If It's Not That Easy . . . Just Change the Rules!

           Let's say you're trying to accomplish a task for work. Unfortunately there are rules and regulations that make that a bit difficult. What can you do? You can sit and brainstorm ways to get around those rules and regulations. Maybe ask someone you work with if they dealt with this before and how they handled it? Or, you can do what the FBI did. Just change the rules.
           The FBI recently updated the 2008 Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide. This was the guide they had to reference when investigating domestic matters of National Security. It governed the paperwork they needed to fill out and in what order they had to proceed with everything. Well, apparently the FBI thought the current rules in place were making things a little too difficult. So, they changed them.
           In the past the FBI needed to have probable cause to pursue a subject in question. They needed evidence of wrong doing that would link a person or organization to a crime. You know, pretty standard stuff. With the updated Domestic Investigations and Operations Guide, they don't need any of that anymore. An FBI agent can do what you see them do in the movies, and just go with his gut.
           Yes, you heard that right. They are now allowed to search commercial and law enforcement databases for anyone they want. That includes any organizations they feel might be doing something wrong. In the past they had to open official assessment inquiries. Now they don't need to document anything. They can walk right in, search for whomever they wish, and walk back out. Without telling anyone what or who they were looking for. Crazy huh?
            This also extends to lie detector tests. They are now allowed to administer lie detector tests without having anything more than a hunch. Meaning if I were an FBI agent and had a dream about Jim from down the block, I could bring him in for a lie detector test. No questions asked. They are also allowed to, without any evidence of wrong doing, search the garbage or anyone they please. They sited a bunch of stuff about making it easier to know if someone is a threat to them or to put pressure on someone to further their investigations. I have to say it all sounds pretty cool to me.
             Just to fill you in on everything. There are also new rules about an informants rights to attend up to five meetings of an organization they are gathering information on without any kind of documentation. The rules regarding an informants rights to attend religious events has changed. Also the special provisions that were in place with respect to the investigation of public officials has be altered. Mainly in cases where the public official is a victim or a witness. If they are the target of an investigation, there is still a special provision that must be followed.
             So how do you feel knowing that the FBI can just change their rules to make it easier on them? I'm sure their guideline book is a little longer than my blog, but you get the idea. I for one think it's awesome. The FBI is tired of jumping through hoops and filling out useless paperwork to investigate people they think might be doing something wrong. Yea, it might make it easier for some agents to unjustly "investigate" their ex-wives or their daughter's new boyfriend. But when you look at the big picture, if these new provisions allow them to arrest one or two more bad guys that would have previously slipped through the cracks, than I think it's worth it. I mean they should be allowed to investigate however they want. They are the FBI for crying out loud. Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATION. If they came to my work and made me take a lie detector test because they were digging through my garbage, I wouldn't have a problem with it. The crazy part is, I didn't even mention the most important rule change. And it involves all of us.

            "Investigations into members of the press and academic scholars are also considered sensitive, and call for extra supervisions. The new rules make a distinction between bloggers as members of the press: "Prominent bloggers would count, but not people who have low-profile blogs," but the details of that distinction are unclear. The new rules also "limit academic protections only to scholars who work for institutions based in the United States.""

             If you read that correctly that means we need to take "Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches" to the prominent blog level status. Why you ask? Because I want to be considered a member of the press. I know what you're thinking. And yes, that is completely selfish. However, it's not everyday the FBI changes rules that make it possible for me to be considered a member of the press. Why do I want to be a member of the press? Why not? It would be one more thing I can put on my resume that won't help me get a job. So I want to take this opportunity to get everyone on board and take HJfHS to the next level. Tell your friends, tell them to tell their friends. Let's make all the Hand-jobs I've gotten for Ham Sandwiches worth something more than a funny story to tell my kids.

            

From Josh, With Love

I told my friend that I would contribute to his blog months ago. However, since I am a busy man (getting drunk/masturbating), I have been unable to find time. But a deal is a deal so here I am. I was going to write about Congressman Weiner’s controversial cock shot but Boyd already stole my thunder. I still have a few questions, like, how is it possible that guy’s name is Weiner, why don’t women ever get in trouble in the same manner and what was the IT Department’s reaction at Boyd’s job when they saw he googled “gay sex/dick scandals”? However, I won’t shoot a dead horse.

What I want to talk about is freedom of expression. I believe in it, that’s why I support anything my friend(s) post on this website. So you could understand my confusion when I heard that the UK is banning “Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence”. For those of you who don’t know (or who aren’t excited by ass to mouth mutilation), Human Centipede was a 2010 horror film where the protagonist sews people together anus to mouth to create one digestive system. The second installment is poised to be even more offensive, prompting the UK Film Board to say this:

"It is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.”

My first reaction is, this movie is going to be the tits. My second is, Bullshit. This movie may not be everyone’s cup of tea but “harm viewers”. Is anyone going to see this movie and start sewing people together? Does the UK think there is going to be mass suicide as a result of how troubled people become when they view this movie? No. The same way society isn’t worse off because of Huck Finn, Tropic of Cancer, Catcher in the Rye, and other works that were once banned.

I exercise my right to free speech but it doesn’t mean I’m deeply troubled because of the offensive things I say (although in this case I am). Most of the time I’m just joking. Because I say “Rihanna probably deserved it” doesn’t mean I condone domestic violence, no matter how hysterical. Just because I name my fantasy team “Morgan’s Rape Stand” doesn’t mean I support dog fighting (except if it makes my trifecta at the Greyhound track) or sexual assault (unless done to “afternoon delight” by Boyd’s Uncle). Incidentally I also have nothing against Morgan. In fact, I like her more than half the people she lives with (sorry Anna). My point is saying something or viewing something or filming something offensive doesn’t mean you are destroying people. I thought the UK would know this.

In an experiment that is completely false and which the results are entirely made up, people who watch Human Centipede II are 50% less likely to commit a violent crime, drop out of school, or take drugs than those that watched the entire royal wedding. Maybe you should think about what you are banning, UK. At least the movie is fiction, unlike where the inspiration came from, which was Nazi human experiments. So next time the Brits want to ban something, maybe they should go to the theatre, bring a ham sandwich, sit in the last row and relax.
             -Written By Josh

You Can't Avoid Boyd

When Capitol Hill’s a Rockin’, Don’t Come a Knockin’

Within the last week, Anthony Weiner, a congressman from New York, made headlines when he posted a dick shot (not the Brett Farve type, but a classier underwear one) on his Twitter account. The picture was intended to be a direct message, but was posted to all. After claiming his account had been hacked and that it might not be his junk, he admitted on Monday that he sent it, the junk belonged to him, and he had been in inappropriate electronic relationships with six women over three years. None of these women were his wife, Huma Abedin Weiner. I feel bad for Huma because that might be the worst name of all time. I should feel bad for the congressmen/congresswomen who are not allowed to behave in their private lives as we can, but I don’t. When they were elected to their positions, they gave up that right.

Weiner joins an esteemed list of politicians who have been subject to controversial sex scandals:

· Christopher Lee, a married New York Congressman, resigned after he was caught sending a shirtless pic to a female via Craigslist. Rumors began circulating this wasn’t his first experience trying to seek out ladies/transgenders via Craigslist.

· Mark Sanford, former South Carolina governor. His extramarital affair became a national story when he went missing for a week in June 2009. It was discovered he was in Argentina during that week, visiting his mistress. He finished his term under constant pressure to resign.

· Elliot Spitzer was the governor of New York until it was discovered that Spitzer loved the whores. He resigned.

· Mark Foley was a Florida congressman until it was discovered he wrote sexually suggestive e-mails to a teenage male page. He resigned.

· Larry Craig, former Idaho senator. In August 2007, he was arrested after trying to give away a ham sandwich via a foot tap (code for naughty time) in the men’s bathroom at a Minnesota airport. Due to constant pressure from the GOP, he was going to resign but decided against it. He finished his term despite constant pressure and many rumors of previous ham sandwich exchanges.

· Bill Clinton, former President. There were numerous ladies who claimed they were diddled by Clinton during his two terms. The most famous, Monica Lewinsky, led Clinton to become only the 2^nd President ever to be impeached (on obstruction of justice and perjury charges, not for just getting a blowjob.)

Weiner did nothing illegal. In fact, people could make the argument that he did nothing immoral as he claimed he has never had sex with any of these women. Yet, many people are calling for him to resign. And it’s not just the Republicans. House Majority leader Nancy Pelosi is requesting an ethics probe on this matter while Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has gone on record saying he can not defend the actions of Weiner, based on his online relationships and lying to the public. These are the top two Democrats in Congress and neither one of them have Weiner’s back. We live in a society where there are different rules for certain people. Is it fair? No. But it is what it is. With great privilege comes great responsibility. Politicians (along with athletes and celebrities) are held to different, higher standards than others. None of my friends would be told to quit their jobs if they sent a dick shot to a random girl on Twitter. Anthony Weiner could never write for a blog called “Handjobs for Ham Sandwiches”.

It’s amazing how Anthony Weiner potentially ruined his political career over this picture. Many thought he’d be the favorite for mayor of NYC later this year, but that dream is definitely over. We will see if he decides to continue his term as congressman despite the current backlash against him. All this so he could flirt with girls over social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter. Professionally, I don’t think he should have to resign. There have been other politicians who finished their term who have done worse (see Larry “Tap Dancing” Craig above). Personally, I think he should resign. It will be hard to represent the state of New York while trying to repair his marriage and being ridiculed by the media. The heat from this will eventually die down and he can rebuild his reputation later on, but he needs to focus on his priorities right now. He needs to decide if he wants to be with Huma or if he wants to be the Casanova of Facebook. Either way, I just want to live in a world where I can go on Twitter without dick shots and just focus on the important stuff, like what Kim Kardashian is up to.

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Good Morning Ham Sandwich lovers. Today is Wednesday and sure enough I have some Words of Wisdom. This morning, while running 4 miles, it hit me. I don't always need to yell at someone, or make fun of people on Wednesday. I can give you Words of Wisdom that will actually help you in your day-to-day life. Plenty of ideas were dancing in my head to the beat of my running playlist. I needed a solid idea that could make an immediate impact. So I thought about what separated Monday morning, Tuesday morning and Wednesday morning. 
          For me it was waking up a little early and doing something I wanted to do. Monday's are always tough because it's the first day of the week. I decided to try something out. I got up and went for a run. As weird as it sounds to some of you, I like running. To get up and start the day off with something I enjoy before diving right into something I don't made a huge difference. I know this because, for me, Tuesday was much worse. I got up Tuesday, got in the shower, had breakfast, made my lunch and went right to work. With the exception of the shower, I don't really like doing any of those things. To go from sleeping, which I love, right into my work routine was horrible. There was no "me time."
          I wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke, so I did some research. I woke up this morning, again a little early, and went for another run. My stomach decided to add a morning dump to the mix but I'm not complaining. During my run I could already tell it was going to be a better day. The Sun was shining and the birds were chirping. I could see the look on the faces of people in traffic and I knew they didn't do anything they wanted to this morning. That made my morning run that much more enjoyable. To go from a bed, to a car, to work is a terrible way to start a day. Make sure you leave some "me time" every morning. Trust me, it'll pay off.
         So my Words of Wisdom are to get up a little early and do something you like to do. Whether it's a crossword puzzle, or watching Sportscenter. Maybe it's a computer game or Internet porn. Whatever it is, get up early and do it. You're going to feel much better throughout the day when you can start it off with a smile. To further my research; tomorrow I'm going wake up a little early, head over to the Waffle House, walk around to the dumpster out back and get me a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. Because that's what I like to do and it'll make for a great Thursday.
        

Trapping Something in (NOT) a Bottle

         Did you ever read something that just blew your mind? I'm talking you read it, re-read it, and read it once more. When you were finished you sat back and said "wow, that just blew my fucking mind." Excuse the foul language but that's exactly what I said after reading this article and I don't want you to miss out on the true emotions. I'm a fairly smart individual. Hey, shut up, I'm serious. I know I'm not a scientist or anything but I figured I would be able to grasp any non-fiction article I happened upon. Boy, was I mistaken.
       

The whole process occurred within a magnetic "bottle" that takes advantage of the magnetic properties of the antiatoms to keep them contained. An actual bottle, made of ordinary matter, would not be able to hold antimatter because when the two types of matter meet they annihilate.

           Yea, that's what I said. To give you a short background on the article, scientists have contained antimatter for 16 minutes and 40 seconds. This is a huge breakthrough because the theory is that for every atom in the Universe there is an antiatom. For example, for every hydrogen atom there is an antihydrogen atom. These antiatoms are called antimatter. Scientists say that during the Big Bang, which created the Universe 13.6 billion years ago, there was an equal amount of matter and antimatter thrown into space. Since they have not be able to find galaxies made up of antimatter it's very confusing as to where it all went.

            Another big part of this article is the fact that antimatter and regular matter can't come in contact because they will annihilate each other. Yes, that's their word. Annihilation occurs in the form of a very bright light. For you movie watchers out there, Hollywood showed their interpretation of this bright light at the end of "The Saint" when they released this antimatter. (Even as I'm writing this I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. It all sounds so science fiction.)

            The fact that they were able to contain this antimatter is a huge breakthrough. The scientists will now be able to start testing this material, or antimaterial, which has the potential to really shake things up as far as the creation of the Universe goes.

            So back to the point I was trying to make. Doesn't that blow your mind? This was a Yahoo.com article, feel free to look it up if you'd like. I'm telling you, I read it at least 3 times and still can't get over how awesome it sounds. Just the words "when the two types of matter meet they annihilate." What a sentence.

            I can't help but think of the movie "Time Cop" starring one of the greatest actors of our time, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Okay, he's a terrible actor but he could kick some serious ass on camera, you can't deny that. The line I'm thinking of is, "The same matter can't occupy the same space at the same time." Now for you nerds out there, I understand that matter and antimatter are not the same and they are in fact exact opposites. It just reminds me of that part in the movie, so relax. I'm talking about the scene in the mansion when the bad guy gets pushed into himself and dissolves. That whole sequence of outdated computer animation was pretty cool back in 1994. Maybe that's what annihilation really looks like. 

          

          By the way, if you never saw the movie "Time Cop", that's just irresponsible.

          So to wrap this up, there are people out there trapping antimatter in magnetic field "bottles" to help solve mysteries about the creation of the Universe. I want you to read that again and realize that there are bigger things going on out there. Next time I'm behind the old Sunoco station getting a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich I'll have a better perspective on things. 

The Glamorous Life of a Hollywood Extra

          How many times have you sat down and watched a movie? Whether it was in a theater or simply curled up on the couch, would you be able to accurately estimate that number? I know I wouldn't. I take movies for granted and just try to sit back and enjoy them. I think of how much money the stars get for each role and how awesome it would be to be a movie star.  Until yesterday I was just like everyone else that appreciates a good flick.

          Until yesterday I didn't think about the guys behind the scenes, and all the work that goes into making these movies. I didn't give two shits about about the people in the background, or the random crowds. I didn't give one shit! Who really thinks about the extras? I sure didn't. Until yesterday that is. 

          When I think about a Hollywood actor all that comes to mind are the sweet trailers, buffets of food, assistants and hookers. That couldn't be further from the truth. For the extras anyway. The headliners get all the special treatment. I saw Ed Harris and Julianne Moore standing at a podium on set with a nice little Asian guy holding an umbrella to block the Sun. And he held that umbrella right up until the director said, "ACTION!"  Meanwhile, the 300 plus extras stand baking in the heat with one guy walking around with a bottle of sunscreen. 

* * * * 

Like I really needed another reason to love The Rock but watching Ed Harris do his thing on set was something else. General Francis X. Hummel might be the closest representation of how this guy really is. The director changed two of the scenes I was involved in because Mr. Harris said so. "Why don't they just keep clapping, I'll talk through it, and then it'll just get fucking louder? Pardon my french." Said the man all with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. The director agreed as if he didn't have any other choice, and that's what we did. He had a bad-ass aura about him, like one of those bikers you see that aren't that big but you're pretty sure you'd rather not take a chance. And he really knew how to play the crowd and keep everything fun for the poor saps working for chump change. A great experience to say the least and I have even more respect for him as an actor being able to see how he is as The Man! 

* * * *

          At least the extras will be able to stay in lavish trailers while they wait to go on set right? NOPE, they stay in whatever the surrounding buildings have to offer which they so rightly called 'holding'. Yesterday it was an old auditorium. How did I know it was old you ask? Because the seats felt like concrete even though they had padding on them, that's how. They would pick a big enough auditorium for everyone to be able to sit and have some elbow room of course, right? NOPE, we were packed in from right to left with no open seats and people grabbing floor space wherever they could. We'd sit there until they made their announcements and we'd finally be allowed to find some space. They had snacks and water so we weren't being treated like total prisoners. We were allowed to walk around outside and stretch our legs. As long as we stayed in the area though, because when they came calling for you, they were pretty serious about it.

          They shuffled everyone out in groups and showed them were to stand. I don't mean, "hey go stand over there somewhere." I'm talking about putting people in exact spots down to the very last person. With this many actors all trying to get on camera you can imagine how much of a project that turned into. After the first take the real shuffling would begin. The director and assistant director would send out their minions to swap the guy in the green shirt for the lady in the red shirt. This kind of 'this guy for that guy' went on until they were absolutely happy. Then the props people would come around and hand out more signs and flags. "Hold up the signs." "Move that sign here, give that guy a flag, take off that lady's hat." This continued take after take. Finally they would have everything in place and we'd nail it! We must have stood out there for an hour and a half for each scene. The total run time for the scene, if they even use it, you ask? Maybe 30 seconds or a minute max. Then it was back into 'holding' until they were ready for the next scene. This back and forth went on all day. From 9:00am till 10:30pm over 300 people would go from 'holding' to 'on set' time and time again. We shot maybe 6 scenes that day. When you throw in lunch break, and the time it took to set up each scene, the hours really piled up. 

          I got there, along with 50 other people, at 5:45 in the morning. They would trickle in every hour or so. We'd be rushed over to wardrobe to get all dressed up. Then we'd get rushed to props to get our little add ons. Then it was off to 'holding' to wait for more direction. While waiting for that direction, props and wardrobe would be all over the place making sure everything was right. It was pretty impressive how they knew exactly what to give each character and how efficient they were at what they did. The costume designer and the wardrobe people were right on top things. Fixing collars and changing shirts. The props people were always on the set swapping out and straightening everything up. The amount of work that went into the one day I was there was unbelievable. I'll be getting paid for 17 hours. Yes, there was significant down time and a pretty nice spread for lunch. But 17 hours is 17 hours. 

         I'll have to say that from now on when I watch a movie, I'll have a greater appreciation for what goes into the production of it. Hopefully, you will too. On a side note, the actors that are in the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) Union are a bunch of wining bitches! I understand they are entitled to certain privileges being part of a union, but do they have to complain about it so much? I could write on and on about the kind of people I met that do this every day. I'll let your imagination run free with that and I bet you'll be right on the money. The one thing I was disappointed about was that I didn't get to see Woody Harrelson in action. From what I was told he was in his trailer getting Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches while smoking weed and drinking Scotch. That's the life of a Hollywood actor we all dream of. 

         

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Lost on the Information Super-Highway

On Tuesday, my work building lost all Internet access. Since our Internet affects our DOS-based system, Intranet, and printers, it is a huge inconvenience. Typically, these disconnections last for a few minutes before being fixed. We were without Internet access for approximately six hours on Tuesday. By Wednesday, we were back online and all was well. Until noon that is, when once again, we lost Internet access for the remainder of the day. Since I’m a pretty major player in my company, I was told by the higher-ups what is causing these problems. Apparently, Verizon is replacing our Internet lines with T1 cables next week. Until then, our current copper lines are subject to losing service when the temperatures are high. This makes me ponder two questions: are you fucking kidding me and how the hell did people work in the 1980’s?

I find it comical that a multi-million dollar company in 2011 doesn’t have working Internet due the latest “heat wave” to hit Northern Virginia. This heat wave includes temperatures a few degrees higher than the average for this time. It’s not as if this area is new to a high in the upper 90s. Luckily, my branch is not completely lost during this inconvenient truth. A few associates have remote access laptops, which I have been blessed to use during this time. It allows me to utilize two functions: writing orders/bids to customers, where the computer moves at the same speed as two old people fornicating and checking my email, which is working at a good half hour delay. A simple five minute customer transaction in the past now takes about 20 minutes. I am surprised we even have cable lines at this point and not dial-up. Not good times.

My work characteristics can be described as strong work ethic, dependable, and accountable. I can also be described as a time thief. The Internet was my place to escape from the harsh realities of big pipe and enter a world of limitless possibilities. My computer has been known to frequent ESPN.com and deadspin.com, as well as my fantasy teams. Now, I’m stuck to drawing obscene pictures on Microsoft Paint. How did people work in the 1980’s where the Internet was still being worked on by Al Gore? Where did they slack off during the work day? No wonder so many people were addicted to Nintendo and blow during the Reagan years. I know this is a great opportunity for my elder associates to tell us how it was in the old days, but guess what? The old days sucked and that’s why we have the technology we currently enjoy today.

This week’s post is just a friendly reminder not to take the Internet for granted. It’s not just for pornographic material and online betting. Twenty years ago, the only way Pat could have conveyed his daily thoughts would have been to pass out a pamphlet every day, hoping people would read it. He’d look like someone who needed a ham sandwich. Instead, he gets to type out his musings instantly without having to succumb to having to wear pants and looks like a guy who gives away ham sandwiches at his discretion.

         -Written by Marcus Boyd