You Can't Avoid Boyd - My Team Won the Super Bowl

My Team Won the Super Bowl

On Sundays, my friends and I play in a weekly flag football game. As the Arlington team was winning 6-5, my friend Evan picked off a pass and had nothing but green grass in front of him for the game-winning pick six. Unfortunately, he fell. The Falls Church squad shut down Arlington and we eventually won 7-6. I was wondering if this could be a sign for the Giants. I would find out it was.

Before the game, I figured this would be a close game and could be won by either side. I was worried about New England’s tight ends even though Rob Gronkowski was banged up. They were a mismatch against our linebackers. For the Giants to win, they would need to control the ball and take advantage of their wide receiver matchups. Also, their defensive line needs to pressure Tom Brady like they did in Super Bowl 42.

Here is my running diary for Super Bowl 46 (All times are approximate):

4 pm Stains and I decide to watch the game at 51^st State Tavern. It’s a Giants bar and we knew we needed to be around Giants fans to celebrate or drown our sorrows with. We got a seat by the main bar and establish rapport with both bartenders so we can get fubar tonight. I’m decked out in my Justin Tuck jersey and Giants hat while Stains wears something out of his metrosexual closet.

4:30 pm David Tyree talks about his helmet catch with Bob Costas and Rodney Harrison. Harrison was the safety who couldn’t knock the ball loose in that game. He also has a “You stole my fucking ring, Tyree” glare about him during the interview. Tyree shows off his bling while wearing either the worst tie or the worst scarf in the history of mankind. This thing is so gay, even Mike Cleary called David Tyree a fag.

5 pm Stains decides to bet on the Giants at +3. I take the Giants at +9/under 59 points. I figure it’s only money and it should make the game more enjoyable. If I lose, I can always get more money. I’m a white male with hair. The sky’s the limit for Boyd.

5:30 pm The bartender changes the channel inadvertently. My biggest pet peeve is bartenders at sports bars that work the remote like a woman. Is that a sexist statement? Show me a woman who can work the remote control and I’ll retract this comment. Otherwise, shut up.

6:19 pm Kelly Clarkson and her hideous bangs sign the National Anthem. I thought she did a good job. I’m also glad she finished her eight-piece bucket of fried chicken before taking the stage.

6:37 pm The Giants drive down the field but stall after the Pats sack Eli Manning twice. Luckily, Steve Weatherford pins the Pats at the 5 with a great punt.

6:39 pm They show Gisele Bundchen in her suite. I’m not sure where Bridget Moynahan and her bastard son are watching the game.

6:40 pm The first ever safety in Super Bowl history. Tom Brady is called for intentional grounding after he threw the ball to no one downfield. My boy, Justin Tuck, put on the pressure. The bar loses its shit. I joked to Stains that whoever bet the first score would be a safety must be loving life right now. I find out on Monday someone put a $1000 on that, in Vegas at 50 to 1 odds. Lucky bastard.

6:41 pm I’m pissed I didn’t bet on the prop bet the final score would be 4-0. The odds were 5,000 to 1.

6:42 pm Elton John whores himself out for Pepsi Max with Flavor Flav. A proud moment for one and the complete opposite for the other.

6:45 pm Stains and I determine that Henry Hynoski is the 2^nd greatest thing to come out of Pittsburgh. The first was the dude who put french fries and cole slaw into a sandwich.

6:49 pm Victor Cruz fumbled at the Pats’ 8 yard line, but luckily, it didn’t count as the defense had 12 guys on the field. Big break for the G-men.

6:51 pm Cruz salsas his way into the end zone. Great throw by Eli as the linebacker was in good position to break it up. He completed his first nine passes, a Super Bowl record to start a game. I drunkenly salsa dance at the bar. Giants are up 9-0 as they have controlled the ball for most of the first 12 minutes of this game.

6:55 pm Coca Cola has an ad with polar bears. It did a good job as I now want a polar bear.

7:05 pm The Pats finally get on the board to make the score 9-3. Jason Pierre-Paul batted down a pass on a pivotal 3^rd down pass. NBC decides to show his dad, who has a retarded look on his face. I later find out he is blind.

7:12 pm Cris Collinsworth is amazed on how big Brandon Jacobs is. I’m amazed Collinsworth spells his first name like a douchebag.

7:13 pm Travis Beckham, the Giants’ backup tight end, tears his ACL. This becomes noteworthy later on in the game.

7:14 pm Volkswagon has a commercial where a dog loses weight by working out relentlessly. On a related note, Stains jams a bunch of chips into his mouth.

7:19 pm David Beckham shows off in his underwear. Millions of dudes around the world question their sexuality.

7:20 pm Coca Cola has their 2^nd ad featuring polar bears. I now want another polar bear so my other polar bear has a playmate.

7:27 pm NBC shows off the Giants’ offensive linemen. They should have called the photo shoot “Brokeback Blocking”.

7:28 pm The Giants great drive is derailed by a questionable holding call. Rather than run more time off the clock and possibly score, they are force to give the ball back to the Pats with four minutes remaining in the half. Weatherford pins them at the four with another great punt.

7:37 pm Sketchers show off their running shoes on a dog. I now want a pair for my polar bears.

7:47 pm Tom Brady make the Giants look silly as he leads the longest touchdown drive in SB history. The touchdown pass was made an easy when JPP stops rushing and drops into coverage. The Pats head into the locker room with a 10-9 lead.

8:00 pm The halftime show with Madonna. It features a bunch of dudes break dancing on steps, a guy in a toga bouncing off a tight rope with his genitals, LMFAO using more of their 15 minutes of fame, New England’s DT Vince Wilfork joining Madonna for “Like a Prayer” (Stains told me it was actually Cee Lo Green) and someone called M.I.A. flipping off America. After Nipplegate in 2004, networks have gone the safe route with halftime entertainment, playing older and safer acts. M.I.A. threw all that goodwill out the window with a middle finger. At least throw a beaver shot if you are going to piss off everyone.

8:15 pm The couple next to Stains spends the entire 2^nd half hugging. It’s quite ridiculous. Who hugs for that long?!?!

8:16 pm We manage to find the only three non-Giants fans in the bar as they tried to take Stains’ seat when he went to the bathroom. These three fugly girls were Redskins fans. Stains shows his cordial side by talking to them. I show my cordial side by not telling these cunts to shut the hell up.

8:17 pm Clint Eastwood revives his “Gran Torino” character to speak on behalf of Chrysler, minus his hatred of Asians. I guess you can’t say gook on NBC, but you can flip them off.

8:23 pm Chad Ocho Cinco catches the first pass of the half. I’m surprised because I thought Ocho Cinco was dead. I even sent flowers to what I thought was his funeral.

8:25 pm NBC shows pictures of Tom Brady acting like a complete tool.

8:30 pm Tom Brady is perfect again as he hooks up with Aaron Hernandez for a TD. Brady breaks another SB record with 16 straight completions. Hernandez celebrates by opening the vault and making it rain. I woulda thought it was a good celebration if the Giants weren’t down 17-9. Now, I’m just angry at that beaner.

8:32 pm They play up the Myra Craft angle on NBC. Myra, the wife of Pats owner Bob Kraft, passed away this summer from cancer. I refuse to make a joke about this despite my anger. I do not want to piss off the Karma God.

8:36 pm Hakeem Nicks is drilled by the sideline and is shaken up. The bar is silent as a Nicks injury would be catastrophic.

8:38 pm Nicks is fine as Lawrence Tynes kicks a field goal, making the score 17-12.

8:40 pm They show Eli’s mom and wife in a suite. The biggest surprise of the night is Peyton Manning is not shown at all, despite his attendance.

8:47 pm Pats drive stalls as Tuck gets his first sack of the night. Tuck has a chance to win Super Bowl MVP if the Giants win. Brady seems to be favoring his left shoulder while leaving the field.

8:51 pm After getting great field position, Nicks fumbles after a catch, but luckily, the ball is recovered by Hynoski.

8:55 pm The Giants get to the red zone, but a sack forces Tynes to kick another field goal. It’s now 17-15 Pats. The mood in the bar is somber. Too many times the Giants left points on the board. Plus, everyone knows the Pats are capable of scoring at any time. Thank God for our defense.

9:03 pm After Brady showed great awareness by escaping two potential, he throws a deep ball that is picked off by Giants LB Chase Blackburn. Blackburn was teaching high school two months ago, now he’s making an interception in the Super Bowl. First turnover in the game.

9:04 pm Stains and I start doing shots. In Super Bowl 42, I didn’t drinking liquor until the 4^th quarter and the Giants ended up winning. I figure this might be the good luck charm the team needs. It’s not about me and my liver, it’s about the Giants.

9:05 pm For the second time this game, the Giants fumble the ball but it is recovered again by the Giants. If the Giants win, fans can point out how lucky they were that the ball bounced just right. Pats fans will probably get drunk and beat their wives.

9:06 pm After all the hype, they finally show the Ferris Bueller commercial. God awful.

9:11 pm Starting Giants TE Jack Ballard hurts his knee and his night is done. The Giants are now out of pass catching tight ends and are forced to use three and four wide receivers the rest of the night. On the bright side, Victor Cruz has started getting open and catching some balls.

9:15 pm Mario Manningham catches a 30 yard pass, but can’t get both feet inbounds. Collinsworth notes Manningham has had trouble with his foot work on deep balls all season. Manningham is incredibly frustrating because he is very talented but drops a lot of catchable balls.

9:18 pm The 3^rd down pass falls incomplete to Manningham, but it appeared the refs blew a pass interference call. Tom Coughlin loses his shit as does the entire bar. Also hurting on this drive was the team using two timeouts on a drive resulting in no points. Weatherford steps up again, pinning the Pats at their nine yard line. It is still 17-15, with nine minutes remaining in the game.

9:19 pm Barring anything crazy, I won my bet. I don't care about my bet. I care about the ring.

9:20 pm Second shots sonnnnnnnnnnn.

9:29 pm The Pats are trying to run off as much time as possible and it’s working. Brady is dinking and dunking the ball all over the place. Currently down to four minutes with the ball at midfield.

9:30 pm Biggest break in the game as Wes Welker drops a 25 yard pass as the Giants were confused in coverage. The throw wasn’t the best but a NFL receiver needs to make that catch, especially someone as gifted as Welker. This could be the Evan moment the Giants needed.

9:31 pm Deion Branch can’t hold onto the 3^rd down pass. Good breakup by Giants CB Corey Webster on a ball that was thrown behind the receiver. Giants get the ball at their 12 yard line.

9:32 pm Mario Manningham makes the greatest catch of his life, catching a 38 yard grab on the sideline. Even better than the catch was the throw. Eli threaded this pass between two defenders and Mario did a great job sticking both feet inbounds. It’s not quite the Tyree catch, but it is the definitive moment of the game thus far. Pats coach Bill Belichick challenges the call to no avail. The lost timeout comes back to haunt New England.

9:37 pm The Giants are moving the ball slowly but surely. They are currently at the Pats 35 with three minutes remaining.

9:38 pm Nicks catches a slant to get into the red zone at the two minute warning. The Giants are in field goal range, but now must be aware of taking time off the clock. You don’t want to give the ball back to Brady with time to spare.

9:41 pm Collinsworth mentions how it might be smart to take a knee at the one yard line rather than score. Nicks catches another first down but goes out of bounds at the eight yard line.

9:42 pm Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw gets stuffed at the line of scrimmage, forcing the Pats to burn their second timeout.

9:43 pm MOTHERFUCKIN’ TOUCHDOWN. Bradshaw went in untouched, but he appeared to try and knee it at the one. However, his momentum brought him into the end zone. Either way, the Giants take their first lead since the first quarter. The bar has lost their minds right now.

9:45 pm Giants do not get the two-point conversion as they decide to run the ball with their third running back and their best blocking tight end out. I guess Tom Coughlin was drunk. 21-17 G-Men with 57 seconds remaining.

9:48 pm Branch and Hernandez both drop passes before Tuck gets his second sack of the game. It is now 4^th and long as the Pats burn their last timeout. Everyone is screaming at 51^st State.

9:50 pm Fuckin’ Brady escapes the rush again and completes a first down pass. 32 seconds remaining.

9:51 pm Hernandez catches a ball but gets tackled at their 40, inbounds. 17 seconds after the spike.

9:52 pm Deep bomb to Hernandez is incomplete, but the Giants had 12 men on the field. Ball is at the 45. Brady throws an incomplete pass to Branch with five seconds to go.

9:52 pm Last play of the game. We all know the Hail Mary is coming. The ball is thrown into the end zone and………VICTORY!!!!! I didn’t realize how close Gronkowski was to catching the tip until Monday morning. I spend the next ten minutes hugging anyone in sight and singing along to the music they played. Good times.

Seven weeks ago, I was prepared to help Tom Coughlin move out of New York after he got fired. Now, he got his second ring with the team, will most likely coach the Giants until he retires, and probably earned a spot in the Hall of Fame. He’ll probably be joined in Canton with Eli Manning one day. Anytime you can watch your team win the championship, it’s one of the greatest feelings ever. As for the Patriots, Tom Brady will have to answer his critics about his Super Bowl slumps and his inability to beat the Giants. His wife is already throwing his receivers under the bus and Belichick’s genius will be in question as he has not won a championship since 2004. Thank God Evan fell down and Welker dropped the ball.

The Giants deserve to celebrate. They were 7-7 two months ago. Then, they ran the table. Mario Manningham probably earned himself a rich contract elsewhere. Osi Umenyiora had to deal with injuries and contract issues all year, but came on late. They should all celebrate. The title defense starts in a few months

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

I'll Have the Ridiculous Sandwich on a PETA Please!

           There is a long list of problems facing the U.S. right now. All the occupy bullshit, the recession, the housing market, the job market, Government corruption, poverty, hunger, crime, drugs, the Kardashians, reality TV in general and the list goes on. I think we should put some of the more pressing issues in front of the U.S. Supreme Court and let them try to sort it out. The other option is to use the court's time and resources for something completely unimportant.

           On Monday, February 6th 2012 five Orcas from Sea World in San Diego were given a chance to have "their" case heard in Federal Court. Yes Orcas, or as they are more commonly known, Killer Whales. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) brought a case against Sea World on behalf of the five Orcas saying that they should have the same rights as human beings under the 13th Amendment. If you don't know what the 13th Amendment is, read a book. Or I'll just tell you, it abolished slavery. So PETA is arguing that these Killer Whales should have the same rights as human beings and are currently being enslaved in their small tanks at Sea World.

           Now listen, I love animals. But come on. Where will this stop. First it'll be these whales. Then race horses, then guard dogs, then police dogs, then mascots, then house dogs, then house cats, then birds, then do I really need to go on?

           If I'm not mistaken a killer whale by the name of Tilikrum killed it's trainer two years ago, and that was the third time that particular whale killed someone. Was it put on trial? Was it sentenced to death? NO, it's the first name on the list of plaintiffs in this case. Are you kidding me? PETA you need to get your head on straight. If you want these animals to have the same rights as humans, then that whale should be dead! It killed three people with hundreds of witnesses. And what happened? It was chalked up to a rare but horrible act of a whale acting on instinct. Well, then kill it! It's a murderer.

          I'm all for the ethical treatment of animals but this is going too far. They are not humans, they are animals. They are trained and fed and put on a show for paying citizens to enjoy. They are not covered under the Constitution of the United States because they are not human beings and should not have the same rights that human beings have. Enough said. Stop being stupid and focus your energy on more important matters. For Christ's sake, this case is tying up the Federal Court and costing the tax payers money. For what? To see if these whales should be set free?

        This is a slippery slope PETA. If the ruling goes in your favor you can say goodbye to the entire Zoo industry. Millions of jobs will be lost. Billions of dollars will be lost. WHY? Because you can't just accept the fact that they are animals and sometimes they just need to be kept confined. For the sake of Human Beings just get off your high horse (which you shouldn't be riding anyway, it's unethical) and chill the fuck out! I'm going to PETA headquarters in Norfolk, VA to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of these righteous assholes.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Forget Jersey ... The Worst Shore is Still Pauly

Forget Jersey…The Worst Shore is Still Pauly

All this month, my posts will be focused on discussing some of the worst in Hollywood. I’ll also be respecting Black History Month with my “Props to a Black Dude” feature at the end of each post.

Pauly Shore is without a doubt the worst comedic actor of our generation. He got his big break working on MTV back in the early 1990s. This was back when MTV was focused on music and spring breaks instead of Italian slapdicks and teenage moms. Pauly performed under his alter ego, “The Weasel”, for much of his entertainment career. The Weasel didn’t notice girls’ racks, he noticed their melons. Instead of grabbing a snack, the Weasel was munching on some grindddddddddddage. The Weasel specialized in elongating the pronunciation of words. After some success on MTV, he co-starred in the 1992 film “Encino Man”. The movie was about Shore and Rudy Ruettiger discovering a frozen cave man in their back yard, which helped transform them from nerds to the cool kids. This was believable in 1992 because we were all idiots. This was around the time where Jessie Spano had a ridiculous No Doz addiction and America collectively wept.

After the success of “Encino Man”, Hollywood thought the world was ready for Shore to wheeze a little more juuuuuuuuuuuuice out of the box office. He signed on to star in the following movies: “Son in Law”, “In the Army Now”, “Jury Duty”, and “Bio-Dome”. Al-Qaeda couldn’t build four bigger bombs if they tried. One flop after another. Shore tried to break away from the Weasel in “In the Army Now” and “Jury Duty”. It was like watching the stripper who is a little too old to still be working at a strip club: completely embarrassing for everyone involved. The Weasel returned for “Bio-Dome” with Alec Baldwin’s dipshit faggot of a brother, but by then, America had enough. The Weasel was dead.

I can’t recall an actor having that many starring roles in horrible movies. Usually by the second bomb, Hollywood smartens up and stops producing feature films for that actor. It took four to finally kill Pauly Shore’s acting career. Shore wrote and starred in a 2003 mockumentary, “Pauly Shore is Dead”, acknowledging his fading career by faking his own suicide to boost popularity of his films. I never saw it, but I imagine it sucked like everything else he’s ever done.

I can say that Pauly Shore did bring me joy one time. Two months ago, my friend’s bang sack brought her friend out to a bar. She looked exactly like Pauly Shore, which could never be taken as a compliment. After boozing all day, it allowed my friends and I to break out the Weasel talk and mock her all night. It was a glorious night. So I did have one positive Shore experience. Otherwise, Pauly Shore is a sack of shit, budddddddddddddddy.

This week’s “Props to a Black Dude” is for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. This guy went from undrafted free agent to second-team All-Pro in two years. Last year, he had a ridiculous preseason (including three TD’s in one half against the Jets) and earned an unexpected roster spot. Unfortunately, he dressed for three games before landing on the injured reserve list. This year, he struggled as the Giants’ fourth receiver, but became a starter after two WRs were hurt early in the season. He took the opportunity and ran with it, setting a team record in receiving yards in a season. He also scored nine times and featured his celebratory salsa dance. Three things I like about him: One, when he scored against the Saints in a blowout loss, he never danced. I admired he recognized the situation and didn’t act like a jackass. Two, he’s not letting his sudden fame get to him. He already turned down “Dancing with the Stars” this year to focus on his off-season workouts. Three, he saved the Giants’ season. In a must win against the Jets, the Giants looked flat until Cruz caught a pass at the Giants’ 10-yard line and ran 89 yards for the go-ahead score. Since that play, the Giants haven’t lost. They would not be in the Super Bowl without Victor Cruz. I’m also glad New England never looked at him, despite the fact that Cruz went to a local college (UMass). If he scores on Sunday, you are god damned right I’ll be doing my best drunken salsa dancing.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

It's Groundhog Day - It's Groundhog Day - It's Groundhog Day - Get It?

Hey Punxsutawney Phil, go fuck yourself!

                 February is here. For a small town in western Pennsylvania that means a big day is right around the corner. By right around the corner I mean February 2nd. By big day I mean Groundhog day. For those of you who haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day, wait what? How have you not seen that movie? Anyway, it's classic Bill Murray and it's fantastic. I'm not really worried too much about the movie for this post, I'd like to focus on the actual event and what it's about. However, my only reference for the actual holiday is the movie.

                 On February 2nd in a small town called Punxsutawney an extraordinary event takes place. According to legend, a magical groundhog named Phil can predict the coming of an early Spring. So every year, hundreds maybe even thousands of hicks gather in this little shit-hole town to watch this spectacle. The only thing I really know about the holiday came from watching the movie approximately 1,679 times. I told you, it's classic Bill Murray and I'll watch it whenever it's on. So in the movie, they gather around the part of town called Gobbler's Knob. (insert blow job joke here) They party all night, singing and dancing around burning barrels. They listen to Polka music and really hick it up. It's quite a show. Then, very early on February 2nd, the magic happens.

                Again, pulling all this from the movie, a couple guys in tuxedos make a couple announcements. Then they wrap on Phil's door, reach in and pull the little bastard out. After they "talk" to the groundhog, they read from a scroll that tells us if Phil saw his shadow. 

                Here's the rundown: If he sees his shadow, it's 6 more weeks of Winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, it's an early Spring. Common sense would tell you if it's sunny that day, he would see his shadow. If it's cloudy, he probably won't. Well if you know anything about hicks, they don't have much common sense. So the actual weather that day has nothing to do with it. If you saw earlier that they read from a scroll, that would also tell you that this whole thing is predetermined anyway. All these people get amped up to see if it's going to be warm soon, or continue to be cold until actual Spring. Wow.

               They managed to get a holiday, a movie, and everyone's attention to watch a groundhog look for his shadow to tell you if Spring weather will come on March 20th (the vernal equinox) or somehow earlier. What a country.

               Well Phil, I got news for you. Spring weather is already here and has been for months now. So take your stupid holiday and all the hicks (yea I used that word a lot but I like it and it works) that pay attention to it and stick it up your little groundhog ass. The seasons are determined by the tilt of the Earth's axis and it's orbit around the Sun. Not by some overgrown rat with a hick following in Pennsylvania. The actual weather, judging by this year, doesn't care about the seasons anyway. So for Groundhog day this year, I'll take out my Gobblers Knob, see it's shadow and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from a bum in southern PA. Yea I'll take the ride up there to prove a point.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Rabble Rabble Rabble: Snippets from the Weekend

Rabble Rabble Rabble: Snippets from the Weekend

Instead of focusing 800 words on one topic, I’m gonna post random thoughts on an array of things from the past weekend. You might be thinking “What a cop-out. Write a full post, douchebag”. Eh, whatever, fuck you. Billy Cundiff, stop reading immediately.

-I hope you don’t own your place in Maryland, Billy Cundiff, I hope that you rent.

-The following people will always drink for free if they are in my presence: Natalie Portman, the guy that invented blowjobs, and Kyle Williams.

-While Billy Cundiff will catch all the heat (deservingly so) for the loss, Lee Evans deserves his fair share of the blame. How the hell do you not secure the game winner?!?

-I don’t watch a lot of commercials due to DVRing and my ability to change the channel, but there are some awful ones out there. You’re the Egg McMuffin of my fill in the blank. God awful. The only thing worse than that one is the Budweiser commercial where some slap dick is blurting out things that suck while the crowd counters with more positive things. Finally, Mr. Glass is Half Empty mentions his cute neighbor Sarah and joins the happy crowd with some playful high-fives. We all know this guy will either rape Sarah, kill Sarah, or both after his night of drinking Bud Heavies with his new friends.

-I think Ed Hochuli should spend more time explaining his calls. Jesus Christ, does he get paid by the word? I could have watched a movie in the time he explained the non-reversal of Vernon Davis’ first TD. I think if you asked Hochuli what time it was, he’d explain to you how a watch worked. Keep it simple, Gun Show.

-The Republican Party has a nice little problem on their hands. Three men going for one spot. I don’t know how they believe they can take over the presidency when their party is that divided. Don’t forget the turd in the punch bowl, Ron Paul.

-After Joe Flacco was dissed by his teammate, Ed Reed, every ESPN analyst said this matter should have been in-house. While that all sounds good, it’s impossible. Between social media & everyone’s access to post online immediately, and overall media coverage, nothing can be private. Don’t believe me. Ten years ago, Brian Downing would be a free man, bragging to his frat brahs about teabagging some LSU turd. Now, he’s in prison, charged with sexual battery.

-There’s the Alex Smith we all know and love.

-I wished I could have stormed the court/field once in my life. Unfortunately, Bloomsburg never pulled off any great upsets during my distinguished four year academic career.

-There’s nothing better than your team being in the Super Bowl and being old enough to celebrate properly. After Super Bowl XLII, I trashed my living room, threw a keg across the street, threw up in four different spots, fell asleep outside, and was found rummaging through the basement at 2:30 am, looking for a fondue set. Good times.

-Before I told my girlfriend that previous story, she was an 8 on the worried scale from 1 to 10 for this year’s Super Bowl. Now, she is a 214 and the number is rising.

-I am glad Domino’s addressed the serious issue of not enough cheese on their cheesy bread. Now, we can have our top scientists focus all of their attention on curing cancer.

-My predictions for the NFL season were mixed. I successfully picked seven out of 12 playoff teams with Arizona being the only team I was way off on. I butchered all the Peyton/Colts predictions and was spotty on my coach firings. My 7-9 prediction for the Giants was off due to the late winning streak, which saved Tom Coughlin’s job. I still don’t understand how Mike Shanahan, his fake tan, and his cunty son are still in DC.

-Ryan Braun accepting his MVP trophy this weekend without explaining his failed drug test = Pure balls

-If I was given the choice of seeing a double feature of the new Reese Witherspoon and Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson movies or getting kicked in the nuts by Billy Cundiff, I’m gambling on another wide left.

-Who knew Steven Tyler hated America? Honestly, how can you be a professional singer and fuck up the National Anthem? I realize there is pressure, but you are used to it. I realize there have been worst renditions (Roseanne Barr and Carl Lewis come to mind), but this American Idol judge joins the ranks of music stars who dishonored the red, white, and blue.

-Joe Paterno’s passing. When I asked the biggest Penn St. fan I know on his thoughts, he said he had wished it happened four months ago. His views weren’t bitter, but rather a sense of the coach not having to deal with the fallout. That is completely understandable considering the recent events. Not that his death would have exonerated him, but it would have led to a more peaceful end for JoePa and history tends to go easier on the non-living. The coach shouldn’t be forgotten for his role in this ordeal, but he shouldn’t be defined entirely by it either.

-I think Josh loves footnotes more than Pat loves giving up ham sandwiches.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

White House RSVP: Not Attending

                I know not everyone out there is a sports fan. I also know not everyone out there cares about politics. This little diddy has both. So enjoy it or continue to exercise your right as a free citizen to do something else.

                Tim Thomas is a goalie in the NHL and plays for the Boston Bruins. If you didn't know, they won the Stanley Cup last year. As tradition will have it, Barack Obama invited the team to the White House for a celebration. It's the same old thing for every sport. The President talks about the team and how great they played. The team thanks him and talks about how great they played. They give the President a team jersey and enjoy the Nation's Capital. This year was a bit different.

                Tim Thomas who was the MVP (Most Valuable Player) of the Stanley Cup Playoffs didn't attend this celebration. His so called "snub" of Obama caused quite a ruckus. In his own words Thomas defended himself by posting this on his official Facebook page:

"I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.

This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.

Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.

This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT"

            I'm going to give you a chance to re-read all that. . . . . So, what do you think? I had to put aside all my hatred of the Boston Bruins, and the rest of New England for that matter, and say that reading what TT wrote gave me goosebumps. There are a number of other reasons I had goosebumps but I'm giving all the credit to Thomas on this one. The Federal Government is growing out of control and it doesn't seem there is anything we are going to do about it. On a small level, Tim Thomas is trying to do something. With this little act he completely overshadowed the team's visit to the White House. He also made it possible for everyone to read his opinion and think about why he did what he did. It goes to show that not all athletes are meat-head morons with tiny steroid ball sacks.

            That's not saying all athletes are involved and intelligent. (T.O. = DUH) But it's very refreshing to see a player stand up for what he believes in. Especially the MVP of the Championship winning team. It really said something to do that and I know Obama heard it. I just hope everyone else hears it and we can actually change where this country is headed. Otherwise we're on the fast track to a country filled with out of work pussies looking for a hand-out. What I mean there is, this country is filled with a lot of pussies (not the good kind) that want things handed to them (Occupy *.*) instead of working to change their own lives.

           Tim Thomas is living the dream. He gets paid tons of money to play the game he loves. But he stays involved and isn't afraid to stand-up for his beliefs. He made a bold move and I commend him for it. In his honor and I guess to honor all of the NHL, I'm going to work a little harder to find a bum with missing teeth to exchange a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich with.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds

Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds

This month, all the television networks are gearing up to release their new programming for the winter schedule. Some shows returned from their hiatus’ (“30 Rock” for example), but mostly brand new shows will debut. Two that caught my eye were “The Firm” and “Napoleon Dynamite”. The reason they caught my eye is it continues a growing trend that Hollywood is out of ideas and keeps recycling the same shit over and over again.

In 1991, John Grisham’s novel “The Firm” debuted to critical acclaim. Two years later, Tom Cruise played the lead role in the movie version. Hollywood writers decided to dust off this script and pick up the storyline from where the 1993 movie ended. Tom Cruise was not available for the role since he’s Tom fucking Cruise. There is a better chance Suri Cruise goes to public school than Tom being on a network show. Also, no one would believe he was a straight man in his early 30s. As these writers were going through the pile of old scripts, they also landed on the 2004 cult classic “Napoleon Dynamite” and decided to turn it into a cartoon. Oddly enough, all the actors were available to reprise their roles. I guess there wasn’t high demand for Uncle Rico, Pedro, and the black tranny Kip married.

Really Hollywood? There isn’t enough creativity left to write a new TV show. Instead, scripts from 20 years ago are the new muses for recent programs. Was American clamoring to see Napoleon Dynamite and his updated views on tetherball and tater tots? John Grisham’s book was already butchered by the movie, now they need to finish it off completely with the television series. How hard is it to write a TV show? Group some hot chicks with a few dudes, write some jokes, and have the story line make sense after each episode. We’re not talking about curing cancer; we’re talking about a half-hour sitcom.

It’s not just television that is ripping off older projects. “The Karate Kid” and “Footloose” are two 80s classics that were remade recently. I boycotted watching either, but I’d imagine it’s the same storyline with minimal changes to make it more modern. The original movies might have been dated, but they were perfect just the way they are. I am not even going to waste the two hours to see Will Smith’s kid exact revenge on bullies since I’ve already seen Daniel LaRusso do it a hundred times. Plus, you get the weird sexual tension between him and Mr. Miyagi. I know the current version wouldn’t touch that subject with a ten foot pole.

While researching this article, I saw a website where there are currently 50 remakes in discussion. 50?!?! One of them being “Point Break”. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Unless they can resurrect Patrick Swayze from the grave, this movie has no chance of succeeding. And I don’t think I’ll be seeing Swayz-dog riding waves anytime soon. So Hollywood, for the love of God, just write some new shit. It doesn’t even have to be good. Just something new. You got a responsibility, writers of Hollywood. Instead of remaking an older project like some goon on the porch, you should get off your asses and think of a new fucking idea. 

               -Written by Marcus Boyd