In case you haven't heard, Ron Artest, of the Los Angeles Lakers is petitioning to legally change his name. He wouldn't be the first professional athlete to do this. Chad "Johnson" Ochocinco changed his name to match his number in Spanish a few years ago. Why? Who knows, the guy isn't even Spanish. But it was funny and he ended paying over a million bucks to buy up all the old "Johnson" jerseys before they would start making "Ochocinco" ones. So where will Artest go with his name change? Given his past history of weird shit, there isn't much that will surprise me.
Wait, what? (thanks for everything Norm, sorry to hear about the cancellation) He's going to change his name to Metta World Peace?? Metta, for those wondering, is the philosophy and practice of universal love. It's okay, I had to read it a couple times to take it all in. That will make his first name Metta, his middle name World and his last name Peace. How do you feel about that?
Is there anyone out there thinking he might have taken a page out of World B. Free's book? At least he only changed his first name. He was born Lloyd Bernard Free, so it was a simple change. His father could still be proud that he carried on the family name.
I don't know how to feel about Ron's choice here. And yes I'll refer to him as Ron because I don't respect him enough to continually write his last name. Even though writing that last sentence and this one are much much longer than writing Artest. You get my point. I'm a little over this whole name change thing. I was over it as soon as Chad Johnson did it simply for publicity. I didn't think anyone else would try this stunt. What was I thinking?
I am just old fashioned? I feel it's a man's duty to carry on the family name. It's important to me as a man. Maybe it's because I have such an awesome last name, but still. How would you feel as a father if your son just up and changed his name to get publicity? These aren't bench players that nobody knows about either. They are already in the spotlight and making headlines every other week. So why throw away your family name just to make more heads turn? It's ridiculous.
Not only is he changing his name, but to Metta World Peace? Come on dude. That's one of the dumbest names I've ever heard. Where are his friends? Where is his agent? Where is his publicist? Out of all the name he could have picked, he goes with Metta World Peace. I don't mind the whole world peace thing, well yes I do, but I can kind of understand his motive. There has to be a better choice out there. Something a little more fitting. How about Ima Fuckin Moron? No? Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with world peace but it beats Metta.
Luckily I have a soapbox I can hop up on and get this off my chest. I'm just sick of celebrities and pro athletes doing retarded shit just to make headlines. Especially the athletes. Just go out there and play the game. You're already getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a game you love. Don't ruin it by being a jack-ass! I heard this news while making a Ham Sandwich and forgot the mustard, so hopefully I can still get a decent Hand-job. Those bums behind the Stop-N-Shop are pretty picky when it comes to HJfHS.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
You Can't Avoid Boyd
The Only Gambling Problem I Have is When the Blackjack Dealer Hits a Six-Card 21
Some may say I have a gambling problem. I don’t think that’s true, but I consider it one of my two vices (booze would be the first.) Sure, I might have known what a trifecta was before I knew girls didn’t have coodies, and I might have bet on the national anthem or a coin flip before, and I might have gone on multiple 24-hour gambling runs, but I consider gambling a hobby I control. I’ve had good days and I’ve had bad days. I have ten years experience in casinos all over North America (Thanks Mom for sneaking me into the Atlantic City Bally’s as an underage kid) and there are two things that really chap my ass about them.
First, gamblers like to smoke. I don’t know why it goes hand and hand, but it apparently does. While most social settings have banned smoking in our health conscious society, casinos are behind the times. Atlantic City tried to ban smoking from its casinos, but it only lasted for about 45 minutes after smokers caused an uproar. Some casinos have separate smoking gaming areas and non-smoking gaming areas. I am fine with that, except not all casinos do that. I do not know why I have to be subjected to cigarette smoke if I want to play blackjack. I don’t get why someone can blow smoke in my face at a gaming table, yet I can’t fart in their faces. If I did that, I would be removed from the casino due to my faux pas. Yet, some doucher can blow secondhand smoke at me and think nothing of it.
Second, not all casinos serve free alcoholic drinks or serve drinks all day. Seriously, what the fuck?!? These casinos are making billions, yet they can’t serve me a 7 & 7 on the house. In Atlantic City, Las Vegas, and New Orleans, the drinks are free 24/7. However, many states (Pennsylvania, Delaware, and West Virginia for example) have recently opened casinos as a way of generating income. Yet, some charge for their drinks and/or only serve them during certain hours. I am prepared to lose my paycheck at craps, but I draw the line at having to pay for a gin and tonic. You have to be 21 years old to be in a casino. It shouldn’t be a problem giving these legal age gamblers a free drink at 4 am as long as these people aren‘t too intoxicated.
Finally, the following people at the casino deserve the following type of STD:
People who play slots: As Kevin Spacey in “21” said, “Slots are for losers.” I don’t get how people voluntarily go to a casino to play the slot machines. How is pushing a button while seeing flashy lights repeatedly while winning nickels fun? The only people who should be allowed to play slots are significant others who are only at the casino to support their serious gambling partner. Basically, it should be like a day care center. Chlamydia.
Unfriendly dealers: Come on dealers. You get paid the same whether we win or lose. However, if you seem interested in our well-being, we will tip you when we do well. Don’t be afraid to offer us house advice when we have doubts. Herpes.
Unfriendly dealers: Come on dealers. You get paid the same whether we win or lose. However, if you seem interested in our well-being, we will tip you when we do well. Don’t be afraid to offer us house advice when we have doubts. Herpes.
The person who only plays one hand of a game: Thanks for donating $10 to the casino to play one losing hand while fucking up the rhythm of the table just because you rock at free online blackjack and had a feeling you'd break the bank. Whatever Dan has.
People who don’t know the rules of blackjack: If you don’t know the rules of blackjack, become friends with the person who rocks at free online blackjack and have that person explain it to you. It’s not OK to hit when you have a 12 if the dealer is showing a 6. You should hit on 14 with the dealer showing a 9. Never spilt kings. One mistake can screw over everyone at the table for many rounds. AIDS
(Editor’s Note: Boyd wrote this post at 5am on Sunday after he donated some money to a Northeast PA casino as he was high off of the high oxygen the casinos pump and sober as shit.)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
How Fat Can America Get?
It's no secret that America has an obesity problem. You can see it every time you walk into Wal-Mart or McDonald's. There are people out there trying to battle the issue of obesity, especially childhood obesity. There are a number of fitness magazines and fitness blogs out there leading the charge for an active, healthy lifestyle. On the other hand, of course, are the people that would like to cash in on the overwhelming desire people have to eat anything and everything they can. However, the regular favorites just aren't cutting it anymore. Fat people are looking for the newest craze to sink their teeth into (pun intended). I wonder what they'll come up with next.
"Fried Kool-Aid a fair hit."
Yes, deep fried Kool-Aid. Apparently it's a mixture of flour, water and Kool-Aid powder. It takes the shape of a doughnut hole and is deep fried. Oh YEA! Really?
Is that where this obesity problem is headed? Deep frying Kool-Aid? The guy that created this culinary delight already had deep fried Klondike Bars and deep fried Pop Tarts. Since when are we deep frying Pop Tarts? The thought never crossed my mind to deep fry a Pop Tart. I know we have deep fried Oreos already but where does it end. What can't you deep fry? The answer appears to be nothing. I challenge you to find something that can't be deep fried. My first guess would have been a sugary drink. But as you can tell, I was wrong. A friend and I used to make fun of our own Marcus Boyd for wanting deep fried butter sandwiches. After reading about the Kool-Aid I'm pretty sure Marcus will be making his appetizer order very soon.
What can we do to help? Unfortunately the answer is nothing. The deep frying trend will continue until everyone who eats deep fried food is dead. I'm not saying I don't eat food that was deep fried, but I stick to the originals. Chicken strips, mozzarella, jalapenos stuffed with cheese. When we start deep frying food (or drink powder) that has no business being deep fried, we're in big trouble. So be aware of what's happening out there. Our kids and their kids are headed down a very greasy and calorie packed road. If we don't do something about it, it will get out of control. Deep fried Kool-Aid is just the start. Next thing I know I'll have to deep fry my Ham Sandwiches to get a decent Hand-job. And that, my friends, is wrong!
"Fried Kool-Aid a fair hit."
Yes, deep fried Kool-Aid. Apparently it's a mixture of flour, water and Kool-Aid powder. It takes the shape of a doughnut hole and is deep fried. Oh YEA! Really?
Is that where this obesity problem is headed? Deep frying Kool-Aid? The guy that created this culinary delight already had deep fried Klondike Bars and deep fried Pop Tarts. Since when are we deep frying Pop Tarts? The thought never crossed my mind to deep fry a Pop Tart. I know we have deep fried Oreos already but where does it end. What can't you deep fry? The answer appears to be nothing. I challenge you to find something that can't be deep fried. My first guess would have been a sugary drink. But as you can tell, I was wrong. A friend and I used to make fun of our own Marcus Boyd for wanting deep fried butter sandwiches. After reading about the Kool-Aid I'm pretty sure Marcus will be making his appetizer order very soon.
What can we do to help? Unfortunately the answer is nothing. The deep frying trend will continue until everyone who eats deep fried food is dead. I'm not saying I don't eat food that was deep fried, but I stick to the originals. Chicken strips, mozzarella, jalapenos stuffed with cheese. When we start deep frying food (or drink powder) that has no business being deep fried, we're in big trouble. So be aware of what's happening out there. Our kids and their kids are headed down a very greasy and calorie packed road. If we don't do something about it, it will get out of control. Deep fried Kool-Aid is just the start. Next thing I know I'll have to deep fry my Ham Sandwiches to get a decent Hand-job. And that, my friends, is wrong!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What Makes a Man a Man
It's Father's Day today and that got me thinking. What is it that makes a man a man? Not necessarily a father, but a man. We all know what makes a father a father. Providing for your child, being a part of their life, teaching them the important skills they need to survive and make something of themselves. You know, not being a deadbeat piece of shit who doesn't take responsibility. But, what I'm talking about is what makes a man a man.
I was BBQing yesterday with a couple friends in my back yard. As the Rolling Rock flowed an amazing rush came over me. Grilling meat while drinking beer is one of those things you can do that makes you feel like a man. I'm talking about getting ground beef from the store, adding your favorite ingredients, pounding burgers into a nice round shape and throwing them on the grill. Yea, maybe the grill needs to be cleaned and there are still remnants from weeks past, but so what? It's my grill. While the burgers cook just the way you like them, you crack open a brew. Now if that doesn't make you feel like a man, I don't know what will.
That really got me thinking again. What else can you do that will make you feel like a man? Most of the scenarios I thought about had beer in the equation. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I certainly feel part of being a man is drinking beer. Not that super low calorie shit either. I had a sample of MGD 64 today and was surprised I found anything that tastes worse than Coors Light. If you're going to drink that garbage, just get a wine cooler and a rainbow shirt because that beer is about as gay as four dudes blowing five dudes. Let's get back to man talk.
What's another thing I can do to make me feel like a man, you ask? Chopping wood with an axe is a great way to make you feel manly. Take a nice big axe and a pile of un-chopped wood and just go to town for a while. Take your shirt off, spit in your hands, grunt and curse. I would suggest waiting till you were done to start drinking beer but it's absolutely part of the plan. The word lumberjack and man go hand in hand. So anything you can do to imitate a lumberjack is a good start. When you're all done I want you to sit there and look at the pieces of wood, the calluses on your hands and the used axe head and tell me you don't feel like a man.
"There have be other things I can do, Pat. I don't like chopping wood." Well, pussy, you're in luck. There are a couple other things you can do if the thought of chopping wood doesn't give you one. Pull your car into the garage, pop the hood, take out your tool box and start turning some wrenches. Whether it's changing the oil, or replacing your brakes, even just checking the fluid levels is pretty manly. If you want to make it official you have to get dirty though. Put the car up on some jack stands and take the tire off. You don't have to do anything to it, but every man should know how to change a tire, so get some practice. I changed my brake pads a couple months ago and as I sat there afterwards with bottle of Lager I had that overwhelming feeling of "man" rush over me. So next time you feel like a little bitch, go out and put in some work on your car and you'll start to feel better.
"I don't know anything about cars and I don't like chopping wood, what can I do?" Well it's pretty obvious that you are, in fact, a woman and don't need to feel like a man. So don't worry about it. However, I'll throw a couple more things at you just in case. Another part about being a man, as far as I'm concerned, is being chivalrous. Opening doors for women, pulling the car around when it's raining, carrying the heavy stuff and giving orgasms are some of the little things that a man should do. No questions asked. I don't want to hear anything from women about equality and how independent you are either. If I hold a door for you, or offer to carry something, I'm doing it because I'm a man and that's what I'm supposed to do. Not because I'm trying to keep you down or whatever so just say thank you and like it! Around the house handy work is pretty manly. Anything you can do yourself without having to pay someone else is, in most cases, is pretty manly. So I want you to go out there and see what makes you feel like a man. I'm sure I didn't mention everything.
Even as I sit here and write this blog, with a beer open and hot sauce on my pizza, I feel like a man. And in an hour or so when I hop in my car with a Ham Sandwich and park behind the liquor store, I'm still going to feel like man. So, next time you're in the dumps about how big of a pussy you are, get an axe or a tool box and get your "man" on.
I was BBQing yesterday with a couple friends in my back yard. As the Rolling Rock flowed an amazing rush came over me. Grilling meat while drinking beer is one of those things you can do that makes you feel like a man. I'm talking about getting ground beef from the store, adding your favorite ingredients, pounding burgers into a nice round shape and throwing them on the grill. Yea, maybe the grill needs to be cleaned and there are still remnants from weeks past, but so what? It's my grill. While the burgers cook just the way you like them, you crack open a brew. Now if that doesn't make you feel like a man, I don't know what will.
That really got me thinking again. What else can you do that will make you feel like a man? Most of the scenarios I thought about had beer in the equation. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I certainly feel part of being a man is drinking beer. Not that super low calorie shit either. I had a sample of MGD 64 today and was surprised I found anything that tastes worse than Coors Light. If you're going to drink that garbage, just get a wine cooler and a rainbow shirt because that beer is about as gay as four dudes blowing five dudes. Let's get back to man talk.
What's another thing I can do to make me feel like a man, you ask? Chopping wood with an axe is a great way to make you feel manly. Take a nice big axe and a pile of un-chopped wood and just go to town for a while. Take your shirt off, spit in your hands, grunt and curse. I would suggest waiting till you were done to start drinking beer but it's absolutely part of the plan. The word lumberjack and man go hand in hand. So anything you can do to imitate a lumberjack is a good start. When you're all done I want you to sit there and look at the pieces of wood, the calluses on your hands and the used axe head and tell me you don't feel like a man.
"There have be other things I can do, Pat. I don't like chopping wood." Well, pussy, you're in luck. There are a couple other things you can do if the thought of chopping wood doesn't give you one. Pull your car into the garage, pop the hood, take out your tool box and start turning some wrenches. Whether it's changing the oil, or replacing your brakes, even just checking the fluid levels is pretty manly. If you want to make it official you have to get dirty though. Put the car up on some jack stands and take the tire off. You don't have to do anything to it, but every man should know how to change a tire, so get some practice. I changed my brake pads a couple months ago and as I sat there afterwards with bottle of Lager I had that overwhelming feeling of "man" rush over me. So next time you feel like a little bitch, go out and put in some work on your car and you'll start to feel better.
"I don't know anything about cars and I don't like chopping wood, what can I do?" Well it's pretty obvious that you are, in fact, a woman and don't need to feel like a man. So don't worry about it. However, I'll throw a couple more things at you just in case. Another part about being a man, as far as I'm concerned, is being chivalrous. Opening doors for women, pulling the car around when it's raining, carrying the heavy stuff and giving orgasms are some of the little things that a man should do. No questions asked. I don't want to hear anything from women about equality and how independent you are either. If I hold a door for you, or offer to carry something, I'm doing it because I'm a man and that's what I'm supposed to do. Not because I'm trying to keep you down or whatever so just say thank you and like it! Around the house handy work is pretty manly. Anything you can do yourself without having to pay someone else is, in most cases, is pretty manly. So I want you to go out there and see what makes you feel like a man. I'm sure I didn't mention everything.
Even as I sit here and write this blog, with a beer open and hot sauce on my pizza, I feel like a man. And in an hour or so when I hop in my car with a Ham Sandwich and park behind the liquor store, I'm still going to feel like man. So, next time you're in the dumps about how big of a pussy you are, get an axe or a tool box and get your "man" on.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
You Can't Avoid Boyd
Boston: Not Just a Town for the Drunken Irish
Green Bay is known as Title Town USA for all the NFL championships it has won (13 overall). It appears that nickname might have to travel east as Boston has won every major sports championship over the last six years. While that might be wicked awesome for Sully and Murph and the rest of the southies, I am wicked depressed. As a true New York sports fan, I have embraced the Boston teams as a natural rival. While I realize how fortunate I am to have witnessed many championships among my favorite teams (unlike my DC friends), we live in a “What have you done for me lately” society and Boston is on top of the sports world right now.
The Celtics won the NBA title in 2008. I was happy for Boston as they mortgaged their future to build an immediate contender with several big trades (Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen) in the off-season. They were rewarded by beating the Lakers to win their 17th championship. I would be more upset if the Knicks had managed to be competitive over the last ten years. When the Knicks won their last playoff game, I had never gotten drunk before and the Twin Towers were still erect.
The Bruins won the Stanley Cup last night over the Vancouver Canucks. I was actually rooting for the Bruins as they had suffered many bad breaks early in the series: they lost Game 1 in the last 20 seconds of regulation as it appeared a Canuck bit a Boston player’s finger earlier in the game, they lost Game 2 11 seconds into overtime as the biter scored (he was not disciplined), and they lost one of their best players five minutes into Game 3 to a vicious cheap shot. After several Canucks were taunting the finger biting incident and Canucks goalie, Roberto Luongo, took a cheap shot at Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas in the media, I was hoping Boston would win. After the Bruins won Game 7, Vancouver fans did what they normally do, starting fires and rioting. It reminded me of 1994 when the Rangers beat the Canucks and Vancouver fans decided to mourn the series loss by burning shit and rioting.
The New England Patriots have been one of the more successful NFL teams in the 2000’s, winning three Super Bowls. They are currently experiencing the longest drought of Boston championships, winning their last title in 2004. The drought would have been shorter if a) the NFL hadn’t caught them for “Spygate” and b) they managed to beat the Giants in Super Bowl 42. A truly great moment in my life as many of my friends were New York Giants fans just for that day to cheer for the Patriots to lose their first game of the year. Afterwards, they congratulated me. The next day, they told me the Giants blow. Good times.
The Red Sox won two championships in the last decade, 2004 and 2007, their first since 1918. To talk about the 2004 playoffs is as painful as it would be for Marcellus Wallace to talk about what happened in the basement of the pawn shop. If you don’t know what happened, Google it. I have two quick notes about that series. One, after the Yankees destroyed the Red Sox in Game 3, I commented to Asian Sensation John Holody how the Red Sox showed no heart with their season on the line. In hindsight, I was dead wrong. Two, I saw Dave Roberts on a plane several years later. Most people would have said hello to him. I’m not most people. It took all the will I had not to confront him and tell him how he ruined baseball for me. Until 2004, the Yankees never lost to the Red Sox in the playoffs. Yogi Berra told a nervous Bernie Williams before the 1999 ALCS, "We have been playing these guys for 80 years and they never win". Well, they finally won.
Green Bay is known as Title Town USA for all the NFL championships it has won (13 overall). It appears that nickname might have to travel east as Boston has won every major sports championship over the last six years. While that might be wicked awesome for Sully and Murph and the rest of the southies, I am wicked depressed. As a true New York sports fan, I have embraced the Boston teams as a natural rival. While I realize how fortunate I am to have witnessed many championships among my favorite teams (unlike my DC friends), we live in a “What have you done for me lately” society and Boston is on top of the sports world right now.
The Celtics won the NBA title in 2008. I was happy for Boston as they mortgaged their future to build an immediate contender with several big trades (Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen) in the off-season. They were rewarded by beating the Lakers to win their 17th championship. I would be more upset if the Knicks had managed to be competitive over the last ten years. When the Knicks won their last playoff game, I had never gotten drunk before and the Twin Towers were still erect.
The Bruins won the Stanley Cup last night over the Vancouver Canucks. I was actually rooting for the Bruins as they had suffered many bad breaks early in the series: they lost Game 1 in the last 20 seconds of regulation as it appeared a Canuck bit a Boston player’s finger earlier in the game, they lost Game 2 11 seconds into overtime as the biter scored (he was not disciplined), and they lost one of their best players five minutes into Game 3 to a vicious cheap shot. After several Canucks were taunting the finger biting incident and Canucks goalie, Roberto Luongo, took a cheap shot at Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas in the media, I was hoping Boston would win. After the Bruins won Game 7, Vancouver fans did what they normally do, starting fires and rioting. It reminded me of 1994 when the Rangers beat the Canucks and Vancouver fans decided to mourn the series loss by burning shit and rioting.
The New England Patriots have been one of the more successful NFL teams in the 2000’s, winning three Super Bowls. They are currently experiencing the longest drought of Boston championships, winning their last title in 2004. The drought would have been shorter if a) the NFL hadn’t caught them for “Spygate” and b) they managed to beat the Giants in Super Bowl 42. A truly great moment in my life as many of my friends were New York Giants fans just for that day to cheer for the Patriots to lose their first game of the year. Afterwards, they congratulated me. The next day, they told me the Giants blow. Good times.
The Red Sox won two championships in the last decade, 2004 and 2007, their first since 1918. To talk about the 2004 playoffs is as painful as it would be for Marcellus Wallace to talk about what happened in the basement of the pawn shop. If you don’t know what happened, Google it. I have two quick notes about that series. One, after the Yankees destroyed the Red Sox in Game 3, I commented to Asian Sensation John Holody how the Red Sox showed no heart with their season on the line. In hindsight, I was dead wrong. Two, I saw Dave Roberts on a plane several years later. Most people would have said hello to him. I’m not most people. It took all the will I had not to confront him and tell him how he ruined baseball for me. Until 2004, the Yankees never lost to the Red Sox in the playoffs. Yogi Berra told a nervous Bernie Williams before the 1999 ALCS, "We have been playing these guys for 80 years and they never win". Well, they finally won.
I will be traveling to Boston in early August to catch a Yankees-Red Sox game. I knew I was going to the thunder dome beforehand. I was going to be among many of the enemy fans infiltrating Fenway Park that night. Now, I will have to deal with the championship aura these massholes will have after their recent run. God damn it.
-Written by Marcus Boyd
-Written by Marcus Boyd
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Wednesday's Words of Wisdom . . . THE BIG 5-0!
This Wednesday is special for a few reasons. One, it's the 50th post on Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. We've reached the half century mark and it's been a fun ride. It will continue to be a fun ride as long as there are Ham Sandwich eaters out there. Two, it's Wednesday and I have some Words of Wisdom for you. This weeks Words are more focused towards a certain group of individuals. This group includes anyone who pees standing up. I'd like to say it's aimed at just men, but I've seen some crazy shit in my day. Anyone who is unsure allow me to clear it up for you. Yes, women can pee standing up. And their aim is no better than ours.
So today's Words of Wisdom are, LIFT UP THE FUCKING SEAT! I don't mean to yell but there are few things that gross me out more than walking into a bathroom and seeing a toilet seat covered in piss. If it weren't such an easy thing to do I wouldn't get worked up about it. But let's be honest here, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to lift up the seat before you let it flow. Also, since I have to tell you to lift the seat up I'm sure I need to tell you to put it down when you're done. Have you ever seen the underside of a toilet seat and thought, "oh yea, that's clean." Of course not. It's disgusting.
Maybe it's just me, but I lift the seat up every time I'm not pooping and put it down when I'm done. I've heard the argument about how females should have to put the seat up when they're done or some other version of that to make the bathroom more equal. It's all bullshit. If you want to make it more equal, put the lid down when you're done. That way, whoever comes in next has to at least lift that up. And if they lift the lid up and not the entire seat, they're an asshole.
Does anyone like looking into an open toilet when they walk into a bathroom? I didn't think so. That's why I always close the lid and suggest that you do the same. It's really easy and makes the bathroom look better. And yes, I'm talking about public toilets as well as home commodes. Hopefully you're going to wash your hands anyway so the little bit you have to touch the seat to lift it won't matter. Just lift it up.
Also, as much as you'd like to think so, you are not that great at aiming your stream. So if you don't lift the seat up (because you're an asshole) and happen to piss on it, which you will. WIPE IT OFF! If you lifted the seat up in the first place you wouldn't have to worry about it. But if you are too lazy to do that, at least wipe the seat off after you hose everything down. Why should someone else have to come in and, not only see your piss on the seat, but wipe it off so they don't sit in it? That's just ignorant.
The part that really bothers me is that you know you pissed on the seat. Unless you are going to the bathroom with your eyes closed, you know where everything went. You see your urine on the seat and just walk away. "Let someone else take care of it, I'm obviously more important than them." Guess what? No, you're not. Don't be an asshole.
In summation, this is the 50th post on HJfHS and it's been fun. The invitation is still out there to anyone who would like to post something. Just send me an email and let your voice be heard. Also, if you are going into a bathroom to let the hammer hang and relieve yourself, lift up the fucking seat. I can't even count how many times I walked into a truck stop bathroom to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich and saw seats just dripping with some scumbag's piss. It really ruins the mood.
So today's Words of Wisdom are, LIFT UP THE FUCKING SEAT! I don't mean to yell but there are few things that gross me out more than walking into a bathroom and seeing a toilet seat covered in piss. If it weren't such an easy thing to do I wouldn't get worked up about it. But let's be honest here, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to lift up the seat before you let it flow. Also, since I have to tell you to lift the seat up I'm sure I need to tell you to put it down when you're done. Have you ever seen the underside of a toilet seat and thought, "oh yea, that's clean." Of course not. It's disgusting.
Maybe it's just me, but I lift the seat up every time I'm not pooping and put it down when I'm done. I've heard the argument about how females should have to put the seat up when they're done or some other version of that to make the bathroom more equal. It's all bullshit. If you want to make it more equal, put the lid down when you're done. That way, whoever comes in next has to at least lift that up. And if they lift the lid up and not the entire seat, they're an asshole.
Does anyone like looking into an open toilet when they walk into a bathroom? I didn't think so. That's why I always close the lid and suggest that you do the same. It's really easy and makes the bathroom look better. And yes, I'm talking about public toilets as well as home commodes. Hopefully you're going to wash your hands anyway so the little bit you have to touch the seat to lift it won't matter. Just lift it up.
Also, as much as you'd like to think so, you are not that great at aiming your stream. So if you don't lift the seat up (because you're an asshole) and happen to piss on it, which you will. WIPE IT OFF! If you lifted the seat up in the first place you wouldn't have to worry about it. But if you are too lazy to do that, at least wipe the seat off after you hose everything down. Why should someone else have to come in and, not only see your piss on the seat, but wipe it off so they don't sit in it? That's just ignorant.
The part that really bothers me is that you know you pissed on the seat. Unless you are going to the bathroom with your eyes closed, you know where everything went. You see your urine on the seat and just walk away. "Let someone else take care of it, I'm obviously more important than them." Guess what? No, you're not. Don't be an asshole.
In summation, this is the 50th post on HJfHS and it's been fun. The invitation is still out there to anyone who would like to post something. Just send me an email and let your voice be heard. Also, if you are going into a bathroom to let the hammer hang and relieve yourself, lift up the fucking seat. I can't even count how many times I walked into a truck stop bathroom to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich and saw seats just dripping with some scumbag's piss. It really ruins the mood.
Monday, June 13, 2011
If It's Not That Easy . . . Just Change the Rules!
Let's say you're trying to accomplish a task for work. Unfortunately there are rules and regulations that make that a bit difficult. What can you do? You can sit and brainstorm ways to get around those rules and regulations. Maybe ask someone you work with if they dealt with this before and how they handled it? Or, you can do what the FBI did. Just change the rules.
The FBI recently updated the 2008 Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide. This was the guide they had to reference when investigating domestic matters of National Security. It governed the paperwork they needed to fill out and in what order they had to proceed with everything. Well, apparently the FBI thought the current rules in place were making things a little too difficult. So, they changed them.
In the past the FBI needed to have probable cause to pursue a subject in question. They needed evidence of wrong doing that would link a person or organization to a crime. You know, pretty standard stuff. With the updated Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide, they don't need any of that anymore. An FBI agent can do what you see them do in the movies, and just go with his gut.
Yes, you heard that right. They are now allowed to search commercial and law enforcement databases for anyone they want. That includes any organizations they feel might be doing something wrong. In the past they had to open official assessment inquiries. Now they don't need to document anything. They can walk right in, search for whomever they wish, and walk back out. Without telling anyone what or who they were looking for. Crazy huh?
This also extends to lie detector tests. They are now allowed to administer lie detector tests without having anything more than a hunch. Meaning if I were an FBI agent and had a dream about Jim from down the block, I could bring him in for a lie detector test. No questions asked. They are also allowed to, without any evidence of wrong doing, search the garbage or anyone they please. They sited a bunch of stuff about making it easier to know if someone is a threat to them or to put pressure on someone to further their investigations. I have to say it all sounds pretty cool to me.
Just to fill you in on everything. There are also new rules about an informants rights to attend up to five meetings of an organization they are gathering information on without any kind of documentation. The rules regarding an informants rights to attend religious events has changed. Also the special provisions that were in place with respect to the investigation of public officials has be altered. Mainly in cases where the public official is a victim or a witness. If they are the target of an investigation, there is still a special provision that must be followed.
So how do you feel knowing that the FBI can just change their rules to make it easier on them? I'm sure their guideline book is a little longer than my blog, but you get the idea. I for one think it's awesome. The FBI is tired of jumping through hoops and filling out useless paperwork to investigate people they think might be doing something wrong. Yea, it might make it easier for some agents to unjustly "investigate" their ex-wives or their daughter's new boyfriend. But when you look at the big picture, if these new provisions allow them to arrest one or two more bad guys that would have previously slipped through the cracks, than I think it's worth it. I mean they should be allowed to investigate however they want. They are the FBI for crying out loud. Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATION. If they came to my work and made me take a lie detector test because they were digging through my garbage, I wouldn't have a problem with it. The crazy part is, I didn't even mention the most important rule change. And it involves all of us.
The FBI recently updated the 2008 Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide. This was the guide they had to reference when investigating domestic matters of National Security. It governed the paperwork they needed to fill out and in what order they had to proceed with everything. Well, apparently the FBI thought the current rules in place were making things a little too difficult. So, they changed them.
In the past the FBI needed to have probable cause to pursue a subject in question. They needed evidence of wrong doing that would link a person or organization to a crime. You know, pretty standard stuff. With the updated Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide, they don't need any of that anymore. An FBI agent can do what you see them do in the movies, and just go with his gut.
Yes, you heard that right. They are now allowed to search commercial and law enforcement databases for anyone they want. That includes any organizations they feel might be doing something wrong. In the past they had to open official assessment inquiries. Now they don't need to document anything. They can walk right in, search for whomever they wish, and walk back out. Without telling anyone what or who they were looking for. Crazy huh?
This also extends to lie detector tests. They are now allowed to administer lie detector tests without having anything more than a hunch. Meaning if I were an FBI agent and had a dream about Jim from down the block, I could bring him in for a lie detector test. No questions asked. They are also allowed to, without any evidence of wrong doing, search the garbage or anyone they please. They sited a bunch of stuff about making it easier to know if someone is a threat to them or to put pressure on someone to further their investigations. I have to say it all sounds pretty cool to me.
Just to fill you in on everything. There are also new rules about an informants rights to attend up to five meetings of an organization they are gathering information on without any kind of documentation. The rules regarding an informants rights to attend religious events has changed. Also the special provisions that were in place with respect to the investigation of public officials has be altered. Mainly in cases where the public official is a victim or a witness. If they are the target of an investigation, there is still a special provision that must be followed.
So how do you feel knowing that the FBI can just change their rules to make it easier on them? I'm sure their guideline book is a little longer than my blog, but you get the idea. I for one think it's awesome. The FBI is tired of jumping through hoops and filling out useless paperwork to investigate people they think might be doing something wrong. Yea, it might make it easier for some agents to unjustly "investigate" their ex-wives or their daughter's new boyfriend. But when you look at the big picture, if these new provisions allow them to arrest one or two more bad guys that would have previously slipped through the cracks, than I think it's worth it. I mean they should be allowed to investigate however they want. They are the FBI for crying out loud. Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATION. If they came to my work and made me take a lie detector test because they were digging through my garbage, I wouldn't have a problem with it. The crazy part is, I didn't even mention the most important rule change. And it involves all of us.
"Investigations into members of the press and academic scholars are also considered sensitive, and call for extra supervisions. The new rules make a distinction between bloggers as members of the press: "Prominent bloggers would count, but not people who have low-profile blogs," but the details of that distinction are unclear. The new rules also "limit academic protections only to scholars who work for institutions based in the United States.""
If you read that correctly that means we need to take "Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches" to the prominent blog level status. Why you ask? Because I want to be considered a member of the press. I know what you're thinking. And yes, that is completely selfish. However, it's not everyday the FBI changes rules that make it possible for me to be considered a member of the press. Why do I want to be a member of the press? Why not? It would be one more thing I can put on my resume that won't help me get a job. So I want to take this opportunity to get everyone on board and take HJfHS to the next level. Tell your friends, tell them to tell their friends. Let's make all the Hand-jobs I've gotten for Ham Sandwiches worth something more than a funny story to tell my kids.
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