Yea You're Gay, I Get It.

           I would like to start off by saying that I am completely behind same sex marriage. You should be able to marry whoever you want and be happy. That's what it's all about, the pursuit of happiness. Although, if it's happiness you're after I'm not sure if marriage is the way to go. Either way, it's your life so live it how you want to. That being said, I have a problem when someone completely overreacts and turns a normal situation into a gay/lesbian issue.

           I'm talking about the recent incident at Dollywood Park in Tennessee. Dollywood is a family park and has a dress code that asks it's patrons to cover up, or turn inside out any clothing or tattoos that might be offensive. They do this to everyone. If you are wearing an offensive shirt, they will ask you to turn it inside out. If you have an offensive tattoo, they will ask you to cover it up. It's very straight forward. And like I said, it applies to everyone.

           Last week a lesbian couple and their two kids went to Dollywood for a family fun day. These ladies were not officially married but they held a ceremony in North Carolina last year. So they are married as much as any other couple as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, Upon entering the park, one of the ladies was asked to turn her shirt inside out. Why? Because it was considered offensive and that's the policy. It wasn't because the it was being worn by a lesbian. The only part of this story that had anything to do with gays or lesbians was her shirt. It said, "Marriage is so Gay." Which for a family park is pretty offensive. Not to me, I don't give a shit, I think it's a funny shirt. But the fact remains, it's a family park and their policy is what it is. The couple complied so they wouldn't cause a scene but they didn't just let it go.

         They decided to make this a public matter and claim that Dollywood is not inclusive to gay and lesbian families. They suggested that their policies be more clear and that they offer sensitivity training to their employees. They also want them to issue a public statement that lets everyone know Dollywood is inclusive to all families.

          If I walked up to the ticket booth, or however you get into this place, with a shirt that said "Marriage is so Gay" I would have been asked to turn it inside out. This didn't have to be turned into a "look at me I'm gay and being treated unfairly" publicity stunt. We all know you're gay. There are people that are okay with it and there are people that aren't. What are you going to do? There are already some states where you can get married and same sex marriage is slowly picking up steam across the U.S. Unfortunately it's something we'll just have to wait for. What upsets me is the fact that a few gays and lesbians will completely overreact and expect special treatment in completely normal situations. For what? You're gay, I get it. I'm not going to give you extra stuff or treat you better because of it. If you're a dude, I might even tell a dick joke just to see how you react. I'm all for equality, but it's called equality so don't expect more than that. When I go behind the Dollar General and get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich, I don't care if you're gay or not. Just take the sandwich and get to work!

You Can't Avoid Boyd - NFL Lockout Edition

The NFL Lockout: The Good, the Bad, and the Winehouse

Let’s skip the foreplay and get balls deep:

The Good: Football is back. Thank the good Lord! Sundays would not have been the same if games were cancelled. We would have no excuse to get drunk and miss church/spend time with our significant others. Betting on baseball doesn’t have the same excitement as football. Now, we can go back to watching the Red Zone channel all day, celebrating our fantasy tight end catching a 4 yard touchdown, and watching NBC’s pregame show to catch the highlights of all the games we already saw.

The Bad: Concerned with player safety, the new CBA banned padded two-a-days in training camps and limited the number of padded practices through the course of the year. While this may save on the wear-and-tear of the players, I also think it makes them pussies. Let the coaching staffs and players figure out if they should hit or not. Plus, it might not be a bad idea for players to practice proper tackling, since most players launch themselves recklessly nowadays. The league has a weird way of showing concern of player safety as the owners can re-open the 18-game regular season discussion as early as 2013 under the new CBA.

The Winehouse: The lockout lasted for 132 days, the longest work stoppage in NFL history. We knew a lockout was expected once the owners chose to exercise their opt-out clause of the previous CBA in 2008. For three years, the players and owners knew a new agreement was needed, yet it still took them all that time to agree on a deal. It’s easy to understand why the fans got frustrated as each side appeared selfish, fighting for mere percentage points in this multi-billion dollar industry.

The Good: It was rumored the new ten-year CBA would have an opt-out clause for the owners and players after five years. Those rumors turned out to be false. We shouldn’t see another NFL lockout for at least ten years, which should only upset the lawyers who made bank with this lockout. Another good thing to come out of the CBA is lower contracts for the rookies. It is ridiculous that Sam Bradford received a guaranteed $50 million contract before ever playing his first NFL game. The rookies should earn their eventual rich contracts by proving themselves in the league first. Less money for the rookies means more money for the veterans. Hopefully, that will mean fewer holdouts during the course of this agreement.

The Bad: While this week should be crazy with free agency, trades, and cuts, certain teams are at a disadvantage this season while trying to implement new systems. The Houston Texans now have six weeks to install their new 3-4 defense, after playing the 4-3 for years. Second year QB Sam Bradford only has six weeks to learn Josh McDaniels’ new offense. Veteran teams should be able to take advantage of their familiarity early in the season as some teams will still be learning on the job. I’m talking parlays and teases early and often until Vegas understands this. Make that money sonnnnnnnn. I also feel bad for the undrafted free agents, who had to train on their own this summer, not knowing when they’d get their chance to sign with an NFL team. It’s possible to be a starter in the NFL without being drafted (Tony Romo, Kurt Warner, Miles Austin, and Arian Foster are recent examples of undrafted players who have had success in the league), but all benefited with a full summer of team workouts. The 2011 undrafted free agents have about six weeks to deal with this uphill battle and show why they deserve to be part of the final 53 man roster.

The Winehouse: Last Thursday, Myra Kraft, wife of Patriots owner Bob Kraft, passed away from a long battle with cancer. Unfortunately, no player on the team could send their condolences to Kraft, as that would have been a violation of the lockout terms. This was highlighted by defensive tackle Vince Wolfork angrily tweeting how he could pay his respects to the Kraft family during their time of need. While the image of Colts center/player rep Jeff Saturday hugging Kraft at Monday’s joint press conference was endearing, it’s a joke no NFL player could reach out to Bob Kraft (one of the more popular NFL owners) until there was a new CBA in place.

The Winehouse: During the lockout, the NFL maintains only two events were cancelled: the NFL Rookie Synopsis and the Hall of Fame preseason game. Ha ha ha…….BULLSHIT! Thanks to the lockout, there will be no “HBO Hard Knocks” this season. While it was expected, it’s still devastating. Rex Ryan may have made the show more mainstream when he cursed on it approximately 53,304 times last year, but the show has been a favorite for true football fans for years. Every year, they follow the same basic formula to create a successful season: highlight key position battles, get insight from the GM/coaching staff, follow around the draft picks new to the league, and focus on players who on the bubble of making the team. It makes for riveting television and Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith have denied us of that this year. Seriously, I was sadder about this than I was for Amy Winehouse. Then again, I was sadder about losing a close match of “Call of Duty: Black Ops” over the weekend than about the “Rehab” singer. Nevertheless, RIP Amy. People will miss your music. I’m just not one of them.

          -Written by Marcus Boyd

Why Norway? They didn't do anything to you!

               When you hear there was a terrorist attack, what do you do? I immediately try to guess what happened using my vast knowledge of action movies and generalizations I've made over the years. Yes, as racist as it sounds, most of them involve Muslim Extremists with their thumb on a detonator. But, that's just the way the world is today. I think that way and so do you.  And let's be honest, if so many of them didn't try to blow shit up, that wouldn't be the case. So who's really at fault? So until the particulars come out, I blame the Arabs and wait for further instruction. You can imagine my surprise when I found out the details of the latest terror attack in Norway.

               First of all, who attacks Norway? Norway just sits there, breeds gorgeous women and minds it's own business. Out of the 196 countries in the World, (195 according to the U.S. who doesn't recognize Taiwan as an independent) I can think of 178 countries more likely to be hit with a terrorist attack. And I can think of a thousand different nationalities of attackers. This guy was Norwegian for Christs sake. Then I heard exactly what he did, and why he did it. That's what really blew my mind.

                This guy sets off a number of bombs near Government buildings which sends the country into a frenzy. The Prime Minister was believed to be a victim, but he wasn't in his office at the time and remained unharmed. Where he was is beside the point, let's focus of the fact that he was okay. The bombings did claim a number of lives and left many more trapped under the debris. After that this monster goes to a liberal political youth camp and does something completely unheard of. While dressed as a police officer, he called for all the campers to gather around him. When they came closer he opened fire. Some of the campers, thinking it was a drill, began to run at him. On a side note, what kind of drills are they doing in Norway? Anyway, he ended up killing close to 70 innocent people. And get this; when he was captured he said he wanted a public forum to relay his message. What an asshole.

               His message is anti-Muslim and his goal is to stop cultural integration in Europe. I have a couple problems with this whole situation. Obviously the senseless, brutal and completely out of line massacre of innocent civilians is at the top of the list. Right below that is the fact that he has an anti-Muslim agenda and gets every ones attention by blowing up buildings and killing people. I can't understand the killing of innocent people in general, especially teenagers at a god damned summer camp. But you know what I really can't understand? Why would he kill his own country men (and women)? Yea, it was a liberal political youth camp but if you have a problem with Muslims, kill Muslims. Don't kill your own people just because they don't share your crazy anti-integration beliefs.

              You know what could be even worse? This guy will plead insanity and get off with some bullshit treatment in a crazy house somewhere. He won't be put to death, beaten, tortured or made an example of. This is one of the most horrific mass murdering sprees in history. Given the size of Norway, this attack was worse than 9-11, as far as the percentage of the population killed. Don't think I'm comparing the two, I'm just stating a fact. He'll get a fair trial and with the insanity plea, he'll never pay for what he did. I'm not against a fair trial, but when someone confesses to something like this, they should be tortured and killed, no questions asked. Maybe it's old fashioned but people that carry out terrorist attacks get way too much freedom these days. I don't want to give this guy too much attention because that's what he wants. I just want to say he's a jerk-off and should be punished severely for what he did. I'll have my fingers crossed, but my gut tells me there's going to be another unpopular ruling pretty soon.

             What happened over there was a horrible tragedy. With everything else going on in the world, this really drives home the fact that anything can happen at any time. There were a number of other subjects I was going to write about. The NFL lockout coming to an end, (Marcus Boyd will be covering that this Thursday) Amy Winehouse drinking her last drink and I had something about the kind of car you drive matching the style of driver you are, just to give a few examples. All really good stuff but this was a topic was too important not to blog about. Let me know what you think about the attack, terrorism, Muslims or Norway. I'm going to Washington, D.C. tomorrow, heading over to the homeless shelter and getting a real Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich. I think there is a correlation between the level of hunger and quality of the Hand-job. I'm still researching that, it's a labor intensive process. Official results will published at a later date.

What Do You Do For a Living?

              The day has finally arrived. The dreams of children everywhere have become increasingly more probable. In the past, there was only one path to greatness. Now, there are many. Today we celebrate the end of an era and the start of something new. Get excited everyone. Get very excited.

               The landing of the Space Shuttle Atlantis not only brings home the last four NASA Astronauts from space, it also brings with it the end of an era. One that spanned 30 years and captivated the Country with it's stories of success and tragedy time after time. With this door closing around 23,000 people will lose their jobs. However, it's the job opportunities that are about to open that excite me.

               The race to the Moon will now be opened up to private firms. Oh yes, the possibilities for our youth are now endless. No longer do you need to go through all the schooling and hard work of NASA Astronauts. With private firms running the show, any little brat with shit-loads of money can buy a seat on the next flight off the Earth. These companies will have the smart people making the decisions that matter, but as far as the passengers go. Money will be the determining factor here. Google has already sponsored a race to the moon with a deadline of December 2015. It's for an un-manned aircraft landing but that's the tip of the iceberg. One company already has lofty plans to become the Official Fed-Ex to the moon. It will only be a matter of time until the first civilian shells out the cabbage required to take the ultimate trip. And as far as I'm concerned, if you go into Outer Space, you're an Astronaut. So you kids out there better get excited. All you have to do to become an Astronaut is pay for a ticket.

              Just think how this impacts the next generation. There are now hundreds of ways to become an Astronaut.  Any path you take, as long as it ends with crazy amounts of money, can land you a trip into Space. It will also give you the ability to use one of the greatest  pick-up lines ever; "Hello, I'm an Astronaut." Also, back to the job opportunities, private firms are going to need to hire big to make something like this happen. New and exciting positions that work on programs to get back to the Moon sound pretty interesting to me. With all the talk about the bad economy, the debt crisis, sports drama and increasingly worse reality TV, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It looks a lot like privatized travel into Outer Space.

              This is where it starts. Do you know where it ends? It ends with us eventually inhabiting the Moon. It sounds a little crazy now but you'd be crazy to think it's not a possibility. I can't wait for the day I get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich behind the dimly lit 7-11 on the dark side of the Moon. A man can dream right?

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Anthony & Clemens to Prosecution: “Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks”

I am currently unsatisfied with my job. Apparently, there is a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at the bar. Upon searching for a new career, perhaps I should open it up to jobs outside the business world. Studying law could be an option. Sure, my knowledge in this field is relegated to “My Cousin Vinny”, “Law & Order”, and Charlie Kelly’s expertise in Bird Law, but given the performance of the prosecution in two recent notable trials, I might actually be overqualified in becoming a lawyer.

Casey Anthony. Some call her hot, most call her a baby killer, but not the Florida jury in her case. I won’t go into detail too much as Pat already covered this subject earlier in the month (http://handjobsforhamsammies.blogspot.com/2011/07/anything-you-can-do-i-can-do-better.html). Listening to a juror speak out immediately after the case, she admitted a not guilty verdict did not mean Anthony was innocent. However, without a body or an established cause of death, it would be hard to deem Anthony guilty, especially when the prosecution was seeking the death penalty. There was a concern that the prosecution might be better off seeking a life sentence in this trial. If they did, the jury may have been convinced to convict Anthony to life in prison, where the truth may actually be determined down the road. Instead, the 12 person jury felt it did not have enough evidence to sentence a potentially innocent woman to her death. While most of America believes Casey pulled an OJ, the prosecution may have overplayed their hand by seeking the stronger penalty.

Roger Clemens. One of the greatest pitchers of our generation has always been rumored to use steroids after his transformation from an overweight washout of the Boston Red Sox to the best pitcher in baseball for the Toronto Blue Jays in the mid 1990s. After being named in the Mitchell Report and sworn affidavits from former teammates as a steroid user, Clemens denied this under oath before Congress. His statements were passed along to the Justice Department, hinting Roger may have committed perjury. In August 2010, he was indicted on six counts relating to perjury, with his case being tried in July 2011. The prosecution had almost a full year to build their case against the pitcher. After spending a lot of time and money on their case, the prosecution made it to Day 2 in the trial before it fucked up so royally, the judge was forced to declare a mistrial. The prosecution had mentioned during the opening statements about testimony from a witness’ wife. The judge reprimanded the prosecution, citing this hearsay had been ruled inadmissible prior to the trial. On the second day, the prosecution ignored this and proceeded to air the inadmissible testimony on a television monitor. The judge, for lack of a better judiciary term, lost his shit and ended the trail 48 hours after it started. Due to the double jeopardy rule, Clemens might not face these perjury charges again. Clemens is currently a free man and can resume living his normal lifestyle (http://deadspin.com/5142053/roger-clemens-will-be-ready-to-pitchright-after-his-sadomasochistic-rubdown).

It might seem unfair to compare the lawyers in each case. The Anthony prosecution presented a strong case. Until the ruling, no one would have argued this. Unfortunately, they lost a case that most would feel was pretty winnable. The Clemens prosecution made “first-year law mistakes” from the get-go. These might be the worst lawyers in America and/or the biggest Clemens fans. I don’t even think they are qualified to defend themselves in Judge Judy’s courtroom, much less practice law in a federal courtroom.

At the end of the day, Casey Anthony and Roger Clemens got to walk off into the sunset as free people. It is possible neither of them has killed their two-year-old child or took performance enhancing drugs. However, both had strong cases against them. Fortunately for them, one prosecution couldn’t prove Casey should be sentenced to death while the other prosecution couldn’t get their head out of their asses to present the admissible evidence it had against Roger. I would weep for our future, but I don’t want to piss off any law firms that are looking for overzealous, incompetent attorneys. I still need a job.

        -Written by Marcus Boyd

Behind the Glitz and Glam of the Pros

             Professional athletes, for the most part, have an incredible life. They get to play the game they love, for a living. They get paid extremely well. Because they have money and women are shallow, they usually have hot girlfriends/wives. In some of the better cases (Tony Parker) they have a beautiful wife, then leave her for a younger and more beautiful model girlfriend. Sounds like the American Dream to me. Too bad he's French. Anyway, that's the life for most of the professional athletes of today's biggest sports. However, we can't appreciate the good without the bad. Not all athletes have the perfect life, my friend, I tell you that right now. (Re-read last sentence in Andrew "Dice" Clay's voice)

             Lamar Odom plays professional basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers, for the less sports savvy out there, he is married to Chloe Kardashian. Lamar makes great money playing the game that helped him through his very troubled past. His mother passed away when he was in grade school and his father was a heroin addict. It's safe to say, he spent a lot of time at Grandma's house growing up. Basketball was his way to escape and it led him to a very successful career so far. The Lakers might be able to win another championship while he is still there, so who knows how great his numbers could be. But, what did I say in the opener? We can't appreciate the good without the bad.

            To recap, Lamar lost his mother while in grade school. There were no "father of the year" awards on the mantel. In 2006, he lost his youngest son to SIDS. And with a nice big (emphasis on big) cherry on top, he's married to the wrong Kardashian. But wait, there's more! (Re-read last sentence as the late Billy Mays) Last Thursday, Lamar Odom rented a car service to get around the Big Apple. No big story really, athletes rent cars all the time. It wasn't his fault the car he rented felt like crashing into a motorcycle. The motorcyclist is fine. Unfortunately the bike he was riding decided to hug a 15 year old boy minding his own business. The boy later died from the injuries. Talk about bad luck. It wasn't his fault, he was just renting a car service while it town. Did I mention he was in NYC for his cousin's funeral? Well after that rather horrible week, I'd say he had a few reasons to day drink that weekend.

           Do you know the worst part? Lamar isn't the only athlete to be involved in the accidental death of an innocent person. Oh yea, it happens in baseball too. Does everyone know Josh Hamilton? He's a baseball player for the Texas Rangers. A pretty good one at that. Well, he went on a one man killing spree a few weeks ago at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, Texas. During the game he saw a nice young father with his six year old son. Next time he got the opportunity he decided to give the fans a little souvenir. I'm sure he didn't plan what happened next but it was epic. He short-armed it to the fan, who when reaching for the poorly thrown ball, fell over the railing to his death. I'll give you a chance to think about that. This guy was at a baseball game with his son, reached for a baseball tossed by an All-Star Outfielder and fell to his death. If you're anything like me, I know what you're thinking. What did the kid do with the ball?

            I guess the point is, be grateful for what you have. Even the guys with all the money have shitty things happen to them. Unfortunately, with all the success stories flaunted in our face, the bad stuff seems few and far between. That may be true but just know this. No one is safe when professional athletes go on completely unplanned rampages of death. They are bigger and stronger than the average person and have the drive and motivation to unwillingly kill whoever they want. So, be careful out there. And next time you think you're life sucks and you'd rather be a pro, make sure you have the mental toughness to deal with the grief of offing a spectator. It's not all rainbows and gum drops in the world of professional sports.

            When I read stories like this, I'm reminded these guys are still human beings. They aren't immune to anything and sometimes they get caught up in some crazy shit. The fact that they're famous just means we get to hear all about it. Of course I'd still rather be a professional basketball player and deal with the risk of accidental murder. I'm just saying, I can also appreciate what I've got going. Even though I get Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches behind (insert favorite gas station here) every other night.

You Can't Avoid Boyd

O Captain, My Captain

It was as if I was a movie theater on Saturday afternoon, watching the latest sports cinematic thriller. Derek Jeter, in his 1^st at bat as a member of 2,999 hit club, dug in against Tampa Bay Rays ace, David Price, after working this sequence to a full count. On the eighth pitch of the at bat, Jeter put Price’s slider into the left field stands, becoming the 28^th member of the 3,000 hit club (only the 2^nd to do so via a home run.) If it were a movie, the home run would have won the game, the home run would have shattered some lights, and he would have been congratulated afterwards by his girlfriend, Minka Kelly (played in the movie by Minka Kelly), and his father, Dr. Charles Jeter (played by Morgan Freeman). Instead, it tied the game at one in the bottom of the 3^rd and was eventually won by the Yankees after a Jeter RBI single. It was truly one of the many days I’ve been proud to cheer on the Yankee shortstop.

The naysayers say that Jeter is an overrated shortstop. They question his defense and believe the New York media has made him a superstar, not his merit. As a person who has followed him his entire career, I can honestly say he is one of the greatest shortstops in the history of baseball. He is not the best, but I would choose him over any other shortstop in his prime. 3,000 hits speaks volumes as that is one of the last remaining benchmark numbers still remaining in baseball. Out of the 28 members of the 3,000 hit club, only four are not in the Hall of Fame. Two are currently ineligible (Jeter won’t be eligible until five years after his retirement, Craig Biggio won’t be eligible until 2012), Pete Rose knew too much about trifectas and parlays and has earned a lifetime ban from baseball, and Rafael Palmeiro has a failed steroid test despite assurances to Congress he was clean holding up his chances to Cooperstown.

I believe Jeter was a good defensive shortstop, but has regressed with age. I know the numbers in the advanced defensive statistics don’t speak positively, but there was a day when a grounder in the hole meant a Web Gem, not a base hit. Unfortunately, only porn stars, catchers, and basketball centers age worse than shortstops. Still, Jeter plays a respectable short, even at the age of 37.

The man dubbed “Mr. November” has shown in his career that he is clutch. From 1998 on, Jeter was the man you wanted to see at the plate in a tight situation as a Yankee fan. You might see the occasional long ball, but you knew he would hit a single to right field with his typical inside-out swing. I know compared to others, his offensive numbers in clutch situations don’t stand out over any other Yankee, but it seemed Jeter never let down his team or fans when the pressure was the highest. I will never forget his home run on Opening Day his rookie season in Cleveland, his back flip to Posada to get Jeremy Giambi out at home in Oakland in the playoffs, him face planting into the stands after a running catch against the Red Sox in the Bronx, or his walk-off in the first ever World Series game played in November.

My dad says that Mickey Mantle was one the greatest baseball player he ever saw. He was a very good player based on his lifetime numbers, but came up short compared to others. Granted, his career was affected by injuries (he tore up his knee in 1951 and it never healed properly. Today, he would have had ACL surgery and been good to go after six months) and his social life (knowing his family’s history with cancer, he partied like Charlie Sheen figuring he would eventually succumb to Hodgkin’s. He never got cancer, just the effects of alcohol abuse), but in his heyday, he was the one you wanted to see in a big spot. I have the same appreciation of Jeter. The numbers may not support it, but he is one of the greatest baseball players I have ever witnessed.

He is a home-grown talent who has only worn the Yankees uniform in his professional career and has been a key member to five championship teams. Also, it doesn’t hurt that his black book looks like “Maxim’s 100 Hottest Females” and has earned over nine figures from contracts and endorsements. As a sports fan, there is nothing more I could ask for. Cheering on an athlete who is loyal and gives his all. Derek Jeter, I look forward to seeing your speech in Cooperstown.

                 -Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

           Good morning and happy Wednesday. My Words of Wisdom for this week are up to date and right on the money. It all came to me this weekend after the Yankees game where one of their players entered some club about hits. We both know what I'm talking about, I just hate the Yankees. Anyway, my Words of Wisdom are to the fan that caught the home-run, and to anyone else who might get put in a similar situation. Do not try to do the right thing when it comes to professional athletes and memorabilia.

           Let's say you caught a historic home-run ball at a baseball game. What would you do? Would you take it home and wait for the offers to pour in? That's what I would do. These players make stupid amounts of money and will pay top dollar for shit like that. Even if the player doesn't want to pay for it, there are thousands of collectors out there with too much money that are more than willing to shell out some serious dough for this kind of stuff. The smart thing to do here is take the ball home and start getting your bills together. Do some research and find out your price floor, meaning the price you won't go lower than. I would hope you don't have a price ceiling, you can accept as much as anyone is willing to pay. The point is, you need to take the smart road here and get as much money as possible.

            Words of Wisdom, look out for number one and get that money. Opportunities like this don't come around that often, if at all. You need to be completely selfish here and get as much money out of the deal as possible. Don't try to be the ultimate fan and give the ball back. Trust me, you'll do much better off in the open market selling to the highest bidder.
 
           The fan that caught the Yankee ball decided to be the "good guy" and give the ball back. He was rewarded with free tickets for the rest of the season, signed bats and whatnot. Not a bad deal I suppose. Oh I forgot to mention that the ball he caught would have been worth at least $250,000. Yes, $250,000. I'll let you imagine what he could have bought with all that money.

            That's not the only thing. He might end up paying around $14,000 in taxes if the IRS decides to consider the stuff he received as income. These are all estimates of course. The tickets are valued between 45 and 74 thousand dollars alone. So this guy doing the right thing could end up costing him over 10 thousand dollars. So again, my Words of Wisdom are DO NOT do the right thing when it comes to professional athletes and sports memorabilia.

            What would you have done in this situation? If the answer is anything other than "get that money, get that money, get that money!" You don't listen and should really look into that. In the meantime I'm going to do the right thing and feed a poor homeless man a Ham Sandwich. If you're asking, "what else are you going to do?" My answer is always "get that Hand-job!" So don't you worry!

Where Do Nice Guys Finish?

          I'm sure you've all heard the saying "nice guys finish last." Well there have been some conflicting arguments on this subject recently that prompted me to speak on it. Having been the "nice guy" in the past I have a pretty strong opinion on this matter.

           First we need to know who the "nice guy" is. The nice guy is the one who calls back after a first date. He is the guy who opens doors, and pulls out chairs. When you girls have a rough day, he's the one who genuinely cares and tries to make things better for you. He treats you with respect and talks to you like a woman. He likes to hear from you and will initiate conversation just because. He is also the one who will walk his drunken friend home and not take advantage of them. Some people call this guy a pussy, but he's just a nice guy. Does he sound familiar?

           Now ladies, doesn't that sound like the kind of guy you'd like to end up with? He seems like a pretty good catch to me. It's almost a no-brainer. However, speaking of no-brainers, girls don't like the "nice guy." You'll hear over and over how there are no nice guys out there and that men are such assholes. I know why, and I'd like to drop some truth on you.

           Nice guys are all over the place. Some of them might not be acting that way now, because they've been the nice guy for too long. A man can only take so much abuse. After being walked on over and over they are forced to change. They are forced to become an asshole. You know why? Because that's all you girls respond to.

           As I said before, I've been the nice guy, and for a long time. I was taken for granted and walked all over and it wasn't fun. So I had to change my ways out of necessity. Unfortunately for the nice guy, even the transformation doesn't last forever. Eventually the "nice guy" inside will come out again and guess what happens? The same shit. A lot of the guys you see as an asshole are only that way temporarily. When they get comfortable enough to be themselves again, the nice guy will come back out. It's just a shame that history repeats itself and he'll be putting up with the same treatment before long. Now, there are exceptions to this but they are few and far between. So if you are one of those rare girls that appreciates the nice guy, don't freak out. You are the exception.

           Next time you hear a woman say, "men are assholes, where are all the nice guys?" Let her know, kindly of course, that women are the reason men are assholes. It's out of pure necessity that men act the way they act. Do you think I'd be able to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich if I was nice about it? Absolutely not!

You Can't Avoid Boyd

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Hot Dogs

There is not a prouder day to be an American than on July 4^th, Independence Day. Honoring all of the U.S. troops for everything they have sacrificed and their on-going efforts to protect our freedom, enjoying a day of barbecue with friends and loved ones, culminating with a sky full of fireworks. Luckily, we have one more American tradition to observe on this important date, watching Joey Chestnut eat a shitload of hot dogs.

Starting in 1916, Nathan’s Hot Dog stand in Coney Island, NY has been the host to the famous hot dog eating competition every Fourth of July. The competition was relatively under the radar until two things happened: Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 hot dogs in 2001 (doubling the event record at the time) and ESPN started broadcasting the event in 2004. Since then, this event has become a national event. Three moments stand out for me about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest:

1. Kobayashi dominated the event from 2001 to 2005, winning each year by a huge margin. In 2006, Kobayashi won again, but only beat 2^nd place finisher Joey Chestnut by two hot dogs. Americans knew if there was any chance to have a local win this event, Chestnut was our only hope. In 2007, Chestnut bested Kobayashi to win his first of five consecutive Nathan’s events.

2. In 2010, Chestnut won again, but without Kobayashi competing. Due to a new rule at the event, only competitors signed with Major League Eating could compete. Afterwards, Kobayashi, in attendance as a spectator as he refused to sign a contract, kamikazied his way on stage after Chestnut won for reasons unknown and was later arrested for resisting arrest and trespassing.

3. Every other year where some guy ate more hot dogs than some other guys/girls.

Some of you might be genuinely shocked that Marcus Boyd is writing about something as trivial as competitive eating, but I still choose to dedicate my weekly blog post to it for two reasons: Americans can’t get enough of it and some consider this a sport.

Don’t think we enjoy watching competitive eating? Adam Richman is a celebrity for going around the U.S. and taking on eating challenges, of either the spicy or volume variety. He now hosts a show where he picks and trains a local resident to take on a specific eating challenge. It also seems every restaurant/bar has an eating challenge these days, in order to capitalize on the “Man vs. Food” craze. I’ve gotten swept up in it and now have a free t-shirt from Hamilton’s (http://hamiltonsdc.com/menu.html) after I dominated their “Fat Boy Burger Challenge”. To quote my celebrity twin, in the everlasting quest between burger and man, the Fat Boy may have defeated many, but on that glorious night, the Fat Boy had no chance on Boyd. Boyd 1, food 0.

As for competitive eating being a sport, some will argue that it is and some will argue “No fucking way”. I view competitive eating as I view golf, NASCAR, horse racing, and cheerleading. It’s not a sport but it is a specialized skill. Not everyone can do it at a competitive level, but in no way does it make a sport. At the same time, I can appreciate Rory McIlroy shooting under par for four rounds at the U.S. Open, just like I can appreciate Jimmie Johnson winning the Sprint Cup Series for the fifth straight year or Joey Chestnut trying to set the world record for eating ham sandwiches. They all involve hard work and dedication to their respective crafts. At the same time, I will not be comparing them to Gretzky or Jordan ever.

Joey Chestnut , continue consuming 20,000 calories in 10 minutes, while living the American dream. God bless you and God bless America!

              -Written by Marcus Boyd

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better!

            O.J Simpson was an amazing football player back in the day and set records as a running back at USC and eventually with the Buffalo Bills. O.J.'s nickname was "the juice" and if you have to ask why, stop reading this and flush your head in the toilet because you're an idiot. Anyway, back in 1994 "the juice" was accused of killing his wife and her lover leading to one of the most famous police chases of all time. The chase interrupted the 1994 NBA Finals as his white Ford Bronco slowly eluded police down Interstate 405. Long story short he hired one of the best lawyers of all time, Johnnie Cochran, and was found "not guilty" on both counts of murder. This was one of the most watched and controversial courtroom rulings in America's history. Apparently, anything you can do I can do better.
            I'm sure you're aware of the very televised and controversial case that has been going on for the past couple of weeks involving Casey Anthony. She was charged with the murder of her two year old daughter, Caylee. I'm not going to get into the specifics of the trial, because I have to admit, I wasn't watching it. I would get periodic updates from Yahoo or check out the news for a recap. The point is, everyone who was watching that case seemed to draw their own conclusion. And much like the O.J. trial, everyone was left disappointed.

            She was acquitted on the various counts of killing her daughter and all felonies that went along with that. She was found guilty on four counts of giving false information to a police officer. That misdemeanor carries a maximum sentence of ONE year per count. That's a possible four years that she could be sentenced to prison. Oh, I forgot to mention, she gets credit for the three years she already spent in prison since she was arrested. So if you want me to do the math for you, she could end up spending ONE year in prison for the "alleged" murder of her two year old daughter. ONE year.

            Without going into too much detail here, she was accused of smothering her child with duct tape and driving around for a couple days with her in the trunk. Then dumping the body in the woods near her house. Casey said her daughter was kidnapped by a nannie which started an all out search for poor little girl. Her remains were found in the woods with duct tape hanging from her skull. Now I understand the legal process and reasonable doubt and all that jazz, but you have to be kidding me.

            Is our legal system that messed up? Have we read into past trials and legal precedents too much? A fair trial is one thing, but this is ridiculous. That woman sat there for over six weeks while this trial went on and was somehow able to sleep every night. I don't care what the jury said, that bitch is guilty and our justice system is fucking up! This shouldn't have even went to trial. When they found the remains of her two year old daughter with fucking duct tape on her head, Casey should have been taken to the town square (or some public place, it doesn't have to be a square) and killed on the spot in front of everyone.Okay okay, I understand that sounds harsh but I can't stand when someone gets away with harming their children!
 
           I just think our justice system is too complicated for it's own good. The real evidence is looked over with such a fine tooth comb that the most irrelevant piece can sabotage the whole thing. The prosecution said that if the little girl was found earlier, meaning she wasn't dry bones, they would have been able to prove Casey was at fault. Because it took so long to recover the remains this crazy murdering bitch might only serve one year in prison.

           That's not all. The defense said Caylee died in an accidental drowning. Accidental drowning? A two year accidentally drowning means the mother wasn't being a MOTHER. That should be grounds enough to throw here in jail for longer than ONE year. It's a scary world when someone can harm their child, get on TV, then just go home like nothing happened. Yes, one year in prison is walking away like nothing happened. I just hope this whole Karma thing is real and this C-word gets what she deserves.

           A reporter from an unnamed news source reported that after Casey left the courthouse she called O.J. in prison and said "Anything you can do, I can do better." Fucking ridiculous.

           I was behind the Gas n' Go about to get a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich when I heard about this. I gave the bum the ham sandwich and just walked away at half mast. A damn shame.