MLK Day - A day off, really?

            Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. A civil rights leader, a pioneer, a man with a dream. One of the most influential black men in U.S. history. How should a man of this caliber be honored? What can we do to ensure that the generations to follow will know who this man was? What he did? The struggles he endured and the cowardly way his life was taken?

           A Memorial in Washington D.C. sounds like the proper way to immortalize him and everything he stood for. Done! The monument they have in the Nation's Capital is a gorgeous one. It's 30 feet tall and depicts Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. "emerging as a stone of hope from a mountain of despair" (taken from an associated press article.) It really is an impressive sight. If you haven't been there or at least checked it out online then you better not be quoting him on facebook! He really was a great man and deserves to have his legacy literally etched in stone.

          That's enough though right? Let me run down the federal holidays that come up every year;
                           

• New Year's Day - self explanatory. It's the new year, start it with a day off.
• Martin Luther King Jr. Day - Celebrating his birthday.
• Presidents Day - Celebrating the birthday of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Our Nation's first president and decorated Army General. Lincoln was one of the greatest presidents to ever serve in office. If you don't know about him then you're an asshole.
• Memorial Day - In honor of all the fallen soldiers that gave their life in pursuit of freedom and the American way of life.
• Independence Day - Celebrates our independence from British rule and the start of the United States Of America.
• Labor Day - "Celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers." (Wikipedia)
• Columbus Day - Honors Christopher Columbus who accidentally discovered America.
• Veterans Day - Honors all our Nation's Veterans both past and present.
• Thanksgiving - It's all about the Pilgrims and Indians and a day to give thanks for what you have in your life.
• Christmas - Jesus' birthday which also happens to be the same day Santa brings presents to all the nice little boys and girls around the world. (if they believe in him)

         Now, you tell me. Does he really deserve a federal holiday? Or was the Government looking for another day off and this is the best they could come up with? I'm not taking anything away from him, so please don't start freaking out. All I'm saying is, he has his own day off and we have to combine two of the greatest presidents' birthdays into just one day. Sounds a little fishy. I don't think his dream of equality had anything to do with an entire day off. That seems awfully selfish.

        The only other day that is honoring just one man is Columbus day. I know he made it to the U.S. by accident but he was still the first one here. I'm not getting into the whole "Indians were here first" argument. In 1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean blue and that's the end of it. He discovered America and should probably have a day to himself.

       I'm not saying the civil rights movement doesn't deserve a day off. I think maybe it should incorporate more of the people that were involved. Maybe have a "Civil Rights Day" or something to that affect. If you compare it to the other federal holidays, does it really sit in the same basket? What basket? Anyway, Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I had to work today anyway. So to honor the man and everything he did for civil rights, I'll be heading to 1964 Independence Avenue, SW Washington, DC 20024 to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich.

                

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Luckiest Man in Sports

The Luckiest Man in Sports

"We've become so desensitized to violence that we see all the time, that we're actually blaming the victims now. I'm watching the news the other night, and some guy gets killed by a stray bullet while he was pumping gas at a gas station. And they interviewed an eyewitness, and the eyewitness said, `He was at the wrong place at the wrong time.' And I'm like, `Wrong place at the wrong time?' Where the fuck do you go when your tank is on `E,' Chuck-E-Cheese?"

-Comedian Nick DiPaolo

Three weeks ago, Bill O’Brien was known as the coach who yelled at Tom Brady during one of the Patriots games. Now, this Irish drunk (stereotyping saves time people) is the head coach at Penn State and is the luckiest man in sports. He was at the right place at the right time.

Many believed that Joe Paterno would die before stepping down as head coach. Paterno was untouchable. Students would riot if the winningest college football coach of all time was fired for his team’s performance. Florida State faced heavy media scrutiny when they forced Bobby Bowden into early retirement, and Bowden didn’t have the tenure in Tallahassee than JoePa did in Happy Valley. No one at the school would have the balls to dismiss the PSU coaching legend. In 2004, PSU officials suggested Paterno step down after a dismal five-year stretch. Paterno told them to hit the bricks and ended up winning the Orange Bowl the next year. He’s Joe Paterno. He’s old, he’s loyal, he is Penn State football.

That all changed once the Jerry Sandusky scandal came full circle. Once it hit, Paterno’s coaching career was over. Paterno offered to step down at the end of the year. School officials didn’t want to wait that long and fired him immediately. Replacing a legend would have been tough enough. Replacing a legend at a tarnished program makes it nearly impossible. Despite the football team being clean, the shadows of Sandusky loom large. Recruits started backing out of their PSU commitments. Penn State wasn’t exactly a hot spot for the top college coaches to begin with. The team was always a contender in the Big Ten, but hasn’t been a national title contender for years. While Pennsylvania and its surrounding areas offer lots of football talent, five-star recruits from Texas and Florida preferred to go to school in the south rather than freeze in central PA. It wasn’t as if Nick Saban would have taken the job if available a year ago.

Penn State knew it had to be creative with its coaching search. They looked at several current PSU assistants, some established coaches with experience, and some current head coaches over their two month search. Getting Mike Munchak to leave the Tennessee Titans was far-fetched despite his ties to the school. In his first year, Munchak almost led his team to the playoffs. Not many NFL head coaches quit to coach in college. Also, Chris Petersen has turned down better opportunities to stay at Boise State, so it was somewhat unrealistic to think he’d come to Happy Valley. At the end of the search, Bill O’Brien was the man chosen to lead the Nittany Lions in the future.

Why do I think he is the luckiest man in sports? First off, if Joe Paterno would have retired scandal-free this year (completely possible as he was diagnosed with lung cancer shortly after his firing), Bill O’Brien would not have been the head coach. While I stressed it wasn’t the perfect job earlier, it wasn’t the worst job in the world either. The scandal did scare some candidates away. I don’t believe O’Brien would have ever gotten to the point where he won over the decision makers if Penn State wasn’t in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. Now, O’Brien, with no head coaching experience, is coaching a Big Ten program and received quite a nice pay raise to do so. Also, there will no immediate pressure for O’Brien to win. Penn State needs to rebuild its image more than anything right now. It needs to wash the stink off of this scandal as soon as possible. O’Brien just needs to run a clean program, free of diddling kids in the shower. It won’t be the end of the world if Penn State wins four games next season. It’s more important for the program and the school to get back on track. I’m not saying the pressure won’t eventually be there. 3-9 won’t cut it in 2017, but right now, the key is to get everything back to normal. Plus, I am sure PSU did a very thorough background check on O’Brien. I am sure they knew how fast he was going when he got a speeding ticket in 1987. Even if he fails as a head coach, he can always be an assistant somewhere. Assistant coaches of Bill Belichick are always in demand. If he succeeds, we already know Penn State has no issue keeping a coach around for a long, long time.

Bill O’Brien went from a no name assistant to head coach of a storied college program in less than a year. Even though LaVar Arrington and Brandon Short do not approve (by the way, both these guys should shut the fuck up), the PSU school board is happy and O’Brien really can’t fail. Right place, right time.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

From Josh with Love - You're Attitude TeBlows

You’re Attitude TeBlows

Even though this is only my second guest blog I feel like I need to make a commitment. Given Boyd’s propensity to blog about sports I will not have another sports related guest blog. Actually, if my existing track record provides any insight into the timing of my additions to this website, you won’t see anything from me for the next 11 months. I want to talk about Tim Tebow. Actually, I don’t. I want to talk about people’s reactions to Tim Tebow and what I think it says about us. Here’s my general hypothesis: people hate themselves.

As someone who lives in Pittsburgh and likes to drink alcohol[1] I had the pleasure of experiencing the reaction to the Steelers’ overtime loss to Tebow on Sunday. My immediate reaction was “it is going to be amazing hearing what these yinzers have to say about this”. Being a sports town, every radio station on my Monday morning drive was discussing the debacle in Denver. Facebook was loaded, and I mean loaded with posts about the game[2] and they all weren’t limited to Steeler fans. There seemed to be an overwhelming sentiment that Tebow can go fuck himself.

I get that he may not have the most talent or that it was really surprising how well he played. But if you are actually angry at Tim Tebow, feel the need to criticize him, make jokes at his expense and don’t feel happy that he has defied the odds this season than you are a scumbag. By all accounts this dude is an amazing human being. However, I get that feeling. I feel the same way about most people who have a seemingly perfect life[3]. The reason for that is simple; I’m a jerk who hates himself and others.

So instead, we look up to and praise assholes. These same Steeler fans that talk shit on Tebow will admire Ben Roethlisberger. So people will choose to have a more positive reaction to someone who tries to finger blast 20 year olds in a bathroom against their will while Tebow is hand feeding African babies on his latest missionary trip. Ohhhh Tom Brady is so good, greatest ever, such a champion, etc. You know what else he’s good at? Dumping his third trimester preggo girlfriend for a supermodel and then leaving her to raise the kid without his influence. The inside scoop is he doesn’t even send birthday cards. Who else; Jordan[4], Tiger[5], Danica Patrick[6], Federer[7], JoePa[8]?

Now a Gallup poll recently did cite him as the 11^th most admired person. However, let’s take a quick look at those ahead of him: Obama (cop out answer), George Bush (no comment), Bill Clinton (if it was a “most creative use of cigar” poll maybe), Reverend Billy Graham (go fuck yourself), Warren Buffet (way to go out on a limb with richest, oldest, white guy), Newt Gingrich (e-mail divorces his cancer stricken wife), Donald Trump (dickheadishly telling people their fired on national television was his best business decision), Pope Benedict (legit), Bill Gates (middle aged rich white guy who ripped off now dead guys ideas), and Thomas Monson (thinks the Garden of Eden is in Jackson County Missouri). I’d say you can’t trust that poll.

So my point is this; let’s stop the hating and just feel good for a good person. The only way you can do that is stop hating ourselves or people we can’t relate to. There’s been a lot of discussion about resolutions. Mine is to stop being so negative. I guess it starts with liking Tebow. Anyone else care to join me? If not, I heard Tebow is giving out ham sandwiches. After all, God never said anything about hand jobs.[9]

           -Written by Josh

[1] If you live in Pittsburgh and are sober, I’d like to know when your last phlebotomy was.

[2] Incidentally, this makes me realize that I have very few friends who live outside of Pittsburgh, which in turn makes me incredibly sad.

[3] Or just those who wake up with 1. Clothes on 2. Knowing where they are and 3. Without a dick drawn in sharpie on their forehead

[4] Probably got his dad killed over gambling debt

[5] How did that work out?

[6] She should be Eight Belles euthanized every time she finishes 32^nd and then strips down to promote a domain name website. I mean seriously, godaddy? Cunt

[7] Hasn’t secret bank accounts taught us not to trust the Swiss?

[8] Gonna die soon

[9] Ok, I needed to take one cheap shot

Construction Ahead - But For How Long?

                  They say, "nothing is certain but death and taxes." Whoever they are, should add construction to that little quip. There is always construction. They're improving the roads, building new offices, fixing this and that. It never ends. I've been looking at the same construction signs, same construction trucks and the same construction traffic since I moved down to Virginia a year and a half ago. What's the deal?

                  Has anyone seen the time-lapse video from China? As if we shouldn't fear them already; there is a video of a Chinese firm called the Broad Group building an entire hotel in 15 days. That's right, 30 stories, 183,000 square feet. All built in 360 hours. They worked in shifts and never stopped until the job was done. Are you kidding me? I've seen PENN DOT take more than 15 days to fix a STOP sign. OK, that's an exaggeration. But an entire hotel building in half a month? That's crazy, and we should wake up and smell the won ton soup.

                  You saw the opening ceremonies of the Olympics right? That kind of control over a massive amount of people (troops) is hard to ignore. Not only can they put on a great show, they have groups that organize waves of construction workers to work non-stop for 15 days. Let me ask you this; do you think we could pull off something like that here in America? Do you think we could organize 3 shifts of hundreds of workers to complete a project in 15 days without stopping? No sick days, no vacation time, no weekends, no crying, no laziness, no bullshit. What do you think?

                I'd love to sit here and write to you that I do believe we could handle that. However, I'd be lying and you deserve better. I'll blog another time about how we have a false sense of entitlement and how this country is headed straight into the shitter. For now, let's sit back and enjoy this video. It shows you what's possible when we, as Humans, are all focused on one goal. The possibilities are endless when we put aside our petty differences and get to work, together!

               Can you imagine where our country could be if we focused our efforts and worked together? It's pretty crazy if you really think about it. It's a damn shame that politics and greed won't allow that to happen. So fuck it. I'll head down to Chinatown and erect my own building, if you know what I mean. Then I'll get some homeless bum to give me a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. And a bag of chips!

 Here is the video, check it out.    http://youtu.be/Hdpf-MQM9vY

                 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - It's Time to Step Up or Shut Up & Dip

It’s Time to Step Up or Shut Up & Dip

For my first post of 2012, I am going to talk about my New Year’s resolutions. I’ve already seen my friends get into the spirit. Stains has decided to call everyone “asshole” and avoid the gym in 2012. Henny has decided to call everyone “fuckos” and might even decide to grace us with his literary presence a little more often on his own blog. It seems every slap dick by my work has decided to join my gym, which is amusing since they will quit in two weeks and also frustrating since they are hogging up all the equipment I use. Anyway, as for me, I am either getting a new job or joining a rugby club, both if possible.

As for the new job, I am not gonna bore you with all the details as 94% of Americans hate their job (I am assuming pimps, cameramen in porn, and backup catchers make up the other 6%). I realize hearing people complain about their jobs is just like hearing people complain about their fantasy football teams: nobody besides you fucking cares. Long story short, I’m sick of everything associated with my job, and the only way I could be happier within my company is to transfer away from the region. I don’t want to do that; I finally memorized all the bar specials in the DC area. Faithful readers of HJFHS, if you know of anyone looking for someone with a management/marketing degree with sales and management experience, holla at your Boyd. You’re damn right I’m pimping myself out.

As for the rugby club, it’s been too long. Since I graduated college, I’ve played in two alumni rugby games and played one B side half, drunk (B side is the equivalent to a JV game). Other than that, I’ve competed in the following sports in a rec league or weekly among friends: kickball, dodgeball, volleyball, pickup basketball, flag football, and softball. While I’ve had fun with those sports, it’s not real serious. I miss the hard work and the effort needed to win your week’s game. I miss hitting someone. I miss the rugby chants and songs. I miss getting trucked by a runner and getting my bell rung (as weird as that seems.) Any nagging injuries I had in the past seem to have gone away. Plus, I live an area where there are about four men’s clubs within a 20 minute radius. It’s as if I am going out of my way not to play.

Would I be able to play today? No fucking way. I am in decent cardiovascular shape, but not where I would need to be for an 80 minute rugby game. I could improve my lifting schedule. The good thing is I am not completely out of shape and I have the time to get there. Competitive rugby starts in September. That’s almost nine months to get into playing shape. I’ve been there before. I can be there again. As much as I enjoy abusing all-you-can-drink ND football specials while seeing my friends mack bitches and tell me drunken stories of girls who squirt, I’m ready to give that all up to get back on the pitch and scrum down. If I come back, I’m prepared to give it 100%.

If I can do both, I’ll do both. Otherwise, I’ll take the new job and pursue my other bullshit sports. Or, I’ll play rugby and take the hatred of my job on the opposing team. Either way, it’s to change it up in 2012.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

New Year's Resolution - Is It Our Last?

               Happy New Year! It's 2012 now and from what people are saying, this will be our last year on Earth. If ever there was a year to really make your resolution count, this is it. Or is it? If we're all going to die in December, what's the point of doing anything? Or should we take this opportunity to do all the things we really wanted to do before we die? That decision is up to you. I put this Mayan calendar bullshit in the same boat as Y2K and the Rapture. You know what I do with that boat? Nothing. I don't care about anything in it so why bother? The point I want to make is; whether you believe the hype or not, use this New Year to make a positive change in your life.

                I hear a lot of people saying that if you want to make a change in your life you shouldn't have to use the New Year to spark your motivation. You should just do it, no matter what the date is. Well, you know what I have to say about that?

               Get off your high horse and join the rest of the world down here on the ground. We've been using the New Year to make resolutions since I can remember remembering things. And sometimes people just need that event to light a fire under their ass and make a change. So don't act like you're better than everyone else. A resolution worth making should take some serious consideration. It should be something that really changes your life for the better. And if it's that serious it needs a starting point. Why not use the New Year?

                The only problem you need to worry about is your New Year's Resolution turning into the new treadmill you bought last year. You know what I mean. It's nice and shiny when you first get it, it works out great for a couple weeks, then it gets covered with laundry and never used again. So I'll revisit this in February to keep you on track. Here is a little saying I use when it's appropriate and that time is now.

              "Anything worth doing is worth doing right." I can't remember where I first heard that. Maybe I came up with it? Either way, it makes sense. Take the resolution you made a couple days ago, write it down, post it up somewhere and make it happen. Whether it's as small as working out once a week, or as big as changing your career to something you love. If you want to do it, do it right! And make sure you see it all the way through. You're going to hate the feeling you have if you waste another year NOT doing what you said you were going to. Trust me. Especially if it's going to be your last. One of my smaller resolutions for 2012 is to show a little compassion when I get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from the bums behind the Taco Bell. I'll start by throwing in a bag of chips. Happy New Year!

               

You Can't Avoid Boyd - 2011-The Good, The Bad, The Winehouse

2011-The Good, the Bad, the Winehouse

The world will end in December 2012, according to John Cusack and those zany Mayans. With the Earth’s demise approaching, this could be my last time I can do a year in review on this blog. Let’s get to it.

The Good- I know a lot of people find baseball boring as shit, but this year was pretty exciting. The last day of the regular season saw two teams, who were left for dead in early September, clinch playoff spots. One of those teams, the St. Louis Cardinals, won the World Series, despite being down to their final strike twice in Game 6. While many predicted a boring World Series, it was anything but.

The Bad- I covered the NFL lockout extensively on this blog, but they got their shit together and didn’t miss any regular season games. We are approaching the final week of the season and no one can complain about the quality of play (unless you cheer for the Redskins.) However, the NBA was in the same boat and handled it ten times worse. The players and owners both knew there was going to be a lockout, but decided they wanted to get in a pissing contest over several months. By the end of it, both sides agreed to a deal that neither is really happy with. An 82-game season turned into a 66-game season in order to start on Christmas and not push the playoffs into July, with a shortened training camp and off days sacrificed. Already, we are seeing teams with new players struggling as they have no chemistry and it should get interesting when older/injury-prone players attempt to play their third game in as many nights.

The Winehouse- Can old white guys stop diddling kids? Seriously. Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Fine, Bill Conlin, insert the name of the next geriatric fuckhead to be named later. This is a disturbing trend and needs to be stopped immediately. If these guys are frisky, get with someone your own age consensually. Feel free to eat canned tuna off the bottom shelf. That’s what my friends do and they seem happy.

The Good- In the world of television, “Boardwalk Empire” might have taken a step back from a great first season, but still delivered a solid encore. “Parks and Recreation” has received critical acclaim by relevant publications (Entertainment Weekly, Time) and irrelevant sacks of shit (Hennessy) over the past year. “24/7 Road to the Winter Classic” has continued its awesome in-depth coverage of two NHL teams preparing for their New Year’s Day game outdoors and “30 Rock” was finally syndicated, allowing us to see the earlier episodes most people missed before the show became known.

The Bad- “Friday Night Lights”. By no means am I going to trash this show as I thought it was great from beginning to end. However, it’s crazy in this day and age for a show to leave on a successful run. It appeared to have a great formula as it replaced cast members regularly to keep the show fresh. Yet, great shows end prematurely while the networks shove other garbage down our throats. I feel like Red in “Shawshank Redemption” once Andy escapes. I’m happy for the show to go out on its own terms but I’m just sad I lost my friend. “The Office” has declined tremendously. It lost its main star, but it still had time to replace him. Instead, they half-assed it with the completely bizarre Robert California character, who has his moments but gets dull quickly. Last, shame on you FOX for pulling the plug on “Chicago Code”. It had potential, but you bailed on it immediately. You should have given it a full season before cancelling it.

The Winehouse- Reality shows. The Kardashians and the “Jersey Shore” crew keep getting more famous despite their antics dumbing down America. As someone who ashamedly watches “Jersey Shore”, the thought of Snooki being a multi-millionaire while I struggle to find a decent job often provides the fuel I need to cry myself to sleep.

The Good- All throughout Christmas, there were stories of real life Santas saving Christmas for several families. All throughout the U.S., anonymous donors were donating money to pay off layaway bills. For those of you unfamiliar, buying on layaway means retail stores will reserve your item until you pay the item off. There are usually terms for how much time you have for this and if you can pay off the item in the appropriate time, the item goes back on the sale shelf while the partial payment is returned. During this tough economy, many were buying their presents on layaway, hoping to pay it off by Christmas. While they were struggling to pay off their bills, many received surprising phone calls from the stores on how their bill was settled.

2011 has come and gone. Hopefully, I’ll be around this blog at this time next year, reviewing 2012 and calling the Mayans a bunch of lying cunts

                       -Written by Marcus Boyd