You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Washington Nationals Can Suck My Dick

You Can’t Avoid Boyd

The Washington Nationals Can Suck My Dick

This year, the two beltway baseball teams, the Washington Nationals and the Baltimore Orioles, were two of the biggest surprises and made the playoffs. Washington DC hadn’t hosted a playoff game since 1933 (granted, they didn’t have team for 34 of those years) while Baltimore hadn’t hosted a game since 1997. Even though both teams were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, it was good to see both cities get swept up in the postseason. The joy was short term as corporate greed reared its ugly head.

As both teams played in the first round, they sold tickets for their next potential series, the League Championships. This is customary for all sports teams. If that team was eliminated in their current round, you would either get a full refund or your money goes towards your season ticket plan. However, the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles decided to charge a $6 non-refundable service charge on all of their playoff games, regardless if the game was played or not. The teams claim the fee helps offset the cost of printing and mailing these tickets.

The Nationals and the Orioles are not the only teams to adhere to this bullshit policy. There were five other contending teams who reserved the right of keeping these service charges as well. Most teams backed off this practice after 2002, when New York State Attorney General Eliot “I Heart the Whores” Spitzer fought the New York Yankees. The Yankees earned approximately $1.5 million in non-refundable service charges that year for games that were never played. Spitzer was able to get the team to give back 90% of those fees, allowing the team to keep the other 10%.

The reason why the Nationals specifically, and not the other six teams, can fellate me is three fold.

One, I purchased two tickets for Game 2 of the NLCS. The cheapest pair of tickets I could find came to about $160. I had no problem with that. The fact I am not getting back that $6 really chaps my ass. Who the hell are you, Washington Nationals, to deem yourself worthy of this fee? The capacity of Nationals Park for a playoff game (more standing room only tickets are sold than normal) is about 45,000. The Nationals were going to host four possible games in the series. If the stadium sold out each game and everyone bought two tickets (the maximum), the Nationals would make about $540,000 off of fee alone. That’s a pretty high amount considering the Nationals did nothing for this. There is no way printing and mailing tickets cost this much.

Second, I am still waiting for my refund. I bought my tickets two weeks ago. The Nationals were eliminated on October 12^th. Game 2 of the World Series is going to be played tonight and I don’t even have my refund from game 2 of the NLCS. According to the message boards, the Nationals are the only playoff team that hasn’t issued refunds yet. This includes the New York Yankees and the St. Louis Cardinals, teams that advanced to their respective LCS and were eliminated within the last week. One media outlet is reporting it may take up to six weeks to issue all the refunds. There is a lot more money at play with this than the $540,000 we talked about last paragraph. While they will refund this huge surplus, they’ll get be able to pocket the interest. We are talking about a six-figure interest dividend. Considering the extra money they made for hosting three playoff games and the extra fees/interest they “earned”, the Nationals can’t complain financially of their short trip to the postseason. I know they weren’t willing to shell out the extra money needed to keep the Metro open late, those cheap bastards. Living Social was willing to foot that bill, despite it never coming down to it. Such a grand gesture considering a majority of its fans takes the Metro to and from games.

Third, eight hours after their heartbreaking Game 5 loss to the Cardinals, a few National insiders got an email regarding the team’s pre-sale of World Series tickets. What an incredibly thoughtless kick to the balls for this tortured fan base. The Nationals were nine outs away from advancing, only to watch their bullpen choke away a three run lead over the final three innings. They were up two in the top of the 9^th, with their stud closer on the mound. One of baseball’s truly devastating collapses and the Nationals’ box office can’t even think to cancel the automatic emails set up to deliver to the fans the next day. I wonder what those fans felt like after seeing that email on Saturday morning. I sure they felt like they had woken up on Christmas morning, only to realize they were Jewish.

I wish the Nationals would nut up and do the right thing, but I know they won’t. If fans bail on them over this issue, they won’t care. Too many people are on the bandwagon right now that will replace them and they are blinded by foolish pride. We’ve seen this happen with the Washington Capitals before, back when there was a hockey league. The thoughts of Steven Strasburg pitching with a longer leash and Bryce Harper having a full season under his belt will excite Nats fans in 2013. However, all is not golden in DC. Their revered starting rotation shit the bed against the Cards (Supposed Cy Young Winner Gio Gonzalez struggled through ten innings in two starts). Their 2013 rotation will probably be without Edwin Jackson and they will have to depend on surprise playoff stud Ross Detwiler. In 2012, the Nationals were saved by their bullpen. Bullpens are always hit or miss, with no exact science to it. Who knows if they can pitch as well, if not better, next season. And while their lineup will have some money to spend, they might have some holes to deal with. If Adam LaRoche leaves, the team will need a first basemen or an outfielder (if Michael Morse replaces him).I wish the Nationals well going forward. I’d even wish them good luck if they gave me back my six fucking dollars some time before Halloween. If my Natitude offends any of you, you can fuck your dick.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Good, The Bad, and The Winehouse:2012 Baseball Edition

The Good, The Bad, and The Winehouse: 2012 Baseball Edition

I am back with the longest running theme in the history of HJ4HS. Let’s look at the 2012 MLB season as it wraps up tonight (possibly).

The Good: Last season brought us the drama of 162^nd game, where the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals stole wild card spots from the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves. In an attempt to keep the end of the season competitive, Commissioner Bud Selig added a second wild card spot this year to the playoff format. Both wild card teams will play in a do-or-die game, with the winner taking on the top seed. Selig wanted to emphasize the importance of winning your division instead of settling for the wild card. Selig couldn’t have imagined a scenario like this. Entering Wednesday, the only thing we know in the American League is the Detroit Tigers are the Central Division winners and we know the four other playoff teams (The Oakland A’s, the Texas Rangers, the New York Yankees, and the Baltimore Orioles). What we don’t know is the AL West and East champs, who has home field advantage, and who will be hosting the wild card game. The National League still needs to figure out the top seed. Wednesday night won’t be as exciting as last year, but it should still be entertaining.

The Bad: Selig’s idea was good, but his planning and execution was piss poor. He was able to squeeze in the second wild card just prior to the season, but had to change the venue format for the first round. The higher seed use to host the first, second, and fifth games of the series (2-2-1 format), but for this year only, Selig changed it to 2-3 format where the top seed host the last three games. This was needed in order to keep the Championship Series and the World Series on schedule and avoid nightmarish travelling scenarios. Now, there is a chance the Washington Nationals only host one playoff game if they get swept. Not a fair deal for a city who hasn’t hosted a playoff game since 1933. The format will revert back in 2013, but 2012 is a fucked up blip in the radar.

The Winehouse: The Boston Red Sox. They went 7-20 down the stretch last year, including a walk-off loss in Baltimore that cemented their place in the record book for biggest baseball collapse. They cleaned house, hiring a new General Manager (Ben Cherington) and a new manager (Bobby Valentine) with the hopes of a strong 2012. They were dead fucking wrong. The hope was Valentine, the talented but controversial manager, would be able to divert bad media attention away from the players, yet he instigated it by feuding with longtime Sox player Kevin Youkilis. From there, injuries and subpar pitching decimated this team. In August, upper managements decided to hit the reset button and dump their best offensive player, Adrian Gonzalez, in order to dump some horrendous contracts. Officially waving the white flag, the team went 7-19 in September and will finish at the bottom of AL East (They are guaranteed to finish ahead of only four teams in all of baseball, possibly six if things go their way tonight.) Valentine is rumored to be hitting the bricks once this trainwreck of a season ends.

The Good: The Atlanta Braves. They had the biggest September collapse for about an hour until the Red Sox finished their choke job. This year, they enjoyed Chipper Jones’ swan song by making the post season and erasing all the bad memories from 2011. They carefully managed their best pitching prospect, Kris Medlen, to start the year in the bullpen after coming off of Tommy John surgery and he has emerged as the ace of the team. The Braves have won the last 23 starts by Medlen and will be a dangerous team if they advance past the wild card round.

The Bad: While Kris Medlen had his workload carefully structured, Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg did not. He started the season with a 160-inning plan. While it appeared the Nats would be a contender and Strasburg would hit his number in September, there was no contingency plan. The team didn’t want to shut him down for a long period of time & mess with his preparation and they were pretty firm on his innings. Sure enough, Strasburg made his last start on September 7^th and has been riding the pine ever since. Many people are speculating the Nats were ahead of schedule in terms of their development. They figured 2013 would be their year, not 2012. Well, GM Mike Rizzo has balls shutting down his top pitcher. If they don’t win the World Series, I am sure the off-season will be spent questioning Rizzo’s decision.

The Good: Miguel Cabrera. He is one game away from winning the Triple Crown (leading your league in batting average, home runs, and runs batted in.) As of Wednesday, he was leading all three categories. There hasn’t been a Triple Crown winner since Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. It is quite the honor. Having said that, I still think Mike Trout is the MVP of the league. The numbers he put up as a 21-year-old are mindboggling. I realize Cabrera is going to the postseason and Trout is not argument can be made, but Trout played for a contender and his defense was redonkulous. Also, this is the lowest batting average, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage in three years. If this was like the NFL, I would give Cabrera the offensive player of the year award to reward his season.

The Winehouse: The Pittsburgh Pirates. They were the darlings of the summer, contending in August. And then their dream turned into a nightmare. Rather than get excited about a playoff spot in September, the battle cry became “.500 or better”. Instead, the Pirates played atrocious baseball down the stretch and wound up with their 20^th consecutive losing season. There’s always next year I guess.

The Good: R.A. Dickey and Adam Greenberg. Dickey came out of nowhere to be one of the best pitchers in baseball. His knuckleball allowed him to win 20 games (2^nd best in the NL), strike out 230 batters (best in the NL), and have a 2.73 ERA (2^nd best in the NL). He is a contender for the Cy Young award and just revealed he pitched most of the season with a torn abdominal muscle. As for Greenberg, he was hit in the head on the first pitch he ever saw in the majors in 2005. He suffered a concussion due to the beaning and sat out two years with related health issues. Since then, he’s been in and out of organized baseball, never making it to the big leagues. Film maker Matt Liston heard Greenberg’s story and started an online campaign called “One At-Bat”, trying to him another at-bat in the major leagues (Getting hit by a pitch doesn’t count as an official at-bat). The story received national attention and the Miami Marlins were happy to oblige. On Tuesday, Greenberg suited up with the team on a one-day contract (MLB approved this, per the situation) and got to pinch hit against R.A. Dickey. He struck out on three pitches, but he is now among the 17,000 people to get an at-bat in MLB history.

The Winehouse: The U.S. performance on Sunday in the Ryder Cup. God awful.

The Good: Baseball in the Beltway. The Nats and the Orioles are both going to play October baseball. The Nats were a preseason dark horse, but the O’s came out of left field (horrible pun intended). It is great news for a Baltimore fan base whose been waiting for a playoff team since 1997. Also, give it up to Teddy Roosevelt, who won his first President’s Race on Wednesday, after 534 consecutive losses.

The Bad: The potentially small window of opportunity for the Orioles. They were incredibly lucky this year (14 straight win in extra innings and a .763 winning percentage in one-run games, which hasn’t happened since 1890). They are bound for regression and play an incredibly competitive division. I don’t think the O’s fall off altogether, but a lot of things happened for them this year to get to where they are. We’ll see if luck stays in Charm City for another year.

The Winehouse: When the Washington Capitals made the playoffs after a long stretch of sucking, the fans showed their ignorance of the sport and became cocky assholes. I’ve seen it happen already this year with the Nats and think it will only get worse the further they advance. Bryce Harper is good but he isn’t a god. The starting pitching is good, but loses a huge advantage with Strasburg being an overpriced cheerleader. The bullpen is looking a little sloppy down the stretch and some of the bats have cooled off with the weather. I’m not trying to rain on Washington’s parade, but I am trying to preemptively put an end to Natitude douchebaggery.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

 

From Josh with Love - One of Those Days

From Josh with Love

We live in a world of “processing”. On any given day, I process thousands of pieces of information, respond to it (both consciously and subconsciously) and move on to the next moment of stimulation. I would estimate that 95% of these instances pass without one extra second of thought, a fleeting moment in the 18 hours or so that I am awake each day. I watch the news in the morning, the radio is on in the car, I read the newspaper, I have a smart phone and yet somehow most of this information fails to make any lasting impact on my day, let alone my life. However, there are times, when for some reason I actually think about what I just heard or saw and what it means. Sometimes, it changes my day. I hold out hope that one of these moments changes my life.

Today was one of those days. I read an article this morning regarding Army suicide rates ( www.npr.org/2012/09/27/161853675/army-seeks-to-curb-rising-tide-of-suicides). Now, any other day I’d say “well yeah, these people are at war, tormented, kill people and try to return home and live a normal life. No wonder they kill themselves at a faster rate than ‘normal’ people”. Not today.

Suicide is a curious thing. If you’ve ever dealt with it you know what I’m talking about. I believe it’s that way because it can’t be understood, even if you’ve ever thought about it yourself. It’s hard to imagine that there’s a point when a rationale being can decide that death is a better option than life. Think about that person, making that decision; that a viable solution to a problem would be to simply no longer live. I’ve dealt with suicide before. I didn’t understand why my friend couldn’t come and play when I was 9 because he hung himself in a closet. I saw my Dad, hospitalized in a burn unit at the time; discover his best friend had shot himself in the face over a messy divorce. These things stick with you. So, what’s my point?

My point is that while news outlets, facebook, happy hour discussions and water cooler banter is focused on NFL referees, who got kicked off dancing with the stars, whether Obama is a Muslim, bacon shortages and any other frivolous topic; there are young men and women sacrificing their lives to allow us to live our life. We know that, it’s not a secret. When I read this article, it made me realize they are sacrificing so much more; their sense of self. They are protecting our rights to live the life we want, with the freedoms we have, so we can play words with friends while taking a shit and some return home to that very same life and decide that they would rather be dead. That, I can’t understand. We owe so much more than we can imagine to our troops. I try to appreciate our servicemen and women but the phone calls to my veteran friends (including the owner of this blog) once a year isn’t enough. So stop today and think about what these men and women are doing for you and the sacrifice they make. Think about the ones that will get that phone call from a friend on Veterans day and then 6 months later be remembered on Memorial Day. I did that today and I think maybe this day means a little more than the others.

              -Written by Josh

 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Hit the Bricks Sports, It's Time for Rock and Roll

Hit the Bricks Sports, It’s Time for Rock and Roll

I am not going to subject you to another post about the replacement refs. Since last week’s post, we’ve seen Bill Belichick try to grab a ref, Kyle Shanahan run down a ref, and the Green Bay Packers lose a game after a controversial ruling. On the bright side, there are rumblings this lockout may end as early as this week and Golden Tate has finally done something newsworthy since his collegiate days at Notre Dame. I know I can use a break from sports this week, so let’s talk about the cult classic “Airheads”.

“Airheads” is a 1994 comedy about a struggling rock band called “The Lone Rangers”, hoping to catch their big break by playing a song on the radio. When the opportunity to play their demo tape is denied, they hold the studio hostage with water guns (which looked like real guns). Hijinx ensues throughout this 90 minute film, ending with “The Lone Rangers” becoming loved, incarcerated, and famous all at the same time. “Airheads” is even dumber than my brief description. I am not going to say how awesome this movie is because, despite its rewatchability, it’s a piece of crap. However, this movie might have the best inadvertent ensemble cast of our generation.

I say inadvertent because none of the actors and actresses from “Airheads” was real famous beforehand. Let’s look at the cast:

-Brendan Fraser played Chazz, lead singer of “The Lone Rangers”. Before this movie, he played the frozen caveman in “Encino Man”. Since “Airheads”, he’s done a dickload of movies and is considered a movie star despite the fact I don’t own any of his movies on DVD, and I own a ridiculous amount of DVDs.

-Steve Buscemi played Rex, the guitarist. He was in “Reservoir Dogs” prior, but blew up after this movie. He has never been a leading man, but he’s a solid supporting actor. His true calling has been HBO television, where he received great reviews for his guest work on “The Sopranos” and has portrayed Nucky Thompson the last few years in “Boardwalk Empire”. He’s the acting equivalent of Scottie Pippen; you don’t want him running the show, but can take over at points when he isn’t being a great wing man.

-Adam Sandler played Pip, the drummer. This was Adam Sandler’s first major role in a movie. Prior to this, he was the silly guy on “Saturday Night Live” who sang about shoving shampoo bottles up your ass. Since then, he has made funny movies (“Billy Madison”, “Happy Gilmore” “The Waterboy”), serious movies (“Reign Over Me”, “Punch-Drunk Love”), and cinematic abortions (everything since 2010). Even his shitty movies do well at the box office. He is probably worth $1 billion dollars. God damn it. He does deliver the funniest line in the movie when he threatens to stab someone in the eye with his dick.

-Joe Mantegna played the DJ Ian the Shark. He was probably the most famous guy at the time this movie was made. Our generation knows him for his work on “Criminal Minds” and the actor whose name sounds like Joe Montana.

-Michael McKean played Milo, the uptight station manager, while Ernie Hudson played Sgt. O’Malley, the main cop. I lump them both together because they both were known for prior roles (McKean was in “Spinal Tap” and “Laverne & Shirley”, while Hudson was the black Ghostbuster), and both have been “That Guy” in several of your favorite movies or television shows. They will never play a major role, but they are tremendous in a smaller role. They’re like Steve Kerr; in the right group, they can perform beyond their abilities and accentuate the rest of the group.

-Chris Farley played Officer Wilson, O’Malley’s right hand man. He was early into his movie career and when he was in “Airheads”. Based on his SNL success, he hit it big with “Tommy Boy” in 1995 and became a top comedic movie star. He celebrated this by doing all the drugs in the world until his heart said no mas. Chris Farley was too beautiful for this world.

-Amy Locane played Chazz’s girlfriend. She never hit it big. In fact, the only thing she hit was some vehicle with her SUV in a 2010 accident. She was drunk (BAC of 0.268) when she crashed into another car, killing that driver and critically injuring the passenger. She will stand trial sometime this year for vehicular manslaughter. Hopefully, she has retained the new Speasy attorney.

-Michael Richards played Doug, a rigid station employee. He was a huge star at the time this movie was made, known for his role on “Seinfeld” as Kramer. Despite receiving critical acclaim for Kramer, he never did too much after the show and he never made it in movies. Any chance for a comeback ended in 2006 when he called some black hecklers the n-word and made some racially insensitive comments.

-David Arquette played Carter, a surfer station employee. He was part of the “Scream” movies. His role as a dumbass cop didn’t garner any Oscar consideration, but it led to him consensually fucking Courtney Cox to the point they were married for several years. You lucky bastard.

-Reg E. Cathey played Marcus, a black activist station employee. His racially motivated one-liners provided entertainment throughout the movie. He played Tommy Carcetti’s campaign manager in “The Wire”. This is my opportunity to state how “The Wire” was the greatest television drama of our time.

There you have it. A star studded cast. I didn’t even mention some of the other actors in this movie. Harold Ramis, Judd Nelson, Allen “Grandma’s Boy” Covert, Rob Zombie, Mike Judge (creator and voice of “Beavis and Butthead”) and “Stuttering” John Melendez all had small roles/cameos . No one is going to confuse “Airheads” with “Citizen Kane”, but it’s no “Freddy Got Fingered” either. Next time it is on and you have nothing else to do, take a seat and enjoy this 1-1/2 hour masterpiece.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Not Your Typical Boyd Football Post

Not Your Typical Boyd Football Post

On September 3^rd, 18-year old Jamie Kuntz, a freshman linebacker for the junior college North Dakota State College of Sciences, was kicked off the football team for conduct detrimental to the team. Coach Chuck Parsons said Kuntz had lied to him. Kuntz admitted to lying to Parsons, but says the real reason he was kicked off the team was for being gay.

Kuntz missed the first game of the season against Snow College due to a concussion. The team had him videotape the game in the press box. Kuntz decided to invite his 65-year old boyfriend, who lived near Snow College, to the box as well. That is not a typo, 65 years old. Towards the end of the 63-17 defeat, Kuntz and his boyfriend embraced in a kiss, a kiss that was more than a peck but less than a makeout. The kiss was caught by some of his teammates on the field and surprised many. Kuntz had kept his homosexuality a secret from mostly everyone, including his family. The coaching staff had heard what happened and Parsons asked Kuntz on the bus ride back home what had happened in the press box. Kuntz had told Parsons the person next to him was his grandfather. After the ride, Kuntz grabbed Parsons and admitted to the lie. Two days later, Kuntz was dismissed from the football team and he eventually withdrew from the school.

Coach Chuck Parsons was completely within his right to kick Kuntz off the team. In my many years of athletic experience, there is one universal rule I’ve observed: don’t lie to the coach. If you lie to your coach, you are basically signing your own death warrant if you get caught. Take it from someone who has lied to his football coach before and gotten caught. I knew my punishment could have ranged from verbal (“Don’t ever fucking do it again”) to the extreme (kicked off the team, while my teammates removed my clothing and tar and feathered me). Luckily, I was giving a verbal reprimand and that was that. Despite Kuntz’s claims that players have done far worse (underage drinking, fighting, etc.) and not been dismissed, Parsons acted within his rights.

Having said that, I think Parsons completely overreacted. Parsons could have disciplined Kuntz in a manner of ways, such as suspending him or having him perform extra conditioning. Kuntz had asked if there was any way he could receive an alternative punishment, Parsons responded he could not as it had become too big of a distraction. And this is where the controversy comes in.

We live in a society where we have yet to see a notable athlete come out of the closet while playing. Perhaps everyone in the NBA, NFL, NHL, or MLB is straight, but that is highly unlikely. Is America ready for gay athletes? I’d like to say we are, but it appears we are not. Case in point, the view of gay marriage in this country. It is still a hot button issue in this country. 44 states do not allow it. We can’t even agree as a country about two people of the same sex, who we wouldn’t know otherwise, getting married but we’d be ready for a NFL player to come out as the closet?

Jamie Kuntz said he kept his sexuality his secret because he didn’t think his teammates could handle it. Based on the jokes and comments they made regularly about gay people, he didn’t think they’d pull a 180 and fully accept his lifestyle. Once again, I’d like to think our society would be able to look past this, there has been no precedent ever set before. We have yet to see how people would deal with an outed teammate. I don’t blame Kuntz for his decision to lie to the coach in this particular instance. It’s just unfortunate that in 2012, people still need to lie about their sexuality. Until someone comes out publicly, we’ll continue to see people be secretive about their alternative lifestyles.

Unfortunately, that lie is what is going to keep this topic in the news for awhile. If Kuntz had been forthcoming from the beginning, I don’t see how he could have been dismissed from the team without there being a clear case of discrimination. Instead, the lie allows there to be enough reasonable doubt that this dismissal was warranted, regardless of the implied bigotry. The only person who will ever know if Jamie Kuntz was kicked off the NDSCS football team for being gay is Coach Chuck Parsons and I’ll doubt he’d ever admit it if that was the case.

Before you wonder when I became the voice of reason and a hypocrite, I realize that among my group of friends, we say some pretty offensive things. However, our over-the-top comments do not reflect our views on race and sexuality. Is it OK if we call someone in our group a faggot for no apparent reason? Absolutely not, but it does not indicate we are intolerant of gay people. I can safely say that among the people I call my good friends; there is not one person who would treat anyone differently due to their race, creed, gender, color, or sexual orientation.

Despite writing nearly 900 words on this serious matter, I can’t end without two observations. First, if Kuntz is pronounced like cunts, I laugh at the irony. That would be like a virgin being named Cindy Loosevag or a black guy being named Tyrone Whitecracker. Second, what the hell is an 18-year old doing with a 65-year old? Regardless of the gender, that’s disgusting. I don’t see how a teenager can be physically attracted to a senior citizen, without finances being involved. I know love doesn’t know an age, but with a 47 year difference, it can figure it out real quick. Absolutely sickening. Kuntz, do yourself a favor and find someone who was at least born after the Vietnam War.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Thoughts of an Idiot

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Thoughts of an Idiot

Rather than write a 1,000 words on one particular topic that none of you will read, I am going to write briefly about many topics today. Don’t worry, I have faith you won’t read this either.

God damn New York football Giants. First game of the season, coming out on primetime to defend your championship and you come out a little flat. You guys didn’t play bad, but you didn’t play well either. Victor Cruz had as many drops last night then he did all last season. On the bright side, the secondary, which was already shorthanded, suffered another injury when CB Michael Coe hurt his hammy late in the game. F word.

I guess the Dallas Cowboys weren’t joking around about beating the Giants’ ass. I know it’s one game, but Dallas looked good. Tony Romo was able to move around in the pocket and just avoid the Giants’ pass rush (reminding me of when Donovan McNabb use to do that shit all the time against the G-Men) and DeMarco Murray ran hard all game. Something named Kevin Ogletree caught two touchdowns and sent millions of fantasy players to their computers to frantically add him to their team.

How the hell does Dalton not rip out Brad Wesley’s throat at the end of Road House?!?!? Wesley is a ruthless piece of shit that had gone to great lengths to control the town. Oh yea, he also had your boy, Wade Garret, killed in some fucked-up game of “Heads or Tails”. As much as you want that sweet, sweet Dr. Elizabeth Clay ass, you got to finish the job sonnnnnnn. Luckily, the rest of the town showed up and used Wesley as a shooting target.

The NFL replacement refs did not do a bad job last night. Besides one miscall (calling clipping instead of block in the back) and a three-minute conference to discuss a no-call, I thought they called a good game. We’ll see on Sunday if this can work in the short term or if they’ll be as incompetent as they were in the pre-season. I still don’t understand how they could call a touchback when the Bills downed the Redskins at the 4-yard line.

Bud Selig must be feeling pretty good about himself. After witnessing last year’s last day of the regular season where the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals snuck into the playoffs, Selig added a second wild card team. As of this morning, 15 of the 30 teams are within five games of a playoff spot. Six of the eight divisions have at least two teams within five games of the top spot, including the AL East, where three teams (Yankees, Orioles, and Rays) are all amongst each other.

I wonder where Bobby Valentine is going to work next year. It definitely won’t be in Boston. He was supposed to right the ship. Instead, he accelerated the ship right into the iceberg. With the salary dump of Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, and Josh Beckett, it makes sense blow up the team and start from scratch. That includes the 62-year old ornery Valentine.

I can’t care how juvenile it is, there is nothing funnier than a hi-lo. You might call it table-topping, but it’s when someone kneels behind a person and someone else pushes that person over him. My friends call it the hi-lo and we can’t enough of it. We’ve done it in parking lots, we’ve done it in bars, and we’ve even did it at a wedding. It works best when you can get a lady to push, since no one ever expects them be that childish. A hi-lo has twice resulted in a sucker punch being thrown. I received both of those sucker punches.

The only reason people enjoy college football so much is that it’s a legitimate reason to black out during the day. Outside of St. Patrick’s Day and Fourth of July, you can’t do it unless you’re a full blown alcoholic (or my roommate White Powers). Luckily, there is a loophole that allows fans of college football to drink bourbon before noon and allows them as many trips to the ice luge that they can handle.

Speaking of abusive alcoholism, we are six months and ten days away from my favorite holiday of the year, Scranton Parade Day. Scranton opens their bars at 9 am on the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day for a boozefest of a day. They even have a parade, but they won’t just let anyone participate in it. Trust me, I’ve tried. It’s the only day of the year I can wear my kilt with pride. Next year will be special as this will be Henny’s unofficial 30^th birthday celebration. If you’ve never been, do yourself a favor and hit it up. Take it from a man heading up there for an eighth straight year, good times sonnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Why the hell is there a book about the raid to kill Osama Bin Laden? I could easily write an entire post about this but I’ll sum it as briefly as possible. You don’t join the Navy SEAL’s to brag about your exploits. You do it to serve your country and be an anonymous as possible. I’m a guy who likes to know everything behind the scenes, but this is a little much.

Remember when Josh wrote on here? That was fun.

Jessica Simpson keeps getting fatter and Will Van Housen is nowhere around to write about it.

Seriously, did Pat have these guys whacked before he launches the website upon us?

Andy Roddick played his last tennis match of his career yesterday. I’d feel bad for him that his career never reached his potential, but he gets to go home and fuck Brooklyn Decker. I now hate him.

Former Baltimore Ravens owner Art Modell died this morning. I won’t say anything bad about him. I’ll let all the Cleveland Brown fans do that for me.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - 2012 NFC Preview

You Can't Avoid Boyd

2012 NFC Preview

Last week, I gave you my picks for the AFC. This week, I hit up the NFC and make my Super Bowl prediction. Let’s get right into it.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles. Last year, they were the favorites and even called themselves “The Dream Team”. Well, that dream turned into a nightmare. QB Michael Vick couldn’t stay healthy, WR Desean Jackson let a holdout affect his play (he even admitted he didn’t give it his all in 2011…..what a stand up guy), and CB Nnamdi Asomugha struggled in a new defensive system. The biggest chink in Philly’s armor last season was letting former OL coach, Juan Castillo, coach the defense. The defense struggled early and Castillo dealt with rumors that he’d be canned. Head coach Andy Reid stuck with him and it paid off nicely as the defense rebounded towards the end of the season. The 2012 defense should be better early on, already familiar with Castillo’s system, and the addition of LB Demeco Ryans shouldn’t hurt. I believe last year’s disappointment will fuel this year’s squad.

*New York Giants. My prediction looked stupid when they won Super Bowl XLVI and I celebrated when I showed up to a job interview Monday morning smelling of success and whiskey. However, if not for WR Victor Cruz turning a 10-yard reception into a 99-yard touchdown in a key Week 16 victory over the Jets, I may have been spot on. The Giants became the typical “hot team” that rides their streak to a championship. Can they do it again? Absolutely. Will they? We shall see. They will only go as far as their defensive line and QB Eli Manning will take them.

Dallas Cowboys. As last season’s collapse down the stretch, the Cowboys addressed their biggest weakness by signing CB Brandon Carr and drafting CB Morris Claiborne. They are hoping WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten can recover from preseason injuries and WR Dez Bryant’s babysitters do their job. If those three can play up to expectations, this team is completely in the hands of QB Tony Romo and head coach Jason Garrett. I think those hands are as dependable as Romo holding onto a 2007 field goal snap in Seattle (www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVuQ5aw0HAQ).

Washington Redskins. I’d like to point out I believe this division is the only one where each team can win it. Not that I give the Skins much of a chance, but I can’t give say that about any other division. This team gave up a lot of draft picks to get Robert Griffin III, but it was a move they had to make. You need a top QB to win in this league unless you are completely dominant in another facet (rushing or defense) of the game. The Redskins don’t dominate in either and were hoping guys like Rex Grossman or John Beck can get it done. They couldn’t and that’s why DC’s future is tied to RGIII. He should excite in his rookie year, but I wouldn’t expect a Cam Newton-type of season. On the bright side, they can still have a winning record in the division because this team has a knack for showing up in divisional games, only to lose to non-divisional slapdick teams.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers. This team relied on its track-like offense and sieve of a defense all of last year. It might explain why they lost their only playoff game to the Giants, a team who could play defense, in frigid conditions. While Green Bay attempts to fix their defense, their offense should be as powerful as ever. While this gets fantasy football owners wet in their panties, it should also allow the Pack to top the division once again.

Chicago Bears. QB Jay Cutler gets his favorite target back, WR Brandon Marshall, back. If Marshall doesn’t go crazy this year, this could be a pretty sweet combo. If Marshall does go crazy, we might see the sourest of sourpuss faces on Cutler. This team finally canned OC Mike Martz and replaced him with Mike Tice. That is like replacing herpes with dumber herpes. This team needs its defense to step up in order to make the playoffs, and LB Brian Urlacher is already hurt and still has the stink of Jenny McCarthy on him. Not a good sign for their indispensable leader.

Detroit Lions. The Lions made the playoffs last year due to QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson tearing shit up. It also got 16 starts out of Stafford, which seemed to be impossible based on his career thus far. If it can get another 16 starts from Stafford in 2012, they may make the playoffs. I don’t think he’ll start every game. Despite Megatron’s ridiculousness, it’ll be hard for the Lions to make the playoffs again with no running game and a roster full of Correctional Facility All-Stars and cheap shot punks.

Minnesota Vikings. Their quarterback, Christian Ponder, blows. Their stud running back, Adrian Peterson, is attempting to play this year after tearing his ACL/MCL on a vicious hit 9 months ago. Their stud wide receiver, Percy Harvin, has more headaches than a middle-aged housewife just before her husband tries to plow her. Their defense is mehhhh. Other than that, they are a great team. On the bright side, Prince is from Minnesota.

AFC South

Atlanta Falcons. Conventional wisdom says it won’t be the Saints as no team has repeated as champs since its inception in 2002. Superstition aside, I think the Falcons will win it. Matt Ryan has an aerial attack that would make most quarterbacks jealous (WRs Roddy White and Julio Jones, TE Tony Gonzalez) and a good, young defense. It remains to been seen if Ryan can make the jump from good to great, but with a steady rushing attack behind him, he should have what it takes to top the South.

*New Orleans Saints. They seemed to have a very quiet offseason. Between Bountygate and QB Drew Brees’ contract negotiations, I am sure the Saints are glad football has started back up again. Sean Peyton is not allowed any near the team this year, but the offense should not suffer. They have had the same system in place for years and most of the personnel returns. If there is one player that stands out on this eventual playoff team, it’s OG Jahri Evans. He should win MVP. If you think that’s the Bloomsburg bias talking, then write your own god damn football preview. Please note: This prediction is null and void if God takes out NOLA with Hurricane Isaac.

Carolina Panthers. This team will be fun to watch, thanks to QB Cam Newton. It’ll be competitive, but it’s hard to imagine a finish higher than third in this tough division. They seem to have 93 running backs on their roster, but their offensive line is below average. Their defense, once a strength, is now a weakness. Newton was a revelation last year, but he needs to improve on his second half numbers in order for this team to overachieve.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Many expected this team to breakout last year. Unfortunately, QB Josh Freeman, RB LeGarrette Blount, and WR Mike Williams all regressed in their second year and everybody’s favorite sleeper pooped the bed. They replaced head coach Raheem Morris with disciplinarian Greg Schiano. It speaks volumes that the team had to settle on Schiano, coach of the powerhouse known as Rutgers University, after Oregon’s Chip Kelly turned down the job so he could coach the Ducks and their 9,238 uniform combinations. On the bright side, they had the feel good story of the off-season when they signed Eric LeGrand, a former Rutgers player who was paralyzed in 2010, to their 90-man roster.

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers. I don’t think there is any way this team wins 13 games again. However, they should still win the West as the rest of the teams aren’t exactly Super Bowl contenders. The 49ers brought in WRs Randy Moss and Mario Manningham to open up the passing. Manningham should help, but take it as a Giants fan who saw him play for a few years, he will make some plays that are ridiculous, but he will also run bad routes and drop some passes. Moss is a wild card. We haven’t seen him since 2010, when he played for three different teams. We’ll see if QB Alex Smith can bring out the best in him and vice versa, but if not, they can still run the ball and D it up.

Seattle Seahawks. I applaud Pete Carroll. Even though his team dropped some good cash on QB Matt Flynn, they went with rookie QB Russell Wilson as the Week 1 starter. The best man should play, regardless of financial obligations. With Marshawn Lynch going all Beast Mode (if he avoids a suspension for a DUI) and a solid defense, this team could make a run at the 49ers if anything goes right. I see a QB controversy in Seattle’s future, which leads me to believe second place is their ceiling.

Arizona Cardinals. WR Larry Fitzgerald is a stud. However, QBs John Skelton and Kevin Kolb are muff cabbage. I don’t even think they’d start in the Sunday backyard football game I play in. Their running game is sporadic and their offense line suffered a huge blow when OT Levi Brown tore his tricep. I want Notre Dame WR Michael Floyd to step in and be a difference maker, but all indications out of training camp is he looks horrific. Until the figure out the QB position though, this team blows dogs for quarters.

St. Louis Rams. You didn’t deserve this Steven Jackson. The Cowboys could have drafted you in 2004 and you would have been the running back for America’s Team. Instead, they trade down, you play for the Rams and you dominate on a shitty team. New head coach Jeff Fischer should inject some new life into this team and hopefully resurrect QB Sam Bradford, but this team shouldn’t do much. The fact that it can finish second in this division indicates how bad the West is. On the bright side, they have no defensive coordinator after Gregg Williams was suspended indefinitely for Bountygate.

Coaches That’ll Hit the Bricks

Jason Garrett- I can’t see Jerry Jones sticking with him if they don’t make the playoffs. Especially with big name coaches like Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher available.

Ken Whisenhunt- It seems like decades ago when the Cardinals were two minutes away from winning the Super Bowl

Boyd’s Super Awesome Super Bowl Prediction

New England Patriots over Green Bay Packers

-Written by Marcus Boyd

 

You Can't Avoid Boyd - 2012 AFC Preview

Boyd’s 2012 AFC Preview

Over the next two weeks, I will be giving my NFL preview with my Super Bowl prediction. I am capable of doing this because I can throw shit against the wall and have some of it stick (Last year, I successfully predicted 7 of the 12 playoff teams.) On the other hand, I am also a complete fucking idiot (I predicted the Giants to miss the playoffs and fire Tom Coughlin. They won the Super Bowl.) This week, I’ll preview the AFC with little snippets about each team. Bold teams win the division, and teams with asterisks are wild cards bitches. If you want me to predict each team’s record, you can fuck your dick.

AFC East

New England Patriots. They are the top team in the conference. They have the best coach in the game today, one of the best QB’s of all-time, and a receiving core headlined by their shirtless, Zubaz-wearing frat bro tight end. I can’t see how this team doesn’t win the division. If Rob Gronkowski was healthy for last year’s Super Bowl or Wes Welker catches a pass in the 4^th quarter, this team would be the defending champions. Instead, they enter the year as the favorites and hungry.

Buffalo Bills. This team spent a lot of money to become relevant again. They signed the best free agent on the market, DE Mario Williams, hoping for Reggie White 2.0. In the early 1990’s, the Green Bay Packers, who were struggs for over a decade, surprised many by signing the elite DE free agent. As a result, they became an annual contender and even won a Super Bowl. Unfortunately for the Bills, Brett Farve is not walking through that door. Harvard alum Ryan Fitzpatrick showed he is capable of greatness (his first few starts last season), but he is also capable of sucking balls (the rest of his career.) I’m banking on the ball sucking.

New York Jets. This team is a train wreck waiting to happen. After last year’s debacle (lost their last three games, fighting amongst one another, and missing the playoffs), Rex Ryan decided to back off his traditional Super Bowl guarantee and be more hands-on. His attempt to avoid controversy went out the window when the Jets acquired Tim Tebow. Incumbent starting QB Mark Sanchez needed competition, but not against the most popular player in the league. You’ll know the Jets fans will be cheering for Tebow the first time Sanchez throws a pick or goes three and out. Once Tebow throws his first two-hopper to a receiver, they’ll want Sanchize back in their lives. This is the Sophie’s Choice of crappy quarterbacks. One spark and this team is going to blow up big time.

Miami Dolphins. Ryan Tannehill’s wife is hot and Jake Long’s wife is pretty cute. That is all the positives about this year’s team. They hired Joe Philbin to boringly build this team from scratch. Based on the two “Hard Knocks” episodes I’ve seen, he doesn’t get jokes and this team should be drafting pretty high in 2013. On the bright side, the state of Florida doesn’t have a state tax.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens. This team is going to miss Terrell Suggs, but Joe Flacco and Ray Rice should still take the division. If not for the last minute meltdown last year in Foxboro, they’d have won the AFC championship. Instead, Billy Cundiff was real sad and Lee Evans is never allowed in the state of Maryland. Looks like he’s not eating crab cakes anytime soon sonnnnnnnn. Also, Ray Lewis just celebrated his 12^th anniversary for legally getting away with murder.

*Pittsburgh Steelers. NFL defenses and Georgia law enforcement couldn’t stop Ben Roethlisberger, but his offensive line might. Once a dominant line, the group’s play has declined over the years. Roethlisberger seems to take a beating every year and seems to be one big hit away from becoming Terri Schiavo. Having said that, the team is still talented, Ben (everyone in the media just calls him Ben) isn’t dead yet, and they should take one of the wild care spots. Plus, Ben and new offensive coordinator, Todd Haley, look like the type of dudes who finger blast, don’t wash their hands, and then run it under the noses of their friends the next day.

Cincinnati Bengals. This young team came together last year and took the last AFC playoff spot. While I don’t expect them to fall apart completely, some regression is likely. You can call it a sophomore jinx, but I call it the schedule. The division is pretty tough and this is a team who has struggled against the Cleveland Browns over the years. Andy Dalton may be the greatest ginger football player of our generation, beating out no one.

Cleveland Browns. They had two first round picks this year. RB Trent Richardson has had two knee surgeries in 2012 and QB Brandon Weeden is six months younger than me. Also, God hates the city of Cleveland. On the bright side, the Browns’ new owner was a minority owner of their hated rival Steelers.

AFC South

Houston Texans. The Texans were stuck in mediocrity until last year when they won their division and a playoff game. This team could be a Super Bowl contender, but two of their offensive weapons, QB Matt Schaub and WR Andre Johnson, are brittle as fuck. The team played without Schaub down the stretch, but relied on its running game and defense to win games. Asking TJ Yates to do anything beyond hold a clipboard is idiotic. Their offensive line was gutted by free agency and cuts, but they will look to be one of the top rushing teams again.

Tennessee Titans. I wanted to give this team a wild card spot, but I couldn’t. They are hoping that young QB Jake Locker can lead this team, that Chris Johnson shows off his skills that made him “CJ2K” in 2009, and Kenny Britt can stop being a fuck up. That’s a lot of question marks. Still, this is a team on the rise, especially playing in this division. Personal note, Stains wanted the Giants to draft Britt over Hakeem Nicks. What an idiot.

Indianapolis Colts. Forget everything you remember about the Colts. The Colts we remember were expected to win 12 games a year. This team might not get to 12 wins until Week 10 in 2013. They hit the restart button after their disastrous 2011 season, but they lucked out (no pun intended) by getting can’t-miss QB Andrew Luck. They will struggle this year, but they won’t be a pushover. Colt fans should rejoice that they’ll cheer for only two starting QB’s over a 25-year span (barring any injuries).

Jacksonville Jaguars. This team blows. Tim Tebow would rather be the backup of the Jets than the starter of this team. Their first round pick this year, WR Justin Blackmon, hates driving sober. On the bright side, Blaine Gabbert can’t be any worse than he was last year. The bar has been set that low.

AFC West

Denver Broncos. In case you don’t ever watch ESPN, Peyton Manning is on the Broncos. This team snuck into the playoffs last year and won a playoff game. This was despite running an offense that set back the forward pass 50 years. Manning inherits a team with a good running game, solid young receivers, a good offensive line, and a great defense. If Manning is 75% of his normal self, this team should easily hit 10 wins. One may wonder though how Manning will play after missing all of 2011 and playing all his games but one outside.

*San Diego Chargers. Betting on Norv Turner to do well is like splitting kings in blackjack; you can win but you will most likely lose and people will laugh at you. However, Phillip Rivers is capable of being a top 5 QB, his best receiver, TE Antonio Gates, is healthy again, and they are lousy with tall, fast wide receivers. They need to avoid their annual multi-game losing streak, but if they do, this team can shock the league. Please note I already feel queasy with the pick and it is mid-August.

Kansas City Chiefs. A lot of people think the Chiefs are a sleeper this year. I’m not a lot of people. Their running game has some questions, but if Jamaal Charles is healthy and if the 2010 Peyton Hillis shows up, watch out. However, when your QB is Matt Cassel, it means your running game better be good because your passing game is garbage. I know people are excited Romeo Crennel was named the head coach in the offseason, but this may be false optimism. Sure, Crennel looks better than Todd Haley, but so would Corky from “Like Goes On”. We’ll see if Crennel learned anything from his first head coaching stint in Cleveland, where he looked very confused and diabetic, on this second go-around.

Oakland Raiders. After Al Davis passed away at the age of 300, the Raiders decided to change their approach. Instead of relying on their outdated swagger and passing games of big arm throwers & insanely fast receivers who couldn’t catch the clap, new management is attempting to rebuild the whole team. Sure, their team looks the same as last year, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. The team will slowly build the roster and organization the way they want to, but it’ll take years to accomplish. As for this year, they’ll be a pain in the ass for everyone else in the division. On the bright side, Darren McFadden should put up awesome fantasy numbers in the seven games he’s healthy for.

Coaches That’ll Hit the Bricks

Rex Ryan-This is how bad I think the Jets are going to implode this year. I am sure him and his sensei won’t have problem finding work though.

Marvin Lewis- He’s been on the firing block for the last few years. Even the Great Red Head and AJ Green can’t help him keep his job.

Pat Shurmur- This isn’t even a prediction, it’s going to happen. New ownership + bad coach = beat it nerd.

Chan Gailey and Norv Turner will be saved based on my predictions. If I’m wrong, sayonara

               -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Weekend

The Weekend

The week already started and Monday has passed

We're well on our way to Friday at last

The weekend brings smiles and fun and cheer

And pint after pint of cold tasty beer 

So with the patience of a monk and the strength of an ox

I'll put on my pants and pull up my socks

Fight through the week like 300 strong

And make it to Friday, I've waited so long 

I'll drink whiskey at an irresponsible rate

Pick up a hooker and call her my date

Keep drinking until all the voices are quiet

Maybe go home, maybe start up a riot? 

Eventually pass out, alone in my bed

Relieved not to be in jail or dead

Awake in the morning, I've felt better and worse

Water and Gatorade will now be my nurse 

Start to recover as the Sun goes down

Grab another bottle and pass it around 

Rinse and repeat is the name of the game 

Plenty of options to focus the blame 

I don't judge you or how you deal with the stress

So don't you judge me or how I handle my mess

Let's just agree that we're on the same page

Make it to the weekend and let loose the rage!

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The Melky Cabrera Edition

When Pissing in a Cup Goes Bad: The Melky Cabrera Edition

Melky Cabrera was on top of the baseball world this year. After years of being the fourth outfielder for the New York Yankees and one uneventful year with the Atlanta Braves, Cabrera had a pleasant 2011 season with the Kansas City Royals. He was traded to the San Francisco Giants this off-season, hoping to cash in when he became a free agent in 2013. In San Fran, he was having a career year (leading the NL in hits, competing for the batting title, winning the Most Valuable Player (MVP) award at the All-Star Game, and a viable candidate for regular season MVP.) All that changed on Wednesday when it was announced he’d be suspended for 50 games for failing a drug test. Cabrera admitted to taking a substance that unnaturally increased his testosterone. The black cloud of drugs in baseball is back folks.

Granted, we are nowhere close to where we were in the 1990s-early 2000s, when performance enhancement drugs (PEDs) were being used like vitamins. That era can defined by three things; Brady Anderson’s 50 home run season of 1996 (he never hit more than 24 in any other season), Barry Bonds’ head can be seen from outer space, and Jose Canseco becoming the Woodward and Bernstein of our generation. After owners and players finally turned a blind eye to this issue, they allowed Major League Baseball to test for PEDs with severe penalties in 2006. Since then, we have had many slapdicks suspended, but there has only been one notable player to fail until Cabrera.

In 2009, Manny Ramirez failed a drug test and was suspended for 50 games for taking a women’s fertility drug (50 games is the penalty for first time offenders). Many in the industry say the drug is used after a steroid cycle to restart the natural production of testosterone. He used the most popular excuse upon hearing of the suspension: he used a medically prescribed prescription which contained an unknowingly banned substance. This seems to be the go-to excuse among failing a test. It would have more credibility if professional athletes weren’t surrounded by multiple medical experts who can examine anything and verify if it is legal or not. In 2011, Ramirez failed a second drug test and was suspended for 100 games. Rather than honor the suspension, he retired. He attempted a comeback in 2012, where he served a 50-game suspension (MLB gave him lighter punishment since he sat out all of 2011). Ramirez was a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame until these two failed tests.

Anyone who has been accused of using PEDs has not been voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmiero are members of the 500 home run club, which usually means automatic induction. Steroid use has always been rumored with McGwire and Palmiero failed a drug test late in his career. It is no coincidence that they are the only two members of the 500 club who are eligible for the Hall of Fame and not in it. In fact, their low vote totals the last few years suggest entry won’t happen anytime soon. 2013 should be very interesting as it is the first year of eligibility for Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Roger Clemens. All three have the stats that should make them unanimous selections but all three have the stink of PEDs on them.

Two of baseball’s current stars already have the scarlet letter of drugs on them. Alex Rodriguez has been accused of using steroids during his Texas Rangers days and admitted in 2009 that he did use a banned substance in the early 2000s. While he has been somewhat vague, many have taken that as an admission of steroid use. Despite A-Rod being fifth all-time in home runs, many are speculating his Hall of Fame candidacy with this admission. 2011 NL MVP Ryan Braun failed a drug test in December 2012, but had the suspension overturned when the collecting protocol was violated. There is no evidence to suggest this violation could have tainted the sample. Some in the sports media suggested Braun be stripped of his MVP award due to the previous failed sample.

That’s what drug use in baseball comes down to; perception. Steroids don’t improve your hand-eye coordination. They just help in adding mass. Human growth hormone doesn’t add break to your curveball. It just helps in recovery. PEDs won’t turn me into a major leaguer, but they can give a boost to a fringe player. Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez were two players deemed first ballot Hall of Famers before rumors of steroid use. Now, people wonder what parts of their careers, if any, were aided by PEDs. Would Barry Bonds be the all-time leader in home runs if he didn’t juice up? Would A-Rod be chasing Bonds if not for his boost in Texas? No one knows for sure, but the use of PEDs taints their career accomplishments.

People will be quick to disregard Melky Cabrera’s season due to his drug suspension. He’s a cheater. He tried to ruin the integrity of baseball. He was trying to steal money from owners with his impending free agency, based off the stats of a liar. Am I going to defend Melky for taking PEDs? No. He got caught and will serve his punishment. He didn’t hide behind an excuse, he owned up to it. However, do Cabrera’s 2012 numbers really look out of whack? Not really. They seem like an improvement from last season, but nothing jumps out at you except his .346 average. His power numbers have been pretty consistent throughout his career. There is no Brady Anderson-like spike for him. You can make the argument that Cabrera starting using PEDs last year since 2011 is when his overall improvement began, but there is no record of him failing any 2011 tests. It is possible for a 28 year old to improve his batting average throughout his maturation, but any benefit of the doubt went out the window when his piss came back lousy with testosterone.

We now get to watch baseball games where we suspect everyone is juicing, just like a few years ago. A world we can’t accept pleasant surprises, like Joey Batista or Mike Trout, without suspecting someone of taking PEDs. If they are guilty, we knew it all along. If they are innocent, we wonder how they are getting away with it. Thanks Melky for opening up this can of worms again.

             -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - What a Phucking Nightmare

You Can’t Avoid Boyd

What a Phucking Nightmare

During the MLB off-season this year, the talk of the league was how the NL East might be the toughest division in baseball. You had the Philadelphia Phillies, winner of the last five NL East championships. They were led by the pitching staff of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Cole Hamels and anchored by their new closer, Jonathan Papelbon. You also had the upstart Miami Marlins, as they embraced the city of Miami (dropping the generic Florida from their name) and changing their uniforms, stadium, manager, and spending habits. They dropped $190 million in bringing in big name free agents such as Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, and Heath Bell. The media was right in anointing the NL East as competitive. Unfortunately, the Marlins and Phillies have nothing to do with it. As of Wednesday morning, both teams were ten games under .500 and trailed the first place Washington Nationals by 17 games. To say both teams underachieved this season would be a huge understatement.

The Marlins season shouldn’t be a complete surprise to anyone. They were a 72 win team last season. They would have needed to improve by at least 18 games to make a run for the division title. While some of their younger players showed their upside in 2011, they were also very inconsistent. Plus, all the big name free agents had their own question marks heading into the season. Reyes is one of the best players in the game, but is injury-prone. Buehrle is a good pitcher being paid to be an ace. Bell had pitched in the best pitcher’s park over the last six years. The team had some flaws heading into the season that were exposed. The Marlins have gone into rebuild mode as they have traded away some of their best players already and have some interesting issues to address in the off-season. The early optimism in South Florida is gone as season ticket holders now get to watch a 70-win overpriced team play in a nice, new stadium.

Despite their failure, you can’t blame the Marlins for using this strategy. It has worked before. In 1997, they threw a dickload of money at several free agents and trade acquisitions and were rewarded with a World Series championship. After the season, their owner dismantled the team, claiming financial losses in this unsustainable business model. Their fire sale saw eight key players traded away in 1998. Adam Carolla once joked, "You can't just go out and buy a championship ring ... well, unless Dwight Gooden runs out of coke." The 1997 Florida Marlins proved that joke wrong.

The Phillies’ struggles are somewhat surprising. Bad luck and injuries are to blame for this lost season. Cliff Lee should not be sitting on two wins at this point of the year. The Phillies starting right side of the infield, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley, were out for the first three months of the season. Roy Halladay missed about seven weeks of action. The Phillies metaphorically waved the white flag for the year by trading two of their three starting outfielders at the trade deadline. Fans are hoping that this season is an aberration, but you have to wonder if this is the beginning of the decline.

In 2008, the Phillies shocked the baseball world and won the World Series. Fans couldn’t be any happier after all they had been though. After their last World Series appearance in 1993, the Phillies endured eight losing season in the next nine years. They started to turn things around in 2003, but lost their only playoff series in 2007. Things turned around after the 2008 season. Fans started coming to the ballpark again (they sold out 257 consecutive regular season games before it came to an end last week) and the Phillies were committed into winning another championship. Upper management reviewed their entire organization and realized they had a small window of opportunity. They knew they had the talent to compete for the next few years. Rather than try to rebuild their roster for long-term success, they made several deals operating under the “win-now” mentality. They traded several prospects for Lee and Halladay and committed big money to Lee (when he returned as a free agent) and Ryan Howard. The return on investment has been good, but not great. They lost the 2009 World Series to the New York Yankees, lost to the San Francisco in the 2010 NLCS, and lost to the St. Louis Cardinals in the 2011 NLDS.

Both the Marlins and the Phillies gambled. The Marlins gambled like assholes and lost big. The Phillies were smart about it. Rather than hope that they could catch lightning in a bottle again, they went after it big. While one can’t argue about their success the last five years, critics can point out that all this spending and depletion of prospects has led to one NL pennant, a bloated & inflexible payroll, and no rings.

I asked three Phillies fans for their view as I am just an outsider looking in. All three supported what the Phillies did and regret nothing. They said they got exactly what they wanted, a baseball team that has been competitive. The Phillies have lost in the playoffs to the last three World Series champions. They knew their offense would be tied to Howard and Utley, and no one could have predicted they become injured when they signed their contract extensions. They also believe this year is a blip in the radar. Based on their current roster, they have three great starting pitchers (Cole Hamels was re-signed to the second largest contract ever for a pitcher last month) and a decent offense in 2013. Plus, they may decide to add payroll to improve the team. Both fans admit they won’t be the favorites heading into next year, but they don’t see anything foreseeable that would prevent them from being in the mix.

In sports, that’s all you can ask for, a chance.

             -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - The XXX Summer Olympics

The XXX Summer Olympics: The Good, the Bad, & the Winehouse

In keeping with the Olympic theme, this post was written Wednesday at 9 am and will air primetime Thursday night.

The Good: American pride in events we wouldn’t give two shits about normally. We don’t care about swimming and gymnastics at all, except for two weeks every four years. Then, we become fanatics. The only other time we care about Michael Phelps outside of the Summer Olympics is when he is taking bong hits or making crappy Subway commercials. I’m glad he won his record-breaking 19^th Olympic medal, but by mid-August, it’ll be all forgotten. I didn’t even know what a Ryan Lochte was until he took the gold in the 400m individual medley on Saturday. Just as I jumped on the bandwagon, Lochte blew the gold medal in the 4x100m freestyle relay and didn’t medal in the 200m freestyle race. Pride was felt in the New Speasy when White Powers and I watched team archery all Saturday morning. Seriously, team archery. The Americans defeated the favorite, South Korea (which featured my Korean equivalent), to advance to the gold medal game. From there, our best archer, who looked like a drunker Matt Stafford, blew his final shot and allowed the greasy Italians to win the gold on their last shot. The Italians celebrated by making pasta sauce and comparing mustaches. Good times all around.

The Bad: The time delay between live events and its NBC broadcast. Back in the day, it wasn’t as big of a deal because we weren’t capable of getting live updates from around the world. Only Al Gore knew what the internet was back then. Now, between 24-hour news channels and updated technology, we have the ability to watch these events live and get updates via Twitter instantaneously. I know NBC paid a dickload of money to air these Games and they need to feature the highly anticipated events to draw big ratings and justify their investment. Some people (like my girlfriend) avoid social media to watch these events without knowing the result. Most people (like me) know the outcomes since ESPN, Twitter, Yahoo, CNN, and every other website display the results.

The Winehouse: Just as I give NBC some dap for making the best out of a bad situation, they completely fucked up on Monday night. The main draw should have been 17-year old American Missy Franklin winning the gold in 100m backstroke. Instead, they hyped up the race and went to commercial just before the race aired. During that commercial break, the Today Show ran a promo which featured Franklin wearing the gold medal. So the viewers who waited all day to watch this race were cockblocked by the Peacock. Come on, NBC. You are better than that.

The Good: We are only a few days in, and we already have had so much controversy. I loves me some controversy. There was a judo bronze medal match in which Cho Jun-Ho of South Korea was awarded the match against Masashi Ebinuma of Japan by the judges. However, the International Judo Federation intervened and reversed the decision. It was all moot because judo is one of the few sports that awards two bronze medals and both Asians walked away with medals. There was also South Korean fencer Shin A Lam, who lost a semi-final matchup due a timing error. Rather than win her match, a delay in the clock allowed German Britta Heidemann to overtake her in points to be victorious. Lam refused to leave the floor until the appeal was heard. She was forcibly removed from the floor by security before her appeal was denied. Then we have the eight women who were banned after tanking Badminton matches in order to get favorable match-ups in the quarterfinals. Olympic competition at its finest folks.

The Bad: NBC’s decision to edit the Opening Ceremonies. Instead of showing dancer Akram Khan’s tribute to the victims of 7/7 terror attacks in London, NBC edited out that part of the ceremony to run a tape-delayed interview of Michael Phelps conducted by Ryan Seacrest. NBC admitted the editing was to tailor to their American audience. And we wonder why people from around the globe hate America so much. Replacing a foreign tribute for a Ryan Seacrest interview is as American as it gets. The only thing missing to make it even more patriotic was a blonde girl with fake tits holding Taco Bell in the background.

The Winehouse: USA women soccer goalie Hope Solo’s hissy fit against Brandi Chastain. During Saturday’s 3-0 win over Colombia, Chastain, the color commentator during the Games, was critical of the play of U.S. defender Rachel Buehler. Solo immediately took to Twitter to trash the shirtless icon, saying she should become more educated in the sport and how the game has changed from Chastain’s playing days. Solo needs to shut her pie hole. Chastain is a color commentator and needs to be fair and objective. She can’t be a homer to the American team. She presented an honest point and shouldn’t be subjected to backlash for it.

The Good: The four athletes without representation. Reginald de Windt, Lee-Marvin Bonevacia, and Philipine van Aanholt all hail from Curacao. They walked out during the Opening Ceremonies as “Independent Olympic Athletes” and danced around like Kansas City Clearys. Cuarcao was part of the Netherlands Antilles until 2010, when the Antilles became part of the Netherlands. These athletes could have been represented by the Dutch, but they decided to represent their home land of Cuarcao, which is not recognized by the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Thus, their independent statuses. The fourth person, Guor Marial, could not attend the ceremony due to passport issues. His country of South Sudan is not currently recognized by the IOC. Marial refused to be represented by Sudan due to the 28 family members he lost to the country’s Civil War. I’m glad these issues did not prevent these athletes from their lifelong dreams of competing in the Olympics.

The Bad: U.S. gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s exclusion from the individual all-around final. She finished fourth in the preliminaries, but was not allowed to compete due to a rule where only two athletes per country can earn spots. Two of Wieber’s teammates, Aly Raisman and Gabby Douglas, finished second and third. While it stinks that America’s most recognized gymnast can’t compete despite her stellar performance, those are the breaks. The rules were put there to prevent one country from dominating an event. It’s unfortunate, but not controversial.

The Good: Sex. Now that I got your attention, let’s talk about sex. Apparently, the Olympic Village is full of horny athletes that do nothing but compete for medals and GET IT ONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! The cunty Hope Solo admitted to ESPN Magazine last month that you see these athletes sex it up anywhere and everywhere during the Games. It is reported that there will be 150,000 condoms handed out in London (15 per competitor) this year. In an unrelated note, Patrick Hennessy has officially begun training for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games for any event that will take him.

The Bad: The NBC show featuring three dudes helping their babies doing Olympic flips. “The Chicago Code” gets cancelled, but this piece of crap makes it on the air. I am assuming it’s a new show since they are raping us with their commercial every 20 minutes (or what Jerry Sandusky calls a slow Tuesday). I wish these dudes were pro-choice and they would BRING BACK THE CODE.

The Winehouse: While these Olympics Games are going on and baseball playoff races are getting interesting, why the hell is Sportscenter featuring a topless Tim Tebow running around in the rain? Can we please put Tebowmania on hold for two weeks before ass-blasting us with NFL coverage from training camps? I love football more than the next guy, but just give us a break before it consumes us for the next five months.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd