job and I have a good feeling I'll be successful. Based on past experience of course.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Nobody Knows Anything

Nobody Knows Anything

On my way into work Wednesday, “Mike & Mike in the Morning” talked about a blog post from the Minnesota Star Tribune where the writer questions if the Vikings beating the Washington Redskins on Christmas Eve was the costliest win in its team history (http://www.startribune.com/sports/vikings/blogs/140734193.html). The theory being a loss in that game would give them the highly coveted 2^nd overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, a pick that many expect to be Robert Griffin III, the QB from Baylor. I am glad I didn’t hear their responses so I can offer my unbiased perspective on it (especially since Herm Edwards (www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMk5sMHj58I) was a guest host).

For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about (aka, my girlfriend), the top two picks in the 2012 NFL Draft should be Stanford QB Andrew Luck and RGIII (what the cool kids call Robert Griffin III). Luck is described as can’t miss while RGIII has been the hottest prospect of the year. RGIII started out as a blip on the NFL radar. He began the college season on fire and saved his best performances for the end of the year, on his way to the Heisman Trophy. With a great arm, his media savviness, and his well documented speed (he tried out for the U.S. Olympic team in the 400m hurdles), he is now viewed as a can’t miss player and a man who could be taken ahead of Luck.

The St. Louis Rams hold the 2^nd pick this year. While they don’t need a QB, they know other teams do and are drooling over RGIII. Since it is a seller’s market, many are predicting a huge windfall if the Rams trade the pick (multiple high round draft picks the next two years and possibly players.) The Minnesota writer was saying if the Vikings, who drafted their QB of the future in 2011, lose that game to the Redskins, they’d have the opportunity to turn that 2^nd pick into the chance to rebuild a struggling franchise.

In theory, that works. The Vikings finished 3-13 last season and were officially eliminated from playoff contention before Thanksgiving. However, communism worked as well in theory. To suggest the Vikings should have tanked a game is beyond ludicrous. Not many people have a chance to play in the NFL. There is no way any of the 53 players who played against the Redskins that day would have let up for the good of the franchise moving forward. First off, if you are labeled a quitter, your playing career is over. A rapist or a murderer can play in the NFL. A quitter cannot. Second, your fans expect the best. How could you expect fans to spend money on the team if they know you can tank? Fans hate losing, but can put up with it (to a degree) if the effort is there.

Right now, Griffin III is all that and a bag of chips. Who knows what will happen before the April draft. In order for the proposed trade bounty to happen, RGIII needs to stay in the spotlight positively and teams need to be in competition for that spot. If RGIII has a bad pro day, the trade package can disappear. If teams are able to dig up unflattering info on him, the hype could be gone. If teams decide not to pursue RGIII (go after a free agent QB, draft another QB later on, wait until next year to address the position, etc.), trade leverage goes out the window. There needs to be at least two teams fighting for the 2^nd pick to create the king’s ransom. If not, the seller’s market flips into a buyer’s market.

Last, draft picks are the ultimate lottery ticket. Mel Kiper Jr. may proclaim himself a draft expert, but that’s bullshit. Despite all the research done by teams or specialists, there is no guarantee on how a player can turn out. In 1998, some teams preferred Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning. In 1999, the Cleveland Browns made Tim Couch their top pick. In 2000, six teams drafted QBs not named Tom Brady. In hindsight, those teams would be fucking idiots. High or multiple draft picks doesn’t mean automatic success down the road. While draft preparation goes a long way, luck (the noun, not the player) is definitely required.

I understand what the writer was trying to convey. He was dreaming of the 2004 trade, which turned a grumpy Eli Manning into three Pro Bowlers for the San Diego Super Chargers, for his beloved Vikings. However, it is absolutely absurd to look down at a team for winning a game. You don’t want to overlook karma. Just like you don’t want to piss off a blackjack dealer, you don’t want to piss off the karma gods. They do not reward the unjust. I am sure if they would have tanked the game, their highly anticipated trade haul would have been made up of busts, the injured, and/or homosexuals. Things happen for a reason. One faithful night last March, Henny decided to enjoy the unseasonable warmth to enjoy his ham sandwich dinner in an alley way. He wasn’t looking for a handy, but it came to him anyway and he was now aware of the barter system. Chalk that up to karma sonnnnnnnnnnnn.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

Is it March Yet?

           Every four years we get an extra day in February called Leap Day. 24/7/365? Not this year. We have 366 days in 2012. So what does that mean? Well, nothing really. Except for an extra day of Black History Month. Do you believe that? White History doesn't even get its own month, let alone an extra day every four years. Relax, I'm kidding. But seriously. What does this extra day mean for us? If you watch "30 Rock" like I do every week, we're supposed to take advantage of this day. We can do anything we want. Whatever happens on Leap Day doesn't count. Wait, what?

           Unless you knew about this already you might not have anything planned for this year. So maybe we should take this time to plan for 2016. And plan something crazy! Sky diving? Base jumping? Alligator wrestling? Bank robbery? Long distance swimming? Scuba diving? Unprotected hooker sex? The list goes on. The list also get really weird. So you should probably choose something for yourself. Just make sure you pick something you wouldn't normally do on a Monday. (Leap Day in 2016 will be on a Monday) Which is actually a perfect opportunity. Make a long weekend out of it and go nuts.

                  Well, that's all I have to say about Leap Year. I would like to touch on something else that happened over the weekend if you don't mind. Even if you do mind, blow it out your ass.

          I talked about stereotypes a while back but one of them got cemented this weekend. The Nascar fans out there know what I'm talking about. Women can't drive! The face of GoDaddy.com crashed 3 times this weekend. Apparently they all weren't her fault (I don't watch Nascar) but the fact is, she was in 3 crashes. Every race she was in this weekend, she crashed. So, I'd like to take this time to thank Ms. Patrick for confirming what we already knew in our hearts. Women can't drive. And if they're Asian women, run for the hills because it's about to get crashy.

         Okay, let's recap. This is a Leap Year and unless you have something planned for the 29th this year, let's starting thinking about 2016. It'll be a Monday and you'll have plenty of Vacation days to use and go bananas. Also, women can't drive. Thanks Danika. I'm going to celebrate Leap Day 2012 by doing something crazy. I'm going Subway to buy a 6 foot Ham Sandwich and get the best Hand-job money can buy from at least 4 bums behind the IHOP. (It's National Pancake Day so it should be packed back by the dumpsters)