You Can't Avoid Boyd

Anthony & Clemens to Prosecution: “Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks”

I am currently unsatisfied with my job. Apparently, there is a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at the bar. Upon searching for a new career, perhaps I should open it up to jobs outside the business world. Studying law could be an option. Sure, my knowledge in this field is relegated to “My Cousin Vinny”, “Law & Order”, and Charlie Kelly’s expertise in Bird Law, but given the performance of the prosecution in two recent notable trials, I might actually be overqualified in becoming a lawyer.

Casey Anthony. Some call her hot, most call her a baby killer, but not the Florida jury in her case. I won’t go into detail too much as Pat already covered this subject earlier in the month (http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2011/07/anything-you-can-do-i-can-do-better.html). Listening to a juror speak out immediately after the case, she admitted a not guilty verdict did not mean Anthony was innocent. However, without a body or an established cause of death, it would be hard to deem Anthony guilty, especially when the prosecution was seeking the death penalty. There was a concern that the prosecution might be better off seeking a life sentence in this trial. If they did, the jury may have been convinced to convict Anthony to life in prison, where the truth may actually be determined down the road. Instead, the 12 person jury felt it did not have enough evidence to sentence a potentially innocent woman to her death. While most of America believes Casey pulled an OJ, the prosecution may have overplayed their hand by seeking the stronger penalty.

Roger Clemens. One of the greatest pitchers of our generation has always been rumored to use steroids after his transformation from an overweight washout of the Boston Red Sox to the best pitcher in baseball for the Toronto Blue Jays in the mid 1990s. After being named in the Mitchell Report and sworn affidavits from former teammates as a steroid user, Clemens denied this under oath before Congress. His statements were passed along to the Justice Department, hinting Roger may have committed perjury. In August 2010, he was indicted on six counts relating to perjury, with his case being tried in July 2011. The prosecution had almost a full year to build their case against the pitcher. After spending a lot of time and money on their case, the prosecution made it to Day 2 in the trial before it fucked up so royally, the judge was forced to declare a mistrial. The prosecution had mentioned during the opening statements about testimony from a witness’ wife. The judge reprimanded the prosecution, citing this hearsay had been ruled inadmissible prior to the trial. On the second day, the prosecution ignored this and proceeded to air the inadmissible testimony on a television monitor. The judge, for lack of a better judiciary term, lost his shit and ended the trail 48 hours after it started. Due to the double jeopardy rule, Clemens might not face these perjury charges again. Clemens is currently a free man and can resume living his normal lifestyle (http://deadspin.com/5142053/roger-clemens-will-be-ready-to-pitchright-after-his-sadomasochistic-rubdown).

It might seem unfair to compare the lawyers in each case. The Anthony prosecution presented a strong case. Until the ruling, no one would have argued this. Unfortunately, they lost a case that most would feel was pretty winnable. The Clemens prosecution made “first-year law mistakes” from the get-go. These might be the worst lawyers in America and/or the biggest Clemens fans. I don’t even think they are qualified to defend themselves in Judge Judy’s courtroom, much less practice law in a federal courtroom.

At the end of the day, Casey Anthony and Roger Clemens got to walk off into the sunset as free people. It is possible neither of them has killed their two-year-old child or took performance enhancing drugs. However, both had strong cases against them. Fortunately for them, one prosecution couldn’t prove Casey should be sentenced to death while the other prosecution couldn’t get their head out of their asses to present the admissible evidence it had against Roger. I would weep for our future, but I don’t want to piss off any law firms that are looking for overzealous, incompetent attorneys. I still need a job.

        -Written by Marcus Boyd

Behind the Glitz and Glam of the Pros

             Professional athletes, for the most part, have an incredible life. They get to play the game they love, for a living. They get paid extremely well. Because they have money and women are shallow, they usually have hot girlfriends/wives. In some of the better cases (Tony Parker) they have a beautiful wife, then leave her for a younger and more beautiful model girlfriend. Sounds like the American Dream to me. Too bad he's French. Anyway, that's the life for most of the professional athletes of today's biggest sports. However, we can't appreciate the good without the bad. Not all athletes have the perfect life, my friend, I tell you that right now. (Re-read last sentence in Andrew "Dice" Clay's voice)

             Lamar Odom plays professional basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers, for the less sports savvy out there, he is married to Chloe Kardashian. Lamar makes great money playing the game that helped him through his very troubled past. His mother passed away when he was in grade school and his father was a heroin addict. It's safe to say, he spent a lot of time at Grandma's house growing up. Basketball was his way to escape and it led him to a very successful career so far. The Lakers might be able to win another championship while he is still there, so who knows how great his numbers could be. But, what did I say in the opener? We can't appreciate the good without the bad.

            To recap, Lamar lost his mother while in grade school. There were no "father of the year" awards on the mantel. In 2006, he lost his youngest son to SIDS. And with a nice big (emphasis on big) cherry on top, he's married to the wrong Kardashian. But wait, there's more! (Re-read last sentence as the late Billy Mays) Last Thursday, Lamar Odom rented a car service to get around the Big Apple. No big story really, athletes rent cars all the time. It wasn't his fault the car he rented felt like crashing into a motorcycle. The motorcyclist is fine. Unfortunately the bike he was riding decided to hug a 15 year old boy minding his own business. The boy later died from the injuries. Talk about bad luck. It wasn't his fault, he was just renting a car service while it town. Did I mention he was in NYC for his cousin's funeral? Well after that rather horrible week, I'd say he had a few reasons to day drink that weekend.

           Do you know the worst part? Lamar isn't the only athlete to be involved in the accidental death of an innocent person. Oh yea, it happens in baseball too. Does everyone know Josh Hamilton? He's a baseball player for the Texas Rangers. A pretty good one at that. Well, he went on a one man killing spree a few weeks ago at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, Texas. During the game he saw a nice young father with his six year old son. Next time he got the opportunity he decided to give the fans a little souvenir. I'm sure he didn't plan what happened next but it was epic. He short-armed it to the fan, who when reaching for the poorly thrown ball, fell over the railing to his death. I'll give you a chance to think about that. This guy was at a baseball game with his son, reached for a baseball tossed by an All-Star Outfielder and fell to his death. If you're anything like me, I know what you're thinking. What did the kid do with the ball?

            I guess the point is, be grateful for what you have. Even the guys with all the money have shitty things happen to them. Unfortunately, with all the success stories flaunted in our face, the bad stuff seems few and far between. That may be true but just know this. No one is safe when professional athletes go on completely unplanned rampages of death. They are bigger and stronger than the average person and have the drive and motivation to unwillingly kill whoever they want. So, be careful out there. And next time you think you're life sucks and you'd rather be a pro, make sure you have the mental toughness to deal with the grief of offing a spectator. It's not all rainbows and gum drops in the world of professional sports.

            When I read stories like this, I'm reminded these guys are still human beings. They aren't immune to anything and sometimes they get caught up in some crazy shit. The fact that they're famous just means we get to hear all about it. Of course I'd still rather be a professional basketball player and deal with the risk of accidental murder. I'm just saying, I can also appreciate what I've got going. Even though I get Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches behind (insert favorite gas station here) every other night.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

O Captain, My Captain

It was as if I was a movie theater on Saturday afternoon, watching the latest sports cinematic thriller. Derek Jeter, in his 1^st at bat as a member of 2,999 hit club, dug in against Tampa Bay Rays ace, David Price, after working this sequence to a full count. On the eighth pitch of the at bat, Jeter put Price’s slider into the left field stands, becoming the 28^th member of the 3,000 hit club (only the 2^nd to do so via a home run.) If it were a movie, the home run would have won the game, the home run would have shattered some lights, and he would have been congratulated afterwards by his girlfriend, Minka Kelly (played in the movie by Minka Kelly), and his father, Dr. Charles Jeter (played by Morgan Freeman). Instead, it tied the game at one in the bottom of the 3^rd and was eventually won by the Yankees after a Jeter RBI single. It was truly one of the many days I’ve been proud to cheer on the Yankee shortstop.

The naysayers say that Jeter is an overrated shortstop. They question his defense and believe the New York media has made him a superstar, not his merit. As a person who has followed him his entire career, I can honestly say he is one of the greatest shortstops in the history of baseball. He is not the best, but I would choose him over any other shortstop in his prime. 3,000 hits speaks volumes as that is one of the last remaining benchmark numbers still remaining in baseball. Out of the 28 members of the 3,000 hit club, only four are not in the Hall of Fame. Two are currently ineligible (Jeter won’t be eligible until five years after his retirement, Craig Biggio won’t be eligible until 2012), Pete Rose knew too much about trifectas and parlays and has earned a lifetime ban from baseball, and Rafael Palmeiro has a failed steroid test despite assurances to Congress he was clean holding up his chances to Cooperstown.

I believe Jeter was a good defensive shortstop, but has regressed with age. I know the numbers in the advanced defensive statistics don’t speak positively, but there was a day when a grounder in the hole meant a Web Gem, not a base hit. Unfortunately, only porn stars, catchers, and basketball centers age worse than shortstops. Still, Jeter plays a respectable short, even at the age of 37.

The man dubbed “Mr. November” has shown in his career that he is clutch. From 1998 on, Jeter was the man you wanted to see at the plate in a tight situation as a Yankee fan. You might see the occasional long ball, but you knew he would hit a single to right field with his typical inside-out swing. I know compared to others, his offensive numbers in clutch situations don’t stand out over any other Yankee, but it seemed Jeter never let down his team or fans when the pressure was the highest. I will never forget his home run on Opening Day his rookie season in Cleveland, his back flip to Posada to get Jeremy Giambi out at home in Oakland in the playoffs, him face planting into the stands after a running catch against the Red Sox in the Bronx, or his walk-off in the first ever World Series game played in November.

My dad says that Mickey Mantle was one the greatest baseball player he ever saw. He was a very good player based on his lifetime numbers, but came up short compared to others. Granted, his career was affected by injuries (he tore up his knee in 1951 and it never healed properly. Today, he would have had ACL surgery and been good to go after six months) and his social life (knowing his family’s history with cancer, he partied like Charlie Sheen figuring he would eventually succumb to Hodgkin’s. He never got cancer, just the effects of alcohol abuse), but in his heyday, he was the one you wanted to see in a big spot. I have the same appreciation of Jeter. The numbers may not support it, but he is one of the greatest baseball players I have ever witnessed.

He is a home-grown talent who has only worn the Yankees uniform in his professional career and has been a key member to five championship teams. Also, it doesn’t hurt that his black book looks like “Maxim’s 100 Hottest Females” and has earned over nine figures from contracts and endorsements. As a sports fan, there is nothing more I could ask for. Cheering on an athlete who is loyal and gives his all. Derek Jeter, I look forward to seeing your speech in Cooperstown.

                 -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

           Good morning and happy Wednesday. My Words of Wisdom for this week are up to date and right on the money. It all came to me this weekend after the Yankees game where one of their players entered some club about hits. We both know what I'm talking about, I just hate the Yankees. Anyway, my Words of Wisdom are to the fan that caught the home-run, and to anyone else who might get put in a similar situation. Do not try to do the right thing when it comes to professional athletes and memorabilia.

           Let's say you caught a historic home-run ball at a baseball game. What would you do? Would you take it home and wait for the offers to pour in? That's what I would do. These players make stupid amounts of money and will pay top dollar for shit like that. Even if the player doesn't want to pay for it, there are thousands of collectors out there with too much money that are more than willing to shell out some serious dough for this kind of stuff. The smart thing to do here is take the ball home and start getting your bills together. Do some research and find out your price floor, meaning the price you won't go lower than. I would hope you don't have a price ceiling, you can accept as much as anyone is willing to pay. The point is, you need to take the smart road here and get as much money as possible.

            Words of Wisdom, look out for number one and get that money. Opportunities like this don't come around that often, if at all. You need to be completely selfish here and get as much money out of the deal as possible. Don't try to be the ultimate fan and give the ball back. Trust me, you'll do much better off in the open market selling to the highest bidder.
 
           The fan that caught the Yankee ball decided to be the "good guy" and give the ball back. He was rewarded with free tickets for the rest of the season, signed bats and whatnot. Not a bad deal I suppose. Oh I forgot to mention that the ball he caught would have been worth at least $250,000. Yes, $250,000. I'll let you imagine what he could have bought with all that money.

            That's not the only thing. He might end up paying around $14,000 in taxes if the IRS decides to consider the stuff he received as income. These are all estimates of course. The tickets are valued between 45 and 74 thousand dollars alone. So this guy doing the right thing could end up costing him over 10 thousand dollars. So again, my Words of Wisdom are DO NOT do the right thing when it comes to professional athletes and sports memorabilia.

            What would you have done in this situation? If the answer is anything other than "get that money, get that money, get that money!" You don't listen and should really look into that. In the meantime I'm going to do the right thing and feed a poor homeless man a Ham Sandwich. If you're asking, "what else are you going to do?" My answer is always "get that Hand-job!" So don't you worry!

Where Do Nice Guys Finish?

          I'm sure you've all heard the saying "nice guys finish last." Well there have been some conflicting arguments on this subject recently that prompted me to speak on it. Having been the "nice guy" in the past I have a pretty strong opinion on this matter.

           First we need to know who the "nice guy" is. The nice guy is the one who calls back after a first date. He is the guy who opens doors, and pulls out chairs. When you girls have a rough day, he's the one who genuinely cares and tries to make things better for you. He treats you with respect and talks to you like a woman. He likes to hear from you and will initiate conversation just because. He is also the one who will walk his drunken friend home and not take advantage of them. Some people call this guy a pussy, but he's just a nice guy. Does he sound familiar?

           Now ladies, doesn't that sound like the kind of guy you'd like to end up with? He seems like a pretty good catch to me. It's almost a no-brainer. However, speaking of no-brainers, girls don't like the "nice guy." You'll hear over and over how there are no nice guys out there and that men are such assholes. I know why, and I'd like to drop some truth on you.

           Nice guys are all over the place. Some of them might not be acting that way now, because they've been the nice guy for too long. A man can only take so much abuse. After being walked on over and over they are forced to change. They are forced to become an asshole. You know why? Because that's all you girls respond to.

           As I said before, I've been the nice guy, and for a long time. I was taken for granted and walked all over and it wasn't fun. So I had to change my ways out of necessity. Unfortunately for the nice guy, even the transformation doesn't last forever. Eventually the "nice guy" inside will come out again and guess what happens? The same shit. A lot of the guys you see as an asshole are only that way temporarily. When they get comfortable enough to be themselves again, the nice guy will come back out. It's just a shame that history repeats itself and he'll be putting up with the same treatment before long. Now, there are exceptions to this but they are few and far between. So if you are one of those rare girls that appreciates the nice guy, don't freak out. You are the exception.

           Next time you hear a woman say, "men are assholes, where are all the nice guys?" Let her know, kindly of course, that women are the reason men are assholes. It's out of pure necessity that men act the way they act. Do you think I'd be able to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich if I was nice about it? Absolutely not!

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Hot Dogs

There is not a prouder day to be an American than on July 4^th, Independence Day. Honoring all of the U.S. troops for everything they have sacrificed and their on-going efforts to protect our freedom, enjoying a day of barbecue with friends and loved ones, culminating with a sky full of fireworks. Luckily, we have one more American tradition to observe on this important date, watching Joey Chestnut eat a shitload of hot dogs.

Starting in 1916, Nathan’s Hot Dog stand in Coney Island, NY has been the host to the famous hot dog eating competition every Fourth of July. The competition was relatively under the radar until two things happened: Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 hot dogs in 2001 (doubling the event record at the time) and ESPN started broadcasting the event in 2004. Since then, this event has become a national event. Three moments stand out for me about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest:

1. Kobayashi dominated the event from 2001 to 2005, winning each year by a huge margin. In 2006, Kobayashi won again, but only beat 2^nd place finisher Joey Chestnut by two hot dogs. Americans knew if there was any chance to have a local win this event, Chestnut was our only hope. In 2007, Chestnut bested Kobayashi to win his first of five consecutive Nathan’s events.

2. In 2010, Chestnut won again, but without Kobayashi competing. Due to a new rule at the event, only competitors signed with Major League Eating could compete. Afterwards, Kobayashi, in attendance as a spectator as he refused to sign a contract, kamikazied his way on stage after Chestnut won for reasons unknown and was later arrested for resisting arrest and trespassing.

3. Every other year where some guy ate more hot dogs than some other guys/girls.

Some of you might be genuinely shocked that Marcus Boyd is writing about something as trivial as competitive eating, but I still choose to dedicate my weekly blog post to it for two reasons: Americans can’t get enough of it and some consider this a sport.

Don’t think we enjoy watching competitive eating? Adam Richman is a celebrity for going around the U.S. and taking on eating challenges, of either the spicy or volume variety. He now hosts a show where he picks and trains a local resident to take on a specific eating challenge. It also seems every restaurant/bar has an eating challenge these days, in order to capitalize on the “Man vs. Food” craze. I’ve gotten swept up in it and now have a free t-shirt from Hamilton’s (http://hamiltonsdc.com/menu.html) after I dominated their “Fat Boy Burger Challenge”. To quote my celebrity twin, in the everlasting quest between burger and man, the Fat Boy may have defeated many, but on that glorious night, the Fat Boy had no chance on Boyd. Boyd 1, food 0.

As for competitive eating being a sport, some will argue that it is and some will argue “No fucking way”. I view competitive eating as I view golf, NASCAR, horse racing, and cheerleading. It’s not a sport but it is a specialized skill. Not everyone can do it at a competitive level, but in no way does it make a sport. At the same time, I can appreciate Rory McIlroy shooting under par for four rounds at the U.S. Open, just like I can appreciate Jimmie Johnson winning the Sprint Cup Series for the fifth straight year or Joey Chestnut trying to set the world record for eating ham sandwiches. They all involve hard work and dedication to their respective crafts. At the same time, I will not be comparing them to Gretzky or Jordan ever.

Joey Chestnut , continue consuming 20,000 calories in 10 minutes, while living the American dream. God bless you and God bless America!

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better!

            O.J Simpson was an amazing football player back in the day and set records as a running back at USC and eventually with the Buffalo Bills. O.J.'s nickname was "the juice" and if you have to ask why, stop reading this and flush your head in the toilet because you're an idiot. Anyway, back in 1994 "the juice" was accused of killing his wife and her lover leading to one of the most famous police chases of all time. The chase interrupted the 1994 NBA Finals as his white Ford Bronco slowly eluded police down Interstate 405. Long story short he hired one of the best lawyers of all time, Johnnie Cochran, and was found "not guilty" on both counts of murder. This was one of the most watched and controversial courtroom rulings in America's history. Apparently, anything you can do I can do better.
            I'm sure you're aware of the very televised and controversial case that has been going on for the past couple of weeks involving Casey Anthony. She was charged with the murder of her two year old daughter, Caylee. I'm not going to get into the specifics of the trial, because I have to admit, I wasn't watching it. I would get periodic updates from Yahoo or check out the news for a recap. The point is, everyone who was watching that case seemed to draw their own conclusion. And much like the O.J. trial, everyone was left disappointed.

            She was acquitted on the various counts of killing her daughter and all felonies that went along with that. She was found guilty on four counts of giving false information to a police officer. That misdemeanor carries a maximum sentence of ONE year per count. That's a possible four years that she could be sentenced to prison. Oh, I forgot to mention, she gets credit for the three years she already spent in prison since she was arrested. So if you want me to do the math for you, she could end up spending ONE year in prison for the "alleged" murder of her two year old daughter. ONE year.

            Without going into too much detail here, she was accused of smothering her child with duct tape and driving around for a couple days with her in the trunk. Then dumping the body in the woods near her house. Casey said her daughter was kidnapped by a nannie which started an all out search for poor little girl. Her remains were found in the woods with duct tape hanging from her skull. Now I understand the legal process and reasonable doubt and all that jazz, but you have to be kidding me.

            Is our legal system that messed up? Have we read into past trials and legal precedents too much? A fair trial is one thing, but this is ridiculous. That woman sat there for over six weeks while this trial went on and was somehow able to sleep every night. I don't care what the jury said, that bitch is guilty and our justice system is fucking up! This shouldn't have even went to trial. When they found the remains of her two year old daughter with fucking duct tape on her head, Casey should have been taken to the town square (or some public place, it doesn't have to be a square) and killed on the spot in front of everyone.Okay okay, I understand that sounds harsh but I can't stand when someone gets away with harming their children!
 
           I just think our justice system is too complicated for it's own good. The real evidence is looked over with such a fine tooth comb that the most irrelevant piece can sabotage the whole thing. The prosecution said that if the little girl was found earlier, meaning she wasn't dry bones, they would have been able to prove Casey was at fault. Because it took so long to recover the remains this crazy murdering bitch might only serve one year in prison.

           That's not all. The defense said Caylee died in an accidental drowning. Accidental drowning? A two year accidentally drowning means the mother wasn't being a MOTHER. That should be grounds enough to throw here in jail for longer than ONE year. It's a scary world when someone can harm their child, get on TV, then just go home like nothing happened. Yes, one year in prison is walking away like nothing happened. I just hope this whole Karma thing is real and this C-word gets what she deserves.

           A reporter from an unnamed news source reported that after Casey left the courthouse she called O.J. in prison and said "Anything you can do, I can do better." Fucking ridiculous.

           I was behind the Gas n' Go about to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich when I heard about this. I gave the bum the ham sandwich and just walked away at half mast. A damn shame.