You Can't Avoid Boyd

O Captain, My Captain

It was as if I was a movie theater on Saturday afternoon, watching the latest sports cinematic thriller. Derek Jeter, in his 1^st at bat as a member of 2,999 hit club, dug in against Tampa Bay Rays ace, David Price, after working this sequence to a full count. On the eighth pitch of the at bat, Jeter put Price’s slider into the left field stands, becoming the 28^th member of the 3,000 hit club (only the 2^nd to do so via a home run.) If it were a movie, the home run would have won the game, the home run would have shattered some lights, and he would have been congratulated afterwards by his girlfriend, Minka Kelly (played in the movie by Minka Kelly), and his father, Dr. Charles Jeter (played by Morgan Freeman). Instead, it tied the game at one in the bottom of the 3^rd and was eventually won by the Yankees after a Jeter RBI single. It was truly one of the many days I’ve been proud to cheer on the Yankee shortstop.

The naysayers say that Jeter is an overrated shortstop. They question his defense and believe the New York media has made him a superstar, not his merit. As a person who has followed him his entire career, I can honestly say he is one of the greatest shortstops in the history of baseball. He is not the best, but I would choose him over any other shortstop in his prime. 3,000 hits speaks volumes as that is one of the last remaining benchmark numbers still remaining in baseball. Out of the 28 members of the 3,000 hit club, only four are not in the Hall of Fame. Two are currently ineligible (Jeter won’t be eligible until five years after his retirement, Craig Biggio won’t be eligible until 2012), Pete Rose knew too much about trifectas and parlays and has earned a lifetime ban from baseball, and Rafael Palmeiro has a failed steroid test despite assurances to Congress he was clean holding up his chances to Cooperstown.

I believe Jeter was a good defensive shortstop, but has regressed with age. I know the numbers in the advanced defensive statistics don’t speak positively, but there was a day when a grounder in the hole meant a Web Gem, not a base hit. Unfortunately, only porn stars, catchers, and basketball centers age worse than shortstops. Still, Jeter plays a respectable short, even at the age of 37.

The man dubbed “Mr. November” has shown in his career that he is clutch. From 1998 on, Jeter was the man you wanted to see at the plate in a tight situation as a Yankee fan. You might see the occasional long ball, but you knew he would hit a single to right field with his typical inside-out swing. I know compared to others, his offensive numbers in clutch situations don’t stand out over any other Yankee, but it seemed Jeter never let down his team or fans when the pressure was the highest. I will never forget his home run on Opening Day his rookie season in Cleveland, his back flip to Posada to get Jeremy Giambi out at home in Oakland in the playoffs, him face planting into the stands after a running catch against the Red Sox in the Bronx, or his walk-off in the first ever World Series game played in November.

My dad says that Mickey Mantle was one the greatest baseball player he ever saw. He was a very good player based on his lifetime numbers, but came up short compared to others. Granted, his career was affected by injuries (he tore up his knee in 1951 and it never healed properly. Today, he would have had ACL surgery and been good to go after six months) and his social life (knowing his family’s history with cancer, he partied like Charlie Sheen figuring he would eventually succumb to Hodgkin’s. He never got cancer, just the effects of alcohol abuse), but in his heyday, he was the one you wanted to see in a big spot. I have the same appreciation of Jeter. The numbers may not support it, but he is one of the greatest baseball players I have ever witnessed.

He is a home-grown talent who has only worn the Yankees uniform in his professional career and has been a key member to five championship teams. Also, it doesn’t hurt that his black book looks like “Maxim’s 100 Hottest Females” and has earned over nine figures from contracts and endorsements. As a sports fan, there is nothing more I could ask for. Cheering on an athlete who is loyal and gives his all. Derek Jeter, I look forward to seeing your speech in Cooperstown.

                 -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

           Good morning and happy Wednesday. My Words of Wisdom for this week are up to date and right on the money. It all came to me this weekend after the Yankees game where one of their players entered some club about hits. We both know what I'm talking about, I just hate the Yankees. Anyway, my Words of Wisdom are to the fan that caught the home-run, and to anyone else who might get put in a similar situation. Do not try to do the right thing when it comes to professional athletes and memorabilia.

           Let's say you caught a historic home-run ball at a baseball game. What would you do? Would you take it home and wait for the offers to pour in? That's what I would do. These players make stupid amounts of money and will pay top dollar for shit like that. Even if the player doesn't want to pay for it, there are thousands of collectors out there with too much money that are more than willing to shell out some serious dough for this kind of stuff. The smart thing to do here is take the ball home and start getting your bills together. Do some research and find out your price floor, meaning the price you won't go lower than. I would hope you don't have a price ceiling, you can accept as much as anyone is willing to pay. The point is, you need to take the smart road here and get as much money as possible.

            Words of Wisdom, look out for number one and get that money. Opportunities like this don't come around that often, if at all. You need to be completely selfish here and get as much money out of the deal as possible. Don't try to be the ultimate fan and give the ball back. Trust me, you'll do much better off in the open market selling to the highest bidder.
 
           The fan that caught the Yankee ball decided to be the "good guy" and give the ball back. He was rewarded with free tickets for the rest of the season, signed bats and whatnot. Not a bad deal I suppose. Oh I forgot to mention that the ball he caught would have been worth at least $250,000. Yes, $250,000. I'll let you imagine what he could have bought with all that money.

            That's not the only thing. He might end up paying around $14,000 in taxes if the IRS decides to consider the stuff he received as income. These are all estimates of course. The tickets are valued between 45 and 74 thousand dollars alone. So this guy doing the right thing could end up costing him over 10 thousand dollars. So again, my Words of Wisdom are DO NOT do the right thing when it comes to professional athletes and sports memorabilia.

            What would you have done in this situation? If the answer is anything other than "get that money, get that money, get that money!" You don't listen and should really look into that. In the meantime I'm going to do the right thing and feed a poor homeless man a Ham Sandwich. If you're asking, "what else are you going to do?" My answer is always "get that Hand-job!" So don't you worry!

Where Do Nice Guys Finish?

          I'm sure you've all heard the saying "nice guys finish last." Well there have been some conflicting arguments on this subject recently that prompted me to speak on it. Having been the "nice guy" in the past I have a pretty strong opinion on this matter.

           First we need to know who the "nice guy" is. The nice guy is the one who calls back after a first date. He is the guy who opens doors, and pulls out chairs. When you girls have a rough day, he's the one who genuinely cares and tries to make things better for you. He treats you with respect and talks to you like a woman. He likes to hear from you and will initiate conversation just because. He is also the one who will walk his drunken friend home and not take advantage of them. Some people call this guy a pussy, but he's just a nice guy. Does he sound familiar?

           Now ladies, doesn't that sound like the kind of guy you'd like to end up with? He seems like a pretty good catch to me. It's almost a no-brainer. However, speaking of no-brainers, girls don't like the "nice guy." You'll hear over and over how there are no nice guys out there and that men are such assholes. I know why, and I'd like to drop some truth on you.

           Nice guys are all over the place. Some of them might not be acting that way now, because they've been the nice guy for too long. A man can only take so much abuse. After being walked on over and over they are forced to change. They are forced to become an asshole. You know why? Because that's all you girls respond to.

           As I said before, I've been the nice guy, and for a long time. I was taken for granted and walked all over and it wasn't fun. So I had to change my ways out of necessity. Unfortunately for the nice guy, even the transformation doesn't last forever. Eventually the "nice guy" inside will come out again and guess what happens? The same shit. A lot of the guys you see as an asshole are only that way temporarily. When they get comfortable enough to be themselves again, the nice guy will come back out. It's just a shame that history repeats itself and he'll be putting up with the same treatment before long. Now, there are exceptions to this but they are few and far between. So if you are one of those rare girls that appreciates the nice guy, don't freak out. You are the exception.

           Next time you hear a woman say, "men are assholes, where are all the nice guys?" Let her know, kindly of course, that women are the reason men are assholes. It's out of pure necessity that men act the way they act. Do you think I'd be able to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich if I was nice about it? Absolutely not!

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Hot Dogs

There is not a prouder day to be an American than on July 4^th, Independence Day. Honoring all of the U.S. troops for everything they have sacrificed and their on-going efforts to protect our freedom, enjoying a day of barbecue with friends and loved ones, culminating with a sky full of fireworks. Luckily, we have one more American tradition to observe on this important date, watching Joey Chestnut eat a shitload of hot dogs.

Starting in 1916, Nathan’s Hot Dog stand in Coney Island, NY has been the host to the famous hot dog eating competition every Fourth of July. The competition was relatively under the radar until two things happened: Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 hot dogs in 2001 (doubling the event record at the time) and ESPN started broadcasting the event in 2004. Since then, this event has become a national event. Three moments stand out for me about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest:

1. Kobayashi dominated the event from 2001 to 2005, winning each year by a huge margin. In 2006, Kobayashi won again, but only beat 2^nd place finisher Joey Chestnut by two hot dogs. Americans knew if there was any chance to have a local win this event, Chestnut was our only hope. In 2007, Chestnut bested Kobayashi to win his first of five consecutive Nathan’s events.

2. In 2010, Chestnut won again, but without Kobayashi competing. Due to a new rule at the event, only competitors signed with Major League Eating could compete. Afterwards, Kobayashi, in attendance as a spectator as he refused to sign a contract, kamikazied his way on stage after Chestnut won for reasons unknown and was later arrested for resisting arrest and trespassing.

3. Every other year where some guy ate more hot dogs than some other guys/girls.

Some of you might be genuinely shocked that Marcus Boyd is writing about something as trivial as competitive eating, but I still choose to dedicate my weekly blog post to it for two reasons: Americans can’t get enough of it and some consider this a sport.

Don’t think we enjoy watching competitive eating? Adam Richman is a celebrity for going around the U.S. and taking on eating challenges, of either the spicy or volume variety. He now hosts a show where he picks and trains a local resident to take on a specific eating challenge. It also seems every restaurant/bar has an eating challenge these days, in order to capitalize on the “Man vs. Food” craze. I’ve gotten swept up in it and now have a free t-shirt from Hamilton’s (http://hamiltonsdc.com/menu.html) after I dominated their “Fat Boy Burger Challenge”. To quote my celebrity twin, in the everlasting quest between burger and man, the Fat Boy may have defeated many, but on that glorious night, the Fat Boy had no chance on Boyd. Boyd 1, food 0.

As for competitive eating being a sport, some will argue that it is and some will argue “No fucking way”. I view competitive eating as I view golf, NASCAR, horse racing, and cheerleading. It’s not a sport but it is a specialized skill. Not everyone can do it at a competitive level, but in no way does it make a sport. At the same time, I can appreciate Rory McIlroy shooting under par for four rounds at the U.S. Open, just like I can appreciate Jimmie Johnson winning the Sprint Cup Series for the fifth straight year or Joey Chestnut trying to set the world record for eating ham sandwiches. They all involve hard work and dedication to their respective crafts. At the same time, I will not be comparing them to Gretzky or Jordan ever.

Joey Chestnut , continue consuming 20,000 calories in 10 minutes, while living the American dream. God bless you and God bless America!

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better!

            O.J Simpson was an amazing football player back in the day and set records as a running back at USC and eventually with the Buffalo Bills. O.J.'s nickname was "the juice" and if you have to ask why, stop reading this and flush your head in the toilet because you're an idiot. Anyway, back in 1994 "the juice" was accused of killing his wife and her lover leading to one of the most famous police chases of all time. The chase interrupted the 1994 NBA Finals as his white Ford Bronco slowly eluded police down Interstate 405. Long story short he hired one of the best lawyers of all time, Johnnie Cochran, and was found "not guilty" on both counts of murder. This was one of the most watched and controversial courtroom rulings in America's history. Apparently, anything you can do I can do better.
            I'm sure you're aware of the very televised and controversial case that has been going on for the past couple of weeks involving Casey Anthony. She was charged with the murder of her two year old daughter, Caylee. I'm not going to get into the specifics of the trial, because I have to admit, I wasn't watching it. I would get periodic updates from Yahoo or check out the news for a recap. The point is, everyone who was watching that case seemed to draw their own conclusion. And much like the O.J. trial, everyone was left disappointed.

            She was acquitted on the various counts of killing her daughter and all felonies that went along with that. She was found guilty on four counts of giving false information to a police officer. That misdemeanor carries a maximum sentence of ONE year per count. That's a possible four years that she could be sentenced to prison. Oh, I forgot to mention, she gets credit for the three years she already spent in prison since she was arrested. So if you want me to do the math for you, she could end up spending ONE year in prison for the "alleged" murder of her two year old daughter. ONE year.

            Without going into too much detail here, she was accused of smothering her child with duct tape and driving around for a couple days with her in the trunk. Then dumping the body in the woods near her house. Casey said her daughter was kidnapped by a nannie which started an all out search for poor little girl. Her remains were found in the woods with duct tape hanging from her skull. Now I understand the legal process and reasonable doubt and all that jazz, but you have to be kidding me.

            Is our legal system that messed up? Have we read into past trials and legal precedents too much? A fair trial is one thing, but this is ridiculous. That woman sat there for over six weeks while this trial went on and was somehow able to sleep every night. I don't care what the jury said, that bitch is guilty and our justice system is fucking up! This shouldn't have even went to trial. When they found the remains of her two year old daughter with fucking duct tape on her head, Casey should have been taken to the town square (or some public place, it doesn't have to be a square) and killed on the spot in front of everyone.Okay okay, I understand that sounds harsh but I can't stand when someone gets away with harming their children!
 
           I just think our justice system is too complicated for it's own good. The real evidence is looked over with such a fine tooth comb that the most irrelevant piece can sabotage the whole thing. The prosecution said that if the little girl was found earlier, meaning she wasn't dry bones, they would have been able to prove Casey was at fault. Because it took so long to recover the remains this crazy murdering bitch might only serve one year in prison.

           That's not all. The defense said Caylee died in an accidental drowning. Accidental drowning? A two year accidentally drowning means the mother wasn't being a MOTHER. That should be grounds enough to throw here in jail for longer than ONE year. It's a scary world when someone can harm their child, get on TV, then just go home like nothing happened. Yes, one year in prison is walking away like nothing happened. I just hope this whole Karma thing is real and this C-word gets what she deserves.

           A reporter from an unnamed news source reported that after Casey left the courthouse she called O.J. in prison and said "Anything you can do, I can do better." Fucking ridiculous.

           I was behind the Gas n' Go about to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich when I heard about this. I gave the bum the ham sandwich and just walked away at half mast. A damn shame.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Sweet Old Lady or The “Diaper Bomber”?

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has received plenty of scrutiny this past week over a June 18^th incident. According to reports, TSA officials forced a 95-year-old woman, stricken with leukemia & bound to a wheelchair, to remove her adult diapers when questions arose during her pat down at a Florida airport. The woman’s daughter, Jean Weber, filed a complaint against TSA, telling the press “It’s something I couldn’t imagine happening on American soil.” As an opinionated blogger, this stuff better happen on American soil.

On Sunday, TSA reviewed the incident and said everything was done by the book. Per protocol, they patted down the 95-year-old as all people in wheelchairs are subjected to the pat down. After determining something suspicious on her leg, they assisted the woman into a private secluded room to further continue the inspection. It said it never forced the woman (who has not had her name released) to remove her adult diaper. Weber confirmed this, saying it was her idea to remove the diaper once officials informed the pair they wouldn’t be allowed to board their flight until they can inspect her diaper. TSA allowed Weber to get her checked-in luggage as she did not bring an extra diaper with her, but she declined as she was not sure how long that would take and did not want to miss her flight. The suspicious feeling ended up being a soiled diaper. The 95-year-old was cleared by TSA officials but had to fly back to Michigan commando unfortunately.

First off, I would have viewed this ordeal as God’s way of saying “Don’t go to Michigan, ever.” Second, I have never had to be the responsible caretaker for someone who wore diapers (babies, incontinent, or elderly) before, but if I were, I’d probably keep an extra diaper or two in my carry-on bag if we were flying. Last, a lot of people are viewing this episode as abuse of power. They are questioning how a government agency can take the last of an elderly woman’s dignity by subjecting her to this. What were the chances this woman had a bomb in her diaper? Extremely low, but there was still a chance. We live in a world where people have successfully boarded a plane with a bomb in their shoes & underwear, and where people were able to take control of four planes while wielding box cutters. We have developed a system where the government is trying to stop this. They can’t just randomly select Muslims at an airport security checkpoint for additional searches. That’s called racial profiling. Everyone has to be treated the same. Suspicions arose during her pat down. A pat down anyone in a wheelchair would have gotten. She wasn’t selected because of her age or gender or arbitrarily.

It’s unfortunate this innocent woman had to go through this, but TSA did its job. Whether it’s a child or the elderly, this agency needs to make sure it does everything in its legal capacity to make sure each airline passenger is not a threat to national security. Since 9/11, the rules have changed. We have to remove our shoes now before going through the metal detector. We have full body scan machines. We can’t masturbate on airplanes anymore (Thanks a lot Bin Laden.) Sure, its inconvenience, but without it, we could possibly have 9/11 times 2,356. And nobody knows what that is.

          -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom - Steak Edition

          It's Wednesday and I've got some serious Words of Wisdom for you. I grilled one of my best steaks last night and it made me think. Why do people continually ruin steak? I'm talking putting A.1. or a house steak sauce on it. I know they are called steak sauces but they have no business on a correctly cooked piece of meat. So my Words of Wisdom for today are this; learn how to properly season and grill a steak and leave the steak sauce on the shelf.
     
          When it comes to steak you really need to take pride in it. Don't just buy it at the supermarket, open it up and throw it on the grill. Take care of it a little. Get a dry rub or a marinade together and let it sit for a day. Whatever you like, don't be afraid to experiment. I'll tell you what I used last night. Salt, fresh ground pepper, a little paprika, some garlic powder and a pinch of chili powder. I put what I figured would be a good amount of each and let it sit in the fridge overnight. You can use a liquid marinade if you'd like, but I would poke a couple holes in the meat to help the juices get in there. Either way you do it, you have to treat your meat with some respect and spice it up.  

          Another big part of grilling a great steak is knowing your limits. Don't be shy about going online and getting some grilling tips from the pros. You'd listen to Ray Allen if you wanted advice on shooting a three pointer right? Well there are some serious professionals out there when it comes to grilling meats. So put your pride on hold for a second and get some advice. I listen to Bobby Flay when it comes to anything on the grill but there are others out there, you just have to get your search on. One of the tips I'd like to pass on is to take the meat out of the fridge about an hour before you cook it to let it get down to room temperature. It'll make for better grilling and ensure the inside is just the way you like it.
           The time and temperature you use depends on the cut of meat and the thickness. So you'll have to do some experimenting to figure it out. When you're not quite sure, cut into the thickest part and see what it looks like in there. You only want to do this once or twice, don't check it every minute and have slices all over your steak. I've been cooking steaks about an inch thick on medium high heat. Maybe seven or eight minutes on one side and five or six on the other. This will all vary depending on the grill you have and the amount of propane or coals you're using. The important thing is to grill it 60% on one side and 40% on the other. Only flip ONCE! Every time you flip it over all that flavorful juice gets wasted on the burners below. So make sure you only turn it over once.

           Finally, sit back and enjoy it. Get a nice big steak knife, cut off a generous chunk and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Don't you dare get steak sauce and drown out all that natural steak flavor. A.1. is good, don't get me wrong. Maybe use some of it in a marinade or put it on another part of the dinner you fucked up. Just don't put it on the steak! If you go to a real steak house, they don't even have steak sauce there. If you try and ask for some, the chef will get pretty offended. Why? Because he made a great steak and you'd be an asshole if you ruined it with that shit. Again, learn how to season and grill a steak and leave the sauce on the shelf.

           Now, I'm not a professional by any means. But I'm not afraid to toot my horn on this one. I'm pretty damn good at grilling meat. So let these Words sink in and next time you're going to eat a steak, you'll thank me. I once knew a guy that used steak sauce all the time. I actually saw him last week behind the mini-mart. And wouldn't you know it, he put A.1. sauce on the Ham Sandwich I gave him. It was a damn shame.