I'll Have the Ridiculous Sandwich on a PETA Please!

           There is a long list of problems facing the U.S. right now. All the occupy bullshit, the recession, the housing market, the job market, Government corruption, poverty, hunger, crime, drugs, the Kardashians, reality TV in general and the list goes on. I think we should put some of the more pressing issues in front of the U.S. Supreme Court and let them try to sort it out. The other option is to use the court's time and resources for something completely unimportant.

           On Monday, February 6th 2012 five Orcas from Sea World in San Diego were given a chance to have "their" case heard in Federal Court. Yes Orcas, or as they are more commonly known, Killer Whales. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) brought a case against Sea World on behalf of the five Orcas saying that they should have the same rights as human beings under the 13th Amendment. If you don't know what the 13th Amendment is, read a book. Or I'll just tell you, it abolished slavery. So PETA is arguing that these Killer Whales should have the same rights as human beings and are currently being enslaved in their small tanks at Sea World.

           Now listen, I love animals. But come on. Where will this stop. First it'll be these whales. Then race horses, then guard dogs, then police dogs, then mascots, then house dogs, then house cats, then birds, then do I really need to go on?

           If I'm not mistaken a killer whale by the name of Tilikrum killed it's trainer two years ago, and that was the third time that particular whale killed someone. Was it put on trial? Was it sentenced to death? NO, it's the first name on the list of plaintiffs in this case. Are you kidding me? PETA you need to get your head on straight. If you want these animals to have the same rights as humans, then that whale should be dead! It killed three people with hundreds of witnesses. And what happened? It was chalked up to a rare but horrible act of a whale acting on instinct. Well, then kill it! It's a murderer.

          I'm all for the ethical treatment of animals but this is going too far. They are not humans, they are animals. They are trained and fed and put on a show for paying citizens to enjoy. They are not covered under the Constitution of the United States because they are not human beings and should not have the same rights that human beings have. Enough said. Stop being stupid and focus your energy on more important matters. For Christ's sake, this case is tying up the Federal Court and costing the tax payers money. For what? To see if these whales should be set free?

        This is a slippery slope PETA. If the ruling goes in your favor you can say goodbye to the entire Zoo industry. Millions of jobs will be lost. Billions of dollars will be lost. WHY? Because you can't just accept the fact that they are animals and sometimes they just need to be kept confined. For the sake of Human Beings just get off your high horse (which you shouldn't be riding anyway, it's unethical) and chill the fuck out! I'm going to PETA headquarters in Norfolk, VA to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of these righteous assholes.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Forget Jersey ... The Worst Shore is Still Pauly

Forget Jersey…The Worst Shore is Still Pauly

All this month, my posts will be focused on discussing some of the worst in Hollywood. I’ll also be respecting Black History Month with my “Props to a Black Dude” feature at the end of each post.

Pauly Shore is without a doubt the worst comedic actor of our generation. He got his big break working on MTV back in the early 1990s. This was back when MTV was focused on music and spring breaks instead of Italian slapdicks and teenage moms. Pauly performed under his alter ego, “The Weasel”, for much of his entertainment career. The Weasel didn’t notice girls’ racks, he noticed their melons. Instead of grabbing a snack, the Weasel was munching on some grindddddddddddage. The Weasel specialized in elongating the pronunciation of words. After some success on MTV, he co-starred in the 1992 film “Encino Man”. The movie was about Shore and Rudy Ruettiger discovering a frozen cave man in their back yard, which helped transform them from nerds to the cool kids. This was believable in 1992 because we were all idiots. This was around the time where Jessie Spano had a ridiculous No Doz addiction and America collectively wept.

After the success of “Encino Man”, Hollywood thought the world was ready for Shore to wheeze a little more juuuuuuuuuuuuice out of the box office. He signed on to star in the following movies: “Son in Law”, “In the Army Now”, “Jury Duty”, and “Bio-Dome”. Al-Qaeda couldn’t build four bigger bombs if they tried. One flop after another. Shore tried to break away from the Weasel in “In the Army Now” and “Jury Duty”. It was like watching the stripper who is a little too old to still be working at a strip club: completely embarrassing for everyone involved. The Weasel returned for “Bio-Dome” with Alec Baldwin’s dipshit faggot of a brother, but by then, America had enough. The Weasel was dead.

I can’t recall an actor having that many starring roles in horrible movies. Usually by the second bomb, Hollywood smartens up and stops producing feature films for that actor. It took four to finally kill Pauly Shore’s acting career. Shore wrote and starred in a 2003 mockumentary, “Pauly Shore is Dead”, acknowledging his fading career by faking his own suicide to boost popularity of his films. I never saw it, but I imagine it sucked like everything else he’s ever done.

I can say that Pauly Shore did bring me joy one time. Two months ago, my friend’s bang sack brought her friend out to a bar. She looked exactly like Pauly Shore, which could never be taken as a compliment. After boozing all day, it allowed my friends and I to break out the Weasel talk and mock her all night. It was a glorious night. So I did have one positive Shore experience. Otherwise, Pauly Shore is a sack of shit, budddddddddddddddy.

This week’s “Props to a Black Dude” is for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. This guy went from undrafted free agent to second-team All-Pro in two years. Last year, he had a ridiculous preseason (including three TD’s in one half against the Jets) and earned an unexpected roster spot. Unfortunately, he dressed for three games before landing on the injured reserve list. This year, he struggled as the Giants’ fourth receiver, but became a starter after two WRs were hurt early in the season. He took the opportunity and ran with it, setting a team record in receiving yards in a season. He also scored nine times and featured his celebratory salsa dance. Three things I like about him: One, when he scored against the Saints in a blowout loss, he never danced. I admired he recognized the situation and didn’t act like a jackass. Two, he’s not letting his sudden fame get to him. He already turned down “Dancing with the Stars” this year to focus on his off-season workouts. Three, he saved the Giants’ season. In a must win against the Jets, the Giants looked flat until Cruz caught a pass at the Giants’ 10-yard line and ran 89 yards for the go-ahead score. Since that play, the Giants haven’t lost. They would not be in the Super Bowl without Victor Cruz. I’m also glad New England never looked at him, despite the fact that Cruz went to a local college (UMass). If he scores on Sunday, you are god damned right I’ll be doing my best drunken salsa dancing.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

It's Groundhog Day - It's Groundhog Day - It's Groundhog Day - Get It?

Hey Punxsutawney Phil, go fuck yourself!

                 February is here. For a small town in western Pennsylvania that means a big day is right around the corner. By right around the corner I mean February 2nd. By big day I mean Groundhog day. For those of you who haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day, wait what? How have you not seen that movie? Anyway, it's classic Bill Murray and it's fantastic. I'm not really worried too much about the movie for this post, I'd like to focus on the actual event and what it's about. However, my only reference for the actual holiday is the movie.

                 On February 2nd in a small town called Punxsutawney an extraordinary event takes place. According to legend, a magical groundhog named Phil can predict the coming of an early Spring. So every year, hundreds maybe even thousands of hicks gather in this little shit-hole town to watch this spectacle. The only thing I really know about the holiday came from watching the movie approximately 1,679 times. I told you, it's classic Bill Murray and I'll watch it whenever it's on. So in the movie, they gather around the part of town called Gobbler's Knob. (insert blow job joke here) They party all night, singing and dancing around burning barrels. They listen to Polka music and really hick it up. It's quite a show. Then, very early on February 2nd, the magic happens.

                Again, pulling all this from the movie, a couple guys in tuxedos make a couple announcements. Then they wrap on Phil's door, reach in and pull the little bastard out. After they "talk" to the groundhog, they read from a scroll that tells us if Phil saw his shadow. 

                Here's the rundown: If he sees his shadow, it's 6 more weeks of Winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, it's an early Spring. Common sense would tell you if it's sunny that day, he would see his shadow. If it's cloudy, he probably won't. Well if you know anything about hicks, they don't have much common sense. So the actual weather that day has nothing to do with it. If you saw earlier that they read from a scroll, that would also tell you that this whole thing is predetermined anyway. All these people get amped up to see if it's going to be warm soon, or continue to be cold until actual Spring. Wow.

               They managed to get a holiday, a movie, and everyone's attention to watch a groundhog look for his shadow to tell you if Spring weather will come on March 20th (the vernal equinox) or somehow earlier. What a country.

               Well Phil, I got news for you. Spring weather is already here and has been for months now. So take your stupid holiday and all the hicks (yea I used that word a lot but I like it and it works) that pay attention to it and stick it up your little groundhog ass. The seasons are determined by the tilt of the Earth's axis and it's orbit around the Sun. Not by some overgrown rat with a hick following in Pennsylvania. The actual weather, judging by this year, doesn't care about the seasons anyway. So for Groundhog day this year, I'll take out my Gobblers Knob, see it's shadow and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from a bum in southern PA. Yea I'll take the ride up there to prove a point.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Rabble Rabble Rabble: Snippets from the Weekend

Rabble Rabble Rabble: Snippets from the Weekend

Instead of focusing 800 words on one topic, I’m gonna post random thoughts on an array of things from the past weekend. You might be thinking “What a cop-out. Write a full post, douchebag”. Eh, whatever, fuck you. Billy Cundiff, stop reading immediately.

-I hope you don’t own your place in Maryland, Billy Cundiff, I hope that you rent.

-The following people will always drink for free if they are in my presence: Natalie Portman, the guy that invented blowjobs, and Kyle Williams.

-While Billy Cundiff will catch all the heat (deservingly so) for the loss, Lee Evans deserves his fair share of the blame. How the hell do you not secure the game winner?!?

-I don’t watch a lot of commercials due to DVRing and my ability to change the channel, but there are some awful ones out there. You’re the Egg McMuffin of my fill in the blank. God awful. The only thing worse than that one is the Budweiser commercial where some slap dick is blurting out things that suck while the crowd counters with more positive things. Finally, Mr. Glass is Half Empty mentions his cute neighbor Sarah and joins the happy crowd with some playful high-fives. We all know this guy will either rape Sarah, kill Sarah, or both after his night of drinking Bud Heavies with his new friends.

-I think Ed Hochuli should spend more time explaining his calls. Jesus Christ, does he get paid by the word? I could have watched a movie in the time he explained the non-reversal of Vernon Davis’ first TD. I think if you asked Hochuli what time it was, he’d explain to you how a watch worked. Keep it simple, Gun Show.

-The Republican Party has a nice little problem on their hands. Three men going for one spot. I don’t know how they believe they can take over the presidency when their party is that divided. Don’t forget the turd in the punch bowl, Ron Paul.

-After Joe Flacco was dissed by his teammate, Ed Reed, every ESPN analyst said this matter should have been in-house. While that all sounds good, it’s impossible. Between social media & everyone’s access to post online immediately, and overall media coverage, nothing can be private. Don’t believe me. Ten years ago, Brian Downing would be a free man, bragging to his frat brahs about teabagging some LSU turd. Now, he’s in prison, charged with sexual battery.

-There’s the Alex Smith we all know and love.

-I wished I could have stormed the court/field once in my life. Unfortunately, Bloomsburg never pulled off any great upsets during my distinguished four year academic career.

-There’s nothing better than your team being in the Super Bowl and being old enough to celebrate properly. After Super Bowl XLII, I trashed my living room, threw a keg across the street, threw up in four different spots, fell asleep outside, and was found rummaging through the basement at 2:30 am, looking for a fondue set. Good times.

-Before I told my girlfriend that previous story, she was an 8 on the worried scale from 1 to 10 for this year’s Super Bowl. Now, she is a 214 and the number is rising.

-I am glad Domino’s addressed the serious issue of not enough cheese on their cheesy bread. Now, we can have our top scientists focus all of their attention on curing cancer.

-My predictions for the NFL season were mixed. I successfully picked seven out of 12 playoff teams with Arizona being the only team I was way off on. I butchered all the Peyton/Colts predictions and was spotty on my coach firings. My 7-9 prediction for the Giants was off due to the late winning streak, which saved Tom Coughlin’s job. I still don’t understand how Mike Shanahan, his fake tan, and his cunty son are still in DC.

-Ryan Braun accepting his MVP trophy this weekend without explaining his failed drug test = Pure balls

-If I was given the choice of seeing a double feature of the new Reese Witherspoon and Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson movies or getting kicked in the nuts by Billy Cundiff, I’m gambling on another wide left.

-Who knew Steven Tyler hated America? Honestly, how can you be a professional singer and fuck up the National Anthem? I realize there is pressure, but you are used to it. I realize there have been worst renditions (Roseanne Barr and Carl Lewis come to mind), but this American Idol judge joins the ranks of music stars who dishonored the red, white, and blue.

-Joe Paterno’s passing. When I asked the biggest Penn St. fan I know on his thoughts, he said he had wished it happened four months ago. His views weren’t bitter, but rather a sense of the coach not having to deal with the fallout. That is completely understandable considering the recent events. Not that his death would have exonerated him, but it would have led to a more peaceful end for JoePa and history tends to go easier on the non-living. The coach shouldn’t be forgotten for his role in this ordeal, but he shouldn’t be defined entirely by it either.

-I think Josh loves footnotes more than Pat loves giving up ham sandwiches.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

White House RSVP: Not Attending

                I know not everyone out there is a sports fan. I also know not everyone out there cares about politics. This little diddy has both. So enjoy it or continue to exercise your right as a free citizen to do something else.

                Tim Thomas is a goalie in the NHL and plays for the Boston Bruins. If you didn't know, they won the Stanley Cup last year. As tradition will have it, Barack Obama invited the team to the White House for a celebration. It's the same old thing for every sport. The President talks about the team and how great they played. The team thanks him and talks about how great they played. They give the President a team jersey and enjoy the Nation's Capital. This year was a bit different.

                Tim Thomas who was the MVP (Most Valuable Player) of the Stanley Cup Playoffs didn't attend this celebration. His so called "snub" of Obama caused quite a ruckus. In his own words Thomas defended himself by posting this on his official Facebook page:

"I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.

This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.

Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.

This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT"

            I'm going to give you a chance to re-read all that. . . . . So, what do you think? I had to put aside all my hatred of the Boston Bruins, and the rest of New England for that matter, and say that reading what TT wrote gave me goosebumps. There are a number of other reasons I had goosebumps but I'm giving all the credit to Thomas on this one. The Federal Government is growing out of control and it doesn't seem there is anything we are going to do about it. On a small level, Tim Thomas is trying to do something. With this little act he completely overshadowed the team's visit to the White House. He also made it possible for everyone to read his opinion and think about why he did what he did. It goes to show that not all athletes are meat-head morons with tiny steroid ball sacks.

            That's not saying all athletes are involved and intelligent. (T.O. = DUH) But it's very refreshing to see a player stand up for what he believes in. Especially the MVP of the Championship winning team. It really said something to do that and I know Obama heard it. I just hope everyone else hears it and we can actually change where this country is headed. Otherwise we're on the fast track to a country filled with out of work pussies looking for a hand-out. What I mean there is, this country is filled with a lot of pussies (not the good kind) that want things handed to them (Occupy *.*) instead of working to change their own lives.

           Tim Thomas is living the dream. He gets paid tons of money to play the game he loves. But he stays involved and isn't afraid to stand-up for his beliefs. He made a bold move and I commend him for it. In his honor and I guess to honor all of the NHL, I'm going to work a little harder to find a bum with missing teeth to exchange a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich with.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds

Hollywood is Full of Unoriginal Basterds

This month, all the television networks are gearing up to release their new programming for the winter schedule. Some shows returned from their hiatus’ (“30 Rock” for example), but mostly brand new shows will debut. Two that caught my eye were “The Firm” and “Napoleon Dynamite”. The reason they caught my eye is it continues a growing trend that Hollywood is out of ideas and keeps recycling the same shit over and over again.

In 1991, John Grisham’s novel “The Firm” debuted to critical acclaim. Two years later, Tom Cruise played the lead role in the movie version. Hollywood writers decided to dust off this script and pick up the storyline from where the 1993 movie ended. Tom Cruise was not available for the role since he’s Tom fucking Cruise. There is a better chance Suri Cruise goes to public school than Tom being on a network show. Also, no one would believe he was a straight man in his early 30s. As these writers were going through the pile of old scripts, they also landed on the 2004 cult classic “Napoleon Dynamite” and decided to turn it into a cartoon. Oddly enough, all the actors were available to reprise their roles. I guess there wasn’t high demand for Uncle Rico, Pedro, and the black tranny Kip married.

Really Hollywood? There isn’t enough creativity left to write a new TV show. Instead, scripts from 20 years ago are the new muses for recent programs. Was American clamoring to see Napoleon Dynamite and his updated views on tetherball and tater tots? John Grisham’s book was already butchered by the movie, now they need to finish it off completely with the television series. How hard is it to write a TV show? Group some hot chicks with a few dudes, write some jokes, and have the story line make sense after each episode. We’re not talking about curing cancer; we’re talking about a half-hour sitcom.

It’s not just television that is ripping off older projects. “The Karate Kid” and “Footloose” are two 80s classics that were remade recently. I boycotted watching either, but I’d imagine it’s the same storyline with minimal changes to make it more modern. The original movies might have been dated, but they were perfect just the way they are. I am not even going to waste the two hours to see Will Smith’s kid exact revenge on bullies since I’ve already seen Daniel LaRusso do it a hundred times. Plus, you get the weird sexual tension between him and Mr. Miyagi. I know the current version wouldn’t touch that subject with a ten foot pole.

While researching this article, I saw a website where there are currently 50 remakes in discussion. 50?!?! One of them being “Point Break”. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Unless they can resurrect Patrick Swayze from the grave, this movie has no chance of succeeding. And I don’t think I’ll be seeing Swayz-dog riding waves anytime soon. So Hollywood, for the love of God, just write some new shit. It doesn’t even have to be good. Just something new. You got a responsibility, writers of Hollywood. Instead of remaking an older project like some goon on the porch, you should get off your asses and think of a new fucking idea. 

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

From Josh with Love - In the Beginning, There Were Jobs

In the Beginning, There Were Jobs

If you have been following politics for, I don’t know, the last four years or so then you will know that unemployment and the economy is the primary issue among both voters and politicians. It has also spurred a lot of discussion, debate and stinging rhetoric across party lines. All you have to do is listen to one of Obama’s dog and pony shows or one Republican debate[1]. I have done both. I try to keep up on what the President says because I think it’s important. I watch the Republican debates primarily for the drinking game. Here are the rules. Take a drink every time one of the following happens:

- A candidate breaches their time limit

- Another candidate calls someone out for breaching time limit

- Mitt Romney sounds like a cartoon character

- Newt Gingrich says something crass

- Rick Perry’s point makes you want to piss on your TV

- You think to yourself “I wish Ron Paul was drunk at my family reunion”

- The moderator ignores John Huntsman (I wrote this before he dropped out)

- Rick Santorum gives Jerry Sandusky-esque crooked pedophile smile

Oh, did I mention you will get shit blasted drunk while playing this game. Nevertheless, getting Americans back to work is the paramount issue and will continue to be leading up to and through the election this fall. I think the two primary contributors to this blog would agree. They are smart, talented, educated and under-employed. Oh, they’re also raging drunks and dickheads, which is the other shared similarity between them and most Americans under 30 years old. So, each party and every politician promises to do one simple thing: create jobs.

To these people I have a simple question; have you ever seen a job created? I have. I had the pleasure to tour a job factory in suburban St. Louis recently. It really is quite a sight. The first thing that I noticed was how clean and industrial the plant was. Foremen roam the factory floor inspecting machines with unsurpassed technology. Just the robotics involved would make your head spin. Machines move swiftly and precisely. This factory creates jobs at a rate of about 300 per hour, one of the most efficient in the US. The output is sublime; perfect, symmetrical, strong and identical jobs, one by one rolling off the assembly line. Although, you can’t help but notice that most of the machines are assembled from imported parts.

Ok, so you get the point. You can’t create a job. It’s not a product, fuckers. So, is there a recipe for jobs?

Corn on the Job

- 1 cup infrastructure spending
- 2 cups de-regulation
- ¼ cup tax cuts
- ¾ cup education reform
- ¼ cup housing assistance
- Tbsp of kill everyone on wall street
- Tsp nutmeg[2]

Mix thoroughly and bake at hotly contested debates in house and senate for 8 years. Let rest for an entire election year. Serves 230-240 million people.

I think I’ve made my point on that. My larger point is this; this recession sucks, and it’s going to continue to suck and it would be nice for one of these spineless cocksuckers to just stand up and say that instead of trying to sell Americans on this creationist theory of jobs.

Warning: this is where I get serious

Consider that between 2007 and the third quarter of 2011 GDP went from $13.2 trillion[3] to $15.2 trillion[4]. So, GDP has rebounded and actually increased from highs at the start of the recession. Meanwhile, unemployment went from 5% to 8.5%[5] (and a high of nearly 10% in 2009). The current unemployment rate doesn’t even consider those who have stopped looking for jobs. What does this mean? It means that our output has increased while more people are out of work (as a percentage of the work force). Simply, we are more efficient. Ok, so GDP includes government spending. Even net of government spending GDP has essentially been flat. So basically, with that many more people out of work we produce the same amount of goods and services. The reason is pretty simple; less people working harder, technology and the collapse of housing and the industries that support it.

As typical Americans we think we can just rebound immediately. After all, we need everything to happen so quickly. We need our food prepared in 60 seconds and thrown at us through our car windows while we speed down the highway. We (men) continually get pissed when some chick doesn’t want to touch our genitals the first night we meet them. The DMV has been ridiculed for years because of wait times. Ever been in line at the grocery store and someone goes to pay with a check? I’ve seen less fury in a Rage Against the Machine mosh pit[6]. So, our culture is that we want instant gratification. But it won’t happen. Harvard economists Reinhart and Rogoff wrote a great book called “This Time is Different”. It scrubbed 800 years of data and came to a simple conclusion: deep recessions caused by a financial crisis are protracted. While you can’t read the whole book you can read their research abstract here http://www.economics.harvard.edu/files/faculty/51_This_Time_Is_Different.pdf

As far as jobs goes, look at this chart

You can see that it takes a long time for jobs to recover. Just the last downturn (2001-2005) it took nearly 48 months to return to pre-recession levels. And that wasn’t nearly as deep or severe as this downturn. While this chart is a little dated you can see that in 2010 we weren’t even close to our way back. Even if it only took 48 months like the last time we would still be talking 2012. So, what’s the message. We still have years to go until we return to where we were. Lest we forget how dire the economic and financial calamity we were in (are in) was (is).

So, how do you create a job? The answer is simple but making it happen is hard. Supply and demand is the backbone of economics. So, to create jobs you need a product that is in demand. Suggesting that this is easy or that you can just “create” them is ridiculous. That’s like saying “to get rich all I need to do is think of the next facebook”. Well, that’s going to take a great idea, skills, a lot of hard work and some luck. So how will the politicians make what America is selling attractive? The government already pushed housing as the “American product” and look where that got us. What we need is someone to want our goods, whether it is manufactured products, education, technology or our intellectual capital. So instead of just saying “I can create a job”, let’s start talking about how we can utilize our strengths to advance our economy forward. In the age of globalization, which isn’t going away, this has to include the rest of the world. Other capitalist societies are not our economic enemies; they are our key to advancement. Too bad we can’t export arrogance and egotism. Then maybe 13 million people could get a ham sandwich without giving a hand job.

                   -Written by Josh

[1] It should be easy, there’s one every 16 minutes

[2] Every fucking time I want to make something it has nutmeg in it. Who the fuck has nutmeg laying around? Screw you Rachel Ray

[3] Moody’s Analytics- National economic statistics report

[4] 3Q11 revised GDP report: http://www.bea.gov/newsreleases/national/gdp/gdpnewsrelease.htm

[5] Bureau of Labor: http://data.bls.gov/timeseries/LNS14000000

[6] HFSTival 2000 was craaaaaazy