Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Good morning Ham Sandwich lovers. Today's Words of Wisdom h h old a special place in my heart because of this past weekend in Dewey Beach, Delaware. Some friends and I went in search of a Memorial Celebration and found an all weekend affair, it would start on Friday and end on what is called "Suicide Sunday."

           So here are my Words of Wisdom. If you are going to drink all day, DO NOT d  ouble fist with liquor and beer! Dewey Beach has a couple of signature drinks that are loaded with liquor and taste like virgin daiquiris. Prepare to be in bad shape fast when you pair that with a cold Miller Lite. Try to know your limits before you become the wasted guy stumbling down the street, blacked out, before the Sun goes down.

           I arrived late on Friday night and met everyone else at the bar. During the walk I noticed all of the people stumbling around and slurring their words. It was quite a spectacle. Fast forward to Saturday morning and there I was with a "Dewey Devil" and a bottle of beer on the fast track to blackout town. I went there with a vengeance, trying to drink as fast as possible until my ability to communicate was severely hindered. I then would stumble back to the hotel room, hoping someone had done the same, stopping at random food joints for mozzarella sticks. And I don't even like mozzarella sticks. I'd love to tell you why that’s what I ordered, but if you've read this far, you know my brain was fast asleep long before I wandered into that pizza place.

          The next day came as sure as my headache did, but I was in Dewey Beach and had to roll with it. We headed to the bar for breakfast and a medicinal Bloody Mary. I was scarred from a bad experience with a Bloody Mary in NYC one afternoon so I thought about going with a Mimosa. Normally I don't give any weight to what bartenders tell me about their drinks, but when it comes to Bloody Marys, I will always trust an older lady that looks like she's had a few in her day. (And maybe a few already that day.)

           After breakfast we all headed to the bar to continue our weekend of festivities. I didn't learn anything from the night before and went right back to double fisting like a damn rookie.

          SoS again, DO NOT double fist when you're going to be drinking all day. Sunday didn't last nearly as long as Saturday did. I was passed out in the hotel room before 6pm. From what I was told I had quite a lean going on and looked like I had been awake for 72 straight hours. The next day was rough to say the least.

                Since I can’t learn from my mistakes, I hope that you can heed my warning. If you are going to drink all day, DO NOT double fist liquor and beer! Because let's be honest, the mozzarella sticks I was eating could have been a Ham Sandwich, if you know what I mean.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Give It Up Camping

Saturday was a real lovely day for me. I grabbed lunch with the creator of this blog in Falls Church. After a nice lunch, we hung out at the New Speasy until we hit a rooftop bar in Arlington. After a few Coronas, we hit up Adams Morgan for a kickball party (free beer). After abusing this party for hours, I met up with my girlfriend in Midtown before going back to her place to pass out. All and all, a real lovely day. Oh yeah, there was no fucking Rapture!

Harold Camping, Christian radio broadcaster/old coot, had proclaimed that May 21^st was supposed to be the Rapture and the world was supposed to end later this year on October 21st. He figured out these dates based on calculations from his interpretations of the Bible. The Rapture, for those who don’t know, is Jesus selecting to save the chosen few believers (according to Grandpa Harold, 200 million people or 3% of the world’s population) as the Apocalypse begins. So Saturday came and passed by, and everyone is still here.

We can say Camping is 0 for 1 predicting the Rapture, but that would be a lie. He actually is 0 for 3 as he has predicted May 21, 1988, and September 7, 1994 previously. So far, we know his interpretations of the Bible are way off. Perhaps he forgot to carry the one when doing his Bible math and was off a year. Maybe the Bible isn’t meant to be interpreted in this manner. Have you ever read a passage from the Bible? It’s not exactly the easiest read out there, but it also isn’t a Tolstoy novel by any means. Maybe God decided that the Macho Man Randy Savage was enough for him and spared the rest of us from Apocalyptic earthquakes, floodings, and wildfires.

You would figure Harold Camping would admit he was wrong after this weekend when God let things be status quo for the time being. It would be refreshing if he came out and said the following, “Ladies and gentlemen, the Rapture didn’t happen on Saturday. I was wrong. I just made up that date because I was trying to get Gertrude and Beatrice (or insert any other old lady names) to have a threesome with me before Saturday and thought this was my only chance. Once again, I’m sorry. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” However, Papa Camping was not willing to accept this. He claims last Saturday was a spiritual day of judgment, and that the physical Rapture will now occur simultaneously with the destruction of the universe by God, October 21st. He just bought himself a few more months before going 0 for 4, or what we would call in baseball, the Golden Sombrero.

Harold Camping, just give it up. You have had a respectable career following and researching the Lord’s work, but you are now coming off like someone on crazy pills. You are picking arbitrary dates based on your “interpretations”. You are giving Christians and elderly people a bad name. You also roped many innocent people and businesses into spending over $100 million dollars into this campaign of informing the world of the May 21^st Rapture. You have also refused to refund any of the donations you received, claiming the world has not ended yet. This is sad Harold. Just give it up man. It’s not happening.

What happens though if Gramps gets it right in October though? What if he does get off the snide and is accurate when calling for an October 21^st Rapture? Would God really be willing to end the world one day before the Notre Dame/USC game? If Pop Pop is right, I’ll be the first guy to apologize to him in Heaven and offer him a bearfight. That is, of course, after I tell the lord and his disciples the jelly and jam joke.

                    -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Hey folks, it's Wednesday again, so here are some words of wisdom. I was thinking about this for a while. I didn't know if I wanted to go back to something about driving, which I could do every week. I feel like there are some seriously bad drivers out there that need help. I thought about personally attacking someone for being stupid. Then, I thought I should do something that could help out more people.
         If you plan on being in a public place, or you know that you'll be around a lot of people and you're not going to a rodeo. TAKE A SHOWER! Jesus Christ, for Pete's sake, for crying out loud, for the love of God, even for shits and giggles, just take a shower! Even a "hot spot" shower, which is when you wash your naughty parts, armpits and face. At least that way you take care of the nasty areas and won't smell like pile of shit being fucked by a hobo. Even if you don't have the money to buy the nicest body wash out there, you can get a 20 pack of bar soap for around $5. Let's get it done and stop living your life in filth.
          And don't try and tell me you didn't know you were going to be out and didn't have time to shower. You know when you are going to be out, and even if you didn't. Why would you smell in the first place? Doesn't it bother you when you can smell yourself? I can't stand being able to smell my own stench after a workout or a healthy shit. I shower or flush immediately. It's just plain gross. It bothers me that I even have to say this. This is one of those things that should be involuntary like breathing or blinking. A switch should go off when your nose hairs recoil at the hint of your own body odor. "Hey I need to take a shower," should be echoing in your brain as the neurons are firing on all cylinders. I mean think about it, you go to a store or a library and casually walk past another patron and an awful smell just wafts in your face. WHY? Why did that person go out in public smelling like a dirty gym sock inside a dirtier jockstrap inside a sweaty shoe? It's GROSS! Take a shower!
          This certainly won't be one of my longer posts, but it needed to be said. There are some people out there that you expect to smell bad. Like homeless people, or the French. I don't get upset with the way bum behind the Getty station smells as I'm getting a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. He's supposed to smell that way. The only showers he gets are probably golden. So unless you're homeless giving hand-jobs you need to take a shower!

Writer's block?

          There comes a point in every young writers life where they just can't think of anything to write about. They reach a wall similar to what runners encounter in a long race. When that happens there are only two options to choose from. One, you can just accept the wall's massive size and give up. Pack it in and call it a day, or week, or month. Option two, look for some cracks or weak points in the walls great surface and pick at it until it opens up wide enough to wiggle through. Much like the runner who has to dig deep and bust through the exhaustion and pain to finish the race, you as a writer must find a way to "finish" as well.
          I'm not an accomplished writer by any means, but I've run into this problem multiple times trying to put up 3 to 4 blogs a week. The way I pick at the weak points might be the same way you can. Interestingly enough I use some of the same methods for writing that I do when I hit that runner's wall. I've never run a marathon, but I've done some long runs in my day. I did a half marathon while overseas, and a few 10K races and 6Ks. In all lengths of a run you will hit something that tries to take away your will to finish and make you stop. Whether it's just a short distance hurdle or a long distance brick wall, there will be a point in the run where the thought crosses your mind to start walking and justify it later. It's the same thing with writing. Maybe it's a book you're trying to finish or a blog you want to keep current. There comes a time when the thought crosses your mind to chalk it up as a loss and just stop.
          I don't know about you, but for me, there is no worse feeling than quitting on something before it's finished. When I was just starting out as a runner I did that once during a 5 miler. I'll never do that again because of the overwhelming feeling of failure that washed over me. It was something that was in my head for a few weeks after the race. I didn't quit and just walk away, I walked for a mile or so before trotting across the finish line. That time I reached the wall, pulled up a chair, sat and marveled at it's power to remove all my will-power. It wasn't until I ran my next 5 miler that I realized how much influence our minds had over our bodies. I came to that same wall and literally talked myself over it and to the finish line. It was after that race I knew that I would never quit a race, or anything else for that matter, again. You might be thinking, "this doesn't have anything to do with writer's block." I disagree.
          Writer's block, in theory, is just a wall that needs to be overcome. From my experience, that can be done simply by talking your way through it. It might not seem as extreme as running a long distance or doing anything physical for that matter. But it is, and it needs to be approached in the same fashion. You gather up your will-power, dig deep inside you, take a couple whacks at that wall and wait for it to come down. When writing, that can be done in very different ways. It's might not be as easy as just telling yourself to keep running and not to give up. You have to brainstorm, get some things down on paper, do some research and figure it out. Research can be watching the news, or browsing the Internet. NOT for porn! Unless you're writing about porn I guess. How about just taking a piece of paper and writing down the first couple things that pop into your head. You'll end up with a paper of mostly garbage, but something on that sheet might jump out at you and stir the pot of creativity. Sometimes you have to engage people in conversation and see where it goes. It might go nowhere, but what does that hurt? There's a chance, you need to be willing to take, that it leads you to an idea you didn't think about. The point is, writer's block isn't something to be taken lightly and needs to be handled with the same mental toughness that can power you through mile 9 of a half-marathon.

On a side note, that's where I estimated hitting a wall when I ran my half-marathon. I'd like to point out two things about that race. The longest I ran leading up to that race was 6 miles. I didn't get to properly train because I was traveling a lot through IRAQ. Also, I finished just a shade over 2 hours!

           So getting back to the overall premise for this blog. Whether it's a long race, a tough week at work, a strenuous workout or writer's block. It can all be overcome by will-power and a strong understanding of how much influence your mind has over everything you're doing. If you don't believe that, you'll end up quitting later in life and giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches behind a Waffle House. I had a case of writer's block the past couple days. Then it occurred to me, "you can write about anything you want, why not write about not being able to write?" BOOM blog post!
       
     

Johnny on the Spot

           Where is the best place to get some serious thinking done? Where did some of the greatest inventors of our time come up with their ideas? Where did I come up with the topic of this blog? All these questions have the same answer. It's the only place you can sit back and have a thought to yourself. I'm talking, of course, about the bathroom. The shitter. The office. The throne. Whatever you call it, the toilet has literally saved lives.
           Legend has it Thomas Edison came up with the idea for electricity while he was pinching one off. A draft came in and blew out his candle so he thought to himself, "It sure would be convenient if I had a light source that wouldn't go out when the wind blew." BOOM, electricity. If you think Alexander Graham Bell came up with the telephone somewhere other than the toilet, you my friend, are dead wrong. The automobile you ask? Yes, that's right. The toilet was the catalyst for that great invention. Henry Ford had a bad case of the runs and couldn't make it to the can quick enough to avoid an embarrassing, that's why I had to throw out my pants, story. Henry thought, "If only I had a way to get around quicker. The wheel was a pretty good idea, maybe I should build on that." Now we're paying over $4 a gallon, but that's not Henry's fault. The bathroom is, in one way or another, responsible for everything we have today. Yes, everything!
           I can sit here and write how the toilet has influenced every invention in the past 150 years, but I won't. Because I'm at work and don't have that kind of time. I'm already getting weird looks for being on a webpage called Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches.
          I do have one question about the bathroom and the advancements we've made over the years. Why can't we make a urinal that doesn't splash piss back on my legs when I use it? I mean seriously, there are a hundred different kinds of urinals out there and everyone I use splashes my own pee back on my legs. I highly doubt I'm alone on this one. Can you please tell me what's going on here? We can put a man on the moon but we can't engineer a toilet without a splashback? I don't think I have an usually strong pee flow so I need to know what I'm doing wrong. I've aimed up. I've aimed down. I've aimed to either side. One time I even aimed in the opposite direction and boy was that guy pissed on. Get it? No, but seriously he was mad! The story doesn't change though. There is always a very good chance that some of my own piss will end up back on my legs. Ridiculous.
          They have changed the urinal a lot in the past 50 years and nobody thought of this dilemma? Am I really the only one that experiences this? I will give a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich to the guy that invents the "No Splashback Urinal." You know what, you don't even need to give me the Ham Sandwich. Just let me piss in the urinal with bare legs exposed and stay dry!
       

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Coming Out Party…..Kinda Sorta

The NBA should be in the sports headlines this week with its intriguing conference finals match-ups and its annual NBA Draft Lottery. However, the main headline on Sunday was Phoenix Suns CEO/President Rick Welts coming out of the closet and announcing he was gay. While most people associated with the team knew of his sexual orientation, the announcement was still somewhat of a surprise. He acknowledged that it was easier to come out as a 58-year-old executive as opposed to a current player, saying "at least in male team sports," the attitude toward gays is "definitely not in step today with where society's thinking is on the whole topic. You know, it's going to take some time." The big issue I have with this is why haven’t we seen an openly gay male superstar?

Billie Jean King, Martina Navratilova, and Sheryl Swoopes are among some of the prominent female athletes who announced they were gay during their playing careers. Among the notable males who announced their homosexuality:

• Glenn Burke, marginal MLB outfielder for three years in the 1970’s. He is the only athlete among the four major sports to come out during his playing time. He believed his short sports career was caused to the prejudice against gays in professional sports. I also believe no one reading this post has ever heard of this guy (me included until I did the research).
• Billy Bean, marginal MLB outfielder for eight years. He came out of the closet four years after his retirement. Known more as the other Billy Bean, as Oakland A’s GM/creator of “Moneyball” Billy Beane is the more famous of the similar names.
• John Amechi, journeyman professional basketball for eight years. He came out two years after his retirement.
• Akil Patterson, NFL prospect was outed when NFL scouts questioned the rumors of his sexuality during the combine. Since then, he has switched to Greco-Roman wrestling and is a hopeful for the U.S. team for the 2012 Summer Olympics.
• Gareth Thomas, Welch rugby player. He came out after he retired from international play, but continues to play locally.
• Greg Louganis, famous U.S. Olympic diver. He was openly gay while competing in the 1980s.     

There were a few names left off this list from the NFL and college basketball, but all of these athletes came out after their playing careers were over.

I have a few gay friends. I also feel I have even more gay friends than I know about, but they remain in the closet. I am not naïve. Despite the fact our society is more open to the gay lifestyle than in previous decades, it is still a taboo issue in some areas. I cannot say I know what it is like for these people to have to live their life in secret, but it is an absolute shame that these people believe they have to. All of the above athletes, unless noted, all mentioned they were afraid their careers would have ended prematurely if their orientation was made public. Even the athletes who were open about their lifestyle felt they had to live more privately to avoid public ridicule.

Unfortunately, it will take a current successful athlete to come out to break down this barrier. This person would need to be extremely strong emotionally as this would be a major news story. This person would receive a lot of media attention, but it would be subject to harassment from people who oppose homosexuality. And there are a lot of people out there who don’t embrace this type of open lifestyle. Some may think why a person would subject themselves to all this media scrutiny when they can continue their job while being a homosexual in private, but I do feel I will see an athlete reveal he is gay during his playing career one day. It will be a truly groundbreaking day for the sports community as hopefully it will make it acceptable for gays to play professional sports without having to keep their orientation a secret. Just like Jackie Robinson in the 1940s, there will be controversy, but it will be better for sports in the long run.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

New York City

          There are certain cities in the United States that have something they are known for. Chicago is windy and has great deep dish pizza. New Orleans has Bourbon Street, beer, boobs and awesome Cajun food. Philadelphia is known for cheese steaks and passionate sports fans. It’s always raining in Seattle. San Fran has the gays. But New York City is on a different level. There are things that you will see in NYC that you just won’t see anywhere else in the country. Even if you go to New York frequently and you know what to expect, something will happen that will blow your mind. 

           I’ve been to NYC a handful of times and I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what the city was all about. I went up there this past weekend and boy was I wrong. I saw some shit this weekend that will stay with me the rest of my life. I’m not talking about 3 headed, fire breathing midgets. I’m talking about real things people do or say that make for great stories with while you're crushing suds with your buddies at happy hour.

          I realize some of these stories are “had to be there” type tales and won’t be funny to you. I’m not worried about that, I’m only going to share one story anyway. I want you to understand this is the tip of the iceberg. To fully appreciate what this blog is about, you need to get yourself up to NYC and stroll around for a couple hours. Keep your head on a swivel and your ears open. Soak it all in, then step back and try and wrap your head around some of the crazy shit you saw/heard. 

It may or may not be important to set this story up a bit, so here it goes. 

          Saturday morning has come and gone. It’s afternoon now and I’m starting to get hungry. There are a couple ways to get your day started off on the right foot. Breakfast is usually at the top of the list. However, when it’s on or around 12, nothing beats a nooner! That doesn’t stop my hunger pains for long though and I can really go for some brunch. My good friend Margo and I head downtown on foot to find a restaurant with a first-class menu. We end up on 23^rd street and 6^th ave. At a very nice place with a decent spread. The food was very good and the mimosa that came with it really hit the spot. Not far away is a coffee shop that is heavily spoke of in the coffee drinker circuit, so we head over to check it out. One of those “had to be there” stories happened here but without being able to act it out it won’t have the same affect. Anyway, it was on the walk back uptown when I saw one of the funniest, ugliest, craziest things I’ve ever seen. 

           While walking up the street, I think it was 8^th ave., everything was normal until we were about 25 yards away from a bar that I couldn’t tell you the name of to save my life. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon, birds were chirping and the breeze was moderate. All of the sudden, bursting out of the front door of this bar like the SWAT team on a bust, was a giant transvestite with a microphone. This wasn’t a dainty little guy that could pull off the woman look either. This was a 6’ 3” dude with shoulders that would make Coach Ditka shed a tear. He was wearing stilettos that put him at about 6”7” and a zebra print skin tight dress. He had the attention of everyone on that block and started shouting into his microphone “Two dollar mother fucking shots . . at the bar . . at the bar!” He had surprisingly good rhythm but a voice that solidified his manhood more than the penis bulging out of his dress. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing. Not only was this giant penis wielding woman screaming at everyone. It was only 3:30 in the afternoon and this bar was giving away $2 shots. So a couple Jameson shots later we were back on our way. I mean for $2 how can you say no?          

          I hope I did this story the justice it deserved. Keep in mind this was one thing on a very long list of things that happened this weekend that made me question the decisions people make. The point of the blog is that New York City is strange animal and unlike any other city in the U.S. I live right outside of D.C. and I have to walk around for blocks with my Ham Sandwich before I get what I’m owed. NYC has the exchange of Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches happening on almost every street corner without batting an eye. Only in America!