You Can't Avoid Boyd - 2011-The Good, The Bad, The Winehouse

2011-The Good, the Bad, the Winehouse

The world will end in December 2012, according to John Cusack and those zany Mayans. With the Earth’s demise approaching, this could be my last time I can do a year in review on this blog. Let’s get to it.

The Good- I know a lot of people find baseball boring as shit, but this year was pretty exciting. The last day of the regular season saw two teams, who were left for dead in early September, clinch playoff spots. One of those teams, the St. Louis Cardinals, won the World Series, despite being down to their final strike twice in Game 6. While many predicted a boring World Series, it was anything but.

The Bad- I covered the NFL lockout extensively on this blog, but they got their shit together and didn’t miss any regular season games. We are approaching the final week of the season and no one can complain about the quality of play (unless you cheer for the Redskins.) However, the NBA was in the same boat and handled it ten times worse. The players and owners both knew there was going to be a lockout, but decided they wanted to get in a pissing contest over several months. By the end of it, both sides agreed to a deal that neither is really happy with. An 82-game season turned into a 66-game season in order to start on Christmas and not push the playoffs into July, with a shortened training camp and off days sacrificed. Already, we are seeing teams with new players struggling as they have no chemistry and it should get interesting when older/injury-prone players attempt to play their third game in as many nights.

The Winehouse- Can old white guys stop diddling kids? Seriously. Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Fine, Bill Conlin, insert the name of the next geriatric fuckhead to be named later. This is a disturbing trend and needs to be stopped immediately. If these guys are frisky, get with someone your own age consensually. Feel free to eat canned tuna off the bottom shelf. That’s what my friends do and they seem happy.

The Good- In the world of television, “Boardwalk Empire” might have taken a step back from a great first season, but still delivered a solid encore. “Parks and Recreation” has received critical acclaim by relevant publications (Entertainment Weekly, Time) and irrelevant sacks of shit (Hennessy) over the past year. “24/7 Road to the Winter Classic” has continued its awesome in-depth coverage of two NHL teams preparing for their New Year’s Day game outdoors and “30 Rock” was finally syndicated, allowing us to see the earlier episodes most people missed before the show became known.

The Bad- “Friday Night Lights”. By no means am I going to trash this show as I thought it was great from beginning to end. However, it’s crazy in this day and age for a show to leave on a successful run. It appeared to have a great formula as it replaced cast members regularly to keep the show fresh. Yet, great shows end prematurely while the networks shove other garbage down our throats. I feel like Red in “Shawshank Redemption” once Andy escapes. I’m happy for the show to go out on its own terms but I’m just sad I lost my friend. “The Office” has declined tremendously. It lost its main star, but it still had time to replace him. Instead, they half-assed it with the completely bizarre Robert California character, who has his moments but gets dull quickly. Last, shame on you FOX for pulling the plug on “Chicago Code”. It had potential, but you bailed on it immediately. You should have given it a full season before cancelling it.

The Winehouse- Reality shows. The Kardashians and the “Jersey Shore” crew keep getting more famous despite their antics dumbing down America. As someone who ashamedly watches “Jersey Shore”, the thought of Snooki being a multi-millionaire while I struggle to find a decent job often provides the fuel I need to cry myself to sleep.

The Good- All throughout Christmas, there were stories of real life Santas saving Christmas for several families. All throughout the U.S., anonymous donors were donating money to pay off layaway bills. For those of you unfamiliar, buying on layaway means retail stores will reserve your item until you pay the item off. There are usually terms for how much time you have for this and if you can pay off the item in the appropriate time, the item goes back on the sale shelf while the partial payment is returned. During this tough economy, many were buying their presents on layaway, hoping to pay it off by Christmas. While they were struggling to pay off their bills, many received surprising phone calls from the stores on how their bill was settled.

2011 has come and gone. Hopefully, I’ll be around this blog at this time next year, reviewing 2012 and calling the Mayans a bunch of lying cunts

                       -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Bowling for Dollars

Bowling for Dollars

It’s easy to tell when it’s the holiday season. It gets colder, the New York Giants are in the midst of their annual 2^nd half collapse, you hear such classics as “Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer” and “The Hanukah Song” on the radio, and we get inundated by college football bowl games. You don’t believe me. When I was born, there were 15 bowl games all around January 1st. Now, there are 35 bowls, taking place over three weeks. Let’s get into what grinds my gears about the bowl system.

Back in the day, college teams went to bowl games based on their conference affiliation. If you won the Pac-10 or Big Ten, you went to the Rose Bowl while the SEC champs went to the Sugar Bowl, regardless of your rankings. The champion was determined after all the bowls by the AP and Coaches Polls. People questioned the system altogether, wondering how a champion can be named when the #1 team in the country played an inferior opponent in their bowl game. In 1984, #1 BYU beat a 6-5 Michigan team to secure the national title. In 1995, NCAA created the Bowl Coalition that tried to match up the top two ranked teams among the top bowls (Orange, Sugar, Fiesta) in the country. However, the Rose Bowl did not join as they chose to keep their tradition intact. In 1997, it resulted in a split championship when #1 Michigan won their Rose Bowl game while #2 Nebraska beat #3 Tennessee in the Orange Bowl. Due to this, the Bowl Championship Series was created and included all the major conferences. It also created a system that has been shredded by all sports fans in America.

There have been years when the top two teams in the country are easy to determine. However, most of the time there has been debates. The easiest example of this is this year. LSU is undefeated and earned a spot in the championship game. But what about the #2 spot. Alabama’s only loss is to LSU in a close game. However, that loss prevented ‘Bama from playing in their conference championship game. Oklahoma State won their conference, but lost to a shitty Iowa State team (the day after two OSU basketball coaches were killed in a plane crash) during the season. The disagreement ensued the last few weeks. Should a team play in the BCS title game if it didn’t win their conference? Alabama prevailed as the #2 by the slimmest of margins in the rankings. I agree with that, but I know about 40% of America would tell me to go fuck myself as OSU deserves the spot. Another 20% would say Stanford (or another team) should be in the mix.

College football fans say they need a playoff system. 16 teams play until one team can be crowned the champs. For us, it makes sense. To the NCAA, that would be a nightmare scenario. They say playing the additional games will hurt the academics of these athletes during their finals schedule in December. That’s a bunch of bullshit. The NCAA are pimps to the players’ role as prostitutes. The players do not earn any money (they do get scholarships and many benefits that regular students don’t get) in this billion dollar industry. The schools, the conferences, and the NCAA all profit directly. The one thing it would create is a logistical nightmare for the fans. It would be a lot to expect fans to travel to four various locations if they followed their team on their championship run.

My other serious gripe about the bowl system is the bowls don’t care about the matchups, they care about turnout. This year, Virginia Tech received an at-large bid to the Sugar Bowl over Arkansas, Kansas State, and Boise State. Virginia Tech should have been in the discussion, but should have never gotten this bid. All the other teams deserved to go (I understand passing over Arkansas since they went to the Sugar Bowl last year) over VT. The bowl committee said past success and reputation played a factor in their invite. What they should have said is they will sell their tickets. Each team is responsible for selling their allotment of tickets to the game. The Sugar Bowl was hoping that VT would sell their 17,500 ticket allotment, figuring the local economy will get a boost. Right now, VT is about 10,000 tickets short of selling out. More people on buying tickets on secondary markets, like Stubhub, since these tickets are cheaper. While those Hokie fans will pack the Superdome, that doesn’t count towards the allotment. Luckily, Virginia Tech’s conference, the ACC, has a bylaw that will buy all unsold tickets. So, the school won’t take the loss by itself, it will be shared with all the ACC schools. While I know my friends will have a great time in New Orleans, I hope they realize their trip is undeserved.

Profits are always a big issue with the bowl games. By making a bowl game, the school gets money to attend (the bigger the game, the bigger the payout.) This is usually shared among all the schools in its conference. However, the school must pick up all of the expenses. It’s not uncommon for a school to lose money for attending a bowl game. Connecticut lost about $1.8 million for attending the 2010 Fiesta Bowl, most of the loss from the 15,000 tickets they couldn’t sell. Nevada has currently sold ten tickets for their Hawaii Bowl game on Saturday.

Despite its flaws, I still like the bowl system. There will always be a controversy in NCAA football, even if there is a 16-team playoff. I am sure people will be arguing just like when they announce the NCAA basketball tournament bracket, about certain teams not making it. It’s part of the fun/frustration. As for the games themselves, the coaching staff loves the extra practice time they wouldn’t get otherwise. And it seems the players love it as well. You look at the reaction the players and fans had when LA Lafayette beat San Diego State with a 50-yard field goal at the end of regulation. Sure, most people could care less about lesser games like the Potato Bowl, but some still do. And for that, the haters can eat a dick. Merry Christmas!!

         -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Chuck Norris Wears Tim Tebow Pajamas

Chuck Norris Wears Tim Tebow Pajamas

I realize ESPN and the NFL Network talk about him 24/7, and everyone’s mom even knows about him, but I need to speak my piece on Jesus Christ Superstar, Tim Tebow.

I know he is an easy target because he might be the most religious person of all time and his passing awkwardness as a professional quarterback, but this man should be Time’s Man of the Year. He’s 8-3 as a starter in the NFL after a successful high school and college career. All of his pro wins have involved some sort of comeback, most occurring in the 4^th quarter. Some people are questioning if the Detroit Lions’ recent losing streak is a result of mocking Tebow during their blowout victory over Denver six weeks ago. Tebowing became a fad, then an official word via the Global Language Monitor, whatever the hell that is. He has become a cultural icon despite the haters.

The haters have been there since Tebow hit the national scene. His religious beliefs were the subject of ridicule (Tebow did missionary work in the Philippines for three summers, wore Bible verses on his eye black until it was banned, and stated he was a virgin due to his religion.) While his style of running and throwing dominated the college scene, people questioned how he’d transition to the pro game. Experts claimed he couldn’t make the throws a NFL QB needed to make, his throwing style would never work on Sundays, and that his running style would get him killed against bigger, faster defensive players. Some even questioned if he would be drafted as a quarterback or if he would have to change positions like many option-style QBs before him. When the Broncos traded up for him in the 1^st round of the 2010 draft, people thought it was a huge reach and was going to be a bust.

Going into this season, the people in Denver wanted Tebow to start from the get-go. However, there were two exceptions: Head coach John Fox, and VP of Football Operations/NFL legend John Elway. Both men were new to the 2011 staff and were not with the team when they drafted Tebow, thus owing no loyalty to him. Tim didn’t help his case by having a horrific training camp (Local reporters said he looked like the 4^th or 5^th best QB on the Broncos during the summer.) Despite fans purchasing a billboard to show support for their favorite young player, Tebow remained on the bench until replacing Kyle Orton at halftime in Week 5. This is where the legend begins. He nearly overcame a 16 point deficit in a game Denver still lost. After this game, he was named the starter against the Dolphins. His starting days looked to be over as he played as well as I would have had for 57 minutes. Fortunately for Tebow and Denver, there are 60 minutes in a football game and Tebow managed to lead his team to 18 unanswered points in an overtime win. After the Detroit loss, Tebow has managed to win his last six games despite very ugly stats. The Denver Broncos were left for dead after the first month of the season. Now, they are leading the AFC West.

Former players maintain that Tebow, despite his initial success, is ultimately doomed to fail unless he changes his playing style. Steve Young believes Denver is doing Tebow a disservice by encouraging his style of play, which he claims has no chance of succeeding long-term. I think Young should shut the fuck up. I am no expert in the matter, but Tebow has been successful thus far. Right now, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt since he has won over 70% of his NFL starts, beating some strong defenses along the way. He always puts the team above himself, acknowledging “Bronco Way” over “Tebow Way”. It’s a rare thing these days for an athlete to value his team’s success over personal accomplishment. He’ll be the first to admit he’s not the reason his team has rebounded. His defense and rushing offense have picked it up since their slow start. Some breaks have fallen their way during the winning streak, like Marion Barber’s brainfart/fumble. However, Tebow is leading the ship and his players and coaches have nothing but good things to say about him.

I don’t believe Tebow can have a successful NFL career without improving his passing game. However, nothing this man has done his entire life suggest he is not prepared to do so. This was a man who should have never been born. When he was a fetus, his mother contracted a serious illness that should have rendered him a stillbirth. An abortion was recommended, but the parents refused. Instead, he has become a positive inspiration for many. While his play can be dissected, his results cannot. Who cares if he threw the ball underhand? He’s still winning games. He’s been a winner his whole life. People need to relax and enjoy the ride, since no one knows when it will end, including the so-called experts. Until then, I will continue to cheer for him except if he plays the Giants or his inevitable Monday Night Football debut. Jon Gruden gets excited for Tyler Palko. I can only imagine the on-air orgasm he’ll have over Tim Tebow.

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays

              Merry Christmas! Yes, I said Merry Christmas. Not happy holidays or enjoy the holidays or any of that other crap. To me, it's Merry Christmas. And you know what? It's not all about Jesus and Christianity. It's about a holiday that celebrates family and love and presents. Yes, it's also Jesus' birthday and I don't want to downplay that. I'm just saying, there are a lot of other things associated with Christmas. What's the big deal?

              I was at a bar crawl this past weekend in Georgetown called the Santa Stumble. Everyone in attendance was dressed up in some kind of festive outfit trying to out-do everyone else. Everybody there was drinking, dancing, drinking and having a great time.  The entire neighborhood was decorated and you could just feel the "Christmas spirit." And you know what? It had nothing to do with religion. It had everything to do with getting together with friends and family and having a good time. Why can't it be that way for the rest of the world?

              Some people believe strongly that December 25th is all about the birth of Christ. It should be used to gather with family and rejoice in the salvation he brought us.

              Some people believe that December 25th is about Santa bringing presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world.

              Some people believe that December 25th is a holiday created by corporations to sell products.

              I believe that Christmas is a great holiday to decorate whatever you want, dress in ugly sweaters, put up a tree, wrap gifts, enjoy family and friends, drink (ir)responsibly and get a couple days off work.

             I have a question.

            What's the difference? Whether you're celebrating the birth of Christ or some fat dude breaking and entering, just enjoy it and keep your mouth shut. And if you are one of those people that doesn't believe in God or Santa, you can still believe in family and friends. You can still enjoy the decorations and music and the general atmosphere of the season. Right? It doesn't have to be a religious event for everyone.

            You can celebrate it however you'd like. The bottom line is, it's Christmas either way. If you want to do it by putting up a baby Jesus nativity scene, go for it! If you want to celebrate it by putting up a giant Santa in your yard, go for it. If you want to put up a Wacky Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man, by all means, go for it. As long as you let everyone else celebrate it the way they want to.

           Freedom of religion is real and should be respected. What I'm trying to do is bring everyone together for the sake of celebration. Forget the details about why, just do it. And have fun with it. Let everyone else have fun with it and we'll all feel better. The bickering about the true meaning of Christmas and whether to say happy holidays or not is all bullshit. The holiday is Christmas, no matter what it means to you. If you say Happy Chanukah to me, you'll get the same in response. Out of respect. So if I say Merry Christmas to you, just say it right back and move on with your day. Don't make a big deal out of it. If you say happy holidays to me, I'm going to kick you in the pills. If you're a lady, I'll give you the stink-eye. And I don't mean I'll look at your weird. I mean I'll bend over, drop my pants and show you my balloon knot. The point is, respect everyone else's freedoms and enjoy yours. If we all did that, we'd be some happy mother fuckers.

            So I'll put my Santa hat on, head over to the GoodWill, and get someone to play with my candy cane and jingle bells. For a Ham Sandwich of course. Merry Christmas!

You Can't Avoid Boyd - You Play to Win the Game

You Play to Win the Game

Before I delve into my weekly post, I’d like to congratulate Pat Hennessy for the creation of this blog. We recently read the 100^th HJFHS post (I knew there was no chance he’d let me write it since Pat is a glory hog) and he made sure this blog kept running along despite this idea starting out as a joke. Sure, he might not post as frequently, and his content might be watered down, and his hair might be significantly grayer, but damn it, he runs a good blog overall. I’m glad I can help with my weekly contribution (This is my 37^th post). I’d also like to thank our non-gentile contributor, Josh, for taking time out of his busy schedule of shotgunning Iron City Light and fingering married chicks to write that one post back in the day. Anyway, back to my regular scheduled post….

Sportsmanship has been a hot topic in the world of sports lately. Whether it is DeSean Jackson costing his team 50 yards by taunting the Giants about a month ago or the Detroit Lions losing their composure in New Orleans last week, athletes are showing a lack of sportsmanship. My favorite showing thus far is when Brandon Jacobs of the NY Giants celebrated a touchdown run by dancing for about 90 seconds before the ref told him to stop. I should point out the Giants were down 21-3 before his score and were completely outplayed at that point. I am glad Jacobs felt the need to celebrate excessively. I have no issue with a guy celebrating a big play as long as it is appropriate. A big touchdown in a close game; dance it up. A touchdown while you’re getting blown out; hand the ball to the ref and go to the sideline unnoticed. I am going to tackle two stories that were in the news recently.

In early November during a junior high preseason basketball tournament in Kentucky, Pikeville MS beat Kimper MS 100-2. Pikeville is in a pretty big school district and features kids that play on the AAU circuit while Kimper only has 180 students from kindergarten through eighth grade. This game was quickly forgotten until some media outlets were reporting the Pikeville school district was looking into forfeiting the rest of the junior high season over this lack of sportsmanship. There were accusations of running up the score despite Pikeville’s coach removing his starters after the first two minutes and encouraging his team to play a softer defense for the entire 2^nd half as they were leading 70-0. Unfortunately, Kimper could not score until a last second lay-in prevented them from being shutout. When I first heard this story, I was shocked. Despite the one-sided score, it seems Pikeville played with great sportsmanship. They called off the dogs early, softened their defense, and did not run up the score. I was glad to hear that the superintendent said rumors of forfeiting the season were completely false. While they did investigate if the score was run up, they found nothing to indicate it. I’ll keep you posted when these two schools meet again in the regular season

LSU finished the regular season 12-0 but dealt with sportsmanship issues along the finish. While beating Ole Miss 52-3, LSU’s coach Les Miles decided to have his offense take a knee midway through the 4^th quarter, running out some of the clock. While some people saw this as a way to finish the game without running up the score, others viewed it as a slap in the face. You kneel at the very end of the game, not with six minutes left. They thought Miles showed poor sportsmanship. Fast forward a week later when LSU took on Arkansas. With LSU up 38-17, they took possession with good field position and ran their normal offense before settling for a field goal. However, Arkansas’ coach Bobby Petrino viewed it as running up the score and was caught cursing out Miles from his sideline. Afterwards, Petrino pulled away quickly after the post-game handshake. I feel LSU did the right thing in both instances, especially after hearing complaints about the Ole Miss game. If anyone showed poor sportsmanship, it was Petrino. If you don’t want LSU kicking field goals on you late in the game, have your defense nut up and stop them. They ran basic pass and run plays. They didn’t run any trick plays. They could have been stopped. They weren’t.

I think there is a lot of good sportsmanship in sports, but I know there are too many poor examples as well. I know I will continue to see players flip the ball to the ref before crossing the goal line. I know certain teams will continue to run up the score (I’m looking at you Bill Belichick) when possible. I know this will continue and any pleas I make will fall upon deaf ears. However, we don’t need to see the media make examples out of nothing, like Pikeville and LSU. There is enough out there to report about without making mountains out of molehills.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

The Big 100

           Well Ham Sandwich lovers, we made it! This is the 100th post on Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches. It's been a wild ride so far. We started out in a blaze and have tailed off a little bit in the last couple months. I'd like to thank Marcus Boyd for continuing to provide "You Can't Avoid Boyd" posts every Thursday. I would also like to extend an invitation to everyone reading, if you'd like to write a post, or have a weekly thing like Boyd does, please contact me and let's make it happen.

            This blog has been a great way for me to get some things off my chest and voice my opinion to the handful of people that actually read it. There have been funny posts, serious posts, hot-topic posts and some general rambling. But they've all been Ham Sandwiches and I thank you for eating them!

            HJFHS hasn't reached the level I want it to, so we need to amp this up a bit. I'll continue to post when I feel moved and Boyd will continue to provide Thursday reading. What I need from you readers out there is this; please read and comment because it really helps us as writers to get some feedback no matter how small or off topic it may be. Also, please tell your friends to read it and let's get this thing all over the web. I'll be working on making it look nicer and getting it more hits on the web.

           In conclusion, thank you for reading and I'll try my best to keep you entertained. If you have anything you'd like to write about, I'll post it on here whenever you want. So get off your ass and write something. It's a lot of fun. I'm going into my kitchen to make a Ham Sandwich so I can take it downtown and get a Hand-job. Thanks again for making 100 posts possible!

Brotherly Love?

          This blog has been up and running for months now and we're approaching 100 posts. Normally I leave the sports talk to Boyd because he knows more about sports than I do. Not this time.

          The Philadelphia Eagles are my favorite team. I was born in Philadelphia before moving to the Poconos when I was 7. I love our fans and I love how other people hate us for being passionate about football. I love cheese steaks and beer and of course brotherly love. I love the Liberty Bell and that sexy crack she's always showing off. I love water (wooder) and bagels (begels). If you still don't get it, I love Philly.

           There is one thing I can't stand though. Little punks who think they deserve millions of dollars because they can run fast. I'm talking about DeSean Jackson. This guy's contract is up at the end of this season. I would think he would be trying to prove himself so he can get the money he deserves. That's what I would do. I would play as hard as I can and catch as many touchdowns as possible. That way, either the Eagles will pay me big to stay, or another team will pay me big to leave. That's just me though, I don't have a false sense of entitlement. This mother fucker thinks he should just be given the money because of who he is. That my friends, is bullshit!

           He oversleeps and misses a special teams meeting, he's the punt returner, and gets benched for a critical game against Arizona. We lost. He dropped two touchdown passes against the Patriots because he was afraid of getting hit. We lost. He acted like a little baby and wouldn't talk to his teammates against Seattle. We lost. I know there are other factors that go into our losing record. Maybe an offensive line coach trying to coach a defense isn't a great idea. We're tackling like bunch of Bernie Fine's ball boys if you ask me. But what do I know, I'm not a professional. The point is DeSean Jackson is a pussy and I hope he gets cut at the end of the year.

           Why do we always have to have problem receivers? T.O., as great as he was, really stirred shit up when he was in Philly. Now we have to deal with DeSean's oversized ego. I know he's fast and can make things happen on special teams. But why can't he just play with passion and try to earn his money instead of expecting it? I hate these athletes that turn into little bitches when they don't get what they want. It's so frustrating. If I went into work, sat there and demanded more money before I started giving a fuck again, I would get FIRED! On the spot, no questions asked. Why is this any different?

            All professional sports contracts should have a cry-baby clause. It would state: If you start acting like a little school girl instead of the grown ass man that we signed, you will be fired on the spot. BOOM, problem solved. You're welcome. Unfortunately that will never happen because this whole country is turning into a bunch of pussies that expect to be given everything. I'll save that for another post. Let me sum this up.

             I love Philly and always will. I love every team Philly has and will always root for them. I hate, and I use the word hate with every amount of hatred that can go along with it, professional athletes that feel entitled to millions of dollars for doing what they are supposed to do. Then they act like a 6 year old who can't have money for the ice cream truck when they don't get ridiculous contracts. Shut up and PLAY! You know who doesn't feel entitled to anything? The homeless lady behind the Shop-N-Go I'm going to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from tonight. That's something I can appreciate.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Thanksgiving Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: Thanksgiving Edition

In my last installment of this disaster of a theme, I’m on the road to the Poconos to celebrate Thanksgiving with family and friends. A road trip to the Poconos is worthy of a write-up since I only go home three times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, & some point in the spring/summer). In comparison, I have been to Taco Bell three times in the past five weeks.

Thanksgiving Eve: This unofficial holiday is the biggest bar night of the year, according to the experts. I guess people view this as a day to get blackout drunk with old friends (or what I call “any weekend”) and try to hook up with the girl that got a lot hotter since you graduated high school years ago. Since I am a conformist, I joined my friends for an expected night of debauchery. Since our hometown is boring as shit, we head out to a bar scene by a local college. It’s not too bad, but the best part of it is the hotel room we crash in. It is right above a bar, and pretty cheap. It also allows you to go to two of the three main bars in the area without stepping outside. After an aggressive pre-game (our friends debated what our fantasy team names would have been if we were in a league on September 12^th, 2001), we just slowly killed our livers. The only worthwhile story is how my new catchphrase started a chick fight. An inebriated lady came up as my friends were ordering bear fights and asked me if I could help her send a text message from her phone. Showing the idiot how to do so from her phone, she then demanded I text her friend how to get to the bar. Since I am not a fan of being told what to do, I decided to text the following directions: Fuck your dick. I realize my catchphrase is offensive, but it conveys the necessary sentiment when used appropriately. Upon my FYD message, I got out before the drunkard noticed. As she was holding up her phone and stumbling, my friend noticed the message and realized she got Boyded. As he was laughing at her, I guess she saw another white trash girl and decided to take her frustrations out on this girl’s face. Several slaps later, she got the boot and I laughed for 27 straight minutes.

Thanksgiving: What a great day for gluttony. All you do is hang out with family, eat throughout the day, and watch football. Since most of my family stayed in New York/New Jersey, my parents and I had a quiet day together. For the first time in a decade, the Lions were going to play a meaningful early game. The Lions and Cowboys play every year on Thanksgiving as part of their tradition (both owners at the time realized it was an easy way to make money) and recently, the NFL added a random night game. The Lions have been dreadful for years, but finally built a contender. With a matchup against the undefeated Packers scheduled, people were awaiting this game for weeks. It was competitive until Ndamukong Suh decided to use someone’s arm as a floor mat and then Green Bay shit all over Detroit. Luckily, the Cowboys/Dolphins game was more competitive. The good thing about the Thanksgiving games is the retarded trophy they hand out after each game. FOX has been handing out the Galloping Gobbler for years. I can’t imagine Emmitt Smith’s mantle featuring the Gobbler among his many legitimate awards. CBS’ Phil Simms hands out the All-Iron Award, complete with a skillet of blackberry cobbler made by Simms’ mom. I miss the days when John Madden handed out turkey legs to his MVPs from his mutant eight-legged turkey. Apparently the night game hands out some sort of pie to the player of the game, but I didn’t know that since I pass out by halftime of the night game. Since the Ravens suffocated the 49ers this year, it helped me ease into the food-induced coma.

 

Speaking of food, a person doesn’t typically eat turkey, stuffing, cranberries, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, or pumpkin pie, much less gorge on these items, expect for Thanksgiving. Two quick notes about the food: First, since deep frying a turkey is becoming more common, I love that more media outlets teach you the do’s and don’ts of deep frying the turkey. Mainly the “Don’t deep fry the turkey indoors” note. Seriously, if you can’t figure out that you should deep fry many gallons of grease at 325 degrees Fahrenheit outdoors, please let me know so I can hit you in the head with a tack hammer. Second, green bean casserole fools me every year. I think of the green bean as I think of an ugly bang sack from back in the day. I only wanted to be around either if times were desperate. Then, I see the green bean/bang sack all dressed up (cream of mushroom soup & fried onions/make-up & jacked up cleavage) after a long hiatus and think its all good. WRONG! It still sucks and you have nothing but regret the next day.

Black Friday: I will never get this day. Great sales starting at the butt crack of dawn and people instinctively flock to the stores like the salmon of Capistrano. I don’t see the deals as being that special, but I am not shopping savvy. In the Poconos, I was reading about a guy who was camping at a store Tuesday afternoon to shop at Thursday midnight. He was camping over 60 hours to save. That is insane. I hope he got what he wanted, but if not, whatever, fuck him. Otherwise, there are usually some decent sports on. College football usually has some good rivalry games. This year featured LSU take on Arkansas in a game with championship implications. It was a good game until LSU remembered it was good and destroyed the Razorbacks. Also, the NHL is trying to start a new tradition by playing a game on network TV. This year featured the Red Wings beating the Bruins in a shootout. I hope this tradition sticks.

Thanksgiving Weekend: Leftovers and two nights of blacking out. I may have slept in a trunk on Friday night. Enough said.

That brings you to end of my traveling adventure. There was laughter, there was tears, that was even some vomit. I hope you all enjoyed it. If not, fuck your dick

                -Written by Marcus Boyd

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Grab a Cold One & Suck It Off Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: The Grab a Cold One & Suck It Off Edition

This week’s latest edition features Oyster Riot XIVII at Old Ebbitt Grill in DC and my thoughts about some colleges that have been in the news lately (because even I can’t write 500 words about eating oysters.)

Old Ebbitt Grill is the oldest bar in DC, opening in 1856. President William McKinley lived there when he was in Congress and has been known as the drinking spot for several presidents throughout the years. It has moved a few times, but currently resides right by the Washington Monument. It’s pretty cool blacking out at the same bar where Teddy Roosevelt drunkenly brawled in. Old Ebbitt is also known for its seafood. Every year since 1994, they host Oyster Riot the weekend before Thanksgiving. You buy a ticket, and you get to eat all the oysters and drink all the wine you can in a three hour period. Typically, this event sells out within hours, but due to rising costs (Tickets went for $135 this year) and the downward economy (Thanks Obama), Oyster Riot did not sell out. Since $135 for me is five lost blackjack bets, I figured what the hell. It’s a known DC event, the girlfriend wanted to go, and you only live once.

The title of today’s blog references my friend Red Bear’s Vegas advice on how to eat an oyster (complete with using all five fingers to hold the oyster.) I should point out Red Bear was completely sober when he gave this advice, and everyone who heard this story thinks he described how to orally please a man. Blowjobs be damned, it was time to decimate oysters and wine. Anyone who thinks I didn’t eat over 100 oysters and slam at least 10 glasses of wine can stop being my friend immediately. The wine stations were empty and there were plenty of oysters on the half shell for Boyd and company. My only complaint was they shut off the wine service right away. Some ran out of wine altogether, but others re-corked their supply and got the fuck out. Also, boo to the lady who commandeered our stolen bottle of wine. I worked hard stealing that bottle, and she took it as soon as it was nabbed. What a c word. By the end of the night, it became apparent that not everyone was ready for this Riot. Out of my group of four girls and two guys, two people passed out on the Metro for over two hours, one person lost their apartment keys, and one person projectile vomited all over the floor of their bed room. Good times.

Onto the college scene, my condolences go out to Oklahoma State. Last Thursday, their women’s hoops coach and an assistant coach were among the four victims of a deadly airplane crash. This brought back memories of another plane crash that occurred in 2001, when ten men affiliated with the OSU basketball team died. While this is different than the Marshall plane crash in the 1970’s where the entire football team perished, I can’t imagine what it is like for this community to be dealing with these two tragedies within a decade.

I am not going to dive much into the Penn State scandal as the media has tackled every angle already (including on this blog), but I will talk about the one thing really grinding my gears. The football team and the students should not be penalized for this scandal. Several writers have suggested that Penn State should have forfeited the season as soon as the reports hit and others have suggested they turn down any bowl invitations. Why should the current team, who had nothing to do with any of this, pay for the actions of a few men, who have since been removed from the team? Even more ludicrous, I heard that some students are losing their internships and/or not being considered for jobs due to attending PSU. Last I checked Penn State was still a good academic institution. The actions of Jerry Sandusky and everyone involved should be dealt with accordingly, but this is getting ridiculous. I don’t view my PSU friends any differently, and neither should anyone else.

Last, Syracuse University was rocked by a child sex abuse scandal as two former ball boys claim longtime men’s basketball assistant coach, Bernie Fine, had molested them back in the day. The head coach, Jim Boeheim, is defending his coach, who has been placed on administrative leave, and claiming there was no cover-up (Specifically telling the media last week “I am no Joe Paterno”.) Obviously, no one knows if this actually occurred. However, the timing seems real fishy on this. The victims claim seeing the PSU story break allowed them to be comfortable enough to report the past alleged abuse. Also, one of the victims reported this to police and ESPN in 2005, but both dismissed this as there no evidence or corroboration to indicate these acts occurred. The school also investigated this matter at the time and came up with nothing. This only came to light when a second victim, the first victim’s stepbrother, came forward. I am not going to defend this coach yet, because you just don’t know. However, in light of both of these stories coming out this month, I hope this sheds light for the NCAA and schools all around to start monitoring coaches. All “South Park” jokes aside, this is a serious and disturbing trend. Even if Fine is cleared and this is a hoax, a serious problem has been addressed and needs to be corrected.

To end on a positive non-molesting note, Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the time with your family and loved ones.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

The final installment of Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: Poconos & Thanksgiving

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Notre Dame vs. Maryland Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure-Notre Dame edition

For this week’s installment, I assembled a crew and we went to the Notre Dame-Maryland game at FedEx Field on Saturday night. I had every reason to be nervous about this trip. I have been to a few ND games before and let’s just say we know how to have fun:

· Notre Dame @ Navy 2006 at M&T Bank Stadium 12 pm game (Baltimore, MD)- Every year, Notre Dame plays Navy. When Navy hosts the game, they usually hold it at a larger venue since Annapolis can only hold approximately 383 people. Stains and I grab tickets at the day before; start drinking at Slider’s Bar at 8:30 am and see Notre Dame get their 43^rd consecutive victory over Navy. We celebrate by losing each other in the streets of Baltimore for about an hour (this was our first time in the Baltimore area) before reuniting. Stains drives us home pants-less before we get home and both vomit.

· Notre Dame @ Navy 2008 at M&T Bank Stadium 12 pm game (Baltimore, MD)-They decide to play this game again in Baltimore. Navy won the year before, so they are all jacked up. I counter with a group of about 20 people, made up of various college friends and Virginia friends. We once again make Slider’s Bar our pre-game spot, but more aggressively. Long story short, two friends took separate cab rides home from Baltimore to northern VA (Approximately a $150 fare.) Disco Dan never made it to the stadium, while Stains never made it to his seat. My night ended seeing AC/DC in concert in DC, projectile vomiting in a shady restaurant in Chinatown, and being told Notre Dame barely survived their huge lead to win the game.

· Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh 2009 at Heinz Field 8 pm game (Pittsburgh, PA)- Because Pitt plays their home games at Heinz Field, they can’t serve alcohol. Only neutral site games can serve alcohol. Luckily with an 8 pm game, our group drinks all the alcohol needed to last a game. All I remember is a pretty awesome tailgate, and Notre Dame losing to Pitt. As I took my anger out on a soon-to-be-fired Charlie Weis to a random group of fans in a limo, our entire group of guys decided to lick the vest of the girl Hennessy was talking to. Within a week, everyone who licked the vest or hooked up with someone who licked the vest was severely sick.

· Notre Dame @ Navy 2010 at New Meadowlands Stadium (East Rutherford, NJ)- Navy finally decided we destroyed Baltimore enough to move it further up north. This doesn’t stop us as we travel up for the game. Any excitement I had for stepping foot into the New York Giants new state-of-the-art stadium is ruined as Navy destroys Notre Dame. It results in me leaving the game midway through the 3^rd quarter (a first for me) and shotgunning beers by myself. Stains and I decide to drink in NYC through the night/next morning.

In 2009, Notre Dame altered their schedule so they would play seven home games, four road games, and host one neutral site game. This year, they decided the neutral site would be FedEx Field. This should provide a fair opportunity for each school as Notre Dame can host a game away from South Bend and cater to their fans from the Mid-Atlantic region, while Maryland can play at a bigger venue close to their campus.

Knowing we had a good-sized group for this game, I decided we needed a bus to handle the madness. Since I have friends in low places, I had access to the Virginia Tech Tank Bus. If you have been to a VT game in the past or driven around Falls Church, you have seen this monstrosity (http://vttankbus.blogspot.com/). A few friends bought on old German bus, gutted it, furnished it with couches, and painted it in VT colors. For a small fee, they would drive us to the tailgate. Unfortunately and predictably, I got a call at noon saying the bus wasn’t working. After calling several people in the tailgate, many negative emotions played out, from sadness to anger. As the last rites were being performed for the bus, Professor Craiggers decided it wasn’t the bus’ time and resurrected it from the dead. It was a glorious comeback indeed. Despite being 30 minutes behind schedule, it was better than taking the Metro like a bunch of jerks.

Once on the bus, the beer flowed like wine. Some people were already drunk before getting on the bus. We did have an ace in the hole when it came to the tailgate: our friends’ parents. Otherwise, it would have been 12 drunk guys just drinking and having a shitty tailgate. However, the parents realized their maternal instincts and made sure we set up the tailgate quickly and effectively. In minutes, we had a pretty sweet tailgate setup. It would have been the best one there if a bunch of Notre Dame graduates didn’t hire a Hot 99.5 deejay for their tailgate right next to ours, which was pretty shocking. Experiencing alums of Notre Dame over the last few years, I realize they are all boring as shit. As much as I wanted to go to school there, I’d be afraid of how socially retarded I’d be if I spent four years in South Bend. It would be weird for Marcus Boyd, known hater of nerds, to be in a school full of nerds.

As for the game itself, I was surprised by two things. One, the lack of Maryland fans. While I was expecting more ND fans, it was shocking how little the Terrapin crowd was. You would have thought College Park was 1,000 miles away from FedEx, not ten miles. It was quite the Irish crowd, despite one fan wearing all Michigan gear and being a douche. Second, FedEx Field seemed not to care about this game. They barely checked tickets to get into the stadium, and didn’t care where you sat. Instead of sitting in the nosebleeds, Disco Dan and I sat 15 rows off the field, next to the Notre Dame band. It was enjoyable to hear one of the more famous college bands, but it was also disgusting, thinking about all the weird places those nerds have put their trumpets. I even got to sit in the front row near the end of the game, congratulating Harrison Smith for singlehandedly causing my disastrous 2010 Sun Bowl blackout.

When it was all said and done, I saw Notre Dame crush Maryland, while running their record to 3-2 when I watch them. Everyone had a good time, and everyone (including the bus) made it home safely. I was pretty drunk, but it was very tame compared to the last few Irish games I’ve attended. I hope the wildness returns for next year’s road trip: Ireland for the Notre Dame-Navy game.

           -Written by Marcus Boyd

Next week: Oyster Riot XI

Alright boys, hit the showers

           Some serious shit went down over the past couple days in the state I grew up in. Penn State University has been in the spot light and twitter/facebook have been blowing up. If you don't know why, please crawl out from under that rock and join the rest of society. Former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky has allegedly been raping young boys. Jerry Sandusky is the worst kind of human being and will get what he deserves. If it turns out that he is innocent; well he's still ugly, so fuck him. I won't give that man more than a paragraph of my time so let's get down to what people are really talking about.

           Joe Paterno is the head football coach, oops, was the head football coach and the face of the University for over 40 years. He's been with the University for over 60 years. From what I understand, some ginger, who is a 28 year old man, witnessed inappropriate acts in the shower of one of Penn State's facilities. As a grad student and apparently a huge pussy, he went home and told his father. His father informed him to tell Joe Paterno what he saw. Joe then told his boss, the athletic director, what he was told about an old man with a 10 year old boy in the shower. Then . . . nothing happened.

           First of all, child molestation is serious, gross, unacceptable and should never be overlooked. Mike McQueary should have acted the second he saw what was going on. He didn't and he'll get what he deserves as well. That's not the big story. I'm not sure anyone knows the big story.

           Obviously I have a huge problem with what happened and the fact that 8-10 little boys have had their innocence taken from them by a low-life scumbag (allegedly). I could write all day long about how sad this makes me and how infuriating this whole situation is. But I'd like to take this time to focus on what has been engulfing the media for the past 3 or 4 days.

          Joe Paterno had announced that he would retire at the end of the season. The board of directors for Penn State didn't like that decision and fired him immediately. That's what is causing the outrage. If you feel that Joe got what he deserved and should have been fired then we're on the same page. If you think he got a raw deal and should have been able to finish this season, then we're not on the same page and I have a problem with that.

          His legacy, his records, his reputation, all his contributions to the University; these are the reasons that everyone thinks he should have been able to finish his career on the field. However, they are the exact reasons he needed to be fired on the spot. He is the face of that University and needed to be the one to step up. I keep hearing over and over that he did what he was supposed to do, and told who he was supposed to tell. You know what else he did? NOTHING ELSE. He needed to be the one to follow up and make sure the police knew about this and would investigate. He did the bare the minimum. If this was a case of a coach stealing hot-pockets from the university store I would be satisfied with the bare minimum. We are talking about child abuse and rape!

           Maybe it's because I have a 10 year old nephew or because I have a level head but I am not satisfied with the Icon of a University not doing more. I'm also a little disappointed with how everyone is handling this. The riots on campus were ridiculous. Come on guys, get your shit together and look at the big picture. Here's a hypothetical situation I want you to consider:

               

                               "There have been allegations made that a former coach of Bloomsburg University was witnessed with a young boy in the shower doing inappropriate things. This was brought to the attention of the head football coach, who told the athletic director immediately. There was no follow up and the police were never involved. It has come to everyone's attention that this has been going on for quite some time and had the head football coach done more, a number of children could have been saved from the horrendous acts that occurred."

           How do you feel about that head coach? His name is irrelevant, how long he's been there is irrelevant, how much money he gave to Bloomsburg is irrelevant. So what's the difference between Joe Paterno's situation and this made up situation? Wait for it . . . NOTHING. There is no difference. The reason there is no difference is because it has nothing to do with football. We're talking about children being raped in the shower.

            Maybe this will help. Joe was told that there was a possibility that his buddy Jerry was raping boys in the shower. He told his boss but didn't follow up on it. I guess that's okay though, he did what he was supposed to do.

  

            Apparently as soon as you tell someone something it just disappears from your brain. Well if I knew that something like that might be happening, I wouldn't be able to sleep until I knew the truth. Joe Paterno is pretty old and probably just falls asleep after dinner at 4:30. I couldn't do that.

             I feel like I'm rambling a little bit so allow me to sum up my general message.

            This situation is terrible and I can't begin to know what this is doing to the victims. Again, it has nothing to do with football. Anyone, and I mean anyone, that knew about this needed to step up and make sure that justice was done. Especially the most well known person on campus. So yes, it's a shame his illustrious career ended this way. However, he brought on himself because he should have done more.

            I'd also like to reiterate that Jerry Sandusky is a real piece of trash and will get what he's got coming to him. Mike McQueary is a ginger pussy who should have done something. I wanted to focus on the main story and that was Joe Paterno. So I did. Now, I'll go into the kitchen and give myself a Ham Sandwich. 



You Can't Avoid Boyd - West Coast Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: West Coast Edition

The third installment features a bachelor party in Las Vegas and a wedding in San Diego. Let’s skip the dinner and hop right into the shower, Sandusky style (Heads up, if you don’t want to read Jerry Sandusky/Penn State jokes today, stop reading immediately.)

First off, fuck you Southwest Airlines. As awesome as waiving the checking fee for your first bag is, your open seating policy blows. People need structure when it comes to airline seating, not the freedom to choose based on your boarding position. Perhaps I could have enjoyed my five hour flight if I could get my drink on with Hennessy and Stains, instead of being isolated by a very drunk and very ugly trio of Maryland ladies. Even Hennessy wouldn’t put it in their Sanduskys, and that says a lot.

I needed this Vegas trip like Penn State needs a good PR firm: pretty fucking badly. Vegas is unlike any other city I have been to. It has enough activity for the family man, the drunkard, and the degenerate gambler. Luckily I am two of the three, so I was stoked. My first contact with a table game led me to the 28^th all-time leading scorer in NBA history, Tim Duncan. It was pretty surreal. Not because he is a celebrity (Not that I’m a Hollywood player, but I’ve seen a decent amount in my lifetime), but because he was appearing like I would: t-shirt, backpack, hanging out with his douchebag white friend, and playing on a $10 craps table. Sure, he was betting beyond $10 per play, but not by much. Either way, we all walked away up a good amount of money. Unfortunately, this would be the only time during the two day stay I’d be in the black. The one thing I hate about these trips is my unbelievable luck early in multiple day gambling excursions. Some of you are reading this and saying “Why don’t you just walk away when you are up?” These are the same people who only play slots if they go to a casino. I will not go into detail of my actual lost wagers, but I can be referred to as Victim #10.

Vegas isn’t just about gambling. It’s about hanging out with your friends (14 made the trip overall.) Two of the group outings that stand out are the group dinner and the Club Haze bottle service night. We went to a very nice dinner at Tender Steakhouse at the Luxor. We had a great time. Unfortunately, no one in the surrounding area did. We ruined the dinner of at least ten tables. Not everyone is a huge fan of 14 guys screaming the same four stories over and over again, throwing things at one another, and quoting TV shows and movies repeatedly (This trip was sponsored by “South Park” and “MacGruber”.) Then again, if you ain’t running with it, run from it, motherfucker. If the PSU scandal would have occurred at this point in our trip, we would have been asked to leave after some of the jokes we broke out on Saturday. Also, if you go to a steakhouse, unless you are a vegetarian, order a steak. Don’t order ravioli to prove how Italian you are. We already figured that out with the blowout and the flashy t-shirts. As for the bottle service, nothing is greater than buying a bottle for 10 times worth its value to show off to a bunch of people. We figured Club Haze would work since we had already donated a substantial amount of money at their casino, so why not continue with the charity. Luckily, our friend Sasha had worked in Vegas previously and knew what he was doing. It was my first actual experience with a person Reaganing as he was in the zone, getting us in, getting us a good rate, even getting us a new bottle on the house when two Asian ladies Hiroshimaed into our table. True to the real Reagan, he even became a drooling, incoherent corpse near the end of the night. When it was all said and done, we spent a lot of money to treat that city however we felt like. For me, it concluded with seeing the sun rise at Denny’s and a total of about four hours of sleep in Sin City.

With Vegas in our rear view mirror, we headed into sunny San Diego. I should say it’s normally sunny as it was 55 degrees and raining all day Friday. We traveled over 3,000 miles to get the same weather as they do in Pittsburgh. However, it was perfect weather to catch up on sleep and to continue abusing my liver with booze. Friday night involved the rehearsal dinner and the Gaslamp District, where we continued to be loud and obnoxious. Saturday, it involved all of us to dress nicely and try to shut the hell up for the ceremony. We did a good job with that, but continued with our debauchery afterwards. I am not going to go over all the wedding details as it went just like every wedding you have been to. However, I am going to offer the wedding photographer two tips of advice. First, don’t tell our group to take a gay picture with the groom if your definition of gay is silly. Instead, you got about eight pictures so gay, it would make Jerry Sandusky blush. Second, don’t tell us to circle around you as you lay down in the middle of the circle, as if you were a cookie or cracker. That’s pretty much a batting practice fastball and we don’t miss batting practice fastballs, we knock them out of the park.

Considering I’ve been drinking for ten years, I cannot recall another as destructive four day period as this trip out west. I am still not 100% recovered from it, realized how old as fuck I am becoming, and now have some friends who will probably never be the same. It could have been worse; I could have been facing 40 counts of molesting minors or been fired from my job.

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Next week: The Notre Dame vs. Maryland experience, featuring Tank Bus

You Can't Avoid Boyd - White Halloween Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: White Halloween Edition

I’m writing this post earlier this week as I’ll be in Las Vegas/San Diego for most of this week. The second installment of this series will feature the “Nightmare on M Street” bar crawl in DC and Halloween. I know what you are thinking; “Boyd, you are writing about traveling, and one of your spots is Washington DC, a place ten minutes away from your house?” My response: whatever….fuck you. Let’s get to it:

Thumbs up for Halloween in general. There are few holidays we get to enjoy throughout our whole life. Halloween cracks this list. As a baby, your mom dresses you as something adorable and everyone loves it. As a kid, you get to go door-to-door, Willy Loman style, in your costume and strangers just give you candy (The only time it is acceptable to take a stranger’s candy.) As a young adult, you get fubar in a costume and interact with other drunk individuals. The sillier the costume, the better the results. Good times all around.

Thumbs down to this year’s weather. The early forecast for this past weekend’s festivities called for mid-40s and a chance of rain. I would have taken that in a heartbeat if I knew what was to come. Instead, it was flurrying most of the night. Snow flurries could have put a damper on the annual slutty costumefest. Factor in the snow that douched my hometown and it was as if God was trying to cock block all my friends.

Thumbs up to the slutty warriors. Neither rain, nor hail, nor snow, nor frigid conditions would stop these girls from getting their whore on. Sure, they may have covered themselves with jackets and hats on the streets, but once inside, their inhibitions went out the window. I don’t know what possesses a girl to be a nurse or cop with exposed jacked up cleavage, but who am I to solve this awesome mystery.

Thumbs down to this year’s costumes. I was expecting to see a lot of Lady Gaga and Charlie Sheen costumes. The Lady Gaga’s were pretty creative, but the Charlie Sheen’s were lacking. Most had a generic Indians jersey and hat, with an ironed on “Wild Thing” on the back. No tiger blood, no blow, no insane sayings, nothing creative. Come on people. I did not see one Casey Anthony outfit. Halloween isn’t just throwing on a wig. You are better than that. I went as a Smurf for God’s sakes (Papa Smurf to be exact, with the girlfriend as Smurfette.)

Thumbs up to the bar crawl. Lindy Promotions for the 12^th straight year has run this bar crawl in the midtown area. Despite the weather, it was a pretty good turnout. It started out slow, but the bars were packed by the end of the night. Some bars were more popular than others, so being a veteran of these bar crawls helps. For instance, you want to start out at the empty bars and begin to tie one on, and head to a popular bar in the middle of the night before it gets too crowded. If you wait too long, you’ll be standing in line forever. Kudos for “Bread & Brew” for once again making their infamous green jello shots with tequila. It tastes like pure liquor, but it gets you where you need to be for $1. $5 later, Papa Surf was where he needed to be.

Thumbs down to the bar crawl. There were some negatives to the bar crawl as well. Obviously, they couldn’t control the weather, but they can control the crowd. If I would have attended the event for the first time, I’d be angry that I couldn’t get into any good bar after 9:30 pm. Either limit the wristbands you sell or provide better detail. Also, the bar crawl included $2 Coors Lite. Really, you couldn’t get a different sponsor than Coors Lite?!? I’ll drink it if I had to, but very few people I know drink it voluntarily. If I am trying to get my crawl on, at least give me a Bud Light or a Miller Lite. Coors Lite and having sex on the beach have the same thing in common: it’s both fucking close to water. For $3, I could have had a Blue Moon, but that’s not a consumption beer. That’s a sipping beer. Also, “Recessions” could have done a better job not serving us skunked beer. All eight of the beers they served us were skunked to a degree. Granted, we drank them, but that’s because we are scumbags.

When it was all said and done, I survived my first White Halloween. The girlfriend and I had the best Smurfs costume on M Street as many people asked to take pictures with us. Even more impressive, I managed to wash off the blue face paint before passing out face first, per my usual Saturday night ritual. Face down, smurf up, that’s the way Boyd passes out on the weekend sonnnnnn.

-Written by Marcus Boyd

Next week: An extremely edited post about Las Vegas for a bachelor party and San Diego for a wedding.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Talladega Nights Edition

Marcus Boyd’s Excellent Adventure: Talladega Nights Edition

For the next few “You Can’t Avoid Boyd” (or what the lazy people call YCAB), I will be writing about my travel adventures, some local, some not. The first installment brings us to one of the biggest NASCAR venues in the United States, Talladega, Alabama.

I know you are all wondering why I would attend a NASCAR race. My love of race car driving is strictly defined by “Days of Thunder”, “The Fast & The Furious: April Drift”, and “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” and no actual racing. I had actually attended the Pocono 500 in 2005 as some of my rugby teammates hit it up. Once it started, I bolted after 20 minutes. Grand opening, grand closing. However, one of vendor reps offered a co-worker and me an all-expense paid trip to the race. I figured it was worth another shot. Golf on Saturday, race on Sunday, paid day off on Monday and all the alcohol I can drink throughout. Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!

Actually, life did get better. Saturday’s golf round was replaced by driving to Birmingham and watching college football/drinking all day. Instead of shooting a 142, I got to abuse my golden ticket. First off, Birmingham might be the most boring college town I have ever been in (you are off the hook, East Stroudsburg.) While attending a conference down there years ago, no one seemed to go out. I figured it was just bad during the weekdays, or just randomly dead that week. On Saturday, it was a ghost town. It did get a little more crowded when LSU kicked off, but it was pretty bad showing. I figured people were attending the UAB football game until a friend pointed out they played Thursday night. Second of all, waitresses are extremely nice. Not once did I have to fill up my pint glass, as the three pitchers of PBR I drank singlehandedly were flowing like wine. There weren’t many lookers in the group, but they sure were nice. Later that night, my group of married colleagues decided it was time to head to the “library”. It was a pretty awesome library, except when it came down to the night games. Alabama was kicking off the same time as Notre Dame’s first night game in 21 years. I have been looking forward to the Irish game all season. I figured one television would show it. Nope. When I asked one of the librarians if they could change one of the many TVs, she said “Honey, you’re in Alabama. If I change the channel, a riot will break out.” Luckily, I didn’t miss much as the Irish shit the bed. At the end of the night, I learned two things: I do not know how to make a Royal Flush shot (it is not just Crown Royal and cranberry juice) and Taco Bell will not allow you to walk through the drive-thru.

After sleeping two hours, it was time for Talladega. By 7 am, our group had set up the grill, two tents, tables, chairs, and chilled the beer, all 75 cases. They even brought a port-a-potty. Since most of my colleagues are old as fuck, I was drinking alone until 9 am. By the time the grill was fired up, they adhered to the strict South law that vegetables are for pussies. They had four different types of pork (Thank god Josh and Evan didn’t go on this trip, they would have starved to death.) To my delight, NASCAR races are BYOB. I was at the perfect moment of tailgate drunk as I walked into the famous speedway. I was quite impressed as the track can hold 175,000 people and it appeared to be at full capacity. As I took my seat by the finish line, I was stoked. Then it happened. The race started and it was as boring as shit as I remembered it. 188 laps of hoping to see some awesome non-fatal crashes. Luckily, I did get to see a pretty sweet one. But it bored me to death. I even fell asleep twice (I had ear plugs in.) Throw in the fact I fell asleep at the library the night prior and I had earned a dubious reputation during the trip.

After back to back 12 hour drinking sessions, the rest of the trip involved an early Sunday night pass out by the entire group, trying not to vomit during the vendor’s plant tour on Monday morning (which would have been the second time after the Royal Flush shot), and looking miserable as I waited for my flight in the enormous continent known as Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport. All and all, good times. I regret nothing, except the entire race.

        -Written by Marcus Boyd

Next week: Halloween in the DC area.

McDonald's - You Sassy Bitch!

              Fast food? No, thanks. Unless you count Subway as fast food, which I don't, I normally stay away from it because it's just not that healthy. I'm not a super health nut but I try to watch what I eat to maintain my figure. With the recent health craze, fast food establishments have been offering healthier options. I'm not really sold on the whole thing. If I want a salad or apple slices, I'm not going to a drive through. As a matter of fact, I only go vist a drive through after I've been drinking for a couple hours and can't help but crave whatever I can read at the time. Those drunken trips to fast food joints are few and far between so for the sake of this blog, they will not be taken into consideration. So why am I talking about fast food? Because there is something out there that can change my mind and I'm not sure why it has the power it does. You probably know what I'm talking about, don't you? Yep, you guessed it.

            The McRib is back! What is it about the McRib sandwich that is so enticing? It comes around every so often and has a dramatic affect on everyone's everyday life. McDonald's is reluctant to release sales figures for the McRib but that doesn't stop me from speculating widely. I will say with 95% certainty that overall sales go up 350% the first week the McRib is available. In simpler terms, let's say they are currently doing 1.5 million dollars a week in sales before the McRib is released. The first week that delicious hunk of pork is available to consumers, McDonald's sales would be 5.25 million. Those figures are made up to illustrate what a 350% increase in sales would look like. It's pretty ridiculous. So what is it about this sandwich that turns people into pork-craving mad men (or women)?

             I'll tell you what it is. The sandwich is fucking good! Plain and simple. A piece of pork shaped like a mini-rack of ribs, covered in BBQ sauce, onions and pickles is just downright delicious. And if we really needed another reason to hate the Germans, the McRib is offered all year round over there. Is that part of it? The fact that it only comes around every so often? If it was offered year round would it still be a big deal? I doubt it. I'm sure if it was always an option it would lose it's allure. But it's not, so enjoy it while it lasts. It will only be around until November 14th. So stock up! In honor of the amazing McRib I will be substituting a McRib for the usual Ham Sandwich when I get my shame-free Hand-jobs from the less fortunate.

You Can't Avoid Boyd - Chevy Chase is a God Damned Genius

Chevy Chase is a God Damned Genius (Wait, what?)

(When explaining his gambling losses in the movie “Dirty Work”)

Dr. Farthing: “I know there's really nobody to blame for this but myself, well, I don't know, maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, or Mr. T or, or the Jets...”
Mitch: “Wait a minute, Mr. T? Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in Rocky III, and that you bet against Rocky?”
Dr. Farthing: “Hindsight is twenty-twenty, my friend.”

“Dirty Work” taught us three things: never piss off a Saigon whore, Norm Macdonald should never star in a movie, and hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately, hindsight is ruining one of the happier sports moments for me.

The Boston Red Sox suffered an embarrassing collapse down the stretch to end the baseball season. Up nine games on September 3^rd against the Tampa Bay Rays, Boston was eliminated from the playoffs on the last day of the season when they lost their game and Tampa won, blowing the biggest September lead in MLB history. Side note: you can expect a book to be coming out in the future about this past September/last day of the season as we saw two epic comebacks (or meltdowns, depending on who you cheered for) regarding the chase for the 2011 MLB postseason (which can be magnified if one of those epic comebacks, the St. Louis Cardinals, win the World Series this month.) Boston did not help their cause to make the playoffs, going 7-20 in the final month. Their starting pitching struggled all month, and their once strong bullpen was worn down by the end. Their offense was inconsistent at best and they relied on too many people they shouldn’t have. Considering my hatred of the Red Sox is comparable to Casey Rybeck’s hatred of terrorists on modes of transportation, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then, the Boston Globe came along and ruined it for me.

Last week, the Boston Globe wrote a pretty revealing article on why the Red Sox choked. The article blasted the conditioning/mindset of their top starting pitchers (accused Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, and John Lackey of staying in the clubhouse rather than on the bench during games they weren’t pitching in, while they were drinking beers, eating fried chicken, and playing video games), blasted their manager (accused Terry Francona of being distracted about his recent divorce from his wife and questioning if he had developed an addiction to painkillers), and wondered if team chemistry was flawed (the article said some cliques formed in the clubhouse, and previous clubhouse leaders stayed quiet and isolated, reminding older fans of the “25 players, 25 cabs” days of the late 70’s). It was a great read, but the article offered many scapegoats for a team that surprisingly missed the playoffs. Lester admitted some mistakes were made throughout the season as the pitchers had a beer here and there, but denies they were getting drunk and abusing Popeye’s and Xbox. The fallout of this season resulted in Francona no longer being with the team as his option was not picked up and GM Theo Epstein on the verge of becoming the Chicago Cubs’ general manager.

This is where hindsight comes into play. Reading that article, you would completely understand why the Red Sox are out of the playoffs. Too many guys were goofing off and the manager had no control of the situation. However, the Red Sox were considered one of the best teams in baseball as recently as Labor Day. If the Red Sox went 9-18 down the stretch, that would be a horrible way to end the regular season. Yet, they would have made the playoffs and I guarantee you this article would have never been written. All this stuff would have still happened, but it would not have been brought to light by the media. If the Red Sox would have won the World Series, I am sure Beckett, Lester, and Lackey would have done commercials for KFC, mocking their fried chicken obsession. Francona would have still been a pill addict (allegedly), but still been the leader of the champion Red Sox. Instead, they blew a huge lead and people are paying the price. Remember, this was a team in 2004 known as “idiots” who drank Jack Daniels before big games (small sips, not Boyd quantities) and won the championship despite being down 3-0 in the ALCS (I know who they were playing, I just won’t write it here as I am fighting off tears.)

It’s easy to address something after the fact. Anyone can do that. The Red Sox are not in the playoffs because they played horrific baseball down the final 27 games, not from the highlights of the article. In my opinion, Francona did not do a good job managing the team this year. He’s always been known as a player’s manager, but it seemed his players took advantage of his style. You often hear how dictator-style managers typically do well early on, but fade as their message is ignored by the players. I believe the same principal applies here. Francona’s message was lost on this year’s squad. However, he’ll get a reprieve from the public after this smear campaign came out. Drugs and bitches didn’t make Francona a different manager this year. He just didn’t correct the ship, which should have been his first priority during the season. He figured his players would figure it out, yet they didn’t, and it cost him his job at the end.

If hindsight was available at the beginning, Dr. Farthing would have been rich courtesy of Rocky Balboa instead of dead from Mr. T, and I would have never dated the Crazy Chicken. Instead, it’s not and we have to live our life. In conclusion, fuck the Boston Red Sox.
       
           -Written by Marcus Boyd

What's Your 8K?

             Sunday morning and the Sun is shining. The grass is still wet from the morning dew and the initial chill is starting to disappear. We've all got our numbers on our shirts and our headphones in our ears. Now we just have to warm up and get ready for the start of the race. Everyone's warm-up is different. Some people jog up and down the street, some people stretch by themselves and some people get ready with a group of friends. Either way, the countdown to the race is on everyone's mind.

             How will I finish? Will I hit the wall too early? Will I trip on a rock and eat shit? Will the cramps get so bad I have to stop and walk? All these questions flood through my mind in the minutes before the race. It doesn't matter though, once that gun goes off and the race starts my mind becomes clear. I can only hear the music in my ears and the sound of my feet as they hit the pavement. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Cramps are going to come and muscle fatigue will try to show it's ugly face. Thoughts about stopping will crowd the gate to my mind and fight to get inside. None of that matters.

             Music in my ears and the rhythm of my stride are the only things I'm concentrating on. As long as that rhythm doesn't get slower I'm in good shape. I don't worry too much about the people around me or what place I'll finish. Every now and then I'll see a certain runner that I have to get in front of, either a much older person or anyone I feel I'm better than. Those are just some of the motivators that keep me from walking. And to me, that's the most important thing.

           On a certain level it just proves to me that I didn't give up. I kept running for the whole race. I didn't slow down and I sprinted across the finish line. Yea I felt like throwing up when it was over but that's the idea. You have to give it your all. You've heard the saying before, "Leave it all out on the field." Well in my case, it's leave it all out on the course.

           You need that in your life. Something you can do and do it all the way. You have to push yourself to max to find out what you're made of. It doesn't have to be running or biking or anything physical for that matter. It has to be something you can gauge your performance on and something that will push you to perform at your best. For me, it's running in competitive races. No, I don't come in first but I push my limits and leave it all out there. And I feel a hell of a lot better for it.

          So get out there and find your "race" and push your limits further than you ever have before. You'll be surprised what you'll capable of. It also makes you feel better about doing some of the things you might not be proud of. After the race this morning, I took my sweaty undercarriage to nearest 7-11 and got a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from the bum outside. I'll tell you what; after running an 8K, I felt pretty good about it.