Is it March Yet?

           Every four years we get an extra day in February called Leap Day. 24/7/365? Not this year. We have 366 days in 2012. So what does that mean? Well, nothing really. Except for an extra day of Black History Month. Do you believe that? White History doesn't even get its own month, let alone an extra day every four years. Relax, I'm kidding. But seriously. What does this extra day mean for us? If you watch "30 Rock" like I do every week, we're supposed to take advantage of this day. We can do anything we want. Whatever happens on Leap Day doesn't count. Wait, what?

           Unless you knew about this already you might not have anything planned for this year. So maybe we should take this time to plan for 2016. And plan something crazy! Sky diving? Base jumping? Alligator wrestling? Bank robbery? Long distance swimming? Scuba diving? Unprotected hooker sex? The list goes on. The list also get really weird. So you should probably choose something for yourself. Just make sure you pick something you wouldn't normally do on a Monday. (Leap Day in 2016 will be on a Monday) Which is actually a perfect opportunity. Make a long weekend out of it and go nuts.

                  Well, that's all I have to say about Leap Year. I would like to touch on something else that happened over the weekend if you don't mind. Even if you do mind, blow it out your ass.

          I talked about stereotypes a while back but one of them got cemented this weekend. The Nascar fans out there know what I'm talking about. Women can't drive! The face of GoDaddy.com crashed 3 times this weekend. Apparently they all weren't her fault (I don't watch Nascar) but the fact is, she was in 3 crashes. Every race she was in this weekend, she crashed. So, I'd like to take this time to thank Ms. Patrick for confirming what we already knew in our hearts. Women can't drive. And if they're Asian women, run for the hills because it's about to get crashy.

         Okay, let's recap. This is a Leap Year and unless you have something planned for the 29th this year, let's starting thinking about 2016. It'll be a Monday and you'll have plenty of Vacation days to use and go bananas. Also, women can't drive. Thanks Danika. I'm going to celebrate Leap Day 2012 by doing something crazy. I'm going Subway to buy a 6 foot Ham Sandwich and get the best Hand-job money can buy from at least 4 bums behind the IHOP. (It's National Pancake Day so it should be packed back by the dumpsters)

Eat Healthy? Exercise? Nah, There's a Pill for That

           For many years now our country has had an obesity problem. It's quite possible that we are the fattest country in the entire world. There are a number of reasons that contribute to this sad fact. Laziness, fried food, bad eating habits, laziness, and some people have even said there is a gene that causes obesity. Well, I'm not buying it. The truth is; if you exersise and eat well, you'll lose weight. Period. If the calories you burn during the day are greater than the calories you take in during the day, you'll burn fat. It's science. For the math nerds out there, it looks like this. Calories Burned > Calories Consumed = Burned Fat. Burned Fat = Lost Weight. It's that simple.

          To be fair, it's not easy to eat right and exercise regularly. It takes a level of self discipline and will power to drag yourself to the gym everyday. And it can get pretty expensive to eat healthy. So it comes to do how much you value your self-image and overall health. Even if you can't afford to eat the healthiest food, you can still keep your calorie intake down by not eating as much of the bad stuff. If the gym membership is holding you back, there are a number of exercises you can do at home. It all comes down to what kind of shape you want to be in.

          I'd also like to be clear that I'm talking to the obese people out there. The problem I have with this whole obesity thing is that these people aren't happy with themselves. If you aren't happy with yourself, then do something to change it. I'm not saying that everyone needs to have sculpted abs and buns of steel. Shit, I don't have a six-pack but I'm happy with the shape that I'm in and I go to the gym to improve on it. If you have a couple extra pounds here and there and are happy with yourself, then so be it. More power to you. But if you can't see your feet and need help with everyday tasks, there is a problem.

         So what's the solution? There has been surge of healthy habits and exercise over the last few years. Shows like "The Biggest Loser" and "I used to be 600lbs", or whatever that show is called, demonstrate the benefits of working hard and eating right. It's just not enough. The message just isn't getting through to the people that need it.

         Laziness to the rescue! Yes, laziness appears to be the solution. A medical advisory board has endorsed the "obesity pill" and recommended it to the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) for approval. This is the same pill they tried to approve 2 years ago but it was found that the side effects were too risky. The side effects were heart problems and birth defects. Two years later they are trying to get this pill approved by saying the benefits out-weigh the risks. A strict regulation of drug prescribers and recipients will apparently lower the side effects. The side effects are still heart problems and birth defects. So is that what this country has turned into?

        Lazy, pill popping fatties. I'm saddened by the fact that, instead of doing it the right way, a pill is our answer to obesity. To be honest, I hope it works. What do I really think will happen? Obese people will take this pill and continue to eat and not exercise. They will remain fat and maybe lose the 10% of their body weight this pill promises. So instead of being 400 lbs, they'll be 360lbs. Great.

        In summation, I'd like to say that eating right and exercising is right way to get in the shape you want. I reiterate, the shape you want. I don't think everyone should be super thin or crazy muscular. You should be able to do your everyday tasks without help and be happy with yourself about it. If not, I guess now you can just sit back and feast on a pill. Just worry about your heart and the future of your children while cruising down Easy Street. Me? I'm going to find the fattest bum I can and make her chase me a mile before giving her a Ham Sandwich for my Hand-job. Every little bit helps.

        

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Nobody Wants Any Sausage Tom Green

Nobody Wants Any Sausage Tom Green

With February coming to a close, this is the last post for the “Worst in Hollywood”/”Props to a Black Dude” series. If you liked it, great. If not, eat a dick. Today, we talk about the worst movie of all-time, “Freddy Got Fingered”.

First off, I hope Stains isn’t reading this, because this will break his heart. There are a few things about Stains you need to know. He is a successful accountant, he is surprisingly athletic, and he is the biggest Tom Green fan ever. He loved his show and was beyond excited when he heard Green was going to a star in a movie.

The Friday the movie debuted, Stains bought 12 tickets early for it for him and his friends. He didn’t want to chance that the movie will sell out and he’d be left in the cold. Remember, this was 2001, we were all in high school, and alcohol, drugs, and pussy had yet to consume our free time. Unfortunately, he forgot to grab tickets for me and another friend. I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to get in as movies on the weekends typically sold out. Upon arriving minutes before the start time and waiting in a long line, we were able to get the tickets. Once we walked in, there were only 16 people in attendance, 14 of them being our crew. This was the first sign that this movie might not be worth our time and money.

90 minutes later, it was confirmed: the movie was crap. Sure, I laughed at some of it, but the movie was god awful. If you never saw the movie, you can Wikipedia it, but Green plays a failed cartoonist who moves in with his parents after he is fired from the cheese sandwich factory. Like his MTV show, the movie is scattered with shock and gross-out humor. The original cut of this movie was rated NC-17, but it was toned down to receive an R rating. It also co-stars Don Geiss from “30 Rock”, the chick from “Airplane”, the dude who bangs Stifler’s mom in the “American Pie” movies, and the female cop in “Super Troopers”.

The critics didn’t sugarcoat their thoughts on the movie. Several prominent movie critics gave the movie zero stars out of four, while the Toronto Sun thought it was so bad, it created a new scale and gave it negative one stars. The movie won five Razzie awards out of eight nominations, highlighted by Green accepting the awards in person. I don’t want to contribute Tom Green’s demise to this movie, but this was probably the start of his decline.

On a positive note, it has achieved a cult like following and did not win the “Worst Picture of the Decade” Razzie (“Battlefield Earth” took that honor.) Plus, Stains is only one of two people I know to have owned this DVD. If he ever gets married, I am bringing up this fact during the best man speech, whether I am the best man or some blacked out guest.

This week’s “Props to a Black Dude” goes to Greg Oden, who probably needs some cheering up after his latest knee surgery. He hasn’t had any good news since becoming a pro since some naked pictures were leaked on the Internet, showing off his monster dong. He was one of the top high school basketball players in the country before committing to Ohio State. He would have been the top pick in the NBA draft, but had to go to college for at least one year. In that one year, he was an All-American and led the Buckeyes to the championship game.

He came out for the 2007 NBA draft, being viewed as the top pick. However, Kevin Durant was also vying for the top spot. The Portland Trailblazers had the top pick and took Oden first, adhering to the “You can’t teach size” rule. They adhered to that rule in 1984 when they drafted Sam Bowie over some guy named Michael Jordan. Just like in 1984, this pick bit Portland in the ass.

Greg Oden has had four knee surgeries (three of them micro-fracture) in his brief pro career. He has only played in 82 games in his five years with Portland, which is the length of one normal NBA season. He hasn’t played since December 2009. In the same time, Durant has become one of the best players in the league. Props to Greg Oden, who needs something good in his life.

                   -Written by Marcus Boyd

Donuts, Ashes, Sacrifice, Easter, What?

          Happy Fat Tuesday. Today is the day where you get to eat all the bad stuff you want and not feel bad about it. Right? You can stuff your face with donuts and candy and whatever else you think falls into the category of "fat making" food. Well my description of this little celebration might not be the best one out there but it sums it up pretty well. Fat Tuesday is the day before Ash Wednesday, and the start of Lent. For those that don't know, Lent is a Christian observance of penance and sacrifice. It is very religiously significant in a number of ways that I'm not going to get into. Why you ask? Because: 1. I'm not a Priest 2. I don't feel like getting into it and 3. The only thing people really care about is giving something up for 40 days.

          Lent is the time of year between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. Now, for those of you who ran to your calendar to count the days. You'll find more than 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. Well, dummies, it's because the Sundays don't count. So you take Ash Wednesday and the three days that follow, plus the six full weeks until Easter (excluding Sundays) and you'll get 40 days. [(6 X 6) + 4 = 40] That number is significant in a number religious ways as well. I won't get into them, I'll just say them. The Israelites walked in the wilderness for 40 years, and Jesus walked in the wilderness for 40 days. If you want to know more about that then please Google it. I'd like to focus on giving something up and sticking with it for the duration of Lent.

          This is supposed to be a time sacrifice and reflection. The idea of giving something up for Lent is so you can understand sacrifice and appreciate what you have. There are a number of ways to accomplish this. Let's look at a few.

          You can take the easy way out and give up something that you don't use that much anyway. For example, you could give up cheese puffs. Not a big deal if you don't eat them that often. You can still gorge yourself with chips and not feel guilty. It's a pretty lousy way to do it, but who am I to judge. In this time of year I'm pretty sure you know who'll be doing the judging.

          You can step it up a notch and give up something you do use everyday. For example, you could give up drinking beer. Or eating all kinds of candy. Or drinking soda. Those are a step above the cheap bitch in the example above. But you can still get drunk, eat unhealthy and drink other crappy drinks. So it's not extreme that the big guy upstairs is looking for. (I'm talking about GOD)

         The next step is giving up eating during the day. Very similar to Ramadan (the Muslim celebration thing) where Muslims fast from Sun up to Sun down. That's no eating or drinking (water is allowed) from the time the Sun comes up, until it's dark out again. That's a pretty extreme way to do it, but that certainly is sacrifice. JC's dad would appreciate that I'm sure.

          The real extreme would be to fast completely for the entire 40 days. You'll probably end up really sick or dead so I don't suggest this at all. You want to look good in the eyes of GOD but you don't necessarily have to schedule a meeting during Lent.

          I like to go with the second option on this one. I'm not real extreme about it but I'm still going to give up something I use everyday. For me it will be candy and junk food. I was thinking beer, but with St. Patrick's Day coming up I'd have to drink Gin all day long and that's a dangerous, very dangerous thing to do. I usually eat candy at lunch everyday, so I'll certainly be sacrificing. Add that in with the fact that you aren't supposed to eat meat on Fridays during Lent and I'll be sleeping like a baby at night. What is your plan?

           And you know, even if you're not a Christian, you could give something up for Lent anyway. Whether you agree with it or not, it will still make you appreciate what you have and give you another level of discipline you probably don't use right now. So take this time to reflect, either about religion or just about your own life, and see what you're made of for the next 40 days. One thing I won't be giving up is exchanging Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. And that's just the way it is.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Insert Generic Jeremy Lin Pun Here

Insert Generic Jeremy Lin Pun Here

I know I usually write on Thursdays, but something needed to be on the HJFHS record about the latest phenomenon going on. It’s not shocking for a Harvard grad to be doing well in New York City (plenty of people in the business/finance sector went to school there). It’s also not shocking for something of the Asian persuasion to dominate Google searches (fetish porn websites). What’s shocking is that both criteria apply to Jeremy Lin, the New York Knick point guard that is the talk of the world right now.

Jeremy Lin went from nobody to superhero in a two week span. He was on two NBA rosters this shortened offseason before the Knicks claimed him on December 27^th. The team had two players injured and needed depth at the point guard position. His role was the last guy off the bench, as he did not play in 13 of the team’s next 22 games. In the nine games he did play in, a blowout loss to the Houston Rockets was the only game where Lin played more than seven minutes. The Knicks sent Lin to the developmental league in mid-January for a few days and there was talk of cutting him before February 10^th, the day his contract became guaranteed. He was sleeping on people’s couches, knowing he could be cut at any time. Fortunately for Lin, the team was playing horrible and Coach Mike D’Antoni decided to see what he could do before potentially cutting him. This was the smartest/luckiest thing D’Antoni ever did.

Getting extended playing time for the first time since his Harvard days, Lin went off. Despite not playing with the team’s top two players for most of this streak (Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire), he’s led the Knicks to seven straight wins. He’s the only player in NBA history to have at least 20 points and seven assists in his first five starts. His 136 points during that stretch is the most since the NBA-ABA merger. On Monday, he hit the game-winning three-pointer to beat the Toronto Raptors. Wednesday night was the first time he didn’t score at least 20 points in a game since Linsanity started (he only scored 10 points, but had 13 assists). Everyone and their moms know about Jeremy Lin at this point, with President Obama giving Lin some dap this week.

This story is beyond remarkable. I’m a sucker for underdog stories, but this is ridiculous. Victor Cruz came from nowhere this year, but as a wide receiver, he’s only involved in 10-15 plays a game. Tim Tebow had a great run in 2011, but he was a first-round draft pick and may be the greatest college football player of our generation. Lin was overlooked coming out of high school, college, and in the pros. No one saw this coming, including scouts and general managers whose main goal is to find basketball talent.

The best way to describe Lin’s immediate success is a perfect storm. It took a whole lot of little things to get to where we are. Lin has talent, but was rotting away the bench. Even the Knicks didn’t think much of Lin early on. However, the Knicks’ system was perfect for him. Mike D’Antoni requires a point guard who can run the pick and roll offense. Lin is suited for that style.

Despite his recent run, people are excited to see how he plays with Amare, a forward who has thrived in that style of offense before.

It also helps that the Knicks didn’t have a real point guard as another option. Toney Douglas and Iman Shumpert are shooting guards, Mike Bibby should have retired three years ago, and Baron Davis can’t seem to get healthy. D’Antoni was relying on Douglas, Shumpert, and Carmelo to play the point and that experiment failed. I don’t think Lin would be scoring 20 a night on any NBA team. He needed the right offense to get going.

Lastly, maybe Lin needed the constant rejection. He didn’t receive one athletic scholarship offer despite being the player of the year in high school. Despite the numbers he put up in Harvard, no NBA teams deemed him worthy of a draft pick. All the adversity might have made Lin a better player, forcing him to practice relentlessly and allowing him to bide his time until he got a chance.

I know some of you are already sick of this guy. He’s being covered by all media outlets, not just sports. The Knicks have become a big draw on the road, as Asians-Americans are coming to see Lin live in person. Knicks home games are the hottest ticket in town. Stores can’t get Jeremy Lin jerseys and merchandise fast enough.

There are two guys who are not ravaged by Linsanity. Writer Jason Whitlock made an off-color tweet about Lin after last week’s Lakers game, playing up to the stereotype of Asians being small in the dick department. He has since apologized, but that was retarded. A man in the media can’t make that joke. My friends can, but not a professional. Also, boxer Floyd Mayweather stated Lin is only getting attention due to his race, not his play. Once again, Lin is the only person to hit up 20/7 in his first five starts. I’m sure anyone would be getting this hype, regardless of color. Race might play into it somewhat, but it’s not the whole story.

There are so many goofy nicknames and word play with his last name. He’s not fantastic, he’s Lintastic. He’s not wonderful, he’s Linderful. He’s Linsane in the Membrane. He’s Linfinty and beyond. We get it; you can substitute Lin for in or anything for that matter. Frankly, I’m getting sick of some of these, but I am not getting sick of the player.

I realize Jeremy Lin will eventually have a bad game and the Knicks will lose a game. I know Lin hasn’t faced the toughest opponents yet. I know he turns the ball over too much for a point guard and has other flaws. However, this is a once in a lifetime story. A guy who couldn’t get a chance is now the biggest sports star in a big city. Will he stop putting these types of numbers? Probably, but one doesn’t know. All I know is this guy has woken up the Knicks from their slumber. Before their winning streak, the team seemed to be going through the motions and D’Antoni was on the hot seat. Now, the team has life. Teammates are genuinely excited for Lin and his play. Despite being a Knicks fan, I think it’s good for the NBA to have the Knicks as a positive storyline. And right now, Lin is dominating an otherwise mundane sports world. I was on board for Cruz and Tebow. You’re damn right I’m on board the Jeremy Lin train. I guess you can say I have yellow fever.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - If Only the Oscars Gave an Award for Best Kick

If Only the Oscars Gave an Award for Best Kick

I have very little expectations for a movie. I’d just like the movie to make sense, be worth the $12 to see it in theaters, and have some realistic acting in it. One of my pet peeves is when actors look out of place in movies. Charlie Sheen looked like he could bring the heat in “Major League”. Tim Robbins had the same throwing motion as my girlfriend in “Bull Durham”. That always bothered me, as he was a phenom flamethrower, yet threw like a Kansas City faggot. When it comes to action movies, I realize I’m not watching Shakespearian actors, but at least give me a decent performance. That’s why there is one action star out there that I always have to watch with a grain of salt: Steven Claude Van Seagal.

That’s right, it’s a tie between Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme. Great martial arts experts, god awful actors. Yet, I own several of their movies. Why? Because they are some of the funniest movies in my collection, unintended of course.

We’ll start with JCVD. After bursting through the scene in the late 1980’s, his first few films did quite well. “Bloodsport” got him onto the scene, and his early movies were box office hits. They kept it basic with JCVD. Early on, he played kickboxers, a karate expert, and a soldier, roles that pretty much were tailored to JCVD’s experience. Once the “Muscles from Brussels” actor hit it big, Hollywood couldn’t get enough of him. They decided to branch away from kickboxing and created more mainstream roles for him. Unfortunately, they required JCVD to act and his acting career with downhill.

Sure, you can blame the writing on “Street Fighter”, “Maximum Risk”, “Double Team” (co-starring last week’s subject Dennis Rodman),”Knock Off”, and “Universal Soldier: The Return”, but that was either a lot of bad writing, or one bad actor. Lately, his career has gotten back on track with “JCVD”, where he plays a somewhat fictional version of himself (just like The Weasel did in “Pauly Shore is Dead”) and his upcoming role in “The Expendables 2”. It seems his rejuvenation coincides nicely with Van Damme not acting outside his boundaries.

Steven Seagal knows how to do two things very well: karate and being a shitty husband (twice he knocked up girls that weren’t his wife while married). He is a 7^th degree black belt in Aikido and got his Hollywood start as a karate instructor. As a favor to an agent (a former Aikido student of Seagal), Seagal starred in “Above the Law”, about a cop seeking justice. The film was a surprise success and Hollywood decided to run the same theme into the ground by having Seagal play a cop seeking justice in his next three films: “Out for Justice”, “Hard to Kill”, and “Marked for Death”. In 1992, Seagal played former Navy SEAL Casey Ryback in “Under Siege” and it made him one of the hottest action stars in Hollywood.

No one could argue that S-squared knew his way around a dojo, but the man couldn’t act. His delivery was as vibrant as Terri Schiavo. Granted, producers paid him to kick the shit out of bad guys and deliver horrific one-liners. His next film was “On Deadly Ground”, where he played an environmentalist who defeats an evil oil refinery corporation. This started Seagal’s decline, where he did have some successes (“Under Siege 2: Dark Territory” and “Exit Wounds”) but more misses (“Fire Down Below”, another freakin’ environment movie, and about 15 pieces of shit that went direct to video.)

Despite their extremely flawed thespian skills, I think I can save them. They need to star in a movie as half brother mutes (Seagal is a cop in Thailand while JCVD teaches kickboxing in Los Angeles) where their father has been brutally murdered by the mob for no justified reason. They never knew about each other until the death, but now team up to avenge their father’s demise and defeat the mob, one kick and throat rip at a time. I would easily shell out $12 to see “Silent Treatment” in the theaters.

This week’s “Props to a Black Beezy” goes to Whitney Houston. Henny did a good job covering this earlier in the week, and I’m going to focus on the good instead of the bad (drug addiction, shaky marriage to Bobby Brown, her downward spiral of a career, infamously announcing “crack is whack” on network TV before relapsing, or her apparent accidental overdose.) Houston was the top female star for over a decade. All upcoming female singers aspired to be her. She is an indirect reason why shows like “American Idol” and “The X-Factor” exist today. Her music allowed her to be successful as an actress. Lastly, her rendition of the National Anthem at the 1991 Super Bowl should be the benchmark for all professionals singing that song. She sang it with pride and emotion but didn’t turn it into an eight minute song or flub the lyrics. When you look at the big picture, she had a career that anyone would be proud of.

                    -Written by Marcus Boyd

Houston, We Have A Problem

                 Stand down Kevin Costner, your services are no longer needed. On February 11th 2012 Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel room. The cause of her death will not be finalized until the toxicology report comes back, which typically takes 4-6 weeks. It has been reported that through a combination of sleeping pills and alcohol, Houston feel asleep while in the bathtub and drowned. Whitney Houston had documented problems with drugs and alcohol for many years. She was attempting a comeback that fell a bit short. Should we be surprised? Probably not.

                 Whitney Houston was one of the most talented singers of our generation. Her voice was powerful and pure. Her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at Super Bowl XXV was simply moving. Our country had just entered the Gulf War in the Middle East (Desert Storm) and she brought us together by belting out our National Anthem in the most amazing of ways. She then captured our hearts alongside Kevin Costner in the blockbuster hit The Bodyguard. The theme song "I Will Always Love You" topped the charts for weeks and earned her Grammy awards for Record of the Year and Best Female Pop Vocal. That same year she made a small slip up by marrying former New Edition member Bobby Brown. That marriage was anything but ideal, but gave them a daughter Bobbi Kristina. She kept her Hollywood career going with Waiting to Exhale and The Preacher's Wife, alongside Denzel Washington. She won another Grammy award in 1998 for Best Female R&B Vocal. Scatter a few domestic disputes with her "husband of the year" in there and her 1990's were quite a decade.

                She would struggle a bit in the 21st Century starting with cut lip and bruised cheek from self proclaimed "king of R&B" Bobby Brown. Her first visit to rehab came in 2004. She promptly returned in 2005 under court order. Her role in the reality show Being Bobby Brown should go unmentioned, but you deserved better than that. So there it is, she stared in the show that I'm sure you've never seen. Whitney filed for legal separation in 2006 and divorced Mr. Brown in 2007. Nice move, unfortunately it would be too little too late. Her problems with drugs and alcohol were already overwhelming and even after cutting ties with that loser husband of hers, the demons inside were gaining strength.

                Houston released an album in 2009 titled "I Look to You" which was fairly disappointing by her standards. It eventually went Platinum selling over a millions copies. That same year she announced to Oprah that she was drug free. Only to return to rehab in 2011. The last few months for Whitney were anything but glamorous. Pictures of the once beautiful singer looking like she should be begging for change on the side of a crowded intersection were popping up like her favorite painkillers. There were stories all over TMZ about her being wasted at clubs and just plain acting a fool. The drugs and alcohol had taken over and even extended to her daughter with a photo of the young Bobbi Kristina banging rails (snorting cocaine) at a party. All she needed was a couple tattoos and uglier face and she could have passed for Amy Winehouse.

                It all came to an end on February 11th, 2012 in a Beverly Hills Hilton. Without confirmation we can only speculate that it was an overdose of sleeping pills and booze that put her to sleep in the bathtub. But should we really be surprised? Anyone who knows anything about Pop stars should have seen this coming. Failed rehab after failed rehab will ultimately lead to an overdose in a hotel room. It really is a shame that we had to lose her this way, but she turned down this path years ago. Was it the money problems she was having after her 2009 album didn't do so well? I mean don't get me wrong, it went Platinum. But for Whitney Houston that just wasn't enough. Was it the fact that she kind of fell off as a star? Could it have been the divorce?

               Who really knows what the cause was. The sad part is nobody did anything to stop the downward spiral she was tumbling into. We lost one of the greatest voices in recent history to drugs and alcohol. And it seems a lot of the greats go out that way. The question we should ask is why? Why do they have to turn to substance abuse when they are famous? Why doesn't the rehab stick? Why can't people like any of the Kardashians or the entire cast of The Jersey Shore overdose in a hotel somewhere? It has to be the good ones? That's bullshit! I only hope someone tells Lindsay Lohan where she's headed. On second thought, don't tell her anything and I'll write up a much shorter and less eventful post when she eventually bites the dust in a motel 6.

              In closing I would like to say that Whitney Houston really was an amazing woman in the 1990's. It's a sad day for everyone that cares about music. I'd also like to point out that there hasn't been any cases of stars overdosing on marijuana. All they do is make hit movies. So I will honor the once great singer the only way I know how. I will head into DC and while I'm getting a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from a Houston look-a-like, I'll be singing "I Will Always Love You." R.I.P. Whitney Houston.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Jocking it Up in Tinseltown

Jocking It Up in Tinseltown

Charles Barkley once told America that he was not a role model. His argument was just because he is an athlete doesn’t necessarily make him a role model. There was much public debate if all athletes are role models. One thing that isn’t up for debate is that all athletes should never star in a movie.

This week’s “Worst in Hollywood” post will focus on athletes who think they can act.

Shaq: It’s understandable why Hollywood thought it would be a good idea to put Shaq on the big screen. He’s very charismatic in real life. He often gives funny sound bites during interviews. He has more nicknames than me. In “Blue Chips”, he basically played himself. Then, the writers evolved him into an acting train wreck. He was a rapping genie in “Kazaam” and a super hero in “Steel”. “Kazaam: is regarded as one of the worst films of all time and “Steel” made $1.7 million in the box office (despite a $16 million budget). Shaq was nominated for two Razzie awards in his acting career for Worst New Star (“Blue Chips”) and Worst Actor (“Steel”). Luckily, he stopped making movies (and rapping for that matter) and just decided to dunk on people and ask Kobe how his ass taste.

Hulk Hogan: Growing up as a boy in the 1980’s, you were either a Hulkamaniac or a communist. Hulk Hogan was the tits. His acting skills, however, was the gooch. Never applauded for his wrestling technical skills, Hogan brought his stiff repertoire to “No Holds Barred”, playing a wrestler who defeated an evil wrestling empire. He followed this up with “Suburban Commando” and “Mr. Nanny”, where he serves as some sort of babysitter while inspiring the father in each movie to stop being such a pussy and nut up. Both movies bombed horrifically.

Gheorghe Muresan and Michael Jordan: Both starred in one film and both sucked in it. Muresan played the giant in “My Giant” (he’s 7’7”) and then disappeared from the face of the Earth. Michael Jordan defeated aliens (who stole the skills of several NBA players) in “Space Jam” by extending his arm from the half court line and dunking in the final seconds. “Space Jam” took in over $90 million worldwide, or what MJ calls six hands of blackjack.

Dennis Rodman: He starred in two movies and his co-stars were Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dane Cook, need I say more. “Double Team” got Rodman three Razzie wins: Worst New Star, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Screen Couple (with JCVD). “Simon Sez” made less than $300,000.

The Rock: He starred as a quarterback in “The Game Plan” who gives up on football to raise his bastard daughter. He also starred in “The Tooth Fairy”. I never saw either but based on the Wikipedia descriptions, both sound excruciatingly bad.

We have yet to see a professional athlete headline in a good movie. However, many of them have made great cameos to critical acclaim. OJ Simpson killed it in the “Naked Gun” trilogy (pun intended). Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stole the scene as a pilot in “Airplane”. The Farrelly brothers used Cam Neely (Sea Bass in “Dumb and Dumber”) and Roger Clemens (Skidmark in “Kingpin”) flawlessly. Alex Karras received great reviews in “Blazing Saddles”. In moderation, athletes can add to a film. If overused, we’re subjected to Shaq Fu rapping out of a genie bottle.

This week’s “Props to a Black Dude” goes to Carl Weathers. He had a brief professional football career before turning to acting. He played Apollo Creed in the first four “Rocky” movies. Unfortunately, Sly Stallone never threw in the damn towel and Creed was killed by the fists of Ivan Drago. Luckily, Stallone avenged Creed’s death by beating Drago in Russia on Christmas and ended the Cold War. Weathers went on to play the black dude in “Predator”. Continuing his typecast as the guy who eventually dies, Weathers played Chubbs Peterson in “Happy Gilmore”. Weathers was last seen giving Tobias Funke his stew recipe in “Arrested Development” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq310KKObeM). Carl Weathers, you showed us that it is possible to be good at sports and acting. God bless you.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - My Team Won the Super Bowl

My Team Won the Super Bowl

On Sundays, my friends and I play in a weekly flag football game. As the Arlington team was winning 6-5, my friend Evan picked off a pass and had nothing but green grass in front of him for the game-winning pick six. Unfortunately, he fell. The Falls Church squad shut down Arlington and we eventually won 7-6. I was wondering if this could be a sign for the Giants. I would find out it was.

Before the game, I figured this would be a close game and could be won by either side. I was worried about New England’s tight ends even though Rob Gronkowski was banged up. They were a mismatch against our linebackers. For the Giants to win, they would need to control the ball and take advantage of their wide receiver matchups. Also, their defensive line needs to pressure Tom Brady like they did in Super Bowl 42.

Here is my running diary for Super Bowl 46 (All times are approximate):

4 pm Stains and I decide to watch the game at 51^st State Tavern. It’s a Giants bar and we knew we needed to be around Giants fans to celebrate or drown our sorrows with. We got a seat by the main bar and establish rapport with both bartenders so we can get fubar tonight. I’m decked out in my Justin Tuck jersey and Giants hat while Stains wears something out of his metrosexual closet.

4:30 pm David Tyree talks about his helmet catch with Bob Costas and Rodney Harrison. Harrison was the safety who couldn’t knock the ball loose in that game. He also has a “You stole my fucking ring, Tyree” glare about him during the interview. Tyree shows off his bling while wearing either the worst tie or the worst scarf in the history of mankind. This thing is so gay, even Mike Cleary called David Tyree a fag.

5 pm Stains decides to bet on the Giants at +3. I take the Giants at +9/under 59 points. I figure it’s only money and it should make the game more enjoyable. If I lose, I can always get more money. I’m a white male with hair. The sky’s the limit for Boyd.

5:30 pm The bartender changes the channel inadvertently. My biggest pet peeve is bartenders at sports bars that work the remote like a woman. Is that a sexist statement? Show me a woman who can work the remote control and I’ll retract this comment. Otherwise, shut up.

6:19 pm Kelly Clarkson and her hideous bangs sign the National Anthem. I thought she did a good job. I’m also glad she finished her eight-piece bucket of fried chicken before taking the stage.

6:37 pm The Giants drive down the field but stall after the Pats sack Eli Manning twice. Luckily, Steve Weatherford pins the Pats at the 5 with a great punt.

6:39 pm They show Gisele Bundchen in her suite. I’m not sure where Bridget Moynahan and her bastard son are watching the game.

6:40 pm The first ever safety in Super Bowl history. Tom Brady is called for intentional grounding after he threw the ball to no one downfield. My boy, Justin Tuck, put on the pressure. The bar loses its shit. I joked to Stains that whoever bet the first score would be a safety must be loving life right now. I find out on Monday someone put a $1000 on that, in Vegas at 50 to 1 odds. Lucky bastard.

6:41 pm I’m pissed I didn’t bet on the prop bet the final score would be 4-0. The odds were 5,000 to 1.

6:42 pm Elton John whores himself out for Pepsi Max with Flavor Flav. A proud moment for one and the complete opposite for the other.

6:45 pm Stains and I determine that Henry Hynoski is the 2^nd greatest thing to come out of Pittsburgh. The first was the dude who put french fries and cole slaw into a sandwich.

6:49 pm Victor Cruz fumbled at the Pats’ 8 yard line, but luckily, it didn’t count as the defense had 12 guys on the field. Big break for the G-men.

6:51 pm Cruz salsas his way into the end zone. Great throw by Eli as the linebacker was in good position to break it up. He completed his first nine passes, a Super Bowl record to start a game. I drunkenly salsa dance at the bar. Giants are up 9-0 as they have controlled the ball for most of the first 12 minutes of this game.

6:55 pm Coca Cola has an ad with polar bears. It did a good job as I now want a polar bear.

7:05 pm The Pats finally get on the board to make the score 9-3. Jason Pierre-Paul batted down a pass on a pivotal 3^rd down pass. NBC decides to show his dad, who has a retarded look on his face. I later find out he is blind.

7:12 pm Cris Collinsworth is amazed on how big Brandon Jacobs is. I’m amazed Collinsworth spells his first name like a douchebag.

7:13 pm Travis Beckham, the Giants’ backup tight end, tears his ACL. This becomes noteworthy later on in the game.

7:14 pm Volkswagon has a commercial where a dog loses weight by working out relentlessly. On a related note, Stains jams a bunch of chips into his mouth.

7:19 pm David Beckham shows off in his underwear. Millions of dudes around the world question their sexuality.

7:20 pm Coca Cola has their 2^nd ad featuring polar bears. I now want another polar bear so my other polar bear has a playmate.

7:27 pm NBC shows off the Giants’ offensive linemen. They should have called the photo shoot “Brokeback Blocking”.

7:28 pm The Giants great drive is derailed by a questionable holding call. Rather than run more time off the clock and possibly score, they are force to give the ball back to the Pats with four minutes remaining in the half. Weatherford pins them at the four with another great punt.

7:37 pm Sketchers show off their running shoes on a dog. I now want a pair for my polar bears.

7:47 pm Tom Brady make the Giants look silly as he leads the longest touchdown drive in SB history. The touchdown pass was made an easy when JPP stops rushing and drops into coverage. The Pats head into the locker room with a 10-9 lead.

8:00 pm The halftime show with Madonna. It features a bunch of dudes break dancing on steps, a guy in a toga bouncing off a tight rope with his genitals, LMFAO using more of their 15 minutes of fame, New England’s DT Vince Wilfork joining Madonna for “Like a Prayer” (Stains told me it was actually Cee Lo Green) and someone called M.I.A. flipping off America. After Nipplegate in 2004, networks have gone the safe route with halftime entertainment, playing older and safer acts. M.I.A. threw all that goodwill out the window with a middle finger. At least throw a beaver shot if you are going to piss off everyone.

8:15 pm The couple next to Stains spends the entire 2^nd half hugging. It’s quite ridiculous. Who hugs for that long?!?!

8:16 pm We manage to find the only three non-Giants fans in the bar as they tried to take Stains’ seat when he went to the bathroom. These three fugly girls were Redskins fans. Stains shows his cordial side by talking to them. I show my cordial side by not telling these cunts to shut the hell up.

8:17 pm Clint Eastwood revives his “Gran Torino” character to speak on behalf of Chrysler, minus his hatred of Asians. I guess you can’t say gook on NBC, but you can flip them off.

8:23 pm Chad Ocho Cinco catches the first pass of the half. I’m surprised because I thought Ocho Cinco was dead. I even sent flowers to what I thought was his funeral.

8:25 pm NBC shows pictures of Tom Brady acting like a complete tool.

8:30 pm Tom Brady is perfect again as he hooks up with Aaron Hernandez for a TD. Brady breaks another SB record with 16 straight completions. Hernandez celebrates by opening the vault and making it rain. I woulda thought it was a good celebration if the Giants weren’t down 17-9. Now, I’m just angry at that beaner.

8:32 pm They play up the Myra Craft angle on NBC. Myra, the wife of Pats owner Bob Kraft, passed away this summer from cancer. I refuse to make a joke about this despite my anger. I do not want to piss off the Karma God.

8:36 pm Hakeem Nicks is drilled by the sideline and is shaken up. The bar is silent as a Nicks injury would be catastrophic.

8:38 pm Nicks is fine as Lawrence Tynes kicks a field goal, making the score 17-12.

8:40 pm They show Eli’s mom and wife in a suite. The biggest surprise of the night is Peyton Manning is not shown at all, despite his attendance.

8:47 pm Pats drive stalls as Tuck gets his first sack of the night. Tuck has a chance to win Super Bowl MVP if the Giants win. Brady seems to be favoring his left shoulder while leaving the field.

8:51 pm After getting great field position, Nicks fumbles after a catch, but luckily, the ball is recovered by Hynoski.

8:55 pm The Giants get to the red zone, but a sack forces Tynes to kick another field goal. It’s now 17-15 Pats. The mood in the bar is somber. Too many times the Giants left points on the board. Plus, everyone knows the Pats are capable of scoring at any time. Thank God for our defense.

9:03 pm After Brady showed great awareness by escaping two potential, he throws a deep ball that is picked off by Giants LB Chase Blackburn. Blackburn was teaching high school two months ago, now he’s making an interception in the Super Bowl. First turnover in the game.

9:04 pm Stains and I start doing shots. In Super Bowl 42, I didn’t drinking liquor until the 4^th quarter and the Giants ended up winning. I figure this might be the good luck charm the team needs. It’s not about me and my liver, it’s about the Giants.

9:05 pm For the second time this game, the Giants fumble the ball but it is recovered again by the Giants. If the Giants win, fans can point out how lucky they were that the ball bounced just right. Pats fans will probably get drunk and beat their wives.

9:06 pm After all the hype, they finally show the Ferris Bueller commercial. God awful.

9:11 pm Starting Giants TE Jack Ballard hurts his knee and his night is done. The Giants are now out of pass catching tight ends and are forced to use three and four wide receivers the rest of the night. On the bright side, Victor Cruz has started getting open and catching some balls.

9:15 pm Mario Manningham catches a 30 yard pass, but can’t get both feet inbounds. Collinsworth notes Manningham has had trouble with his foot work on deep balls all season. Manningham is incredibly frustrating because he is very talented but drops a lot of catchable balls.

9:18 pm The 3^rd down pass falls incomplete to Manningham, but it appeared the refs blew a pass interference call. Tom Coughlin loses his shit as does the entire bar. Also hurting on this drive was the team using two timeouts on a drive resulting in no points. Weatherford steps up again, pinning the Pats at their nine yard line. It is still 17-15, with nine minutes remaining in the game.

9:19 pm Barring anything crazy, I won my bet. I don't care about my bet. I care about the ring.

9:20 pm Second shots sonnnnnnnnnnn.

9:29 pm The Pats are trying to run off as much time as possible and it’s working. Brady is dinking and dunking the ball all over the place. Currently down to four minutes with the ball at midfield.

9:30 pm Biggest break in the game as Wes Welker drops a 25 yard pass as the Giants were confused in coverage. The throw wasn’t the best but a NFL receiver needs to make that catch, especially someone as gifted as Welker. This could be the Evan moment the Giants needed.

9:31 pm Deion Branch can’t hold onto the 3^rd down pass. Good breakup by Giants CB Corey Webster on a ball that was thrown behind the receiver. Giants get the ball at their 12 yard line.

9:32 pm Mario Manningham makes the greatest catch of his life, catching a 38 yard grab on the sideline. Even better than the catch was the throw. Eli threaded this pass between two defenders and Mario did a great job sticking both feet inbounds. It’s not quite the Tyree catch, but it is the definitive moment of the game thus far. Pats coach Bill Belichick challenges the call to no avail. The lost timeout comes back to haunt New England.

9:37 pm The Giants are moving the ball slowly but surely. They are currently at the Pats 35 with three minutes remaining.

9:38 pm Nicks catches a slant to get into the red zone at the two minute warning. The Giants are in field goal range, but now must be aware of taking time off the clock. You don’t want to give the ball back to Brady with time to spare.

9:41 pm Collinsworth mentions how it might be smart to take a knee at the one yard line rather than score. Nicks catches another first down but goes out of bounds at the eight yard line.

9:42 pm Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw gets stuffed at the line of scrimmage, forcing the Pats to burn their second timeout.

9:43 pm MOTHERFUCKIN’ TOUCHDOWN. Bradshaw went in untouched, but he appeared to try and knee it at the one. However, his momentum brought him into the end zone. Either way, the Giants take their first lead since the first quarter. The bar has lost their minds right now.

9:45 pm Giants do not get the two-point conversion as they decide to run the ball with their third running back and their best blocking tight end out. I guess Tom Coughlin was drunk. 21-17 G-Men with 57 seconds remaining.

9:48 pm Branch and Hernandez both drop passes before Tuck gets his second sack of the game. It is now 4^th and long as the Pats burn their last timeout. Everyone is screaming at 51^st State.

9:50 pm Fuckin’ Brady escapes the rush again and completes a first down pass. 32 seconds remaining.

9:51 pm Hernandez catches a ball but gets tackled at their 40, inbounds. 17 seconds after the spike.

9:52 pm Deep bomb to Hernandez is incomplete, but the Giants had 12 men on the field. Ball is at the 45. Brady throws an incomplete pass to Branch with five seconds to go.

9:52 pm Last play of the game. We all know the Hail Mary is coming. The ball is thrown into the end zone and………VICTORY!!!!! I didn’t realize how close Gronkowski was to catching the tip until Monday morning. I spend the next ten minutes hugging anyone in sight and singing along to the music they played. Good times.

Seven weeks ago, I was prepared to help Tom Coughlin move out of New York after he got fired. Now, he got his second ring with the team, will most likely coach the Giants until he retires, and probably earned a spot in the Hall of Fame. He’ll probably be joined in Canton with Eli Manning one day. Anytime you can watch your team win the championship, it’s one of the greatest feelings ever. As for the Patriots, Tom Brady will have to answer his critics about his Super Bowl slumps and his inability to beat the Giants. His wife is already throwing his receivers under the bus and Belichick’s genius will be in question as he has not won a championship since 2004. Thank God Evan fell down and Welker dropped the ball.

The Giants deserve to celebrate. They were 7-7 two months ago. Then, they ran the table. Mario Manningham probably earned himself a rich contract elsewhere. Osi Umenyiora had to deal with injuries and contract issues all year, but came on late. They should all celebrate. The title defense starts in a few months

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

I'll Have the Ridiculous Sandwich on a PETA Please!

           There is a long list of problems facing the U.S. right now. All the occupy bullshit, the recession, the housing market, the job market, Government corruption, poverty, hunger, crime, drugs, the Kardashians, reality TV in general and the list goes on. I think we should put some of the more pressing issues in front of the U.S. Supreme Court and let them try to sort it out. The other option is to use the court's time and resources for something completely unimportant.

           On Monday, February 6th 2012 five Orcas from Sea World in San Diego were given a chance to have "their" case heard in Federal Court. Yes Orcas, or as they are more commonly known, Killer Whales. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) brought a case against Sea World on behalf of the five Orcas saying that they should have the same rights as human beings under the 13th Amendment. If you don't know what the 13th Amendment is, read a book. Or I'll just tell you, it abolished slavery. So PETA is arguing that these Killer Whales should have the same rights as human beings and are currently being enslaved in their small tanks at Sea World.

           Now listen, I love animals. But come on. Where will this stop. First it'll be these whales. Then race horses, then guard dogs, then police dogs, then mascots, then house dogs, then house cats, then birds, then do I really need to go on?

           If I'm not mistaken a killer whale by the name of Tilikrum killed it's trainer two years ago, and that was the third time that particular whale killed someone. Was it put on trial? Was it sentenced to death? NO, it's the first name on the list of plaintiffs in this case. Are you kidding me? PETA you need to get your head on straight. If you want these animals to have the same rights as humans, then that whale should be dead! It killed three people with hundreds of witnesses. And what happened? It was chalked up to a rare but horrible act of a whale acting on instinct. Well, then kill it! It's a murderer.

          I'm all for the ethical treatment of animals but this is going too far. They are not humans, they are animals. They are trained and fed and put on a show for paying citizens to enjoy. They are not covered under the Constitution of the United States because they are not human beings and should not have the same rights that human beings have. Enough said. Stop being stupid and focus your energy on more important matters. For Christ's sake, this case is tying up the Federal Court and costing the tax payers money. For what? To see if these whales should be set free?

        This is a slippery slope PETA. If the ruling goes in your favor you can say goodbye to the entire Zoo industry. Millions of jobs will be lost. Billions of dollars will be lost. WHY? Because you can't just accept the fact that they are animals and sometimes they just need to be kept confined. For the sake of Human Beings just get off your high horse (which you shouldn't be riding anyway, it's unethical) and chill the fuck out! I'm going to PETA headquarters in Norfolk, VA to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from one of these righteous assholes.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Forget Jersey ... The Worst Shore is Still Pauly

Forget Jersey…The Worst Shore is Still Pauly

All this month, my posts will be focused on discussing some of the worst in Hollywood. I’ll also be respecting Black History Month with my “Props to a Black Dude” feature at the end of each post.

Pauly Shore is without a doubt the worst comedic actor of our generation. He got his big break working on MTV back in the early 1990s. This was back when MTV was focused on music and spring breaks instead of Italian slapdicks and teenage moms. Pauly performed under his alter ego, “The Weasel”, for much of his entertainment career. The Weasel didn’t notice girls’ racks, he noticed their melons. Instead of grabbing a snack, the Weasel was munching on some grindddddddddddage. The Weasel specialized in elongating the pronunciation of words. After some success on MTV, he co-starred in the 1992 film “Encino Man”. The movie was about Shore and Rudy Ruettiger discovering a frozen cave man in their back yard, which helped transform them from nerds to the cool kids. This was believable in 1992 because we were all idiots. This was around the time where Jessie Spano had a ridiculous No Doz addiction and America collectively wept.

After the success of “Encino Man”, Hollywood thought the world was ready for Shore to wheeze a little more juuuuuuuuuuuuice out of the box office. He signed on to star in the following movies: “Son in Law”, “In the Army Now”, “Jury Duty”, and “Bio-Dome”. Al-Qaeda couldn’t build four bigger bombs if they tried. One flop after another. Shore tried to break away from the Weasel in “In the Army Now” and “Jury Duty”. It was like watching the stripper who is a little too old to still be working at a strip club: completely embarrassing for everyone involved. The Weasel returned for “Bio-Dome” with Alec Baldwin’s dipshit faggot of a brother, but by then, America had enough. The Weasel was dead.

I can’t recall an actor having that many starring roles in horrible movies. Usually by the second bomb, Hollywood smartens up and stops producing feature films for that actor. It took four to finally kill Pauly Shore’s acting career. Shore wrote and starred in a 2003 mockumentary, “Pauly Shore is Dead”, acknowledging his fading career by faking his own suicide to boost popularity of his films. I never saw it, but I imagine it sucked like everything else he’s ever done.

I can say that Pauly Shore did bring me joy one time. Two months ago, my friend’s bang sack brought her friend out to a bar. She looked exactly like Pauly Shore, which could never be taken as a compliment. After boozing all day, it allowed my friends and I to break out the Weasel talk and mock her all night. It was a glorious night. So I did have one positive Shore experience. Otherwise, Pauly Shore is a sack of shit, budddddddddddddddy.

This week’s “Props to a Black Dude” is for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. This guy went from undrafted free agent to second-team All-Pro in two years. Last year, he had a ridiculous preseason (including three TD’s in one half against the Jets) and earned an unexpected roster spot. Unfortunately, he dressed for three games before landing on the injured reserve list. This year, he struggled as the Giants’ fourth receiver, but became a starter after two WRs were hurt early in the season. He took the opportunity and ran with it, setting a team record in receiving yards in a season. He also scored nine times and featured his celebratory salsa dance. Three things I like about him: One, when he scored against the Saints in a blowout loss, he never danced. I admired he recognized the situation and didn’t act like a jackass. Two, he’s not letting his sudden fame get to him. He already turned down “Dancing with the Stars” this year to focus on his off-season workouts. Three, he saved the Giants’ season. In a must win against the Jets, the Giants looked flat until Cruz caught a pass at the Giants’ 10-yard line and ran 89 yards for the go-ahead score. Since that play, the Giants haven’t lost. They would not be in the Super Bowl without Victor Cruz. I’m also glad New England never looked at him, despite the fact that Cruz went to a local college (UMass). If he scores on Sunday, you are god damned right I’ll be doing my best drunken salsa dancing.

            -Written by Marcus Boyd