Osama bin Laden = 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

          You know what the best part of getting Osama Bin Laden is? It totally took the news feed away from that stupid Royal Wedding. No, but seriously. I want to congratulate all the soldiers out there doing their jobs and making something like this possible. We've been tracking this guy for a decade now and we finally got him. There are a few things about this whole ordeal that bother me though. None of which have anything to do with the soldiers that got him, the raid, where he was hiding, the President making a speech, the thousands of people that rallied in D.C. and NYC after the news was dropped or anything else related to those topics. My issues have to do with the Facebook philosophers and conspiracy theorists that come out of the woodwork when something like this happens. Also, how I'm sure the news is going to try and spin this in a negative way coming up to the election. 

          Why can't we just enjoy this moment and take it for what it is. We got the Ace of Spades! The Top Dog! The most influential terrorist of our generation is now dead! That's all it has to be. But that's not all it will be. It will turn into a political stunt by the Democrats to boost their popularity for re-election. The Republicans will turn this into anything possible to help their chances in the election. Before you start thinking anything, I'm a Republican. However, I don't think for one second that this was some kind of stunt by Barack Obama. Like he knew where he was for a few years but wanted to wait until the election was closer to go and get him. Come on, don't be ridiculous. I also have no problem with the speech he gave afterward. A lot of people have an issue with the way it sounded like he was taking credit for it. The bottom line is this; he is the Commander in Chief, he authorized the operations leading up to the raid and he authorized them to move it and attack. He gave credit to the soldiers that carried out his orders, but the fact remains he was the one that had the final say. So I have no problem with the way he delivered the news.

          And you know what? Who cares? It wouldn't matter if he stood up there and said, "Yea, I had a vision while I was dropping a presidential deuce that he was in that compound. So I packed up my stuff and went over there and killed him myself" The whole point is, this guy is dead now. The soldiers that were there know what they did, and the people that really matter to them will give them the credit and love they deserve. Maybe it's just me, and I can't speak for all the soldiers out there because I know they all don't feel the way I do. But, I never asked for thanks or special treatment or wanted any kind of credit for doing my job. And those Special Forces guys don't need it either. I don't want you to think I'm comparing what I did with anything the Special Forces do. I'm just saying as a man and a soldier it doesn't matter who takes credit. The people that matter know the truth and that's enough. 

          I say we just sit back for a while and enjoy the moment. And NO, we can't pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan now. We are fighting a war on TERROR not just Osama bin Laden. He has a second in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, that will step right in and take over. Osama bin Laden was more of a symbolic leader rather than an operational one anyway, so the impact his death will have is hard to say. This is a great victory for us and will have tremendous influence over all the Islamic extremists practicing terrorism around the world. They will, however, continue to plot against those who enjoy a life of freedom and that's just the way of the world. So continue to support the troops no matter what and let's come together as a country and see the big picture. It's not about Democrats or Republicans, it's about Americans! From the richest of the rich living in the mansions of Beverly Hills; to the poorest of the poor giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches in gas station bathrooms. Embrace this victory and just live in the moment. Don't try to make it anything else than what it is. That fucker is DEAD! PERIOD!

How would you block a front kick?

          Any UFC fans out there? Whether you're a fan or not I'm sure you've seen the UFC before or at least know what it is. It's where two guys in the same weight class get in the "Octagon" and fight. You can win either by knocking the other guy out, getting him to submit, or letting it go to the decision at the end. Mixed martial arts has become one of the most popular sports today because of how just plain awesome it is. I mean who doesn't like watching two people fight? I would watch two completely hammered dudes fight in a bar, now I can watch two extremely well trained dudes fight on TV. Only in America.
          If you watch TV late at night or early in the morning you probably saw the commercial for the Tower 200 workout system. The main spokesperson for the Tower 200 is UFC Hall of Famer Randy "The Natural" Couture. Randy Couture is a legend. He has held the UFC Championship five different times. Two times as a Light Heavyweight, and three times as a Heavyweight. He is regarded as one of the greatest fighters in UFC history. That brings me to the question of this blog. How would you block a front kick?
          I don't know if you saw the fight this Saturday, or the highlights on SportCenter, but Mr. Couture tried an unorthodox way of blocking the front kick from Lyoto Machida. He used his chin. I'm not a mixed martial artist or seasoned fighter but I certainly disagreed with his strategy. Machida did a Karate Kid inspired crane kick and Randy took it right on the chin like a well paid Vegas hooker. Needless to say he went down like a sack of potatoes and covered up. The ref quickly stopped the fight before anymore damage could be done. Unfortunately that was Randy's last fight as a mixed martial artist and it ended in embarrassing fashion. If you saw this kick, the only thing missing was Mr. Miyagi in the background beating the double sided drum. I'm pretty sure Randy Couture should have tried to wax on, or wax off or MOVE HIS FACE! Of course I would never say any of this to his recently kicked face, but I'm guessing he doesn't read my blog . . . yet.
          So how would you block a front kick? Let's just say, hypothetically, you were in a fight with a highly skilled Karate style fighter in front of 55,000 screaming Canadians. Wait, scratch that, fuck Canada. We'll say it was in the good ole U.S. of A. How's Chicago sound? I just got done watching an episode of "The Chicago Code" on my DVR. Great show by the way. Anywho, back to the story. How would you go about blocking a crane style kick aimed right at your two front teeth? I'm not completely sure how I'd do it, but I do know I wouldn't try whispering to it like Randy did. Maybe a side-step or some kind of blocking technique. I know Randy has been fighting for a really long time and has seen everything. I just can't imagine his thought process was, "well I've blocked kicks in the past, let's see if I can take this on the beard and hurt one of his toes."
          I have to give credit to Lyoto Machida for being one of the more entertaining fighters to watch and taking a page out of Anderson "The Spider" Silva's book with that front kick. It was just crazy to see such a legend of the game go out like that. I also realize that if it were actually me in there fighting either of those guys, the fight would be over very shortly and I'd be spending my share of the purse in some kind of cast. Regardless, it was an awesome way to see a fight end. I just didn't think it would have been the way Randy Couture went out. After the fight I hope he went to the back alleys of Canada and got a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich eh.
         

The Royal Wedding

          Did you wake up this morning? Did you go online or turn on your TV? Then you saw some kind of story about the Royal Wedding. Yahoo.com is littered with stories about it from their first kiss, to some little frowning girl in a photo. I have one question for you about the Royal Wedding. WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?
          Since when do we care so much about a couple of limey Brits? It's not just today either. There were stories leading up to the wedding and I'm sure there will be more for weeks to come. I just don't understand why we are giving it so much coverage. News stations sent reporters to the U.K. to cover it live for crying out loud. WHY? Who really cares who the next Queen of England is going to be? She doesn't do anything anyway. She just waves her old ass hand and walks around. So is anyone really interested who the next useless Queen is? Not me.
          I'm sure it was an amazing ceremony. I'm sure everyone had a wonderful time. I'm just not sure it should have been given this much attention. And I realize that it's a Royal wedding and they are our allies and all that jazz. I just don't care that much about British people or weddings. Unless I'm in the wedding or it's someone I know. The Royal wedding might have been intriguing to you and that's your prerogative. You're probably the kind of person that asks to see the dessert menu, if you know what I mean.
          This was a short one, because it's Friday and I'm hungover. I saw all the stories about wedding and felt compelled to share my opinion on the matter. Feel free to leave yours in a comment. A better news story would have been the homeless guy giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches after the ceremony!

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Barack’s an American Citizen…Whoopee-dee-doo

            The big news on Wednesday was how Barack Obama provided a copy of his birth certificate to put an end to the ongoing rumors of Obama not being a natural born citizen of the US .  A recent poll found that 25% of Americans did not believe our President was born in the US (40% of Republicans believed that as well.)  All I have to say is we need to calm the fuck down America .

            First off for full disclosure, I am a registered Republican and do not believe Barack Obama has not done a great job as our leader.  However, this post will have nothing to do with my opinion of this man.  It has to do with how insane this debate has been.

            This debate has been going on as soon as Obama won the Democratic Primary in 2008.  While it has never been completely forgotten, it had cooled off until Donald Trump, potential GOP presidential candidate, brought it back into the limelight.  Despite providing legally binding documentation in 2008 of his birth in Hawaii , followers of the "birther" movement still demanded his birth certificate.  On Wednesday, it was provided and should have ended this controversy once and for all.  WRONG!

            Many of the FOX News all-stars are already claiming the birth certificate is a fake.  They had experts on their programs last night talk about how the birth certificate was ripped out of a book and photo shopped to make it look authentic.  Also, some people have flipped it on the “birthers”, claiming this is an issue of race, not residency.  We went from having one disagreement to having two.

            This shouldn’t even be an issue.  Since I was a youngster learning about the government in grade school, you knew the president had to be born in America and at least 35 years old.  I am hoping someone in the government checks on this before we elect a president.  I always assumed our president met the necessary requirements of becoming president.  I don’t even care if they use Wikipedia.  Just research it somehow.

            There will still be critics of this issue.  The only way they will believe Barack Obama was born in Hawaii is if Rush Limbaugh tells them to.  So, it’ll never happen.  As for the race card, I don’t believe this applies.  I believe this is an issue of Republicans vs. Democrats.  If Obama was white and had the last name of Laperriere, I am sure we would be having the same debate as critics would believe Barack Laperriere is from Canada or France .

            Speaking of the French, lets mention another douchefag: Donald Trump.  First, he demanded Barack show us his papers.  Then, he accused the media of blowing it out of proportion.  Then, he claimed he should be congratulated for having Barack provide the certificate.  I wouldn’t expect anything less from the man who ruined the USFL and hosts “Celebrity Apprentice”.

            Now that Birthgate has been cleared, maybe Obama can focus his attention on some other areas, like deadly tornadoes, our rising gas prices, our economy, or the Libyan war just to name a few.

           

                     -Written By Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

          Today's Words of Wisdom are about not being a lazy douche bag. In other words, Elevator Ediquette. I understand you might not be affected by people that don't follow these guidelines. However, I'm positive that you are affected by lazy douche bags, that if they had the chance would abuse the unwritten rules of the elevator.
           Why Elevator Etiquette? Why not? The kind of violations that I'm about to speak of were brought to my attention by a frequent elevator user and loyal follower of my blog. You might be thinking, "well Pat just because they break a couple rules that doesn't make them lazy douche bags." Think again!
           First things first, if you are only going to the 2nd or 3rd floor, take the stairs you lazy bastard! Let's just say you are walking up to a crowded elevator and ask them to hold the door for you. They do of course and you hop on. Now there is an elevator full of people that might be running a little late and counting on the efficiency of the elevator to get them to the 15 floor in a jiffy. The doors close, then everyone sees your sausage like finger reaching towards the '2' and they all think the same thing. "This lazy douchebag made us hold the elevator instead of walking up ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS!" Seriously, just walk up the steps for christ sake. If you get on the elevator and hit the 2 or 3 you're probably the kind of person that doesn't rinse and repeat in the shower, if you know what I mean.
           The second guideline I'd like to discuss has a little bit to do with the first. You know how buildings work, and you know how to count. I'm assuming those two things and I hope I'm not wrong. Having said that, if you know you are going to be one of the first people off the elevator, don't rush in and stand in the back! Let everyone else get on so you can be right by the door when it opens up. If you've been in the elevator with someone that has done this I know it irritated you. If it didn't irritate you, you're probably one of those people that asks for extra ketchup at the drive-thru, if you know what I mean. So the elevator stops and you hear this, "Excuse me, excuse me this is my floor." Really? Did you really have to stand all the way in the back when you knew you were getting off so soon? Why didn't you stand toward the front so you don't have to nudge your way out and inconveniece everyone? And God help you if you are only going to the 2nd or 3rd floor and you stood in the back. That's the kind of lazy ignorance makes me want to punch babies with another baby's fist.
          To sum it all up. Don't take the elevator if you're only going up one or two floors. You can use the exercise trust me. Also if you plan on getting off on one of the lower floors, don't stand in the back and be a douche bag about it. Let everyone else on first so you can be by the door. If you do either of the two things mentioned here you are probably one of those people that give Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. And you know what I mean!
          
          

Do as I say, not as I do

          How many of you have ever heard the phrase, "Do as I say, not as I do"? Really? I thought more of you would have heard that before. Anyway, it's basically a teaching philosophy used by certain people that know what's best but don't necessarily do it themselves. For instance, let's say you know someone that teaches a safe sex class for teenagers but on the weekends they like to bare back hookers in a cheap motel. They use the philosophy do as I say, not as I do. It's sort of hypocritical. Well it's actually very hypocritical. However, it can be a very affective method of teaching. It works best on younger adults and teenagers. Let me give you a more personal example.
          I am an uncle and a godfather to my wonderful niece Amber. She is currently preparing for her Confirmation next year. I have been asked to be her Mentor and Sponsor for this monumental event in her young Catholic life. Now I know what you're thinking. "Pat, do you think you are the best sponsor or mentor for a young teenager about to embark on this sacred journey?" The answer my friends, is yes! The reason I will be such a fantastic sponsor and mentor is because I understand the philosophy. Do as I say, not as I do. I have the unique ability to realize what's right and wrong for someone else and guide them down the path of enlightenment. I understand that if I wanted to go to confession beforehand I'd have to call ahead so Padre could clear his schedule. That's not important. Don't focus on the negative things I've done according to the Catholic church and 46 of the 48 continental United States. What we need to focus on here is that I'm an exceptional teacher and this philosophy will allow me to do the right thing.
          Another reason I'm allowed to use this philosophy and use it so well is because I have the advantage of being older and wiser then my mentee. This only works if the experience and education level of the teacher is much, much higher. I can say with a fair amount of certainty whether something would be a good idea or not because I've been there. I've probably done it and dealt with the unfavorable consequences. I will always tell my nieces and nephews not to drink in excess even though I still do it myself. It's good advice and I'm in the position to express how bad it is. Do as I say, not as I do.
         This incredible philosophy will work very well in my case as a Catholic Mentor. I may not follow the good book, or do the "Catholic" thing all the time, but I know what is expected of young adult getting ready for such an occasion. I've been there. I've seen many others go through it. With my vast knowledge of this milestone and what is or isn't frowned upon, I might be the best mentor. This does not work with everyone in every situation. Not too many people have the amazing ability to see someone else's rights and wrongs like I do. So if you are new to this philosophy, I warn you to tread softly. Check the temperature of the water before you jump in if you know what I mean. However, if you've been down the wrong path before and are either fighting your way back, or just going with the flow and hoping for another fork in the road, use this philosophy to your advantage. Experience is a powerful tool. Who would you listen to about the dangers of drugs and alcohol? A Mormon who has most likely never experienced either? Or a recovering addict who has been in the back alley in the past giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches? I'd be listening to the addict. That guy knows the ins and outs and the real life consequences. Do as I say, not as I do.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Despite All My Rage, Fuck Nicolas Cage

            Over the weekend, Nicolas Cage was arrested for domestic abuse, disturbing the peace, and public drunkenness while filming his newest movie in New Orleans .  This incident brings into question a disturbing trend in today’s America :  How the hell does Nicolas Cage keep getting $20+ million to star in films?!?!

            I am not a film critic.  I also have not seen all of Cage’s films.  However, I have seen enough to know this guy is a no-talent ass clown.  I have no issue with an actor making more than $20 million per film.  However, I have a problem when the actor isn’t any good.

            Nic Cage won an Oscar for his role in “Leaving Las Vegas” as a suicidal alcoholic who has a complex relationship with a prostitute.  It must have been a real stretch for him to play a degenerate whore-loving boozer (Based on this weekend, I assume he knows how to enjoy a cocktail.  As for the whores, he seems like the kind of guy with extra ham sandwiches in his pocket.  Also, I believe anyone that has ever played Xbox in Shawn’s basement could have replaced Cage and won the award as well.)  I realize this award allows him to command a higher salary.  Let’s examine some of his other noteworthy movies:

            The Rock:  I’ve seen this movie approximately 6,000 times (5,996 of them due to this being Pat’s go-to DirectTV movie in the past year.)  The movie is saved by Sean Connery, Ed Harris, and the rest of the cast.  Cage as a doctor wasn’t believable in the first place.  Cage as a doctor who kicks the asses of hardcore renegade Marines is an acting abortion.  I’m willing to give him a mulligan since this is his first film after “Leaving Las Vegas”. 

            Con Air:  This might be the greatest “bad” movie of our generation.  However, Cage ruins this movie for me.  His portrayal as Cameron Poe is lacking to say the least.  His Southern accent was as if he decided to make one up five minutes before filming.  I still maintain if Keanu Reeves would have starred in this movie, he’d be known as “Academy Award winning actor Keanu Reeves.”  I’m noticing a trend.    

Face-Off:  As a guy who loves unrealistic movies, even I couldn’t get past the fact Cage and John Travolta switching faces/voices despite the noticeable height and weight differences between the two.  I don’t think Pacino and DeNiro could have saved this piece of crap much less Cage and Vincent Vega.

After these movies, Cage became an actor demanding eight figures and routinely getting paid.  Some of movies did well, most did not.  However, the fact remains Nicolas Cage is an overpriced, overrated actor.  We need to stop him America .  He’ll keep buying castles and vintage comic books and evading the IRS if Hollywood keeps cutting the check.  Hollywood won’t stop paying this man unless we stop shelling out $12 a ticket to see him in movie theaters.  It’s up to you people.  I am begging you.

-Written by Marcus Boyd